Noodle #42

The following Tuesday I see Noodle again at the gym, at 10:00 pm, we fuck in the backseat, steaming up the car & enjoying the hot sex that has escalated to more passion, if that’s even possible in the back seat of a car since we said I love you. We say it via text every night as we go to sleep & I am really still struggling to believe that I am not going to spend the rest of my life with this man.

I tell him that I am not even sure that I believe that he loves me, I mean how can he? I’m a complete bitch all the time, I’m needy & pissed off. When I say to him one day that I heart him, he says “Oh dear god” with an emoji that I know is a joke but I say that it’s so hard for me to say that to him & he says it back but then adds that he “heart fucking you too” I laugh. I tell him that he’s probably said it everyone so it doesn’t mean anything for him, but it means something for me, being this is the first man I’ve ever said that too. He tells me that I am the third chick ever, which surprises me.

Thanks to my fact checkers the other day, I believe I have never told you this part to the story. I’m sure I hadn’t but wasn’t sure – didn’t want to bore you twice, however it’s kind of an important detail. I can’t really remember when this was in the timeline of the story, however it was long before the L word so probably only like 8-9 months into the affair when Noodle tells me that he has to be extra careful. I ask him why because nothing has happened, I mean I think at this time he still was able to fake his location too. He says that he was on his way home from work, his partner was home so he pulled over to message me a goodbye message as he won’t be back on till she goes to sleep. I literally smile my head off at the fact that he actually pulls over to say a proper goodbye to me & finish up our conversations. These cute things he does & doesn’t tell me, if only he told me this stuff… Anyway, I don’t think much of this, besides how adorable it is, when he tells me that when he got home she questioned why he pulled over & stopped. OH HOLY FUCK. I ask him what he said, he says that just told her he didn’t pull over & that the app must’ve frozen. Oh sweet baby cheeses! She apparently believed it too…. But as if she’s tracking him while he drives home from work!? I don’t understand how she can live like that – always suspicious & I also don’t understand why he is ok with that either. That is no life. I would hate it.

The next day, I am going to Kangaroo Island for a few days for work, so I will have to drive past his house tomorrow on my way, which is kind of exciting for some weird reason. I wonder if it’s just because I know where he lives & what we’ve done there before, perhaps? I don’t know, but I am excited to drive past his house to get to the ferry. While I’m away, Noodle tells me that he is going to the Limp Bizket concert in Adelaide & was going to ask me to go with him. I ask him why he didn’t ask me because I’m not a huge fan of Limp Bizket but I would’ve gone with him, any chance to go somewhere with him. He tells me that he didn’t ask me because he wasn’t sure if his partner would go with him & then he says that I am away anyway. I remind him that I could plan my trips to basically anytime I want, so it pisses me off that he doesn’t know this & goes to the concert alone. I mean I plan my trips to make sure that I am home on Tuesday nights to see him, leaving on Wednesdays mornings! Again, I fucking hate travelling for work. I used to love my job, but now I fucking hate it. I hate being away & he does things that I could do with him & I can’t because I’m fucking away! I hate that he didn’t even ask me to go with him & I could’ve changed this trip to make sure I was home… He’s such a dick, he didn’t want to look like dickhead by asking me & me saying no, so he just didn’t ask. What an actual fuck wit!

I’m on my last day of my trip, I have planned to be home for the gym then I am going to see him at his gym later that night, having not seen him for a few days & really fucking sad that I didn’t get to go to the concert with him last night & he went alone, sending me pictures of the concert, I am a little heartbroken for him that he went alone… During the day I am in a meeting room alone & so sitting there chatting to him when we end up having an argument, he recently got a $10k bonus at work & they go shopping to buy a whole new lounge room suite, a whole fucking suite with couch, buffet, book shelf – the works… They’re about to have a baby & they have a 4 year old, why the fuck would you go out & buy all new furniture that the kids will wreck? & also when they are in a fuck ton of debt? & what’s even more disturbing, why the fuck does this annoy me? It has nothing to do with me, except it does… It makes me realise that he is still in this thing with his partner, not just because of the kids but he actually is making no attempts to leave her. This is like a kick in the guts. They have so much debt & should be paying it off their credit cards which he tells me all the time are in his name, so if he left her, he’d have all the debt. I am being snappy with him because I am fucking gutted & sad.

