Month: Dec 2019

Being at Rope for a few months now, I have been stuck in the beginners class being tied by the wrist for months, it’s getting to the point where I am a little over it & want something more. I know that my new friends at Rope have been trying to find me someone to tie with on a regular basis but it’s not as easy as that as most people that go are couples. Yet another time I hate that I am not in a couple! It sucks big time.

Ripples tells me to post in the private group for a regular rigger sometimes people stop coming when they don’t have someone regular but if they see a post on the Facebook page they will reply & come along. I do but don’t get any response from anyone, maybe because my Facebook profile picture has been a bitmoji since Noodle’s partner found out about us as I knew she’d be stalking my page & I didn’t want her to see what I look like anymore than she already knew.

Ripples calls me one night to say that a guy called MilkyBar Kid, who I’ve seen around but has been tying with another chick, will need a bunny for rope week. Rope week is a week organised around the fringe in Adelaide, it’s a week long of events & parties, classes & you need to be a regular rigger/bunny couple to attend the classes. The chick that MilkyBar Kid has been trying with is actually doing rope week with Ripples so MilkyBar Kid needs someone to tie with. So I message him & ask him if he is looking, he says that he isn’t really but also sort of is. He doesn’t want to blind side his bunny on Monday night at rope, which I get, I don’t want to piss anyone off or steal anyone’s partner. He stops replying so I don’t really know what he wants. However on Monday it’s all ok, his partner goes with someone else & I am with MilkyBar Kid. It’s a bit awkward for me to be honest, I mean this guy is a lot taller than me & I feel like we’re awkward together. But now I have a regular rigger. Rope might be more fun.

However MillkyBar Kid & I are awkward, everyone hugs everyone at rope but I’m not much of  hugger, so I hug no one – you all know that I won’t approach someone first, so unless they come to me, I don’t really say hello to people I don’t really know. I do like that MilkyBar Kid asks me if I’m ok, if I’ve had a good day, all the things a rigger should ask prior to tying you, even if they know the answer because it’s your partner, they should not assume that because you’ve had a good day, that you’re ok to be tied in a fancy tie.

He also always shows me his scissors & where they are so I know that he has them handy should anything go wrong. But even though he does all these things, his tying is boring, I am standing there locked knees & thinking about other things I could be doing. Thinking about the blog posts that I need to write (Remembering that at this time, I was only just posting about Noodle, so I was reliving that relationship & drafting the posts constantly in my head.) Having been to Bossman’s & being tied by a teacher, a professional, I have realised that being with a beginner can be very hard & boring as while he is trying to learn, I am just a dummy there for him, there is no excitement for me, the rope doesn’t pass past my neck & make me move… It just is there. It’s just happening around me. I am not really looking forward to Rope Week with MilkyBar Kid as its 4 full days of rope over 2 weekends with 2 events on the Friday & Saturday nights. Mainly because I have had an awesome rope experience with Bossman & now I’m going to go back to just being tied, while I stand there thinking about other stuff.

The first 2 days are actually a lot better than I expect. The teacher tells MilkyBar Kid that while his ties are impeccable, he can do it like clockwork, with his eyes closed, but his work is soul less… WOW.. So that’s what I’ve been feeling. He tells us that there is a moment he calls “The Cat Food Moment” which is when the bunny is standing around thinking about getting cat food, sort of like I explained I was doing. I wasn’t ever focused on the rope or what was happening to me, I was thinking about other things.

The teacher shows MilkBar Kid how he can get me to react, he understands that we aren’t partners but he explains that it can still be intimate & sensual. The teacher runs rope along my neck & the feel of it makes me move my neck & close my eyes, the teacher gets MilkBar Kid to see my reaction & shows him what rope should be like for a bunny. So as a further experiment, he blindfolds both MilkyBar Kid & I, then tells him to tie my in the usual TK. I think not another fucking TK but with my eyes blindfolded, with his eyes blindfolded, he has to feel me, not sexually as we’re not sexual partners, but he has to feel where he is putting the rope, he has to feel it all & to be  honest, it was the best time that MilkyBar Kid had tied me, up until that point. Even when he unties me when he takes off the blindfold is 1000 times better. I tell him that he’s improved a lot & it makes our time together a lot better.

The next weekend, I’ve been to the shows & been stood up basically by another guy (Story to come) that I am in a foul mood for the rope classes. Somehow the rope teacher this week either senses the low mood within the group or it’s just her style but she does a lot of floor work, she doesn’t suspend as much as other teachers. She basically does a lot of freestyle & she gets MilkyBar Kid to tie me in a ball on the floor & it feels great.

From then on every time we tie together, he is much better, while still learning, he is more aware of how it is for me, just standing around while he works out how to tie. I get it, I’m not criticising him because I mean I can’t tie at all. But it is much better for me & I hope it much better for him too.

We tie together for a few months before Ripples asks me to go to Rope event in Melbourne with him in September & tie with him until then. I hear that MilkyBar Kid is leaving Adelaide & moving to Canberra so I ask him if he minds if I change partners. MilkyBar Kid says that he was going to talk to me tonight anyway about finding another partner. Turns out the he has a girlfriend now who he wants to tie with, so it all works out in the end. (All single people get into relationships around me…) I end up tying with Ripples that night & we become rope partners.

#IBD4U

So you all remember at Switch I bid at an auction for charity, which turns out that it was on someone as a slave for the evening, when I was drunk as a skunk! We postponed the slavery that evening, thank goodness because I don’t think I would have remembered it anyway. So I’m glad he & his partner were ok with postponing.

He asks me every time I see him at Rope to give him some dates, he even messages me on Facebook to give him my availability, but I honestly feel like a wanker. He’s become a friend that I think he probably would’ve done this for free, but anyway, I’ve paid $200 to charity (no receipt so I can’t claim it on tax. FFS) Anyway he suggest his place but says that they are happy to come to my house – ok so she’s part of the package too. I’m not really sure what he is planning, what is expected. But when he says that we’ll spend a couple of hours doing rope then we’ll have lunch, I relax. I have no idea what is expected & think I need a few drinks for this.

Turns out, I didn’t need drinks for it! Turns out it was an amazing day. I went to their house, met their dogs & we went out the back where they have a suspension rig set up. I had his partner talking me though what I should be feeling as a bunny & explaining where the ropes might feel tight & where she likes them being placed when she is suspended.

Having watched them in the show in rope week for the fringe, I soak up everything she tells me about being a bunny, getting her perspective is invaluable to me & I think it’ll make me better for my rigger. So far I have struggled to tell anyone when it doesn’t feel right, I just let it hurt, thinking that it should hurt. But quite the contrary it should hurt in a good way, but not in a way that hurts me or injuries me.

Bossman also talks me though his safety implements & asks what I like, what I dislike, what I want out of the session too, before we even start anything. It’s refreshing, having not been kinky really with anyone who is involved in the kink scene, I am glad that he takes the time to go though his ideas for the afternoon too.

We don’t need to build trust as I know this guy & I’ve met his partner a few times, I am not worried about that. However I think that if anyone is planning to meet someone for rope you need to make sure you trust them. Remember when Milky wanted to tie me up, I wouldn’t let him tie me to something, I worked my way up to that & then by the time I was with Noodle, I was tying myself up for him. Hahaha… But it’s important to have trust in the person that is tying you up.

