For those wanting more Noodle posts, just be aware that he is sprinkled in a lot of the other blogs that I have coming up, as all the stories intertwine. Skipping one will probably confuse you if you just look out for Noodle specific blogs. My advice, is don’t skip over any blogs, because if you want to hear about Noodle, he’s everywhere. Plus lets also find out how my story ends! Hahaha… It can’t get any worse, can it?

What a surprise that Noodle didn’t like Fireman, Noodle was so adamant to our little clique group that he wasn’t a fireman at all. Trying to show us evidence that he wasn’t a fireman – well technically he wasn’t, he was a volunteer with the CFS & was trying to get into the MFS. Fine, good on him, not a lie, but Noodle wouldn’t let it go…. You can probably guess why he was making a fuss – yes because fireman was showing interest in me in the group! Another guy I need to stroke Noodle’s ego about – Great!

I don’t private messaged Fireman for ages, not only because I know that Noodle would act like a douche to him – more than he already did but also because I didn’t want to chat to other people outside of the groups. But when I was in Kangaroo Island, I had that fight with Noodle about his flippant spending & he as at the Limp Bizket concert, I started chatting to Fireman. He was cuteish & seemed like a really decent guy, also single. We were just chatting, wasn’t daily but was most days, I always made him make the effort to be honest to chat to me.

Only 2 weeks after ending with Noodle & during his first lot of radio silence Fireman asked me to catch up with him for a coffee. I didn’t have to tell him about the breakup, he already knew & was basically the only guy pulling me though right now. I still have J-Lo to talk too but he didn’t really ever seen Noodle in action in the groups. Fireman saw what Noodle was like to other guys, including himself. He also saw the message about fucking the shit out of me too…

During one day at work, I was in the same area as Fireman, we were chatting while at work & he says that we should meet, I’m reluctant to meet him, things are still semi unresolved with Noodle, but he’s moving on, so fuck it, I need to move on too!

Fireman xmen.png

I meet Fireman for a coffee during our lunch breaks which seemed to align – I’m not eating still & know I look like shit, a few people have told me I’ve lost too much weight (I wish that were true!) but I always lose it first in my face – why is that when I have a gut to lose, that I lose it from my face first & get told I look to skinny! I wish!

I feel bad about meeting this guy who is seemingly decent, has been super understanding about my situation & I’m fucking using him to get over Noodle. But this guy also knows the whole story as he’s been in the groups long enough to know the gossip. Fuck the gossip is hilarious on this app… Better than Days of Our Lives. Hahaha.

I see him walking over to me in the café, he’s very tall, taller than I was expecting, he’s more Noodle’s height with a almost shaved head, he’s pretty much exactly like his pictures he’s sent. He’s cute, has a cute smile & we hug & kiss on the cheek hello, he pays for my lactose free hot chocolate – the only thing I can stomach right now & even then it it’s a struggle to have anything in my tummy at the moment.

He seems really lovely in real life, we chat easily, again it’s a lot about Noodle, which I can’t help – he asks & you can tell by my face that I am fucking heartbroken. He’s just split from his ex of a few years & has a young daughter with her which is one of the reasons they stayed together for so long. He’s been living with his ex & daughter but in a separate room, which has been hard for him but they decided to keep their daughters life as normal as they can by living together & it seemed to be working for them.

I talk mostly about Noodle again, I can’t even believe that Fireman messages me later that night & asks what I’m doing. Because I’ve lost so much weight in the last few weeks, I need new jeans, so I tell him that I’m heading to the shops to buy new jeans & he says if I want company then he’s free. I think this is a little weird but I agree that he can come jean shopping with me. I mean I was just going to go to the shops & go home. But he meets me at the shops & we go into my favourite jean shop.

Stupidly I start trying on jeans 2 sizes too big, not realising that I am now a size 12 at Jeanswest! I end up buying 2 pairs of jeans & help him pick out 2 pairs, the woman also asks us if we want to share a change room, my thoughts wander because if this was Noodle, I’d totally say yes & fuck him in the change room sneakily… But this is a semi random guy, I’ve only met him for the first time for coffee today, although we’ve been chatting a while now. So we both decline, with an awkward giggle – I think he’s thinking the same thing as me, if our relationship was further along, then we probably would go into the same change room but we don’t & finalise our purchases.

Walking out awkwardly, I realise we’ve been here about 30 minutes & he drove about an hour to get here. I suggest something else, asking if he wants to go to a movie which he says yes too. We go to the movies & the head our separate ways.

The next time I see Fireman is the night after Dom & I fucked… I didn’t want Fireman to be my rebound, but I needed to fuck someone else. I figure that tonight I will probably have sex with Fireman as I am going to his house after a drink with a girl friend. He’s just moved into a new house separate from his ex-partner & has been busy setting up the house which is why I haven’t seen him, it’s totally fine, I am not bothered. His house is in a new estate which is all those houses really close together that all look the same, it’s a long skinny 2 story town house. Brand new & looks good. We sit on the couch with a beer & he puts on a movie. We watch a movie & he lets me cuddle into him on the couch, I’m wearing my new jeans & so is he. My top slides up a bit so he is able to tickle my hip as we cuddle on the couch. We watch a second movie too & I realise that it’s getting late that I leave. As I’m saying goodbye at the door, I lean in to hug him & he kisses me goodbye. We kiss for a while & he isn’t that great of a kisser but I think because I am comparing him to Noodle.

He messages me to tell me that he wishes he kissed me earlier & that I stayed. But being that this guy lives an hour & a half away from me & it’s 1:30 am & I have to be at the Psychic Fair with my friend in the morning, I decide to leave, he messages me on the way home to tell me to message him when I get home. Awww how sweet!


Psychic Fair

One of the first things that everyone says post break up is NOT go to psychic, I even read a breakup book a good work friend gave me that said under no circumstances should you see a psychic post break up.

This I would probably agree with. I can imagine that many psychics tell you what you want to hear… What do I want to hear? That Noodle is going to come back to me. He’s going to realise his mistake & come to me. Do I want to hear that? Do I even want that? He’s hurt me in so many ways that I can’t even think about how pathetic I’d be if he did come crawling back & if I allowed that. Would I be strong enough to refuse him?

However I didn’t want to know the usual thing about love that women probably want to hear, that he will come crawling back to me… I don’t want to know that, I am sure that Noodle will come back to me without a doubt. I am just not sure when he will or for how long or even in what format, but it’s something I know. Something I feel. I know that’s going to happen. Our story isn’t over. I can feel that. Have you ever had that feeling? With Boyfriend, I knew it was the end, I didn’t want to give it up because I was comfortable with him but I knew in my heart of hearts that he wasn’t the one for me. Now I’m not sure if Noodle is the one, I’m not even sure I believe in the one, but I know that this is not the end with Noodle.

