September 2025 – Return of the key
06 September 2025 – In the morning, he writes back “I see . Good morning buddy” when I know he’s been at work for at least an hour or two, but I try not to dwell… I respond, “It’s what you want, I just go along with what you make it, as always…” He reads it & he never replies. At all. He doesn’t call for his break – the ‘highlight of his day.’ He looks at my story around 4:15pm or something, so I know he’s been online, he just chooses not to reassure me that I am just being stupid, that he still considers me his girlfriend, that he still cares about me. Nope, not Phoenix, who started this v2.0 by saying he wanted to make things better between us, not me. I never asked for this. So why is he the one pulling away when I never pushed this?
Seven hours later I have been alone all day, I tried to cry but couldn’t, I think maybe that will make me feel better, I decide to message him & ask if he’s working on Monday. This boyfriend/girlfriend thing is over & I need my key back. I am working from home because I am dog sitting, so when I drop my sisters dogs home, I will go to his work & get my keys back, drop off his jumper & then if this doesn’t go on from there, at least I can stop hearing noises & wishing it was him using my keys. We can just be fuck buddies. I keep thinking he is going to come surprise me, I hear a noise that sounds like he’s coming in the door, using the key I really wanted him to have (wishful thinking) & think it’s him it never is. It’s torture, he doesn’t give a fuck or have any ability to show me how he feels or that I am special to him. He did for a period of time that suited him, he sucked me in again – he could have left it as it fucking was, if he is so incapable of giving more, he didn’t need to tell me anything, he literally could have come back online a little more & kept the distance but closed the gap between his monthly catch ups.
He cannot reflect on his part in this. Yes I have gotten angry & pissed, acted a little needy – I can see the part I have played in this, but him pulling away & getting more shitty is not the way to fix it & he clearly doesn’t want too. I have tried, I feel like I have tried too hard (What for?! I don’t know – I don’t have anything with this guy, I could just walk away) but I don’t know his schedule anymore so I can’t call him – he doesn’t call me or ask to call me (I don’t ask to call him either, but again, I don’t know what cords he’s sorting or boredom docos, mine is pretty consistent.) I can’t ever go see him without knowing what he is doing but he hasn’t told me. So, it is what it is. This V2.0 is over. We are just fuck buddies. His effort level is at best a two, while I feel like I am putting in so much effort, at least an eight, I’m not putting in 100%, I am not going to when I am barely getting 10% of what he was giving me at the start of this version… His effort, as he said, was him restoring our snap streak twice… One of the ways he tried hard with me, I’d like to know what he thinks his other ways were because all I see is him putting up walls & not trying to reassure me at all. I don’t even need his time at this point, I need his reassurance.
When he says that he is not working on Monday, I say, “That’s ok, when I drop the dogs back to my sisters, I’ll come grab my soare key & drop your jumper back. Assuming after 12 suits you?” He doesn’t know what jumper I have, then he says, “I want us to be friends just don’t want shit always complicated and you cranky at me all the time. Yeah after 12.” I start deleting all our saved chats & change our chat to delete after 24 hours instead of seven days, he doesn’t even notice, “We are fuck buddies, just as you wanted… I’m not cranky. It’s all good. Just want my key back. 😊” I add the smily face because I am relieved… I will get my key back & I can relax, all he says is, ”If you want it back then …” Well he doesn’t seem to care if he has it or not, so yeah I do & I don’t see us being friends after that comment, but I say, “Don’t like hearing noises thinking it’s you rocking up to actually surprise me to make me feel more than a fuck buddy.” He says, “I like surprising you I wish I could more…” I mean I wish he could do it more too, I get that he can’t, that’s not even an issue. I’m not pissed off about him not being able to surprise me, I just hate thinking up scenarios that he sees my location & just comes over when I am working from home or in the mornings… But he’s too busy to even mesaage me, so he’s never going to come over randomly again… It’ll just be better for my mental health to have it back since he isn’t my boyfriend anymore. “You don’t even write back to me when I say you think we’re just fuck buddies so as if you’re going to just surprise me?? I’d rather not have the hope that I was actually your girlfriend & just go back to what you want…” But he says something that destroys any hope I had of us remaining civil once I have my key back, “I dont know what I want …” FUCK that hurts like no body’s business! There is no need to think about what he wants, it’s not his decision anymore, it’s done. “Well simple, I’m just your fuck buddy. You’ve made it perfectly clear – for months. It’s all good. I didn’t force you to be my boyfriend.” & with that he says, “Ill chat to you ommorow about it, talk later x.” I stupidly notice that our snapstreak is at 149, if I send a snap today – even though he’s gone it’ll be 150 & then we can just end it at a nice number… So I send a snap of the meal I saved for his break today that he didn’t even call me for, then I send a bunch of messages “Don’t stress… See you Monday. Eating the serve I saved for you…” Then I realise the stupid hour glass didn’t go & our steak tally didn’t go up… “Sent cos I assumed the snap hourglass would go & get us to a final tally of 150. But alas, it’s your turn… 🤷🏼♀️ So now I just look like a dick. Again.” What a fucking wanker I am, watching another petal fluttering towards the growing pile of pot pourri!
