Willunga

WOW! Yep, that’s how this story starts, without a doubt this guy was (at that time) the best sex of my entire life. Now I haven’t slept with bucket loads of people (despite what it may seem like though out this blog!) but I have a few notches on my bed post. Willunga was the first casual dating experience, we texted a bit & when he started texting asking me for my photo I was reluctant to send it on, but he said he deleted his online account. When I sent my picture from my online account through he eagerly text back ‘Your Hot!” quickly followed by “You can have me if you want me’ but he said he hadn’t done this type of thing before but would be keen to give it a go. I should go easy on him as he might be a bit shy to start with. I said that’s ok, let’s just have a drink or two & see what happens.

Its midnight when I get home a work function & he comes over shortly after, it’s a bit awkward & I offer him a drink & we sit in the lounge room just chatting, he tells me I’m much better looking in real life & that he likes what I’m wearing. I’ve never done this type of thing either & wonder how we’ll go from sitting on the couch to having sex. I didn’t expect that when I got up for a glass of water that he would follow & kiss me, man what a  good kisser he was… plus he told me what a good kisser I am that I lead him straight to my bedroom.

Willunga was quite open asking me if his cock was ok, because he’s not slept with that many women before & that he doesn’t think he’ll get enough of me, can he crash the night. After that sex, yes you can stay because we’re going to do that again! We wake up a few times through the night & have sex before he heads off in the morning about 8:30am.

The next night I go out to dinner with my friend who I’ve been talking to a lot about this casual dating thing & she said “Ooooh be careful, he sounds nice & like someone you could fall for, I think you need to line up another guy ASAP” – which is where Catastrophe fits in. (coming soon!) A few days goes by, my friend also advise that I should text him, we text a few times, but we can’t seem to set up another date. I keep leaving it with ‘let me know when you’re free’ but I never seem to get a date locked in.

I set up another online account & he comes up as a potential match too, I think maybe I’ll swipe right just to see if he’s swiped right, which he obviously had because we came up as a match, however he deleted me before we got to chat.

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Almost two months go by & I didn’t stop thinking about the sex we had (even though I’ve had sex with other people) when he starts texting me, saying he’s not sure why he text but asked if I had a good time when we did catch up, he was out drinking, so I said stay sober tomorrow & come over, he said he would. But when I text to ask if he was sober, he said he wasn’t & was with friends. I said that’s ok; just let me know when you are sober. He might of got offended as he said “I’m not a drunk.” I replied that I never said he was. I tried the next night for the third & final time to catch up before New Year’s but he was going away so I am leaving that one alone! Damn Shame though, he really was good! Perhaps I should have told him how good the sex was?

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Catastrophe

As I get more & more jaded from meeting bloke after bloke who seem all interested, I then finally get interested in them & then they just stop calling or replying to me. So I thought I’d try the casual dating thing for a while – Definition: no strings attached sex.

To be honest, I thought it would be a lot easier, however it is a lot harder than you may think, not only am I busy, but of course he has a life too, so trying to arrange a time that both of you are free is quite difficult. So when this guy started chatting to me one Saturday night & asked if I am spontaneous I thought “yes I am, the new casual me is spontaneous” we swapped numbers & I text him just before 10:00pm, he said he was going to jump in the shower & would be at my house soon, being that he only lives 15-20 mins away, I brush my teeth & put on some mascara for my second ever casual encounter.

One hour later, I get a text asking if I’m still awake, I reply yes. Another hour goes by & he starts texting that he went to the petrol station but left his wallet at home so had to go home & get it, but he would drive fast to get here. Another 30 minutes go by & it’s almost 12:30am by this stage, I text & say I’m going to sleep, he hurriedly replies saying he passed my exit & now didn’t know where he was. I said get off at the next exit & turn your GPS on. Another half an hour goes by, still nothing. He starts texting quickly one or two words to say he’s lost but still on his way. Another half an hour goes by, so by this time it’s 1:30am, I’ve been sitting around for three & a half hours waiting for this guy, even when he finally texts to say he’s parked across the street, it takes him another four minutes to text he’s at my front door. The joke of this story is, that this isn’t the catastrophe part!

