Boyfriend #3

Boyfriend & I had been “seeing” each other for a few weeks, messaging & seeing each other, not really knowing where we’re at or what we’re doing, but he asked me to his house to cook me dinner. No guy had ever cooked me dinner. I remember the store manager of our store laughing his head off when he asked what he made for me – toasties. Boyfriend only had one dish he ever made, which was a satay chicken noodles, I don’t remember him cooking anything other than that or a BBQ in the whole time we were together.

At a new years eve party the same friend that snatched my phone to text him on my behalf asks me what were doing, implying are e boyfriend/girlfriend. I say I don’t know we haven’t had the talk. So she decides to ask him. Rightio! He says I’m his girlfriend & when she tells me, I can’t wipe the smile off my face. However weirdly he & I never talk about it. We’re just a couple from then on.

That’s also the first night he stays at my house. I remember it because he’s the first guy to ever stay over at my house, in my bed. But I get up really early to sneak him out being I haven’t asked my parents or even told them – my parents are pretty cool but not sure about having boys over. But my dad is a early riser & is up playing the computer, fuck! I have to introduce him to dad at 5:00 am. I remember dads first words to him were “your mother will be angry she didn’t get to meet him” righto dad! Hahaha.

Shortly into the new year, boyfriend tells me that he’s moving house as he’s been kicked out of his unit & he’s moving in with friends to save money. Ok so a share house isn’t too bad. But when I ask who, it takes him ages to tell me that it’s his ex girlfriend. Right so my new boyfriend is moving in with his ex, who I’m pretty sure is still in love with him. I’m not happy but what can I do? I mean we’ve only been together officially for a short time & I certainly don’t want to live with him so I don’t say much.

It’s all pretty uneventful from what I remember, I realise that his ex girlfriend does still love him, even though she has a boyfriend. & his sister who I thought liked me seems to hate me. I pester him to buy a new bedroom suite, as we’ve been sleeping on a mattress on the floor. But it’s a pretty normal, boring relationship. (if I was writing at the time, I may have loads of blog posts but it was over 12 years ago now.)

Around my birthday my uncle was planning his wedding in Vietnam, of course I jump at the chance to go to Vietnam & ask Boyfriend to come too. I find it super cute when he goes out & buys the same RipCurl bag that I have so we’re matching, without me knowing. We fly out on my birthday, Boyfriend says that he’s planned something for when I get back but for now the trip is my present (The trip I paid for myself & he paid for himself?! Yeah ok) I never get a present from him that year & the next year we’ve bought our house & he buys me slippers & a fruit bowl… Men wonder why women change when they settled down, he was making me an old lady. Who buys a 25 year old slippers & a fruit bowl? Hahaha.

Anyway when we were in Vietnam, right after we have afternoon sex, I tell him that I think I love him & he says “yeah I think maybe I do too.” I get up & cry in the bathroom thinking I’m an idiot for saying it & that I’m unlovable.

We get back from Vietnam, something happens, we snap & almost break up, probably due to the L word infesting the relationship. I remember meeting him at a lookout park during the day & he leaves me there when he says we’re over. I cry & message him to go to his house, which I do & we work through it. Weirdly, that’s also the first day I meet his parents. (they live out in the country, not in Adelaide)

Next Christmas & new years come, he’s still living with the ex, though cracks are starting to show. Before the lease is up, she moves out seemly because she’s not going to win him back like she thought she might. I don’t know why. But she takes the fridge & washing machine, which we’re hers so I use the money I was saving for my working holiday to Canada to buy a fridge & a washing machine for us at his place. Yet I never officially move in with him.

#IBD4U

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Origin #4

I wait all day for the text to say that Origin is sick or something has come up, so when I hear from him at midday, I almost don’t want to open the text when I see his name come up. But he just asks how my night was & we chat for a bit. Later around 4:00 pm I expect that I’m going to get the I’m busy text when his name comes up again, but he asks me what time I want him to come over. Why am I so quick to think he wants to cancel even though we’ve now caught up three times & he’s still talking to me on a daily basis so what is it? Is it because I’ve been on so many bad dates already that I’m so jaded, plus this guy has been sick & also cancelled on me.

