Silverlining #35

I know you’ve all be so supportive & tell me not to say sorry for not getting my blog out. So I won’t apologise but will let you know over the next week you may not get a blog written by me but maybe a guest post, but there are so great posts coming, so keep checking back. When I get time & the inspiration to write, I will! I promise. Writing is my escape, it’s just a hard time to be inspired right now! Lets also be fair, I think that Tuesday will be late too! I will try to write it so you don’t just get a guest post, but I will see how I go. This week is a bit full on with other work I need to get done!

So SilverLining & I move over to the other chat app & I think I’ve said this before but I realise that he’s already added or had added 2 other friends. I don’t know why but this makes me so fucking jealous! I guess the thing is, this man has very limited time to give me online, I’m not stupid enough to believe that I get his undivided attention, I know I don’t, clearly. But I also know this is the type of interaction he craves too, not just from me, but he does want it from other women. He seeks their validation that he is good looking, fit (though he’s not as fit as he was) & that his got a good sized penis. I know that his partner didn’t give him this type of validation for a while there & why he started looking online for it, we all get into a rut in relationships. I even did the same with Boyfriend, I used to messaging him cute things but then when we lived together, it drops off a lot! Men & women still crave that beginning part of a relationship all throughout the relationship but we forget to do it because we are no longer chasing them! So my tip for you now is to send your partner a cheeky message, like you would have in the beginning & have a little flirt with them! Not only is it fun, but it will keep the spark alive… I will admit, I do love when SilverLining says something that makes me feel special.

I tell him that I must be slipping down the list, being that he’s added all these other people – lets calm down, it was only 2. He says that he just joined & wasn’t sure how to find me on here yet, this app is confusing. I have a profile picture up of my face & he tries to distract me with “That pic of you is soooooooo fucking cute. I love it.” OMG, I am always surprised when he tells me how good I look to him, I never understand it to be honest. I am not wearing any makeup, I’m not smiling, in my the car, I can’t even remember when I took it or why I took it. “I think it’s one of the cutest hey” Of course it makes me melt & he tells me how cute I am for being jealous! Hahaha… Fuck him.

I lay awake that night waiting for him to message me that he’s back online on the chat app we met on, but I wait & wait & wait. It’s almost 11:00 pm & I am sad that he’s not come back online tonight, so I quickly check the new chat app & try to work it out, thinking perhaps he’ll come back online, when I see that he’s chatting in a group on the new chat app, my heart sinks… Usually he’ll just say evening to me, even if I haven’t left a message for him, so the fact that he’s chatting & not chatting to me really hurts me. Like I said, he craves the chats & the validation, so I get why he chats to others, it makes me jealous of course but I get it & don’t want to control him so I would always be sort of ok with it, as long as he wasn’t hiding it from me. But this hurts me, he’s blatantly chatting to others & not bothered to check if I’m awake or online – I notice that he’s been chatting in the group since about 10:00 pm, a whole hour I have waited for him to come online & he’s not bothered to say anything to me at all. My heart pounds, I start crying – which is so unlike me but I also have just started my period, which doesn’t help, but I send him a irrational message “Why aren’t you talking to me?!” He just writes back huh, there’s no read receipt on this app or that a message was delivered, so I can read it & formulate my replies but it doesn’t help, I become even more irrational, “Sorry. I’ll leave you to chat in your group.”  I am so hurt about this… I don’t know why but I am, it’s stupid of me to expect 100% of his time, I mean he has a partner & family FFS. I never get 100% of his time, I barely even get 50% of his time. So I can’t understand the irrational thoughts when he comes online, the time he has to devote to me & he is chatting to people in a group that he doesn’t even know & not chatting to me. I don’t know when he comes back online unless he chats to me, so I can’t just keep messaging him like a loser!

He writes Hi, like a dickhead & then says that he thought I’d be asleep. He knows I stay awake every night to get in a bit more chat with him before we go to sleep. He asks if I am spying on him which makes me more angry so I just say “Don’t worry Silverlining…” his reply annoys me more, my heart I pounding “Fuck you’re a needy bitch. Hugs”  I know he’s trying to make me laugh but I say “Don’t worry I won’t bother you”  & I put my phone down, feeling like a child for acting this way but fuck it is so annoying & so I try to go to sleep, but he messages me a few times while I ignore them obw rthd course of 20 or so minutes “You don’t bother me. Oi. You suck. Where is my #IBD4U. OMG. You suck so much. Dear #IBD4U. You have your own little chat group that you chat in all the time. Don’t be all jealous. I just assumed you were asleep. I still message you first, every morning btw.”  I know he does message me a lot but he’s dropping off a bit too. I know he is still with her & not planning on leaving so he’s protecting both of us by doing so, but this is just frustrating. I remind him that I am up every night like a fucking wanker waiting for him to come back online, checking the apps constantly thinking he’ll be back soon to chat. I know that he says good morning every day mostly, he is up before me, but I have had to say good morning first a few times.

