On a weekend away with 2 girlfriends, I know I am annoying them by talking about Noodle, but fuck I just can’t help it. I mean I still talk about Boyfriend & Milky even Origin. Especially since starting this blog, I talk about these men more than ever. We talk about my blog a lot because we’ve also been looking at developing it into a podcast. This weekend is a bit time for us to plan & develop this.
During the weekend, with all the talking about exs both my friends ask me why I don’t fight for Noodle? It’s been 5 months since I last spoke to him, I’ve just had my leader of a broken heart epiphany, Why don’t I fight for it? I honestly think this every day. I know he’s thinking I don’t care for him & that I’ve moved on – he said that to me several times when he was trying to end communication with me the first few times & so he’s making his life what he can with her, still believing he is happy.
I do want to fight for him, I want him so badly, even now… But I also can’t – there are too many things that happened that I can’t forgive right now. I am not in a position when I can really handle him telling me for the 4th time that he is not leaving her, giving me bull shit excuse after bull shit excuse as to why! I get that he’s scared of losing his kids & scared she might hurt them, herself or him, but I’m not sure I can hear the excuses again.
That night, after a few drinks, I am in bed thinking about it nonstop, “should I fight for him?” I decide that I need to ask a magic 8 ball for some guidance… I am not usually like this (or believe in a magic 8 ball) but I need something to make the decision for me so with Phoebe Buffay’s Voice in my head “Ohh it’s not a toy” Hahaha. So I download an app on to my phone, saying to myself, whatever it says – I will do, even if it says no, no questions asked. I will drop it.
Download complete, I open the app, shake my phone & say “Should I fight for Noodle?”Fuck! I was not expecting it to say that!
Immediately, I think of ways I will get in contact with Noodle. If I text him she might see it & it might cause drama or he might not respond. If I call when I know he might be at work then he won’t have time to chat. I think I could stand at his car on a Tuesday night & wait for him to come out of work, tell him I am still in love with him & never stop thinking about him. I think about using an app that I don’t even know if he is on anymore or not. I think about going to his house, I just need to follow what the magic 8 ball said.
I struggle to sleep that night, I wake up numerous times thinking about what I could do to see him, to actually make him listen to me. I know her maternity leave is coming to an end, their oldest would be starting school at the same time, so maybe even I could go to his house?
I am now insanely overthinking this… I was in a better position before my friends confirmed what I have been thinking for 5 fucking months! Now that I know that they are thinking I should fight for him, I can’t stop thinking that I should fight for him!
When I wake up from that shit sleep, it’s almost like something has switched in me. I am not ready to face Noodle & I know that he is not ready to face me. I know I can’t live my life thinking that he & I might be together in the future (& I am not living my life like that) but I don’t want to ruin the chances of that happening by trying to push it too soon, before either of us are ready. Although if he ever reads this blog, I’m pretty sure he won’t want to be with me anyway… or maybe he’ll actually realise the depth of my feelings for him? I hope the latter, but again I’m not holding out hope that he & I will be together.
So while the magic 8 ball told me to fight for him, I choose not too… To be really honest with you, the only reason I won’t fight for Noodle is because of his children, but not because I don’t want kids. I was actually so excited to have his kids in my life, but because I am scared what she might do – to him, to them, to herself… However the kids deserve better than to see their mum & dad fight, verbally & physically. It hurts & pains me, but I know, magic 8 ball or not, that I am making the right decision.