I ask a friend if she wants to go to psychic fair with me, I’ve never been before but I want to go, I’m not sure why or what I want to know but I want to go & so does my friend. There is some weird pull for me about this too… It’s like I need to go.

The morning of the psychic fair Noodle fucking messages me on my fetlife account which is just a kinky facebook. Why the fuck does he choose times like this! I hate his timing sometimes. “You finally fucked anyone else yet? You’ll so well now that I’m not holding you back, & you know damn well your a sexy bitch.I think he’s trying to tell me that I should know by now that he was holding me back. I hate that he thinks I need kink to be happy. I enjoy kink, I like kink, I obviously like rough sex but I don’t have to have it.. Fucking hell this man messes with my head! I don’t ever write back to the fetlife message.

Psychic fair look at us.png

I ask my friend how to choose a psychic that I want to do a reading for me & she said I should be drawn to someone, so to speak. We walk around & I see this woman sitting by herself & I tell my friend that I want to see her for a reading.

I sit with her I honestly think this is a bit of bullshit, what am I even doing here, what do I even want to know to be honest?! Until this woman says to me “I know you’ve just changed from weights to cardio & this is a good decision.” WHAT THE FUCK… That’s so specific… But also this freaks me out a little because it is literally what my naturopath had told me to do only 2 nights earlier when I saw her! Trust me, I never would have expected the psychic to be so specific. After that I relaxed with her. I honestly wish I recorded it, because I forget some of the things she actually said to me.

She tells me that I will have 2 ex’s & they will come back into my life & I need to hang up the phone & ignore them. HANG UP THE PHONE! She tells me this several times, looking me right in the eye when she does telling me to tell them they’ve got the wrong number. Yeah I know this is correct, but will I be strong enough?

She also asks me who is T**y. (I can’t write the actual name because it might be significant in my blog one day!) I am like I don’t know any T**y but she tells me that I will meet a T**y next year before my birthday, which I guess is like 18 months away at this point. T**y, he will apparently already have a child – this I am happy about… I will probably meet him though my work, but it will be ok to date him, it won’t need to be a secret. She says that we’ll be happy & that I’ll also be working for myself… (Interestingly 18 months later, I don’t work for myself… I write this blog, but don’t get paid for it!) Finally a man that won’t be a secret! I can’t wait for that day!

I talk to my friend about the fact Noodle hadn’t talked to me expect his stupid message this morning on fetlife that I didn’t reply too. I also want my key back – I need it back for my sanity. She suggests I just go to his work today & get it. I change at home & head confidently to his work, walking around the store trying to find him. I didn’t see his car but hoping that he’s there since I worked up the courage. I ask at the front desk but he’s not at work today… FUCK.

Now after the psychic fair, now every time I see a T**y on any app I’m on, when on tinder or even facebook or in real life, where ever I am, I look at them wondering if they’ll be the T**y I’m supposed to meet & be with… One even adds me on Facebook when I’m in a singles group & I think fuck this could be my guy, however I’m not attracted to him at all & I ignore him.

This name seems to pop up a lot over the next 18 months that I am looking for someone & I can’t believe that none of them I am attracted too. Where is he??


Noodle #49

The 2 weeks following my break up with Noodle are a blur… Like I said I am not functioning, I am constantly thinking about him, about her. I am not having sex (yeah so unlike me!) I am not eating, I am fucking devastated… I have resisted the urge to email him, to text him, to call him, to go see him… I don’t know how I have resisted, but I have… I must fucking love him to be able to stay out of his life for this long without trying to make contact… Not wanting to complicate things for him… Not wanting to ruin his life even more than we have.

However within in the last 2 weeks, I have lost a lot of weight, I haven’t eaten, I haven’t slept, I’ve been going to the gym as that’s the only time I don’t think about him… Actually that’s a lie, I don’t fucking stop thinking about him at the gym either. I never stop.

Noodle still has my house keys, so I stupidly hear a car pull up & think it’s him. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing noises, thinking it’s Noodle sneaking into my house, like he’d done before to fuck me, only this time he’ll be here forever! My hopes are always dashed… Noodle never rocks up at my house. Noodle never uses that key… I need to get it back! I am going insane thinking about him rocking up at my house… I need it back…

I decide to email him. I antagonise about what to say, I spend a few days writing it… (I was going to post the whole email in this blog, but I have decided that it’s too personal. Weidly being you know eveything about me. Hahaha.) I actually pour my heart out to this guy, telling him that I don’t write to change his mind but that I want him to know some things that have been bothering me. I apologise for being so irrational in our final moments, I snapped & told him he was a fuckwit, yet next minute I was begging him to be with me. That was fucking dumb. I tell him about the fantasies I had about marrying him, living with him & waking up next to him everyday. I tell him that even though I never told him that much, I did think about a future with him, a future I could only dream of.

I call him out for lying to her still & trivialising what we had by saying it was only 3 months. That fucking hurts me, but he’s always been honest with me, so he was telling me that to be honest, not to hurt me. But it makes me feel so insignificant. How can this man have loved me like I loved him if he is willing to just act like he didn’t love me to someone else?!

I sign off

“Thank you for being my best friend.

Thank you for unleashing my inner sexual goddess (as you used to say).

Thank you for looking at me like I am the sexiset thing you’ve ever seen & making me feel so sexy.

Thank you for teaching me to love.

Thank you for loving me.

While I don’t think our story is over, it’s with a very heavy heart, I hearby end the Noodle vs #IBD4U Agreement 2018.

I love you.”

I don’t expect a reply, I don’t even know if he’s looking at the cheating email anymore… But I feel good for getting it all off my chest. I have out it all out there, I have bared my heart & soul to this man & like I said, it’s not because I want him to change his mind, but I need him to know. I know he’s probably sitting there thinking he is not good enough for me, that he is not that great. But I need him to know what I think of him, without him being able to rebuff what I say. An email is the perfect way for that.

I am going nuts though, when I don’t get a reply a few days later, so I finally snap & send him an actual text to his phone, when I know he is at work & can delete it. “I’m going crazy not talking… Can you please find a way?”

Noodle missing ring.png

A few days later, he emails me & tells me that he’ll reply when he can & that he’ll put the chat app on his phone over the weekend at work to chat to me. I am finally relieved, that I may get some answers, be able to tell him some things.

