Month: Jul 2020

Ok so lets jump ahead a little bit in the timeline & give you an update what is going on with Motocross. I have met & fucked Silverlining, WOW, I’ve fucked him & it was 1000 times better than the sex I’ve had with Motocross. They don’t even compare.

Motocross still in the background putting in a bit of effort, seeing me still, & he’s said that he’s coming to Brisbane to surprise me, that I make the decision that if he does come to Brisbane to see me, then I will put all my eggs back in his basket & I will stop fucking Silverlining. He’s not single, he’s not leaving her despite how much he tells me he loves me, he won’t leave, so I need to focus on a man that is single (as far as I know!) & that I like, regardless of if he likes me or not, I have to focus on something else, other than the partnered ex boyfriend I’m still in love with.

I’m also reminded of what my sister said to me one Sunday night when I was confessing to her that I was chatting to Silverlining & considering meeting up with him for lunch. When I first told her that I was seeing Motocross & that he is living in California, she said to me that I am absolutely not moving overseas, she will not allow it! (We have this thing about not seeing each other!) But when I said I want to meet Silverlining – that I am going to see him again, she tells me “If it’s between Motocross & Silverlining, then you’re moving to California.” DOUBLE FUCK. She’s right, but at this point with Motocross, is there a choice? Silverlining has told that I need to forget about him & focus on Motocross, but Silverling tells me that he doesn’t think that Motocross is that into me & I deserve better – how confusing! Of course when my sister plants the seed of me moving to California, I actually start to think about a life there with Motocross, could I do that? I could get away from all the Silverlining bullshit once & for all. I could actually move on. He could move on. I could be truly happy overseas for a few years then come back to Adelaide to live in that ridiculous house he was looking at buying, I would get the wedding of my dreams & I would be blissfully happy with Motocross. -OMG it’s scary where my head goes sometimes!

Anyway as you all know I am a planner. I plan, I overthink the plans I try to work out every issue that may arise in any scenario. It’s probably why I am so good at the job I have too. Assessing the risks & scenarios. I am always thinking one step ahead. But this is probably to the detriment of my relationships, because I also live out little fantasy scenarios! Usually that never come true. I am excited that Motocross might be coming to Brisbane to see me – it was supposed to be a surprise, but he told me because I cracked it about being the only one making plans.

So I’m busy planning this trip in my head, so much so that I forget to think about Silverlining as much when we’re not chatting, though I’m still chatting to him daily & every spare moment he has, but he logs off at night to be with his family & so now I have something else to look forward too & something that I finally say is mine, Motocross isn’t fucking anyone else, even though I now have – it won’t happen again when he comes to Brisbane, I won’t be able to cut Silverlining off but I won’t meet him again for sex. Like I said, I will put all my eggs in his motocross helmet! Hahaha.

Also something I forgot to tell you too, which is hilarious so you need to know. One night with Motocross we were watching YouTube & he tells me about a film clip that he was in. OMG that’s super exciting & easily verified, I ask him to put it on, because then I will have some verified information about his career & put my mind at ease about all the other bullshit. He uses the remote to click on the song, literally the most hilarious song ever, I know a lot of songs but I haven’t ever heard this one before, but it’s but Bec Cartwright who used to be on Home & Away, then married Leighton Hewitt the Adelaide tennis player… Anyway when we watch the film clip I am laughing my head off. I feel bad for Motocross but he said he got paid for it so who cares. Watch the video then read what I have to say about it because it’s literally fucking hilarious.

So if you didn’t watch the film clip, but were thinking that you would see Motocross’ face & it will reveal him to the world, you are sadly mistaken… What you will see that every dude on a motorbike has a fucking helmet on! A full head covering helmet with dark mask. The guys could literally be any guy on the fucking bike! However I will give him snaps for knowing the most obscure song with motocross riders in the film clip! I have no reason not to believe him but fuck this is farfetched, I bet it was someone he knows perhaps, or maybe he did ride in the film clip but no one will ever know… Jesus, I hope you’re laughing as much as I did. I gave him so much shit!

After the phone call from Motocross to say that he was thinking of coming to Brisbane, I realise that I told him the wrong dates – I do not want to text him, I want find out if he will message me. But my friend J-Lo says it’s kind of rude if I don’t correct my mistake in case he really does book flights. I am highly doubtful that Motocross will rock up in Brisbane & I’ll just get an ‘I’m so sorry I was so busy’ type message before I come home but because I fucked up the dates, I message him with the correct ones, he says he’ll see what he can do & I leave it with him.

I have about 6 days in Brisbane staying with my friend to meet her new baby & then I visit some family too. The whole time I’m away, I’m messaging Silverlining daily – trying not to message too much because fuck it’s annoying but OMG, I also can’t stop myself. I spill the beans with my friend obviously, telling her everything as we shop & are ladies who lunch but that doesn’t change the way I feel, she doesn’t tell me I’m an idiot but I know that’s what she thinks, I know that’s probably what I would be thinking if someone were telling me this story. But I want to messaging Silverlining but I am also willing Motocross to message me – I want him to make some effort with me, Silverlining is making the effort, why can’t Motocross? I am so hopeful that he will message & even just say ‘how’s your trip’ but I never hear from Motocross again… YEP! You all guessed it, he’s a dud…

So I knew in my heart that Motocross wasn’t ever coming to Brisbane, I just knew that he wouldn’t, but I honestly didn’t think he would just never message me again! Like, what the fuck. He didn’t even message to say sorry he wasn’t coming. Who does that?

Lets wrap this up, so a little while later – weeks maybe months, I can’t remember, he is still on the dating app when I go back on there to have a look, I don’t delete him but when I update my profile he deletes me – no love lost there. However, as much as his story made him sound like a right fuckwit, I think about him a lot.  Was is because he was potentially single?

Even a few months later, things have progressed in my life (No spoilers!) but I am surprised when I see Motocrosses name come up in my snapchat, he’s added me as a friend. But when I go to click on it, it’s not there. When I search him, it comes up with a friend requested button… WHAT THE FUCK. I decide to click to add him to see what the fuck he has to say. To be honest, I barely ever use snapchat. He sends me one of a race track (An indoor one, I forget if that is supercross or motocross) I ask him if he won, he says yes of course & just sent an bitmoji of me looking at him as a trophy, hard to explain but it fitted it perfect. I get nothing back & so I just think that is that.

However a few hours later I get a message from him “Hey so I gotta say I’m sorry for not talking or anything kinda went mia Back home for a couple of weeks before Supercross started here cause me dog past away unexpectedly so that obviously wrecked be and just didn’t wanna talk or see anyone for a bit” OMG, that’s so sad – however, his dog was here with him? He made a point of telling me he’d brought his dog with him this trip & was potentially planning on leaving it here when he went home?! I say that I’m sorry to hear that & just figured he wasn’t interested, so didn’t push it with him. He says that the dog passed away on his birthday & that’s why he didn’t talk much – UM, dude, he stopped talking to me in early September, his birthday was early October? How can he even say his dog dying is an excuse for not talking to me?! He says that he was in Paris racing also, I say that I’m not trying to give him a hard time but he said he was planning on coming to Brisbane then never messages me again, excuses don’t matter, it’s not hard to fucking text someone. He says that he did want to talk to me but wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to him & also didn’t really know what to say to me. I tell him it pissed me off not that he didn’t come to Brisbane, but the fact that he didn’t even message to say he wasn’t coming, or to even ask how my trip was going. He just says that he has poor communication skills & that he’s sorry he didn’t… Yeah I’ll fucking say he has poor communication skills, like fucking hell!!!

I tell him I gave up & he said that he failed on his end & I say it’s good he can accept that, he says “I always expect when I’m wrong”  I ask if he means accept, then write #true. He writes back # correct & I laugh saying that if he ever wants to make it up to me, he knows where I am. He says “Make it up to you hows that. Yeah true I do.”  I ask if he’s asking me how he can make it up to me, because that sentence isn’t even a sentence, but he just sends back an emoji with its hands in the air. What the fuck does that mean?! Whatever dude… Again I don’t hear from him after that.

#IBD4U

I keep thinking that there is going to be a message from Silverling saying that he can’t meet, something has happened, another melt down or something has happened with the kids… Some excuse to get out of seeing me, not necessarily because he doesn’t want to see me but because he’s acting weird & she’s picked up on it. But I just go about my night, I go to the gym, to boxing, as class I tried to avoid because the Doppelganger goes to it. & of course, I get fucking paired with this guy, which makes me work so much harder but fuck it’s hard because the guy is so lovely & encouraging. I write to Silverlining to tell him that I got paired with his twin & I never get a reply, so I try to rest for the night, knowing I won’t sleep much with thoughts of how tomorrow might go.

The next morning Silverlining just says something about punching his doppelganger hard, I am surprised at the one short message & I think that this is him trying to back off now that we’re supposed to meet in a about an hour or so. FUCK. But he says “Sometimes I go a bit crazy and spill my guts. Held back today. You miss my 20 thousand morning messages ?” Of all the days for him to hold back, he picks the day we’re supposed to meet again. I don’t even know what he is thinking will happen today, am I going to fuck him or will we just tease each other & cum without penetrating?! Do you think we can meet & not fuck? SHIT.

He sends me a dick picture when he watches the video I sent him yesterday, one that he didn’t command me to send but he says that he got an instant hard on. We don’t talk about me leaving or meeting him, so I just get in my car & drive. My heart beating erratically, I am seeing him again. I see his car & I drive over taking a deep breath, I pull up next to his car at his gym at exactly 9:00 am, not only because I am always crazily on time but I am also wanting to spend every minute with him as I can. But he’s not at his car, so I assume he actually went into the gym, I send him a message asking if he went inside, but then he appears… In a daggy tracksuit & t shirt but still cute as fuck. He gets in the front seat of my car. It’s been less than a week since our first lunch date & I am desperate to touch him. As soon as he gets in the car we kiss & hug hello. The electricity sparks between us, I don’t even understand how it happens. I don’t even know why he ignites something in me, that no other man has ever sparked in me. I know I spark it in him too – why else would he be here if he didn’t have some sort of epic connection with me. Why is he with someone else, why isn’t he with me? This spark could be ours every day. But then I wonder if it’s the sneaking around that makes us so hot? I mean he said he was falling for me before we even met, I was too I mean I’ll deny it but I did make sure we made the agreement to take it in turns to message each other.

He becomes obsessed with where I’ve parked, in fact he makes me move the car twice before he’s happy with where we’re parked at his gym – even then I don’t think he’s ok with it & tried to get me to move the car a third time, but I refuse. We sit in the car chatting & when he reaches out to touch my leg, I melt against his touch, we kiss, this time we properly kiss & I realise how much I have missed his mouth on mine, his tongue caressing mine & his hands exploring my body… He slips his hands up my skirt & rubs the outside of my panties, making my legs spread so easily, I reach out for his cock & can feel how hard it is. When we stop for a breather, after all it is only just after 9:00 am on a Tuesday at a gym carpark. However he still finds a way to slip his fingers inside me, make me wet for him & so turned on… His cock is in my hand & we’re making noises for each other that I’ve longed to hear from him & I that I haven’t made with another man since. I want to have sex with him.

We talk about everything, there is no topic I can’t talk about with this man. I make sure that I say I love you to his face. We talk & kiss, look into each other’s eyes – I can see his feelings for me when I look into his eyes, we caress & touch for about 45 minutes – it’s hot & heavy, the breathing, the wanting, the touching, the kissing, the connection – it’s not long before he suggests that we go back to his house. I never thought I’d ever go there again, but it’s not long before he is jumping in his car & I’m following him to his house.

