Sorry for the delay in writing this blog. I only write notes & then have to expand on it. I was so sick with hayfever yesterday, I passed out on Phenrgan! So here it is 12 hours late, but at least I’m on time with the day!! Remember I am only posting on Tuesday & Friday’s for a while. If you have a story I can share, please email me!
As I walk out of his house, I feel good, I have quickly changed my shoes back into my flats & walked to the car. Before I even shut the door, I hear my phone buzz & a message from Silverlining “Just going to put it out there. I’m going to remember what you wore today lol.” It makes me smile. FUCK. He can be so sweet & cute sometimes, underneath that ridiculous stupid exterior, he is sweet guy who knows that made me smiles as I’m driving home. I have never done that before for anyone, he knows this but still gives me shit about all the guys I’ve fucked since him, he doesn’t realise that I still have firsts & I still have firsts with him. Sometimes I think he doesn’t get me at all, however then I realise it’s actually about him & his insecurities when he speak to me like this. I don’t condone it – don’t get me wrong, I fucking hate it & I call him out on it. He forgets that I wouldn’t just let anyone choke me, I wouldn’t let just anyone fuck my ass & when he says shit like that about me letting anyone do it or I’ve fucked hoards of men, it’s actually about his self-esteem, not me! He says that shit to make himself feel better, not really to put me down.
As I get home I realise there has been some drama in the group, Silverlining getting himself banned & then cracking the shits at me. I know he doesn’t want people to know who he is or that he’s fucking me, so I don’t unban him & re add him but I talk to the group to let them know he didn’t really do anything wrong. He tells me to unban him & I tell him I won’t, but he tells me that I’m cute & would look cute if I was fighting with him. All he said to them was “What crawled up your cunts?” They say that they don’t like thw rod cunt & I mean I don’t love it either but can we not swear in groups now, does that get us banned? I chat with the group & he ends up getting unbanned without me being too obvious but Silverlining isn’t happy about it still.
I tell him that I am not sure & he says “Do you know what is cute? You pulling faces as you fight your inner demons on wanting to fuck me without a condom while you sit on my lap while your pussy is inches from my hard dick” Is that face really cute, he says yes but not as cute as me wanting his full attention on the chat app. He says that he’s got plenty of other women so he’ll take his business elsewhere. I tell him he’s a wanker & talk about other things, he says that he had to spray Febreze & glen 20 on the couch as it smelt like wet pussy. I wonder if we’ll get sprung because of my juices? Well I mean that was probably the last time I will see him, I mean he is finishing up work soon, I am back at work myself so won’t be able to do day time fucking, I just don’t know when we would ever get a chance again! I say that I hope we can at least catch up for lunches or a dinner when he works again, I really don’t want to lose him as a friend again. That seriously sucked more than losing the sex part. He goes off line without saying that he loves me, but I have said that I love him, I think he’s still pissed he was banned & I won’t add him back. But I won’t add him back because I don’t want to be obvious, I know he doesn’t want people to know who he is. He doesn’t come back online that night either, another sign that he’s seriously pissed off.
I wake up the next morning with no messages from him at all, so I message & get an immediate reply. I know this means he’s genuinely pissed at me. He says that his mum called him fat this week & his partner didn’t say anything to him when he put on a shirt that was a bit tight, so that told him everything & he is at the gym working out harder than ever before. I tell him that while he has put on weight since I last saw him, I still think he’s super sexy & he makes me cum so quickly. “Oh and did I forgot the part where one of my best online friends make it clear that the integrity of her precious group was mire important than me” OMG, is he serious right now? The people in that group were there for me when he chose his wife over mean a year ago. They are people who stuck by me. I was also joking about banning him just like he was joking about not fucking me again if I didn’t unban him. He says he was joking but he is genuinely pissed off at my joke. I can’t even handle this right now, I hate that he gets like this & then pushes me away. I spend so long having to calm him down make him feel better when he treats me like this… What a risky game he plays, I could ruin his whole fucking life with a something so simple & he seems to forget that. Though he knows I am not going to do anything, he knows I am not like that, however I have those thoughts, just like anyone else… Mostly my thoughts of how I can get her to find out again. But what would that do? Nothing. Do I really want him because she left him because of some crazy stunt I pulled? No… I want him to be with me because he wants to be with me. So for now, this is our relationship.
I tell him he is the hottest man I have ever been with, he just thinks hot means body but to me, it means everything, his face, his body (which isn’t the best I’ve been with but he’s still super sexy to me) & our chemistry. I send him a naked body picture telling him I am stil wearing his cum, I also send him a picture in the nurse outfit to remind him how I fucked him yesterday & I offer to go to his work & suck his cock at lunch if he needs a reminder! He becomes vague & distant, not writing back as quick or with long responses like usual, so I say that if he wants me to come suck his dick, I’m free now or if he wants me to stop talking to him. I apologise for pissing him off, because clearly it’s hit a nerve more than I thought it would. “Fuck thought you were joking , allready gone to lunch cos I was fucking starving.” No I wasn’t joking, “That’s for the offer though , your amazing sometimes. I’m just on my period clearly” I laugh & he is back. He says that it’s really pissed him off that he left himself go. I get that & he has stalked some dudes I fucked who are skinnier or buff, but they never made me cum like he does… I love him just as he is.
There is also a rumour going around that the chat app is closing, it’s been going on for months but this time they’ve sent out messages to everyone saying its closing. Which means I have to go back to the anon app with no notifications. I’ll be back at work soon & won’t be able to check my phone every 5 seconds. I’m actually sad that I finally have an app to message him on & it’s going to shut down. Everyone opens up accounts on this other chat app & I create an account in case Silverlining wants to use it but I assume he won’t download it because they have a shared iTunes account & it will come up in their lists… I don’t really understand how that works but assuming he won’t be able to get a new app. However I download it just in case.
I ask him if he has tried the popcorn pork crackle that has just come out which he says no, that the stores near him don’t sell it & so I make a mental note that next time I see him, I’ll take him a packet as I bought 2 but hate it. He says that he has to go offline again & says he’s loves me today for a change.
Well talk all day the next day about how stupid I was with Motocross & he gives me advice about dating, tells me not to be desperate. But I don’t think I come across as desperate to men, maybe I do? I don’t know. Someone once told me to wait three months before having sex with a dude you’re dating, I don’t think I could, I mean I tried not to fuck Motocross too soon but did on the second date, so I tell Silverlining this & he agrees. I’m not sure if he agrees because he doesn’t want me fucking anyone else or because he thinks it might work.
We then get onto weight loss & he tells me about how he & his partner were taking supplements & doing keto & that she lost 30kgs. I start to feel shit about myself, I work so hard to lose weight, look good & always feel fat yet she takes some supplements & loses weight & is probably smaller than me. He says I have a better body than her but I probably weigh more because of my muscle – but he says we’re about the same size – however I don’t think he realises what that does to me to think about her being the same size. Nothing fucks me off more than weighing more than everyone yet being the same size. Why does he tell me this shit? I ask “What the fuck do you need me for?” He replies “Cos your one of my best friends and I love you dumb ass. And you’re way hotter than you think you are. I say goodbye quickly as I’m at the gym & feeling so shit about how his partner is the same fucking size as me…. I don’t know why this pisses me off so much! I mean probably because I kill myself at the gym eating healthy & stay the same but she takes some supplements he gives her & she loses 30 kgs!
OMG it’s making me feel bad now, I’m off to the gym! Hahaha…