When he finally does return to the chat app, his profile picture is a black dot. I ask him what that’s all about about he says that he’s scared his partner is going to go on the chat app. He tells me that he told her we met at the gym so she doesn’t know he was on the chat app. I explain that she’s more likely to call me on my work number than try to find me on the chat app. Surely?! “Umm guys have allready asked her if she’s on the chat app” Guys?! What the fuck? Guys? What guys?! I ask what he means & he is WAY too honest with me “Kinda in an open now… Guys from a site.” WHAT?! He tells me that he’s given her permission to see some guy tonight. My stomach heaves! A fucking open relationship!? Is he fucking kidding me! “Just when I thought you couldn’t hurt me anymore…” Tears start rolling down my face… “Sorry but yeah, the reason why I have no pfp” I can’t help myself, I am a true masochist. “So you’re going to start seeing other women now?” I am still madly in love with this man, spilled my guts out in an email, which he didn’t respond too as such yet & he’s going to be fucking other women while his partner is out fucking other men? Only a few weeks ago she’d not even ever cum with him! Now they’re in a open relationship?! OMG… I can’t even cope! This is fucked… I am gutted.. I am shattered… “That’s the goal. Maybe you too again. Was hoping to see you again.” Really Noodle?! He then proceeds to tell me that she’s just sent him a picture of her sucking a guys dick, she even tells Noodle that his cock is a decent size & he believes her… I used to have to reassure him about his cock size all the fucking time, now she sees one dude & he believes her about his cock?! This is fucked up… This is fucking killing me… I can barely see from the tears streaming down my face. I am heart broken & he’s getting dick sucking pictures from his partner. OMG… He tells me she found a dude on a site & is with him right now. He says that’s its really quick & surprised him heaps. I can’t help but hide that I am shattered by this “I just hope you’re not so quick to find someone on a site.” I can’t even cope with this right now. “I want you, you twat. That’s why I’m trying for an open relationship.” Does he think that I can see him again? Or be happy being the second priority again? I stupidly ask him if she’s cum with him yet & when he says no comment, I can’t stop myself. He tells me that she’s a proper squirter (which I said at the fucking beginning…) He tells me that she’s let’s him cum on her face & loves it. He tells me that he can degrade me more though but she’s asked him to choke her when he gets home from work tonight! It’s Tuesday night, our usual night… FUCK… I cannot believe this! I curse the fact that we have a fucking honest friendship… I hate that he’s not sparing my feelings at all, but also sort of thankful that he is telling me what is going on, because it’s dashing all my hopes that they will break up & I will be with him.

He tells me she’s asked to buy lingerie but he tells me that my body is better than hers. She was so jealous that I orgasmed with him, which is why she now cums for him all the time… It was apparently the first thing she asked about our affair, if I came or not. He’s being way too honest, tells me he tried to fuck her ass but it’s too tight so they’re going to buy some butt plugs & that she’s rimmed him. FUCK!

He logs off & I am now driving my car to my sisters howling, I can’t even deal with this right now. I rock up on her door step without any messages or warning. Her husband opens the door & tkes one look at me & worriedly says my sisters name in a way that makes her jump out of her couch. The kids look at me like I’m a fucking nut case rocking up at their door unable to control my crying… I feel like a fucking wanker. I have not been online, not been chatting, not having sex because I am so fucking sad, so heartbroken about this fucking ending & here’s Noodle trolling online for a fucking open relationship. He can not love me the same way as I loved him… My sister is amazing though, I am forever thankful for her just listening to my sobs as my stomach heaves. I feel bad for her having to explain to her 5 year old why his aunty rocked up at their door howling.

I don’t sleep.

I don’t eat.

I cannot stop thinking about them fucking.

My heart is breaking all over again. I know those who were against this say I am getting what a deserved. But this is beyond what I deserve… I hate how honest he is. He’s a fucking prick to me right now. OMG, you cannot understand the pain I am in right now from these revelations!

The next morning at 6:30 am, I’ve barely slept a wink when I hear the tell tale sound of the vibrations of the chat app. I pick it up & see Noodle has messaged me “Morning. Sorry from now on I won’t talk about my sex life. Kinda was a douche without realizing” Well at least he realises that. I tell him that I haven’t slept a wink “I was holding out hope things were shit for you. Now I realise they’re not, I wish I never sent you that email… Feel like a fool.” I fucking wish I could turn back time right now… FUCKING HELL, what a wanker! “Your not a fool… I’m super proud of the things I did for you. I had similar fantasies. Just yeah the kids were the x factor. Things have been rocky. Trust me.” I can’t even believe that he’s saying these things sometimes… “I’ve spent the last 2 weeks crying, not sleeping, not eating & speaking to a psychologist cos I’m not ok , but things have been rocky but you’re getting everything you wanted… So yeah I’m a fool…” An epic fool!

I’m waiting for Noodle to reply when I get a couple of messages from other people on the chat app. I am too invested in what Noodle is saying to me that I almost don’t check them. However there is a screenshot of something Noodle has said in a group I’m not in. “Yeah if you turds didn’t work it out, I was fucking the shit out of #IBD4U. Seems common knowledge on the chat app now.” Someone sticks up for me in the group which I appreciate… “I will always be a dick & a prick… & If you guys were wondering, it was my cum on her face.” I read the screenshots, sent to me by several people in that group & kind of laugh… WHAT A FUCKING COCK FACE… I know he’s done it because he was dying to tell everyone on the chat app that he was fucking me. I mean I wanted to tell everyone too but I never would disrespect him like that… I ask him if he’s trying to hurt me. He said it wasn’t supposed to hurt me & then says “Wow that got back to you quick” I think Noodle forgets that I’m in about 20 or so of the groups, I own about 10 of them. People are loyal to me on there & he’s probably only been tolerated for as long as he has because of me… You know, cool by association. He was always a dick to everyone that there was a great divide on the app because of him. I tell him I got several copies of a screenshot from different people. “Haha Wow. It felt good to say it. Wanted to for a long time. I was fucking you…” I tell him that I never stopped him & he’s a fucking idiot for saying it now after telling me his partner is being asked for her chat app account. Won’t be long & she’ll be on there, that will be the end of him if she meets the wrong people on there… “I’m not proud of hurting you. I’m not proud of upsetting you. Or how things have ended. But I’m proud to have made you love. & to feel loved. Something you had never felt. Your an amazing woman.” Oh fuck off.