He’s inside his house before I even park the car down the street a little, as I walk inside he takes me in his strong arms, we’re kissing with so much passion, there is no way that anyone else in the world has ever kissed like this, ever connected like this. The electricity coming off both of us is intoxicating, I want him inside me, I need him inside me. I need to be as close as two people can be. I know he feels it too, I am taking off his shirt & we’re getting undressed quicker than I care to admit. I’m on my knees with his dick in my mouth & he makes that manly groaning noise that I fucking love, not every guy makes a noise when you suck their dick & they really should because fuck me, that noise is sexy as hell… We go into his little games area that he’s created while being his super geeky self without a phone, he’s got a tv & all his computer consoles. I’m pushed on the couch & he fingers me till I’m close to cumming, his favourite trick. He can still get me so close without letting me cum. I love this game, but I also fucking hate it. He moves us so that he can slide his cock between my tits & I love this feeling of his cock sliding between my tits… The feel of him doing that turns me on, he doesn’t get why it turns me on, but it does… When we’re ready, I pull out a condom & a small white vibe I brought with me & he smirks asking me if I want him to use it.

I slide a condom down his hard cock & guide it inside me while sitting on his lap, we both make this noise as his cock enters me for the first time in 18 months…. FUCK. I have missed this, I want this, I am so in love with this man. I feel him inside me, feel his breath on my face, his hand touching my waist, my nipples in his mouth, I feel him sliding in & out of me as I ride him, bringing us as close as two people can be. This feels like sex should feel. It feels intimate, sexy, dirty & so fucking good! I cannot even really describe how this feels, words to seem so inadequate at the intimacy & chemistry combined with passion that I feel for this man. He is my everything, I would do anything for him. I would do anything for just a moment of his time, I am under his spell & this is what I want. His wish is my command & I will obey.

He moves us so he’s on top of me with the vibe on my clit, as he’s fucking me the vibe is teasing me, I try to rub my clit but he takes me arms roughly above my head & pins then there, he fucks me harder & harder I moan asking his permission to cum, he doesn’t answer so I start begging, I am moaning, begging, fucking him back, bucking underneath him, trying so hard not to cum but so close when he says cum for me, crying out as I start cumming, he pumps a few more times inside me & cums himself. FUCK. How did we just cum together after all this time?!

We sit there on the couch for a little while, chatting we don’t have sex again & then almost like something happened, he’s basically pushing me out the door, he’s constantly looked at her location on his phone the whole time I’m there – which is good in one way in case she’s on her way home to murder me but fucking annoying I don’t ever get his undivided attention. The most annoying part is now him trying to get me to leave after he’s implied that he wanted a few hours with me, it’s before 11:00 am & I start to feel like a guest who’s outstayed their welcome. I get up getting dressed sheepishly, he picks up the condom & doesn’t really know what to do with it, looking around for somewhere to put it, so I tell him to put it in a tissue & I will take it… Oh my fucking god, as if I do that! There are no words to describe this feeling either, being kicked out of his house, feeling like an intruder, after cumming with him with such a deep connection, all of that is just shattered – within a split second. Maybe he’s realising what a mistake this was? He basically pushes me out the door, his hand on my back & says I love you. I know he has to be at work at 12:30 pm & so I wasn’t staying much longer anyway but fucking hell, I barely get to say I love you back before the door is shut in my face. What just happened? I was in a euphoric state, that was epic sex, epic making love, just to be shoved out the door. I rush to the car – feeling used, feeling weird, feeling like a fucking idiot. I have a used condom, a wrapper and a dirty vibrator in my bag, I am covered in my ex boyfriends cum, I have just had epic sex yet I’ve never felt more dirty & not in a good way! What the fuck just happened?! I want to message him & ask because I know he will tell me truth via message but fuck him. Fuck it all. He’s a prick. He always said he was & he’s just proved it.

I am barely 15 minutes down the road when I see a message from him – it makes me fucking smile – like an actual factual dickhead. Man I hate myself sometimes… “You boost me yet” WHAT? Then he corrects it “Ghost” I should fucking ghost him. This is the perfect opportunity to ghost him. I feel like a dickhead, I should ghost him, I got what I wanted, I got my epic sex. Can I be ok with just that? Just that one time, I said I just needed to fuck him one more time. I ask why he thinks I would ghost him when I get home, unable to control my fingers from replying to him “Yeah was hoping I could hang with you till 12. Sorry. Use me for good sex then ghost me?” I knew he had to start work about 12:30 pm, so I wasn’t going to stay much longer at his house anyway but the way this all happened is just weird. I ask why he didn’t hang with me till 12:00 pm if that’s what he wanted & he tells me not to ask, which of course just makes me ask more – I assume that because he plays with his phone all the fucking time he’s with me checking her location & replying to her messages that she’s gotten suspicious & he’s freaked out about something she said. He says that they had a fight in the morning before work & she wanted him to go by her work before he starts “Think she’s just done it to keep my leash tight.” OMFG! What the fuck games do these two play, do they get off on it?! Maybe it’s part of what turns them on?!

I tell him that I wasn’t planning on staying much longer anyway but did want to fuck him again before I left, I say that I had 4 condoms with me & assumed that we’d use a couple, not just one. “Omg did you really lol? I assumed you only took one! See that’s why condoms suck haha. But 4 is ummm, you were keen.” He doesn’t reply for a while, I’m assuming he’s at her work, having lunch with her – after having fucked me less than an hour before, smoothing things over with her, that when he messages me again, I read it (because I know he can’t see that I have read it) & I go about what I am doing. I’m going to Brisbane in 2 days, I start packing, I try to distract myself from writing back to him. I am already in too deep & this man is constantly trying to keep his partner happy, when he himself is not happy. But does he ever really think about my happiness?

#IBD4U

First of all, I’m sorry for the writers block lately, it’ll all be clear when we catch up to todays date why it’s been such a struggle! I have so much going on at the moment that I am struggling to find the time to make myself write like I used to do. I hope that things settle soon & I can write more to catch up again.

You have no idea how much I want to meet him again, fuck him again, have him touch me again, right or wrong I love Silverlining & I want to see him. I am fully aware that he is not leaving her, that he is not going to be the one who walks away from her, he can’t – I mean he tried & she pulled a stunt which hit him harder than he thought it would. I’m not making excuses for him, sometimes we just can’t be with the one that you love. What’s that song “If you can’t be with the one you love honey, love the one you’re with” Not exactly an ideal situation & I would hate to be the one thinking that my partner is more into someone else than me, even if I had a family with him but I manipulated him into staying with me. I get that people can get over cheating & people can work on their relationship & make it stronger, only when both are committed to it but then I wouldn’t be stalking the mistress every day or ever! I think that would be a worse feeling than being cheated on. At least if they cheat & you leave, you know that you are better off. But if you stay knowing that there was feelings for another person, would you always wonder…?

Silverlining talks about how vocal & noisy I was during sex with him & how hot he found it. That he hates when a woman is silent & it makes me think that his partner is silent, but I don’t ask… She never came with him until she found out I used to cum with him, so assuming she’s asked if I was talkative or noisy & tries. But ultimately if you have to force yourself to do it, then you aren’t going to keep doing it, he said things had calmed down with their sex life so assuming she’s gone back to how she was in a way. The talking & moaning was always natural with Silverlining for me. I always hated making noise or talking with any guy I was with, but Silverlining & I use to have normal conversations & talk dirty while we were fucking & it never felt weird. It never felt forced, it never felt awkward. I guess he was the first guy I ever felt really comfortable with. I mean I had Boyfriend of course we lived together, but I didn’t know who I was, I wasn’t very sexual with him at all, not like how open I was with Silverlining.

He keeps bringing up Crows calling him Mr 6 pack but I remind him that yeah the sex was good with him but I didn’t love him & he didn’t make me cum like Silverlining could. He says he sees himself as a “Horrible fat piece of shit” I knew he had low self esteem, but I didn’t realise how low it is sometimes “OMG. You’re a fucking twat. To use your words. Spelling errors & everything!” He laughs “I can spell & do grammar and shit. So fuck you. I wouldn’t of put a full stop at the end. What twat face does that. Your like the only person online ever in the history of man that does that.”  Hahaha, he’s right. Every single message he sends doesn’t have a full stop, but every single one of mine does. He says it’s part of what gave me away when we were strangers.

I tease him so easily & he sends me a dick pic saying he can’t jerk off because the kids are around. He says that he wants me so bad & I start to think how easily we are falling back into the old routine. Can I meet him again & have sex with him? Will the sex be as good as I remember? I mean if just sitting opposite this man can make me wet & horny, then surely the sex is the same. Can I just have it one more time? He says no sex but he’ll allow dick sucking & fingering. He says that I got better at sucking his dick the more I did it & then he tells me I made him better at eating pussy – which fucks me off because now she gets it. I made him good at it & someone else gets to enjoy it…

I ask him if he wants me to wear granny undies, and ugly dress, not wash my hair or wear makeup & he says that he doesn’t think any of that will help, he’ll still want me, I get out a vibe & start telling him my go to fantasy & I ask if I can cum, when he says no, I am frustrated but I love that he has this control over me. I love that he wants me to beg him & that I will be a good girl & do what he tells me to. I say please, please Sir, I beg & he just says no. I say why did I ask, cos I could’ve just cum & him not know but he knows that it turns me on when he says no to me. I say that I wish I could video it for him but the app we’re using doesn’t have that option, so he says video it & email it to him. I cum very hard when he finally says “Cum for me slut. Be a good girl and cum hard” You all know that this language from anyone else would probably result in a punch in the groin, but fuck it turns me on when he says it & he knows it, I tell him that the video is en route to his email, so he can check it. He says that it’s going to be hard not to fuck me. I say that I think we both knew that if we ever came together again it would be like this… He says “Fuck I miss your moans” (No full stops!) He says that after seeing that video he wants me so badly & that I am a good girl for doing what I am told.

I also say that I don’t think that I told him I loved him yesterday so I say love you for yesterday & today. He replies “Love you too for today and yesterday” & I smile like a wanker. I tell him he’s an idiot but he should see my stupid grin. He says that he’s not used to me being so lovey dovey but it’s cute. To be honest, I’m not used to it either, but I don’t want him to ever think that I don’t love him as much as I did.

There’s a video on my phone that won’t delete either from years ago, of me in the white dress & him making me suck his cock while he edges me, I’ve deleted it so many times because I don’t want to keep reliving how hot we were, how close I was to having my happy ever after with him, He says that he’s watched that video a few times in the last 12 months & jerked off to it a few times. That surprises me actually & he says “Do you really think a guy ever forgets a woman that he fucks like a porn star FYI?” He had told me that he never allows himself to think about me, had told me that his partner lets him fuck her like a porn start & squirts too, I assumed I was long forgotten. He says that he’s stubborn & didn’t want to admit his weakness. He says that she only squirts like once a month, that she fucks him 10 times better that she used too, but she’s nothing like me. I don’t know if that makes me happy or sad…. He says that she’s never done anything like the train station or what I did with my panties, but something weird happened for them last week & I barely want to know, but he tells me that he pushed her head into the bed & she couldn’t barely breathe but she loved it. He says that it was an accident & it made her cum hard, then she didn’t shut up about it the next day… I don’t even know what to say, I look at his words about his sex with her & say “So remind me why you want me again?! Or even needed me in the first place”  If she’s so hot & sexy, what the fuck did he need to ruin me & her for?! “It was never just about sex, or kinky sex when it came to you. You were always my friend first. Sex was just the bonus. Kinky sex was the icing on top. Then there is the part that I fell madly in love with you based on our friendship.” He says that we would’ve developed feelings regardless if we met or fucked, because we talked so much. “I had feeling for you before we met. And I struggled hard core once we started fucking. You were so fucking guarded and a bitch. Your were like ‘nup, never having a man live with me , don’t want a man that has kids allready , bla bla bla’ So I was like fuck you. I’m dumb for falling for you. But I can’t stop having sex with you because the sex is so good. And I’ll hold my jealous rage in while you tell me your fucking other people on the app.” OMG, I never said I didn’t want a man with kids! Fuck I wonder if the things I said in the early days, like this was shit I said before I fell for him, I wonder that if I had’ve been more open if he would’ve been braver to leave her… He was doubting what I had for him & she was pulling a stupid stunt to prove her “love” for him I guess… He says that he tried to act like he didn’t care & that he wasn’t jealous, but I would see though it which annoyed him. I could always tell when he was being a jealous git, but I secretly loved it, though it was annoying stroking his ego all the time… “Please tell me you didn’t fuck Cowboy”  FUCK… I ignore that question… FUCK.