I say that he’s been chatting in the group for ages & he has the audacity to ask “Which one?”  I call him a cunt, I can’t believe that he was staying so far away from the first chat app & wasn’t going to go on the second chat app & is now chatting in several groups. I shouldn’t be surprised, I mean this man is a liar, he lies daily to himself & his partner. I am so angry & hurt,  I never thought he would be like this with me. I guess it was only a matter of time, but this time he’s been sweeter to me than he ever had in the entire time we’d been together… He tells me that I am mean, he was invited to a few groups & he joined. “I don’t lie. I didn’t mean to be a cunt. I’m sorry. Fuck whatever. You’re the last person that can criticize me for chatting in groups”  Oh no way is he going to turn this around on me, “I’m not criticising you for chatting in groups Silverlining. I’m fucking sad because I wait up, excited to talk to you when you come back on… Turns out you’re on & didn’t even try to talk to me…”  He snaps that he thought I was asleep & that he’s going to bed, but I don’t want to go to bed fighting with him because I know I won’t sleep. “Silverlining. Please… just understand. I fucking burst into tears when I saw you online & I was waiting for you to message me.”  I don’t understand what he is pissed about. “I’ll make sure to message you in future ffs”  but that’s not what I want, I remember with Max how I didn’t want to be an obligation, I don’t want to be an obligation for Silverlining to message me. “I don’t want to you to HAVE to message me. But I’ve had a fucking shit day & want to talk to you. Fucking upset me you didn’t even message. And yes I’m fucking jealous you were staying away from the chat apps & now have a million friends on there & now on the new chat app.”  I hope he sees that I would never normally admit that I am jealous & he understands. “You chatted to me all day. I’m going to bed. I’m sorry okay.”  I just say night & he sends a puppy gif that is giving puppy dog eyes “Forgive me… Chat again soon… ps. I did try to chat in your lame group.” I don’t reply & I don’t tell him that I love him, which I hate… I just put my phone down & try to get some sleep.

I don’t sleep well that night with all the work stuff going on & the one person I want to talk to about it didn’t chat to me last night, so I was awake until 2:00 am & woke up at 5:00 am refusing to message him. Like a stubborn fucking idiot. I lay there dwelling on the day ahead of me, what will happen at work – my second day back after 3 weeks off, what I will have to do today, what hoops will be required. I know that he will message me when he wakes up but I am grumpy when I wake up, my stomach is in knots over work & I know he will calm me down & make me smile when he does message me. “Morning cranky pants” & I smile at about 6:00 am, I knew he would. I reply straight away & he says “Fuck you’re up early”  I explain how little I slept last night worried about work & upset I wanted to talk to him, he asks if he upset me that much & I say I say that I wish I could say no, but I was upset, he says sorry again but I know he probably doesn’t mean it. “When did you get some emotionally retarded? I really changed you hey?”  He did, in more ways than one. Before the L word with him, I barely cried, I was a heart of stone, now I cry about work, I cry when I get my period. I am just an emotional mess. I tell him that I am  a retard & I love him & want to chat to him, even if he doesn’t want to chat to me, I hate that I wait around for him & get jealous of the other friendships he’s made on the apps “I do want to chat to miss emotional retard”  I laugh & he keeps playing the card that he thought I was asleep. I remind him that he was so concerned about how down I was yesterday being back at work & how I was being treated, that he chose that night to think I was asleep & not even try to message me. He tells me that chicks usually sleep in these situations. Well, he knows I am not like his partner & that I don’t sleep 23 hours a day when I am stressed. I apologise too because I am being emotional but I also think it’s justified in this situation “I do love you as you will always be one of my best friends.”  I know he does love me it makes me feel better to hear him say it though, I tell him though I am trying to start my day better but I got to work & vomited from stress. FUCK. He tells me not to stress but it doesn’t help, as you can imagine.

Anyway as we chat throughout the day when we can, he reminds me that we can’t have the same relationship we had before, he says he can’t chat to me daily & can’t see me weekly. I know he can’t see me that often, especially now I am back at work & he’s about to be unemployed, there is not a lot of options. I tell him that he will message me everyday as he is addicted to me. “I was hoping to not get addicted to that.”  We get onto out favourite topic of how good he sex is between us & he says that it makes him want to see me again. He asks what time I finish work today & I say 5, it’s Tuesday so he’s working late as he always did, he’ll be at work later tonight & I know what he is thinking. I tell him that I could be at his work around 5:30, if he can have a break that late… I tease him enough telling him how much I love the taste of his cum, that around 4:00 pm he asks if I am ok for 5:30 pm. I know that I need to see him, even though I only saw him a few days ago & as I leave work, I am messaging him telling him he is so cute & that I am on my way but I look like shit – I don’t think I have ever looked this bad for him before. I instantly feel better on my way to meet him. I ask where to meet him & he says when I am close by that he is at the petrol station that we once fucked in the carwash.  I am instantly calm when I see him get out of his car.


Guest Blog: Beauty Queen

I am hating the new WordPress… I can’t work it! (If you noticed, this went live when I was editing it! FFS) So sorry about the formatting of this guest post from a fellow blogger in the USA.

I follow him but with everything that’s been going on for me, I have been relaxed in reading his & other blogs I usually follow with every post. However, when writers block is killing my blog, he offered up some of his stories.

I love reading his blog from a males perspective… It seems that it isn’t any easier for men than it is for women?!

The Beauty Queen

Speaking of curious cases, this one is more recent:

Early last December, the woman I had been dating, and who had professed her love, unceremoniously broke off our relationship. She is deserving of a multipart series of her own, of course, and I hope to return to her soon. During all of the time I dated her, and in fact all of the two plus years I’ve been on these dating apps, there has been another woman. Let us call her Pia, my friend Pia. We met right after I started online dating. I’ve mentioned her before (in particular here). The month of December, as it often is for me, began fairly bleak. The woman who loved me, broke up with me. My birthday occurs mid-month. My now ex-girlfriend had booked a hotel in Washington DC for the weekend. We were going to have ourselves a fun little getaway. Those plans were quashed. My friend Pia stepped in and saved the day for me. It was quite nice. As often happened with her though, I would hope we were getting more serious and she would pull away. During holidays, she often disappeared almost completely.  New Year’s Eve was barreling towards me. Pia made plans to see her spinster, older cousin at the New Jersey shore. It was looking like I’d be alone.