We try several suspensions with Bossman’s partner talking me through it. It is the best thing ever for a bunny because there is no Bunny school, rope classes are all about the Rigger. I always thought that I just had to stand there & try to look pretty, but when being suspended, there is a lot more to think about. Including being able to speak up when the ropes aren’t sitting right, sometimes they hurt & just need to be “dressed” which is just when the rigger runs his fingers between the rope & your skin to smooth out the ropes.

He tries one more tie with me, but I am up in the air for about 12 seconds when I say that it really hurts & I don’t like it, so he gets me down immediately. This is also what a good rigger should do, anyone who doesn’t get you down right away is just a jack ass – even though I didn’t safe word him.

Bossman’s partner goes inside to prepare lunch & Bossman says that he’ll do some more sensual rope with me. He ties me, including my pony tail (Which seems weird but it feels really good to be honest) He doesn’t suspend me but ties me up all over. I shut my eyes the whole time & as he unties me this actually feels like a massage, he runs the rope all over my skin, my neck & I reckon if I wasn’t standing up, I would fall asleep. When he’s done, I’m almost disappointed. That felt so good, I haven’t had a feeling like that since I last had sex or kissed Noodle… Out of all the men I have been with since, this is the first time I have relaxed & not thought about him.

We all eat lunch & chit chat, they are so lovely & I am glad to have met them. But as all things that happen in my life, this friendship gets infected with the private play party crew & I stop feeling comfortable around these people. Even when Bossman is chatting to me about applying for a position at my work.

Later than night, when I am taking off my gym tights, I see the bruise on my upper thigh, that is actually 3 different shades of purple. I’ve never seen a bruise like it before, it looks like a sunset! It is there for weeks & every time there is a rope on that leg I feel it. It never really goes away because after this, I find a regular rigger & I am suspended a lot more… Stories to come, stay tuned!

#IBD4U

I’ve been to a few Switches now, it’s a kink event at a club every month in the city. It’s a bit similar to SleezeBall. I have become friends with people so I have people to hang with when I go & I get to play a bit, mainly with Rope & Ripples.

There is a few stories to share in this post as all the Switches aren’t long enough for their own post like I originally planned, so I’m condensing a few into one post instead.

Again, like I’ve said before Noodle wouldn’t have ever gone with me to Switch, I’m pretty sure he’d call me lame for even wanting to go. But I don’t think that I would even want to go if I was with him, but I’m all about trying new things now. Opening my mind to new things & opening up to the possibilities… Not because I am super kinky like Noodle thinks I am, but because I have lost my best friend & I want to find something to replace that.

Anyway one of the switches is a black & white theme. I don’t really do themes like everyone does, they all go all out, but I usually just wear a skirt & corset. However, just before Noodle’s partner found out about us I bought some lingerie for him that I never wore, one “top” was a gold rectangle piece of glomesh with 2 chain straps. That is all. Literally I wore a gold hanky with no bra out in public! I was so nervous about wearing this top that I got wasted before we left my house like an 18 year old… Not just a bit drunk, I got so wasted, like trashy wasted, so terribly wasted that it’s not pretty for a 37 year old to be! I am so drunk that Ripples refuses to tie me, I try to pretend I’m sober so he will, but he doesn’t suspend me – which is a very wise decision looking back now.

There is an auction going on & I somehow find myself bidding on a man we’ll call Bossman, who runs the Rope classes. FUCK… What am I doing? It’s up to $200 when it stops & I win… OMG What did I just win? I have no idea what I am bidding on to be honest. What the actual fuck! Why didn’t someone stop me. FUCK. $200… Jesus.

I don’t really know what happens the rest of the night but when Bossman comes up to me to ask me what I want to do with him, I think what the fuck! I have apparently bought him as a slave. Oh good! (I wish you could see my face as I say that!) I actually somehow am able to get the words out that I am too drunk to do anything & hope that we can do some rope another time. He tells me that he has to ask his missus if that’s ok with her, which I agree. She comes over & I meet her too, she’s super lovely & I think she realises how drunk I am too that she says that we can catch up another time. Oh thank god… I cannot believe that I have done this to be honest, I don’t have fucking $200 to give to a charity!!! Anyway look out for the blog post titled Bossman to get the next instalment of this story! Fuck I can be such an idiot!

The next switch I go to I am going to drive in because of how embarrassing I was at the last Switch. Ironically I don’t drink much after that evening, even now, I don’t drink a lot. I cannot believe how drunk I was. I have been drunk before & I have been wasted like that before but not at a kink event where I could so easily be taken advantage of. Luckily I know enough people to be protected but I never want to be like that again.

Anyway a friend says that she is going in too, her friend picks us up & a few other people & I meet my usual switch crew in at the club. I watch the shows with my friends, it’s the fringe version of Switch so there are lots of non kinky people there, including a friend who has just come along to check it out as they sell tickets via the fringe website. People think they’re coming to a show, which they are but they don’t realise that people attend these every month!

I enter a competition at my hairdresser, I can’t even remember what it was, but I won it. So I decide that I am going to use the hair appointment for a hair do for the next switch being that it’s about the only time I go out these days. I can’t remember the theme but I decide that I am going as a ladybug so I also get my makeup done & go all out for this switch – my mum had given me a nail voucher for Christmas that I decide to get my nails done. I wear some glitter tights & I look amazing, I feel amazing. Ripples ties me up suspending me & then using UV wax on my shoulders, this is the first time I have had public proper display like this where I feel good & don’t think about how fat I am. I fucking love it. The photo’s taken & shown to me later are amazing. I can’t believe that I look that good. (A moment of high self-esteem – don’t get used to it! Hahaha) I have a great time not drinking much & find that I really enjoy myself!

The next day I am going to Ripples house to do a photo shoot with him & his partner’s step mum who is trying to build her portfolio. I wipe off my ladybug spots on my face but leave the eye shadow & leave my hair done. Ripples ties me a few different ways, I feel uncomfortable with one of the ties but other than that, I do love the photos I get with rope.

For the first time I am distracted, I am enjoying my life again, even if I know what Noodle would say if I told him… I am really just enjoying life…

#IBD4U

My first venture to Maslin Beach included an invite to return with the couple who I went with in the first place. I knew they would fit in with some of the crew from the Private Play Party (little did I know that I wouldn’t fit in with that group of people for much longer!) that I thought I would ask if they mind if I invite a few other people down too. I particularly wanted them to meet the organisers of the weekend, obviously because they have been swinging longer than anyone I know & I’m not exactly a swinger being that I’m single – but felt like they could meet some new people & get into the groove.

I ask the Private Play party people if they want to come & some say they will come. I am hoping that I’ll get down there with a few for the day & then others will come at night, however the couple say they have to work & won’t be there till later, another couple says they won’t be there till later either, I invite LJ with me too, since he said he was going to go anyway. So I think it could just be him & I at this point.

A few of us end up at the beach, I again refuse to take of my bather bottoms, I mean I had at this point lost about 30 kgs, from over 100 kgs, so I am still conscious of my gut & the overhang, that at least the pants cover that bit that I’m worried about. We have a really good day & I actually end up enjoying going to Maslins. More than I ever thought I would, I guess because I know that Noodle would hate it.