Because I’m already in bed, having waited so long, he sits on the end of my bed & he talks a fair bit, not letting me say anything, he mentions how fast my ceiling fan spins & how big my king sized bed is, even stretching out to measure it against his height, but the real ‘high’ point was when he starts telling a story about how Monarto zoo, ran out of water. Of course I was surprised at the topic of conversation, when he was supposed to be here for a quickie,but also when I asked what about the animals & he said it was the gift shop bottled water, but it was a catastrophe! I laughed out loud at how running out of bottled water in the gift shop could be defined as a catastrophe, to me a catastrophe would be a bushfire at Monarto zoo with no running water at all. So as he realises that he’s just dribbling shit, he rolls over to kiss me.

After not even pulling down his pants, just flopps out over the top, I ‘enjoyed’ six minutes of dissatisfaction before he was finished & said he was getting frost bite from my ceiling fan, he then goes to the bathroom & weighed himself on my scales, I’m still not even sure why. Seems like the weirdest thing to do at a random person’s house!

Catastrophe

I did get a text from him a week later, but I ignored it. There was no way I was waiting another 3 & a half hours for the shittest six minutes of sex ever.

 

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Vesty

Let’s go out dancing, she said, just a few drinks, she said, a quiet night out, she said. Famous last words! We drank glass after glass of wine, we danced dance after dance to the craziest DJ I have ever seen, he played ‘Paradise City’ by Guns & Roses, standing on the window sill hitting his chest, then at the request of my friend he played Barry Manilow. It was a crazy  crazy night. My friend had gone outside to kiss a boy she’d hooked up with & I sat inside with the crazy DJ as the place cleared out.

I think I fell off my chair & my friend started drinking someone’s beer they left on the table, somehow out of nowhere Vesty appears & we start kissing, then the ‘ugly’ lights come on, all the while I’m still kissing this guy. The bouncers kick everyone out & I’m in the street kissing this guy, he apparently asks to take me home, which I agree, putting my friend into a taxi on her own. WTF?

Vesty & I get back to his place, he’s got not taxi money, so I have to pay for it, lucky it was only $15, but I was pissed. I don’t know a lot about that evening, but I must have had enough sense to take off my earrings, necklace & sockettes & put them in my handbag before getting busy with this guy I don’t even know his name, yet I remember asking him many times if he knew what my name was. Again WTF?

Vesty was quite good in bed, up until then I would have put him in the top two, now he’s probably slipped to top five, however I thought this could be the start of my ‘fuck buddy’ roster but as I woke up hungover & soberish, I hear my phone ping with a text, it’s Cruise! I had drunk texted him last night while a song from the cruise was on, I rolled over & looked at Vesty, he is a good fuck but it so not boyfriend material, I look around his room, this is a teenage boys room, the bathroom of this share house is disgusting, like no one has cleaned it ever, I feel like I should be in my early 20’s, apparently this boy was 31. Cruise really could be a boyfriend, I didn’t want to ruin things with him and so I decide then that I will not to ask for Vesty’s number, I don’t know what I will do if he asks for mine.

I text my friend from last night asking where the hell am I & who is this boy I’m in bed with, she writes back his name & suburb! Wow what a good friend for getting all that off him before I leave her to go home with a random guy.

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I wake him up to take me back to my friend’s house, which he reluctantly agrees too (I wondered if I was going to have a moment like Travel Agent!) I don’t know if I should lean in & kiss him goodbye but I don’t & as I get out of the car he does the Shooter McGavin fingers to me & says my name, proud that he’s remembered it & I get out, scurrying inside to my friend’s house hoping that her mum isn’t there, while I do the walk of shame.

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Cruise

Meeting someone on the second to last night of the cruise I went on, was not at all what I expected, especially since I hadn’t even seen this guy around the ship at all, other people you just constantly bump into. I was happily sitting in the ‘nightclub’ having a few drinks with my travel buddy when a very drunk guy asks if he could sit down. I said yes, not really interested in him but we chatted as much as you can with someone so drunk you can’t understand their words. His friend came & sat with my friend & they started talking. When the guy next to me got up & left, probably because I wasn’t talking to him so I turned to talk to my friend & the other guy “Cruise”.

When Cruise got up out of his seat & came & sat next to me, my friend must have gotten a little pissed off. Cruise asked if we wanted a drink, while he was at the bar my friend turns to me & says “I’m going to go back to the room” of course I was a little pissed off myself as this guy was at the bar getting me a wine, I hope it doesn’t look like to him that I asked her to go.

