August 2025 – Single?
29 August 2025 – I have never felt more used & more unloved than I did yesterday however, him turning back, looking me in the eye as he grabbed my waist tight to actually say that he loves me, without prompting, without me saying it first, stupidly gave me hope. So even though I am hurting & dying inside, I keep the chat light & about sex.
I go for a walk during our phone call today, my usual thing – mainly because our conversations jump all over the place & usually, end up one of two ways, in us fighting about the way we are treating each other or talking about sex… Neither topic is suitable for work & no colleague wants to hear it. I say that I find his voice so attractive & that I am so wet just by chatting to him, he says he wants to feel that but then goes for the day.
30 August 2025 – On February 27 2025, when Phoenix was rekindling this, reinvigorating a proper friendship he had said, “Just a heads up I won’t be around much tomorrow, but I am committed to this and do plan improving things between us and improving communication to you” & then this “But I do want to make more of an effort. I do miss our chats. Chatting to you properly has made me realize this “
On February 28 2025 he said “But there is also always a place in my heart for you too somehow despite how much I’m try to resist you, push you away, keep my distance or even just treat you like total shit. And I have spent years trying to replace you, always drawn back online, trying to replace our banter, our friendship , our connection we have always had…. our chemistry…. not even for an affair or for sex, simply for the bullshit, it never happens , I’ve met some cool people over time but it never last long, always heading back to things like anon app and chat app trying to replace you. Turns out you’re un replacable , because I fucking tried pretty hard, even at the sake of you and not giving you my full attention or even a message when I could, again intentially to create distance and push you away “
He says now when I ask, that nothing has changed, nothing is happening, but just in six months since he started this v2.0, Phoenix has started doing exactly what he told me he didn’t want. I gave him an out two weeks ago & he said he didn’t want it. But this weekend will be the first weekend in ages where he is working but I don’t see him & he doesn’t even ask me to see him. He says he’s working Saturday 6:30am to 10:00am – a weird shift, I’ve never known him to have before & he’s not working Sunday but the way he told me he’s not working Sunday made me think that he is – should I drive past & see? Fuck sake, do not do that #IBD4U!
Anyway today he has less than five hours of time away from his family that he could chat to me in, he says that he’ll only get a ten-minute break so yesterday I told him to call me on his break – he’s agreed that it is still the highlight of his day speaking to me on the phone, even if I am being bitchy or angry. But he’s been at work now, at the time of writing this for almost two hours. It’s after 8:00am when he said he’d call for his break & I haven’t even had a message, not even ‘good morning’ like I usually get. I wrote a couple of messages last night but he hasn’t even read them so I am not sending another message.
After he gave me the bracelet on 24 March 2025 for our anniversary, I started to think of myself as no longer single, when I finally admitted that to Phoenix on 11 April 2025, that I didn’t consider myself single, I asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend & he said yes. I haven’t fucked anyone else for years, even with the little Phoenix gave me prior to this, I never wanted anyone else. Now he is my boyfriend & I really don’t want anyone else. I only want him. I don’t even chat to other people, at all. Why do I feel like he doesn’t want the same….
He calls on his break, without a hello text message, perhaps for him the talking on the phone being the highlight of his day is replacing the highlight of my day & that was waking up to see his name on my watch that he’s messaged me, thought about me as he woke up, not made an excuse about being tired or a zombie when he wakes up, or that he’s a busy person that he’s written a simple ‘good morning’ for months & it sets the tone of the day for me – for us, I don’t message first because he is always up before me. But also I feel like now that I am just annoying him & he no longer wants to communicate with me. So I let him message me first. I always get notifications so I will always reply.
We talk for 15 mins while on his break mainly about going to the royal show today, but I ask why he is going to spend money on the show when they are planning on Japan in October. He says that he applied for money out of his loan but hasn’t come through yet & he hasn’t got a printer for the passport stuff so he might not get to Japan until next year… So two things on this, as if because he doesn’t have a printer he won’t go this year – when he also didn’t go to Falling in Reverse concert because of this Japan trip & second that means that he is still planning on being with her in a years time. FUCK! But also for the first time since he mentioned this trip, I realise that her passport will have his last name… & it will remain on her passport for ten years… ABSOLUTE FUCK.
We send about three messages after we hang up & then he is gone for the day. As much as I was happy with the way things were pre V2.0, Phoenix chose to make this more than just fuck buddies once a month, chatting sporadically. He changed the whole game, he was really making an effort to come see me at work for sex-less dates – the biggest thing change in v2.0 was the sexless dates led by him, he would message me all the time, he then started the daily calls, then as soon as I start to get used to the dynamic, he pulls back, not just a little bit but all the way back, he hasn’t been messaging me as much, he hasn’t been coming to visit me, he doesn’t tell me his schedule so I can’t make plans to visit him… Then when I get upset about it because I want to see him, I want to be near him, he cracks the shits at me for being angry. So if I want this to keep going, I can’t show any feelings. Not that I am upset, not that I am angry.
So I ask you this, if you had a boyfriend who isn’t really ever been 100% yours, so you know you get limited time but he said goodbye at 10:00am, didn’t come back online until 11:30am the next day – something he now does regularly, has been telling you for months that he is a busy person, but then proceeded to tell you that he watched a documentary on YouTube on boredom… What would you think about your relationship?
I don’t even know if there is another way to describe the hurt & pain it brings me to say this right now… But in conclusion to the last few months, mainly weeks, I now, no longer consider myself in a relationship with Phoenix & I am 100% single. While rises have 20-40 petals, I’m afraid that what remains of our rose, is just the core.
31 August 2025 – The revelation of being single again, after I spent 20 years being single, having Phoenix properly for six months was worth it… I don’t regret it. Would I do things differently now that I read my blog & see the fucking weird things I did… Yes. But when you are in it, feeling disrespected & unloved on a daily basis by the person who you loved & respected the most, it’s hard not to be reactive… I am good at self-reflection, I can see the part I played, but I can’t see it when I am sitting in bed waiting for him to message & he has gone to bed without a thought of me…
He does chat later in the morning on Sunday, he says that they didn’t get home till after midnight because they had ride vouchers to use after the fireworks. We talk about a protein power I bought, thinking he’d want to try it but because it’s vegan he just shuts it down & I feel like a child being scolded by my dad, that I wish I never showed him. He says goodbye for the day & am more sure than ever….
I am single.
There will be no final blog post where I say to Phoenix ‘I’ve been dating for you…’ & we share a romantic kiss…
Sorry readers, spoiler alert.
Ironically at post 69, I am single. It hurts. It’s painful. It’s tourtue. But I can’t help but ask, was I ever really his girlfriend?
But I know for certian as another petal falls from the wilting rose. I am single.
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 