Month: Oct 2018

MIA Undies

Many years ago in my 20’s, even way before Boyfriend, I used to go out drinking every weekend with friends & I think this particular incident happened at one of my birthday outings, or at least is was someone’s birthday. This was also the night that I lost my brand new phone, it was a Nokia 5110! (Fuck I’m old!). I was always the most drunk out of everyone, not something to proud of but it’s what I used to do. Not that much has changed but I am a lot less ridiculous!

Drunk on the dance floor used to be the place I would pick up most, bumping & grinding with the dude that wrapped his arms around your waist, some of the time it would end there, but this night, at a nightclub by the beach he asked me to go for a walk. We left the club & went to the beach. I don’t really remember it that well but from what I remember, we didn’t really go to a less populated area before we sat & then ended up having sex on the beach. Once we were done, I kinda of remember thinking ‘What the fuck (WTF wasn’t invented then!) am I doing?’ I jumped up still fully clothed but missing my undies, I look around for them, I can’t find them. I ask him where they are, he can’t find them either.

I go back to the club & find my friends, I think leaving sex boy because I don’t remember ever talking to him again. But I enlist a guy friend that we’re with to come outside & help me find my undies. This is also before torches on your phone so we’re just looking, maybe not even in the right spot, for my missing undies. We can’t find them so I end up going home undie less, yet while we’re out there looking for them I make my guy friend who was helping me take off his shirt & give it to me because I’m cold. He’s got a singlet underneath so I apparently think it’s ok to take someone’s shirt, which I never gave back. It hung on the back of my door for years, till I think I gave it to Boyfriend.

MIA Undies

So how would I rate sex on the beach, well sand is just dirt, cold, damp dirt that sticks to everything, gets in crevasses that it shouldn’t, chafes you in places that should only be treated nicely. I imagine that it would be like for him wearing a condom made out of sandpaper. Perhaps people have had better experiences than me but I’ve never tried it again, maybe one day I’ll venture outdoors again.

I’ll never know what happened to that brand new purple Bonds g string but I have a sneaking suspicion that the boy I had sex with took them, put them in his pocket when he took them off to keep them as a souvenir, where else could they have gone?

#IBD4U

Checklist

Most women have one, I’m sure of it, a checklist of what their dream guy would have, not necessarily in looks, unless they have a specific type, but all their other attributes. I’ve talked about it a few times, mine is long, but I never ever expect anyone to have all of it, this is just my dream list:

  • Makes me laugh
  • Likes music, live events & going out
  • Honest
  • I find them attractive
  • Chemistry
  • Well-travelled
  • Own a house/unit/apartment
  • Educated
  • Working full time
  • Drives a Holden or decent car at least
  • No kids, doesn’t want kids or has kids of his own already.
  • Single
  • Family orientated
  • Good in bed
  • Love an accent!

But let’s face it, no guy is ever going to have all that & if they do, they are usually with one of my friends! (Hahahha… eh)

Checklist

None of this actually matters with someone you actually like, for example Milky hadn’t been overseas, he did own a house, don’t think he was tertiary educated, he didn’t have a job for almost two months while we were seeing each other, he drove a ford, he didn’t have kids & I assume he was single, he made me laugh, he said he liked going out yet we never did, he was family orientated, fairly honest, I found him attractive the more & more we caught up & he was good in bed!

You can see why my friends think I am fussy, but this list stems from my own accomplishments that I think would be attractive to a man, I have a house, I’m educated, I’m very well travelled, my job is great, I don’t have kids or baggage but all this equates to for most men is that I’m intimidating. I scare them off by being a smart independent woman.

I generally only use this list when I know I am never going to see them again, it protects my heart a little, I can say to my friends ‘Well he had nothing on my list anyway’ when probably in truth, the list means didilly squat..

Now my list is:

  • Someone who actually likes me

#IBD4U

Milky #3

At this point, Milky gets a new job so I guess that’s why I don’t see him for a couple of weeks, he still is reliable & texts on Thursdays at 7:30 pm to ask how my week has been & then we always text for a bit, working out if each other is free on the weekend on not. We only catch up twice in a month when before that we were seeing each other weekly, so I keep my casual hat on even though I stayed over at his house before having to meet for a friend’s birthday lunch, where everyone said how amazing I looked, yeah because I woke up, he spoon fucked me before I came to lunch – of course I look good, I’m rocking the ‘just fucked look!’