But when he comes over, he’s so complimentary about how I look, what I’m wearing, what my house looks like, it’s weird for me but I lap it up. I’ve never had a guy tell me how much he likes the way I look, especially since this is only our fourth date.

We go grab some dinner from a local Chinese shop & crack open wine bottle after wine bottle. We sit watching Netflix before he kisses me & we have sex. Like a lot of sex, we use five condoms & he makes me feel really good, although after three bottles of wine I can’t really remember it all, which is a shame, it was really good. I was so sore the next day. Perhaps I need to stop drinking when I have sex.

He leaves my house about 1:30 am but texts me when he gets home (again! Cute!) to say he had a good time, I’d already passed out so we text in the morning & text a bit, he did say the night before that he wanted to bring me coffee in the morning but he didn’t. He texts during the day to say that he wants to ‘pop around.’ About 1:30 pm he comes over & we just cuddle on the couch watching Netflix (I get him addicted to Downtown Abbey), it is so nice, I’ve never just cuddled & had someone put their hand up my shirt & tickle my skin, we do have some hot quick sex, using the sixth condom for the weekend & I say I should buy some more, he agrees & laughs.

While he was at my house on Sunday afternoon, he cleaned up a spider that I killed but was unable to vacuum because it wasn’t charged & I didn’t want to get the big one out, so he got a tissue without being asked & cleaned it up knowing how arachnophobic I am. It was so sweet, it actually made me like him more & at this point I was thinking he was liking me more, now I think we’re on par with each other.

We text later that day, he says “I had a super weekend, it was heaps of fun, I think you’re a rad chick” this is my time to put myself out there a bit & tell him that I had a great time & that I love that he makes me laugh. We say goodnight & he says “night sexy.” OMG I am getting attached to this guy already, it’s only been 3 weeks! People say all the time that things can happen quickly, I just never thought it could happen for me! I actually start deleting my other online profiles (I think I had five on the go at the time, so I just delete the more obscure ones!)

Origin #4

The next day about 2:00 pm he asks how my day is going, we chat for a bit, well all night really, about how much he’s thought about Downton Abbey (which I guess means he’s thinking about being with me while watching it). He abruptly stops talking to me so I assume he’s fallen asleep; I try to stay reserved so I don’t text him the next day but at about 5:00 pm he texts to ask how my day is. He says that he’s sick again with a sore throat (I have no reason to doubt the sore throat thing but I am also not sure that someone can have a sore throat so many times in three weeks, although he hasn’t seemed to rest at all since he got sick.) He agrees says that three bottles of wine & up all night having sex hasn’t helped him get better but he said it was fucking awesome though.

We text again later in the day, he’s now got a sore rib too, so I ask how he is & what he’s up too, we chat for hours via text & it’s so easy & when we have nothing to say he still finds a way to text me something. He asks if I’m getting in the shower & says that he wants to join me which I say that I’d like that if he wasn’t sick & he says he’s looking forward to it.

#IBD4U

Guest Blogger: Rug

Another guest blogger has decided to share some stories with me too. I love that you are all not leaving me out here on my own! Thank you for that.

I like to post the ones that aren’t similar to any of my stories & this is definitely one of those!

-So Enjoy!

Rug

A few years ago I met this guy online, not on tinder, some other site I can’t remember. I’d consciously decided to try dating guys outside of my usual type… cos that hadn’t really been working out for me so well (hot, unemployed and practically homeless). So this guy had a job (tick), a house (tick) and was funny (tick), he was also pretty short and a bit squishy. We had good banter so we went on a few dates which went well.

At about date 4, I think, he invites me and my dog over for dinner. He can cook (tick) and he also has a dog (tick). Anyway, his dog is one of those rampant humpers and he went absolutely bananas over my dog, it was hilarious. My dog is a clueless asexual galloot and is just running around like a loon with his hornbag dog in hot pursuit.

My belly was sore from laughing (not just at the dogs) so we, the humans, retired inside with a glass of wine on the couch and he makes a really cheesy manoeuvre for a first kiss (think yawn and stretch), it’s nice and we progress to his bedroom. He is a bit of a watcher so he starts playing with himself while I get naked and we’re fooling around and it’s fun. We start the old P in V action and then he screams, really screams, in agony, I try to work out what’s wrong and he advises he’s got a detached or travelling ball which has decided to jump up into his body cavity not in the cosy scrotum where it should be, he insists on continuing and doesn’t withdraw but continues grimacing. Bit of a masochist maybe.

