Guest Blogger: The Animal

My wonderful reader has another story for you… Interesting to have a male perspective on dating.

The Animal

Ok, for those that read “Liza”, this story comes from quite a few months down the track, which in between time “The One” has happened, as has the “Woodwork Booty call weekend”. Happy to share those at some stage in the future.

So, The Animal…
After the One had finished up (didn’t end well obviously), the decision was made to rejoin online.
Having met Liza and the One online, a little bit of trepidation with this, yet stick to rules and criteria:
Well dressed
Attractive
Has a bio

Swipe left on:

  • Filtered with bunny ears
  • Sunsets or coffee mug pics
  • No bio
  • Gym selfies(love the gym, but how about leaving what God gave you until we see each other in flesh?)

Oh and fellas, feedback I have heard is Hi-Vis isn’t sexy (that stuff is keeping you safe at work) either is a gym selfies (compensation)
or pics with your dogs… Just a tip I’ve heard!

Anyway, swiping and swiping, cause following the rules means you wipe out over 70% of profiles…
Ah bang… The Animal… (And I have named her this out of purely how this turns out! Not because she is! A term of endearment! Politically correct and all) looks good, tall, well dressed, attractive and highly educated. Swipe right.

Match.

Great. Start the conversation, you know the usual? Kids, career, interests.
More in depth re: each other’s single journey. Awesome. Interesting lady.
Chatted for about a week.
Let’s meet.
Time made, event in town, going to a comedy show.

Sounds great. Laughs and banter will break the ice.
Few days pass, idle chit chat, nothing significant.
The evening arrives, after spending 45 mins trying to decide which outfit to wear, finally arrive at date.
We have the usual greetings, bonus point is she looks exactly like her photo! There’s a tick!
What the show happens to be a show about dating and sex.

Anyway goes well, walk back to apartment to drop her off. For some reason all my dates end up in a passionate embrace and a snog.
That aside, we make a plan to catch up next day, I like this girls style.
Adelaide Hills, wine tasting, walk. Sounds great. Some romance with wine and food.

10am Sunday morning start, off we trundle to the Hills, I will spare you all the details whilst doing the tour, let’s say was one of those nice dates with good conversation and banter (we all have those yeah?) No red flags as yet. Perhaps only one with reminder occasionally the The Animal has 3 degrees, including one in Psychology. Yeah ok, I get that you’re smart!

Comes to the walk part of date, where you sort of know that there’s definitely going to be some physical touch going to happening… this is punch line… more than you maybe expecting…. and just the beginning!

So a lovely trail is chosen, very secluded, she picked it( still no red flags going off!)
About 15 mins in, well, here comes the kissing etc… A few minutes of that nice, hot and heavy action, I get a little whisper in ear ”I have a fantasy and fetish”
Do you now?
Yep, you guessed it…
Now I consider this for a few seconds, not really my thing in the middle of the bush, beach maybe, bush not so appealing.
Some gentle encouragement from her brings me around to the idea… Off the track a little we head. We all understand it takes a few minutes to get a few things unhitched, time to get to it…
“Oh wait” I whisper…”No can do, no condom”
Within a flash from the clutch comes the little packet! (Thinking here…WOW, did she have this pre planned? Seems a little organised)
Ok, rolled on, ready to go…

“Before you start, there’s something I need you to do” she says

“Yes for sure”

“Grab a small gum tree branch with a few leaves on it”
“Huh!!!???” Completely confuses now…

“I want you to spank me with the branch… On my bum, just a few times before you start”

At this point I’m going WTF, yet stupidly run with it, because, well I now need release myself! Can’t waste it…

Spanking done (and at this stage the red flag has just popped into head big time) Start on the (we know this bit)
Then there’s noise, noise like a mating male Koala, and no it wasn’t me, and it wasn’t coming from the trees either… Definitely in front of me!!!
(Again…WTF is coming to mind)
Was over quickly (thank fuck!) to which she had a very satisfied expression…ok.
A different experience for sure.

“Apologise for the grunting” she says “I’m fascinated by Koalas and how they mate” (How many red flags would you be having by now???!)

All good is my reply, yet completely unnerved at what the hell just happened in some ways….
Walk back to car, a couple of cheeky grins, however internally completely wondering ‘How the hell did I end up doing that! And what’s with the Koala thing?’

animal

As we start to drive back to town, she leans over and says ”I want more”

“More what?”

“More!”

I drive an automatic car, so you don’t really need your left hand… Yes, you guessed it (maybe!), my left left hand was asked to infiltrate the panties on the drive home…
No grunting this time, however earth shattering shrill and OMG, the looks at the stop lights at the bottom of the freeway! If the cars next door couldn’t see, they for sure could hear!

By this stage, I had sunnies on and was trying to pull myself down in the seat like those douche bags do in their beat up old Commodores… Again… WTF… Can I go home now????

Arrive at apartments, walk her to the door. The pleasantries of how nice a day it was etc… blah blah blah… Then the conversation of the afternoon…

“Was awesome fun” Was her description..

“Definitely different” my reply..

“Different!!!????? What do you mean different???? You didn’t like it???, you joined in!!” She screamed.

“Omg, calm down… Just something I would not do normally, so yes different.”

“Well, if didn’t like it, there’s not much point us continuing to see each other!!!” Off she storms….

Shaking my head now…. Seriously… Ummmm yep! WTF. Run!!!!

Jump in car.

Text message ‘Sorry I yelled, can I call you tomorrow’

‘Well, half of Adelaide heard you, however apology accepted’ (Not sure why I said that!)

‘Can I call?’

‘Tomorrow, yes. Not tonight’

‘Ok cool’

Will she call? God knows….after how that ended, I hope not. Not sure I want to answer the phone!

My, at times, naivety has just been shattered even further, and a mind full of what the fuck just happened today? How did it go from wine to grunting????? Then again, will give me the chance to say “Hey, was fun, however I don’t think we should go on” over the phone… which is lots better than by text…

In the meanwhile, I’m off to find a beer, or 6, and dull the senses a little….

Will she call you think? Will she be apologetic? Where the hell will this end up?

Well, that’s another WOW moment! Maybe dating women isn’t easier. I won’t be jumping the fence any time soon!
#IBD4U
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