Month: Sep 2019

For those wanting more Noodle posts, just be aware that he is sprinkled in a lot of the other blogs that I have coming up, as all the stories intertwine. Skipping one will probably confuse you if you just look out for Noodle specific blogs. My advice, is don’t skip over any blogs, because if you want to hear about Noodle, he’s everywhere. Plus lets also find out how my story ends! Hahaha… It can’t get any worse, can it?

What a surprise that Noodle didn’t like Fireman, Noodle was so adamant to our little clique group that he wasn’t a fireman at all. Trying to show us evidence that he wasn’t a fireman – well technically he wasn’t, he was a volunteer with the CFS & was trying to get into the MFS. Fine, good on him, not a lie, but Noodle wouldn’t let it go…. You can probably guess why he was making a fuss – yes because fireman was showing interest in me in the group! Another guy I need to stroke Noodle’s ego about – Great!

I don’t private messaged Fireman for ages, not only because I know that Noodle would act like a douche to him – more than he already did but also because I didn’t want to chat to other people outside of the groups. But when I was in Kangaroo Island, I had that fight with Noodle about his flippant spending & he as at the Limp Bizket concert, I started chatting to Fireman. He was cuteish & seemed like a really decent guy, also single. We were just chatting, wasn’t daily but was most days, I always made him make the effort to be honest to chat to me.

Only 2 weeks after ending with Noodle & during his first lot of radio silence Fireman asked me to catch up with him for a coffee. I didn’t have to tell him about the breakup, he already knew & was basically the only guy pulling me though right now. I still have J-Lo to talk too but he didn’t really ever seen Noodle in action in the groups. Fireman saw what Noodle was like to other guys, including himself. He also saw the message about fucking the shit out of me too…

During one day at work, I was in the same area as Fireman, we were chatting while at work & he says that we should meet, I’m reluctant to meet him, things are still semi unresolved with Noodle, but he’s moving on, so fuck it, I need to move on too!

I meet Fireman for a coffee during our lunch breaks which seemed to align – I’m not eating still & know I look like shit, a few people have told me I’ve lost too much weight (I wish that were true!) but I always lose it first in my face – why is that when I have a gut to lose, that I lose it from my face first & get told I look to skinny! I wish!

I feel bad about meeting this guy who is seemingly decent, has been super understanding about my situation & I’m fucking using him to get over Noodle. But this guy also knows the whole story as he’s been in the groups long enough to know the gossip. Fuck the gossip is hilarious on this app… Better than Days of Our Lives. Hahaha.

I see him walking over to me in the café, he’s very tall, taller than I was expecting, he’s more Noodle’s height with a almost shaved head, he’s pretty much exactly like his pictures he’s sent. He’s cute, has a cute smile & we hug & kiss on the cheek hello, he pays for my lactose free hot chocolate – the only thing I can stomach right now & even then it it’s a struggle to have anything in my tummy at the moment.

He seems really lovely in real life, we chat easily, again it’s a lot about Noodle, which I can’t help – he asks & you can tell by my face that I am fucking heartbroken. He’s just split from his ex of a few years & has a young daughter with her which is one of the reasons they stayed together for so long. He’s been living with his ex & daughter but in a separate room, which has been hard for him but they decided to keep their daughters life as normal as they can by living together & it seemed to be working for them.

I talk mostly about Noodle again, I can’t even believe that Fireman messages me later that night & asks what I’m doing. Because I’ve lost so much weight in the last few weeks, I need new jeans, so I tell him that I’m heading to the shops to buy new jeans & he says if I want company then he’s free. I think this is a little weird but I agree that he can come jean shopping with me. I mean I was just going to go to the shops & go home. But he meets me at the shops & we go into my favourite jean shop.

Stupidly I start trying on jeans 2 sizes too big, not realising that I am now a size 12 at Jeanswest! I end up buying 2 pairs of jeans & help him pick out 2 pairs, the woman also asks us if we want to share a change room, my thoughts wander because if this was Noodle, I’d totally say yes & fuck him in the change room sneakily… But this is a semi random guy, I’ve only met him for the first time for coffee today, although we’ve been chatting a while now. So we both decline, with an awkward giggle – I think he’s thinking the same thing as me, if our relationship was further along, then we probably would go into the same change room but we don’t & finalise our purchases.

Walking out awkwardly, I realise we’ve been here about 30 minutes & he drove about an hour to get here. I suggest something else, asking if he wants to go to a movie which he says yes too. We go to the movies & the head our separate ways.

The next time I see Fireman is the night after Dom & I fucked… I didn’t want Fireman to be my rebound, but I needed to fuck someone else. I figure that tonight I will probably have sex with Fireman as I am going to his house after a drink with a girl friend. He’s just moved into a new house separate from his ex-partner & has been busy setting up the house which is why I haven’t seen him, it’s totally fine, I am not bothered. His house is in a new estate which is all those houses really close together that all look the same, it’s a long skinny 2 story town house. Brand new & looks good. We sit on the couch with a beer & he puts on a movie. We watch a movie & he lets me cuddle into him on the couch, I’m wearing my new jeans & so is he. My top slides up a bit so he is able to tickle my hip as we cuddle on the couch. We watch a second movie too & I realise that it’s getting late that I leave. As I’m saying goodbye at the door, I lean in to hug him & he kisses me goodbye. We kiss for a while & he isn’t that great of a kisser but I think because I am comparing him to Noodle.

He messages me to tell me that he wishes he kissed me earlier & that I stayed. But being that this guy lives an hour & a half away from me & it’s 1:30 am & I have to be at the Psychic Fair with my friend in the morning, I decide to leave, he messages me on the way home to tell me to message him when I get home. Awww how sweet!

#IBD4U

One of the first things that everyone says post break up is NOT go to psychic, I even read a breakup book a good work friend gave me that said under no circumstances should you see a psychic post break up.

This I would probably agree with. I can imagine that many psychics tell you what you want to hear… What do I want to hear? That Noodle is going to come back to me. He’s going to realise his mistake & come to me. Do I want to hear that? Do I even want that? He’s hurt me in so many ways that I can’t even think about how pathetic I’d be if he did come crawling back & if I allowed that. Would I be strong enough to refuse him?

However I didn’t want to know the usual thing about love that women probably want to hear, that he will come crawling back to me… I don’t want to know that, I am sure that Noodle will come back to me without a doubt. I am just not sure when he will or for how long or even in what format, but it’s something I know. Something I feel. I know that’s going to happen. Our story isn’t over. I can feel that. Have you ever had that feeling? With Boyfriend, I knew it was the end, I didn’t want to give it up because I was comfortable with him but I knew in my heart of hearts that he wasn’t the one for me. Now I’m not sure if Noodle is the one, I’m not even sure I believe in the one, but I know that this is not the end with Noodle.

I ask a friend if she wants to go to psychic fair with me, I’ve never been before but I want to go, I’m not sure why or what I want to know but I want to go & so does my friend. There is some weird pull for me about this too… It’s like I need to go.

The morning of the psychic fair Noodle fucking messages me on my fetlife account which is just a kinky facebook. Why the fuck does he choose times like this! I hate his timing sometimes. “You finally fucked anyone else yet? You’ll so well now that I’m not holding you back, & you know damn well your a sexy bitch.” I think he’s trying to tell me that I should know by now that he was holding me back. I hate that he thinks I need kink to be happy. I enjoy kink, I like kink, I obviously like rough sex but I don’t have to have it.. Fucking hell this man messes with my head! I don’t ever write back to the fetlife message.

I ask my friend how to choose a psychic that I want to do a reading for me & she said I should be drawn to someone, so to speak. We walk around & I see this woman sitting by herself & I tell my friend that I want to see her for a reading.

I sit with her I honestly think this is a bit of bullshit, what am I even doing here, what do I even want to know to be honest?! Until this woman says to me “I know you’ve just changed from weights to cardio & this is a good decision.” WHAT THE FUCK… That’s so specific… But also this freaks me out a little because it is literally what my naturopath had told me to do only 2 nights earlier when I saw her! Trust me, I never would have expected the psychic to be so specific. After that I relaxed with her. I honestly wish I recorded it, because I forget some of the things she actually said to me.

She tells me that I will have 2 ex’s & they will come back into my life & I need to hang up the phone & ignore them. HANG UP THE PHONE! She tells me this several times, looking me right in the eye when she does telling me to tell them they’ve got the wrong number. Yeah I know this is correct, but will I be strong enough?

She also asks me who is T**y. (I can’t write the actual name because it might be significant in my blog one day!) I am like I don’t know any T**y but she tells me that I will meet a T**y next year before my birthday, which I guess is like 18 months away at this point. T**y, he will apparently already have a child – this I am happy about… I will probably meet him though my work, but it will be ok to date him, it won’t need to be a secret. She says that we’ll be happy & that I’ll also be working for myself… (Interestingly 18 months later, I don’t work for myself… I write this blog, but don’t get paid for it!) Finally a man that won’t be a secret! I can’t wait for that day!

I talk to my friend about the fact Noodle hadn’t talked to me expect his stupid message this morning on fetlife that I didn’t reply too. I also want my key back – I need it back for my sanity. She suggests I just go to his work today & get it. I change at home & head confidently to his work, walking around the store trying to find him. I didn’t see his car but hoping that he’s there since I worked up the courage. I ask at the front desk but he’s not at work today… FUCK.

Now after the psychic fair, now every time I see a T**y on any app I’m on, when on tinder or even facebook or in real life, where ever I am, I look at them wondering if they’ll be the T**y I’m supposed to meet & be with… One even adds me on Facebook when I’m in a singles group & I think fuck this could be my guy, however I’m not attracted to him at all & I ignore him.

This name seems to pop up a lot over the next 18 months that I am looking for someone & I can’t believe that none of them I am attracted too. Where is he??

#IBD4U

The 2 weeks following my break up with Noodle are a blur… Like I said I am not functioning, I am constantly thinking about him, about her. I am not having sex (yeah so unlike me!) I am not eating, I am fucking devastated… I have resisted the urge to email him, to text him, to call him, to go see him… I don’t know how I have resisted, but I have… I must fucking love him to be able to stay out of his life for this long without trying to make contact… Not wanting to complicate things for him… Not wanting to ruin his life even more than we have.

However within in the last 2 weeks, I have lost a lot of weight, I haven’t eaten, I haven’t slept, I’ve been going to the gym as that’s the only time I don’t think about him… Actually that’s a lie, I don’t fucking stop thinking about him at the gym either. I never stop.

Noodle still has my house keys, so I stupidly hear a car pull up & think it’s him. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing noises, thinking it’s Noodle sneaking into my house, like he’d done before to fuck me, only this time he’ll be here forever! My hopes are always dashed… Noodle never rocks up at my house. Noodle never uses that key… I need to get it back! I am going insane thinking about him rocking up at my house… I need it back…

I decide to email him. I antagonise about what to say, I spend a few days writing it… (I was going to post the whole email in this blog, but I have decided that it’s too personal. Weidly being you know eveything about me. Hahaha.) I actually pour my heart out to this guy, telling him that I don’t write to change his mind but that I want him to know some things that have been bothering me. I apologise for being so irrational in our final moments, I snapped & told him he was a fuckwit, yet next minute I was begging him to be with me. That was fucking dumb. I tell him about the fantasies I had about marrying him, living with him & waking up next to him everyday. I tell him that even though I never told him that much, I did think about a future with him, a future I could only dream of.

I call him out for lying to her still & trivialising what we had by saying it was only 3 months. That fucking hurts me, but he’s always been honest with me, so he was telling me that to be honest, not to hurt me. But it makes me feel so insignificant. How can this man have loved me like I loved him if he is willing to just act like he didn’t love me to someone else?!

I sign off

“Thank you for being my best friend.

Thank you for unleashing my inner sexual goddess (as you used to say).

Thank you for looking at me like I am the sexiset thing you’ve ever seen & making me feel so sexy.

Thank you for teaching me to love.

Thank you for loving me.

While I don’t think our story is over, it’s with a very heavy heart, I hearby end the Noodle vs #IBD4U Agreement 2018.