Maybe I could bandage my broken heart, I thought. I went on a dating app after Christmas, swiped right on a several women, and waited. A few women matched back  and I chatted them up. One caught my fancy more than the others and we honed in on each other. Her profile gave her age the same as mine and her photos showed a pretty woman who appeared younger than her years, fit and happy. We chatted easily by text, discovered neither had anything to do new year’s eve and decided to meet late that afternoon at a restaurant in beautiful Piermont, New York, along my side of the Hudson River. The scenery, however, was shrouded in darkness due to the early sunsets in December. We met at the bar. She looked decidedly older than her pictures. Nevertheless, she was an interesting date being a costumer for major movies. She had fun anecdotes about famous stars. We were not a match, though, and the date died a natural death a couple of hours later. Neither of us texted to the other, Let’s do it again. Anyway, I have a rule about that: if I pick up the check, I leave it to the lady to call or text me a thank you. She did not. As it turns out, this post isn’t about her. It’s about Tasha.


By the time I got home it was still just early evening. I mixed myself a drink, took a seat on my couch, and resigned myself to an evening of Netflix. Pia and I would exchange a few messages. I would wonder why she chose boredom down the shore when she could have been bored with me. My phone pinged. I looked down and saw I had a new match. And thus, I was introduced to Tasha. There once was a study that folks on these dating apps choose people who are 25% more attractive than they are. How do they figure this out? The person chosen gets more hits than than they do. I opened my app and saw clearly Tasha was not 25% more attractive or desirable than me, she was easily 75% more. She was so ridiculously beautiful, she could have been in and won a major beauty pageant. I’m talking beautiful. Her profile said she was in her mid-40’s, lived a few towns away, had a daughter, and ran her own little business. She was blonde and extremely well-proportioned. Her pictures were sexy, while not being overtly sexual. In one, she had on fitted jeans and a cropped, button-down knit sweater, that showed a bit of her defined abs and cleavage as well, but offhandedly, not ostentatiously.

When you get a match notification, you can surmise the lady is on at that moment. Despite Tasha being out of my league, the drink in my hand, combined with the two I had had earlier at the restaurant, lent me liquid courage and I dm’ed her: Hello Tasha, I wrote. Would you believe I’m wearing that very same sweater?

Really? she asked, almost immediately. And we embarked on a whirlwind night…

#middleageddating #lastfirstkiss #love #aging #autobiography #memories #writing #nyc #bergencounty #nnj #biography #covid19 #coronavirus #beautyqueen

Here is a link to his blog!


Silverlining #34

OMG, I am so sorry I didn’t get this written for Friday. I am not working at the moment, so I am losing track of days! I honestly don’t know what day of the week it is half the time! I will explain all one day but right now just know, I am trying as hard as I can to write my story because I love writing & I won’t have that taken away from me too! I know you’re all invested but there are so many other stupid things going on in my life (non-dating related) that just suck at the moment, but I will keep the stories coming!!

I love your comments on FB. I 100% agree with you all, but I am in it, I am in love with this man, I was always defend & justify his behaviour. Regardless of if it’s right or wrong, nice or nasty, if you hate him or not, I will always defend him & justify our actions because I know him so well, I know why he does what he does, it’s shit towards me most of the time. But this is also what I am willing to do to have this man in my life.

The next morning, he hadn’t come back online at night & I feel like shit, all I want to do is talk to my best friend, he doesn’t realise the things he says sometimes, especially about his partner & how she looks & what little she does to weight the same as me. I know muscle weighs more than fat, I know I work out, I know we’re different. But even J-Lo’s partner had gastric surgery at 90 kgs & is smaller than me… I wish when I was over 100 kgs that I had surgery, they wouldn’t have to fucking work so hard now to stay the fucking same while everyone else around me gets smaller than me! FUCK.

Anyway the next morning he starts talking about supplements again & I tell him that I don’t want to talk about this again, I felt shit & wanted to talk to him & he didn’t come back online. He says that we can’t always talk all day & I get that & I don’t expect that either, I know what I have signed up for here with him. I don’t expect to chat all day, I am thankful for the time I get with him sometimes, but I do wish things were different, that I could have him all to myself – but then I also wonder if things would be this hot for us?! “You usually always such a positive person and not usually so down on yourself and confident. Sucks seeing you like this”  I have recently taken a few hits to my confidence at work so that then snowballs to my body & eating habits. I know why I am feeling so shit about how his partner & even J-Lo’s partner is & it’s not really the women that’s the problem, it’s that I have been whittled down at work to have no confidence that when someone says something to me, I am automatically negative about myself.

He’s not online for a long time today either being it’s Sunday, he goes off line & I tell him that I am going for a jog when he says “Fuck how much exercise do you do?” At the time I was doing something about 5 times week, I was fit which I guess why the comments pissed me off so much. He tells me that he’s a cunt & brutally honest but he doesn’t realise how the things he says affect me sometimes. Well at least he is aware of that! He says “Don’t miss me too much” & of course I am sad, but at least I get up & do things when he’s not online “Sorry for wanting more than 20 mins on your time in a day!”  I don’t want to be sad or upset about it “Your so cute”  I tell him to fuck off that I am not cute. “Chat again soon honey buns. Love you. Miss chatting to you bestie”  FUCK! I’m smiling like a wanker as I get up & go for my jog!