I just send a long message about the night I remember he got so jealous in the car when a guy on the app had messaged asking me to fuck him, I had told Silverlining because I always shared & he sat in the car after we fucked staring out the window pulling away from me, I had to grab his face & tell him that I am with him (We hadn’t said I love you at that point so I had to use other ways to tell him that I was only fucking him!) he says that I had good banter with that guy I think his name was Prods & Silverlining got scared. He says he was even crazily jealous really early on, even when I met Shark & Leblek… He says that he even hated that I could tell he was jealous through texts. He said he considered fucking other people on the app to make me jealous but he decided not too. I lied about things I did to protect him, well I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell him but it turns out that it was common knowledge & he knew. I never realised that he started getting feelings for me that early on, I mean I knew I wanted to talk to him & only him, when he wasn’t online, I would chat to others waiting for him to come back online, so yeah there were other people for me, but I stopped seeing other people only a few months into fucking Silverlining. It was sexy to see him jealous, especially when he’d do something douchy to a new guy in a group that was showing interest in me, it was like Silverlining would pee all around me to prove he was with me without telling anyone. It used to turn me on to watch him stake his claim on me.

I start getting horny again & chatting dirty, when he says “Gotta go. Fuckomg so hard. Fuck You so much. Love you and chat later … grrr. Have no idea why up put up with me and my bullshit like this Tho ! I’m so not worth it …”  I let him go & I think about my reply for a long time, something he needs to hear & something I need to say…

“Because you’re my best friend who I’ve missed terribly in the last 18 months. I’ve missed telling you things about my life, asking your advice, asking questions about food, seeing you & yeah even fucking you. I tried to fill a void you left behind, I admit I fucked other people & dated, tried new things like maslins & swingers parties, all in an attempt to get over you… But you see Silverlining, none of it worked, because at the first obstacle I was faced with a year later that you were possible the stranger chatting to me… That the excitement of you chatting to me online as a stranger took over me… Still wanting you, still loving you… You said you’d always love me, that those feelings will never go away… Why do you think those feelings I have for you are any different? You always think you’re not good enough for me, but let me make that decision…. I love you too… #IBD4U xxx” When he returns he does what he always does & gives me shit about going to maslins & swingers parties. But he says “But I hate just disappearing on on you”  He knows that annoys me, but I’m ok with him going if he says goodbye, I just hate when he doesn’t. I understand the situation that I am in, I am the dumb idiot chatting to a man in a relationship with kids… I tell him that I hate him disappearing too that the vibe slipped in my ass cos I was so wet & so I just went with it, he says “Haha Oh dear , don’t you hate it when it accidentally slips into your ass … Done that a few times in my time”  I don’t get anything from him again tonight & I am awake thinking about bullshit going on in my life & of course him too at 3:00 am. I ask if he ever checks the app & doesn’t find a message waiting for him, like I do because I feel like a loser checking all the time with no message from him.

I wake up late to messages from him at 6:30 am. “So I was thinking …  are you free Tuesday morning … as that would be an opportunity to spend a few hours together. Rather than 1 hour” He also tells me that that he checks all the time & sometimes I haven’t written back, which makes me smile. We get onto the topic of my hair, skin & nails tablets I’m taking & he says that he would never need then that he has to cut his hair like weekly & he cuts his nails twice a week “Fun fact you would only know from living with me”  I reply that I never got that option to know what it was like living with him because I am too clean & he says that he didn’t want to mess up my house, it was always so clean. Yeah that’s because I would clean while waiting for him to come over & I live alone so it’s easy to keep clean. I ask what he wants to do tomorrow morning & he says that we should meet at his gym at 9:00 am then we’ll go back to his house afterwards. Or I can meet at his house at 10:00 am. I stupidly want to spend as much time as I can with him, so I say that I’ll meet him at his gym at 9:00 am. I agree to meeting him there & making sure he follows his usual pattern, so as he’s not suspicious.

I show him a picture of the nurse outfit that he bought me & say that I wish I got to wear it for him, I say I wore it to switch to prove I’m over him & he asks if it worked, well of course not but I ask as a way of response, “Did you get over me a little bit?” his reply doesn’t surprise me but also it does a little “Uhh. I just distracted myself from you I guess. I still love you , so yeah …. Probably not. It’s probably not as deep as it once was but still there.”  Because he keeps bringing up the men I’ve fucked since him, I post a post on the anonymous app that says “I slept with 26 men to help me get over you… But it didn’t work… Not even a little bit. You are still the best I’ve ever had” & I change my name to his initials & bitch. I get so many replies, asking to be number 27 & help me get over him. But I did it to prove to him that he is still my number one. When I show him the inbox that is blowing up he asks how he even made it into my inbox & fuck knows, the universe is fucked sometimes. He says it was fun being strangers when I apologise for some of things I made him hear & he says that it’s ok. I remind him that he told me he couldn’t sleep, so it couldn’t have been that fun, & I have to probe him why he couldn’t sleep, to which he says that he couldn’t sleep because he wanted to chat to me more. Awww FUCK.

As the chat is winding down, I confirm that he wants to meet at 9:00 am. He says he’ll be gone in a second so I say I’ll see him tomorrow with kisses, he asks where the love is, I say I love him & then he says chat later – as he’s started doing. I ask where my love is & he says nope. I say love you anyway jerk but he of course says love you back & I prepare to see him again tomorrow morning… FUCK – is this a good idea? I know for a fact that we will kiss in the car, he wants to finger me & I want to suck his cock, but should we go to his place to have sex?! FUCK, I want it, but is this a good idea?

#IBD4U

I can’t fucking believe it, he is going to say goodbye like & fucking ghost me?! I send “Are you serious?!” I can barely type of any message “What the fuck happened in less than an hour for you to now say goodbye, like this??” I am overthinking, my thoughts are in overdrive. I know from your comments & messages that you’re all thinking that he is the smart one here, ending this before it goes too far. Before we meet again, before we fall more in love… But I am not quite at the point of ending this with him yet. I was asleep blissfully for less than an hour & now he’s ending us chatting, after the debacle of meeting me? Why would he bother meeting me if he was just going to say goodbye, like this, cowardly again… Message & delete me?!

FUCK.

I literally sit there watching the app for what I assume will be forever, with nothing back from him ever again, I expect that he won’t message me again, that he’s said his goodbye & that he’s done. When I see his messages pop up “I wanted to get some stuff out but we got cut short sorry. I’m not saying goodbye. Just scared I guess… You know I won’t be able to do that lol” OMG, so he was just trying to write a good bye for today message, tell me some things because obviously it was playing on his mind that he was a douche to me for making me feel dumb for the swingers parties & rope, so he decided to write something to me but he made it seem by saying that he tried to warn me that he was going for the evening… WOW… This is stupid but I am fucking relieved. I tell him that I am scared too, I mean I am going to get hurt here, I know he will be hurt but I will be alone, he still has his family when he’s not with me. I say that I am sorry too but I am not cooler than him, nor do I think he is uncool. He says that I am so uch cooler than him “I haven’t done anything near as cool as going to swingers party for even close to fucking 26 people in my entire life let alone 18 months. Just sayin. Cool” He then sends me a picture of his new haircut, he’s cut his hair to not be as long & I really like it, fuck he is sexy… I’m surprised he hasn’t fucked 26 people, he always made out like he was such a stud… He also apologises for rushing off, but I remember when we were together, he says he does that so he can message me as long as he can. I always just imagine him saying gotta go, deleting the app & going about his life, but I see now that he is probably deleting the app in the driveway so that he can chat to me as long as he can… It’s also random that he’s chatting tonight. I am glad he realises that he just rushes off & doesn’t get a proper goodbye, but I wasn’t expecting that. “BTW – it’s not cool fucking random strange men, just saying… It’s empty & unfulfilling…” I know that men like Silverling might see this differently, he sees that if he could pull 26 women in 18 months that he’d be cool & a stud but the fact that he says that he couldn’t get anyone when they were open makes him, in his eyes a loser. I just think it’s tragic that I fucked that many men & didn’t once ever get half the excitement from any one of them, that I got from just sitting opposite Silverlining at bloody hungry jacks!! Not even a spark… Yet I walked away from meeting him with wet panties & making myself cum the second I got home to thoughts of him!

He starts oversharing his sexual experiences as a younger lad, saying that he was always begged by women for more. But he often because of his shape of his cock or because of how hard he fucked them, made the women bleed, he says that he’s surprised he never made me bleed, which he didn’t… He tells me about the women with fake tits that he fucked & hot it was, it makes me wonder how he ended up settling for someone like he did… He tells me that he’s fucked about 15 people but he says like me he didn’t have sex until he was about 19 or 20… Plus he’s been in a closed relationship where he was monogamous (until me) for over 10 years. I refuse to tell him how many I have… Lets just say it’s over 50 for me but under 100… OMG.

As we talk I ask him or suggest subtly that we need an app that I get notifications on, so I’m not a loser checking the app every 5 minutes even when I know he’s said goodbye for the night, because like tonight he is chatting constantly so I do check through the night to see if he’s had a chance to come back online. He says that all his accounts on the chat app are deactivated. He reminds me how many enemies he made on there & I know of course, I mean his last message in one of the groups was telling everyone that the profile picture of me with cum on my face was his cum. I tell him that I was sent that by 3 people & I laughed at first getting that he wanted everyone to know but then I felt so disrespected. He say that is wasn’t to disrespect me it was just him waving his cock around, which I knew. He doesn’t get why I thought it was so rude, I mean I wasn’t in the group he did it in, then I had to deal with all the messages from people asking what happened, people knew we were together but we never told anyone at all, so I had to deal with all the questions while he deleted his accounts. I remind him that everyone knew anyway, we were in every group together, admin in every group & we were always online at the same time, I wouldn’t chat much unless he was in the group chatting too… He then says that he needs to go to bed, I say goodnight & I love you & he replies “Nooooooot healthy #IBD4U. But love you too…” I smile like a wanker & cosy down for a restful night sleep.