It’s a really fun day & also the first time a few of these friends have ever been to a nude beach, which really surprises me. I mean this is only like the second or third time at the beach myself but I would have expected that people who swing on a regular basis would go to a nudist beach.

Having been a nude beach virgin only a few months ago, I heard about the Nude Olympics (however they apparently aren’t allowed to call it Olympics anymore) & thought that it would be a fun day out. I knew people going, but didn’t really have people to go with. A friend that I feel comfortable with wasn’t going so I ask a couple of other friends & head on down to see the nude Olympics. The funny thing about this day is that I never actually see any Olympics! The people I went with went later in the afternoon so I wasn’t there as long as I would have liked. There is obviously lots of nudity on the beach & also bloody new cameras, so I hide away from them as much as I can.

It’s this day that I realise just how much the private play party dislike me, I am still not sure what I have done to them but it’s obvious that I have done something… Every time I’m in the water, some of them get out. Every time I am on the beach some of them get in the water. I try not to let it worry me, not everyone has to like me of course, but I am kind of hurt by this being I still don’t know what I have done.

I guess I really want someone I can go to the beach with & just hang out. It’s mostly couples & older dudes down there & even though I know that Noodle never would have come down there with me & lets face it, if I was with him right now, I wouldn’t have ever gone down there. Like I have said before, the only reason that I am trying these new things & fucking so many other guys, is to get over him, to forget him, to find something else to focus on. But yet again, none of it is working.

Being at Maslins with couples, just makes me sad for a partner. Regardless of if I ever come to Maslins with this partner, I fucking want one! I want someone to talk to every day, I need to replace my best friend. I need to replace Noodle somehow… I can’t call him my ex, I don’t want to replace my ex. He isn’t an ex, but he was my best friend. I miss that more than the sex…

#IBD4U

A long time ago, I decided I didn’t want kids. I have talked about this many times in the blog. I do love kids & I see kids in my life but not my own kids. I know this is hard for people to understand that I don’t want them, usually they say that I’ll change my mind but I hate even more when people say “You don’t understand because you don’t have kids”  in actual fact, I understand what having kids means so much that I choose not to have them of my own. I understand how difficult it is, that they have their own personality, that they will do what they want when  I am just as stubborn! So I hope my future partner has them – if he wants them so the pressure is off me.

I know this isn’t my usual dating blog post but I want to talk about this because it’s quite a significant thing for my life & I think this will affect my dating life moving forward.

Noodle always threw in my face that I didn’t know what it was like to have kids & that because I don’t want kids of my own that he’d be a burden to me, but that was his issue, not actually about me – it was an easy excuse for him, I know that…. I mean I’m the one that told him that he’d get full custody & the kids could live with us, so fuck knows why he thought I didn’t want his kids…

Anyway as you may remember the day Noodle said goodbye to me the first time, I stopped taking the pill & lost another 8kgs. (Admittedly I wasn’t eating for 4 months while going through that turmoil) but I realised that when I am on contraception I put on a lot of weight, easily. So I spoke to my doctor about permanent contraception ie: tubal ligation (Basically clips will go onto my fallopian tubes to stop the egg from descending into my uterus) It can be reversed (as everyone seems to point out) however, why would I go through with this surgery if I ever intended to reverse it? The reversal surgery can cost thousands of dollars & has very low success rates – this is not a short term plan for me, get a tubal ligation that I plan to reverse… It seems so odd for people to say that. But literally the first thing people say when I say I am having it done.

I finally get my GP to refer me to a gyno & on my first visit, I never thought she would agree, however she did say that she believes in a woman’s right to choose & if I allow her to talk to my GP – who I’ve been talking about this with for a while, she will book me in. I have tried other forms of contraception & all the same, I have a lot of easy weight gain. Since stopping any form of hormones, I am much more regular & I also am able to lose weight a lot easier. This is also not advice for anyone, but hormones are just not right for me. I have been taking the pill since I was 17 & like you all know at one point in my life just before I turned 30, I was over 100kgs. So hovering around a normal weight of 70ish kgs, always seemed like a distant dream.

The surgery is next Monday. I have just paid the hospital the fee, my boss asked if I am nervous. I am not. I am excited & can’t wait for it to happen. Even though I am not currently having sex with anyone, I am happy to be getting it done. I always freak out during sex & am scared that I’ll get pregnant. I don’t really believe in abortion as a form of birth control & having tried a lot of other contraception methods such as being on the pill since I was 17 to basically mid 30’s then going off it, losing 35kgs, then going back on it & putting on 10kgs. Going off it & losing the 10kgs, I am happy to have this done in the hopes that my weight will stabilise but my anxiety when having sex will be reduced.

I guess the one concern I have with this surgery & making this final decision, is telling a future partner. I mean I always have had it on my online profiles that I don’t want kids but if I had a dollar for every time someone said “You might change your mind” I’d be rich enough to retire. Hahaha. But going through with this now, without Noodle, it’s the only time that I really think, am I doing the right thing?So the surgery went well, besides being excruciating pain for a couple of days after, I think because my insides were screaming to reject the clips just clasped on them. I still get asked when I tell people if it’s reversible. I’m not sure why I would go through all that pain to reverse it! It was the most painful thing I have ever had done & I had a breast reduction 7 years ago, this was way worse!

Fast forward to today – Almost a year since the surgery, I haven’t regretted my decision & my weight has stabilised – even loosing more weight. There is only one down side & that is that when I am seeing someone, I can’t just skip my period & have sex whenever I want. I have to plan carefully when I can see a guy.

I tell this story as part of my blog as it is part of my story. I guess you will have to wait & see how much the will affect future relationships.

#IBD4U

On a weekend away with 2 girlfriends, I know I am annoying them by talking about Noodle, but fuck I just can’t help it. I mean I still talk about Boyfriend & Milky even Origin. Especially since starting this blog, I talk about these men more than ever. We talk about my blog a lot because we’ve also been looking at developing it into a podcast. This weekend is a bit time for us to plan & develop this.

During the weekend, with all the talking about exs both my friends ask me why I don’t fight for Noodle? It’s been 5 months since I last spoke to him, I’ve just had my leader of a broken heart epiphany, Why don’t I fight for it? I honestly think this every day. I know he’s thinking I don’t care for him & that I’ve moved on – he said that to me several times when he was trying to end communication with me the first few times & so he’s making his life what he can with her, still believing he is happy.

I do want to fight for him, I want him so badly, even now… But I also can’t – there are too many things that happened that I can’t forgive right now. I am not in a position when I can really handle him telling me for the 4^th time that he is not leaving her, giving me bull shit excuse after bull shit excuse as to why! I get that he’s scared of losing his kids & scared she might hurt them, herself or him, but I’m not sure I can hear the excuses again.

That night, after a few drinks, I am in bed thinking about it nonstop, “should I fight for him?” I decide that I need to ask a magic 8 ball for some guidance… I am not usually like this (or believe in a magic 8 ball) but I need something to make the decision for me so with Phoebe Buffay’s Voice in my head “Ohh it’s not a toy” Hahaha. So I download an app on to my phone, saying to myself, whatever it says – I will do, even if it says no, no questions asked. I will drop it.