07 September 2025 – He’s not working today so I expect that he won’t come online today & even though I don’t have my key back, I won’t be thinking the noises are him because they are both off & she works late on Mondays, so he won’t be able to use them anyway. & I won’t hear from him, I won’t message either, he’ll just expect me to be at his house at 12:00pm on Monday.
Our 149 day snapstreak expires again, I don’t even know if there is any point worrying about it now… I’ve never had more than two day snapstreaks, as you know Phoenix has said he’s had a seven day one with some random he was messaging when he was pretending to not be online, so it’s meaningless anyway, it always was to him, I’ve never had anything special with him…
Today is fathers day, so when he comes online, she must be at work as he says he went out with the kids for sushi, saw his parents & went to the pharmacy… For some reason am in excruciating pain, I have had more pain relief tablets than I had after my gum surgery… He asks what the pain is from, I think my ovary, I called the nurse hotline & they told me to go to emergency immediately as it could be appendicitis, but I decide not to go & just pop some more pills. He tells me to go see a dr & take care of myself & then he’s gone… Um so when is he going to talk about us being fuck buddies & what he wants?! Apparently never as he has to go. I say, “Thx. I’ll be ok. See you at 12 tomorrow.” Which he doesn’t read….
08 September 2025 – So Monday comes, he hasn’t looked at his snapchat this morning obviously because she is home with him – & he can’t possibly open snapchat, only when in bed with her or when it suits him, of course! But I am already in the car taking the dogs back to my sister when he messages to ask if I want him to come to me around 11:00am. I do the half swipe thing to read it but I don’t click on it. He is not getting a read receipt from me on this one. I am just going to rock up at his house, at 12:00pm without a message, as he’s done to me so many times when we’ve pre planned a catch up. I am going to be in charge of today, not him coming to my house for 20 mins then saying he has to go. I drop the dogs off at my sisters & I drive to his house, not caring about if he messages me to say she’s home or not. I pull up down the street – why I hide my car I don’t know, I have taken some anti-anxiety meds, I am shaking like a leaf, taking a few deep breaths before making the move to get out of my car.
Phoenix is in the front yard right down the back picking up cans & bottles or something when I walk down the driveway, I don’t say anything & it makes him jump like a maniac when he sees me, it makes me laugh. Fuck it feels good to laugh with him. One thing I didn’t think till I was reviewing this to post, is that he always said his driveway is so loud, that I wasn’t allowed to drive down it ever, remember. Yet here I am, basically standing next to him before he noticed I was there, I wasn’t exactly quiet.
He comes right up to me, as if he’s going to kiss me but then hesitates, not sure if he should kiss me or not, I give him his jumper & he puts it down on the stairs before hugging me & I lean up to kiss him. We kiss & he asks if I really want my key back & I say ‘no, not really’ which is true, I don’t want it back, but I want him to treat me better. I get the excuse vomit that he’s so busy & he’s working a lot more than he was & he can’t give me what he was before. I don’t shout but my voice gets a little louder & sterner that he says ‘can we keep it down?’, he doesn’t want to go inside with me, because his house is probably a mess – not like he didn’t know since Saturday that I was coming over, so whatever. I don’t care how loud I am. I push him away to be at arms length & say ‘you started this, not me, I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t push to be better friends.’ He just keeps up with his usual line about being so busy.