But then he’s busy one weekend, the next weekend I’m away in the infamous Moonta doing stupid things with a complete jock of a boy! He texts me to catch up the following weekend on the Friday night (we usually do Saturday nights) & I’m busy, I have friends coming over, so I say come over after, but he said he’d be asleep by then & he’s got a 21st on the Saturday night.

I’m not sure if any of you have read that book ‘He’s just not that into you’? Well basically it says that if a guy isn’t trying to sleep with you, then he’s just not that into you. There is no variation on this rule; any excuse a guy uses means he’s just not that into you. I mean that book should be burned, because I always come back to it, assuming that because Milky wouldn’t stay awake long enough to come to my house means ‘he’s just not that into you’ so I should say no worries & move on.

Sitting all alone on Saturday night, about 7:30 pm when he texts to say he’ll be finished about 10 pm so I could come over then. I don’t know why, but I pretend that I’m out for dinner & say ‘yeah sure, I should be finished dinner by then so let me know.’ So while getting ready for being ‘fake out for dinner’ it gets to 10 pm & still nothing more from him. At 10:30 pm I think he’ll text me soon, so I’ll get in my car, go for a drive closer to his house to presume the dinner pretence that I’m not 40 mins away at my house. I make a deal with myself that if he hasn’t text by half way, then I’ll put petrol in my car & go home (like a loser!)

He doesn’t text & I get all the way home, in my Pj’s & think I’ll just send him a quick ‘Sorry we didn’t catch up text but I’ve just dropped my friend home & I’m on my way home too.’ (WTF? There is something wrong with me…) Anyway he finally texts apologising saying his sister is his ride but should be home soon. We text a bit & I end up saying that I could still go to his house, if he was still awake. So I go… Yes I’m stupid but at this point my vagina is thinking for me. So I rock up about 1 am, like a booty call, and we have a drink watch some ridiculous Asian subtitle movie, that had to be some sort of satire before he kisses me, we fool around for a while before I realise what his game is, he’s prepping me for some ass sex. I seriously lose count of how many times he makes me cum with his fingers, his mouth, his fingers again, I’m so relaxed & satisfied that he’s able to slip it in my ass before I even really notice it. It doesn’t hurt me at all like it had with other guys who do the “surprise anal”, it just feels amazing, I had a feeling I would like it, but I didn’t realise just how much! He switches positions & I end up lying on my front for him to finish & me to go again! We shower & go to bed, everything seeming normal. The next morning, he gets up, gets dressed but comes back to bed & says he doesn’t want to kick me out but his dad is coming over at lunchtime, I basically jump up & leave. I’ve never felt more used than I did that morning.

Milky #3

When his usual text doesn’t come at 7:30 pm the following Thursday night, I feel even worse about having anal sex with him, but I have to be up at 5:00 am on Friday, so I text him as it’s the time he wakes up too. I don’t get a response till about 6:00 pm where we text a bit, but I’m out so I text back later when I am on the tram & say how I’ve parked at the entertainment centre (which is close to his house) but by the time he invites me over or says ‘you could have stopped into my place after the show haha’ but I’m over halfway home & bloody buggered as it’s almost 10:00 pm & I’ve been up since 5:00 am.

The next night I am at a wedding, I text him as I’m leaving about 11:00 pm to ask what he’s up too, he says just drinking & watching TV. I said I’m leaving & driving home now. He cracks a joke about me falling off furniture & that’s the last I hear from him that night. I can’t help but feel like he’s pulling away, I know we’re not exclusive & we’re not in a relationship but have I stuffed up something that wasn’t even anything with the first boy I’ve really liked in ages?

#IBD4U

Moonta

I heard a comedian tell a story once where he was never lucky with women, then he finally found someone who loved him & they became boyfriend & girlfriend that all these other women came out of the woodworks & suddenly found him attractive. I believe there is a phenomenon that once you have someone, whether that is casual, serious or not even monogamous that others will find you more attractive. That’s how I met Moonta!