I tell Noodle that I haven’t fucked anyone else & I am not going to wait around for him to be in a fully open relationship to see me again when he says “I actual assumed you would of fucked other people by now. You have no issues getting offers. Guess you have even surprised me how much you felt for me. You were more than a FWB to me. I now consider you an ex GF… not a FWB” Fuck is he now my ex boyfriend…?! I remind him that he never believed me & never realised how deep my feelings were for him. I mean that’s partly my fault, I never fucking said it to him. But he tells me that holding his daughter the night it went down, she is only a few weeks old, that he couldn’t leave. I tell him that I love him & he tells me we had an online relationship, but he liked what we had & got jealous because he didn’t want to share me… This doesn’t make sense to me why he’s willing to share his partner now?! I tell him that it was more than an online relationship for me. He asks “Why didn’t we ever discuss this?” I don’t know why “Because I didn’t know you felt that way” He replies as I’m waiting to see my psychologist (who is the world’s biggest square, I swear he’s getting off on my story! Hahaha) “We definitely should of discussed some stuff.” Yeah I agree “I didn’t know you felt that way that we were only online. I tried to do more things I suggested kayaking, movies, gym, shopping & I was so pissed I was away for the limp bizket concert. We had so little time together. But we had started hanging out more… I never considered you an online relationship. Never realised that’s all you thought of me.” My message sits at unread… “I even thought about how we could still use the chat app if we were in a relationship for all the cheeky messages.” Why am I still trying to entice this man to be with me? He logs off & never logs back in… Not this old chestnut.

I go insane, not thinking they are breaking up now but thinking about their epic sex – anal, cum & 3sums. I mean what the fuck does he need me for now?!

I actually feel my broken heart crack into more pieces.


Dom Dom #2

So this guy… Dom Dom – Well he comes & goes over the year I am with Noodle. This is a bit of a flashback blog post – Remember when I said there was a guy I went for a coffee with & I couldn’t remember who it was? It was actually Dom Dom, which is great that I had written this because otherwise we may never know what happened at that “coffee” date. However, I probably should’ve posted this before. So we’re flashing back right now to that coffee date. But also we flash forward too because it’s not long enough for a whole post on its own… Stick with me, it’ll make sense.

I never give Dom Dom too much of my time because of the way he treats me… Always on his terms, always when he’s free – he literally only messages every few days & then disappears… I’ve just spent a year with a guy I fell in love with doing the same, I mean, do I want to get sucked into that with this guy again? We talk a lot & sometimes have sort of phone sex or send pictures, not as much as I used to being that I am with Noodle & I really don’t want to jeopardise that.

However one day when I am on holidays, Noodle is also on holidays but playing his game of I’m not chatting for hours on end, that Dom Dom is messaging & says that he’s finished work that I should give him my address & he’ll come over. I tell him that I am not in the mood to see him, which is true & I am in gym gear, sweaty from the gym but he keeps persisting. He says that we won’t do anything (yeah right!) but he wants to meet me… I am so pissed off with Noodle right now that I am typing out my address before I can stop myself. Dom Dom says he’s on his way, he’ll be 40 minutes. I consider having a shower but I think fuck it, this guy can meet me as I am. I need to see other people, I’ve told Noodle at this point that I am seeing other people. So fuck him.

I see Dom pull up & he has the same car as Noodle, FUCK. It scares me a bit, I think it is Noodle. A similar height guy gets out the car but he’s fairer than Noodle, so my heart stops pounding so hard when I realise it’s not Noodle but I still have to do a double take because they have a similar build, Dom Dom is probably a bit bigger than Noodle, but they are basically the same height, I can’t help but think, Fuck I really do have a type!

He looks smart in his trousers & shirt with a jacket, a bit formal I think but he has just come from work – it’s a suit & he looks good. I think I fucking should’ve showered. I’ve probably been talking to this guy on & off for 2+ years at this point & this is the first time we’re meeting face to face & I look like shit when he looks good!? FUCK… He knocks on the door leaning on the bricks with his hands in his pockets & I feel teeny tiny with him. He may even be a little taller than Noodle, he comes inside & we sit on the couch, I offer him a drink.

We talk about bullshit & mostly guys I’m fucking. He’s always keen to hear my stories about who I’m fucking & likes the details. This guy has seen me naked via video chat like a hundred times, but I’ve never felt more vulnerable than I do with him right now. I know I would want to fuck this guy – he has some weird pull on me too, not quite th same as Noodle, no one has a pull on me like Noodle does. I know Dom Dom wants to fuck me, that’s a given, why else would he drive 40 minutes to see me? Is it just married men that have that pull on me or is it their dominance & stature that draw me in? I mean Noodle is like my Edward Cullen from Twilight but Dom Dom is like my Jacob Black… I am stupidly addicted to both in very different ways, one more than the other, but fuck, I never thought of it like that before! Hahaha… (Yeah I love twilight btw!)

Dom Dom asks me to show him my toys, I know this isn’t a good idea but we go into my bedroom, I sit on the edge of the bed & open the draw of my bedside table to show him what’s in there. There are a lot of vibes & lotions, some other toys… He starts rubbing himself & I think fuck, I do want to do something with this guy but Noodle is in my head. I want this to be Noodle standing in front of me. I hate that. I feel sorry for him that Noodle is on my mind. But he doesn’t seem to notice; he unzips his fly & pulls out his cock. Obviously I’m very familiar with it over video chat, but in real life, at the height he is, right now, he’s basically at the perfect sucking height right now… I do think maybe I should suck it, that’s not that bad, is it? But I don’t. I don’t know how I restrain myself but I do. I don’t even touch it… I want too but I am now 100% loyal to Noodle, even though he’s treating me like an option right now & I said I would see other people, I don’t want to fuck things up. I know how jealous Noodle gets.

So fast forward a little to a few weeks after it ended with Noodle, Dom Dom & I talk on & off but we kind of back off a lot. I am totally still in love with Noodle & things are a bit better. But when that all comes crumbling down around me about Noodle & I know the things I know about Noodle & his partner, I need sex with someone else… I was waiting to fuck other people because I always thought Noodle would come back to me, but fuck it, I need to move on to stop picturing Noodle when I make myself cum – which hasn’t been that often either. FUCK. I’m actually also chatting to a guy from the anonymous app who is coming over tonight – a guy who you’ll read about soon (Crows), but when Crows tells me he’s not entirely single I think FFS, so he’s not going to be the distraction I need, so when Dom Dom says he’s home & that I should come over, I reluctantly agree…

Rob Rob Cheating mistakes.png

I rock up at his house, wearing some sexy lingerie & a dress, I know he will appreciate what I look like… When he opens the door, I forgot how tall he is, I feel like an actual midget, even though I am in heels too. We walk in the door & he’s kissing me right away, this is the first man to kiss me since Noodle. It feels weird, but at least he’s a good kisser, he pushes me into a room which I am hoping it’s not their bedroom, I can’t really tell but there are clothes in the wardrobe & it does seem like a woman lives here – He tells me later it’s their spare room. I can’t believe that I am fucking another married guy, did I not learn my lesson? I mean there is no way I could fall for Dom Dom, he has kept the boundaries, I mean I don’t even think he knows my real name! (even to this day I don’t think he knows!)