I love you.”

I don’t expect a reply, I don’t even know if he’s looking at the cheating email anymore… But I feel good for getting it all off my chest. I have out it all out there, I have bared my heart & soul to this man & like I said, it’s not because I want him to change his mind, but I need him to know. I know he’s probably sitting there thinking he is not good enough for me, that he is not that great. But I need him to know what I think of him, without him being able to rebuff what I say. An email is the perfect way for that.

I am going nuts though, when I don’t get a reply a few days later, so I finally snap & send him an actual text to his phone, when I know he is at work & can delete it. “I’m going crazy not talking… Can you please find a way?”

A few days later, he emails me & tells me that he’ll reply when he can & that he’ll put the chat app on his phone over the weekend at work to chat to me. I am finally relieved, that I may get some answers, be able to tell him some things.

When he finally does return to the chat app, his profile picture is a black dot. I ask him what that’s all about about he says that he’s scared his partner is going to go on the chat app. He tells me that he told her we met at the gym so she doesn’t know he was on the chat app. I explain that she’s more likely to call me on my work number than try to find me on the chat app. Surely?! “Umm guys have allready asked her if she’s on the chat app” Guys?! What the fuck? Guys? What guys?! I ask what he means & he is WAY too honest with me “Kinda in an open now… Guys from a site.” WHAT?! He tells me that he’s given her permission to see some guy tonight. My stomach heaves! A fucking open relationship!? Is he fucking kidding me! “Just when I thought you couldn’t hurt me anymore…” Tears start rolling down my face… “Sorry but yeah, the reason why I have no pfp” I can’t help myself, I am a true masochist. “So you’re going to start seeing other women now?” I am still madly in love with this man, spilled my guts out in an email, which he didn’t respond too as such yet & he’s going to be fucking other women while his partner is out fucking other men? Only a few weeks ago she’d not even ever cum with him! Now they’re in a open relationship?! OMG… I can’t even cope! This is fucked… I am gutted.. I am shattered… “That’s the goal. Maybe you too again. Was hoping to see you again.” Really Noodle?! He then proceeds to tell me that she’s just sent him a picture of her sucking a guys dick, she even tells Noodle that his cock is a decent size & he believes her… I used to have to reassure him about his cock size all the fucking time, now she sees one dude & he believes her about his cock?! This is fucked up… This is fucking killing me… I can barely see from the tears streaming down my face. I am heart broken & he’s getting dick sucking pictures from his partner. OMG… He tells me she found a dude on a site & is with him right now. He says that’s its really quick & surprised him heaps. I can’t help but hide that I am shattered by this “I just hope you’re not so quick to find someone on a site.” I can’t even cope with this right now. “I want you, you twat. That’s why I’m trying for an open relationship.” Does he think that I can see him again? Or be happy being the second priority again? I stupidly ask him if she’s cum with him yet & when he says no comment, I can’t stop myself. He tells me that she’s a proper squirter (which I said at the fucking beginning…) He tells me that she’s let’s him cum on her face & loves it. He tells me that he can degrade me more though but she’s asked him to choke her when he gets home from work tonight! It’s Tuesday night, our usual night… FUCK… I cannot believe this! I curse the fact that we have a fucking honest friendship… I hate that he’s not sparing my feelings at all, but also sort of thankful that he is telling me what is going on, because it’s dashing all my hopes that they will break up & I will be with him.

He tells me she’s asked to buy lingerie but he tells me that my body is better than hers. She was so jealous that I orgasmed with him, which is why she now cums for him all the time… It was apparently the first thing she asked about our affair, if I came or not. He’s being way too honest, tells me he tried to fuck her ass but it’s too tight so they’re going to buy some butt plugs & that she’s rimmed him. FUCK!

He logs off & I am now driving my car to my sisters howling, I can’t even deal with this right now. I rock up on her door step without any messages or warning. Her husband opens the door & tkes one look at me & worriedly says my sisters name in a way that makes her jump out of her couch. The kids look at me like I’m a fucking nut case rocking up at their door unable to control my crying… I feel like a fucking wanker. I have not been online, not been chatting, not having sex because I am so fucking sad, so heartbroken about this fucking ending & here’s Noodle trolling online for a fucking open relationship. He can not love me the same way as I loved him… My sister is amazing though, I am forever thankful for her just listening to my sobs as my stomach heaves. I feel bad for her having to explain to her 5 year old why his aunty rocked up at their door howling.

I don’t sleep.

I don’t eat.

I cannot stop thinking about them fucking.

My heart is breaking all over again. I know those who were against this say I am getting what a deserved. But this is beyond what I deserve… I hate how honest he is. He’s a fucking prick to me right now. OMG, you cannot understand the pain I am in right now from these revelations!

The next morning at 6:30 am, I’ve barely slept a wink when I hear the tell tale sound of the vibrations of the chat app. I pick it up & see Noodle has messaged me “Morning. Sorry from now on I won’t talk about my sex life. Kinda was a douche without realizing” Well at least he realises that. I tell him that I haven’t slept a wink “I was holding out hope things were shit for you. Now I realise they’re not, I wish I never sent you that email… Feel like a fool.” I fucking wish I could turn back time right now… FUCKING HELL, what a wanker! “Your not a fool… I’m super proud of the things I did for you. I had similar fantasies. Just yeah the kids were the x factor. Things have been rocky. Trust me.” I can’t even believe that he’s saying these things sometimes… “I’ve spent the last 2 weeks crying, not sleeping, not eating & speaking to a psychologist cos I’m not ok , but things have been rocky but you’re getting everything you wanted… So yeah I’m a fool…” An epic fool!

I’m waiting for Noodle to reply when I get a couple of messages from other people on the chat app. I am too invested in what Noodle is saying to me that I almost don’t check them. However there is a screenshot of something Noodle has said in a group I’m not in. “Yeah if you turds didn’t work it out, I was fucking the shit out of #IBD4U. Seems common knowledge on the chat app now.” Someone sticks up for me in the group which I appreciate… “I will always be a dick & a prick… & If you guys were wondering, it was my cum on her face.” I read the screenshots, sent to me by several people in that group & kind of laugh… WHAT A FUCKING COCK FACE… I know he’s done it because he was dying to tell everyone on the chat app that he was fucking me. I mean I wanted to tell everyone too but I never would disrespect him like that… I ask him if he’s trying to hurt me. He said it wasn’t supposed to hurt me & then says “Wow that got back to you quick” I think Noodle forgets that I’m in about 20 or so of the groups, I own about 10 of them. People are loyal to me on there & he’s probably only been tolerated for as long as he has because of me… You know, cool by association. He was always a dick to everyone that there was a great divide on the app because of him. I tell him I got several copies of a screenshot from different people. “Haha Wow. It felt good to say it. Wanted to for a long time. I was fucking you…” I tell him that I never stopped him & he’s a fucking idiot for saying it now after telling me his partner is being asked for her chat app account. Won’t be long & she’ll be on there, that will be the end of him if she meets the wrong people on there… “I’m not proud of hurting you. I’m not proud of upsetting you. Or how things have ended. But I’m proud to have made you love. & to feel loved. Something you had never felt. Your an amazing woman.” Oh fuck off.

I tell Noodle that I haven’t fucked anyone else & I am not going to wait around for him to be in a fully open relationship to see me again when he says “I actual assumed you would of fucked other people by now. You have no issues getting offers. Guess you have even surprised me how much you felt for me. You were more than a FWB to me. I now consider you an ex GF… not a FWB” Fuck is he now my ex boyfriend…?! I remind him that he never believed me & never realised how deep my feelings were for him. I mean that’s partly my fault, I never fucking said it to him. But he tells me that holding his daughter the night it went down, she is only a few weeks old, that he couldn’t leave. I tell him that I love him & he tells me we had an online relationship, but he liked what we had & got jealous because he didn’t want to share me… This doesn’t make sense to me why he’s willing to share his partner now?! I tell him that it was more than an online relationship for me. He asks “Why didn’t we ever discuss this?” I don’t know why “Because I didn’t know you felt that way” He replies as I’m waiting to see my psychologist (who is the world’s biggest square, I swear he’s getting off on my story! Hahaha) “We definitely should of discussed some stuff.” Yeah I agree “I didn’t know you felt that way that we were only online. I tried to do more things I suggested kayaking, movies, gym, shopping & I was so pissed I was away for the limp bizket concert. We had so little time together. But we had started hanging out more… I never considered you an online relationship. Never realised that’s all you thought of me.” My message sits at unread… “I even thought about how we could still use the chat app if we were in a relationship for all the cheeky messages.” Why am I still trying to entice this man to be with me? He logs off & never logs back in… Not this old chestnut.

I go insane, not thinking they are breaking up now but thinking about their epic sex – anal, cum & 3sums. I mean what the fuck does he need me for now?!

I actually feel my broken heart crack into more pieces.

#IBD4U

I can almost hear the list of lies Noodle is telling her now to save his family. The list of lies is to stop her from kicking him out, keeping his kids from him. The list isn’t designed to hurt me or any mistress, but I can tell you that it fucking kills me to think about what he’s saying, I don’t even need him to confirm what he’s said, I already know it.

• It was just sex
• It meant nothing, she means nothing to me
• I didn’t mean to hurt you
• I’m not in love with her, I love you
• It was just one time (or shortened the time to less than it was, maybe months)
• It’s over – I won’t see her again
• I made a mistake
• I’m sorry

I’m almost certain that he’s also telling her that I’m crazy & obsessed with him, I gave him the panties to get him into trouble. I bet he’s not telling her all the details – I mean I don’t want to her to know that I’ve been to their house & that I’ve fucked him in their bed but she deserves to know the whole truth. I reckon he may have even told her that he tried to end it with me, perhaps that I threatened to tell her, so he kept seeing me? I know he’s telling her how much he loves her, how stupid he is, that he doesn’t want to lose his family.

I get I have totally fucked up here & someone got hurt other than me, some of you even think I am getting what I deserve… But you also have to remember, I am single, I’m allowed to be online trolling for men… I just never expected to fall in love with a partnered man who was trolling online for something too. I am not proud of what I did or how things happened, but I wasn’t expecting to be in absolute agony thinking about what he’s saying to her. He’s been with her for 10+ years, I get it. We’ve only had a year together, we’ve both had our guards up most of the time, not letting each other see the real us. I was never going to be the winner here (if there even is a winner).

I wish he would talk to me. I fucking hate that I have no way to contact him & now she knows, I can’t send a text, she’s probably got his phone. I have no idea what is happening & it kills me, if he leaving her, is she kicking him out? Are they working it out? He’s so fucking lucky that I respect him enough not to cause drama, I mean I know where they live, his phone number & where they both work. I could cause so much shit trying to get in contact with him… I want to talk to him. I want to know what is going on. I keep looking out the window every time I hear a car drive past, thinking he’s going to be on my doorstep any minute. I hope for that. I want that. FUCK, I want that so bad.

But his silence today is speaking louder than his words. He’s staying with her. She’s forgiven him for what he did, probably because of the lies & I’m sure she’s believing them, because she wants to save her family too. I don’t blame her for that, hell, I don’t blame him for that either… I think anyone who is told that list of things whether you’re male or female, you know it’s just a line, like ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ or ‘I’m not ready for a serious relationship’ all those bullshit lines people use… These lies are the same, but it works.

For the first time in 14 months, I don’t hear from Noodle on the Sunday, the first day we haven’t spoken… I cry at my family dinner when my brother asks me how I am, just as general question & I can’t look at the family, they have no idea what is going on. They don’t get what is happening, but they are supportive. My mum even stays after everyone has left to find out what is happening. I spill the beans to her. This is something I never shared but my dad cheated on my mum & my mum chose to stay with my dad. I was in my early 20’s so it wasn’t for the kids. But when I say things I know it stings my mum, however she is a wonderful support for me.

I am numb.

I am speechless.

My tummy churns.

I am going insane.