Anyway, I clamber off after bit and just play with his cock until his ball resumes a better location. We start again and I’m grabbing his arse to pull him in hard and then in the moment I grabbed his hair gently to push his head up. He freaks out and grabs his head and runs to the bathroom. I’m completely confused and it turns out I had dislodged his toupee/hair piece thing that I didn’t know wasn’t real hair. (I don’t need my eyes checked, it was really good, completely real looking).

Rug

He’s totally soft at this point and embarrassed and returns with a beanie on his head and turns the lamp off. I ask him about the hair trying to reassure him that being bald is fine and he tells me he had an accident when he was younger and he got partially scalped and there’s some ugly scarring. I figure that’s fair enough but my bullshit detector is ringing a bit, but who knows! He’s feeling pretty vulnerable so we end up getting back into it and he finishes with the beanie in place and my hands firmly pinned to the bed.

Funniest, weirdest most awkward interlude I’d had for a while…
I think we had one more date, I spent half of it looking at his hair when he wasn’t looking. The hair wasn’t the killer for me though he had some other quirks I wasn’t too keen on, so that was that!

WOW, I don’t think I’ll be able to not look at guys hair now & wonder!

#IBD4U

Clichès

After dating for more than a decade with a few peaks & troughs, many of my friends, particularly the ones in relationships, love a good ol Clichè. It’s also very interesting how when that person says a clichè to you, they use some sort of  hand gesture & act like that is the first time those words have ever been spoken to another human being. Like dude, you are not the Dali Lama.

So here’s a list of what NOT to say to someone dating or someone recently single:

  • It’ll happen when you least expect it!
  • He’s just around the corner!
  • There’s plenty more fish in the sea!
  • Any guy would be lucky to have you!
  • He won’t come knocking on your door, get out there & meet people!
  • You have to put yourself out there!
  • How are you still single?
  • The grass isn’t always greener in a relationship!
  • You’re too fussy/picky!
  • Your time will come!

OMG, if I hear any of those things again, it will be too soon!

Cliches

You know I had a great aunty, who was my god mother. She recently passed away & she never married & had kids. I often wonder if I am her of my generation. She once told me that she fell in love with someone who was married I believe & he broke her heart. She never recovered. I remember when things ended with Boyfriend, she told me not to become like her. Now almost 12 years later, I am still single & wondering if I am too damaged for a real relationship?

Lets be honest, there is nothing you can say in the situation so I get why people use clichès etc, but please just stop. I think I’d rather people just listen & say nothing that tell me that I have to have faith.

Some advice I wish I wasn’t given too:

  • Give him a go
  • He might be waiting for your text/call
  • Stop looking & he will find you
  • Stop looking online, meet people organically, face to face

In my experience, if any of this was as easy as people say it is, then I wouldn’t be single. I get asked all the time why I’m single & I don’t know why. But my gut has always been right. When I haven’t got a text back from someone, it usually means they’re ghosting me. Not that they are waiting for me to message. There’s another clichè that if he isn’t messaging you back, he’s just not that into you!

I know my friends all mean well & I love them for it & I know that they just want the best for me to see me happy in a relationship, however, there are times when I just want to scream “WHY AM I SINGLE?!”

#IBD4U

Origin #3

I get home that night, stripping off & jumping in the shower, as every minute passes, I feel more & more like an idiot for fucking him too quickly. I look in the mirror & there are two big hickeys on either side of my neck. FUCKING great! -Let me just preface this by, I bruise so easily, so a light kiss can bring on a hickey for me.

The little pink light on my phone is flashing when I get out of the shower, that means text message, my heart stops. I unlock my phone & see his name. Origin’s text me, saying he had a good time & hopes I did but the movie is still confusing him. I tell him to go to bed & that I have hickeys which he apologises for but says it was such a turn on in the bedroom with how loud I was… OMG! (I didn’t think I was that loud, I’m always too self-conscious to be loud).