On holidays from work, I went to sleep late because he & I were chatting all night, then I am awake at 7:30 am to 12 messages from Silverlining at 6:20 am. “Morning loser. So I have a problem. I’m allready addicted to you. I want to chat to you every second I can. I want to see you too. And I sure as hell want to fuck you. And I know that I love you. Think we need some boundaries and some rules and stuff. Have to chat to each other like once a week. And no sex ever lll. Because I don’t want to interfere with your work life , personal life and love life. Or make you unhappy.” While I am smiling like an idiot at how cute he can be, I can also read between the lines here… He is telling me what I want to hear but also telling me subconsciously that he is not leaving her still, even though he feels this way about me. I also don’t think we can only speak once a week, I mean, would he ever be able to do that? I mean I could, but he would have to be the one that deleted the app & didn’t come back. I would have no self-control. I ask him if he wants to hear a secret, but I don’t wait for his reply “I’m addicted too. I want to talk to you every second. I want to see you, even keep thinking when we can… I definitely want to fuck you too… I love you too & don’t want to ruin your life either!” He says that I’m tempting him & I say that I am not, he says “So you show all your friends pics of your pretty little wet cunt oozing out pure bliss after you’ve cummed?” I laugh & he tells me that he’s hard at the gym now. I tell him that he is still the best sex I’ve ever had, but I guess that I am only in the top 3 for him, behind the Asian he was able to fuck in the ass & his partner. “Na. Your number one you twat face. Number fucking the one.” FUCK. I send him a naked picture & tell him that I am so wet, it’s insane how wet I am just from chatting to him again, I haven’t cum this much in the last 18 months than I have with him since I saw him for lunch. He tells me that I’ve lost a lot of weight & look so good in the pictures that I send, that he wants to fuck me & we need to control ourselves, that old chestnut. When we talk about the fact that some of the guys I fucked in the last 18 months didn’t even make me cum, he is seriously perplexed about it saying how easy it is to make me cum, but he forgets that our chemistry makes me cum, not just what the guy is doing… “Probably didn’t help you trying to get over me tho” EXACTLY… Finally he gets it, that while I may have fucked a lot of guys since him, they didn’t fill the void, a void I was trying so hard to fill. He still says that he was expecting me to be over him & with someone buff who’s kinky… I mean not this old chestnut too? FFS. This is when I say why I think that I loved him more than he loved me, if he can really believe that I would be over him that quickly. “I honestly did. You can do so much better than a geeky loser dude that fills shelves ! I loved you so much twat face. Still fucking love you. Didn’t know you loved me as much as you did … But don’t you fucking deny what I had for you … You had me so fucking close …” That just fucks me off when he says that “You know what I think about that. You never believed me” but he snaps “I believed you … I could feel it … I didn’t realize how deep it was … I told you , You would never get over me … With my own words irl.” So see he tells me not to blame myself that his kids are the reason for his decisions but had I told him more that I was so in love with him…. I don’t think he realises what it means to me when he says that I had him so close, he sees it as a compliment, but then I realise that he didn’t know that I loved him as deeply as I did & it makes me realise that if he did, things may have still turned out the same because of the stunt she pulled however, he would have not doubted our life together, which I know he did. “I was so into you it was ridiculous. It was all consuming. I thought about nothing else but you. I thought about when I was going to see you again, what we would do… I thought about what you were doing when we weren’t messaging, when you would come back online. I thought about you at the gym, standing opposite me giving me a cheeky look as we worked out… I thought about dates & holidays we could go on… I thought of excuses you could use to see me more… ” It was all consuming for me “You were starting to consume me more. You became my hobby and my interests. I stopped doing everything I loved because I focused all my spare time on you pretty much.” We were in so deep… How the fuck did we lose it?

We start sexting a little, he says that he’s hard & I need to stop enticing him, I send him a picture & he says “You up to much this weekend?” I say nothing much, because I know that whatever time he says he’s free, I will make myself available for him, but I do have a few things on, but I try to act nonchalant about it so that he will give me times he’s free, but he says that he won’t be online much & doesn’t want me waiting around for a message, my heart sinks a bit even though I know it was his weekend off, it’s been a fortnight since I saw him at the show. He says goodbye again for the night, with chat soon & that I’m like a drug, I say I love you because I am not going to regret not telling him, even if I won’t ever have him, I want him to know.

I check the app so many times over night in case he comes online to chat to me again, but I fall asleep with nothing from him. At 6:30 am I get a message “How many times did you check your phone loser. I check a couple of times … I’ll admit it.. Good Morning for today’s when you get your ass out of bed” I say that I checked more time that I care to admit & want an app with notifications because I don’t want to be addicted like that, looking at the app all night & waiting. Then I ask why he didn’t message if he checked, but he says that he would have only had time for single messages & that he’s stubborn, there was nothing from me. He says that he’s stubborn but then starts missing me & starts taking more risks checking the app around his partner. I ask if he was waiting for me to write “Hey baby cakes, I check the app every 30 seconds hoping for a message from you. Love you” He laughs & says that would have been cute, he says he was awake at 5:30 am but waited like he always does. He says that he’ll be offline soon, it’s around 10:00 am, when she gets up but he still randomly finds time to message me throughout the day. We don’t say goodbye this day or I love you when we sign off, as he kept chatting most of the night, one message at a time, I never knew when he was going or coming back but I wake up to 37 messages from him, mostly about the fact I wrote him saying I was awake all night with really bad tummy cramps from lactose (I think). “Why are you so addicting? Our chat will come to an end so like some loser I’m writing as much shit as I can to you… You need to stay off chat when your in qld and enjoy your holidays. I’ll tell you off if you chat to me.” & amongst all the other messages there is a “Oh yeah figured out a good time we could meet again , Tuesday night for dinner” Ahhhh our usual night… Our usual thing, could I go back to this pattern again? I want it. I wonder if he’s serious, if he will actually see me again. He is constantly dangling the carrot of being with me but also dropping into the conversation subtle hints that he is not going to be chatting to me forever or that he is not leaving her. However regardless of how you all feel about this relationship, I want to see him more than ever, if he’s serious I will be there sucking his cock & fucking him, where ever & whenever he wants.

FUCK.

#IBD4U

Silverlining says that I know him so well & I say that he probably can’t list 5 things about me, I mean I feel like sometimes he doesn’t know me at all… I’m surprised when his list of 5 comes through about me, slowly but surely he sends each number through to me as a separate message & I see why it takes a long time between messages, I don’t interrupt him because I want & need to hear this from him… (spelling mistakes & all!)

1. Your funny , you have a similar sense of Humour to me that is a little bit dad jokey, a little bit cheeky, a lot sarcastic , all rolled into one package.

*Shrugs* probably why you find me funny.

2. You by far are the sexiest woman I have ever fucked in my entire life . The things you did for me , omfg . You made my dreams come true … my 14 year old pubescent dreams, my 35 year old man dreams, anything I wanted I got plus more . You are so fucking amazing in bed, so talented and so fucking sexy.

Just saying that made me hard …

3. Your smart. Your not a dumb bimbo, you can think for yourself , you can fend for yourself, you’re a smart independent woman . I can actually have an intelligent conversation, I think your smarter than me , but unfortunately for you I can also see when your being dumb too.
4. You have always done the right thing by me . Your very loyal . You kept your word and we became exclusive in our situation . You didn’t go crazy and destroy my marriage when you could of . You are a fucking amazing friend , I hope you friends truly know what kind of person you are and appreciate you for what you are . I know you’re the type of person who will do anything for your friends.
5. Your honesty . It’s no secret , it’s one you have for me , and one that goes way back . We have always been super honest to other . Your naturally an over sharer which helps ! But I secretly love it . it caught my attention , it still captures my attention lol.

We have a very honest friendship , apart from that tiny little thing we wanna say.

Well HOLY FUCK!! I’m so surpised by this. He can still surprise me. I was expecting him to write no more than about 5 or 6 words – Sexy, Funny, Honest, Hot & good in bed. Not be that descriptive. I tell him to stop & he tells me that I should just take the compliment. Well to be honest, it’s not like he or any other guy gives me that many compliments, I struggle with taking compliments, even from my friends – let alone the man I love. I re read this list about 20 times. This is everything.

“But apparently I just used you for sex according to the masses” Well my mum was really the only one who planted that idea in my head but I did wonder sometimes. “But I’ll admit , you were my dirty little slut.” I tell him that he made a lot of my fantasies come true too & that I had so many firsts with him, he says bullshit to the firsts but that I deserve to live out my fantasies, so he’s glad he got to do them with me too. I start another lists of first I had with him

1. I’d never tied myself up for someone before…
2. Never made love
3. Never been in love
4. Never done anal in a car
5. Never fucked in a carwash,
6. Never fucked at a train station – He adds being tied up with cable ties
7. Never had cum on my face
8. Never fucked in an office before being tied with a usb cord
9. Never wore lingerie for anyone before
10. Never gave a guy my panties to keep

He adds cumming at the same time, which he didn’t think was possible & the stuff out of pure erotic fiction, according to him. I didn’t think it was possible but we were so in tune with each other that we were able too, not often, I will admit, but we did it a couple of times. I’m on a roll with firsts

11. I never looked at a guy before you during sex
12. I’ve never begged a guy to fuck my ass
13. Never used a vibe in front of a guy before
14. Never let a guy video me before or take pictures during sex

He gets on to the topic of how many guys I’ve fucked since him he keeps asking, his number is up to 21 & he says that it’s a compliment that I had to sleep with 21 guys to get over him, he says that he assumes that I fucked Max since him, which I haven’t really, he wouldn’t put on a condom so we didn’t have sex, but I’ve seen him. I tell Silverlining that I don’t want to tell him this stuff & he says ”I’ve made my bed and have to live in it” at least that’s true! I finally tell him that I’ve been with 26 guys & 1 woman since we ended a year ago… JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! First, why did I tell him & second, holy hell I’ve fucked a few too many people! I don’t know why I told him but he kept asking, then he tells me that the 3sum with his partner was shit, he had to take full control & tell the guy what to do, that he came really quickly too. I tell him that I went to a couple of play parties & swingers events but it wasn’t for me, I didn’t really enjoy it to be honest & haven’t been back since. I remind him that he refused to have a MFM with me but did it with his wife & he says that he didn’t say no to me, which is bullshit, it was never going to happen he was always to conscious about his cock, but I do remember looking for a few different guys. I stupidly tell him that I’ve been to maslins beach too, I hate that I tell him anything because he acts like a fucking wanker saying that I am kinky & I need it, that he’s not kinky that he would never go to the beach or a swingers party & just like rope, he makes me feel like shit about things I have done since being with him… Just like his partner does to him about his hobbies. When I say I’ve been to a swingers party he says “Ewww I’m going to have to glen 20 my lips now” I hate him when he is like this… I guess being with a woman for over 10 years that puts down everything you do, you start to do it to people too…

I remind him that I am STI free & ask how many he has? I am fucking angry when he is like this. I am almost certain that his partner has been cheating on him, how else does she randomly get an STI in her 30’s?! If I didn’t have it, Silverlining didn’t have it, Crows, Max & Sweetie didn’t have it… Where did she get it?! Anyway that’s not my business, nor do I care. He says that she’s had it for years & it’s something that develops, he says that he just sprayed his mouth with Glen 20 & says it takes like shit. “Good, I hope you choke on it!” He knows how to push my buttons “I can’t believe you live with someone with an STI & give me shit about being dirty… Fuck you are an asshole sometimes…” He says he’s joking but he should know how this feels. He says that the 3sum they had the guy came really quickly & had on a condom. “The mind boggles” & I laugh… Fuck he’s so annoying… He tells me that she always got my “sloppy seconds” when he did fuck her, he’d usually have fucked me before. OMG.

He tells me to calm down, he’s clean & I’m immunised, however he’s still fucking her without a condom obviously!? He tells me to stop wasting my love on a douche, that he’s the biggest one & then says that he thinks I like his douche side, which I do it turns me on he tells me that I’m fucked in the head, which I know. I mean Jesus I’m still chatting to him after what happened between us so yeah I know that I am not right in the head. I say that I enjoy our banter but that we can fight & still keep chatting, that if he was here, I would probably be bent over the kitchen counter. He agrees & says not to make him hard.

He says “You used to be my slut. Now your everyones” Fuck he’s a cunt. “Yeah… I was… No amount of dick has every replaced the way yours made me feel…” I fucking hate him right now. “Good come back. I’m a complete douche and your still nice.” I know it’s like his little test for me, like the lyrics of one of his favourite bands “I push you away until you beg me to stay just for the thrill of the chase” He says that he avoided me, didn’t stalk me at all in fear of finding out that I was happy & in love with some buff cool guy, that when I was a stranger to him on the app he realised that I was still in love with him. I tell him that I was trying not to think about the crazy sex they were having so I was trying to fill a void by fucking so many men, but he says that his sex is a lot calmer now & gone back to how it was though she sometimes encourages his dom side. I never had to encourage it, he just did it with me… I wonder if either of them ever think about that?!

