Silverlining says that I know him so well & I say that he probably can’t list 5 things about me, I mean I feel like sometimes he doesn’t know me at all… I’m surprised when his list of 5 comes through about me, slowly but surely he sends each number through to me as a separate message & I see why it takes a long time between messages, I don’t interrupt him because I want & need to hear this from him… (spelling mistakes & all!)
- Your funny , you have a similar sense of Humour to me that is a little bit dad jokey, a little bit cheeky, a lot sarcastic , all rolled into one package.
*Shrugs* probably why you find me funny.
- You by far are the sexiest woman I have ever fucked in my entire life . The things you did for me , omfg . You made my dreams come true … my 14 year old pubescent dreams, my 35 year old man dreams, anything I wanted I got plus more . You are so fucking amazing in bed, so talented and so fucking sexy.
Just saying that made me hard …
- Your smart. Your not a dumb bimbo, you can think for yourself , you can fend for yourself, you’re a smart independent woman . I can actually have an intelligent conversation, I think your smarter than me , but unfortunately for you I can also see when your being dumb too.
- You have always done the right thing by me . Your very loyal . You kept your word and we became exclusive in our situation . You didn’t go crazy and destroy my marriage when you could of . You are a fucking amazing friend , I hope you friends truly know what kind of person you are and appreciate you for what you are . I know you’re the type of person who will do anything for your friends.
- Your honesty . It’s no secret , it’s one you have for me , and one that goes way back . We have always been super honest to other . Your naturally an over sharer which helps ! But I secretly love it . it caught my attention , it still captures my attention lol.
We have a very honest friendship , apart from that tiny little thing we wanna say.
Well HOLY FUCK!! I’m so surpised by this. He can still surprise me. I was expecting him to write no more than about 5 or 6 words – Sexy, Funny, Honest, Hot & good in bed. Not be that descriptive. I tell him to stop & he tells me that I should just take the compliment. Well to be honest, it’s not like he or any other guy gives me that many compliments, I struggle with taking compliments, even from my friends – let alone the man I love. I re read this list about 20 times. This is everything.
“But apparently I just used you for sex according to the masses” Well my mum was really the only one who planted that idea in my head but I did wonder sometimes. “But I’ll admit , you were my dirty little slut.” I tell him that he made a lot of my fantasies come true too & that I had so many firsts with him, he says bullshit to the firsts but that I deserve to live out my fantasies, so he’s glad he got to do them with me too. I start another lists of first I had with him
- I’d never tied myself up for someone before…
- Never made love
- Never been in love
- Never done anal in a car
- Never fucked in a carwash,
- Never fucked at a train station – He adds being tied up with cable ties
- Never had cum on my face
- Never fucked in an office before being tied with a usb cord
- Never wore lingerie for anyone before
- Never gave a guy my panties to keep
He adds cumming at the same time, which he didn’t think was possible & the stuff out of pure erotic fiction, according to him. I didn’t think it was possible but we were so in tune with each other that we were able too, not often, I will admit, but we did it a couple of times. I’m on a roll with firsts
- I never looked at a guy before you during sex
- I’ve never begged a guy to fuck my ass
- Never used a vibe in front of a guy before
- Never let a guy video me before or take pictures during sex
He gets on to the topic of how many guys I’ve fucked since him he keeps asking, his number is up to 21 & he says that it’s a compliment that I had to sleep with 21 guys to get over him, he says that he assumes that I fucked Max since him, which I haven’t really, he wouldn’t put on a condom so we didn’t have sex, but I’ve seen him. I tell Silverlining that I don’t want to tell him this stuff & he says ”I’ve made my bed and have to live in it” at least that’s true! I finally tell him that I’ve been with 26 guys & 1 woman since we ended a year ago… JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! First, why did I tell him & second, holy hell I’ve fucked a few too many people! I don’t know why I told him but he kept asking, then he tells me that the 3sum with his partner was shit, he had to take full control & tell the guy what to do, that he came really quickly too. I tell him that I went to a couple of play parties & swingers events but it wasn’t for me, I didn’t really enjoy it to be honest & haven’t been back since. I remind him that he refused to have a MFM with me but did it with his wife & he says that he didn’t say no to me, which is bullshit, it was never going to happen he was always to conscious about his cock, but I do remember looking for a few different guys. I stupidly tell him that I’ve been to maslins beach too, I hate that I tell him anything because he acts like a fucking wanker saying that I am kinky & I need it, that he’s not kinky that he would never go to the beach or a swingers party & just like rope, he makes me feel like shit about things I have done since being with him… Just like his partner does to him about his hobbies. When I say I’ve been to a swingers party he says “Ewww I’m going to have to glen 20 my lips now” I hate him when he is like this… I guess being with a woman for over 10 years that puts down everything you do, you start to do it to people too…