Origin #3

I go out for lunch with my friend the next day & as I’m telling her about him, he texts me just to see if I’m ok & how my neck is. Really, can someone be this sweet? It’s so weird for me! We text all afternoon, I send him a picture of my hickeys. We text about crap, mainly how big my bed is & how small my feet are (What?) but then he asks ‘Did you cum last night?’ The poor guy, I put him out of his misery & let him know that I did. He was pretty happy with himself!

He asks if I’m around town that next week which I am not really, but he’s vague also of telling me when his lunch break is so I couldn’t really plan another lunch date but I suggest weds night as that’s a night I don’t go to the gym which he says yeah that would work for him. I find out that I can meet him at work on Monday but he says he’s too busy, nothing to worry about, I guess. I end up having a super shit day at work & hope that we have some friendly banter over text while I drink some wine & have a bath but he doesn’t write back but I text him good night hours later when he says that he was asleep on the couch. I was asleep when I got that so I text him in the morning. We text again in the afternoon & I say that I am free on Wednesday night which he agrees, we don’t decide what to do but he seems excited like he needs something to cheer him up & I agree.

We talk about us having sex & I say that we should have shown some restraint, he doesn’t agree but he understands. I try to organise what we should do tomorrow night but he says that I should decide. But by midday the next day he’s going home from work sick, he’s apparently got the runs. I am supremely disappointed & it takes all my might to not write something bitchy back because this is now the second time he’s bailed on a date & also he’s now been sick more in the two weeks we’ve been talking than I’ve been sick all year. I finally respond saying ‘I’m sorry, I was looking forward to it but hope he feels better soon.’ He writes that he was massively looking forward to it, I decide to go to the gym instead since I missed another class earlier in the week.

While he’s sick he tries to set up a date for Friday night, I said that I’m going to a fundraiser dinner so I’m not free but I suggest that I am free to meet him for lunch on Friday afternoon, he doesn’t commit but says that’s good.

It’s about this time he somehow comes up at a ‘person I may know’ on Facebook. How does Facebook even know we know each other? I have a light stalk of his page & most of it is public. I check out his photo’s & see his ex-girlfriend & I kinda work out that they aren’t that long broken up, the last posts about the two of them are from about six months ago. Why am I even looking?!

We’d had a laugh though about the fact that I had to kill a spider (I’m really arachnophobic, like really really really phobic, can’t even look at spider pictures or see plastic ones) & when I spray them I then put the can of spray over them so I can vac up their corpse later. He says he hates spiders too which I say is not good for me, but he says he’ll man up when he has too. We also talk about tattoos & how he wants to get an arm sleeve; I tell him he would look good with a sleeve. I like those type of tattoos on the right person, he says he’s the black sheep because he is the only one is his family that has none, I am the black sheep because I’m the only on in my family with tattoos.

It gets to Friday we’ve text all week but I don’t hear from him till I text him first yet again but I’m stuck 40 mins out of the city at 12:30 pm so I don’t get to catch up with him for lunch. But we somehow lock in Saturday night to have take away dinner & a movie at my house. Let’s see if this date goes ahead!

#IBD4U

Jerk Off

I like this guy somehow after only chatting for a short time, I think he is respectful & sweet (despite the pseudonym that I chose!), we chatted about spooning but it never went more than that or became gross. The next day he didn’t chat to me when we were both online – you know my weirdo rule, but a few days later he did.

Lots of men will ask you to chat on other apps outside of the online dating app generally because they can send pics of themselves usually dick pics. Whenever they ask for my user name, I am always firm that I will not be sending pics of myself, they say “no of course, not nude ones, just other pics” I always say no. I hate that there are probably so many pics of me online as it is. I only have two on my online dating profile usually but I still hate it.

I shared my user name with Jerk Off & while I don’t regret it, I just can’t believe what some people will send you. On this app you can send pics that don’t last every long, we start chatting on that app, I get a dick pic in his boxers, then one erect & he of course asks me for a pic of my boobs. I decline & he talks a little dirty to me, I don’t really reciprocate but I ended up with a pic of him actually jerking off & cumming. Just what I want to see when I open my phone!

He had a very different cock than what I’ve seen before, his foreskin is really large, more than I ever seen before on an uncircumcised man, but that isn’t the deal breaker, it’s more that I’m not sure I’m that open minded to get a ejaculation video sent to me before I’ve even met the bloody guy in person!