I resist the urge to text him not wanting to make it worse. He loves me, he says he loves her – but like a sister. He told me that he gets angry with his family when he can’t log on the app & talk to me. He get jealous when other men talk to me. He will see the light. He will choose me… Fucking hell this is torture. As if he’s going to choose me! We’ve barely had any time together, we were just getting to a point of being more open & we were actually spending more time talking – it was never just sex with him. We were friends for months first. It wasn’t supposed to be love, but we have undeniable chemistry. Even Sweetie saw it in person, others saw it online.

My family have no idea what is wrong with me, I am like a disconnected shell of a person, I can’t tell them, I mean they don’t even know about Noodle. No one knows that I’ve even been seeing someone, my sister knows a bit but not the extent of our feelings.

I am not present.

I am a zombie.

I don’t sleep.

Am I even functioning?

I of course message him before I got to sleep Sunday night at 7:45 pm “I hate that you haven’t been online to talk to me. I get it but I hate it. I’m constantly thinking the worst case scenario for me & haven’t slept since I got your message on Friday night, in the hopes that you’d come over, even thought you’d be here last night (silly fantasy of getting to sleep next to you all night). I’ve been crying all day today including while my family was here tonight, because I am optimistic one minute then pessimistic the next. So I’ve taken some sleeping tablets cos I have to sleep tonight. But if you need me you have a key. I miss you xxx.” but he never logs onto the app – it’s the first day we haven’t had a conversation.

I sleep that night thanks to the sleeping tablets but not very well, I wake up looking at the chat app multiple times waiting for the greyed out d to turn into a dark d that he’s online & then an R that he’s read my message… But it never happens.

When Noodle finally messages me on Monday morning at 7:15 am, while I am getting ready for work, he tells me without telling me in so many words that he is staying with her, “Shit #IBD4U. It’s been a very tough weekend for me mentally & TBH I’ve avoided being online because I don’t want to say goodbye to you.” FUCK! He’s staying with her… I get angry & say “So you wait till now when I have to go to work?” What a fucking ass!!! He says that he felt like I deserved a message, I tell him that he’s making a giant mistake & he says “I know… I imagine a life so much better with you too… My kids tho…” He tells me what a burden he’d be with his kids & debt. Does he not realise, that he couldn’t be a burden, this is our time. This is our time to have an epic love story.

It’s almost surreal, I can’t fucking believe he waited till I was getting ready for work to tell me that he’s staying with her… He tells me that he packed up his stuff in the car on the weekend ready to come to my house but she got so drunk he couldn’t leave the kids with her. I tell him that my house is always safe for him & the kids, he could’ve come over with them. He knows I don’t want kids of my own so he just assumes I hate kids. Quite the contrary, I love kids, I am just not prepared to give up myself to give birth, I am selfish & I have never wanted to be a mum, but I do want kids in my life which is why I am so happy to have my Nieces & Nephews & now I could potentially have Noodles kids in my life. The prospect of that is exciting actually. I wish he messaged me on the weekend, I would’ve given him the reassurance that he could come to my house anytime, with the kids.

We fight about it for about an hour, until I just say bye. He writes “I’m so sorry #IBD4U. We obviously can’t continue the relationship side of things & that’s what we had… I don’t wanna say goodbye. Your amazing woman #IBD4U, you have been my best friend, so caring & an amazing lover. & it was only my children that lead me to my decision. I will always love you & there will always be a place in my heart for you. I’m sorry that it got this far.” OH fuck off… Is he kidding me? I tell him to shut up. He tells me that he doesn’t want it to end badly with me, but I can’t help how angry I am “The whole thing is fucked. I’ve had butterflies about you & how I’m going to tell you. I fucking hate how much I love you sometimes.” I tell him what an epic mistake he’s making & that he’ll regret it. “I know & for the first time this weekend I’m tearing up. Still not crying but yeah. You will always have a place in my heart #IBD4U. I’m sorry for hurting you. Didn’t want to ghost you tho. Not sure you want to leave the lines open for communication after all this.” I tell him he’s ending it with the wrong woman & that he’s going to regret his decision. He says “My wife has stupidly forgiven me for some reason. She’s even offered to have a 3sum with you Wtf?” Yeah no fucking way that will EVER happen! & so obvious why she wants to do that to compare me & show him how sexy she can be. “But yeah, you’re probably the better choice” Yeah we both know I am the better choice, but he has to live with this decision. I ask him what he told her “Nothing in detail. Didn’t tell her I loved you or had feelings for you. Think she still suspects it. Because she knew I was so close to leaving & knew I was going to you. I told her it was 3 months” OMG “So you’re still lying to her” That poor fucking woman… Forgiving him on lies… He tells me “I worked out if I kept the car, all the debt & the house we’d be even. Yeah didn’t want to be burden either. I’ve thought about it a lot this weekend. & how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” Fuck that hurts… he has made our epic love story so trivial. Desintingrated to 3 months. The love of my life just shattered to a 3 month affair… He that he wasn’t unhappy & that he loves her too “But TBH I love you more. I hate the idea of saying goodbye for good. I’m so sorry #IBD4U. Goodbye for now. I will always love you.” OMG… I am fucking broken… so I message back “I don’t want the last time we saw each other to be the last time… When you’re back at work please meet me for lunch. I’ll get my keys (assuming my undies are gone) & you can have your name badges & xmas presents back.”

Noodle never reads my last message – fucking asshole! He logs off & never logs back on, I hate that he’s got that control. I hate that I don’t try to contact him via his mobile number… Why don’t I just text the cunt & fuck up his life more?! ARGH… So when I get to work, I email him my phone number, I’m not really sure why, but I figure he’s going to get off the chat app. He leaves all the groups except one without saying goodbye to anyone & they all turn to me for answers. Fuck you Noodle for doing that!

The next 2 weeks are a blur, I am somehow functioning at work however I am not eating at all. I can’t eat. My stomach heaves at me when I think about food. Those who notice (Thank you) try to make me eat… I just can’t. I think of him with everything I do… I think about the fact they probably aren’t having sex, that she’s being a complete bitch to him… Even when I brush my teeth, my fucking electric toothbrush reminds me of him. I buy a regular toothbrush & hide the fucking electric one in the cupboard like a douche. There is his Listerine & Rexona in my cupboard, I can’t look at it – but I see it every time I open the fucking bathroom cupboard door. I tip it down the sink & give the Rexona to my brother saying “don’t wear this around me.” Everything reminds me of him, I look in my pantry – even though I haven’t eaten in days & see anything with the word protein on it & I think of him… FUCK!

I think about him daily, I wake up all through the night thinking about him – I do not sleep or eat well for weeks… Checking the chat app for messages from him. Staring at my phone willing him to message me… Tossing & turning all night… I am destroyed… I don’t need you to tell me I got what I deserved, I am 100% aware of what I did & what was going to happen…

I am constantly thinking about what has happened, what they’re going through, if she’s completely shutting him out. I wonder about how she found my panties, where were they? Were they in his gym bag? Why would he leave them in his gym bag? Why didn’t he hide them in his wheel arch in the car like he hid my Christmas present? Why didn’t he give them back to me, did he want to get caught? FUCKING HELL THIS IS TORTURE. I need some answers & at this rate, I feel like I am never going to get any at all… I hate this. I hate that I am barely functioning, I hate that I am falling apart. I’m trying to hold it together, but I never have a poker face. Everyone knows there is something wrong with me & again, I can’t really tell anyone what is going on because no one even knew I was seeing someone, let alone a married man.

#IBD4U

My euphoria is short lived. Noodle obviously has to go home to his real life & my fantasy life is over. I drive home in a sex haze bliss though, I am definitely in this for another year. I’m sure he’ll leave once the baby is a bit older. I can’t even believe I am telling myself this to be honest, as if he’s ever going to leave but I somehow convince myself to believe it – my friend believes it, I should too. I am going to make this work, I love this man, I want to make it work. I want this man more than I’ve ever wanted anything before & this happens to be the only way I can have him right now, so I am willing to compromise for a little bit longer. I now have the support of my friend so no matter what happens, I have support…

However Noodle is at it again, not coming back online at night, taking over 12 hours to reply to me, reading my messages but then not replying. I am gutted. I am shattered. Can I do this for another year? I mean when he goes back to work he’ll be able to message more & I won’t feel so neglected or foolish. But I just have to get through these next few weeks. I just have to get through the next few weeks. I just have to get through the next few weeks. Yes I know I am repeating myself, but I really just have to wait till he’s back at work!

But when he does come back online one night, we’re talking to each other in a tone, I’m upset, I feel like I have every right to be upset that he hasn’t been putting in the effort. Maybe I’m being crazy maybe I’m being too needy or have unrealistic expectations but I feel like that this guy can message me more than he is & that he doesn’t just “fall asleep” when we say good night tonight, all I write is GN. I am done with this.

The next morning he says “Morning if you care” OMG is he serious? “Morning if YOU care!” Really?! “I do care. Surprised you didn’t say GM to me” Yeah right Noodle. “What’s wrong with GN. At least I have the decency to tell you I’m going to sleep” Fuck I hate being in this mood. We constantly fight over the fact that he never chats to me at night anymore or says good night – he doesn’t even say heart emoji you anymore. I mean not this old chest nut again!? I can’t help it. I am staying awake till after midnight every night waiting for him to come back online & he never does. Then I can’t sleep because I’m waiting for him to come back online, then when he doesn’t, I feel like the idiot, then wake up grumpy from lack of sleep. Nothing changes for him though of course, he doesn’t even know that I am lying there awake waiting. Hoping he’ll tell me that he’s at the gym so I can come visit or even just to fucking talk to me about my day… I tell him again that I don’t want to be an obligation but I am sick of this shit… But when Noodle says “I’d kiss you right now if I could” I melt like a wanker & remember to tell him that it’s exactly a year since we met face to face, so about 14 months since we started chatting every day. I tell him that he missed getting me a present for our anniversary so he says “Happy Anniversary babe xxx” I literally start laughing – as if he thinks he’s not funny ”You’re an idiot” with a smiley face “Come on you smirked tho hehe” of course I did, he always makes me laugh “Happy anniversary of when we met too bacon bits xxx” I’m not sure why I’m calling him bacon bits being that’s his favourite thing, not mine. “Bacon bits? I’m left over bacon?” I literally start laughing “There’s no such thing as left over bacon. Bacon is too delicious to be left over. Bacon is your fav food right?” I’m pretty sure bacon is a favourite of his. “I love burgers & lasagne & ribs. Ribs would be my fav probably. Bacon is pretty damn good tho. Your my bacon” With a love heart emoji. I love when we are like this, it’s fucking cute as fuck. “Anyway, I’m off, have fun with your family xxx” OMG… “OMG you’re actually saying goodbye. Have a good day xxx” That was unexpected. Finally a proper goodbye, not just a log off & radio silence “Well think it might help if I do. I do still love you & all. But I’ll shhh now. Sometimes don’t get the op to say it.” Which I need to remember what he’s told me before that he doesn’t say goodbye sometimes so that he can chat to me as long as he can. However it will be better if he does try to make an effort & say goodbye to me. I hope that he does do this moving forward & considers my feelings more. I mean he doesn’t say goodbye so he can chat to me as long as he can, but what he doesn’t realise is that we’re in the middle on a conversation & he disappears… Leaving me feeling like a dickhead. But for him, he has messaged me literally till the last second he can. Things are still a little tense – I don’t know when there will be a time that we are back to normal, but we talk better than we have in a while & it feels good again, when he’s saying good bye & he adds “I hate saying bye to you xx” that I can’t even be angry when he says stuff like that to me, I love it. I’m glad he’s making an effort for me. I really appreciate it & it really shows me that he loves me, that he’s willing to adapt for me when I tell him how I’m feeling.