I remind him that I am STI free & ask how many he has? I am fucking angry when he is like this. I am almost certain that his partner has been cheating on him, how else does she randomly get an STI in her 30’s?! If I didn’t have it, Silverlining didn’t have it, Crows, Max & Sweetie didn’t have it… Where did she get it?! Anyway that’s not my business, nor do I care. He says that she’s had it for years & it’s something that develops, he says that he just sprayed his mouth with Glen 20 & says it takes like shit. “Good, I hope you choke on it!” He knows how to push my buttons “I can’t believe you live with someone with an STI & give me shit about being dirty… Fuck you are an asshole sometimes…” He says he’s joking but he should know how this feels. He says that the 3sum they had the guy came really quickly & had on a condom. “The mind boggles” & I laugh… Fuck he’s so annoying… He tells me that she always got my “sloppy seconds” when he did fuck her, he’d usually have fucked me before. OMG.
He tells me to calm down, he’s clean & I’m immunised, however he’s still fucking her without a condom obviously!? He tells me to stop wasting my love on a douche, that he’s the biggest one & then says that he thinks I like his douche side, which I do it turns me on he tells me that I’m fucked in the head, which I know. I mean Jesus I’m still chatting to him after what happened between us so yeah I know that I am not right in the head. I say that I enjoy our banter but that we can fight & still keep chatting, that if he was here, I would probably be bent over the kitchen counter. He agrees & says not to make him hard.
He says “You used to be my slut. Now your everyones” Fuck he’s a cunt. “Yeah… I was… No amount of dick has every replaced the way yours made me feel…” I fucking hate him right now. “Good come back. I’m a complete douche and your still nice.” I know it’s like his little test for me, like the lyrics of one of his favourite bands “I push you away until you beg me to stay just for the thrill of the chase” He says that he avoided me, didn’t stalk me at all in fear of finding out that I was happy & in love with some buff cool guy, that when I was a stranger to him on the app he realised that I was still in love with him. I tell him that I was trying not to think about the crazy sex they were having so I was trying to fill a void by fucking so many men, but he says that his sex is a lot calmer now & gone back to how it was though she sometimes encourages his dom side. I never had to encourage it, he just did it with me… I wonder if either of them ever think about that?!
He changes the subject knowing I am getting angry & asks about my work, I have told him before in earlier conversations that things have changed for me & he asks what. I say that we’re going through a merger, I’ve been moved teams without being consulted & I say while I absolutely love my job, it’s harder & harder to do it everyday because the environment & micromanagement. Also that what I had been working towards for the last 5 years in my job had been taken away from me, that I feel worthless. He says he’s freaking out about what he’s going to do next, that he’s just un-enrolled in uni & I say that I dropped out too last year. He keeps pressuring me to tell him what happened at my work, he says that he’s so scared & that his mum has messaged him to tell him it’s a good package & that he should leave his job but he’s so scared. He tells me not to leave my job, which I have no plans too, I love what I do but I had goals I was working towards & so I am worried about my future. I spill the whole story, which I won’t bore you all with but he says “So they don’t think highly of you ? And there trying to make you unhappy & leave ?” Yeah even he gets it.
We get on the topic of me travelling for work & how grumpy I would get at him if I didn’t get sex “I swear to god if you went one week without sex you were the grumpiest bitch ever” I laugh, I remember being grumpy when he didn’t find time to fuck me.
I tell him that I am eating & he says “Good look after yourself” I tell him that I am very aware that I have an eating disorder due to the stressors at work, that I discuss it with my psychologist all the time. He says that his eating disorder is the opposite to mine, he says he eats his feelings. I used to eat shit, but never ate a lot but somehow I was over 100kgs when I turned 30, but I’m hoping that being on three weeks holidays I can get back into a normal eating cycle, with a week away in Brisbane. He says that he’s stressed too & pissed off I noticed him shaking yesterday at lunch, I was shaking too, he says that he was so nervous & that it’s weird to be nervous around me. I agree, I mean this guy knows almost everything about me, has seen every inch of me, had touched every part of me & yet we were nervous. Then he catches me off guard.. “I wish we could of dated…” FUCK.