I must be too nice because I don’t stop talking to him when he chats to me the next day on the ejaculation app (as I’ve named it!) & doesn’t really say much at all, I almost think what is the point. I actually hate that I liked this boy; I thought he was a good seed. I guess that’s the thing about online dating, is that you can never tell what the person is going to be like, until you see a video of them ejaculating onto a wooden chest.

I’d love to hear from guys who have done this or send dick pics & what is going through their mind, I don’t speak for all women but my friends & I agree that we don’t want a dick pic, if you are going to send us a pic, we want to see a sexy arm (not a beef cake steroid arm) but a sexy muscular arm or a nice calf, even a nice six pack, but not a cock – especially if we haven’t met you!

Jerk off

He chats to me & sends me pictures on the other app plus he talks to me on the dating site too but we don’t really ever say much besides he says ‘cutie’ & I send a blushing smiley face back. (What else is there to say?)

He chats to me every now & then asking ‘what are you up to gorgeous?’ & things like that, I generally always respond but I don’t think it’s ever going to be anything. In my experience, if someone sends you a dick pic then you are probably never going to meet them or want to meet them.

#IBD4U

Guest Blogger: Sex, Drugs & Rock N Roll

Another story for you from my guest blogger friend, I can’t say this has ever happened to me.

Sex, Drugs and Rock N Roll

(aka Woodwork Booty Call Weekend)


Ok.
So the title doesn’t sound great hey? It’s actually one my regrets in my single life… It isn’t indicative of who I am as a person.
On one hand, the guys would say “Fuck Yeah” and from a female point of view, typical bloke.
Just to be clear, no drugs, not much rock n roll, shit load of sex.
So this is in between “The One” and “the Animal” for those keeping up. And yes I’m going backwards…
So after “The one” had crushed my heart, I was in need of a weekend to forget about it for a bit, all my friends had other plans on my kids free weekend, so, stuff it… I’m a confident guy that can just do this shit himself, let’s get smashed and see what I can pick up (cause you know, random sex makes you feel better!)
So, it’s Friday afternoon, thinking of just hitting City, the Union possibly, maybe Hindley st, who knows, who cares!
Random messenger text… Now I know this happens to the girls a fair bit, generally not blokes… Message from BC2 (booty call 2)
Have not heard from BC2 for 6 months… last I heard she meet a guy not long after me….
“Hey! How are you? Thought of you the other day, and how long it’s been since we caught up. How’s things? Are you seeing anyone?”
So the explanation comes if not a great experience recently and that this weekend is all about me…
“Oh no…you need some cheering up, how about we do coffees tomorrow morning after gym?”
Yeah fuck it, why not, she’s fit, super hot, and well… the sex was great, and she’s a nice girl. Play my cards right…
“Done”
About a hour later….
“Hey!”
BC3… 9 months since I’ve seen her…
“Saturday catch up? Been ages”
“Yep, how does lunch sound?”
“Awesome see you then!”
Ok, BC3… running chick, own business, funny, attractive… fuck… might get two in a day…
In very quick succession (because I’ll condense all this!)
BC4
BC5
BC6
Sex Drugs & rock n roll