On a weekend away with six girlfriends for my friends 40th, things were relatively normal, in a group of four flats facing the beach. We went down for a swim & looked back at our balcony to find a what seemed topless woman, playing what seemed to be a game of strip mini basketball with her boyfriend. When he stood up & flashed his bare ass, we know it’s a game of strip something!

Having a wine on the deck, nude boy pops his head over (he’s now in footy shirts) & asks if we saw him naked, when I said yes & had a laugh he asked if we wanted to play a naked game. I laughed explaining that we were six women here for a fun weekend but that wouldn’t include nakedness. We talked to him for a while, which somehow resulted in him cooking our BBQ that myself & another friend were going to do, so we went out to the BBQ to be polite & to supervise.

We talked more to this guy, who seemed like he was on drugs as he was grinding his teeth & his toes didn’t stop moving, but when we talked to him more, he explained that we could call the girl he was with “his wife”, when she came out with their meat for the BBQ, we invited them over for salad, but she declined. Fair enough, she was there for a dirty weekend with her husband!

After dinner, Moonta popped his head around our corner again to chat & play his music for us. Another friend gave the birthday girl a pack of Cards Against Humanity. Moonta & I were the only ones who’d ever played it so we had to explain the rules. During the card game things didn’t seem right with Moonta & his woman, she mentioned driving her husbands car up there, she seemed to imply that they weren’t a couple at all, he was 28 & she was 45 & Moonta wasn’t wearing a ring. Not my problem.

At the end of two rounds of hilarious cards, I was winning & the birthday girl had had enough, we packed up but Moonta wouldn’t leave even with his girl saying they should go back to their room. She left him & everyone went inside, I thought, this guy isn’t going anywhere so I hung back to talk to him (being the only one close to his age) but I never expected things to go the way they did…

He wouldn’t leave, when I asked why he said he didn’t want to go home & that he found me “so hot”, being that it isn’t a descriptive term I hear often or ever, I laughed. The chick he was with had washboard abs, perky tits & was relatively pretty. I never hear that from guys, ever. Hot is not a word I would ever use to describe myself. So I ended up going inside, thinking this guy is delusional.

I went to my bed room to get changed in my Pj’s, tidy up my bag a bit & who appears at my window? Moonta, telling me how hot he thinks I am, how much he wants to fuck me, I try not to entertain the idea, when I hear his woman come around the corner, I hide behind the wall & stay there till I can’t hear their voices like some sort of idiot. Rolling my eyes, I head back out for to the group in the lounge room for another wine.

The friend who helped with the BBQ comes out of her room after having just gone to bed saying that Moonta was standing at her window blowing smoke in her room & asking for me. I am secretly excited, but think what the fuck, this guy is here on a dirty weekend with a married woman who is hot, what the hell would he want with me? (I may need to work on my self-esteem!)

I go outside to find him, he immediately starts telling me how hot he finds me, I explain that I’m “kinda seeing someone”, he says that’s fine, he’s happy just to talk, tell me about your boyfriend. So we sit on the retaining wall & I feel stupid telling him about Milky, who is unfortunately on my mind, do I want to jeopardise what I have with him? (do I really have “something” with Milky to jeopardise?) but do I really want to pass up a sexy night with this hot guy for something that may not even be anything?

Yet when he leans down to kiss me, I’m thankful he’s taller than me & I kiss him back, he tried to put his hands in my pyjama shorts & I pull away. This guy is here on a dirty weekend with a chick & I have a Milky – don’t I?. Moonta really knows how to get a woman into bed, I mean some of the lines he came out with like ‘I want to date you’ & ‘we don’t have to have sex, we can just talk but you’re so hot I want you.’ He keeps trying to kiss me, but I keep pulling away when she comes around the corner & sharply says his name like his mum. I tell him to go, that nothing is going to happen with me, he tried to memorise my phone number (yeah right!) & then tries to remember my name to add me on Facebook. She comes around the corner again “are you serious?” I pushed him away & walked away back inside, never to hear from him again. Probably for the best anyway!