He lifts my dress off over my head & then I am standing in my wedges & lingerie feeling anything but sexy. He looks at me with reassurance, pushing me to my knees to suck his cock, which I do & he calls me a good girl. I cringe because I used to hate it when a guy would call me that, but Dom Dom actually got me used to it in the beginning & within a few months with Noodle, he made me love it. I cringe because it’s the first time I’ve heard it since Noodle & it’s not from Noodle. Weirdly these 2 guys have a similar cock & he fits in my mouth, I like sucking a mans dick, so I enjoy him forcing himself in my mouth. He gets naked & pushes me on the bed, I lay there wondering if I can go through with this, but I look at him & realise I do want it. I just weirdly feel like I am cheating on Noodle with this guy. However, I must remember it is now over with Noodle, he is having crazy hot sexy with his partner that he used to have with me. I am clearly just a distant memory to the man I am so deeply in love with.

I obviously have to bring a condom with me, which is ok because clearly he won’t have any & mine are latex free ones, I prefer to use anyway… He fucks me for a while with him on top before we switch it up & I’m on top of him, riding his cock & rubbing my clit I actually cum while riding him – which surprises me, I didn’t think I would be able to cum with him but I do…. He tells me that he’s never cum with a condom on ever… Really ever? Surely not… But I mean that was pretty hot sex, of course he was going to cum. I mean, nothing compares to the sex I had with Noodle, but at least it was good!

Dom Dom & I don’t really talk much for a while & I never catch up with him again. He does his disappearing act as usual for weeks on end, I refuse to message him first as my usual thing. But then when he comes back online, he tells me that he & his wife have started swinging, that she fucked someone else! WTF dude! I really hate that I seem to just always be a fluffer for these men! I don’t know why this hurts me so much, but I feel like shit when he tells me. Again we stop talking for weeks maybe months. I am still reeling about Noodle, but now this woman is giving her partner what he wants, so I am no longer needed, even as a friend… I feel so used TBH. I am redundant with my own sex life!?


Noodle #48

I can almost hear the list of lies Noodle is telling her now to save his family. The list of lies is to stop her from kicking him out, keeping his kids from him. The list isn’t designed to hurt me or any mistress, but I can tell you that it fucking kills me to think about what he’s saying, I don’t even need him to confirm what he’s said, I already know it.

  • It was just sex
  • It meant nothing, she means nothing to me
  • I didn’t mean to hurt you
  • I’m not in love with her, I love you
  • It was just one time (or shortened the time to less than it was, maybe months)
  • It’s over – I won’t see her again
  • I made a mistake
  • I’m sorry

I’m almost certain that he’s also telling her that I’m crazy & obsessed with him, I gave him the panties to get him into trouble. I bet he’s not telling her all the details – I mean I don’t want to her to know that I’ve been to their house & that I’ve fucked him in their bed but she deserves to know the whole truth. I reckon he may have even told her that he tried to end it with me, perhaps that I threatened to tell her, so he kept seeing me? I know he’s telling her how much he loves her, how stupid he is, that he doesn’t want to lose his family.

I get I have totally fucked up here & someone got hurt other than me, some of you even think I am getting what I deserve… But you also have to remember, I am single, I’m allowed to be online trolling for men… I just never expected to fall in love with a partnered man who was trolling online for something too. I am not proud of what I did or how things happened, but I wasn’t expecting to be in absolute agony thinking about what he’s saying to her. He’s been with her for 10+ years, I get it. We’ve only had a year together, we’ve both had our guards up most of the time, not letting each other see the real us. I was never going to be the winner here (if there even is a winner).

I wish he would talk to me. I fucking hate that I have no way to contact him & now she knows, I can’t send a text, she’s probably got his phone. I have no idea what is happening & it kills me, if he leaving her, is she kicking him out? Are they working it out? He’s so fucking lucky that I respect him enough not to cause drama, I mean I know where they live, his phone number & where they both work. I could cause so much shit trying to get in contact with him… I want to talk to him. I want to know what is going on. I keep looking out the window every time I hear a car drive past, thinking he’s going to be on my doorstep any minute. I hope for that. I want that. FUCK, I want that so bad.

But his silence today is speaking louder than his words. He’s staying with her. She’s forgiven him for what he did, probably because of the lies & I’m sure she’s believing them, because she wants to save her family too. I don’t blame her for that, hell, I don’t blame him for that either… I think anyone who is told that list of things whether you’re male or female, you know it’s just a line, like ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ or ‘I’m not ready for a serious relationship’ all those bullshit lines people use… These lies are the same, but it works.

For the first time in 14 months, I don’t hear from Noodle on the Sunday, the first day we haven’t spoken… I cry at my family dinner when my brother asks me how I am, just as general question & I can’t look at the family, they have no idea what is going on. They don’t get what is happening, but they are supportive. My mum even stays after everyone has left to find out what is happening. I spill the beans to her. This is something I never shared but my dad cheated on my mum & my mum chose to stay with my dad. I was in my early 20’s so it wasn’t for the kids. But when I say things I know it stings my mum, however she is a wonderful support for me.

I am numb.

I am speechless.

My tummy churns.

I am going insane.

I resist the urge to text him not wanting to make it worse. He loves me, he says he loves her – but like a sister. He told me that he gets angry with his family when he can’t log on the app & talk to me. He get jealous when other men talk to me. He will see the light. He will choose me… Fucking hell this is torture. As if he’s going to choose me! We’ve barely had any time together, we were just getting to a point of being more open & we were actually spending more time talking – it was never just sex with him. We were friends for months first. It wasn’t supposed to be love, but we have undeniable chemistry. Even Sweetie saw it in person, others saw it online.

My family have no idea what is wrong with me, I am like a disconnected shell of a person, I can’t tell them, I mean they don’t even know about Noodle. No one knows that I’ve even been seeing someone, my sister knows a bit but not the extent of our feelings.

I am not present.

I am a zombie.

I don’t sleep.

Am I even functioning?