He changes the subject knowing I am getting angry & asks about my work, I have told him before in earlier conversations that things have changed for me & he asks what. I say that we’re going through a merger, I’ve been moved teams without being consulted & I say while I absolutely love my job, it’s harder & harder to do it everyday because the environment & micromanagement. Also that what I had been working towards for the last 5 years in my job had been taken away from me, that I feel worthless. He says he’s freaking out about what he’s going to do next, that he’s just un-enrolled in uni & I say that I dropped out too last year. He keeps pressuring me to tell him what happened at my work, he says that he’s so scared & that his mum has messaged him to tell him it’s a good package & that he should leave his job but he’s so scared. He tells me not to leave my job, which I have no plans too, I love what I do but I had goals I was working towards & so I am worried about my future. I spill the whole story, which I won’t bore you all with but he says “So they don’t think highly of you ? And there trying to make you unhappy & leave ?” Yeah even he gets it.

We get on the topic of me travelling for work & how grumpy I would get at him if I didn’t get sex “I swear to god if you went one week without sex you were the grumpiest bitch ever” I laugh, I remember being grumpy when he didn’t find time to fuck me.

I tell him that I am eating & he says “Good look after yourself” I tell him that I am very aware that I have an eating disorder due to the stressors at work, that I discuss it with my psychologist all the time. He says that his eating disorder is the opposite to mine, he says he eats his feelings. I used to eat shit, but never ate a lot but somehow I was over 100kgs when I turned 30, but I’m hoping that being on three weeks holidays I can get back into a normal eating cycle, with a week away in Brisbane. He says that he’s stressed too & pissed off I noticed him shaking yesterday at lunch, I was shaking too, he says that he was so nervous & that it’s weird to be nervous around me. I agree, I mean this guy knows almost everything about me, has seen every inch of me, had touched every part of me & yet we were nervous. Then he catches me off guard.. “I wish we could of dated…” FUCK.

Fuck I wish I got to date him too. I mean I always wanted too, we did get a few dates but nothing like I would have wanted to do with him, movies & dinners… But I tell him I’ve been wet all day chatting to him & he says that he’s hard & sends me a picture as proof, as if I need it because I know he would be hard if he tells me he is. He says he wish he felt how wet I was when we met, that he was hoping to finger me but was definitely not going to fuck me. “Stop encouraging this, We can’t fuck! We just friends biatch.” Then he tells me he freaked out about my perfume because it was strong, but it was just normal & he says that he doesn’t normally get this hard this often. “Should of come over and fucked me today dammit” JESUS! I thought he just said we aren’t having sex!!! He says that it’s his day off & his daughter sleeps from about 11:30 am to 2:30 pm, so he could have a couple of hours with me… OMFG! Would I go? To his house… Again?!

I say that we could control ourselves but he says that we can’t. I am desperate to see him again, I am dying to feel his hands on me to be honest, I am pissed off that I didn’t touch him more at hungry jacks, even innocent touches. I tell him I have a little fantasy that I think about a lot when I cum he says to please share “I’m tied up… Usually wrists to ankles, with the vibe on my clit, nipple clamps on, the vibe set to the prick setting making me dripping wet… I keep begging you to cum but you just watch & tell me not to move but I keep moving so you slap my face. Then grab it roughly & tell me to do as I’m told so I lay still, like a good girl till I’m begging you to cum again… Which is when you slip your cock in, choke me & make me cum on your cock.” He says that it’s very hot fantasy & he loves it. I remind him of the one & only time he slapped me across the face consensually during sex, he ripped off the body stocking I was wearing, choked me with it then slapped my face, I loved it… “I trusted you with everything. You could’ve done anything to me.” he says that he knows. He says that he’s so hard & we sext for a bit longer before he has to go to school pick up. He says “Your lucky I don’t come over and rape you” & I know that he can’t but fuck I want him so badly…

We talk about all our videos & gifs & pictures, he said that he lost them recently with the calculator app when he got a new phone. I tell him that I have them all on USB, well my sister has it all. He asks why & I know he knows, I tell him that I was prepared to be hurt by his partner “I have no doubt she would of killed you if she went to you …. She got close to stabbing me lol” Ummmm, how is that funny?! He says that he held a knife, a piece of mirror & a bottle at him then night she found out about me. FUCK me… Really?! He says he never admitted to her about me going to their house & I say “At least she can feel safe in her house” not like me, who’s installed security cameras & told my neighbours to watch out for her car.

He then kind of turns all the stuff of me being kinky or liking rope, going to swingers parties & maslins & uses it against him & how he’s not cool & wouldn’t do that stuff. I snap & remind him that I didn’t have sex for months after we ended, he then comes back online with a matching account to her in an open relationship, telling me how hot his sex life is that I snapped & went out to fuck anything & everything I could. Trying to find a connection like I had with him… He says “I’m just giving you shit out of jealousy” which I know but he’s a dick when he does, I know him so well, he says that he wouldn’t have gone with me if I asked & he would have stopped me from going if we were together, but well, we probably didn’t need to go to a party being our sex life is so hot but if I asked, he would have gone with me. He says that I don’t know him that well if I think that… Well maybe not? We have a fight over who is the biggest loser, not of weight but who is the biggest loser in life, I think I am winning being he thinks everything I do is stupid… He says a very quick abrupt good bye “Gotta go, chat later. Love you you loser” OMG, he’s said it today. I say that I love him back & he’s gone! I lay down to have a nap…

I wake up & stupidly check the app, I have told him that I want to use the chat app with him so I can get notifications cos it’s annoying looking at this app constantly waiting for his messages… I sit bolt upright when I read his latest line of messages “I was hoping for a better goodbye but tried to warn you ! This isn’t healthy though #IBD4U , I think you falling more for me the more we talk again and catch up ! But you are so much better than you’ll ever know , be proud of who you and what you have achieved! I honestly think it’s cool you went to swingers parties actually jealous I’d never have the confidence to do it. Your not a loser and fucking amazing x. Love stupidly always. Silverlining”

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Is he going to ghost me?

#IBD4U

So Silverlining & I have met after a year of not speaking. We’ve said I love you to each other’s faces. We saw the look in our giveaway eyes. We’ve gotten a few answers. We said the things we needed to say. We’ve felt the ridiculous chemistry that crackles between us. We got a kiss on the lips & a hug. That’s enough right? We’ve scratched the itch, we don’t need to keep going now, we can say goodbye & be happy that we’re both happy?! But are we both happy? (Record for how many times I said happy in one sentence?! Hahaha)

I am driving home – literally so turned on from the electricity between us, but I refuse to message him, he will probably refuse to message me too. I don’t have to wait long before he messages me “Hey stranger” I smirk like a fucking idiot when I see it pop up – I stupidly have the app open as I don’t get notifications on this app. I write back that I am so fucking turned on just by sitting opposite him & I say that I’m stupid, that I wish I touched him more. He says “Phew I thought I was the only one.” Which I’m not sure if he’s referring to being turned on or wanting to touch me. He says that if there wasn’t a dude sitting opposite us the whole time he was going to finger me. OMG that would have been fun…

I say that I’m glad I told him that I loved him, it was hard to say but I really do love him & he reminds me that he had to force it out of me & that he was thinking about fingering me, which made him hard the whole time we were together. I knew he would have a twitching cock, but I didn’t think he’d be hard the whole time!

I say that I tried to stop looking at him because I could the see I want to fuck you look & suggest that next time we sit in the car… OMG – there is going to be a next time?! He says “Boundaries #IBD4U. Gotta keep those boundaries.” But then he agrees that we need to have lunch in the car. Hahaha.

I tell him though that I can control myself, I did want to fuck him but if we met again I could control myself “If I whispered in your ear I wanted to fuck my dirty little slut … You could control yourself? While my fingers circle inside you lil went cunt that always gets dripping for me. I doubt it” Fuck he knows what to say to get me going. I tell him that if he’s doing that to me then that is him not controlling himself, then I send him a picture of me using my vibrator. My god I am so turned on right now, I cum really quickly & he sends me seven messages in a row “#IBD4U. OMG. Fuckik. That is sooo hot. Fuck I want to fuck you. Boundaries ! Lucky I wore baggy pants today.” I tell him that the picture was an accident & he knows I am lying so he laughs. I tell him that we are not having sex & he needs to control himself. Then he says “Why did I find it hotter that I saw you in that cute little dress to and wanted my fingers to touch that cute little wet cunt.” He didn’t say too much about how I looked & he says that he says I looked good several times & that I don’t need to lose more weight. Then when he says “My eye should have told you too !” & I know they did, our eyes when they meet are a dead giveaway. He then asks how much perfume I am wearing today, I mean he makes me feel like I stink but he says he can still smell me & so he’s coating himself in lynx. He says that he thinks that meeting up made things worse because I’m suppose to hate him & not want to fuck him, he asks what I see in him but then he goes for ages & I don’t hear from him, assuming he’s home & deleted the app.

His message when he returns a little later that night “FFS. My sister and her bf were at my parents. I said you were my union rep reviewing my package …” FUCK so they asked who I was”?! “My sister goes in front of my whole family. Apparently you were cheating on k… Keto in hungry jacks. I was like yeah, keto. Then mum asked who I was with. Fuck I’m a good liar.” Interesting, he is not a good liar with me, I can tell by his eyes when he lies to me & his tone… I don’t know how they don’t pick up on it?!

He actually has a moment of weakness & asks my opinion of if he should stay at his job or take the redundancy. “What do you think I should do? And keep in mind I don’t ask for advice or help Often !” I know he doesn’t ask for help & so I tell him that he should take the package & find his passion, I mean I’ve said it to him before but he hasn’t asked me quite like this before… “I’ll be honest with you. I’m sacred shitless.” Fuck I never expect him to be vulnerable with me, even if it is about his work. When he says that he has to go, that he’ll chat later, I say “Love you… xxx” he says “Chat later sexy bitch xx. Probably tomorrow lol. Argh. Love you too x”

FUCK

I go out that afternoon for some wines with a friend, I refuse to tell her what I was up too today. I haven’t really shared what with a lot of friends that I am chatting to him again, I haven’t told anyone but my sister that I was planning on meeting him again & that I actually went through with it. Everyone would tell me not too, they would have the eye roll moments & tell me off for doing it. No one gets it. I don’t even think a lot of you understand why I had to do it. I needed to see if the chemistry was still there, if there was a reason why I was still torturing myself every day thinking of him. I was hoping to see him & it change how I felt about him. I go to bed at 8:30 pm but wake up at all 11:30 pm & can’t sleep thinking about him. I message him late at night to tell him that he’s not the only loser awake at weird times thinking about us. He says that he doesn’t mean to be a burden of a drug. He is my Edward from Twilight. He asks what I was doing up at 5:00 am & asks if I was flicking the bean. I laugh & tell him that I did have some sexy thoughts about him & made myself cum. He asks what were the thoughts “Well, I thought about if you were next to me. How I’d wake you up for sex… then imagined my legs on your shoulders… Your hand roughly grabbing both my wrists above my head, other hand on my throat tightly… Sliding your cock slowly in my very open cunt… Then pounding my super wet pussy hard till I squirted…” He says “Fuck you #IBD4U.” & then I get a hard dick pic from him! We both say how much we miss when I would squirt just from his cock & he says that he’s going to have to jerk off over me today. I say “Are you allowed to masturbate, better get permission” I mean who has masturbate anyway?! Hahaha. We talk about our sex life before, him fucking my tits & cumming on them, how I would wear his cum all day when he did cum on me somewhere, usually my tits & how well I sucked his cock.