It’s been a week since we saw each other, since one of the hottest nights of my life with the body stocking, it’s Monday night again. I am in a mood as usual with Noodle that even though I am meeting him at the gym, I am in a funk. This funk is because I haven’t had sex in a week, I get grumpy as fuck when I don’t get sex weekly. (This is something he knows too, if we got a few days, I get too grumpy & he’ll say something about me needing to be fucked) But as I sit on his lap, kissing him, rubbing myself against him, he looks at his watch & says “Fuck” to which I think, what the fuck, he doesn’t push me off him but I realise something is up & sit back on the backseat… He says that she’s just asked him where he is, which he writes back the gym but then she asks for a picture of him, that his location is off & she wants a picture now. I ask him if he wants me to go home which he says no as he gets out of the car, seemingly flustered, so I sit there like a fucking idiot. He races inside & I assume he takes a picture, sending it to her. He gets back in the backseat & I ask why his location is off, he says because he was watching something from America & forgot to turn it back on. He says he smoothed it over with her & she believed him. I mean technically he is at the gym – so not a lie. I say that it’s lucky that his phone wasn’t just at the gym & he at my house like has happened sometimes. We have sex & I can’t stop thinking about the messages & the fact he had to go take a picture & to be honest, the fact that he would drop everything to take a picture & I don’t think that I will be able to cum. But of course, it’s sex with Noodle. I cum but I feel this weird feeling, a feeling I can’t shake as I drive off that night… Maybe it’s because it’s the first time I’ve experienced him first hand, being so whipped… He’s just a strong personality most of the time, especially in the groups that I almost feel like I don’t know who this man is, who ran inside to take a photo in the gym bathroom…

Later that week, I suggest he send a picture to my work iPhone to test the live picture thing. We work out that as long as the picture was taken live, it has that live symbol on it. So I suggest that Noodle take a bunch of picture at the gym so he has a range of pictures in his phone in case that happens again & he’s not actually at the gym.

On Friday night I am out with friends from the gym, I look cute again & wearing some sexy underwear thinking that I am already halfway to his gym being the location of the restaurant we’re at & I’m betting that he’ll message tonight to see me. I don’t know why I get my hopes up about seeing him, but I do… I never hear from him, what a fucking surprise…. But I wake up really early to a message from him at like 2:00 am, saying that his partner knows about us. FUUUUUCCCKKKK!! I write back instantly, sitting straight up in bed, I ask him what happened & say that he can come to my house anytime that he has a key. I don’t sleep well but I lay in bed waiting for Noodle to message again… Which isn’t till like 10:00 am… I read it instantly “Morning. Fuck #IBD4U. I don’t know what to do. I wanna leave my wife bad but I love my kids so much. My little girl means so much to me than I thought she would. And my son. FML. But I want you just as bad.” FUCK! He’s going to stay, I need to prepare for this!

We talk for a short time, I ask how she knows, he tells me that she found my panties (FUCK what a way to find out your partner is having an affair, by finding another woman’s panties somewhere! FUCK!!!) & she now knows about me, there was no way he could deny that he is having an affair with that type of evidence. FUCK! I want more information but this isn’t the right time to ask him this stuff, I’m sure we’ll talk more but right now for him it’s too raw. He tells me that she’s threatened to take the kids interstate (which was already something she’s threatened when I was hypothetical) & he has no money to legally fight her… I send him screenshots from legal aid website to show that she can’t just take the kids to interstate, to where her parents are moving. I also try to explain how much I love him & how much I want to help him. He just keeps saying that he’s in so much debt & he doesn’t want to be a burden for me. That he loves me but he knows I don’t want kids so I don’t want his kids, which is not what I’ve ever said. I want this man, regardless of his debt, regardless of his kids… I want him, all of him, all of his baggage.

He logs off the app & I wait…

& wait…

& wait…

& wait…

#IBD4U

I tell Noodle about my friend. I tell him that I hadn’t told her anything & now I’ve told her everything, I tell him that it surprises me that my friend is on his side. “She said I should give you some space, time & that she wasn’t totally against me still seeing you even though I lied to her for months… She’s the reason why I messaged you last night.” He tells me that he would’ve seen me if he didn’t crash after forgetting to drink his afternoon caffeine drink, I tell him that I’m a fool & now can’t stop crying. But I made a promise to her to not push it with him so that’s what I am going to do. Try to just go with the flow, as if I can do that, but I am going to try! My friend actually said to give him space, not walk away just yet but protect myself a little. I tell Noodle that I know I am being needy, I can’t help it. The man I love is pulling away from me little by little & it’s destroying me. “Don’t forget I’m not working & around my wife & kids 24/7. Just a bad time atm. I dedicate as much time as I can as always with you. Even if it’s not much. I do love you & have feelings for you. You mean more to me than I let on or that I can show you. It’s why I’m sticking around & hurts me every time you think of ending it with me. I wish I could chat to you more. See you more.” Oh god, I tear up again “Ok stop being sweet now, because I’m getting teary! You haven’t really said much about your feelings for me lately.” It’s true, maybe that’s what it is? He’s not been telling me he loves me, even if it is with the heart emoji, at night because he hasn’t been coming back online. “Well didn’t wanna upset you too much… Do you want me to talk about it more?” Do I? Will it make it worse? Is it better that I think that he doesn’t have feelings for me? Will that make it easier to walk away? However, I’m now committed to this for a whole year. “So you stop telling me you have feelings for me & also stop talking to me, keep falling asleep & then surprised when I question why I’m still with you?! I will never understand men! How is not talking about your feelings helping me? I don’t want to be an obligation & I don’t want to force you to talk about your feelings but yeah you stop talking to me, stop saying anything to make me feel like you do love me, hardly see me but you could easily solve so many issues…!” He says he hasn’t stopped & I say that he hasn’t even sent me the usual xxx with a goodnight message. “Hey #IBD4U. xxx” I actually laugh. “You’re an idiot!” But he did make me laugh. “Urgh you’re the idiot. I want to cuddle you right now. You seem a bit crazy & need a hug. I like your hugs, they feel good.” FUCK, I want him to cuddle me too… & I hate cuddles. But I love Noodle cuddles… “Just for the record. I just hate feeling like a fool.” Which is pretty much everyday. “Your not a fool. I do love you & miss you terribly when I’m not chatting to you. Even get a little edgy at home sometimes. You have no idea” Yeah I don’t know, I mean he’s told me he gets angry at home when he can’t talk to me, but I don’t believe that really, I mean how could he even explain why he’s angry when his parter asks whats wrong with him? He starts calling me babe & baby which I say doesn’t suit him so I say “Maybe say that I’m the maple syrup to your bacon” knowing that he loves that “Oh you are the maple syrup to my bacon! Your that little sweetness that makes something amazing even better. You even have a nice sweet little tasty pussy I love to suck” Oh good god, how do we always end up talking about sex! I somehow forget that I am angry with him & tell him that he missed out on fucking me in a dress with knee high boots (an outfit I did pick because I was hoping to see him) “OMG, the would have been so hot too. OMG You always look hot in a dress.”

I also don’t even remember this guy, but apparently (from my messages with Noodle) I went on a date with a guy who tried to kiss me but because he didn’t compare, I didn’t kiss him. First I feel sorry for this guy that I don’t remember him at all, so he doesn’t get a blog post, but also the fact that I am in love with someone else & dating. What the fuck am I doing? I did tell Noodle I was going to date other people, just no one from the chat app. But when telling my friend about it that night she told me not to date other men, it’s not fair on the other men & also she said I need to just focus on Noodle. WOW. Another surprise from her. I tell Noodle about the date & that I am not going to date anyone else moving forward. He says he doesn’t hold it against me dating someone else, it’s just that he doesn’t want me to fuck anyone from the chat app. Which I agreed too, I wouldn’t, it’s too close to home, so to speak. He tells me that there are better men out there than him, which is his standard answer, almost like a test for me to leave him I think, or self-preservation, I don’t know but he acts like he’s so hot sometimes, then I also get the vulnerable side of him where he is so insecure about how he looks. “My friend did ask me why I love you” I know he’s going to ask me what I said “Your answer?” I know exactly why I love him “I said cos your funny, a massive douche, sexy, I love how dedicated to your work & family you are, I love how sweet you can be & how much you support my life decisions to study etc. & how your eyes pop out of your head when you see me in something sexy” He says that he’s not funny & only sexy sometimes. But he’s funnier than he thinks & I think he’s sexy all the time. He asks why I like his douchy side too “It’s hard to explain, like even just a bit douchy to wear white sneakers with a suit to a wedding but I fucking loved it… Just like that you say what everyone is thinking sometimes… I do it too, not quite like you do though.” He asks me to feed his ego & asks how he compares “I like how smart you are & how we help each other with the gym & nutrition etc” But then I realise he means about the guy I went on a date with but he says “OMG, did You Heur call me smart?” I literally laugh out loud at the spelling errors & say I’m not sure why I called him smart. He says “Only I could fuck that sentence at that moment” he asks me to compare him to the coffee date guy (who I still cannot place at all!) “You are hotter, darker hair, more manly, taller, actually had chemistry with you, we don’t stop talking… Hard to talk to him, didn’t feel a spark but also was thinking about you the whole fucking time… He was a bit fatter too & a bit of a wranger”

Side Note: I tell Noodle that the coffee guy came in a suit & I was in gym gear!? I mean who is this poor man! I feel so sorry for him… FUCK… I tell Noodle how awkward it was because he was in a suit but I was in gym gear. So it was awkward just from that.

Noodle asks me “So you didn’t sext him later that night dying to fuck him” I know where this is going “Definitely not, I’ve never done that” Noodle swears that I messaged him dying to suck his cock after our first meeting. I will always deny this! He has no proof.

A few days later, Noodle is still not chatting to me in the way I would like, but he’s asked to see me at the gym, I have bought a fishnet body stocking that has a hole right where you need it as a lady! Hahaha. I put on daggy tracksuit to go meet him, not letting him in on the secret about what I’m wearing underneath my oversized track suit. We have to park somewhere else tonight as there are people in the car park, how annoying. But it doesn’t stop us. I sit on his lap in the backseat & he runs his hands up my back feeling the fishnet stocking on my back & basically rips my jumper off over my head as he’s asking what I’m wearing, it all happens so suddenly, that I am now basically on my back on the backseat with my pants also being ripped down, while Noodle ogles what I am wearing for him. That Look. That noise! Fuck, I am melting like butter for him. I am so submissive for him. All for that look, all for that feeling he gives me when he looks at me like that. I can’t ever imagine that he’s looked at anyone else the same way he’s looking at me now. I literally would do anything for that look, I am 100% his, I am at his mercy. His wish is my command. I never thought I would ever feel like that about a man, ever. He literally can do whatever he wants to me & I will enjoy it & want more. I want it always, this is really what love is.

Noodle pushes me back on the car seat & chokes me while fingering me to make me cum, but just as I am about too, he stops. Fuck, his favourite little game. He looks at me, in my eyes, kisses me, then sits back up & slaps my face. OH FUCK YES. He rips the fishnet bodysuit & uses the thickness of some extra straps to choke me as he fucks me so hard, I feel like I will explode, but he stops every time I am close to cumming.

When I am allowed to finally cum, I have to beg him to let me, he’s pinning my hands above my head, he’s choking me, he’s fucking me so hard, never taking his eyes away from mine. I can’t close them either, I know that I want to look at him in this moment, that I cum. He’s not done of course so his cock is between my tits & he’s cumming on them & my neck, loving that I also beg him to cum there. It turns him on so much. OMG it turns me on so much too.

I can’t even move for like 5 minutes after we’re done. I’ve cum so hard & so many times that I am deemed useless right now. Noodle is rubbing my tits & his cum when I sit up & look at him. Fuck I love this man. He is sexy & everything I want sexually. I can’t believe that I have found a man I can connect with like this & that is love with me! Fuck, how did I get so lucky?!