He comes back online quickly at night but since he’s been up since 4:00 am with his daughter, he’s tired but he tells me that he’s signed up for the other chat app tonight, which I’m surprised about but kind of glad that we will have something to chat on if this chat app actually does shut down – which I doubt it will (& it doesn’t!). I tell him that I missed him this weekend & he says that I shouldn’t miss him but we can’t chat like we used too (again), but he does add that he missed me too which makes me smile & I snuggle down to sleep being I am back to work tomorrow after 3 weeks off!

I wake up to nothing from him, which I know why he didn’t message me, so remember the agreement we made when we first met to take it in turns, the agreement that lead up to fall in love with each other. A quick run down for new readers, but we both told each other when we first started chatting that we won’t initiate the conversation the second or third day because it shows us that the other person want so talk to us. So I know that he’s also trying to pull back from me, knowing we’re getting too close. Of course this mentality of his pisses me off!

I say good morning as I get ready for work, I feel sick & my stomach is churning. I have turned my work phone back on & the emails from my boss have made me feel sick. When Silverlining says he called in sick to take his daughter to get some needles I reply “I wish I called in sick. I feel like crap. My tummy is not happy today.” I tell him that I just got to work & feel like I am going to vomit. I explain to him that I got an email telling me what I need to do this week & even where I have to sit, I’m not allowed to sit at my own desk. He says “Wow does someone high up really hate you or something”  Yeah I have no idea, I really don’t know what is happening at work to be really honest with you “You used to love your job so much!” Yeah I did love it, you all know that, I talk about it a lot. I do as I’m directed but my stomach doesn’t settle the entire day, Silverlining tells me it’s stress. I don’t know what is happening to me, but I have a whole bunch of symptoms – later diagnosed with anxiety with panic attacks, but at the time I had no idea what was happening to me. I love having Silverlining in my life to help keep me calm when things are this shit!

Silverlining reasons to smile

We get on the topic of the new chat app because I don’t want to keep bring down the limited time I have chatting to him, talking about how shit my work is at the moment. Plus the man has just been made redundant too, so at least I have a job! He says that he didn’t download the app but uses the app on the website so he doesn’t get caught. We add each other on the new app but continue on this app. I see on the new app though that he already has 2 other friends… With everything happening at work this makes me jealous & he calls me out on it. He says that its cute I wanted to be his first – well of course I did… “So adorable” He tells me that I’m the first person he added manually “I added you, you fuckwit!”  I am semi joking with him but he senses that I am not joking when I tell him he can chat to whoever he wants “I hate seeing you all down hey”  As if he can tell over text that much! Fuck we really do know each other so well! I say that I’m ok & use his usual like “I’ll live” & his reply surprises me too “Your just barely ok” Yeah I guess that’s what happens when your work shuns you to a room to do a task that we employ other people for that get paid a fuck ton less than me. But whatever, just do as your directed & get through it. You have your career goals & there’s a merge happening, I just need to get through this period & things will be ok, I hope…

He mentions something about micromanaging my clit & I much prefer this topic, this calms my tummy & makes me feel better to have him make me smile. I tell him that I don’t want to spend the little time we get chatting, talking about how crap my work is. “It’s clearly a frustration you have. And I do care about you. So feel free. You can chat about anything and I will listen. So bitch about your stupid work. Please”  I love him some much in that moment! I tell him that I love the work but not how things are at the moment & he talks about how he’s freaking out about getting a new job himself. I don’t want  a new job, I do want to side step to follow my career goals but I have no desire to leave this workplace. I just have to stick it out & hope things get better.

We talk about the anon app & how much we tried to avoid each other, I say that worked well, didn’t it. I say that it hurt me when he posted stuff especially when he & his partner tried to be open, he upset me with a lot of posts he posted. “You’re a twat. I had a void to fill you know too right”  I guess I never thought about it like that, I mean he chose to stay with her when push came to shove so I just always assumed he moved on from me pretty quickly, shoving me out of his mind… I never thought that he might be hurting too. He says that he strung a lot of women along, thinking they could fuck him but he was never going too, so I ask why he fucked me “I knew you would be worth it. Knew you would be a good fuck. I couldn’t resist. Even tho I had no interest in most of your kinks. I liked your cheeky personality” He says he’s not kinky, but the guy fucked me at a train station at dusk bent over a car with my hands cable tied behind my back… I’m pretty sure that’s not a regular occurrence for regular couples. I know it was a first for both of us, so he’s definitely kinky! He says that he’d love to tie me cable ties & fuck every hole all day. I just reply “Sorry I’m not kinky…!” He admits he’s a little kinky & wants to have his way with me all day, fuck I want that too… he even suggest hitting me & then forcing me to suck his cock.. He says that he doesn’t like spanking with toys, prefers his hand & only a few hits, not for ages… He reminds me that he bent me over his lap while I wore the white dress & I remember when I saw that in the Fifty shades movie that it would be weird, but it was fucking hot. He also did it in the car once. I fucking loved it!

I try to explain to Silverlining why I went to events & got involved more with kink & ask if he even understands why. “Nope ? Nor do I care” He’s being a twat now. “Well I don’t give a fuck if you care or not… but I was having quite vanilla boring sex with random dudes… Trying to fill the sexual void, I also tried to fill that void with kink… so yeah. Even if you don’t think we were kinky together, we were. And I missed you. Missed sex 7 kink with you.”  He says “Good on you then” Fucking dickhead! I remind him that he also told me how kinky he was with his partner & he denies telling me anything & denies that what they were doing was even kinky. I tell him I am done with this because it’s a stupid convo & he says “you’re a stupid convo”  which makes me laugh. All is well before he goes offline. He says he’ll be on the other app though if I want to talk to him while he deletes this app. Fuck we are in too deep, even though he says yet again “This isn’t healthy. Love you. Chat soon.”