I ask him that when he used to wake up at 5:00 am, what the used to think about, was it just sex or something else. “I lamely want to hear from you and speak to you again … Get a message from you …Then think about stuff” I ask so many times but he won’t tell me what stuff… I can only assume about us being together & what our life would be like if he was brave enough to take a chance on me. I ask him if his family know the extent of the affair with me, like how close he was to leaving her & that he was in love with me, I wasn’t just a one night stand & he says that he avoids it at all costs with them, doesn’t tell them anything but says his family love his partner & they even offered for her to stay with them during the break up… OMG. He says he stayed at his parents house the night his stuff spent at my house, I had asked him to stay he but he said he had him mum in his ear, his partner (he uses her name which is rare) in his ear “Don’t ever think it was your fault. Cos it never was. And it hurt me so much thinking you always thought it was your own fault. Killed me hearing that as a stranger. And I’ve always told you can do so much better than me.” I hate when people say that, because if I could do better, then I wouldn’t be single? I tell him that it hurts that he listened to them over me, I was begging him to come stay with me & he listened to them & stayed at his parents house. He says that he will always believe what I tell him over his mum & partner, but that bullshit. He says he has issues of his own, which I know about & that his kids had more impact than he thought. I mean his daughter was only 3 months old at the time, so I get it.

He asks me again since I didn’t answer him before, what do I see in him, he says that I’ve probably fucked 99 guys since him & got Motocross, that I should be forgetting about what I had with Silverlining. I tell him that I can list 5 things without even thinking about it – I know he won’t believe me anyway or find some way to say that this isn’t true but anyway, I list my 5

1. You’re funny (regardless of what you say)
2. You’re devoted to your family
3. You’re passionate & driven (even if at the moment it doesn’t feel like it because of your work circumstances)
4. Our chemistry & connection is unheard of … No one can deny that sparks crackle between us.
5. I love you.

And since I can keep going, I do, before he can say anything

6. You’re also very sexy & good looking (Again despite what you say – you’re not fatter than ever)
7. How honest you are with me… Even when it hurts or upsets me.
8. How you make me feel about myself . You give me confidence & make me feel like there is no one else hotter than me.

I add number 9 when he says exactly what I think he’ll say, about being unemployed & not funny or sexy gruff, gruff, gruff.

9. How well I know you & what you’re thinking.

#IBD4U

After the gym today, some may say that I have a moment of insanity, maybe it’s because he said he was going to kiss me, but I say “Well, I could meet you for lunch today”  FUCK… My plans have changed & I want to get this out of the way… We want to meet, so just fucking do it, I can’t message him any longer without seeing him again. I have to see him, I want to see him, he wants to see me. He replies “Haha, I say I’m going to kiss you and suddenly your free for lunch.” He says that he’s keen for lunch today, if I am too. He says to meet him at 12:00 pm at Hungry Jacks (fucking HJ’s) & with that, I speedily get ready – not caring as much today what I look like & I am in the car driving the old route to his work…

I shake as I drive past his work, thinking that I might see him walking to his car & that might settle me, I am early, because that the stupid shit I do – I hate people who are late – but I can ever run late. I see him drive into the car park as I’m sitting in the car & then walking into the Hungry Jacks with a piece of paper in his hand & his keys. He looks the same as I remember, his shirt looks about 20 sizes too big – but he looks the same. I am wearing a short denim dress that’s button up the front, with long sleeves, I’m wearing cute brown sandals, my hair has fallen perfectly, my makeup is subtle & just right, I feel good. I get out the car as he’s walking past & he sees me. FUCK. He turns to come over towards my car, I am shaking like a leaf – I haven’t seen him for over a year. He looks the same, yet somehow different. He’s tall & I have to stand on my tippy toes & he has to bend to hug & kiss me. We have a lingering hug – the type of hug that makes you feel like you’re home & a kiss on the lips hello, before walking into HJ’s. He tries to get me to order something, but I don’t & can’t eat. It smells gross to me right now. There are too many stressors in my life to be eating. We sit down at a table & he scoffs his meal, we chat semi awkwardly.

I feel it – FUCK, I  feel it… That chemistry, that crackle between us. It was there when we first met, those are the exact words I said over two years ago. It was there every time I saw this man, it never went away. It’s there now, I feel so alive when I’m with him, all my senses are heightened – his smell, how he looks & his touch… Every fibre of my being wants this man. Whether that is right or wrong, I want him. whether he is going to be with me ever, I still want him.  I can feel how much he wants me too, I am certain that I’ve made his cock twitch, if it’s not entirely hard, I know he’s aroused, just by being in my presence…

He shows me the pieces of paper he’s brought along with him, I can’t help but think for an instant that it’s a NDA like Christian Grey. Hahaha. But he’d told me he just had his redundancy meeting & this is his offer. He asks my opinion, if I think he should take it & I say that he should find his passion, how often do we get that chance in life to get a pay out & find what we love doing? If I was ever made redundant, I’d take it for sure.

Silverlining shoves a chip at my mouth & I say that I can’t eat it but he forces me to eat this one chip. He has a sad look in his eyes, begging me to look after myself, that I eat the chip & he smiles. He fidgets with his piece of paper, folding it & unfolding it, trying not to look me in the eyes, knowing that our eyes are a dead give away to each other. I fight with my keys on the table, wanting so badly to reach across the table & hold his hand, I come close to touching his hand, but I chicken out. I can see in his eyes what he’s feeling, so when we do lock eyes, they meet & without words, I know everything I need to know about him. He loves me & I can tell that he is genuinely torn. I know that he says he loves his partner, but there is no way that he looks at her the way he looks at me. I can tell… There are some things you can’t fake. He’s shaking too, I can tell, when he holds the papers, the way he talks, the way he’s acting, I know he’s nervous & this is just as hard for him as it is for me. I can see in his eyes that his is torn, I know he wants this with me, I can feel it, I can see it. But I can also see the anguish of not wanting to leave his family unit either… I can honestly, for the first time, see the absolute struggle he is having between what he thinks he should do & what he wants to do. I saw the struggle the day he was at my house, but that isn’t the same as what I’m seeing now. That day it was too raw & with her messing with his head, he was unsure about what to do, but now in this moment, I can see the hurt & pain he is in being here with me.

Then suddenly a dude appears & Silverlining looks up at him, who is sort of hovering over our table, over the partition while waiting for his food. I just think it’s a weirdo in HJ’s when Silverlining says ‘hey man’ & they ask each other how they are. I just think nothing of it so turn away thinking it’s either a customer from Silverlining’s work or just a random hey between guys who made eye contact – though I didn’t think that Silverlining would be the type to do that. When the guy says bye as he’s walking out & Silverling says see ya man or something, I look up at Silverlining & there is a freaked out look on his face. “FUCK that was my sisters fiancé” Oh now he uses the word fiancé?! WTF.  Fuck me sideways…. I seriously cannot believe that we’ve just been sprung! I ask if he’ll say anything & he says probably to his sister but she won’t say anything to his partner apparently. Well fuck. I am fucked if his partner finds out that he’s had lunch with me! Jesus, of all the places for us to get spotted, I never thought it would be at Hj’s… He doesn’t seem as worried about it as me…

As we sit there chatting about his redundancy & how shit things are for me at work, I am still playing with his keys, wanting so badly to reach out & touch his hands, which are so close to me. He’s fidgeting with the paper still, that I feel like he wants to touch him too, but he’s holding back. We always hold back with each other. However, I fucking can’t bring myself to do it. This is a man who has been intimate with me on so many levels, seen every part of me physically, yet I can’t reach out & touch his hand. What if he pulls away because he realises that this is a mistake, meeting me again? Seeing me again? I always struggle with affection, I know I’ve done it with other men too, but this guy is different, isn’t he? Why can’t I touch him? I guess it’s lucky I didn’t because how would he explain that to his brother-in-law-to-be?

When he looks me dead in the eye, I almost know what’s coming, our time is almost up, he has to go back to work & so he says “Is there anything you want to say to me?” I know what he is referring too, I know what he wants me to say. He’s always said it first, he said it in message first when we admitted it finally, he said it first in real life when he was at my house & he’s admitted who he was first when we were strangers & that he still loved me first this time, I know he wants me to say that I love him first now that we’re face to face… It’s something he knows I struggle with & to be honest, I probably would wait for him to say it if he didn’t prompt me like this. But I need to do this too, I should have already said it, it was my regret, why haven’t I said it yet? I can’t joke about this, I can’t be a dick about it either, this is my time to tell him what I am feeling, what I feel, my big regret can be reversed here. I shouldn’t need to be prompted but I am going to do it. I look him in the eye, he’s looking at me wanting to hear it just as much as I want to say it, I can see that in his eyes, he needs to hear it from me, probably more than I need to say it “I love you Silverlining” he smiles as it washes over him, a look in his eye that I know he feels it, he doesn’t say it back so I say “Is there anything you want to say to me?” & laugh & he says “I love you #IBD4U” OH FUCK. There is nothing I like more than saying this to him, to his face, to rectify things I regretted before. Despite what you all think of him, if I am doing the wrong thing, but I love him & there is nothing I can do to change that right now.

#IBD4U

I literally am in a daze. I have just been bailed on for meeting the man that I am still in love with for lunch. How fucking stupid do I feel!?

Over the course of the next hour, I do not look at the app. I don’t get notifications from it either, so I try to do something to keep busy. When I see his name pop up as he’s sent me an email. The title says “Photo in hospital to prove I’m not lying.” & the body of the email contains a photo of her arm in bed & part of the hospital room & he writes “I deleted the app as I do regularly and it won’t Let me send a pic … I didn’t lie or mean to hurt you today …” I stare at it for ages. I notice the date on the whiteboard, it’s today’s date. It kind of fucks me off that he thinks I would imply that he’s lying to me. I check the app & see several messages from him too “I really didn’t mean to make you feel stupid or not go through with I swear to god. She’s knocked out on morphine right now and I’m bored outta my brains. I sent you a pic of hospital as proof as I’m lame haha. And I feel so bad for letting you down. To your email cos the app won’t let me” I don’t reply for ages. I can’t. I am hurt, I know it’s not his fault but I am feeling so foolish… Why did I even think meeting him was a good idea… When has anything ever gone my way with this man?!

Despite all your advice that you give me on Facebook, trust me if you were telling me this story, I would tell you to run a mile too – walk away. But somehow I can’t help myself. He tugs at my heart strings & I can’t help but be drawn back in. I write to his app messages & his email on the app snapping “I never said you were lying” I know that if he’s made plans to see me & he changed his mind, that he would just tell me that it’s not a good idea, he wouldn’t make up a story that I could easily verify just by walking into her work. It takes all of my effort not to write more, but I am upset, I am not angry, I am just numb & hurt by this. He tells me that being at the hospital is the last place he wants to be, he hates them & he’s worried that his ‘crazy ass random event’ happens at the exact same times he’s supposed to meet me, he thinks it looks suss… Well it does, but I know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t use a stupid excuse not to see me, I know that he would tell me the truth & he would bail, he says that he really wanted to see me today & I say that it’s lucky he emailed because the app doesn’t give me notifications & I only checked it because I got the notification of his email. He didn’t realise that I had to check the app every time I got a message from him & I say “Yeah cos I’m a foolish wanker” he tells me that I am not, as usual, but I am such a fool. “Well only a fool would love me. Your not a fool. Your sexy and smart and far from a fool. You’re the smartest person I’ve chatted to ever. So many chicks are dumb online.” Fuck I am so dumb… I am not smart at all when it comes to him… “What smart woman spends an hour getting ready so it doesn’t look like I put in that much effort. To sit in front of the heater alone watching Netflix? Yeah so smart!” I want to make him feel bad, even though it’s not his fault. I want him to realise how much effort I give him & he treats me badly, even if he couldn’t help it. “I know you put in a lot of effort and would of look super cute for me … You wanted my eyes to give you the look they always do. And I would of noticed. I’m sorry #IBD4U , I really am.” He also says that he didn’t want to have sex with me today so he’s not sure why I wore lingerie. I am not sure either, I mean we were meeting at Hungry Jacks. I wasn’t planning on fucking him, but with the weight I’ve lost due to work stress, this is the only bra that fits me, so I wore the matching panties. I tell him this & that I won’t fuck him without condoms anyway & I don’t have any. I know he’s trying to joke here, but it makes me furious “Haha well no point really fucking then , I know how you feel and it’s not the same. But I don’t blame you either. And I feel the same way about you , god knows how many guys you’ve been with since me.” Did he seriously just say that to me!? His partner has a confirmed STI… “Actual fuck you for saying that Silverlining. I’ve been STI tested 4 times since knowing you, 3 times since we ended…” Fuck he’s a jackass.