#IBD4U

I can’t let this go. Noodle has some reason why he didn’t tell me about the kids names & I struggle to believe that I am a priority for him. He finally sends me the first picture of his baby girl & I can see why he’s in love, but can’t see why he’s not willing to be open with me about it. I start to doubt our friendship, about how he feels for me, I feel like I’m not good enough or not really his friend at all, I feel really low right now. So insignificant to him… “Your fucking amazing #IBD4U. Don’t ever & I mean ever think your not good enough. Your so kind, loving & caring. The sexiest woman I have ever fucked. I know you’ve struggled in the past, but your good enough for any guy. Don’t think less.” I feel a little self-conscious now “Anyway… just saying you should talk about the boring things too if you really want me to believe you.” I want him to talk to me about more than sex, food & the chat app people. “I’ll take that into consideration. I do regard you as my best friend. Don’t want to be all boring.” He then sends me a picture of his son holding his daughters hand while she sleeps, his son is looking lovingly at her & Noodle captions is “My son fucking loves her.” He really does, he looks super adorable & it makes me yearn, not for a baby of my own, but for these kids & Noodle to be in my life full time. He finally opens up telling me “I’m legit a boring person. My only hobby is video games which I don’t really do much anymore haha. & I have one other interest that is embarrassing & I’ve never told you” What could it be? I mean nothing is more embarrassing that telling him the other day that I like watching the Batchelor. Nothing can be worse than that! Now if it was actually embarrassing, I probably wouldn’t share this part of the story with you, but I don’t think it’s that embarrassing. “Ummm, I watch professional wrestling. Don’t laugh at me” I tell him that it’s not embarrassing or that unusual for a guy. He tells me that he needs to work on opening up. I mean it’s been over a year, we’ve chatted every single day & seen each other weekly & I don’t really know this guy. Do I? I tell him that his boring stuff is what he claims to be the reason he wont leave his partner, yet he won’t talk to me about it. He realises that he needs to open up more.

I haven’t seen him all the week, I get it the baby is only one week old, he can’t really sneak out & go to the gym, also his partner isn’t breast feeding so he’s been helping out with feeds. He’s been barely chatting (my version of barely chatting is only chatting to me for a few hours a day! Hahaha) & going to sleep early so not even coming back online at night, while I wait around like a tosser.

I finally see Noodle for the first time since we fucked in his bed, we meet late at night at his gym in the car for an hour. I missed him so much, he’s not been chatting as much but fuck I miss him. This whole next week Noodle does the same thing, he chats in the morning then never comes back online. The reason why this pisses me off so much is because I am waiting around for him to come back online & when he doesn’t I toss & turn all night wondering what he’s doing, if he’s ok, if she knows about me. I mean I go insane! We did agree not to talk or we each other as much, I didn’t see it at the time but that’s what we agreed, now looking back I realise he was just following through. I know I’m defending him, but he is also scared I’m just going to delete him. He’s pulling away, so it doesn’t hurt so much when I do.

On the following Thursday morning he says “Morning Banana pancakes” but I am in no mood to be cute, so I just say morning as I get ready for the gym, I actually put my phone down & don’t look at it willing a message from him, like I usually do. “How have you been? I’ve missed chatting to you” I don’t read it & 20 minutes later I get another message from him “You up to much this morning?” I take another 15 mins to reply as I’m driving to the gym “Just about to go to bootcamp” I know I am being shit, but I am sick of always being available for him. “You like your morning gym, don’t you?” I tell him that I just prefer the harder classes & I say “Have a good day.” I put my phone in my bag & work out for an hour. I figure he won’t come back online for the rest of the day like he’s been doing lately, chats to me for a short time in the morning then disappears. I’m sick of changing my whole life for him so I just decide to work out & forget him. I get several message from him “That’s it? You don’t wanna chat anymore? Have a good day? Damn you can be stone cold sometimes.” & 10 minutes before I finish at the gym another message “Was gonna ask you if you wanted to meet today after my hair.” I reply “I’m not stone cold, I said have a good day cos I was going to the gym & you’d be offline & won’t talk to me till tomorrow” He is offline & doesn’t read it. But I rush home & shower, getting ready assuming since he’s invited me out that he’ll log back on & message me soon, so I’ll want to be ready. But my first instinct was right, he isn’t going to talk to me until tomorrow. 3 hours later, I still have nothing from him, so I write to him again “See… I got your message, raced home, had a shower, washed my hair, got ready in record time, waiting for you to write that you were done & to meet… Now I sit like a fucking fool, 3 hours later, also crying like a fucktard because you didn’t even bother to tell me your plans so now I miss out on seeing you again… & now you won’t chat to me either.” I am such a fucking idiot! I spend the rest of the day in turmoil. The thing that fucks me off is that he can log off & not think about me for the rest of the day. I walk around not wanting to put my phone down in case he messages to say that he’s free. I have so much study to do & all I’m doing is thinking a out Noodle. Now I’ve missed an opportunity to see him because I was being a bitch because he’s been busy. Fucking hell I’m an actual adolescent! I do consider texting him, but I just have to trust that he really is busy.

To my surprise at 11:15 pm, he comes back online. I want to ignore him, I want to roll over & fall asleep, but I know I can’t. I won’t sleep if I don’t sort this out & maybe he’ll be at the gym, I can go meet him?! Fuck. “You didn’t really, did you? You didn’t seem very interested in me this morning” Why would I say I did it, if I didn’t? “Yes I did. Because you’ve been making me feel like shit… Didn’t walk around with my phone in my hand like I usually do when getting ready.” I know I am being a nutso here, but I can’t help it. The man I love is pulling away from me & barely chatting to me. “Sorry didn’t mean to make you upset” I know he hasn’t meant too, but he is. I know this is hard for him but I can’t help it. “You’ve upset me this whole week. Have a go at me for ignoring you… What do you think you’ve been doing to me?!” I can’t believe that I am being like this with a man who has a brand new baby only 6 days ago. What is wrong with me? “I haven’t ignored you…. Chatted to you when I can.” I don’t believe that “I still call bullshit on that Noodle. Since 10am you’ve not been alone for one second to speak to me?! You’ve done it all week” This is nuts, no wonder he hasn’t talked to me all week… “She hasn’t napped this week…“ Oh whatever “You message me when she’s not asleep” He used to find time, but now he doesn’t. “When I can… Hasn’t been many opportunities this week. Don’t let me make you feel like shit. Just very hard for me at the moment. Sorry.” I know this is the problem with dating a fucking married man. “You can honestly say that, swear to god, that you haven’t had a single second to chat to me this week. You’ve been next to her from the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to sleep?! She goes on kindy runs with you? Cooks dinner with you? So tell me what is actually going on Noodle, cos I don’t believe it.” He used to even cheekily message me when he was in the shower or toilet, now all of a sudden he’s so busy & unable to send me a message? Is he trying to pull away? He says that he was going to ask me to go to the barber with him, but I didn’t seem interested in him but he says that he messages me whenever he can “Well if you’re interested which I doubt you are I’m at the gym now. I was trying to communicate to you this morning but wasn’t getting much back. Before you went to the gym” Yeah that’s the thing that pisses me off, so he doesn’t get much back from me so he logs off & disappears. I hate that I am getting dressed before I even tell him that I am coming to see him but I deserve a hug, I s deserve sex, he doesn’t but I do. “I know you think I’m crazy” I am feeling crazy, I hate it. “You are going a lil crazy. Just dynamics have changed a lil bit at home.” I know I hate that, but I can’t help it. I tell him that I tell him a few things about my timeline etc & he changes the way he talks to me, he tells me that it’s the baby not what I said. I meet him at the gym & we connect in the way we know how. Really… Is this love? On my way home, I get a message from Noodle “I miss you too you know” with a winky face emoji. Awww fuck!

On Saturday night, I am out with my friend, the friend I haven’t been able to talk to about Noodle with because her partner cheated on her – every time I’ve raised a married man with her she snaps & I can’t be honest with her. She knows something is up & she probes me to tell her what is wrong. I spill the beans, I explain the whole year of chatting to him & seeing him, falling in love with him, how I want him to leave his partner, but I can’t bare to ask him to leave her – he needs to do that despite what might happen with me. To my surprise, my friend is supportive of me, I think because she saw me start to tear up for the first time since I’ve known her in about 10 years. She tells me that they’ve just had a baby & I shouldn’t push him to leave her. I tell her about my timeline of another 4 months but she says that I should wait at least till the baby is a year old. This surprises me so much, another year of this? Can I handle that? I guess like he said once he’s back at work, he’ll be able to message & see me on Tuesday nights again. She tells me to message him because I look really cute & ask him if he wants to see me. I tell her that I don’t want too because I know he won’t see me, everything is on his terms. However she gets me excited & watches me message him “Are you going to the gym tonight? I’m just on my way home & look super cute… Thought you might wanna see me?” & she sends me home. After midnight I am still waiting for him to even come back online that I get into my pj’s & sulk in bed. Not sleeping a wink.

At 8:35 am, the next day, he finally comes back online, I mean this is from a guy who wakes up at 5:00 am & has a new baby. Like really?! “Nope fell asleep! Aren’t you always looking cute. Morning!” I can’t even muster up a happy response so I just say morning. “Wow. You never ask to see me lately, must’ve looked cute” I can’t help myself “Don’t worry, I won’t ask again.” I’m a fuckwit for even trying. “OMG #IBD4U. You can ask. I shouldn’t have to always ask. I think it’s super cute you were looking good & wanted to see me tho!” Yeah right… “Yeah & then felt like a complete fuckwit for suggesting it.” I snap saying that we only ever fuck on his schedule, he tells me I can say no, which of course I know I can but then my vagina misses out. I can’t deny her. He says just cos he can’t give me the attention I crave doesn’t mean he’s being a dick to me, I tell him “I don’t crave that much attention Noodle. It’s not unreasonable to want a message more regularly than 14 hours from the person I love & supposedly loves me & who apparently thinks about me all the time.” Fucking hell I am nuts. “I message you as much as I can, I wish it was more, really I do!” OMG. Can I really do this for another year? I know it’s different cos he’s off work right now, but can I be the other woman for a whole year more?!

#IBD4U

I must be stupid because not only am I working full time in a very difficult, time consuming job that requires me to travel, I am also studying law part time but I also sign up to upgrade a certificate 4 that I have that has been superseded. I am now basically studying full time as well as trying to fit in the gym, my friends, my family & Noodle. I decide that to get the course done for my certificate that I need some time off. I also hope that I will see Noodle, but I don’t see him for another week since we had lunch together – the day I was crying like an idiot, trying to end it. Our conversations have been horrible, but it’s stuff I think we need to say. I know you all think I don’t think about her feelings, but I think about her more than you know. More than I tell you… One of my biggest fears when I do get in a proper relationship is that I will be cheated on & refuse to believe it. I do think of her, trust me. & I fucking hate how far this has come with him…

Noodle did say we wouldn’t fuck as much or speak as much, so maybe Noodle he’s just following through on that by not coming back online at night, saying he fell asleep or not being online at all during the day. When he used to sneak a message into me when he was in the toilet or when he was picking his son up. Now I just have radio silence for hours. Is he trying to pull away after our conversations? Is he trying to piss me off so that I end it? Lucky I’m not a crazy lunatic that would go to his house & tell his partner everything. As much as I wish I was that nuts, I am never going to do that & he trusts me to not do that, just as I trust he’ll never let her know who I am if she was to find out about this affair.

He says that his partner is going to be induced this Friday & she’ll be in hospital overnight on Saturday with the baby, he won’t have his son so he wants me to come over, he wants to fuck me at his house again. I ask why he isn’t staying at the hospital but he says they don’t have beds for partners in the public hospital & he’s arranged for his son to be at one of their parents houses. This is not a good idea but I can’t resist. I can’t fucking resist… I am a horrible person, don’t think I am proud of even thinking about this.

I spend all day Saturday putting in stupid cheap ass hair extensions, doing my makeup & I’m putting on the nurses outfit that he gave me for Christmas, the super high red heels that I bought, big hoop earrings (that I consider leaving one behind for her to find… However I’m not like that either. I wish I was sometimes! That would end all this bullshit once & for all.) & I’m going to meet him at his front door with a stethoscope & ask him if he called a nurse. But when he messages me to say his partner has been sent home, he apologises profusely. I’m surprised he didn’t just log off & ignore me like he usually would, or like Dom would do, he does try to message me & when she goes to bed, he spends a lot of time telling me how much he wanted to see me tonight. I send him a picture of how good I look & he sends me a picture of his hard cock. But I’m deflated & so I take out the hair extensions & wiping off the make up like Bridget Jones when she ‘goes home to de-bunny’ when she peels off the eyelashes. I feel like a fucking idiot. I’m such a fool.