Download complete, I open the app, shake my phone & say “Should I fight for Noodle?”Fuck! I was not expecting it to say that!

Immediately, I think of ways I will get in contact with Noodle. If I text him she might see it & it might cause drama or he might not respond. If I call when I know he might be at work then he won’t have time to chat. I think I could stand at his car on a Tuesday night & wait for him to come out of work, tell him I am still in love with him & never stop thinking about him. I think about using an app that I don’t even know if he is on anymore or not. I think about going to his house, I just need to follow what the magic 8 ball said.

I struggle to sleep that night, I wake up numerous times thinking about what I could do to see him, to actually make him listen to me. I know her maternity leave is coming to an end, their oldest would be starting school at the same time, so maybe even I could go to his house?

I am now insanely overthinking this… I was in a better position before my friends confirmed what I have been thinking for 5 fucking months! Now that I know that they are thinking I should fight for him, I can’t stop thinking that I should fight for him!

When I wake up from that shit sleep, it’s almost like something has switched in me. I am not ready to face Noodle & I know that he is not ready to face me. I know I can’t live my life thinking that he & I might be together in the future (& I am not living my life like that) but I don’t want to ruin the chances of that happening by trying to push it too soon, before either of us are ready. Although if he ever reads this blog, I’m pretty sure he won’t want to be with me anyway… or maybe he’ll actually realise the depth of my feelings for him? I hope the latter, but again I’m not holding out hope that he & I will be together.

So while the magic 8 ball told me to fight for him, I choose not too… To be really honest with you, the only reason I won’t fight for Noodle is because of his children, but not because I don’t want kids. I was actually so excited to have his kids in my life, but because I am scared what she might do – to him, to them, to herself… However the kids deserve better than to see their mum & dad fight, verbally & physically. It hurts & pains me, but I know, magic 8 ball or not, that I am making the right decision.

#IBD4U

Goodwin messages later that afternoon to see how I am, but I was napping. He doesn’t reply – yeah I knew I wouldn’t catch up with him twice in one day. I don’t know what it is about men, why wouldn’t they be open to casual sex twice in a day? Is it that he has to travel to me? Why didn’t he message to see if I could pick him up from his party? Did he pick up or did he ?

He messages the next day saying that he is hungover as fuck, I respond then I get nothing in return. He reads my message that he could reply too but doesn’t… Fuck, this guy is fucking annoying!

After Christmas I get a message asking how my Christmas was, but then he doesn’t respond. After a day at the beach with friends & a couple of beers, I’d had a wine & beer when I got home because I was bored & was sitting there a little horny & so I message him. He doesn’t respond till the next day (what a surprise) saying that he was out with friends & what did I get up too. We message a little bit & get onto 3sums but he never offers to see me again. It makes me realise how much I want a proper FWB, but what I really want is an actual boyfriend. I am sick of this messaging about what I want sexually with 20 different men but never actually getting it.In the new year I get a message asking if I’m back at work, I toy with not replying because this guy isn’t a FWB at all, he’s not even a benefit at this point – nor is he a friend. I stupidly reply because I haven’t had sex since I saw him last & I have no one on the roster. When I reply he says that he is hoping to see me today in an hour, about 12:45 pm, so I figure, I can squeeze him in before the beach, then at least I have some fun for the new year. I’m constantly thinking about Noodle & his sex life. (WHY I HAVE NO IDEA!)

He says I’m an aggressive kisser, I ask WTF does that means & he says that it’s a compliment & I should take it. Not many people kiss with their tongue & I use mine a lot apparently (don’t they? Who doesn’t kiss with their tongue?) but when I say maybe he could’ve said I was passionate not aggressive, he agrees that he used the wrong adjective – I’ll say…. OMG who wants to be aggressive?! He says he’ll finish up work & let me know when he’s on his way.

2 hours later, I still haven’t heard from him, I’ve cancelled the beach trip for this guy at this point but also because the wind has picked up & it’s not so hot –  so my friends & I decided not to go. I organise to play pool with a friend, so I need to leave in 45 minutes. He finally messages saying that he’s about to leave work, almost 2 & a half hours later. I say that was the longest hour in history when he replies “Give me a break, first day back at work, more to do than I realised” I’m like dude, it was your idea to leave work & meet me, not mine!

20 minutes after he says it’ll take him 25 minutes to get to my house & I say that I can stretch it (because I know my friend will understand as she likes sex as much as I do & also it’s not set in stone that I meet her at 4:00 pm), he messages to say that he’s just leaving… Like seriously WTF? Does this guy want me to just say no? Why didn’t he start messaging me at like 11:00 am to catch up if he didn’t really want too. I don’t even understand what is happening right now.

I stupidly write back ‘speed’ & allow him to come over even though I have less than 10 minutes to fuck him, but seriously, there is something wrong with my vagina! Hahaha… It wants sex when it can get it, which lets face it, isn’t getting a lot lately. Last year I had like 5 FWB in the rotation, fell in love with one of them, this year I can’t even find a dude to fuck me when I’m free. But again I don’t want to keep adding notches to my bed post, I never wanted to fuck as many men as I have since Noodle, so when I find someone that’s good in bed, I try not to let them go. I am constantly thinking that Noodle didn’t love me because he is probably out there fucking other women. But I am out here fucking other men to get over him… So I can’t keep thinking about the women he might be fucking.

Goodwin gets to my house & we kiss, he tells me that I’m shorter than he expected, I suppose last time I was in bed the whole time lying down. He takes a while to get his shirt off & as he’s pulling down his very tight pants he tells me that he came off his bike & has broken both his feet, as he peels his pants down & shirt off, he’s covered in band aids. He struggles to take his pants off & I say that’s probably because they’re so tight. I have my dress off & am waiting for validation that he thinks I am hot in my undies but he doesn’t say anything. His eyes don’t pop out of his head like Noodle’s always did…

We fuck & it’s good, he uses a vibrator again to make me cum then gets me to suck his cock to cum himself – which doesn’t take very long. Lucky that he used the vibrator otherwise this would have been a waste of time. I am all for using a vibrator during sex however if that’s the only way this guy will get me off, do I really need him? I can do that myself. Although I always say that a vibrator doesn’t touch or kiss you but right now I am scared to kiss him because I don’t want to be too aggressive.

Afterwards he leaves & I don’t ever message him & he doesn’t ever message me. About 3 months later, he sends me a shirtless picture… At least it’s not his cock I guess. He tells me that he hasn’t had sex in 2 months & that he moved to Byron Bay for a few months, I end up send some pictures of me at Switch (stories to come) & we don’t really chat much after that. I guess my kink scared him off.

He comes back after another few months & tells me that he didn’t think I was into him which is why he didn’t keep messaging me. What the fuck would give this guy that idea?! I mean I replied to every message & invited him over, what more does he want?!

We agree to catch up the next day, he says that he can’t wait to see me & get some of my “dirty kissing” I write back saying that I am excited to see him too, that I woke up thinking about it today.