He sends me pictures of his sandwich & says something about eating carbs which is how he knows he’s feeling shit, because he’s been doing keto. I don’t reply. Fuck him. “I’m a dick. FFS. Please eat and look after yourself. Ps my partner hasn’t looked you up on Facebook in a while. Just checked while she’s passed out lol” OMG so now he goes through her phone too? These two are fucking insane! He says that he’s looked at her chat app too & seen a picture of Crows & says that I shouldn’t be wasting my time on him being he’s so unreliable when I could have Crows – well first I couldn’t have Crows as he is just as unreliable. & I tell Silverlining to stop looking at men I’ve fucked & torturing himself. Fucking stop stalking people… (What he should have said to his partner about stalking me!) “You’re being so rude to me. Push me away all you want, it didn’t stop me from loving you before. What makes you think it’ll work now?” I am fucking over it. He says that ‘curiosity got the worse of him’ Yeah I’ll say it did… He basically just called me a skank with an STI. He says that he didn’t call me that & doesn’t hold it against me how many men I’ve been with since him 12 months ago. But he clearly is holding it against me. He guesses 12 & I didn’t really think that he would try to guess – this is not a good idea. I don’t want to tell him that number. He says he knows I was trying to tell him things to make him jealous when we were strangers & he’s right, I was & did. He says that I’ve always been an oversharer & why we couldn’t be friends. “And why we shouldn’t be friends!” I can’t believe he’s said that “Coming from ‘Mr I’m choking my partner tonight after she’s fucked some guy & sent me pictures…” & his reply makes me laugh – stupidly “We can go back to pretending to be strangers ?” then he asks how I found that out, I mean he fucking told me!! He doesn’t remember telling me that. Well I guess we’re both oversharers. “I was always more honest with you than I was with my partner , probably still am.” I don’t get why you would want to be with someone that you either have to or choose to lie too?

We talk about the guy that I fucked that I cried with after Silverlining & a few other guys, he gets all judgy about me doing rope & the people that go to that too & I try to just stop replying but I can’t. “I’ve only fucked my partner since you too btw” That makes me feel oddly smug! I am glad of that to be perfectly honest, he says that he never had much luck & she even tried to get him girls too but she couldn’t. I can’t help but think sucked in you asshole. He tells me that his partner fucked three guys but he got nothing! OMG – Why is he telling me this?!

He says she tried pretty hard with Crows but he wouldn’t fuck her & this other guy the one of my friends used to fuck regularly, but she never did. That has made me feel smug too, the fact that people on the chat app are more loyal to me than I thought they would be. He asks why I am not still fucking Crows & I explain that he called me beautiful & then I never saw him again, not sure if they were related but it was weird. “You do look beautiful. I bet you looked so beautiful for me today.” FUCK.

Silverlining tells me that he’s too embarrassed to tell me what his hobby is, he tells met that his phone broke a few months back & it took him ages to fix it so he had time to do things that he wanted too do & he wasn’t so obsessed with social media. He says that he has to go & I say to tell me, then he’s gone. The next morning he says “Fun fact , my partner has always put down my interest and hobbies my whole life and is openly honest about calling me a loser about it.” WTF?! Why aren’t these 2 supporting each other?! I bet she has hobbies that he might think is lame, but doesn’t tell her… Though fun fact, Silverlining has put down my interests in rope about a million times, even to the point where if things didn’t go south with the people who ran the club, I probably would have stopped going anyway… So in fact, he’s no better! But I guess it’s easy to put me down to make himself feel better about the fact he thinks he’s not good enough for me. I tell him that it hurts me that he thinks that I would ever put him down for his interests & hobbies. I would never do that, I am always supportive of everything he’s ever chosen to do. I hate that he puts me down for something he doesn’t understand after now confessing that that’s what his partner does to him, I’m surprised that he would do it to me, knowing how it feels.

He sends me 15 messages to basically tell me that his hobby is buying old computers off Facebook marketplace, doing them up & selling them… OMG. Why would he even think that I would judge him for that, I know that he’s got a thing for computers & gaming consoles, I mean all he brought to my house was fucking computer shit, why would he think that I didn’t realise that what he is into? I say that it’s adorable, but he just thinks he’s a major geek. It is geeky, but like I say to him, at least he’s not wasting his money on cigarettes or drugs or alcohol, he’s actually doing something with his time.

He changes the topic “Oh yeah even though I wasn’t going to fuck you yesterday (despite wanting too lol) I really wanted to give you a hug and kiss you.” OH FUCK. I am at the gym, going on with my life, I’m assuming that he’s called in sick to look after her, so I say goodbye assuming he’ll be gone when I am done. He says that she’s off today anyway – she won’t take medication when she feels a migraine coming on & then this type of thing happens but he’s at work today. Seriously, if I was admitted to hospital, I would make my partner stay at home – these two are weirdos! “I was going to kiss you … no matter what … really wanted to kiss you.” FUCK.

#IBD4U

The next morning, I wake up to nothing from Silverlining. He’s so predictable, he says that he gets to start work late so hasn’t got out of bed yet. He says that he can’t always be easy on me, making him message first, which I know he hasn’t done at all, even as a stranger.

He tells me never to have kids, getting them ready for school is a nightmare, I slip in the fact that I can no longer have them anyway & he says that he wants to get the snip. He asks why I can’t have them & I tell him that I made my decision permanent. “Wow. You know if everything went right with me leaving my partner and I lost custody of my kids I would of begged you to have kids right ?” Well I reply that he would of got sole custody, what judge is giving his mentally ill partner custody, “I would’ve had a kid with you” even if he had custody – which is fucking hard for me to admit, but I would of had a child, possibly even children with him. I would have had his child, if he asked… FUCK that is hard to admit. I say that I can still technically have a child, I’d just have to do IVF. I can’t help but wonder, if I hadn’t have even said anything about not wanting kids way back when we were together, if then that wouldn’t have been a factor – it might’ve been easier for him to leave her, knowing there was that chance to have children with me!? I’ll never know, if I asked now, he would say no anyway.

He also says that he didn’t actually want sole custody (& I kept pushing that down his throat – maybe another mistake on my part.) but he didn’t want them in another state & him not able to see them at all, which is what she threatened. Would things be different if I wasn’t so against having kids of my own?! He always said I hated kids, which I do not, I love kids, I just didn’t want them of my own. But I know that if we were together & he asked me to have one, I would have.

While I’m spending a lot of time getting ready for our lunch date – trying to look effortlessly put together, we are messaging constantly. He tells me that he can’t ever join the chat app again as he made way too many enemies on there, that I have too many friends on there & that his partner still has it on her phone. Oh good, so she’s probably stalking me on there. He says that she tried but couldn’t find me – OMFG. What the fuck is wrong with this person… He says that she went back on dating apps a few times too, enjoying the chatting with people more than he thought she would. He says that he lost interest when it all started getting back to me. He didn’t know how connected I was & that anything would get back to me. He says something about liking the gratification of how women make him feel on internet chat, even if he’s never going to do anything with them, he’s gratified. It’s so weird how this man is so insecure about how he looks in my eyes yet, other women tell him he’s sexy or has a big dick & he believes them. It fucks me off to be honest. I mean I get that he thinks that I’m too good for him but yet he also knows that I was in love with him – he says he saw it in my eyes, but yet doesn’t believe me when I tell him his good looking?! Fuck he’s confusing.

When he told me that his partner doesn’t know how to use the chat app groups, yet he’s told me that she hacked Facebook to be able to look at all my private photos with a “trick” I call bullshit. He says that’s she’s really dumb so can’t work out the groups but that she didn’t hack Facebook but worked out some stupid trick – he says she can look via my friends – which she can’t as my friends list is private. (If anyone knows this trick, please email me!) He says she probably spent a day on it, that she looked at my page every day, saw my broken heart post & became obsessed with me. “I can assure you that my marriage will not last forever” Because they’re both lying to each other! FUCKING HELL… I keep denying it because it’s fucking bullshit but he says that she showed him how she did it, but conveniently he can’t remember what she did. I find her on Facebook immediately & block her & then him. Fuck that was hard looking them up! I can’t even look them up yet she’s stalking my page daily with some trick to see all my photos… Now I know that this isn’t true & I’ll tell you why – I posted once, only once on my Facebook wall when I created this blog, to get my friends to like the page & read too. IF she had this special trick, she would know about this blog, I know she wouldn’t keep it a secret from him, she probably wouldn’t be with him still knowing the whole story & he definitely would know about it too & wouldn’t be talking to me now because he’d probably hate my guts for writing about us & ruining his relationship! So I call bullshit! I ask if he’s ok with her stalking me daily & he says “I’m the one that had an affair .. What say do I have” OMG. Is he serious?! Just tell her to fucking stop or block my profile on her phone when she’s not looking, fucking hell he’s a dickhead sometimes. He says that he reckons they’ll break up when the kids are in high school – I can’t help but think about what type of life either of them & their kids are having when she brings me up daily.

But then he says “Might have to pull out of today” & I start shaking… I knew it… FUCK. “My partner is in super look out today. Or push it back later so it doesn’t look suss” OMG. I snap & tell him not to pull out now, I’m about to fucking leave to meet him. “My partner is in overdrive today ffs.” I tell him to just go to the gym near his work & he says that he’s already been to the gym & she’s noticed that he’s done that differently today than usual. He says she got angry because he didn’t reply when he was in the shower. OMG, so he has to shower at certain times of day on the days he works late or she gets angry?! “Your name comes up daily she doesn’t let me forget you I assure you …” I am fucking fuming that he is bailing now. He says that he can meet me still but at 12:00 pm, not 11:00 am, he sends me a screenshot of her texts to him – I’m not sure why, I assume to prove whats happening, she sends a lot in a row “I’m so fucking pissed off. I hate having a period, I hate cunts that call in sick cos they are lazy. My fucking head is pounding and my neck is killing me. Wat r u doing. I’m having a meltdown” Yeah I can see that… FUCK. He says that he’s in the shower, she replies “Y. R U being dodgy” OMG. I know he cheated on her but fucking hell, he’s at home, she can track him – obviously she is so knows he’s at home… He tells her that he just finished at the gym “That wasn’t long. U masturbate too. I’m in a foul mood. I have a headache. I want maccas.” He says that she just pinged his phone too (I don’t really know what that means & I don’t ask), to see where he is?! OH HOLY FUCK. This is next level, why do either of them want to live like this!? He says that she didn’t think that she would be watching so closely today, that the leash is tight. “I’ll still meet you at 12. How’s that for having a go at my jerking off too lol…” I ask why he’s not allowed to jerk off & he says because he doesn’t want sex as much when he does, but she also uses her vibes on her days off & when he works late but he says nothing – yeah TMI Silverlining, thanks… I try to give him an alibi for why he would be at work early, but he’s freaking out now & I highly doubt we’ll meet.