Noodle intentions character.png

I of course message him before I got to sleep Sunday night at 7:45 pm “I hate that you haven’t been online to talk to me. I get it but I hate it. I’m constantly thinking the worst case scenario for me & haven’t slept since I got your message on Friday night, in the hopes that you’d come over, even thought you’d be here last night (silly fantasy of getting to sleep next to you all night). I’ve been crying all day today including while my family was here tonight, because I am optimistic one minute then pessimistic the next. So I’ve taken some sleeping tablets cos I have to sleep tonight. But if you need me you have a key. I miss you xxx.” but he never logs onto the app – it’s the first day we haven’t had a conversation.

I sleep that night thanks to the sleeping tablets but not very well, I wake up looking at the chat app multiple times waiting for the greyed out d to turn into a dark d that he’s online & then an R that he’s read my message… But it never happens.

When Noodle finally messages me on Monday morning at 7:15 am, while I am getting ready for work, he tells me without telling me in so many words that he is staying with her, Shit #IBD4U. It’s been a very tough weekend for me mentally & TBH I’ve avoided being online because I don’t want to say goodbye to you.” FUCK! He’s staying with her… I get angry & say “So you wait till now when I have to go to work?” What a fucking ass!!! He says that he felt like I deserved a message, I tell him that he’s making a giant mistake & he says “I know… I imagine a life so much better with you too… My kids tho…” He tells me what a burden he’d be with his kids & debt. Does he not realise, that he couldn’t be a burden, this is our time. This is our time to have an epic love story.

It’s almost surreal, I can’t fucking believe he waited till I was getting ready for work to tell me that he’s staying with her… He tells me that he packed up his stuff in the car on the weekend ready to come to my house but she got so drunk he couldn’t leave the kids with her. I tell him that my house is always safe for him & the kids, he could’ve come over with them. He knows I don’t want kids of my own so he just assumes I hate kids. Quite the contrary, I love kids, I am just not prepared to give up myself to give birth, I am selfish & I have never wanted to be a mum, but I do want kids in my life which is why I am so happy to have my Nieces & Nephews & now I could potentially have Noodles kids in my life. The prospect of that is exciting actually. I wish he messaged me on the weekend, I would’ve given him the reassurance that he could come to my house anytime, with the kids.

We fight about it for about an hour, until I just say bye. He writes “I’m so sorry #IBD4U. We obviously can’t continue the relationship side of things & that’s what we had… I don’t wanna say goodbye. Your amazing woman #IBD4U, you have been my best friend, so caring & an amazing lover. & it was only my children that lead me to my decision. I will always love you & there will always be a place in my heart for you. I’m sorry that it got this far.” OH fuck off… Is he kidding me? I tell him to shut up. He tells me that he doesn’t want it to end badly with me, but I can’t help how angry I am “The whole thing is fucked. I’ve had butterflies about you & how I’m going to tell you. I fucking hate how much I love you sometimes.” I tell him what an epic mistake he’s making & that he’ll regret it. “I know & for the first time this weekend I’m tearing up. Still not crying but yeah. You will always have a place in my heart #IBD4U. I’m sorry for hurting you. Didn’t want to ghost you tho. Not sure you want to leave the lines open for communication after all this.” I tell him he’s ending it with the wrong woman & that he’s going to regret his decision. He says “My wife has stupidly forgiven me for some reason. She’s even offered to have a 3sum with you Wtf?” Yeah no fucking way that will EVER happen! & so obvious why she wants to do that to compare me & show him how sexy she can be. “But yeah, you’re probably the better choice” Yeah we both know I am the better choice, but he has to live with this decision. I ask him what he told her “Nothing in detail. Didn’t tell her I loved you or had feelings for you. Think she still suspects it. Because she knew I was so close to leaving & knew I was going to you. I told her it was 3 months” OMG “So you’re still lying to her” That poor fucking woman… Forgiving him on lies… He tells me “I worked out if I kept the car, all the debt & the house we’d be even. Yeah didn’t want to be burden either. I’ve thought about it a lot this weekend. & how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” Fuck that hurts… he has made our epic love story so trivial. Desintingrated to 3 months. The love of my life just shattered to a 3 month affair… He that he wasn’t unhappy & that he loves her too “But TBH I love you more. I hate the idea of saying goodbye for good. I’m so sorry #IBD4U. Goodbye for now. I will always love you.” OMG… I am fucking broken… so I message back “I don’t want the last time we saw each other to be the last time… When you’re back at work please meet me for lunch. I’ll get my keys (assuming my undies are gone) & you can have your name badges & xmas presents back.”

Noodle never reads my last message – fucking asshole! He logs off & never logs back on, I hate that he’s got that control. I hate that I don’t try to contact him via his mobile number… Why don’t I just text the cunt & fuck up his life more?! ARGH… So when I get to work, I email him my phone number, I’m not really sure why, but I figure he’s going to get off the chat app. He leaves all the groups except one without saying goodbye to anyone & they all turn to me for answers. Fuck you Noodle for doing that!

The next 2 weeks are a blur, I am somehow functioning at work however I am not eating at all. I can’t eat. My stomach heaves at me when I think about food. Those who notice (Thank you) try to make me eat… I just can’t. I think of him with everything I do… I think about the fact they probably aren’t having sex, that she’s being a complete bitch to him… Even when I brush my teeth, my fucking electric toothbrush reminds me of him. I buy a regular toothbrush & hide the fucking electric one in the cupboard like a douche. There is his Listerine & Rexona in my cupboard, I can’t look at it – but I see it every time I open the fucking bathroom cupboard door. I tip it down the sink & give the Rexona to my brother saying “don’t wear this around me.” Everything reminds me of him, I look in my pantry – even though I haven’t eaten in days & see anything with the word protein on it & I think of him… FUCK!

I think about him daily, I wake up all through the night thinking about him – I do not sleep or eat well for weeks… Checking the chat app for messages from him. Staring at my phone willing him to message me… Tossing & turning all night… I am destroyed… I don’t need you to tell me I got what I deserved, I am 100% aware of what I did & what was going to happen…

I am constantly thinking about what has happened, what they’re going through, if she’s completely shutting him out. I wonder about how she found my panties, where were they? Were they in his gym bag? Why would he leave them in his gym bag? Why didn’t he hide them in his wheel arch in the car like he hid my Christmas present? Why didn’t he give them back to me, did he want to get caught? FUCKING HELL THIS IS TORTURE. I need some answers & at this rate, I feel like I am never going to get any at all… I hate this. I hate that I am barely functioning, I hate that I am falling apart. I’m trying to hold it together, but I never have a poker face. Everyone knows there is something wrong with me & again, I can’t really tell anyone what is going on because no one even knew I was seeing someone, let alone a married man.