After she left, he came to sit next to me on the couch, where he put his arm around me telling me all about his room, he & his mate had a balcony suite, which I really wanted to see because I was interested in the different between our porthole window. He kissed me on the couch, it was a good kiss & I wanted more. I’m not even sure how we got back to his room but his friend & his mattress were missing! We searched the room & found him on the balcony, asleep on his mattress! He so could have fallen overboard, but it was so funny. I locked the balcony door (including locking his mate outside) & Cruise pounced, however neither of us had a condom so we didn’t do anything. –This was becoming a thing for me! Cruise asked his balcony sleeping friend, but he also didn’t have any either.

The next day, reading in the kid freebar, I forgot my reading glasses & so I go for a walk back to the room to get them but I bump into Cruise, which is bizarre since I’d not seen him once before & this was the last night on board, I took him back to my room with me & we kissed but there was no point getting excited since neither of us had a condom. 20 minutes later, I say I better get back to my friend, which he comes to say hello, then leaves for a nap.

Cruise

Later than night, we bump into each other again, (what are the odds!) he buys me some drinks & whispers in my ear “I’ve rectified the situation we had last night if you are interested” of course I was, but how will we ditch our friends? Somehow his friend disappears again & mine retreats back to our room, therefore we again have nowhere to go.

We kiss for a bit at the bar but we go back to his room & we find his friend snoring his head off in bed, my heart sinks, I turn & say “we’re just going to have to do it on the balcony” I sit out on the balcony as he goes to the bathroom & when he pops his head back out he says “we’ve got 30 minutes,” I crack up laughing but step inside & his friend is walking out the door. ‘How romantic’ I say, he open the curtains of the room & turns off the light so we have moonlight streaming in & he asks if that’s romantic enough. It’ll have to do, we’ve only got 28 minutes now!

We have pretty good sex for being on a time limit, I think I’m still putting on my clothes with his friend comes back in asking how it was! Cruise walks me back to my room & asks for my phone where he puts in his phone number & email address, but I don’t think there will be much future to it as he’s from Canberra!

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Maloo

Have you ever had the sweetest guy ever, that wants to date you but for you there is no attraction at all? No matter how many times he tells you how gorgeous you are & how many times you end up kissing him, there is still no attraction for you. However he’s on the backburner all the time because after all the shit you’ve been though with guys that you are attracted too, he’s there to pump you up & make you feel good about yourself.

Maloo always seems to know when I am down in the dumps & will message me, or make sure I know I am gorgeous. He’s like the perfect guy, just not in the wrapping that I want, which sound superficial, but he’s just not my type. I wish on so many occasions that I felt something for him, he always picked me up from events when I drunk text him.

Even if I post on Facebook that I am home alone just drinking, he would just pop over. He’s not really a stalker but he did always come over without asking & would just show up whenever I was feeling shit or some guy had screwed me over.

One night I text him after my four-year drought of sex & ask him to just come over, for no string attached, sex with me. He agreed & he comes over as he always would but when we started kissing, I tried, foolishly to get him to have sex with me but he wouldn’t. I was so drunk having been out with my family all night but never could get him to put on a condom & have sex with me. I don’t really remember what happened with him that night but we watch Entourage & he leaves.

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Weeks, maybe months later I am drunk & stuck at a local pub with a friend when he is texting me, I tell him which pub I’m at & he randomly rocks up. He drives me & my friend home to my house, she goes into bed, I stay outside talking to him. I ask him why he didn’t have sex with me that night because it made me feel so shit. At that point in my life I’d never ever been so blatant with a guy that I just wanted casual sex.

Nothing ever happens with him, I blame the fact that he has a black ute not a green one which he knows isn’t true, but we both know that there is no chemistry there for me. We lose contact a bit, which gives him a small chance to move on, which he does. He finds a girlfriend & she’s pretty, they seem to get serious.

One night we’re texting & he comes to pick me up from wherever I am, drunk, again! We go for a drive & end up at the beach sitting in his car. When he kisses me I am at a low point in my life & kiss him back for a while. It’s the first & only time I’ve ever kissed a guy I knew was in a relationship. I hate myself for it & I stop all contact with him as much as I can, I cannot believe that I have done it. It’s by far the worst thing I had ever done.

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Perth

I had been so busy with a new job that I hadn’t had time to give my friend all the details of the job & what had been happening, she suggested a night out to celebrate, so we locked it in for Friday night.

I arrive at her house & we have a little platter of food for dinner & a bottle of wine each, it’s about 9:30pm when we decide to head out calling her uncle to drop us into the city. I honestly don’t really remember much about the night, it is all pieced together later, but waking up in a hotel room, in a fancy hotel, with a guy was not at all what I was expecting.