Sunday he messages to tell me that they have had a healthy baby girl, but doesn’t tell me her name. I ask if everything went well & if his partner is ok, which she is – I don’t wish her ill, I just wish she’d break up with Noodle (since he won’t leave her) so I can have him. Hahaha. I don’t ask what the baby’s name is because I figure if he wanted me to know he’d offer that info. It’s weird he doesn’t tell me when he told me the baby was born, this guy is my best friend right? Why wouldn’t he tell me the name of his child? I mean it took months for him to tell me his son’s name, but this is now a year later, I’m sure we’re close enough that he can tell me her name? Plus he says they’re the reason he won’t leave, but he doesn’t ever really talk about them!

He says that he has his son tonight but he wants me to come over anyway when he’s asleep. Of course I’ve been at his house when his son was there before but I still feel a little weird about it, so I abandon the nurse idea, not only because his son is there but I feel foolish for making a big deal about it yesterday that I can’t make a big deal today. So I just opt for jeans & a singlet – Noodles most hated outfit for me. I don’t do that on purpose & not that he notices but that’s all I could feel comfortable in today.

Noodle kisses me instantly as I walk in the door, undressing me in the doorway before leading me into his bedroom, their bedroom. I’ve never been in there before obviously, last time I was here, we stayed in the lounge room & just had sex on their couch – they haven’t got the new one yet or I’d suggest we christen it. I don’t get much time to survey the room before I am on the bed which is just covered in a sheet, no quilt or pillows before Noodle pushed me on the bed, telling me that the sheets are clean (well I fucking hope so.) We have sex, but Noodle spends a lot of time just lying on top of me kissing me. I fucking love this. Fuck it’s been so long since we were in a bed, it feels so good to have him just lying on top of me, kissing me so sensually. It’s the longest time we’ve had together in ages, there’s no rush, we won’t get interrupted, I don’t think about where I am, our hands are everywhere, it feels like this is how it should be all the time. Slow & sensual, not rushed fucking in the backseat, we usually get with each other. Noodle doesn’t take off my panties, using them to pull up against my clit to get me off, he loves doing that, pushing them aside to fuck me, I’m not sure if guys do this because they also like the feel or like the look or are just keen to stick their dick in. But it always makes me feel sexy when he fucks me without taking my panties off.

Laying there with Noodle afterwards, there is no rush, he gets up to get us a drink & I finally look around while he’s gone. They have a lot of stuffed toys stacked in the corner – that seem to go halfway up the wall. I didn’t picture her as a little, but I guess maybe she is?! Their room is quite full of crap, just like the rest of their house, there is a ironing board right in front of 2 doors that go off their bedroom, assuming one is the walk in robe & one is the bathroom. I lay there thinking I am the worst type of human right now when he walks back in & gives me a drink of water, looking at me with a look that can only be described as love. I give you permission to vomit. Hahaha.

He lays on top of me again, kissing me, I love feeling his weight on me, his manly sexy body taking over mine. He slips his hand under my panties & makes me cum so easily, like I can’t even understand how he can do it quicker than I can do it to myself. He sits up & slips my panties off me but rubs them against me, I am not sure what he has planned but he is fingering me, I feel something else, what does he have? He’s using my panties almost covering his fingers sliding inside me. Fucking hell that is hot. He gets me off again, using my lacy panties inside me. He tells me after that he’s never done that before but just felt like it would be hot. & fuck it was, I haven’t had anyone do that to me before either. I love when he thinks of things like that that surprise me, he thinks I’m so super experienced in kink but really, I am just as new to it as he is. I sometimes think that we’ve done everything, that we’ll get boring but then we do something & I’m reminded that we have so much more to explore.

He lays down next to me & we cuddle. Fuck I have missed cuddling this guy – in a bed. His hands run all over my skin when he moves his hand to my neck… He squeezes it gently & it kind of makes me make this weird noise that makes him do it again, I start squirming against him as he does it over & over, taking his hand away but then bringing it back to squeeze my neck. We’ve talked about choking & how I want to try it but am a little scared, but as he starts to do it, I am moaning & without actually begging him with words, my body is begging him for me, which spurs him on. I trust him & I know he will go slow & react as my body reacts. He sits up again, holding me down my throat as he slips his other fingers inside me, making me squirt like he hasn’t done before with his fingers. I am spray squirting & cumming so much that I am concerned about how wet his bed is getting. I am feeling like I should be more quiet than I am considering where I am. We lay there again after I’ve cum, this time I’m lying on my back, Noodle is next to me, I am enjoying this long slow session with him, it’s hot & sexy, even though I can’t really believe where I am right now. I decide that I am going to suck his cock, something I do pretty much every time we fuck anyway, but this time I can use both hands & lay comfortably. At one point, I remember vividly, him saying “OMG what are you doing #IBD4U” & I almost stop because he never says my name to my face & I am not sure if it was because he isn’t enjoying it but he cums pretty quickly in my mouth that I realise I have just given him the best blow job he’s ever had. Which is what he says when he opens his eyes again. Hahaha.

We lay there hugging & talking, he says that he wants to ask me to stay the night. OMG, I want to so badly. I would love nothing more than to spend the night in his arms, set an alarm for early in the morning, have sex again & sneak out. There is nothing I want more, he knows this is my ultimate fantasy, it’s the thing I want more than anything out of every sexual fantasy that I have, the only one I want is to sleep next to Noodle all night. I tell him that we shouldn’t & he says a disappointed ‘yeah’, but he knows that I am right to say no. Even though I am dying for this fantasy. Absolutely dying. I am dreading getting up & walking away from him right now knowing he wants me to stay. But I do, I get up & get dressed, hating myself for not taking up on his offer, however I know this is the right decision. Sleeping over is really crossing a line…

The next day Noodle & I don’t talk a lot obviously as he’s down at the hospital early & picking up his partner & baby (that I still don’t know her name). It’s starts to make me think of how Boyfriend said to me when he was leaving me that I didn’t know him at all. I always thought that Noodle & I were best friends, I feel like I know everything about him but he is keeping this detail from me. I don’t know why it is bothering me but it is. Am I being pathetic?

I decide to just ask him, for fuck sake, if he won’t tell me maybe it’s because he thinks I am not interested. He knows I don’t want kids of my own so maybe he thinks I don’t care about his kids. Which isn’t true, I mean I have always asked about his son, probed him for months to find out his name & ask questions about him. I always think about his son playing with my nephews, who are all the same age. Now he has a daughter about a year younger than my nieces. I can imagine them all playing together when they come over my house. This is a little ridiculous but I think that his little family will be in mine someday. A hybrid family with his kids.

I ask him what his daughters name is & when he tells me, I ask why he didn’t tell me. He says that he was dying to tell me but didn’t want to seem like a loser. I can’t even believe that he would think I could ever think he was a loser at this point. He says that it’s like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders now that he’s told me her name. I actually want to hug him so badly right now. I do struggle though to believe that the kids are his number one reason for not wanting to leave her when he doesn’t even fucking tell me their names! I also struggle to believe that I am his best friend when he doesn’t even want to tell me their names or send me a picture. It’s not like I’m a weirdo predator, I want to see him with them, I want to see what his life is like outside of me. It’s like he’s trying to keep me separate from his life. Maybe he’s smart to do that…

#IBD4U

The next morning Noodle messages me & says good morning & then sends me a bunch of messages about someone on the chat app chatting to me even though I am not online. He says “Hmmm clearly he’s in your good books. Has a better body than me too. Should fuck him, he’s local too.” I wake up to that, like really. I’m fuming… What a fucking wanker. “Yeah, well I might. ” I know this will piss him off he replies “See told ya, I’d support you. Good for you. You got much planned for today? Cos I could probably see you for lunch if you wanna catch up” You know I want to say no, you know I am desperate to just get rid of this guy but like the drug I’m addicted too, I can’t. He’s at the barber that takes forever to cut his hair, so he’s got some time. But I say that he knows I do want to see him & he replies “Never know might have better options” which pisses me off even more. Why is he pushing me away, I know I need to walk away but I don’t want to, this is so fucked. I say “Stop fucking being a douche” but he says that he’s trying to help me but in honesty he’s just making it worse. “How would you feel if I said to you ‘I don’t want a future with you go fuck someone else?!” he says that’s exactly what I said to him yesterday, which is bullshit. I didn’t say that at all, I think my desperation for a future with him is what has got me in the this mood & the fact that he’s telling me that he’ll support me no matter what I decide & now he’s telling me to fuck other people. Is it a test? I have to dig deep with him to get him to tell me what I said that could possibly be interpreted as I don’t want a future with him. He says “You said you have a timeline to end everything & never talk to me again. Essentially delete me from your life.” Does he not realise that the timeline & no contact is to protect myself. “Yeah because I can’t have future with you… I can’t be friends with you if I can’t have more with you. & the timeframe is only cos I can’t walk away. I’m trying to be reasonable here… I get there’s a baby on the way. But if you still feel the same way in a few months, then I have to move on. Not because I don’t want a future with you but because you don’t want that with me.” Maybe one day he’ll get it? “Do what you need to do, I’m not gonna feed you lies or string you along either. I would love a future with you but yeah things are too complicated in my life for that. But anyway. Moving along now. Both of us have fucked each other over catching feelings & yeah not gonna end well now by the looks of things. Oh well I’ll live. & you’ll have 1000000 guys ready for ya so you’ll live too.” I start crying. I could totally punch him in the face right now. I have to put my phone down “Can we talk at lunch?” I am going to end it at lunch. I have too. I know I said I had timeframe, It’s the end of March, I was planning to wait until the baby was a few months old & closer to my birthday in August, but I am now balling my eyes out. This is so unlike me to be honest. I never cry & I definitely never cry over a man, a man I never had to begin with. I think that Noodle deserves to have a face to face break up with me, as much as it will be hard, I would want the same. Not that I am probably going to get that, I will try to give that to Noodle. “I’m scared you’ll delete me” I get that he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, being I am like his only one. But I also can’t be his friend, as much as I want him in my life, there is no way I can just his friend after what we’ve been through. He’d never be able to see me for lunch or a drink. We’d still have to sneak around & I just know, the junkie that I am would want one more hit of the good stuff. I’d get pulled back in. “At least you can say that you made the great & powerful #IBD4U cry!” with an laughing emoji. He apologises & asks me to pick him up. I put my makeup on carefully, trying not to cry, but I have to keep telling myself that, If I’m crying over stuff we’re saying to each other then it’s time to end it.

I pick him up from the shops near my house, where he is supposed to be, he leaves his phone there & we go to our Mexican place for lunch, where we’ve had lunch before. Sitting there opposite him, having cried all morning, I struggle to get the words out that this has to be over, I know he can feel it too. I’m sure he knows this is the end for us. I mean he asked to meet me for lunch, he didn’t ask to come to my house to fuck me. We both know that this is the end. We eat in almost silence. Just looking at each other, can he see the pain in my eyes? I can see something in his, I mean he never cries obviously being a macho man but I have to look away.

I’m trying not to look in his eyes, but we can’t stop making eye contact with each other, we finish eating & before I know it I’m asking “How much do you want to fuck me right now?” Where the fuck did that come from? You’re supposed to be ending it, not fucking him, he says he wants to fuck me a lot & next minute we’re driving in my car back to my house with his hand on my leg. He fucks me over the kitchen bench hard & fast. Well that went well… Well done!

OK, that has to be it! One last multiple orgasm with him! FUCK. I’m so stupid! Why did I fuck him. I drop him back at his car & somehow I get the words out to ask him if he wants me to come with him to do his errands. He says no, he’s running now & I think because he is supposed to be out buying his partner a birthday present. It’s her 30th tomorrow, so assuming he doesn’t really want his mistress there for that, even though I did give him some ideas of what to get her.