Mixed Bag #5 – Alaska, Twister & 21st

Here is the fifth installment of the mixed bag series… Do we like these mixed bags? I feel like I have way too many dating stories! Hahaha…



While living in Canada, I did a bit of travelling across the USA. I decided that I want to go to New York, Seattle & Alaska. However towards the end of the trip of 6 months backpacking, I couldn’t afford to go to Alaska, so my wonderful sister lent me some money to buy the plane fare.

Everywhere I had been so far, I got off the plane on to a bus or in a taxi to the hotel at the airport, however Anchorage is pretty much like flying into a tiny country town where there is no life. It was the middle of winter & as everyone scurried out to their cars or their pickups, the doors locked loudly behind me, like it was the only plane that flew into this town & I stood there looking around for a bus stop or a taxi stand. Finding neither, I start to panic, it’s freezing & I’m not sure that it’s going to be light very much longer – not knowing that it stays light until like 10pm here, so that was going to be the least of my worries.

I have an Australian mobile & a Canadian mobile, this is really before the days of internet on your phone too, so I couldn’t google a taxi number or even how to get to the hotel if I walked, so I was fucked! Standing there, I burst into tears not knowing what to do! When I hear a noise, a bus, it seems to be driving past, but then pulls up, the driver gets out & asks me what I am doing? I say waiting for a bus or taxi, he says there aren’t any & tells me to get on his bus. I do so, not thinking about being murdered, there are others on the bus & he helps me with my massive backpack. I have never been more thankful for a good samaritan, he takes me into the town & it’s a bit more lively than the airport. He tells me that there is the bus I need to get to the hotel & as I get off it drives off, the driver tries to radio it, but he can’t. I thank him profusely & let him go saying I’ll just catch a taxi. I jump into a taxi & finally get to the hotel. A shared bedroom thing with bunk beds, pretty much what I’d been living in the whole time.

An older lady is in my room, who I remember giving a pair of jeans too that no longer fitted me as I’d been walking so much that I’d lost some weight. She asks if I want to go to a pub with her & some guys that she knows from the hotel. I agree thinking that this will be a fun night out & I’m not really sure what else I’m going to do in this place.

We walk to the pub & I get a drink. The guys & woman get a drink too but something happens & a fight breaks out. What the fuck. Tables are going everywhere, chairs are being thrown across the room, I even watch a fucking fridge get knocked over & I’m not even sure what started it or why it is happening but all I remember is the song that’s on the juke box, that probably ended up smashed was All American Rejects – Gives you hell

Every time I hear that song I am taken back to that evening in the pub with only one woman behind the bar trying to wrangle in these men that are just trashing the place. What was it even about & why did it get so violent. The woman behind the bar is screaming about not calling the cops as I find out later they will be shut down because this bar has too much fighting in it… Oh holy fuck! Time to get out…

I slip out the door quietly, basically walking as fast as my little legs will carry me back to the dorm room, freaking out. A little while later the woman comes back with the 2 guys & they apologise trying to get me to go somewhere else with them but I refuse & say that I am going to go to sleep now but that I have a lot of things to do while I’m in Alaska – What a fucking lie. I can’t find anything to do in this town. I end up on a whale watching tour & see Orca’s in the wild, the most amazing thing to ever happen to me!! & I hire a car & drive around seeing some beautiful country side. But I’ll never forget that fight, I may have a bit of PTSD every time I hear that song or whenever someone starts a fight somewhere…

Mixed bag what if.png


I met this younger guy on the anonymous app that I was using a lot for just chatting but I used to meet a lot of guys on there… this guy what a surprise was younger than me, as is every guy that app, because it’s designed for teenagers! Hahaha. We talk for a while & I don’t really engage in much because he’s so much younger, but some how we decide that we should meet & play games…

Like I’m in my mid 30’s & going to meet this guy to play a fucking game… So I buy twister as that seems to be the joke that we keep talking about , strip twister. I am not sure I’m going to be able to go through with naked twister with someone I don’t know but I will give it a try.

I have spent ages getting ready, I look amazing actually, with a new short haircut, I invite him over & we sit & talk. But it’s weird he says some odd things, like about my age & his age (like he didn’t know how old we were!?) that I think I am never going to fuck this guy. In fact we never even play twister. It actually never comes out of the box but this is a lesson why you meet people early on in the chat because you get attached, have a great chat & think there is a connection then they turn out to be a weirdo!


My 21st birthday was a night to remember, not that I remember it because what do you know, I was smashed drunk! We went to nightclub on the actual Thursday night of my birthday & everyone is buying me drinks. I am getting so drunk as usual when I was that age. This is even around the time I was good friends with Italian because he was there too with other friends.

Somehow on the dance floor, there are 3 men dancing with me. Some of my other friends are just standing around watching this all unfold! FUCK…

So these 3 guys all kiss me, I pash them all, taking in turns of kissing each one, like a fucking idiot! What the hell am I doing? But fuck this is really fun!

I don’t remember the evening very well, but friends remind me of the time when I kissed 3 guys in a circle on the dance floor… But lets not forget, you only turn 21 once! Hahaha…


Noodle #47

My euphoria is short lived. Noodle obviously has to go home to his real life & my fantasy life is over. I drive home in a sex haze bliss though, I am definitely in this for another year. I’m sure he’ll leave once the baby is a bit older. I can’t even believe I am telling myself this to be honest, as if he’s ever going to leave but I somehow convince myself to believe it – my friend believes it, I should too. I am going to make this work, I love this man, I want to make it work. I want this man more than I’ve ever wanted anything before & this happens to be the only way I can have him right now, so I am willing to compromise for a little bit longer. I now have the support of my friend so no matter what happens, I have support…

However Noodle is at it again, not coming back online at night, taking over 12 hours to reply to me, reading my messages but then not replying. I am gutted. I am shattered. Can I do this for another year? I mean when he goes back to work he’ll be able to message more & I won’t feel so neglected or foolish. But I just have to get through these next few weeks. I just have to get through the next few weeks. I just have to get through the next few weeks. Yes I know I am repeating myself, but I really just have to wait till he’s back at work!

But when he does come back online one night, we’re talking to each other in a tone, I’m upset, I feel like I have every right to be upset that he hasn’t been putting in the effort. Maybe I’m being crazy maybe I’m being too needy or have unrealistic expectations but I feel like that this guy can message me more than he is & that he doesn’t just “fall asleep” when we say good night tonight, all I write is GN. I am done with this.