I wake up at 7:00am & try to make a run for it, but Perth wakes up & walks me to the taxi, shoving $20 in my hand, I couldn’t have felt more like a hooker & it was probably the most embarrassing walk of shame I have ever done in my entire life, through the hotel lobby, in the elevator, then getting into a taxi out the front of the hotel. Yep, hooker! Funniest part about that is that we didn’t have sex because neither of us had a condom.

Anyway he was from Perth, which is why he was staying at the hotel where we were at in the nightclub. So later in the day he starts texting me asking what I was up to & could he see me tonight, I thought what the hell so I said yes. He texted all through the day & further into the night saying he was going to have trouble getting away from his friends but he would work it out. I explained that I live about a $70 taxi ride from the city, which he said was no problem.

He got to my house about 11:00pm & we fooled around a bit, but he wouldn’t put on the condom that I did have this time, so we just went to sleep. When we woke up early in the morning we talked a bit, I remember him offering to fly me over to Perth to see him, we fooled around a bit but again he just refused to put on the condom, I couldn’t really work out why he would travel all that way to refuse to put one on.

Then he jumped up saying ‘let’s have a shower’ we were kissing in the shower & it was hot, that I just said ‘fuck me’ he said ‘seriously?’ I said yes but he replied ‘let’s get out of the shower’ then when we got back into bed we didn’t have sex but I asked him if he had A.D.H.D. He laughed, but I couldn’t work him out.

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At 10:00am he started getting texts asking where he was because they had a tour to go on at 11:00am so I dropped him back into the city, in the car he asked ‘if I lived here would you want to see me again’ I was a bit taken back, but replied ‘yes.’ He kissed me goodbye when he got out of the car, I wondered if I might end up living in Perth!?

We text a few times during that night before his flight late on Sunday afternoon, he added me a friend on Facebook, but then ignored my text when I text him later in the week, I ended up asking if he was still talking to me, which he said he was just busy. I never spoke to him again & quietly deleted him from my Facebook a few weeks later – I guess I’m not going to be living in Perth!

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Batman #2

Batman comes back on the scene via text. Really, what is wrong with me? Am I so desperate & starved for a little bit of affection that I allow men back in my life who have already done something to hurt me? How tragic I must be.

Batman & I text for a week, he talks about how bored he is & how he hasn’t been out since we caught up last, he texts me on Saturday morning & so I again ask him out, suggesting that we go out for a drink that night, he says I’d love to but probably have to work on Sunday, I kind of give up on him then, by 3pm he text & said yeah he has to work. Fed up I just reply with the good bye message not wanting this to drag on any longer. I say ‘you’re obviously busy so I hope you find what you are looking for.’

To my surprise, he replies! Totally unprecedented, no man would ever write back to that unless they were interested? He replies that it’s not fair; he does like me but is really busy since he’s working a contract job that he’s never sure of the hours. I reply leaving the ball in his court for when we will catch up, not wanting to feel like a fool again.

Later in the week he texts saying he’ll knock back work on the weekend so we can catch up, which is not what I wanted entirely but it was sweet. He offers up Friday night drinks, I have to work at 7:30am on Saturday so am just keen for a dinner or a movie, he says he really wants to drink & starts to backtrack on his offer. By the end of my work day, he’s decided that he’s going to go out with his mum to the local pub, What is with this guy & his mother?

We actually talk on the phone on the way home from work Friday & he says that he’ll just go out with his mum Friday night because he doesn’t want to have to get up at 7:00am to go home after going out me, um dude, who says you’re going to go home with me again? We leave it for Friday night & decide that he’ll come over for a drink on Saturday night after my family dinner.

I get a text about 6:00pm asking how I am, I reply. By 8:00pm he asks if I am drinking & saying how crap he feels, saying he ended up back at some people’s house on Friday night & he thinks they spiked his drink because he hadn’t eaten or slept yet, to be honest, I had been waiting for this ‘I can’t make it’ text all day.

By 8:30, he wasn’t coming over as he was going to spend time recovering. Tipsy & angry, I simply text back “Ok whatevs” I never hear from him again, which is not a surprise at all. Why would he text at 6:00pm to ask me how I’m doing but then by 8:00pm he’s too tired? Will I ever understand men?

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I must be the tool here… What’s that saying – Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice? That’s me!

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