We are chatting weirdly, but now I am preparing myself for him to pull away once the baby is born, it’s due date is fast approaching, she is unable to move, he’s off work so I assume he’ll start pulling away. He tells me “If you love something set it free. Just don’t forget about me” Fucking hell he pisses me off! I tell him that I have a time frame in my head, I figure that I have about 6 more months that I can do this with him. The baby will be born & if he can’t leave, then I will end it. I’m good with due dates, I am good with limits. I’ve set my quit date! I am going to do it. He says he won’t harass me or hound me or beg for my attention, I know that he’s too stubborn for that, even though he’s also told me that he wouldn’t let me walk away. I tell him that I won’t talk to him at all & he asks “Really? Not even a hi now & then?” I say that I won’t be able too, it’s that like a junkie around the drug? I won’t be able to resist. He says “Hmm, ok. You’d just throw the friendship away too?” but I have to think of myself here “The hardest thing I’ll ever have to do it walk away from this knowing, I was never quite good enough yet again” I am breaking, I feel on the verge of tears & I never cry. “You good enough. Your fucking amazing #IBD4U. Probably the best chick I have ever met. Don’t EVER think your not good enough. The guy that gets you is gonna be one of the luckiest guys on the planet. ” That is just like a stab to the heart, again! He tells me that I have learned a lot from us “How to be a damsel in distress. How to be a great fun loving partner. I may have set you up to succeed better in the future. Don’t get sad. I’m so lucky to have met you.” Yeah lucky to meet me, but you’re not going to spend your life with me! I tell him “I’m trying to be reasonable here. I get you have a baby about to pop out so my timeframe isn’t that soon. But if in a few months if you still feel the same about staying with her. I can’t stick around.” I have to have a plan here. “It’s not you. If I didn’t have kids… Yeah anyway. Wanna still be friends” I don’t think that’s a possibility to be honest. I would love that, but how would that even work? He asks me “Your gonna destroy me aren’t you lol. Easiest way. Just fuck heaps of people & tell me how good they are. That’ll get me running” This guy doesn’t know me at all does he? “I’m the one who’ll be destroyed… Nothing changes for you. You’ll have your family to distract you. You’ll be fine.” He won’t even think about me, I’m sure of that “You do mean a lot to me. It will hurt. A lot. Don’t think it won’t.” I just say that I don’t want to talk about this & that he doesn’t have to see me tonight, when he says “I do wanna see you. Cum see me tonight. I’ll just please you. Give you a hug instead?” OMG. “No, I’ll burst into tears, don’t hug me.” He says “Shit, has stuff really upset you that much? I’m so sorry #IBD4U. argh. Never intended to hurt you. Stay positive… You won’t be alone forever” OMG! Why am I still chatting to him when he says this stuff? Fucking asshat.

He even says to me as I’m boarding the ferry about 3:30 pm, that he’ll let me go & will talk to me later. That just pisses me off even more. I hate that he just logs off & then can go on with his life, while I stew on the fucking fight & the fact I am such a fucking fool. Even more foolish for wanting to still talk to him! The whole way home on the Ferry I am seething. I then have to drive past his place again to get home, hating that I look down the side street to see if his car is around. I assume he’s not going to message me later than night when he is at the gym. I don’t know when we will talk again. I am fuming & upset. I don’t think I have ever been more indirectly hurt by something Noodle has said to me. He doesn’t even understand & I can’t explain it to him.

To my surprise, at 10:30 pm, he messages to ask if I still want to see him tonight. I want to say no, I desperately don’t want to reply. Just pretend I’m offline. I want to stay at home, already in bed… But like the junkie that I am (there is no better word for me right now! I love my reader for giving me that!), I want his arms around me, his reassuring arms around me… So, I get up & head to the gym near his house. As I get there, I reverse in & he gets in the front seat of my car & I think, not this old chestnut, he’s going to have to go, she’s having the baby & I get even more angry… We’ve had a fucked day, he’s not talked to me most of the afternoon, even though I know he could have which pisses me off, but I know he was trying to give me space, but that just left me alone with my own thoughts & made it twice as bad as it was & now he has to go because he’s getting in the front seat. I ask him what he is doing, why he’s in the front seat & he just says I don’t know, he said he wasn’t sure what I wanted. I want his cock inside me. I don’t want to talk to him, I want to connect the way we know how. The only way we really do. Are we just sex to each other? Is this really love? Is this what love it? Because if it is, I’m not sure I want it!

We get out of the car & get in the back. We fuck, me riding him & it’s hot but I am distant, I am feeling like this is the end! I have to fucking end it. I am getting hurt too often to keep this fucking thing going, when that song of his comes on. FUCK! Periscope comes on my Spotify mix & it’s playing as we fuck. He doesn’t say anything & neither do I, I don’t know if he notices, I’m 100% sure he does as he comments on my music choices a lot sometimes, asking what I’m listening too or telling me it’s a good mix. We kiss, a lot during the song, it’s like I want to connect with him while it’s on & so does he, I can feel the distance between us disintegrate & we are really one human being right now. FUUUUUCCCCK!

#IBD4U

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