Silverlining #33

Sorry for the delay in writing this blog. I only write notes & then have to expand on it. I was so sick with hayfever yesterday, I passed out on Phenrgan! So here it is 12 hours late, but at least I’m on time with the day!! Remember I am only posting on Tuesday & Friday’s for a while. If you have a story I can share, please email me!

As I walk out of his house, I feel good, I have quickly changed my shoes  back into my flats & walked to the car. Before I even shut the door, I hear my phone buzz & a message from Silverlining “Just going to put it out there. I’m going to remember what you wore today lol.” It makes me smile. FUCK. He can be so sweet & cute sometimes, underneath that ridiculous stupid exterior, he is sweet guy who knows that made me smiles as I’m driving home. I have never done that before for anyone, he knows this but still gives me shit about all the guys I’ve fucked since him, he doesn’t realise that I still have firsts & I still have firsts with him. Sometimes I think he doesn’t get me at all, however then I realise it’s actually about him & his insecurities when he speak to me like this. I don’t condone it – don’t get me wrong, I fucking hate it & I call him out on it. He forgets that I wouldn’t just let anyone choke me, I wouldn’t let just anyone fuck my ass & when he says shit like that about me letting anyone do it or I’ve fucked hoards of men, it’s actually about his self-esteem, not me! He says that shit to make himself feel better, not really to put me down.

As I get home I realise there has been some drama in the group, Silverlining getting himself banned & then cracking the shits at me. I know he doesn’t want people to know who he is or that he’s fucking me, so I don’t unban him & re add him but I talk to the group to let them know he didn’t really do anything wrong. He tells me to unban him & I tell him I won’t, but he tells me that I’m cute & would look cute if I was fighting with him. All he said to them was “What crawled up your cunts?” They say that they don’t like thw rod cunt & I mean I don’t love it either but can we not swear in groups now, does that get us banned? I chat with the group & he ends up getting unbanned without me being too obvious but Silverlining isn’t happy about it still.

I tell him that I am not sure & he says “Do you know what is cute? You pulling faces as you fight your inner demons on wanting to fuck me without a condom while you sit on my lap while your pussy is inches from my hard dick” Is that face really cute, he says yes but not as cute as me wanting his full attention on the chat app. He says that he’s got plenty of other women so he’ll take his business elsewhere. I tell him he’s a wanker & talk about other things, he says that he had to spray Febreze & glen 20 on the couch as it smelt like wet pussy. I wonder if we’ll get sprung because of my juices? Well I mean that was probably the last time I will see him, I mean he is finishing up work soon, I am back at work myself so won’t be able to do day time fucking, I just don’t know when we would ever get a chance again! I say that I hope we can at least catch up for lunches or a dinner when he works again, I really don’t want to lose him as a friend again. That seriously sucked more than losing the sex part. He goes off line without saying that he loves me, but I have said that I love him, I think he’s still pissed he was banned & I won’t add him back. But I won’t add him back because I don’t want to be obvious, I know he doesn’t want people to know who he is. He doesn’t come back online that night either, another sign that he’s seriously pissed off.

I wake up the next morning with no messages from him at all, so I message & get an immediate reply. I know this means he’s genuinely pissed at me. He says that his mum called him fat this week & his partner didn’t say anything to him when he put on a shirt that was a bit tight, so that told him everything & he is at the gym working out harder than ever before. I tell him that while he has put on weight since I last saw him, I still think he’s super sexy & he makes me cum so quickly. “Oh and did I forgot the part where one of my best online friends make it clear that the integrity of her precious group was mire important than me”  OMG, is he serious right now? The people in that group were there for me when he chose his wife over mean a year ago. They are people who stuck by me. I was also joking about banning him just like he was joking about not fucking me again if I didn’t unban him. He says he was joking but he is genuinely pissed off at my joke. I can’t even handle this right now, I hate that he gets like this & then pushes me away. I spend so long having to calm him down make him feel better when he treats me like this… What a risky game he plays, I could ruin his whole fucking life with a something so simple & he seems to forget that. Though he knows I am not going to do anything, he knows I am not like that, however I have those thoughts, just like anyone else… Mostly my thoughts of how I can get her to find out again. But what would that do? Nothing. Do I really want him because she left him because of some crazy stunt I pulled? No… I want him to be with me because he wants to be with me. So for now, this is our relationship.

I tell him he is the hottest man I have ever been with, he just thinks hot means body but to me, it means everything, his face, his body (which isn’t the best I’ve been with but he’s still super sexy to me) & our chemistry. I send him a naked body picture telling him I am stil wearing his cum, I also send him a picture in the nurse outfit to remind him how I fucked him yesterday & I offer to go to his work & suck his cock at lunch if he needs a reminder! He becomes vague & distant, not writing back as quick or with long responses like usual, so I say that if he wants me to come suck his dick, I’m free now or if he wants me to stop talking to him. I apologise for pissing him off, because clearly it’s hit a nerve more than I thought it would. “Fuck thought you were joking  , allready gone to lunch cos I was fucking starving.”  No I wasn’t joking, “That’s for the offer though , your amazing sometimes. I’m just on my period clearly”  I laugh & he is back. He says that it’s really pissed him off that he left himself go. I get that & he has stalked some dudes I fucked who are skinnier or buff, but they never made me cum like he does… I love him just as he is.