Similar messages, same reaction… stuff it, why not? The common theme here? All from 6 months to 12 months since we had been on a date… and sad to say, hadn’t worked out, yet after two three dates had slept with all of them. So you just never know, could come to something… yet ladies and gentleman, my mind was just on sex. Nothing else. And where was theirs? Well… you guessed it.
You may be asking where’s BC1? That’s coming!! (or did… anyway!)
So with a heap of dates set(?), the last three set for Saturday night, and Sunday Brunch and a Sunday afternoon drink… away we go. 5:00 pm hits, and into town I head…
Waymouth St. Beer and Vodka. Normal crowd building by 9:00 pm, chatting to some random people, couple I know, a few really pissed guys in suits… that’s keeping me entertained for sure.
9.30 pm… order a Vodka lime and soda…
A tall, blonde lady catches the eye… I know that girl?
Walks in with a guy… shit, that sucks.
Alcohol fuzziness eludes me of the name…
Uh huh! Got it! BC1…
Shit! Been 18 months at least… must be kid free… fuck it… have to say Hi, that one night… hot.
Wander over as she is standing at bar…
“Hey there Miss, can I buy you a drink? Grenache perhaps?”
OMG… get the biggest “Hey” I’ve ever had.. Awesome! In!
Pleasantries completed, drinks ordered, life story of last 18 months talked over…
Guy she was with kept trying to butt in, eventually introduced as a guy she meet down the road… yeah whatever.
Conversation continues, more drinks added.
“Cmon, come to the dance floor”
“What about the guy?”
“Oh my dear, you’re hotter, so shit your arse out there “
Uh huh! Bingo! Dressing well works! (By the way… he was in some weird cotton t-shirt that didn’t look like it had been washed at all, shit denim jeans and some really bad flip flop things… Chinos and shirt all the way!)
Ok… dancing… gets closer… then kissing… then hands moving freely…
More drinks
More dancing (by this time the guy had worked it out, and left)
BC1 “I’m ready to go home, no more for me”
“Ok, I’ll come out and wait for the taxi with you”
“Naaw, sweet”
Stumble out, bundle lovely lady into a taxi… not gracefully mind you, and considering she had a one piece black, shirt dress on and heels, didn’t leave a great deal to imagination when she couldn’t get in!
“Shit!, my knickers are showing!” yeah, not shit! Anyway…
In she gets… lean in to kiss good bye (thinking stuff it, I may as well just jump in)
“Are you coming or not?” (Not yet I’m not LOL!)
“Yep”
The usual back of taxi antics, and yes, he would have been privy to a almost poem style show… wait for it…
Arrive at her address…
Me… ”Nice house!”
“Just moved here… it needs christening!”
Happy friggin days!
Now, this whole time, I had actually had flashbacks to the “One”, however not now… I’m about to fuck a super hot blonde…
Taxi takes off…
“I left my knickers in the taxi!!!!!” She cries
Doh… ah well….
In we go….
Clothes of in the hallway, you can guess the rest… thank god she had the condom supplies… needed 3.
(Please remember this is all pretty condensed)
Sleep time… spooning… all that nice stuff we all miss.

5:00 am…. beep beep beep
Alarm…. are fucking serious? 5:00 am!!!!!!!
“WTF is the alarm going off for????”
BC1 “Oh, it’s gym time”
WTF? I love my gym, seriously? 5:00 am on a Saturday? Guess to have the hot bod, got to the work! (Don’t I know it!)
“You can sleep though, in fact don’t think I’ll go”
Fall back to sleep… all good right? Might get some morning action?
Wake at 8:00 am… hungover, shagged out, tired.
Roll over… WTF. She’s not there… maybe she’s up already. Walk out to kitchen. Nope. Toilet. Nope.
Note on Kettle.
‘Make yourself a coffee, use the pods, I’ve gone to gym. Just pull front door closed when you leave, I won’t be back until this afternoon. Great to see you again. May run into again sometime. Had a great night as always spunky man. xxxxx’
What???? She has left me here by myself! WOW! Ok.
Coffee done. Felt really weird cause it wasn’t my house… anyway, washed up, got dressed and walked outside.
Pretty sure I was still pissed, and needed a way to get home, yet didn’t want to spend a fortune on a taxi or Uber.
Shit. I’ll call my mate and see if he will come and get me…
“Hey mate, Where is this suburb in relevance to the city? And can come and get me so I can get my car?”
“Sweet Jesus dickhead, that’s like halfway across the state!”
Google maps…. holy shit! Don’t remember the taxi ride being that long!
“See you in 45, you can tell me the rest when I get there”
Cheers mate! Love your work…
Mate arrives… story told… as is the rest of the weekend planned…
His reply “I bet you won’t fuck all of them, and if you do I will laugh”
Challenge accepted….
His last piece of advice… which is very true…
“You know if you do this though, it won’t bring her back to you, and it won’t help with the hurt, you need to process it before you start doing anything else… you will regret this in the end”
Yeah whatever, I’m not listening, not interested… I’m hungover, need a shower, and need to get my arse to the eastern suburbs for my coffee catch up…
Those words from my best mate… still hear them, and he was right. Didn’t make it better… yet I wasn’t in mindset to listen…
On we go to coffee catch up with BC2… and possibility of more sex…
Very interesting advice from his friend! Definitely agree.
Also who leaves a guy in their house that they don’t know to go to the gym?
#IBD4U