At 6:00 pm, I still haven’t even heard from him, nor has he read my message. I am so angry, he was only just saying that it’s shit when men bail & as if anyone would bail on me – blah, blah, blah! The next day, yes the next day at 11:00 am he messages to say “Fuck. I just got home. Had a huge weekend in the end. Phone went dean & no on had bloody google phone chargers. Stayed at my mates  & we ended having a Sunday sesh as well. my apologies.

I ignore & he tries yet again a few months later after I have been though a lot with me – more stories to come… & He says that he was around the corner from my house. I ignore him again… I am done with this guy. Why the fuck do I keep giving these douches such a chance?!

#IBD4U

Little did I know who this guy was when I first met him. He is one of the teachers at Rope & the friend that I met there introduced me too. I didn’t realise that he was in my group on the chat app until she said. She introduced us & I went to my beginners area. Later during the class I’m stuck with a guy just tying my wrist, thinking this isn’t that fun, when my friend ask Ripples to tie me in a TK. I really enjoyed that & think that if I have a regular rigger, I’ll enjoy rope – not necessarily for a sexual thing but for a more of a public display. I have mentioned Ripples a few times in previous posts.

I work out that I have chatted to Ripples a fair bit on Fetlife (kinky facebook) ages & ages ago, even long before I met Noodle. I never knew who he was. He’s not Ripples on the chat app, but I heard someone call him Ripples at rope & I put 2 & 2 together. But because he had no pictures up, his age said he was close to 50, & because it’s me, I never kept the conversation going. Plus I guess I met Noodle & didn’t really go on my Fetlife account much, except to share pictures of Noodle, not that I used it much before Noodle or really at all since.

Ripples & I chat on the chat app a bit more & he ends up tying me up at Sleezeball too, afterwards he asks if I’d be interested in a more private setting, he’d come to my house & practice some rope that he was planning for a party he has coming up. I agree a little apprehensive because I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea about what I wanted from him. I also don’t really know him all that well & I’m allowing him to come to my house & tie me up. I let a friend know what is happening & ask her to check in on me if I haven’t text her a few times throughout the night. Safety is a very important thing when you are entering a kink scene with anyone.Ripples comes to my house & it’s fun, he tries out a few ties & takes a few pictures too, I love sharing them in the chat app group because I’ve become a bit of an exhibitionist I guess since meeting a few others that are willing to share too. I guess sadly, I’m validating my existence by being in these chat groups. But at this point, I know I am still sad over losing Noodle, but I trying to move on & not think about how much he would hate any of this. I am enjoying it for now & even though I tell Ripples about the recent break up (although he knows a bit from the chat group) I relax with him & enjoy the session. He shows me a few new ties that I obviously haven’t had before, taking pictures & sharing them with me later.

A week or so later, he asks if I want him to come over again, I say yes, I had fun the first time, he says that he’s bringing a friend who wants to watch. Ok, bit weird – I’ve never had this before so it’s a bit weird for me, but I am open to the idea, but alright, this is just about rope anyway. She just sits & watches as he ties me up outside, I try to make conversation but I’m also trying to concentrate on staying still. He ties me in a TK where my hands are behind my back then lifts up one of my legs. When he says that he’s going to tie up my other leg, I worry a bit that my pergola isn’t going to hold me. I think I am in my head too much for this, this is my first time suspended but also I am worried as I am wearing a dress & I am concerned about my undies or what they are both thinking about me.

But my pergola does hold me… I end up being tied by my arms, which are behind my back & legs like superman in a way. He takes some photos but because I’m being bitten by mosquitos, I say we have to go back inside. He tries out another tie with some purple rope that’s a little more scratchy, but I like it.We message later & he says I should come to his place because he has a space where he can tie me. He’s now in a relationship with the chick he brought to my house so I am more at ease with him. I know he is tying with someone so he’s not going to be someone I can tie with Monday nights but I am more open to tying with him & learning how to be a proper bunny. I really want to let go & learn more about this art form.

I do feel though that this will be better with a partner, a regular rigger regardless of if I am in a relationship with them or not, I do want someone to get to know what I like, what I don’t like, how to do it right. I feel like this is the same thing I am looking for in a sexual partner.

#IBD4U

So I’ve posted other blogs about what women want men to know, written by others & other types of blogs but I’ve never written one myself. There are things men should know when they are dating a woman, a woman like me who is an overthinker. This is not a one size fits all post, lets get that straight now, however, I’m sure this is pretty relevant for some of my readers… Especially the overthinking ones!

A friend once said to me that I have high expectations & it made me think. Yeah I do, I follow though, if I tell someone I am going to be there at 5:00 pm, then I am there at 5:00 pm. So I expect the same from them, you know 10 minutes late for me is considered extremely rude. So I am on the fucking dot. I’m that annoying friend, I know! Hahaha. If I say that I am going to text someone, then I text them – I don’t say I will if I won’t. I might intend on texting someone & forget, but I haven’t set up that expectation that I will prior – if that make sense. Does that mean my expectations are too high because I expect the same thing in return? I don’t think so, but my friend does.

I know I obsess & I twist words to suit myself sometimes, (or all the time hahaha) you just have to read this blog to know that’s what I do, I am aware that I do it & I try to think rationally a lot more now that I used too, but I’m sure I’m not alone here… I am a true overthinker with major self esteem issues – who has also been very recently diagnosed with anxiety. (So even the thought of the Cocktails with #IBD4U that is coming up in January 2020 – check out my Facebook invite – is stressing me out – even though I want to meet you all so badly, I am worried!)

People reading my blog contact me all the time saying they feel like they could’ve written some of my blogs, so I’m assuming it’s because people are similar to me & I’m not alone in this. I over think, I obsess, I twist words to suit me & I get angry when things don’t go my way. I don’t mean too, I just do… I’ve been single a long time. It’s annoying when things don’t go my way.

So I’ve been thinking about what I want men to know about me, or about the type of person I am…. I have been drafting this list for a while, I have a lot more male readers than I ever thought I would have, so here are some things that I want men to know. Well mainly here is a list for any future guy that I may date…

1. Be honest, if you want a hook up, then just say it. Don’t tell me you want a relationship when you really just want to get your dick wet.
2. If you say you’re going to text or see me. Then do it!
3. Make plans – don’t make me wait. If you want to see me again, ask me.
   • If you don’t, then tell me, so I am not waiting around like a loser.
4. Be chivalrous, offer to pay sometimes, pull out the chair & open the door.
5. If you don’t have time to reply to my message, then I’d prefer if you didn’t read it. Just wait till you have time to read & reply. I hate when my message is read but not responded too.
6. Don’t be late…
   • If you are late, text your ETA prior to the original time
7. Don’t play with your phone when on a date, unless you’re using it to show me something. Same goes for your smart watch.
8. A lot of effort goes into getting ready prior to a date (even if it’s just Netflix & chill!) – Shaving, waxing, shaping, straightening, exfoliating, changing sheets etc (things men obviously don’t think about), so bailing last minute is beyond rude.
   • If you do have to bail last minute, then apologise & set up the next time to catch up.
9. Don’t ghost. Ever. Be a decent human being & tell the person that you’re no longer interested!
10. If you like me, tell me. I am dumb when it comes to feelings, I don’t know.
11. Start out as you intend to go on. If you text me daily, I expect a text daily, don’t let it dwindle off as you lose interest or get me where you want me. We don’t have to text all day, but at least a good morning or good night message would remind me that you are thinking of me.
12. I am affectionate but I struggle with showing it first. Please help me out by making the first move.
13. Don’t say you’re busy or been busy as an excuse. It’s SO offensive. I am busy too, but you can’t be that fucking busy you can’t reply to my message in a 24 hour period.
14. Flirt but don’t be a creep about it.
15. Don’t send me a picture of your cock. If I want to see it, I will see it in real life.