“How cute you wanted to hang with me longer” he messages as I pull into my driveway again, I mean really, he still doesn’t realise that I want to hang with him, for more than just sex! “Well I figure that was the last time we’ll hang out. Thought you might want some company with your errands” I just want to spend time with him. “Would have been nice if we hadn’t had lunch or fucked. Which I preferred to do. I didn’t mean to blow you off sorry. Didn’t think you were gonna ask to hang with me for the rest of the day.” I feel like an idiot for even asking now, so I wish I didn’t. ”Don’t worry. We should just keep it to sex & sexting” I don’t even know why I say that, that’s not what I want. ”I would of been happy just having lunch & talking to you… Didn’t have to have sex. My fav part of tues night is chatting to you.” Oh fuck, that’s been my favourite part too… I tell him that I was planning on ending it today at lunch but I chickened out. ”TBH thought you were gonna do that last night. It’s why I jumped in the front seat. Had a bad gut feeling. As if you were gonna end it today with me. Then changed your mind & wanted to hang with me for the rest of the day. WTF. LOL. Wasn’t expecting today. Eh you might as well fuck me till something better comes along. Then make me jealous & end it that way” I don’t want to make him jealous at all, I go to great lengths to make sure he doesn’t get jealous! ”I assumed you had to go home again, so you jumped in the front seat… I thought we could spend one day together before it completely ends… But doesn’t matter. I don’t want to make you jealous so you end it. But I do need to start seeing other people.” What a joke, as if that’s even going to be possible! ”Do whatever you wanna do. Like I said just be easier just fuck other people & forget me. You can end it thru text. Be easier. Rather you just end it.” OMG, he wants it over? ”You want it to be over?” I do need him to fucking end, because I have done so well with that so far! ”Nope but you do so theres no point. If I want it over I’ll end it. It’s gonna end eventually. I’m struggling to contain my jealousy as it is (due to my personal confidence issues) so yeah. Might as well do it nicely.” We’re both fucking retarded. ”If I really wanted it over, I would have ended it. But not going to do it over text. I don’t want it to end AT ALL… I want you.” how can he think any different ”Not what I’ve been feeling” Is he insane? How can he be feeling that I want to end it. I mean I know I have said to him that I need to end it but there’s a big difference about wanting to & needing too. I ask him why he thinks that & he says it’s just a feeling he gets. ”That I don’t want you? I come see you at the gym at 10 or later, I pick you up from random places so I can see you… I stay awake all hours to try to get a minute to talk to you… But no, I don’t want you. I’m also crying cos I told you I had a timeframe because even though you have told me time & time again you won’t leave, I still stupidly hold this hope you will so I’m trying to give you more time… But you respond with do what you have to do” Like does he really not get it, is he that insecure? Or is that I am not giving him the reassurance that he needs? ”Ok, maybe you do. Argh, don’t wanna make you cry #IBD4U. Guys don’t make you cry grrr” Yeah he’s right, guys don’t but this does! This is killing me. ”I’m stupid for thinking he just needs more time. I’ll give it to him but if he still feels the same in a few months then I have to be smart. But when you respond with shit like that, I think he’s never going to change his mind, why am I hanging around & I should be fucking other people.” Even though it’s not what I want ”Your not stupid for thinking that. Wishful thinking isn’t stupid. Have you not seen my stupid cheesy smile around you lately” Yeah that stupid smile is the fucking reason I’m in the his mess! I love that smile & I love the man smiling at me! “I am. You’ve never given me any indication that we could have future so why do I think it’s just timing?! My other option, that I couldn’t say, was that I give you the time but I see other people (which lets face it, hasn’t gone well in the last year anyway!). Because I don’t want to lose your friendship… That’s what’s actually making me cry TBH.” I can’t imagine my life without chatting to him everyday to be honest. “Ok, how’s about you start seeing other people & yeah we be friends. & avoid having sex. If we can…” This is the dumbest idea since we started this supid affair. “OMG… How are we going to be just friends & not have sex? Just work out with me?” This is never going to work “Well stop doing it a few times a week?” I tell him that I don’t want that & don’t think we can do that & he says that he doesn’t want that either but just wants me to be happy. We agree that I will not fuck anyone from the chat app, he says he’ll be too jealous, I agree that I don’t want him fucking anyone off there so I get it… But I will try to see other people, which I know how this is going to go. I don’t want to fuck anyone else. “I actually don’t want to see other people but I’m so invested I keep going insane when you don’t message or can’t see me when I want.” I do get insane, I know I do. He gets jealous of me chatting to other people & I guess I get jealous when he doesn’t show me attention because he’s with his family. “I’m sure if you fuck some other people you’ll find something new to invest your time in. I’m a total loser, not even sure why you fell for me. Rather not lose you as a friend” Urgh I hate when he says stuff like that. “You have no idea how much I want to beg you to pick me. I don’t think you’re a loser. But I don’t want to lose you as a friend either.” Urgh are we really doing this? “I don’t want to hold you back. Live your life #IBD4U. I’ll survive no matter what you do. Go on dates, fuck other guys, meet people off the chat app.” OMG, is he fucking kidding me? “Alright, I’ve had enough of this convo… Cos now you’re being a douche.” WTF? We are just stupid “I don’t ever want to stop being friends with you. It’s why I’ve been so douchy. It fucked me off that you wanted to just delete me from your life. Like really fucked me off.” OMG, I didn’t realise that would upset him that much! “I don’t want to do that, that’s the only way I can get over this… I want you in my life but if I can’t have you the way that I want you, I don’t know if I can move on, if the carrot is always dangled in front of me…” His reply infuriates me “Plenty of other carrots to try” I tell him that I don’t want other carrots & he says that he has to go, what a fucking surprise. Before he goes “Just yeah wanna stay friends if we can. But fuckk I love fucking you too. & still work out.” Am I stupid to be considering being friends with him? Can I even be friends with him?

#IBD4U

The following Tuesday I see Noodle again at the gym, at 10:00 pm, we fuck in the backseat, steaming up the car & enjoying the hot sex that has escalated to more passion, if that’s even possible in the back seat of a car since we said I love you. We say it via text every night as we go to sleep & I am really still struggling to believe that I am not going to spend the rest of my life with this man.

I tell him that I am not even sure that I believe that he loves me, I mean how can he? I’m a complete bitch all the time, I’m needy & pissed off. When I say to him one day that I heart him, he says “Oh dear god” with an emoji that I know is a joke but I say that it’s so hard for me to say that to him & he says it back but then adds that he “heart fucking you too” I laugh. I tell him that he’s probably said it everyone so it doesn’t mean anything for him, but it means something for me, being this is the first man I’ve ever said that too. He tells me that I am the third chick ever, which surprises me.

Thanks to my fact checkers the other day, I believe I have never told you this part to the story. I’m sure I hadn’t but wasn’t sure – didn’t want to bore you twice, however it’s kind of an important detail. I can’t really remember when this was in the timeline of the story, however it was long before the L word so probably only like 8-9 months into the affair when Noodle tells me that he has to be extra careful. I ask him why because nothing has happened, I mean I think at this time he still was able to fake his location too. He says that he was on his way home from work, his partner was home so he pulled over to message me a goodbye message as he won’t be back on till she goes to sleep. I literally smile my head off at the fact that he actually pulls over to say a proper goodbye to me & finish up our conversations. These cute things he does & doesn’t tell me, if only he told me this stuff… Anyway, I don’t think much of this, besides how adorable it is, when he tells me that when he got home she questioned why he pulled over & stopped. OH HOLY FUCK. I ask him what he said, he says that just told her he didn’t pull over & that the app must’ve frozen. Oh sweet baby cheeses! She apparently believed it too…. But as if she’s tracking him while he drives home from work!? I don’t understand how she can live like that – always suspicious & I also don’t understand why he is ok with that either. That is no life. I would hate it.

The next day, I am going to Kangaroo Island for a few days for work, so I will have to drive past his house tomorrow on my way, which is kind of exciting for some weird reason. I wonder if it’s just because I know where he lives & what we’ve done there before, perhaps? I don’t know, but I am excited to drive past his house to get to the ferry. While I’m away, Noodle tells me that he is going to the Limp Bizket concert in Adelaide & was going to ask me to go with him. I ask him why he didn’t ask me because I’m not a huge fan of Limp Bizket but I would’ve gone with him, any chance to go somewhere with him. He tells me that he didn’t ask me because he wasn’t sure if his partner would go with him & then he says that I am away anyway. I remind him that I could plan my trips to basically anytime I want, so it pisses me off that he doesn’t know this & goes to the concert alone. I mean I plan my trips to make sure that I am home on Tuesday nights to see him, leaving on Wednesdays mornings! Again, I fucking hate travelling for work. I used to love my job, but now I fucking hate it. I hate being away & he does things that I could do with him & I can’t because I’m fucking away! I hate that he didn’t even ask me to go with him & I could’ve changed this trip to make sure I was home… He’s such a dick, he didn’t want to look like dickhead by asking me & me saying no, so he just didn’t ask. What an actual fuck wit!

I’m on my last day of my trip, I have planned to be home for the gym then I am going to see him at his gym later that night, having not seen him for a few days & really fucking sad that I didn’t get to go to the concert with him last night & he went alone, sending me pictures of the concert, I am a little heartbroken for him that he went alone… During the day I am in a meeting room alone & so sitting there chatting to him when we end up having an argument, he recently got a $10k bonus at work & they go shopping to buy a whole new lounge room suite, a whole fucking suite with couch, buffet, book shelf – the works… They’re about to have a baby & they have a 4 year old, why the fuck would you go out & buy all new furniture that the kids will wreck? & also when they are in a fuck ton of debt? & what’s even more disturbing, why the fuck does this annoy me? It has nothing to do with me, except it does… It makes me realise that he is still in this thing with his partner, not just because of the kids but he actually is making no attempts to leave her. This is like a kick in the guts. They have so much debt & should be paying it off their credit cards which he tells me all the time are in his name, so if he left her, he’d have all the debt. I am being snappy with him because I am fucking gutted & sad.

We are chatting weirdly, but now I am preparing myself for him to pull away once the baby is born, it’s due date is fast approaching, she is unable to move, he’s off work so I assume he’ll start pulling away. He tells me “If you love something set it free. Just don’t forget about me” Fucking hell he pisses me off! I tell him that I have a time frame in my head, I figure that I have about 6 more months that I can do this with him. The baby will be born & if he can’t leave, then I will end it. I’m good with due dates, I am good with limits. I’ve set my quit date! I am going to do it. He says he won’t harass me or hound me or beg for my attention, I know that he’s too stubborn for that, even though he’s also told me that he wouldn’t let me walk away. I tell him that I won’t talk to him at all & he asks “Really? Not even a hi now & then?” I say that I won’t be able too, it’s that like a junkie around the drug? I won’t be able to resist. He says “Hmm, ok. You’d just throw the friendship away too?” but I have to think of myself here “The hardest thing I’ll ever have to do it walk away from this knowing, I was never quite good enough yet again” I am breaking, I feel on the verge of tears & I never cry. “You good enough. Your fucking amazing #IBD4U. Probably the best chick I have ever met. Don’t EVER think your not good enough. The guy that gets you is gonna be one of the luckiest guys on the planet. ” That is just like a stab to the heart, again! He tells me that I have learned a lot from us “How to be a damsel in distress. How to be a great fun loving partner. I may have set you up to succeed better in the future. Don’t get sad. I’m so lucky to have met you.” Yeah lucky to meet me, but you’re not going to spend your life with me! I tell him “I’m trying to be reasonable here. I get you have a baby about to pop out so my timeframe isn’t that soon. But if in a few months if you still feel the same about staying with her. I can’t stick around.” I have to have a plan here. “It’s not you. If I didn’t have kids… Yeah anyway. Wanna still be friends” I don’t think that’s a possibility to be honest. I would love that, but how would that even work? He asks me “Your gonna destroy me aren’t you lol. Easiest way. Just fuck heaps of people & tell me how good they are. That’ll get me running” This guy doesn’t know me at all does he? “I’m the one who’ll be destroyed… Nothing changes for you. You’ll have your family to distract you. You’ll be fine.” He won’t even think about me, I’m sure of that “You do mean a lot to me. It will hurt. A lot. Don’t think it won’t.” I just say that I don’t want to talk about this & that he doesn’t have to see me tonight, when he says “I do wanna see you. Cum see me tonight. I’ll just please you. Give you a hug instead?” OMG. “No, I’ll burst into tears, don’t hug me.” He says “Shit, has stuff really upset you that much? I’m so sorry #IBD4U. argh. Never intended to hurt you. Stay positive… You won’t be alone forever” OMG! Why am I still chatting to him when he says this stuff? Fucking asshat.