I read a quote the other day that I make today’s heart & it makes so much sense. He admits freely that he is not a good person, that he has no empathy & that he does care but won’t show it – all bullshit, because he was the one that spouted all the shit to start v2.0 to get us where we are today… He is a true narcissist. We talk but we’re never going to resolve this. This cycle is going to always be here. I need to either just be ok with what he offers, or I have to move on. I just fucking can’t do it, why can’t I walk away? It kills me to be this pathetic with him, to someone who doesn’t care about me, to someone that doesn’t love me, that doesn’t know what he wants.
He reluctantly tells me come inside – I think mainly because he says I am being too loud, not because he wants me in there. His house is its usual disaster, I shouldn’t say usual because I actually haven’t been here since December 2024. Um – ok I grew up in a house exactly like this, small, messy, cluttered, over furnished & too many people living in it with all their own crap, so it doesn’t bother me, what bothers me, is how he says he’s so busy doing all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the gardening… Um, what cleaning?! What gardening? That giant pile of bark was there when I was here last time in 2024! So when I walk inside I know he’s embarrassed about the state of his house & I guess it’s tough when you get no help from our partner or kids. There is just stuff on every surface, there are cupboards against every wall, overflowing with stuff, their couch is in the middle of the room because they’re also painting, or apparently, he is painting – yet he told me once that she does all that stuff because he’s not handy. The armchairs next to the couch are full of washing, so he’s obviously not busy putting the washing away. There is crap everywhere, on top of cupboards, in the kitchen they have a cupboard from like Ikea which have bottles & boxes & open packets of things on it. The mop thing he’s obsessed with is in the middle of the kitchen. There is just crap everywhere, so don’t fucking tell me you’re so busy cleaning! What a crock of shit! Painting, yes, as they are moving only the furniture they need to, about a foot away from the wall that they need to paint, then paint & put the furniture back – odd way to paint but whatever works for them, not my problem.
I get he does all the cooking too but she doesn’t eat so it’s just him & the kids, not like he’s cooking elaborate 3 course meals, he often cooks tuna mornay or soup – probably other things but not like he’s cooking something that takes all day prep, but the kitchen isn’t tidy, they have a pass through to the loungeroom which is full of crap too, there are poxy shelves in the kitchen like ones from the 90’s that have swirl brackets that are overflowing with stuff – no judgement, I had those shelves too. I get this type of house because it’s what I am used too from my childhood – one of the reasons I am like I am with my house (though I’m not at clean as he thinks I am, like I can’t remember the last time I actually mopped, it’s just easier with one person – I get that), I am not at all judging him or her for the state of their house, this was my norm as a kid. What I am trying to get at, is that he can’t be so busy cleaning that he can’t send a quick message more than once an hour – like he was before. He chooses not too!
The other thing he blames for his recent distance is his undiagnosed ADHD, 100% accurately self-diagnosed by Dr Phoenix himself. So is he saying he just got ADHD in the last three months? Because he was putting in effort, then maybe he caught ADHD off me while being around me more?? Fucking idiot excuse! Now you all know that I have been diagnosed, every person especially women, present differently. Phoenix blames his ADHD, saying he hyper fixates on things. I do this too. But it’s like he’s seen a TikTok that he related too & decided that he has ADHD & even after taking my ADHD medication that time we went to Hallet Cove & he said he felt no different, would indicate to anyone that he doesn’t have ADHD & is just looking for excuses as to why he’s a fucking cunt to me, but he is 100% adamant that he has it, yet hyper fixates on things but doesn’t like Lego…. Okay! Sure.
I still think that there is something going on that’s ill find out about in a few months time, he says he’s got nothing going on, no baby on the way, no pending nuptials like the last two times he did this to me, they’re apparently not moving interstate. It’s everything but Phoenix’s fault for how we are right now. So one can conclude that Phoenix is just a cunt because Phoenix is a cunt. Not because he’s got ADHD, not because he’s busy, he’s just a narcissistic asshole who only thinks of himself.