I’m sure there are more things to add to this list – Which I know makes me seem high maintenance, however, I’m really not… All you need to really do, is text me back & not be a hoe! Hahaha.

#IBD4U

This guy will also be a relatively short one too. I will have a lot of these shorter ones coming up actually – I didn’t use to write about people I never met, but some of these stories are worth the read. Hahaha. They are part of my story & I think they need to be told just as much as the major stories, because the choices I make in the significant stories are because of how the smaller insignificant stories have shaped me too.

So this guy Big Show joins the chat group by being added by someone I have become friends with, they don’t seem to be together so it’s ok & I think he seems pretty nice, his picture is him in a mask covering most of his face but he seems to have nice eyes. I private message him first, which again is unheard of as you know, but I am trying to move on here, I am trying to do different things.

We chat, he’s a FiFo (Fly in, fly out worker) & I think this is perfect. A friend constantly tells me that I need a FiFo worker because then I can be alone when I want & be with him when he’s home. It’s the perfect relationship! Hahaha…So I think this might be perfect, just what I need.

But this guy ends up sending me pictures of his dick & then jerking off videos – remember the first one I ever got & I was appalled, now I don’t even bat an eyelid, I just watch it & think why the fuck does a guy you don’t even know think that is sexy or will turn me on?

Anyway we talk a lot, almost daily about general shit, not all day like I have been used too but we chat a fair bit to be honest. Why does this always get me into trouble? Why am I addicted to the chat?! It’s good to have a distraction & not just a guy trying to meet me for sex & then ghost me. He can’t meet me, he works away!

We chat though out the day & I also tell him that I have a lingerie fetish, it started with Noodle, but I still have it & am still buying stuff – not even sure who is ever going to see it again but I am buying stuff. So Big Show asks me to show him, I send him a lot of pictures. Don’t get me wrong, I have sent a lot of pictures in the past. But I don’t often send pictures to people I don’t even know – I haven’t actually seen this guys full face yet & here I am sending him picture after picture of me in lingerie.

As I start to trust him a bit more & we chat more, I open up about fucking married men, not on purpose, but I tell him about the recent debacles I have had & he askes if I’d do it again & I say no I wouldn’t. I may not know what I want right now from a man, but I know that I don’t want to fuck another married man as long as I live. That’s when it hits me… He’s fucking married! Why else would a guy ask that question?! He says that he is & I fucking throw my phone down & scream into my pillow. I feel like such a wanker! What the fuck, I have been sending his pictures all fucking day! I have been opening up about things that are really painful for me to talk about & this guy is bloody married.

I ignore his message that says “But I have a goal im trying to achieve” OH like whatever dude… Fucking achieve your goal without hurting another woman… That just fucks me off more. The next day he says “I guess it’s cya later then” I stew on if I should write back or not for hours. Till I snap “You should’ve been honest with me… I shared a million fucking pics” He says that I never asked, which infuriates me even more. I tell him that it’s a cop out & he should’ve told me. A week later he sends a message “Sorry” I tell him that it was a delayed reaction & he says “Haven’t been on the chat app for a while. But with that response I’m not sorry then” I ignore him, I bet he hasn’t been on the chat app because he was home with his wife!

A couple of days later, I haven’t replied to him so he send “As much as I say I am not sorry hahah I really am. I just hate attitude” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! I ignore him, as much as I want to write back, at this point, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. I fucking hate this interaction now. I can’t believe that this is what online dating is like now.

The next morning I wake up to a picture of his cock… Seriously!

I am thankful that I get a new phone around this time & so my chat app history is deleted… I hate that I have been through this yet again, it seems like this kind of bullshit will never stop for me… With a new phone, new chat app account. I delete everything & am only in a couple of groups with friends. I pull right back & stop using the app a lot. I need to gain some of my sanity back!

#IBD4U

This is going to be a very short one, so don’t settle in with your morning coffee expecting a juicy post! Sorry, spoiler alert! New Year’s Day 2019, I see a notification pop up on my phone from the online dating app, so I look because I’m not doing anything else. This guy has added me, I return the like, we exchange the usual pleasantries & then he asks for my number. I generally don’t give out my number, so I ask his name & why his name on the site is Newtovic. He says he’s in Adelaide but has been interstate. He gives me his number & I think why not, we’ll send some texts & all will be well. So at this point, we’ve sent about 10 messages on the dating app to each other, so this is really quick for me, before I am sending him a text saying ‘Hey Newtovic, its #IBD4U’ within seconds my phone is buzzing in my hand & my wrist is buzzing from my watch with a number not saved in my phone. Surely he’s not calling me? FUCK. I absolutely hate when they do that! This is why I don’t give out my number.

I answer the phone, it is him… Insert eye roll here… He tells me that he’s moving house but the owner has just reneged on the offer so he’s had to stay at his hotel because he’s just moved to Adelaide. I’m not sure I believe this to be honest, but anyway. We talk alright for a few minutes but then there’s an awkward silence where he says he was just checking a text about another house option & I wrack my brain for an excuse to get off the phone as it is a little awkward right now. I get the feeling that he wants to dirty talk with me or is looking for a place to stay tonight, I’m not really 100% sure what he wants, but I know that I don’t want to meet this guy yet. If the conversation doesn’t flow well on the phone, it probably won’t flow well in real life. But he asks me if he can take me out on a date & I say that he can – not sure if I want to go… He says that it’ll be a nice dinner & some flowers – sounds ok. I say he doesn’t need to buy flowers with a little laugh as that would make me feel uncomfortable, I think. We talk a little more but the we say goodbye & before he hangs up, he says that it won’t be the last time I hear from him.

I think ok, it was a tad awkward but it was a phone call, a phone call I wasn’t prepared for, so let’s just see what happens when we meet face to face – see if he follows though with the flowers! I mean give the poor guy a go, he put himself out there by calling me & I did start the call by asking why he is calling me. Whoops.

A day later, I go online & he’s deleted me! WTF… Fuck me, really? I guess that will be the last time I hear from him after all! A friend says maybe he will call or text, that maybe he’s just deleted his online account. Oh I love her optimism. But no, I will probably only ever hear from this guy again if he’s horny & it’s really late at night, otherwise never again!

Ironically, a year later & I never heard from this guy again… I am not really sure why people do that… The “We” talk. We’ll do this, we’ll do that, when they have no intention of following though with it.

Again, with meeting people like this… I just miss Noodle. Nothing stops me from thinking about him, fucking nothing.

#IBD4U

I meet this guy online, we start chatting easily, he starts off by saying I must be very popular as other profiles are awful, I guess that’s meant as a compliment?! So I ask how, I don’t think my profile is that great, he says that there aren’t many appealing women or any that he would go on a date with. I assume he’s trying to give me a compliment, but he’s not doing a very good job.