Moonta

I didn’t tell Milky about the kiss (we’re not exclusive, I mean I’ve asked if he’s sleeping with anyone else which he said no, but we’ve not had the talk) But what this encounter made me realise, is that I actually might like Milky a lot more than I wanted to, or is he just the first regular guy I’ve slept with that has show some sort of interest in me?

#IBD4U

Hipster

I met Hipster on a site that I didn’t even know was a site you could chat on. But somehow I worked out the app by sending a post out about how I am really attracted to guys who make me laugh & several guys start chatting to me, specifically one who wanted to play truth or dare. (little did I know, this was a usual game on this app, designed for teenagers!) I really had never played truth or dare over text or chat so didn’t know what to even say to this bloke.

I chose dare so I seemed fun & cool so when he asked to see a picture of my best feature, I tried to crop a photo of my eye but ended up sending him my whole face, (basically because I didn’t know how to use this app) which he said he liked & then he sent me his photo. He looked kinda hipster in his scarf, baldish head & goatee & he wasn’t the type that I would go for at all. But I decided to “give him a go” as I should think outside the box of men that I usually go for. Maybe this would be different.

We talked about hobbies & we had a few that were the same or similar & that’s when he decide to introduce himself, when he said his name & it was the same first name as Milky, I immediately thought of him! & that’s about when I started thinking how whatever I am doing with Milky, it actually could be something more. I really didn’t initiate conversation with Hipster too much as in my head I didn’t want to ruin things with Milky for just a random guy.

Hispster

When Hipster asked me if I wanted to catch up, I said maybe, even though I had an epiphany about what I wanted with Milky, I still thought I needed to put some distance between Milky & I, since I had probably told him that I wanted casual, I didn’t want to start planning the wedding, maybe a date with someone else would take the pressure off?

But when Hipster gave me his number, I couldn’t go through with it, I wasn’t really feeling it with him, like the banter was ok, but my heart was never in it. So I told him I was kinda seeing someone (not completely untrue in my eyes) & l wasn’t sure what “it” was yet, so he said yeah cool don’t worry about it. Then I never hear from him again.

#IBD4U

Swiss

In my younger years, before boyfriend, I went on my first overseas trip to Fiji. I was so excited to be finally going overseas, it was a massive dream. While I am a well-traveled individual now, at 20 going overseas for the first time, I was a bit of a late starter, in comparison to my friends. I was going with one girl friend & we were going to spend 10 days in Fiji, 5 on a Beachcomber island and 5 on the main island at a resort. The first 5 days were apparently going to be spent on the party island.

When we got there, the party island, was tiny, you could walk around the whole thing in about 10 minutes. People only spent one or two days there & they all slept in backpacker style accommodation however my friend & had a room with a private bathroom. For being in our early 20’s, we probably should’ve been in the share accommodation, it might’ve been more fun, however people we met, called us snobs & rich because we had a private bathroom.

One night at the bar we made friends with two other chicks from Sydney, we also met a guy from Canada, a guy from Germany & a guy from Switzerland. We were all drinking way too much & ended up doing some shots. My friend & I somehow even got behind the bar to take a photo with the bartenders.

I started cosying up with Swiss (as we all started to call him – I don’t know how real name) & my friend with a German guy. I don’t really remember how things happen but I ended up back in my room with Swiss & we start kissing & have sex, before my friend comes knocking on the door to come in with the German guy. Swiss & I leave the room & head to the tennis courts. I’m not sure why we gave up the room, but we did. We try to have sex on the tennis courts but I get sore knees (hahaha) so we retreat back to closer to the room, where we find a hammock. We fool around & have sex in the hammock before just lying there under the stars of Fiji.

Swiss

The next day, Swiss is off the island & I am extremely hungover. He says he’ll keep in touch but this is actually before the days of Facebook so I never hear or see him again, nor do I try to contact him – not that I would know how anyway. But it was nice to have a summer romance & literally weeks after that encounter, I end up with Boyfriend & in a relationship. I had everything I ever wanted, so I didn’t worry about the boy I fucked in Fiji. But now I kind of wonder what it would be like if I met someone like that now days, with Facebook.

Oh actually, hang on….

I did & it’ll probably just end up like Cruise/Cruise#2. Never mind.