Despite this, he’s pushed me against a wall, the tiny part of a wall that forms the entry way. It hurts my back but I don’t move, not being allowed to really be inside. I let him finger me a couple of times but I stop it, each time & he asks why. I don’t want to just have sex with him, I can’t just have sex with him, we never resolve anything. He can never see his part he plays in this. I knew that this would happen, because I’m stupid. If he made a move, I would be putty in his hand… Why can’t I just get my key & walk away. I tell him to go down on me, he drops to the floor & sucks my clit while I put my leg up on one of the armchairs & over his shoulder, he sucks my clit making me so horny. He stands up & says fuck it that we’ll just fuck on the couch.
My mind goes to weird places, their couch has various piece of clothes, blankets, maybe some toys I’m not sure, but I don’t know what I am laying on or what I am smelling but it’s a stale smell on the blankets. Not gross but not pleasant. I tell him that he can’t fuck me, but I am pantie-less on my back on the couch waiting for him & tell him he can only go down on me, which he does & I cum. Of course, despite my protests & saying we are not having sex, he is inside me fucking me quicker than I like to admit. I tell him that I hate him, He’s a fucking asshole. He turns me over & fucks me on my knees before he gets too tired & sits on the couch.
I ride him & while fucking him we talk about our situation. It’s just the same conversation in circles. He says that the more I get grumpy & pull away, the more he does too. What he doesn’t see is that I only got grumpy because he is pulling away, I am not upset because he’s not talking to me as much as he used too, I am upset that he was putting in effort & now poof, he’s the busiest man on the planet & texting ‘good morning’ is just physically impossible. Poor guy!
He’s very complimentary while we’re having sex, asking me how much weight I’ve lost, telling me that my hair & eyelashes look good. Telling me that he loves me, which I say doesn’t count as his dick is inside me but he says that it does count. I’m like not really cos this is the time that you feel closest etc, but I lap up the compliments like a fucking twat… I wonder if he’s so complementary because he’s realising I haven’t sucked his dick for weeks, I stopped doing it, waiting for him to treat me better… I don’t think he’s even noticed, he’s getting it from his wife, so doesn’t even know when I last sucked it. He says he’s not going to cum, but tells me that I should go. Two things, I am pissed that he’s the one that is dictating how long we’re together & second if he’s not cumming, did he fuck her before I got here – remember they don’t have sex in the morning or night, so mid morning before work, perhaps? Fuck I hate these intrusive thoughts. He bends me over one of the arm chairs & fucks me hard & pulls my hair, which hurts so much that I think that I’m going to have to tell him to stop pulling, but then he cums. He does the usual, pull out & walk away move that makes me feel used & disrespected, don’t worry about me bent over a piece of furniture or giving me a little bit of love. Nah why would ya?!
I set about finding my clothes, I have to get out of here, I am looking around for my panties, I can’t find them, where did he take them off? I see a black pair of something stuck in the couch cushions, where we just fucked so maybe that’s it but I pull out something that I think are his boxers but realising they are too small for boxers but too big for my g string, I throw them down on a cushion as I realise they are her anko-bonds rip off undies, size M that I have just fucking touched… FUCK. They better be fucking clean, not cos they fucked on the couch! It ruins everything. My mood cannot recover.
I ask if I can go to the toilet, he doesn’t seem to want me to go, I mean his house is a disaster, so I’m not surprised, but it pisses me off that he knew I was coming to his house, he knew we would probably fuck, that I would (& should) pee after sex & he didn’t clean the toilet so I could go. I just head for the door & say don’t worry about it, not kissing him goodbye, I’m am done. He grabs me from behind saying not to think too much about what he’s doing etc, but I don’t turn to say goodbye, I just leave – it’s the last time that I ever go to his house. I knew nothing would be resolved. I walk out feeling just as shit, if not more shit as I did when I arrived, because he still has my key & I still wear his bracelet.
Well that went well.
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 