The emails continue daily, Noodle replies every morning & I reply by the evening… His replies to tell me that she won’t murder me & that he does have guns, FUCK! but they only fire blanks… Well at least that’s something!
He says that I have no idea what state he was in when she left him the other day, (yeah I do Noodle, you fucked me over several times… I was in a fucking state when you left me & ghosted me!) He says that the document is very detailed & he’s scared I’m going to one day give it to her. He tells me that he didn’t know all the shit they were doing was coming back to me but he has stopped using everything & closed their relationship.
He tells me not to lie to him, that I have moved on & I am happy otherwise I would’ve replied to him straight away… Fuck I feel like he doesn’t get me at all! He tells me that he was stupid to show her where I lived but he felt like he was in a rock & a hard place.
Of course he puts himself down & thinks that I can do better than him sexually as he’s not that kinky. I mean this guy, fuck! I don’t know how many times I need to reassure him!?
He doesn’t understand why I want to see him again or why I want to meet up, but he feels like he has too because I’m blackmailing him… He says that he’s on edge with that document & if I want to make my move, to do it soon because he’s sick of all the drama! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? He says that he contacted me because she left him but he won’t tell me why because he doesn’t want to give me more blackmail material… Oh FFS!
I don’t know what type of shrink she is seeing but apparently she tells his partner that she can leave to go interstate with the kids & it would cost him huge amounts to get them back – What a fucking ridiculous shrink! I am certain they wouldn’t say that to her at all… But Noodle believes it. He says that his kids are the most important thing to him & hopes I can respect that. If I can’t, then I should put him out of his misery & get it over & done with! -Of course I fucking respect that, that’s why I left him alone in the first place.
My replies are a lot longer than his. I guess I have more time to think about them, they are more structured that his, he’s all over the place with his topics. But I remind him that he told me should would murder me & that she watches crime shows – she would get away with my murder, he also sent me threats to go to the police, so I made the timeline as a protection for me not to blackmail him. I only sent it to him so he knows that it exists, not to use it against him. The fact that he’s still “shitting his pants” I’ll send it to her, means to me that he hasn’t told her everything like he said he had! The only people with a copy of the timeline is me, Noodle & now my sister on a USB (& trust me, she doesn’t want to look at naked pics of us! Hahaha).
I didn’t reply to him straight away not because I had moved on but because I knew he’d go back to her. He is so scared of being alone that he messages me the second things go to shit. But I feel like a fool again for even replying to his message now that he’s begged for her to come back & she has.
So many people on the chat app have wanted to message his partner, I’m actually surprised it took so long. I mean I have no idea what Crows has been saying to her besides the screenshots he sent me, but I’m assuming he’s loyal to me being I could destroy his life too!
I refuse to boost Noodle’s ego about our sex life, he knows that he was good enough for me, I’ve even told him so many times that he is the best I’ve ever had, yet somehow he uses that as a reason not to be with me.
I remind him that his partner only wanted to do the open relationship & swinging, the kinky stuff because she thought it would keep him. He says he cheated because of the sex but he wouldn’t have fucked me for a year if it was just about sex. You would fuck a multitude of women, not just one & then there wouldn’t be anything to trace.
I try to help him by sending him some links to family court website & tell him that the reason why I backed away was because of his kids. As much as I love Noodle, I think his kids deserve better, but I am not going to be the woman they hate when they grow up.
Again his reply comes early the next morning. He says that he was stupid for showing her when I live & didn’t know what to do. She game him a ultimatum & he gave in – he was under pressure. He didn’t threaten me with the police, it was a warning because he was scared of what she might do. Well I wouldn’t need a fucking warning if he hadn’t shown her where I live. He says he made his decision that day to leave her & that he didn’t hesitate to leave his stuff. He was so scared he never see his kids again.
He knows she was attention seeking but he knew once she took those pills he couldn’t leave her. He says he doesn’t have an ego & I don’t need to feed it, just that I can do better & we should leave it at it.
Apparently the shrink calls Noodle names to his partner, says that Noodle & I deserve each other. I mean really? Is that even true. I think she’s telling him shit to manipulate him, I mean no shrink would call another person a name to mentally unstable person, surely?!
He says that he hates that his family knows that he cheated, they all love his partner, more than him & they would all resent me. He says that he could’ve stayed with them but he wanted to be with me because I am his best friend & he wanted to leave her. He says I was happy on the anonymous app & I was ignoring him to he salvaged what he could with her. (I took 2 hours to reply to his last message!)
It makes me laugh when he says that he avoided the chat app groups! Like what a crock of shit, he couldn’t go into the groups because so many people hated him & the people that did like him, now hate him because of what he did to me plus to top it off, he has a fucking matching user name with her! Don’t fucking give me that bollocks that he avoided the groups!
He reminds me of how much debt they have & that he wouldn’t be able to fight her legally for the kids. So he’s fucked, he does say that he probably deserves it, which I don’t disagree with! However, what judge would award custody to a mentally unstable woman?
I actually start to soften a bit, I am not so angry but starting to realise that Noodle is trapped. Trapped with a violent manipulator, yes he seems weak to some of you – I get that. But if it were the other way around, the man being violent to a woman, no one would think the woman weak for staying…
I am angry about the fact that he never messaged me around her, he always logged off, of course, but that day he was here, I sat there holding his infant while he messaged her all fucking day. Barely even talking to me. & then he breaks up with me again via a chat app… I mean don’t I deserve something better from him? He can’t possibly love me if that’s how he can treat me.
I didn’t really have a chance to reply to him, I didn’t wait because I had moved on, I wanted to wait to my test results & I also wanted to wait to see what the police had to say. I tell him that if he really wanted to get in contact with me, he would’ve text me, not used an app that I don’t get notifications on.