He even says to me as I’m boarding the ferry about 3:30 pm, that he’ll let me go & will talk to me later. That just pisses me off even more. I hate that he just logs off & then can go on with his life, while I stew on the fucking fight & the fact I am such a fucking fool. Even more foolish for wanting to still talk to him! The whole way home on the Ferry I am seething. I then have to drive past his place again to get home, hating that I look down the side street to see if his car is around. I assume he’s not going to message me later than night when he is at the gym. I don’t know when we will talk again. I am fuming & upset. I don’t think I have ever been more indirectly hurt by something Noodle has said to me. He doesn’t even understand & I can’t explain it to him.

To my surprise, at 10:30 pm, he messages to ask if I still want to see him tonight. I want to say no, I desperately don’t want to reply. Just pretend I’m offline. I want to stay at home, already in bed… But like the junkie that I am (there is no better word for me right now! I love my reader for giving me that!), I want his arms around me, his reassuring arms around me… So, I get up & head to the gym near his house. As I get there, I reverse in & he gets in the front seat of my car & I think, not this old chestnut, he’s going to have to go, she’s having the baby & I get even more angry… We’ve had a fucked day, he’s not talked to me most of the afternoon, even though I know he could have which pisses me off, but I know he was trying to give me space, but that just left me alone with my own thoughts & made it twice as bad as it was & now he has to go because he’s getting in the front seat. I ask him what he is doing, why he’s in the front seat & he just says I don’t know, he said he wasn’t sure what I wanted. I want his cock inside me. I don’t want to talk to him, I want to connect the way we know how. The only way we really do. Are we just sex to each other? Is this really love? Is this what love it? Because if it is, I’m not sure I want it!

We get out of the car & get in the back. We fuck, me riding him & it’s hot but I am distant, I am feeling like this is the end! I have to fucking end it. I am getting hurt too often to keep this fucking thing going, when that song of his comes on. FUCK! Periscope comes on my Spotify mix & it’s playing as we fuck. He doesn’t say anything & neither do I, I don’t know if he notices, I’m 100% sure he does as he comments on my music choices a lot sometimes, asking what I’m listening too or telling me it’s a good mix. We kiss, a lot during the song, it’s like I want to connect with him while it’s on & so does he, I can feel the distance between us disintegrate & we are really one human being right now. FUUUUUCCCCK!

#IBD4U

Max is still hanging around & even posting things about me on the anonymous app. I’m pretty sure that Noodle is jealous of this because he acts like a complete child & posts back. Max writes that he’s missing me with a picture of a whip, I mean he had his chance with me & blew it. Noodle writes asking if anyone has met me off there as I’m wild in bed. Later Max posts again saying “Oh the things I would do to you if you messaged me” like really, this pissing contest on the anonymous app that we all know we use, is just fucking tiring. Noodle knows I love him, I’m pretty sure Max knows I love Noodle because Sweetie knows now, I had to tell someone.

Noodle asks why I haven’t told my best friend & I explain to him that she was cheated on & when I tried to talk to her about it in the beginning she got very upset with me. So I just lied & said I wasn’t seeing anyone special & never talked to her about it again.

I also went to my bosses wedding & fucking hell I wanted Noodle by my side – I hated being there, in love with someone who couldn’t come because no one knows about them. There was a blatant set up happening & Noodle just doesn’t get why it was so hard for me to reject this perfectly nice guy. “What am I gonna say, I’m in love with a married guy whose wife is days away from giving birth to their second child?!” What would I even say to these people, no one knows I’m even seeing someone! I have kept this one so quiet, which is unlike me, I usually tell everyone my whole life story (Hard to believe that huh! Hahaha) I just tell him that I’ve told basically no one about him because it also allows me to believe the fantasy that we we’ll one day have a life together. If I tell people about him they will tell me what an idiot I am, that he won’t leave his wife & that I need to move on, all things I know but it’s more realistic when it comes from someone else… “How cute you want me to go to your bosses wedding with you” Fuck off, as if I didn’t… “I want to guy I love to go to lots of places with me… that was just an example.” As if he doesn’t think I want him to go to things with me! I am desperate for him to attend events & functions with me. -If you didn’t notice, we also evolved from the love heart love thing. We now say love a bit more. Still not said I love you again but we can at least say the word. “Hahaha, Kinda nice of you to think of me that way tho” I scoff. “You don’t think of me that way cos you’ve already got someone to go to weddings with you. So you don’t get it” He won’t understand how this feels for me, I mean I am always alone thinking of him, while he says he thinks about me when he’s not with me or chatting to me, he’s still got someone to spend time with. “Ummm… I wanted you to be at my side at my bros wedding… Thought about you a lot too… “ OMG! What the fuck… Did he? He avoids the conversation by saying goodnight with a cute emoji & calling me chicken wing. I say “Good night buttercup but this conversation isn’t over” I am not letting him out of that so easily.

Remember when I was in the Riverland, having just taken the morning after pill so I was crazy & Noodle has his brother’s wedding, I thought he was being nuts because his little brother was getting married to someone he didn’t like but now about 2 months later I find out that Noodle wanted me at his brothers wedding, by his side. He fought with his partner probably because she noticed he was being a weirdo, I noticed over texts so imagine what she got. I remember him being distant & not chatting to me, that I thought he was avoiding me. “Definitely wasn’t avoiding you. I really wanted to chat to you that night but you were busy. Made me heaps sad. Had a lot of emotional shit going on.” OMG, because I was out that night, he didn’t message me! He’s a fucking idiot! What is wrong with him!!! “Oh cos you won’t chat to me if you know I’m out… Even though you should & I’ll reply when I can” If only we messaged that weekend, would things be different? He actually tells me that he was ready to leave her that weekend, but I was out & then I was away & was part of the reason why he wanted the hug when I got back but by then it had all blown over with her & so while he wanted to see me, he knew he wasn’t going to leave her. OMG. I hate that I travel for work. I resent the fact that it has potentially ruined my chance of being with Noodle.

Stupid but that isn’t the reason why we aren’t together. I know that if I was there in Adelaide, things probably would be the same, but I can’t help but think what if. & I hate that… What if I was here & he was willing to leave her… Would she let him go so easily? I highly doubt it otherwise she would’ve ended it with him already. FUCK… I hate the what if crap. I hate it & I hate travelling for work! FUCKING HELL.

I am off work this week still, on Thursday Noodle is getting his hair cut at a barber near my house & close to his old work, which apparently can take up to 3 hours, as you can’t make an appointment & the barber is slow. But Noodle gets there early, gets his hair done & is messaging to come get him so we can go back to my place. He needs to be picked up as he can’t fake his location anymore, so he has to leave his phone & car at the barber.

I get stuck in some traffic & he asks when I am & if I’m coming, I can’t reply & as I’m about 6 seconds away I don’t bother, I read it but don’t respond. He then messages instantly saying ‘Please tell me you’re coming’. I have a cheesy grin when I pull up realising that he’s disappointed I might not be coming. I pull up & I see the relief on his face, he kisses me hello & I giggle at the fact that he was worried I wasn’t coming to get him!

I’m wearing a sexy new Honey Birdette purchase, but when we get back to my place he pushes me against my table, running his hand up my dress when he realises I’m wearing something possibly sexy underneath, he asks what I’m wearing while pulling my dress off over my head. I love watching his eyes pop out his head when he sees me in something I bought for him. It’s a hot day & he leaves it on, we fuck hot & heavy, it’s super warm & know my hair is frizzy but I ask him to video some, so in front of the mirror, I get on my knees while he videos me sucking his cock. He doesn’t cum, which is not usual for him to be honest. I drop him back to his car & he kisses me goodbye.

Noodle gets banned again on the chat app & I tell him that if his account is deleted again, that he must change his user name to Noodle Heart #IBD4U, he says what will people think, surprises me that he cares what people think “No I don’t. I love you & don’t care what anyone on here thinks” Jesus, he’s never said it like that before… I say that to him & he tries to back track however, I just laugh & secretly love the fact he does love me & is not willing to say it. However I kind of snap a lot now, I mean we’re having a great convo he’s saying “Your kinda cute & fun to be around tho” but I am in a mood “Just not enough… I know. Story if my life.” I am fucking stupid, I am angry all the time now. “OMG it’s not that. You know my reasons. I’d wife you in a heartbeat if I could.” FUCK what?! Does he mean that? Actually do you know what, this guy could wife me but he choosing not too… I’m still Miss Snappy McSnappyson & can’t help it. He tells me not to overthink things, but surely this guy knows I’m a fucking overthinker & he’s just told me essentially that he wants to marry me! He’s been saying he’ll let me walk away if I found someone else & that I should find someone else, that I get angry at him for saying that but he says “You think I’d just let you walk away? I’m in way too deep emotionally for that now” I don’t believe him, I think he wouldn’t fight for me. He doesn’t even fight for the woman he has. I don’t think this man is strong enough for me. I don’t think he’s strong enough for her. So why can’t I walk away, I could walk away & be happy with someone else, I’m sure… Everyone always says that I’m amazing, but why can’t I?

One night he actually comes back online & says that he doesn’t think she is going to bed anytime soon “She sleeps all day, she stays up late grrr… & I miss you… When she does like last night” I can’t help but swoon, but really, thinking about this, this is fucked! He says he loves me & logs off. Stupidly I am awake when he comes back online & we chat more. Why am I always available for this fucking idiot!?

I see him Monday night at his gym late at night, I have to stay awake to drive there at 11:00 pm. He’s off work being she’s got something wrong with her (I never really ask what, but some kind of pelvic pain & she can’t get dressed by herself – the image of him dressing her actually kills me.) & on bed rest & I am on some leave for study purposes, however all I seem to be doing is going to the gym & chatting to him! This night though, I wear my favorite green panties that he is going to take with him. This is something we’ve talked about, he wants to have a pair of my panties & I want him to have them… Look I won’t lie, in the back of my mind, I secretly want him to have them because I think that this will speed things up with his partner finding out & part of the reason why I wanted him to have them. I also can’t help but wonder if he wants to get caught? He’s too chicken to leave her, but if she leaves him, he can play the woe is me card?! I don’t know… But he takes them anyway, I watch him stuff them in his gym short pockets & it turns me on a lot to head home with no panties. It’s also hot as fuck when a few days later, when Noodle sends me a video, he’s using them to jerk off, cumming all over their carpet! FUCK that’s hot…

I don’t see him again until Friday again at 11:00 pm at the gym. I am making all the effort now. I mean he messages me when he can, of course, which is a lot less being they’re both home, however he tries as hard as he can. But I don’t think he thinks about what he is saying sometimes, because he compares my gut to his gut, which his is bigger but in a different way to me I guess. So I snap & ask him to tone down the honesty “Ahhh Sorry. I find you incredibly hot & beautiful. I’m not that fat… just my gut… Which means your not that fat!” hahaha, god he’s a fucking idiot sometimes! He knows that calling me beautiful gets me every time. He says “Do you not see my eyes when I see you in some sexy ass lingerie. Only one word to describe you. Beautiful” OH FUCK.

On Sunday during the day he says his partner is asleep & I suggest that he download an app that controls my vibrator, he does & we have some virtual play, we can chat & watch on video as he controls it. It’s actually a lot of fun! But of course, half way though the session, yes I’d already cum, but he disappears & I lay there waiting for ages for him to come back online. This reminds me of Dom & how when he’s done he just logs off & disappears. However when he comes back online he says that his son was hovering around & he had to log off. I mean I get it but fuck it’s annoying! Why am I doing this? Later that night I meet him at the gym, because my vagina is angry & in need of some hate sex. Which Noodle obliges as always, fucking me hard, pulling my hair, spanking my ass, fucking my ass & then cumming on my tits. OMG this drug is toxic… Just one more hit… Please!

#IBD4U