Fuck I wish I got to date him too. I mean I always wanted too, we did get a few dates but nothing like I would have wanted to do with him, movies & dinners… But I tell him I’ve been wet all day chatting to him & he says that he’s hard & sends me a picture as proof, as if I need it because I know he would be hard if he tells me he is. He says he wish he felt how wet I was when we met, that he was hoping to finger me but was definitely not going to fuck me. “Stop encouraging this, We can’t fuck! We just friends biatch.” Then he tells me he freaked out about my perfume because it was strong, but it was just normal & he says that he doesn’t normally get this hard this often. “Should of come over and fucked me today dammit” JESUS! I thought he just said we aren’t having sex!!! He says that it’s his day off & his daughter sleeps from about 11:30 am to 2:30 pm, so he could have a couple of hours with me… OMFG! Would I go? To his house… Again?!
I say that we could control ourselves but he says that we can’t. I am desperate to see him again, I am dying to feel his hands on me to be honest, I am pissed off that I didn’t touch him more at hungry jacks, even innocent touches. I tell him I have a little fantasy that I think about a lot when I cum he says to please share “I’m tied up… Usually wrists to ankles, with the vibe on my clit, nipple clamps on, the vibe set to the prick setting making me dripping wet… I keep begging you to cum but you just watch & tell me not to move but I keep moving so you slap my face. Then grab it roughly & tell me to do as I’m told so I lay still, like a good girl till I’m begging you to cum again… Which is when you slip your cock in, choke me & make me cum on your cock.” He says that it’s very hot fantasy & he loves it. I remind him of the one & only time he slapped me across the face consensually during sex, he ripped off the body stocking I was wearing, choked me with it then slapped my face, I loved it… “I trusted you with everything. You could’ve done anything to me.” he says that he knows. He says that he’s so hard & we sext for a bit longer before he has to go to school pick up. He says “Your lucky I don’t come over and rape you” & I know that he can’t but fuck I want him so badly…
We talk about all our videos & gifs & pictures, he said that he lost them recently with the calculator app when he got a new phone. I tell him that I have them all on USB, well my sister has it all. He asks why & I know he knows, I tell him that I was prepared to be hurt by his partner “I have no doubt she would of killed you if she went to you …. She got close to stabbing me lol” Ummmm, how is that funny?! He says that he held a knife, a piece of mirror & a bottle at him then night she found out about me. FUCK me… Really?! He says he never admitted to her about me going to their house & I say “At least she can feel safe in her house” not like me, who’s installed security cameras & told my neighbours to watch out for her car.
He then kind of turns all the stuff of me being kinky or liking rope, going to swingers parties & maslins & uses it against him & how he’s not cool & wouldn’t do that stuff. I snap & remind him that I didn’t have sex for months after we ended, he then comes back online with a matching account to her in an open relationship, telling me how hot his sex life is that I snapped & went out to fuck anything & everything I could. Trying to find a connection like I had with him… He says “I’m just giving you shit out of jealousy” which I know but he’s a dick when he does, I know him so well, he says that he wouldn’t have gone with me if I asked & he would have stopped me from going if we were together, but well, we probably didn’t need to go to a party being our sex life is so hot but if I asked, he would have gone with me. He says that I don’t know him that well if I think that… Well maybe not? We have a fight over who is the biggest loser, not of weight but who is the biggest loser in life, I think I am winning being he thinks everything I do is stupid… He says a very quick abrupt good bye “Gotta go, chat later. Love you you loser” OMG, he’s said it today. I say that I love him back & he’s gone! I lay down to have a nap…
I wake up & stupidly check the app, I have told him that I want to use the chat app with him so I can get notifications cos it’s annoying looking at this app constantly waiting for his messages… I sit bolt upright when I read his latest line of messages “I was hoping for a better goodbye but tried to warn you ! This isn’t healthy though #IBD4U , I think you falling more for me the more we talk again and catch up ! But you are so much better than you’ll ever know , be proud of who you and what you have achieved! I honestly think it’s cool you went to swingers parties actually jealous I’d never have the confidence to do it. Your not a loser and fucking amazing x. Love stupidly always. Silverlining”
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Is he going to ghost me?