There is also a rumour going around that the chat app is closing, it’s been going on for months but this time they’ve sent out messages to everyone saying its closing. Which means I have to go back to the anon app with no notifications. I’ll be back at work soon & won’t be able to check my phone every 5 seconds. I’m actually sad that I finally have an app to message him on & it’s going to shut down. Everyone opens up accounts on this other chat app & I create an account in case Silverlining wants to use it but I assume he won’t download it because they have a shared iTunes account & it will come up in their lists… I don’t really understand how that works but assuming he won’t be able to get a new app. However I download it just in case.

I ask him if he has tried the popcorn pork crackle that has just come out which he says no, that the stores near him don’t sell it & so I make a mental note that next time I see him, I’ll take him a packet as I bought 2 but hate it. He says that he has to go offline again & says he’s loves me today for a change.

Well talk all day the next day about how stupid I was with Motocross & he gives me advice about dating, tells me not to be desperate. But I don’t think I come across as desperate to men, maybe I do? I don’t know. Someone once told me to wait three months before having sex with a dude you’re dating, I don’t think I could, I mean I tried not to fuck Motocross too soon but did on the second date, so I tell Silverlining this & he agrees. I’m not sure if he agrees because he doesn’t want me fucking anyone else or because he thinks it might work.

We then get onto weight loss & he tells me about how he & his partner were taking supplements & doing keto & that she lost 30kgs. I start to feel shit about myself, I work so hard to lose weight, look good & always feel fat yet she takes some supplements & loses weight & is probably smaller than me. He says I have a better body than her but I probably weigh more because of my muscle – but he says we’re about the same size – however I don’t think he realises what that does to me to think about her being the same size. Nothing fucks me off more than weighing more than everyone yet being the same size. Why does he tell me this shit? I ask “What the fuck do you need me for?” He replies “Cos your one of my best friends and I love you dumb ass. And you’re way hotter than you think you are. I say goodbye quickly as I’m at the gym & feeling so shit about how his partner is the same fucking size as me…. I don’t know why this pisses me off so much! I mean probably because I kill myself at the gym eating healthy & stay the same but she takes some supplements he gives her & she loses 30 kgs!
OMG it’s making me feel bad now, I’m off to the gym! Hahaha…


Cocktails with #IBD4U

Those that have been around for a while will remember that I woke up one morning & I decided that I wanted to meet some of you & so I posted on my blog Facebook page to see if anyone would be interested in a catch up! So we’re jumping ahead a bit in the story for me to post this blog, this was January 2020.

To my utter surprise, so many people commented & liked the post agreeing that they wanted to meet me, even people from interstate want to meet me! I never knew I would be so popular. I guess if I was reading someone’s life 3 times a week, I’m sure I would be invested too & be curious to see what they look like. I know I don’t describe myself often but most of you know, blonde hair just past my shoulders, blue/grey eyes, relatively fit, short at 5’3 & I don’t have high self-esteem about how I look. I’m sure now every woman you see who looks like this, you’ll wonder if she’s me! Hahaha…

I only stated this blog to inspire & empower women (even men) to either not make the same mistakes as me, learning from my mistakes – because it’s easier to see my mistakes when you’re not involved but hopefully you can see where I went wrong & change your path. But the main reason was because I felt alone going through all these weird things with men & finally had other women – & even some men, who contacted me, telling me they have been in similar situations or that they felt alone too until they found my blog. I am glad that I have helped some people along the way. I love to hear your stories so don’t stop messaging & emailing me, I literally live for your stories!

It’s not always about what I write about me per se, but if someone outside looking into my life can see the decisions I should have made & they change their course, then I am happy! As I’ve said many times, I can see the decisions I should have made when I look back & post a blog about it, but while I am in the middle of it, you can’t see things quite as clearly. When you’re in it, it’s fucked, you are making decisions based on what you want, not always based on what is right. If I made decisions based on what is right, then I never would have even met Silverlining, way back 2 & a half years ago…

I guess if I was reading this I would be super inquisitive too as to who is the writer, I’d want to know who was writing… If it’s who I’ve pictured all this time so I would attend. So I put out an event, gathered up a few close girlfriends & thought if worse comes to worse, we’ll all have a good night & that will be ok.

However as the night drew closer, with all the other anxieties in my life, I started to regret this idea. I had booked in for hair & make-up so I knew I would look good, it wasn’t about that but about meeting new people. I also then started to freak out that some partners or wives could rock up to see if it was me writing about their partner. I mean there is Dom Dom, J-Lo, Crows and god knows how many other men I’ve been with that have a partner. I also got a few weird messages asking where the event was & it they made me uneasy being that I don’t know who you are either…. So I didn’t think this through, did I want to meet people who didn’t give me a good vibe online? Luckily I hadn’t advertised where the event was or how to find me.

Cocktails with #IBD4U

I had people messaging me all day bailing. It was a super-hot day in January so I get that it was hard to get people to come out, but I kind of knew this would happen which was kind of a letdown.

However I wasn’t going to let this ruin my night, I had a few girlfriends going anyway so we were going for dinner then everyone else who was coming would come & we’d see what happened. The night would be fun regardless. I looked good, I wore a cute yellow dress I bought in Queensland, not many people can pull off lemon yellow, but I looked good. (You know I don’t usually say stuff like that!) I had my hair done & curled, I had my make-up done at mac. I felt good, I looked good. The night would be good no matter what happened.