Then he says something interesting “I’m not even asking for an exclusive relationship I just wanna adore a lady if she sees others.” my interest is piqued, even though I don’t like to chat about my kinks & sexual history with men because it always seems to get me into trouble, but I figure he’s trying to tell me that he wants an open relationship, which is pretty much where I think I will go if I ever find someone, because I have been alone so long, I don’t know if I can be monogamous, I mean I was in love with Noodle & kissed T-Bone, I also fucked Orbit while with Noodle… I don’t know if I can be monogamous. I am not sure how an open relationship would work for me at this point, I mean it wouldn’t be like Max & Sweetie who has regular FWB, but parties & other couples might be ok. I’m not sure, but I definitely won’t want to cheat.

He asks me if he can tell me what he is looking for, but he doesn’t want me to freak out & block him. Oh seriously, I sure can pick em! WTF will he say? “I’m one of those guys that likes cuck relationships” Oh phew… I kinda gathered something like that being he said he didn’t want exclusive… For those of you going WTF is a cuck relationship, it’s more commonly known as a Cuckhold relationship, where a male will encourage his partner to sleep with other people because it turns him on. In Free85’s case the jealously turns him on. There are different aspects to it I guess, if he wants to be tied & forced to watch or he wants to tell the guys what to do, or even if he doesn’t want to watch but just wants to hear about it later on.

It’s not entirely sure this is what I want, as usually a Cuck is a submissive, I want a more dominant man. I am mostly submissive, so would I be able to be the dominant one? I guess I am dominant in life. But I figure he might be fun so I keep talking to him & share some kinks of my own with him, including some rope pics, when he says I’m too good to be true & he thinks I might be all talk. Well he might be all talk too, like a lot of guys!He disappears for a few minutes, so I move onto something else on my phone, I get a notification that he’s messaged but I don’t go back into the app right away. As I do, I see he’s sent a pic, it’s just of his body & he looks quite good to me. By the time I go back to the chat I see he’s sent another picture which I click on & it’s his cock. FUCKING HELL! I tell him that he was doing so well till he sent me his cock. He says that he thought he’d lost me. Double what?! So the response to someone not replying is a dick pic? So my panties drop? LIKE WTF.

He says well you didn’t reply, I was trying to get your attention because I have his. I think about my reply before Then he sends “GAYYYYY” OMG is he 12? Wtf is happening? We were having such a good conversation! Then he says sorry miscommunication, I’m say that I’m not sitting on my phone waiting for his replies but he says he got impatient because he doesn’t find people like me often & he got in a huff & that I should relax. I say I’m not sure how he’ll cope with being jealous since he got in a huff when I didn’t reply in one minute. He says sorry again & that he put his foot in it (I’d say he put his cock in it! Hahaha.) I tell him that my biggest pet hate is a unsolicited cock shot & I’m going to sleep. He says he’ll see me Friday. Fuck this guy is going to Switch! I forgot about that… Also my stupid face is up on the bloody app so he’d know who I was… I mean I’ve been approached before at events people asking if I’m the person they think I am.

At Switch that Friday, I don’t really know who he is as we’d not exchanged face pictures yet, he knew my face but I didn’t know his. But thankfully I never saw him… I don’t know if he went or if he didn’t but I am thankful that I didn’t see him. He never came up to me to talk so I can only assume he watched me from a distance (creepy) or he didn’t go. I had informed a few friends of his potential appearance, but luckily we never saw him. I also deleted the app straight afterwards. I am so over douches!

This kind of shit though reminds me why I fell in love with Noodle & makes me miss him even more. I want someone who puts in effort. They say that a man will chase what he wants, well when will I have a man that chases me?! Rather than me having to “give them a go.” I hope that one day I will get over Noode… & soon… This dating round-a-bout hurts so much.

#IBD4U

I’ve never been to Maslin Beach, I always hated people joining a group on the chat app & saying they are heading to Maslin, who wants to go? Like it’s the only kinky thing to do in Adelaide or the only beach. For those who don’t live in Adelaide, it’s a suburb in the south of Adelaide with a beautiful beach, which in 1975, was declared Australia’s (yes Australia’s!) FIRST official nude beach. Yeah way-to-go my humble little home town for being so progressive! Interesting fact for you, the suburb is actually called Maslin Beach, not Maslins beach, however most south aussies just call it Maslin’s or massies.

So when the couple from the last play party invite me, I’m reluctant. I don’t personally think that because you go to a nudist beach it makes you kinky. But I figure this might be a good time to try it out – safety in numbers! The guy I usually go to the play parties with, LJ, is heading down there also on the same day & because I feel comfortable with him – even though we’ve never fucked or seen each other naked, I think ‘Fuck it. I’m going to go.’ I have wanted to try new things, so why not. I know Noodle would hate this too, but that’s not why I do it… I just need something else in my mind besides him fucking his partner.

I obviously wanted to meet someone in the car park to walk down with me, I know it’s sort of off the beaten track. I am not really sure of the protocol & don’t know what it’ll be like being a single reasonable looking woman – again I think it’ll be full of older men, who will be like a moth to a flame. The married woman from the play party also talks about the fact she doesn’t take off her bather bottoms, which makes me at ease because I don’t think I can take mine off just yet. As it is, I’ve only just been going to the beach this summer in my bikini (no singlet or shorts like usual), I’ve never taken my top off in public.

I arrive at the carpark before they are there – feeling a little nervous. Walking around is a skinny old man with long grey hair – longer than mine (& mine is about down to my bra strap). I see another older man, in his 60’s+, with really grey hair & really skinny, wearing oversized shorts & t shirts with those velcro sandals, you know the type I’m describing. It makes me weary. What have I got myself into here?! My couple friend get there & we start the long trek to the beach. We set up a camp & they strip off, I take a deep breath & take my dress off, then my top & to be honest, I am uncomfortable for about 2 minutes till we’re walking into the water. In the water I can hide, but it’s freezing till you get used to it.

We get out & my other friend arrives, LJ knows 2 other people on the beach so they come to join us too. I actually know one of them from the play party too, so they join us. Another guy that’s been walking around with a hard on & shirt, stops by & he knows someone in the group so he joins us too. I realise I know him as the dude who was hovering when I was playing air hockey at the play party.

We all go for another swim & just chill out on the beach with some wine & beers. I go for a walk with a couple of people to check out the whole beach & I am surprised how liberated I feel with no top on, even if my boobs are like a lighthouse beacon, bright white! We have a really good day & I am glad I was there with a bigger group of people than just by myself or one other person. Unfortunately there was a fair bit of cloud cover so we didn’t get an amazing sunset, but it is a bloody beautiful secluded beach!

(Ps. Picture is a real picture I took at another visit.)