I tell him that her psychologist is terrible that she is seeing, mine is so neutral, I hate to think sometimes what he is thinking about my insane choices – however he never judges me or puts anyone down. So I don’t believe that her psychologist is even saying these things. I think his partner is just saying it to get a rise out of him & manipulate him more… Guess what, it’s working too! Ever heard of gaslighting? Bosses usually do it, I’ve had it done to me a few times & it works! She’s doing it to him now!
I come clean about why I was posting things on the anonymous app because he was, not because I have moved on. It’s the only time that I have ever done anything tit for tat. I hate that I did that to be honest. I guess that’s what I do when I am so fucking hurt & knowing the man I love if trolling online still while I am hurting, not eating, not sleeping…
I don’t think that she would ever get custody of the kids, I tell him that he would probably get them, but I say that he could get legal aid. He reminds that he was going through a break up & that’s why he was on his phone all day, he’d been with her for 12 years. I mean why did he come to my house when it wasn’t over? He says he doesn’t like using her name around me (but I keep using it, instead of partner & him saying wife).
He says “I felt terrible picking my stuff up, it broke my heart even more seeing you had moved my clothes into your bedroom & putting my electronics next to your tv.” Do you know what, I knew he wasn’t going to be moving in, but I never thought he’d come like a thief in the night to get it all, I was expecting him to see that I had moved it & I am glad that it had that affect on him.
He figures that I was ignoring him as I ignored the STI messages (because I wanted my results first!) & had ignored his other messages (because I didn’t want to feel like a fool when he went back to her – which he did!)
He noticed my tit for tat posts & said that it stopped him from using the apps for a while, I was only posting that shit because he was… He says that he wasn’t suddenly over me but it was an attempt at the healing process… (What by hurting me?!) He says that he has a big gap in his life that needed filling, which is why he is on the app.
He says that his family love his partner & treat her better than him sometimes (REALLY? After this!?) but her family wanted her to break up with him. They hate him more than ever & his partners sister has cut all ties with them… WOW.
Noodles partner apparently tells anyone who will listen about the affair, including all her friends & both their families, she also told any new guy online about it because it helps her with the healing process. He doesn’t know why she lied to people & kept the 3 months BJ story going but she knows that we had sex & it was a long affair. He says that yes he did lie about things to protect me & to save his family – it was never a dig at me or to hurt me – but mainly he says that he didn’t think I would ever find out! “Do I miss you ? Yes. Do I still have feelings for you ? Yes. Do I want to fuck with your heart or your head ? No . Do I want save my family & marriage . Yes .”
He tells me that he was never unhappy with her or looking for a replacement. “Did I fall in love with two woman at once . Yes.” He says that he has not idea how hard it was for him… Errr! Yes I do, I was always fucking waiting for a scrap of his time! I know how fucking hard it was!
He talks about the timeline again & says that he’s surprised I had so many screenshots (yeah I am too, why did I save everything?) He says that he can only summarise what we has as “Special.”
He says that her shrink has said to her that he replaced food with sex when he lost weight, also that he gets bored easily & needs to be kept busy… WHO THE FUCK IS THIS SHRINK?! Who says that, he’s not a child with ADHD! I wasn’t just sex to Noodle…
“I’m a terrible person & a terrible partner . I’m sure one day you will see that . I’m truly sorry for fucking with your head & your heart so much . I didn’t want to ghost you , I just had too . I want to be happy & want you to be happy too . Sorry for popping back up .”
I am aware that our email exchange is getting longer & longer. I can’t help it, I have so much to say to him, I hate that I have so much left to say.
I remind Noodle that I know why he was messaging her all day that day, but ask him to put himself in my shoes, the one day I get to have with Noodle, the one fucking day where I thought all my dreams were going to come true & he spends it on his phone to her, while I look after the baby. He should’ve broken up with her properly & made sure it was over before he used me to hold his baby while he sorted shit out.
I hated that towards the end I was always going to him because he couldn’t fake his location, that I got his sweaty balls from the gym, his unshaven pubes & would wait hours on end for his replies…
I tell him that I was going to attempt to put together his electronics, but decided against it, that I was going to pack away all his stuff too in draws. I even tell him that I didn’t tidy up because I wanted home to see that I wasn’t that clean, I just cleaned before he came over all the time because I clean when I’m anxious. I clean while I’m waiting.
I tell him again that I didn’t ignore his STI message, that I was waiting for results & didn’t want to write back to him till I knew. I tell him that I am furious about how he handled that too, I mean I didn’t even get a Hey #IBD4U, just straight into accusing me of giving it to her. I tell him that I never posted on the anonymous app to piss him off, I was hurt, crying & not eating or focusing on uni that I needed to just do something. I even thought some of the posts were from her.
I ask if she knows all the truth, like all of it… I mean there can’t be anything left to find out now, I guess. I question how everything went down because only 2 days prior to that, she told Sweetie they were so happy, strong & planning their wedding.
I tell him about the police report, so he knows that it’s happened & I am being 100% honest, open & transparent, with him in case anything happens.
I see that she is still manipulating him through the things her shrink is telling her, I don’t even believe that the shrink is saying those things to be honest, or maybe I just have a good one!? Noodle clearly didn’t get bored with me after 18 months & is still chatting to me even another 4 months after ending me with so clearly he doesn’t get bored… I’m not sure the shrink is a qualified person at all!
I tell him that he isn’t a terrible person, I wish I hated him & didn’t still love him. But I do tell him that I deserve a proper goodbye. I again try to get him to see me!