So I think only one reader & her friend came along, everyone else that was there actually knows me in real life. I chatted to my readers & had a really good conversation with them. In fact I have become friends with one of them outside of the cocktails night. If I can ever find a guy to be on the podcast, we will get that going!

So the part was a bit of a letdown that I think I had 20 + people say they wanted me to do it, I booked an area at the hotel & then only 2 readers came. But do you know what I am also happy about that because I got to have a really good chat with them. Of course their main questions were if I was single & what spoilers I could give them. I am happy to give some spoilers in private (message me with questions) but there so much happens that I still recommend you read to understand why things happen the way they do…

After my readers left, the drinks start flowing a bit more freely for me, I didn’t want to be too drunk for meeting the fans. The girls & I start dancing & having a more of a great night. When some dude attaches himself to our group, in particular me. Now I am not a confident woman, so I don’t generally know when a man is hitting on me or do I pick up on subtle hints. It needs to be very direct & even then I don’t believe men half the time. However this dude was a weirdo, he kept saying that his uncle was some sort of famous soccer player, or that his uncle was a coach perhaps? I’m pretty sure he said for Liverpool? Isn’t that one of the most famous soccer clubs, also who gives a fuck?!

Anyway somehow he is mega drunk & attaches himself to me. When we get kicked out the pub, my friends & I are ready to kick on & we go to a karaoke bar in the city. WTF, I hate karaoke! The scary part is that I suggested it! So we go to the karaoke bar, with his dude in tow as well. He buys drinks & I fucking sing a song with him – OMFG! I think it was horses by Darryl Braithwaite. We’re there for a few hours before we all decide to go home. Now I am not really interested in the guy, but I think I would give him my number perhaps & we can catch up outside of this evening. I don’t want just another one night stand under my belt. This is where it turns!!

Like fuck, this guy standing outside of the karaoke bar waiting for my friends husband to pick us up, this guy becomes the most arrogant fucking pig I have ever had the misfortune to talk too…  When I said I wasn’t going to fuck him, he turned nasty about me living in the south, I live in a suburb, that isn’t renowned for its upper class status should we say, hahaha however he kept telling me that I’d be lucky f a guy like him from the west waned to fuck me, his other winning lines were him saying that he’d give me the best sex I ever had (Highly doubtful!). He also was talking about some sports car, like a Ferrari or something that we could have sex in. I have no idea. He said things about being too good for me etc, that his uncle was someone famous (that I do not know!) yet, here he is still hanging around waiting for me to take him home, wearing 2 hats…

Finally our ride arrives & he’s still trying to get me to go home with him but I refuse & he cracks the shits & gets into a cab. OMG… I can sure pick em! WHAT THE FUCK was that all about.

So needless to say I am not going to be organising a group cocktails ever again!! Hahaha…


Silverlining #32

Lately I’ve had a lot of new likes on Facebook, which is great. I love that people are getting involved in my blog, even if it’s just for the hearts… But this also worries me when people start reading halfway through a story, as this story especially, without the context of the last 400 blog posts might seem a little fucked up… I get that. I am not innocent or even trying to justify what I did. I know the part I play… So if you are a new reader, I don’t expect you to go back to the start & read all the posts about my life to understand this story, but just understand that each post doesn’t contain the whole story obviously so it make take some time to grasp what is happening & I will say that a lot of my posts are NSFW & should not be on your work computer! Hahaha.

I wake up to messages from him as usual, he tells me that he doesn’t think I’m a lonely loser. I know why he does this & interesting that I was chatting to my friend the other day about how he does this sort of thing & I get why he does it, I’ve probably talked about it before. It may piss you off that he talks to me like this but it’s about his own insecurities, not about me at all. However, he does annoy me that this is the way that he talks to me because it’s exactly how his partner talks to him, putting him down, making fun of his interests. To be really honest, I don’t even think he realises that he does it. I tell him not to back track now, I mean he psychoanalysed me as a stranger, there is no need to pretend that he didn’t mean it. He tells me that I have a lot of friends & people on the chat app, he thinks I am lonely being that everyone around me is in a relationship & sleeping next to someone every night but he didn’t mean it that way “Your so successful in your life especially based on how poor you were when being raised. Your not a loser. You make a lot of money and have done well to get where you are” I remind him that even though I have put my life on hold for work, to the detriment of our first affair & other guys I’ve dated & I am being treated like shit at my work, so while I earn a good wage & yeah I have my own home, it’s not everything. I have put my heart & soul into my work, I fucking love my job, but how successful are you really if you aren’t appreciated & being micromanaged after 5 years?

He replies “I still believe any man would be lucky to have you” I get what he’s trying to say but fuck that just hurts me when he says stuff like that, it always did – why doesn’t he want to be that lucky man? I try to change the subject, it’s not even 7:00am & I’m fucking down about my shit life. “It’s trueeeeeee. I think your fucking amazing but I maybe biased.” I just hate when he tries to build up my self esteem when clearly I am a loser.

We talk about if his daughter wakes up today & he mentions so weird tv show she loves & he says “You are an old lady with no kids” FUCK ME. I say wow & he asks if I’m a bit sensitive this morning. “No… But I did wake up early to a message saying I’m not a loser, when clearly I am…. Loser interests, loser taste in men, loser in my job, single sad loser sleeping alone every night & now old with no kids… Does that about sum it up?” OMG why do we bicker on days we’ve planned to see each other?!