The next morning he says “Morning if you care” OMG is he serious? “Morning if YOU care!” Really?! “I do care. Surprised you didn’t say GM to me” Yeah right Noodle. “What’s wrong with GN. At least I have the decency to tell you I’m going to sleep” Fuck I hate being in this mood. We constantly fight over the fact that he never chats to me at night anymore or says good night – he doesn’t even say heart emoji you anymore. I mean not this old chest nut again!? I can’t help it. I am staying awake till after midnight every night waiting for him to come back online & he never does. Then I can’t sleep because I’m waiting for him to come back online, then when he doesn’t, I feel like the idiot, then wake up grumpy from lack of sleep. Nothing changes for him though of course, he doesn’t even know that I am lying there awake waiting. Hoping he’ll tell me that he’s at the gym so I can come visit or even just to fucking talk to me about my day… I tell him again that I don’t want to be an obligation but I am sick of this shit… But when Noodle says “I’d kiss you right now if I could” I melt like a wanker & remember to tell him that it’s exactly a year since we met face to face, so about 14 months since we started chatting every day. I tell him that he missed getting me a present for our anniversary so he says “Happy Anniversary babe xxx” I literally start laughing – as if he thinks he’s not funny ”You’re an idiot” with a smiley face “Come on you smirked tho hehe” of course I did, he always makes me laugh “Happy anniversary of when we met too bacon bits xxx” I’m not sure why I’m calling him bacon bits being that’s his favourite thing, not mine. “Bacon bits? I’m left over bacon?” I literally start laughing “There’s no such thing as left over bacon. Bacon is too delicious to be left over. Bacon is your fav food right?” I’m pretty sure bacon is a favourite of his. “I love burgers & lasagne & ribs. Ribs would be my fav probably. Bacon is pretty damn good tho. Your my bacon” With a love heart emoji. I love when we are like this, it’s fucking cute as fuck. “Anyway, I’m off, have fun with your family xxx” OMG… “OMG you’re actually saying goodbye. Have a good day xxx” That was unexpected. Finally a proper goodbye, not just a log off & radio silence “Well think it might help if I do. I do still love you & all. But I’ll shhh now. Sometimes don’t get the op to say it.Which I need to remember what he’s told me before that he doesn’t say goodbye sometimes so that he can chat to me as long as he can. However it will be better if he does try to make an effort & say goodbye to me. I hope that he does do this moving forward & considers my feelings more. I mean he doesn’t say goodbye so he can chat to me as long as he can, but what he doesn’t realise is that we’re in the middle on a conversation & he disappears… Leaving me feeling like a dickhead. But for him, he has messaged me literally till the last second he can. Things are still a little tense – I don’t know when there will be a time that we are back to normal, but we talk better than we have in a while & it feels good again, when he’s saying good bye & he adds “I hate saying bye to you xx” that I can’t even be angry when he says stuff like that to me, I love it. I’m glad he’s making an effort for me. I really appreciate it & it really shows me that he loves me, that he’s willing to adapt for me when I tell him how I’m feeling.

It’s been a week since we saw each other, since one of the hottest nights of my life with the body stocking, it’s Monday night again. I am in a mood as usual with Noodle that even though I am meeting him at the gym, I am in a funk. This funk is because I haven’t had sex in a week, I get grumpy as fuck when I don’t get sex weekly. (This is something he knows too, if we got a few days, I get too grumpy & he’ll say something about me needing to be fucked) But as I sit on his lap, kissing him, rubbing myself against him, he looks at his watch & says “Fuck” to which I think, what the fuck, he doesn’t push me off him but I realise something is up & sit back on the backseat… He says that she’s just asked him where he is, which he writes back the gym but then she asks for a picture of him, that his location is off & she wants a picture now. I ask him if he wants me to go home which he says no as he gets out of the car, seemingly flustered, so I sit there like a fucking idiot. He races inside & I assume he takes a picture, sending it to her. He gets back in the backseat & I ask why his location is off, he says because he was watching something from America & forgot to turn it back on. He says he smoothed it over with her & she believed him. I mean technically he is at the gym – so not a lie. I say that it’s lucky that his phone wasn’t just at the gym & he at my house like has happened sometimes. We have sex & I can’t stop thinking about the messages & the fact he had to go take a picture & to be honest, the fact that he would drop everything to take a picture & I don’t think that I will be able to cum. But of course, it’s sex with Noodle. I cum but I feel this weird feeling, a feeling I can’t shake as I drive off that night… Maybe it’s because it’s the first time I’ve experienced him first hand, being so whipped… He’s just a strong personality most of the time, especially in the groups that I almost feel like I don’t know who this man is, who ran inside to take a photo in the gym bathroom…

Later that week, I suggest he send a picture to my work iPhone to test the live picture thing. We work out that as long as the picture was taken live, it has that live symbol on it. So I suggest that Noodle take a bunch of picture at the gym so he has a range of pictures in his phone in case that happens again & he’s not actually at the gym.

On Friday night I am out with friends from the gym, I look cute again & wearing some sexy underwear thinking that I am already halfway to his gym being the location of the restaurant we’re at & I’m betting that he’ll message tonight to see me. I don’t know why I get my hopes up about seeing him, but I do… I never hear from him, what a fucking surprise…. But I wake up really early to a message from him at like 2:00 am, saying that his partner knows about us. FUUUUUCCCKKKK!! I write back instantly, sitting straight up in bed, I ask him what happened & say that he can come to my house anytime that he has a key. I don’t sleep well but I lay in bed waiting for Noodle to message again… Which isn’t till like 10:00 am… I read it instantly “Morning. Fuck #IBD4U. I don’t know what to do. I wanna leave my wife bad but I love my kids so much. My little girl means so much to me than I thought she would. And my son. FML. But I want you just as bad.” FUCK! He’s going to stay, I need to prepare for this!

Noodle Justify scars love.png

We talk for a short time, I ask how she knows, he tells me that she found my panties (FUCK what a way to find out your partner is having an affair, by finding another woman’s panties somewhere! FUCK!!!) & she now knows about me, there was no way he could deny that he is having an affair with that type of evidence. FUCK! I want more information but this isn’t the right time to ask him this stuff, I’m sure we’ll talk more but right now for him it’s too raw. He tells me that she’s threatened to take the kids interstate (which was already something she’s threatened when I was hypothetical) & he has no money to legally fight her… I send him screenshots from legal aid website to show that she can’t just take the kids to interstate, to where her parents are moving. I also try to explain how much I love him & how much I want to help him. He just keeps saying that he’s in so much debt & he doesn’t want to be a burden for me. That he loves me but he knows I don’t want kids so I don’t want his kids, which is not what I’ve ever said. I want this man, regardless of his debt, regardless of his kids… I want him, all of him, all of his baggage.

He logs off the app & I wait…

& wait…

& wait…

& wait…