A few tips & things I picked up as a new user of the naked beach, to those thinking of going. I definitely think people should go if they want to, it wasn’t at all like I expected. I guess I had that same type of idea about the play parties so it’s interesting that it was nothing like I expected, again! But here are a few things you may want to know prior to going:

• Safety in numbers for women. There were more men there than women, I’d say about 3:1, if not more. (maybe just the day I was there)
• There are a fuck load of stairs (which are weirdly spaced for my short legs) down a giant cliff face if you go from the closest top carpark – be prepared to take a breath or 2 when going back up. (I’m pretty fit & it was a bit tough going back up) The view is actually amazing though so take a picture!
• There is another carpark on flat ground but it is further away distance wise, it’s a long walk across the beach to get to the nudist part. (There’s a sign dividing the regular beach to the nudist part)
• Be prepared to see more penis than you’ve ever seen, the men the day I was there tended to walk around a lot. (A few were hard, one had a shiny cock ring, all different ages, shapes & sizes!)
• There is a rock over by the cliffs which is apparently the area people have sex, however if you have a tent, people may have sex but beware apparently people will just look in your tent if it’s not closed up.
• Don’t be scared to get naked, no one cares what you look like & if they do, who gives a fuck, they aren’t on the catwalk, so get naked & enjoy the freedom.
• Be prepared for people to look at you, even your friends. It was ok but just wasn’t expecting their eyes to wander as we talked. I mean I had a peek at them too, I’m only human! Hahaha.
• Careful when rubbing sunscreen into your boobs – one of my friends made a joke when I was, which was ok because I know him, but I did notice others watching & I was trying to be discreet.
• If the water is a bit cold (as it was for us) your nipples will stick out & your penis will shrink. That became a bit of a joke with my friends, which was good because it’s like the elephant in the room.

Anyway I had a really fun time, I think that everyone should be brave & go too, if that’s your thing. Since going, I have actually even ditched the shorts at the beach all the time & I’ve been going in, in just my bikini. I am finally getting some confidence! WOW.

#IBD4U

This guy is super-hot, he’s ripped but he’s one of those guys that I am not sure if that’s really if that’s how he looks right now or 10 years ago. I’ve been caught out before, when men send a picture & you think they’re cute & hot but then they’re not at all. I was always thinking that Crows would be the same, kind of hot in his pictures, but too good to be true… Crows was hot so maybe Goodwin will be too?

I start chatting to Goodwin (yes I make the first move as we’re in a group together) I even tell him that I never message anyone first, so he should consider himself very lucky if he likes me. He says he does so we chat a bit, I tell him about the recent break up with Noodle, not the ins & outs but I what I am looking for is not something too serious right now, he says the same – this could be the thing that I need right now, it’s just after I stopped talking to Noodle.

But Goodwin stops talking to me for a few months, I just assume he’s got someone else or whatever, it’s it the chat app after all. I have been seeing Crows on a regular basis at this time that I don’t really care too much. Men on the chat app are a dime a dozen. When Goodwin comes back I ask where he’s been because I am not going to be someone’s 2^nd option but he says that he was with a chick for a while & they broke up because he realised that he didn’t want a GF. I don’t respond to a lot of his messages because I am not going to make it easy for this guy. We chat on & off for a few months to be honest, I talk to him about all sorts of shit, but we never meet.

So after my epiphany last blog – Leader of the Broken Heart, I’m hoping that it would my goodbye to Noodle, I’d be able to close that chapter on Noodle & it’d give me the ability to move on, even though I want to message him so badly (even months later) & I that am not over him in the slightest. I’m still listening to that song & every other song by the band Papa Roach, so much so that I even subscribe (pay) to have premium YouTube so I can watch their film clips with no ads. I basically listen to song after song of theirs & listen to Periscope & Leader of the broken heart over & over again. I don’t know why I am torturing myself but it honestly seems to be helping. By avoiding anything Noodle, I was hurting myself even more.

At my work function, we get to have a few drinks… It’s a little emotional as there is a restructure going on & things are tense for everyone, I have drunk my weight in alcohol by the end of it, however this time I’m not puking in the toilets so at least that’s something!

Walking to the next bar, one of my colleagues bursts into tears, while consoling her, I follow suit (WTF I seriously never cry – I’ve gone from being a stone, but post-Noodle however now I’m a fucking wuss & now cry at the drop of a hat!) I figure tonight is going to be a tough night, I consider briefly hitting on a male colleague that’s being a bit cheeky with me but decide against that, so on the way home, I look online for someone to come over & keep me company tonight. I message Goodwin but I realise that it’s 2:00 am on a Thursday night, he doesn’t reply. A few people on the anonymous app do but they aren’t attractive to me, so I sadly buy the taxi driver hungry jacks & get dropped home alone.

I put on YouTube when I get home & the instant that Leader of a broken heart comes on, I burst into tears. I sob – I sob though Periscope too, I howl until I can barely breathe. I am so alone. I don’t even have a FWB I can call. I cry while singing, I usually am able to control myself when I look in the mirror so I stand in the bathroom looking at myself, but that doesn’t work. I just have to cry. Let it all out. This type of crying doesn’t happen to me often or ever really, but I must need it.

Finally sleep finds me about 3:30 or 4:00 am, I wake up at 7:00 am (WHY?!) with sore as fuck eyes from crying so much & lack of sleep. I also wake to find a message from Goodwin asking why I was up so late, I explain I was at a work function & he said he’s going out tonight & what time am I picking him up. We talk for a little more when he says he can be at my house at 10:00 am this morning. I agree having had a shit night, I needed some good sex & also hadn’t had sex since the Cowboy debacle. I need to erase that night! I say that if it’s good this morning, then we can also fuck again later, after his party.

As he’s on the way to my house, he says that a notification just popped up & he has an appointment – oh right, the old appointment excuse. I feel like an idiot but he says he’ll be 20 minutes. I stay in bed thinking I am just going to have to sort myself out when he messages to say he’s on his way. Wow, that’s a surprise! I ask if he wants me to stay in bed with the door open or if he wants me to meet him at the door. He says that he wants to door open – good because that’s what I’ve done anyway.

He looks exactly like his pictures – a young Heath Ledger, his body is hot AF. He is ripped. Hard abs, muscly arms. His body is hard as a rock, he definitely works out & takes care of himself. He’s dressed a lot like Crows always dressed like, white t-shirt, dark shorts, hat & street shoes. (if they’re even called that anymore.) He definitely looks a little like Heath Ledger. He puts his stuff down then I move over in the bed & lift the covers up, he sees I’m just wearing panties & says how hot I am but he’s going to be cold. I say that’s ok because it’s toasty warm in bed, we kiss for a few seconds before he gets up to get rid of his chewy. He gets back into bed with me, then gets up again to take off his top & shorts. He gets back into bed with his jocks still on (yeah he has Calvin Klein jocks – not shorts, actual jocks! Milky was the last guy I ever saw in jocks) we kiss for a bit more but he asks me if I have any toys (if only he knew!) I get a vibe out for him, he goes down on me all the while making this Mmm sound every few seconds, then he fingers me & asks if I like his fingers in me, which of course I do, then he slips the vibe in while I cum really quickly.

He jumps up for me to suck his cock, which I don’t think it my best work but within a few sucks he’s saying he’s going to cum. He cums, wipes himself up then starts getting dressed asking me a lot of questions like how long have I had this house, where did I get my bruises on my leg from, how last night was & how is my investment property is going. He kisses me goodbye & he’s gone. Right?! No sex, but I guess at least he made me cum. Though I could’ve just made myself cum with the vibe, saved him the trouble of coming all the way to my house.

#IBD4U