#IBD4U

Milky #2

After the night at his house, where I got really drunk & fell off his bed, (much to his delight & he reminded me often), we text lots but I get sick with tonsillitis & so I don’t see him that weekend, but we chat about how hilarious it was for him to mix wine & vodka, me falling off the bed & some other cocktail that he made that reminded me of the smell of fly spray, he said he wanted to get me drunk again, I said be careful what you wish for, next minute he’s revealing that his three wishes would include some rope, handcuffs & a vibrator.

As we explore this line of conversation I realise that he is into a bit of BDSM, so far I’ve enjoyed everything we’ve done, including him spanking my ass, standing up to have sex & him pulling my ponytail but I tell him that I’ve never been tied up before but don’t mind being pinned down with my arms above my head. He says he’ll have to show me his toys sometime. I say that I need to trust the person before I let them tie me to something, he agrees & says that just think of a “casual thing like trusting a friend.” My heart sinks, I’ve been building this thing up to a bloody full blown relationship. I wanted casual, I’m sure that’s what I would’ve said to him, he gave it to me & now I’m wanting more. What is wrong with me?

We work out for him to come to my house the next week & he says he’ll bring some toys, I agree thinking that it might be interesting & something that I enjoy since he’s been the only guy to ever make me cum by just playing with my nipples (yes that’s a thing!), I figure that whatever we do will be just as good & if I don’t like it I can just tell him & if I don’t want to, I never have to see him again anyway, right?

I decide to read a book on kink to make sure I know what I’m in for, not just a apparently lewd love story version like Fifty Shades of Grey (which I did enjoy nonetheless!). I read ‘SM 101 – a realistic introduction’ & I’m not sure if it makes things worse. It talks about trust quite a lot, because this person could just tie you up & torture you to death (great thanks for that thought!) so I think I freaked myself out a bit. However the book is mainly about Dominant/submissive relationships, which I don’t think I’d be cut out for, I couldn’t look down all the time or only refer to a partner as master.

Milky #2

But next time Milky comes over, he pulls out a rope, paddle & a butt plug & says he’s thinking he could tie me to my pergola or my ottoman, I say I’m not ready to be tied to something yet, so he just packs it all away & he kisses me & we just have some kinky moments (look away mum!) where he makes me cum standing up with his finger in my ass but then vanilla sex. Yet he never uses any of his toys that night.

For those of you who have read fifty shades of grey, you can see how this story is turning more & more like it (without the hot millionaire) & to make this even more lifelike, one of my best friends met a guy online just before Christmas (at this point, I’d been sleeping with Milky for about 2 months, semi regularly) then after New Years they become boyfriend & girlfriend, yet here I am discussing if I want to be tied to my pergola or not…

#IBD4U

Ibiza

My friend & I were travelling through Europe still for 5 weeks a few years back, the same trip I had the Manchester evening in Croatia. We picked different countries that neither of had been too before. So we planned Spain, now you can’t go to Spain without a trip to Ibiza.

Our trip was a very tight trip with everything we wanted to fit in. Stupidly I think we went to 7 or 8 countries in 5 weeks, doing our own thing, not a tour so it was pretty full on. We booked flights to Ibiza & with our schedule, it meant we were going to be there less than 24 hours. It was pre-season, so the clubs weren’t open yet however there was one nightclub doing a special gig that we bought tickets for.

We went to the local shop, got some drinks (which were super cheap!) then we went back to the hotel, hung by the pool for a bit & got ready for a big night out. Now being in Ibiza, the party capital of the world, we thought we should get there early so we didn’t have to line up & also cos we had an early flight the next day.

We rock up to ‘Space’ nightclub. The music is pumping but the place is empty. Much like the Croatia nightclub. We sit at the bar & have transvestites chatting to us who were promo girls, while other guys taking to us didn’t believe they were men. It was worrying that the massive club was basically empty. Maybe this was a mistake!

Ibiza

But just like Croatia, the club starts to get packed, we start dancing & drinking way too much. Well especially me this time.