Silverlining dont talk to me

“Argh. I’m just going to shut up now. Your not a loser at all. Your sexy , funny , beautiful,and an amazing friend. And far from a loser.” I say that I want to move on from this conversation because it’s not getting me in the mood to fuck him today & it’s making me want to cry “#IDB4U. Awww. I wanna hug you.”

I remember that the first time we ever were going to fuck, we had a fight all day, I tell him that I doubt I’ll cum today, I’m too moody now. He says he’ll kiss my mood away & fuck I start melting for him, which he knows I will anyway but fuck I hate how easy I calm down when he says something sweet.

To snap me out of this mood, I ask him if there is anything he wants me to bring today, I want to give him everything he’s never had, I want to make all his dreams come true but he says just my wet pussy. I laugh saying it’s kind of a package deal. He says he has no specific requests however I always know what he likes & that he loves all 3 of my holes equally. As I’m picking out an outfit, he says that he doesn’t matter what I wear & I ask why I am bothering. “Cos I unlock you sexy ass slutty side. And you want to be sexy for meeeeee.” I actually get quite turned on when I am getting ready for him, planning what I am going to wear, I picture what his face will do when he sees me, I know that as soon as he sees me – probably even before I’ve walked in his door, that he is semi hard knowing that I am getting closer to his house.

As I drive to his house dressed in the sexiest outfit I have ever worn for a man… I am wearing the nurse outfit he bought me Christmas that I haven’t worn for him, I have knee high white fish net tights that attach to the skirt of the nurse outfit. I am not wearing a bra or panties at all… Of course this isn’t an outfit that I can wear out in broad daylight, so I add the trench coat. I want to wear heels but Silverlining has a gravel driveway, so I wear ballet flats & carry the red patent leather skyscraper heels to his door. As I’m swapping shoes at his front door, shaking & struggling to get them on & stand up straight, he opens the door & FUCK. His eyes pop out of his head, he smirks & I know that he likes that I am wearing a trench coat for him, a fantasy we’ve both had! He has no idea what is underneath & I know that his eyes will pop again.

I am shaking like a leaf as he takes me into his strong arms & pulls me against his body kissing me deeply, pulling me into the house. We kiss & OMG I love kissing this man, our hands are everywhere… I am shaking because I want him to see what I am wearing but I am nervous about him seeing me. I’ve never done this before, I mean I’ve been in lingerie & a cute dressing gown when he’s got to my house before but not in a costume. I push him over to the couch & sit him down, undoing the belt of the coat & I watch his eyes… Fuck his eyes are so expressive. I don’t know how he gets away with lying because his eyes tell me everything I need to know. He is naked sitting on the couch & he is hard, so I kneel down & suck his cock till he is begging me to stop, saying that he doesn’t want to cum too quickly. I slide the condom on him & I climb up onto his lap & fuck him hard, I stick my tits in his face & he kisses them. He says that I have a tiny waist & I know he means it when he grabs it roughly to help me pump up & down on his cock. He flips us over so he’s on top of me fucking me on the couch, I cum multiple times. Fuck I love him…

As he gets close to cumming, he pulls out – I’ve already cum multiple times – lets face it it’s me & him so of course he’s made me cum while choking me so hard I can barely breathe but I love it… He slides his cock between my tits & I beg him to cum all over me, which he makes this noise combined with “Don’t say that & a squinty face right before he loses control & cums all over me. I absolutely love that feeling, why do I love that feeling? He rubs his cum into my tits once he’s done, which I also love. He knows that I love it too. He loves branding me with his cum & I love being branded.

We sit around cuddling & touching, talking about crap & honestly, this is my favourite time with him. Of course I don’t get it uninterrupted because he’s checking his phone for her location as she’s come home before when he has days off, even though his daughter is asleep she could appear at any time. I have no idea what I’d do if she did come home. I mean my shoes are outside that’s a dead give away something is going on. I try not to dwell on that, if it happens, I will deal with it then.

I start kissing him & rubbing his cock, I want him again before I leave & I want to leave before his daughter wakes up, I don’t want to traumatise the poor girl with me in a nurse outfit fucking her dad on the couch. He’s hard instantly, as I straddle his lap again. Even though his cock tastes like condom & my cum, I suck it till he’s hard as a rock & ready to fuck me again. I struggle again with the right & wrong of fucking him without a condom & as I sit on him, dripping wet with how much I’ve cum today, his cock slips inside me bare… OMG it feels so fucking good! There is nothing better than this mans cock inside me without a condom on. This is so stupid but lets be honest, whatever he has, I’d already have it anyway. His face when I start fucking him bare is that of pure ecstasy, he says something & I say that I’m too wet & he slipped in… It makes up both cum so quickly & together. How the fuck do we keep cumming together!?

Of course when we’re done, we literally sit there entwined in each others limbs, sated & both loving the fact we didn’t use a condom. He asks why I fucked him without one & I don’t have a reason, besides I basically rub myself all over him, if he has an STI, I would already have it… I’m not fucking anyone else anymore, so I just went with it.

His daughter wakes up early, even though I was hoping to spend a bit longer with him after we cum, but I jump up & put on my trench coat & & he goes to get her up, I kiss him good bye & leave. There is something shit about leaving like this, quickly & not with a proper goodbye. I mean, I go back to work on Monday & so I don’t know when we will ever be able to see each other again, he will be unemployed soon, so I can’t meet him at his work. I will be at work when she’s at work, plus my work is far from where he lives. I can’t see him on weekends as he’ll have the kids, I don’t know how this is going to work out, but with everything else epically shit in my life with work, I cling onto this one good thing. My best friend back in m life for as long as that may be!