He says she’s in crazy mode today that they have good days & bad days, but I come up almost daily. I ask why either of them stay & he says “Kids. We do love each other.” I can’t help my reply “What a happy environment.” I know I am not going to see him today & he’s being a fuck wit. “I do love my partner just like love you. May not be on the same level and connection but yeah” NO, NO, NO. I am angry “You do not love me the same way as you love her.” FUCK NO he doesn’t. I tell him that neither of them are in love at all, she just doesn’t want me to have him & so she makes him suffer & he allows it. He says that she’s forgiven him but will never forgive me. AGAIN, why the fuck does she have to forgive me for? I didn’t have a commitment to her – have kids with her, tell her that I love her then lied to her daily for over a year while I fell in love with someone else, how can she even care about me!? I am fucking pissed at this conversation & then it happens…

“Okay. I’m really sorry #IBD4U. But her work just rang me to pick her up. She thinks about you daily… Says your name daily. Has even asked 3 times this week if I’m chatting to your or emailing. It’s like she sensed it. I didn’t mean to make you feel stupid today. I’m terrible sorry.” I don’t reply, I just sit there staring at it. He sends“Probably ghost me now …” I wish I could do that, then he sends “Thursday lunch ?” I ignore his messages & message Motocross to have lunch with me but he can’t meet me as his with his mechanic apparently.

Ironically Silverlining’s partner ‘hates cunts who call in sick cos they’re lazy’ & now she’s going home sick because she doesn’t trust her partner… OMG…. I snap… “What can I say? Like really what can I say? I skipped gym this morning – actually ate something too then I’m sitting here dressed, looking super cute (even stupidly am wearing lingerie.) & ready to meet my ex boyfriend who I’m still in love with for lunch & he bails… Don’t’ make promises you can’t keep. We’ll just play it by ear” His replies come quickly. “Fuck super cute and lingerie … It was a pretty certain thing … This just came up … Your not going to believe me but yeah. Good bye for then. For now.” I am so heartbroken… I reply “Was never going to fuck you. I don’t have any condoms. But wore it in case you saw it. Hope she’s ok. Bye” He replies “I didn’t intend on fucking you … Why would I see it. Bye” I don’t reply but he sends about 40 minutes later “So I just got to her work and they have taken her to hospital. You can’t make this shit up hey.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I can’t look at the app anymore. I am so fucking hurt. So gutted. So stupid. I know it’s not his fault at what has happened today, I know that this is what I’m in for when I started chatting to him again too, I know that she’s still in the background – apparently for another 10 years till the kids are in high school, but I didn’t think I would feel so foolish ever again… & yet here I am, all dressed up & no where to go!

FUCK.

#IBD4U

We’re all hanging here! I know… I am barely breathing. I ask what, what the fuck could he possibly want to ask me, in the few seconds that it takes for him to respond, I have a million thoughts, mostly about him leaving her & wanting to make a go of it with me, with my heart beating so fast, waiting for his question, when it finally pops up it says “Have you eaten breakfast loser ?” I literally burst out laughing, a sigh of relief, almost spitting out my breakfast & so I send him a picture of the protein shake I’m drinking. I say I drank half & he says “Drink all of it fuck head.” I say “yes sir” & he says “good girl” & I can’t help but smile like a tool. It’s just like old times.

He says something about his protein shake & I say I always drank his protein shot like a good girl or let him rub it into my tits, I remind him that I used to wear it all day long. He says that he misses that so much & asks how many guys I’ve let cum on my face since him. When he asks stuff like this, I wonder if he actually knows me at all, I mean he knows how long it took me to do it with him, he knows he was the first guy I ever allowed to do that to me too, so when I tell him zero & he says bullshit. I do wonder how he thinks he knew me better than I knew him, when he thinks that shit about me. He knows that I always said that I never let random guys get the best of me. Only one guy since him has been allowed to fuck me in the ass. I have fucked a lot of guys but I definitely don’t let them cum on my face!

I tell him that I never used to like cum on me at all but his reaction to it, made me love it, I wanted to please him & I loved that look he gave me when he rubbed it into my tits or saw it on my face. Not that he came on my face a lot.

We get back on to the subject about him avoiding me, avoiding my fetlife account & avoiding anything on the anonymous app that he thought was me, he says that it was fun being strangers but he had a hunch fairly early on & was wondering how he was going to reveal himself to me “Was gonna be like you’re #IBD4U Surname and your street name which I see every fucking day on the way to work” OMG, I always wondered if he noticed that my street name is on a sign on his way to work, it would be hard not to notice it as it’s a giant sign but I never thought that he would notice that, didn’t think he’d notice it weekly, let alone daily. I think that is so fucking adorable. He continues that he knew I was wasn’t dumb, I knew his timetable but then I played dumb when he tried to reveal himself & he freaked out that I didn’t know. I say that I wondered if he ever paid attention to the street name or even when he sees cheezels. He says that he noticed the street name every fucking day. He says that I got angry at being cat fished but I was cat fishing him. I did not cat fish him at all, I was 100% me at all times. I changed a few details & didn’t disclose everything but I was 100% myself.

I tell him that I was desperate to message him on his birthday this year, but I didn’t. He says that he doesn’t remember any birthdays or his kids, so he doesn’t know mine but he says it’s really sweet that I wanted to message him & says that I must really love him… Well Durh! I did also think of his daughter on her first birthday & wondered what they were doing for it. I saw her at the show & say that she super cute. His replies come so quickly that I am smiling the whole time “She’s fucking adorable. Omg she’s sooooo cute. She’s daddy’s little girl now lol. I fucking love her so much. She’s a sassy little bitch with attitude sometimes tho”  I tell him that he is fucking adorable & he replies “ok I’m not adorable. I don’t do adorable”  OMG I want to hug him! FUCK. That is so cute. Him as a dad is literally the cutest thing ever. “I’m manly and cool and stuff okay. Silverlining and adorable don’t go in the same sentence.”

When he says “Important question time because I’m legit worried about you”  I know that it’s probably going to be about me eating “Have you eaten some lunch ?” Fuck I love him… FUCK FUCK FUCK. He tells me not to lie to him & I have eaten something small however I’m at work on my holidays fixing up some stuff so I am not in a frame of mind to be eating. I tell him not to worry, I’m still fat – although I remember when Motocross said something about my weight & said that I weighed 68kgs, I forget why we were talking about weight but I love that Motocross thinks I’m that small. I wish! I tell Silverlining that I still have at least 10kgs to lose & his quick replies again catch me off guard “No you don’t. You look fine how you are. I found you incredibly hot when I was with you. You don’t need to lose anymore. I want you to do me a favour. Don’t look at the scales again. Stop looking at your scales. You were beautiful the way you were before. And if you have lost more weight , are fitter and smaller. Your even more beautiful now.” OMFG Why am I not with this guy!?

I send him some pictures & he says that I look stunning. Never have I heard him call me stunning – maybe he did once or twice before. He’s not said beautiful much, but he has a few times… But I don’t think he’s ever said stunning. I send some more pictures & he says that some guys got lucky those nights. However every single picture I send him, I went home alone. He says that the doesn’t believe me. “Like I said, I’m not as amazing as you seem to think…”  He says that he thinks I’m amazing. FUCK. Then I realise that he actively sought out the song to listen to this morning & say how fucking cute that is, but he tries to deny it.  (OMG our conversations jump all over the place! Hahaha)

When he says that he wants to know who catfished him on the anonymous app ages ago, I can’t help but think not this old chestnut. I mean it’s an anonymous app, I don’t know how anyone could seek him out to catfish him on purpose. I can’t even listen to him blame me again for doing that when I didn’t, but if he was so suspicious of the woman, why did he give his partners account to her to chat to too?! He says that he never told his partner about the anonymous app, that she doesn’t know about it at all because it wasn’t part of his affair with me… OMG another lie by omission! He keeps telling me who he suspects it was, but it was no one I know – no one told me anyway. Our relationship, now in my experience after sharing with you guys especially from your comments & messages, that it was not uncommon. ‘Married man falls for mistress, wife finds out but husband stays with wife & leaves mistress hurt.’ So if someone else had a similar experience, then he just happened to find them to discuss it with, it was just a coincidence. Or maybe a friend of mine, but no one ever confessed to it.  I mean all the things his partner was saying about me on the chat app was getting back to me, she told so many people so many things. So I am not surprised that he felt like I was catfishing him. However, for the record, I did not. Anytime I’ve wanted to talk to him, I have used my own profile, I wouldn’t try to be someone else. I always told him that if I wanted to find something out, I knew where she worked, I would just walk into her work & talk to her or I just asked him. But I am not going to pretend to be someone else on an app to get information. I was getting it readily from random people anyway for free, I didn’t need to go to the trouble of making fake accounts & stalking the anonymous app waiting for him to post.

He says that he listened to the song because of me – see our conversation jumping around, which he says just as I say that I’ll let it go, but he says fuck you because he already replied before I said I’d let it go. I cheekily add “You can fuck me..” but he says “Your seeing someone you can’t make that offer to me lol.” Well that’s a bit rich, isn’t it? “Says the partnered man who fucked me for a year!”  He can’t deny that “Oops. It’s your fault!” Bahaha, not the fuck is that my fault. “You tempted me too much. Your tempting me already ffs”  I know he’s joking so I say that it’s not my fault that he had soooo many women lined up. “Yeah but one pushed me over the edge and i actually did it. Organized a way to see her .. Weekly too … The last thing we should do is fuck… That would be soooo unhealthy. I won’t deny that I wanted to this morning. I knew my partner was distracted , I got stuck with kid drop off  so only had 20 mins at the gym , which isn’t worth it. Lol” OMG so he’s thinking about ways to see me!? I say that I want to see him again, maybe if we just meet for lunch. He asks when I am on holidays, I say that I’m already on holidays but don’t fly out for another week. He says “I’m on a tight leash these days …” I literally laugh “I’m well aware of that, I didn’t ask you to go to QLD. I just asked to see you for lunch” He says that he could do tomorrow or when I say Thursday he says that he has his daughter all day. It’s Tuesday tomorrow so I know he works late, he says that we could meet before work, at like 11:00 am. He suggests that we could do it at my local shops because he can get a hair cut or that we can just do lunch near his work. I think a place near his work where no one would see us that we know, would be better. There are too many people that could see us at the local shopping centre. Even though he’s planning where to meet me, he says “I think it’s a baddddddd idea.” However he is planning it & thinking about it. He tells me that we’ll meet at hungry jacks (Burger king for out of towners) at 11:00 am. I laugh my head off, of all the places close to this work, cafes & everything, he picks fucking hungry jacks! I ask why & he says that it was the unsexiest place he could think of. He says that he has to go now, but asks when I’m back from Qld, which I am there a week so he says he had an idea for Sunday but that won’t work, being I’ll be away. He says that this is a bad idea- yet again, yet he fucking is planning when he can see me!  He says the idea was a badddd idea for Sunday, I suggest he calls in sick & he says don’t tempt me. I say lets just settle on a lunch for now & we say good bye. I can’t bring myself to write love you so I send the heart with 3 kisses. He does the same back & he’s gone.

FUCK! I want to meet him, I want to see him… But fuck he’s right, this is a bad idea… This is not wise but I can’t resist. I never could resist him & the fact that I know he’s thinking of different ways to see me, just spurs me on, making me want it more too. I can’t believe that I am going to see him face to face tomorrow – after a year. I am so excited, nervous & apprehensive about seeing him, but I know as stupid as it is, but I need to do it!

#IBD4U