We start dancing with this bunch of guys, all wearing bunny ears. They all speak Spanish, no English at all & I try out my Spanish skills trying to talk to them, however it does not go well, especially in a packed loud nightclub. I somehow end up kissing one of them. He very cute, beautiful brown hair, beautiful tan, tall, exotic & just what I needed that night. I remember walking around the club with him, possibly trying to find somewhere we could have sex but not succeeding.

I go back to my friend & she is relieved to find me again, saying I’d been gone for ages. Really? Whoops… What was I doing? Kissing a sexy Spanish guy, that’s what! We trek back to the hotel, luckily she was more sober than me. I was so drunk, I don’t remember much besides what she’s told me. But I had such a good time I remember shouting over the music at one point to her “I’m never growing up!” & let’s face it, I haven’t!

#IBD4U

Manchester

Travelling through Europe with my friend for 5 weeks had a lot of ups & downs, we headed to Croatia for 10 days doing a island hopping tour. While staying Dubrovnik my friend decided that she wanted to dye her hair bleach blonde like Paris Hilton from dark brown, so she booked an appointment at the hairdresser. While we waited we sat down at a oyster bar for her to try the fresh oysters & I had a glass of wine. When she went to her appointment I wandered around shopping, eating, soaking up the culture. About 5 hours later, she still hadn’t text me, so I went back to the hotel, had a shower, jumped in my pyjamas & settled down to read my book, I figured that she would find me when she was done.

She got home shortly after me about 7:30pm & even though her hair colour looked nothing like Paris Hilton, it was more of a golden blonde but it looked amazing. We talked for a bit thinking that we can’t waste her amazing new hair do on a night in at the hotel, lets go out for a drink? So I jump up about 8:30pm & start getting ready, she says ‘are you serious?’ I said sure, why not? So we got ready, had a drink at the hotel bar (boring!) then caught a taxi to the town centre. We asked the driver were we should go, so he dropped us at a nightclub about 9:30pm.

Music was pumping, lights were flashing as we walked down the stairs to this underground club, but we walk into a fairly small room, with two or three booths & a few stools with tables but it’s almost an empty room! We both pack up laughing but decide to give it a go. We order drinks, mine comes in a bucket, yes a bucket, like one you would take down the beach to build a sandcastle. Several of those buckets later & the place was filling up, three fairly older German guys share our table & we make friends with them easily, leaving our stuff with them (WTF!?) while we dance on the dance floor!

Manchester

Disclaimer : Pic is real!

It’s not long before it’s hard to move in the place, it’s tiny & it’s packed full of people, all dancing, trying to get drinks. My friend & I are dancing away, taking selfies & generally feeling like we’re 20 again. It was such a fun night (from what I remember) but somehow I start dancing with this guy, a British guy (of course) from Manchester so we dance & end up kissing on the dance floor. I must really be in my 20’s!

I’m grinding away on the dance floor when my friend comes up to me & says ‘I have to go, I’ve got food poisoning’ she tells me to stay & rushes off. Stupidly I let her go & stupidly she doesn’t force me to go with her, so she heads off & I stay in the arms of Manchester.

We end up outside chatting & he invites me back to his hotel, I ask if he’s sharing a room with someone which he says no, so I think whats a little holiday romance. We jump in a taxi & it’s going further & further into the hills, but we arrive a nice hotel & go inside, we walk through all the nice part & kept walking, to what can only be described as a dorm hall, this is confirmed when we walk into a dorm room! There’s another couple in a bed in the corner but apparently that doesn’t stop me. I guess I really am in my 20’s!

It’s probably one of the weirdest sexual encounters, I never had sex in a dorm room in my 20’s so it’s kinda crazy doing it in my 30’s. I have no idea if the sex was good or not, I am sorry to say I don’t really remember it. But I get up afterwards & get dressed, doing the walk of shame though a Croatian hotel/hostel to ask the concierge to call me a taxi, I feel like a hooker standing outside waiting. I get home about 5:00am, hungover as fuck, dying for a drink of water & my friend is up. She’s been sick all night, coming out of both ends – those bloody fresh oysters. She’s drunk all the water including the mini bar water. We end up spending the whole next day at the hotel only venturing out for water & some greasy food for me! But man Croatia was a beautiful place!

#IBD4U