Month: Nov 2020

This week as you can imagine, finishing the last blog as it did has been a struggle to write. However I do have a lot of new fun, stupid & cringeworthy content coming up! I promise.

But in the meantime here is part two of the beauty queen, a male blogger in the USA. I love his blog.

Link is below!

The Beauty Queen Part 2

New Year’s Eve and I was alone. I don’t think there is any more alone than alone on New Year’s Eve. I guess, if you think about it, getting a date should be pretty easy. After all, no one wants to be by themselves that night. Yet, here I was on my couch, turning on Netflix, resigned to a dismal evening. My girlfriend had broken up with me less than a month before; my “friend” Pia had escaped to the shore; and the woman I had met earlier rang no romantic bells (catch up with pt1 here). And then I got a notification I had a match on a dating app. This must be some woman even more desperate than me, I thought, as I signed in only to find a beautiful woman staring back from her profile pic. Tasha.

I joked I was wearing the same sweater she had on in her profile pic. Really? she asked. Yes, I replied. My abs aren’t as defined as yours and my cleavage isn’t as sexy, but definitely the same cropped sweater. I accomplished a lot with that line, I think. I acknowledged I wasn’t as hot as her. It wasn’t false modesty on my part. This woman was more beautiful  than 95% of the world’s population. For the time being, you’ll just have to trust my subjective opinion on the matter. I noted her obvious sexiness without howling like a wolf. And I displayed a sense of humor. She lol’d me and said she loved a man with cleavage. And so the dance began.

In all relationships, I think, there is an alpha and a beta. One person is reaching higher and the other is holding a hand behind. Maybe it’s looks or personality or maturity or finance, but there’s always something. In this case, Tasha was most definitely the alpha. I had two choices from there: bow down before her beauty or ignore it. I suspect a woman like Tasha is accustomed to men fawning over her. I decided to go the opposite way. I had nothing to lose and possibly a beautiful woman to gain.

I often think back to my college days a very long time. I went to Rutgers, the state university here in New Jersey, USA. As you might imagine, most of the students were in-state, as it was a cheaper alternative to private university. The school itself had a decent reputation nationwide. Rarely would you find anyone from California at Rutgers. There just was no reason. Why would anyone travel from that fantasy land on the west coast to the much-maligned state of New Jersey on the east coast? Don’t get me wrong, I love New Jersey. In fact, I think it has so much to offer from bustling beaches to skiing, access to New York City pizza and Philly cheese steaks from the source, and high tech corporations to family farms. I consider it the most eclectic of states. Come visit, you’ll see. That said, I cannot think of a single reason anyone would voluntarily leave California to go to Rutgers University.

Nevertheless, I saw Catherine from California in a bikini playing frisbee on the quad between the apartment buildings the first week of September 1981. She had clearly stepped out of a Beach Boys song and taken a wrong turn. She was blonde and blue-eyed, lithe and tanned. She was like a beacon of pure light on the green expanse of lawn. She laughed with each toss of the frisbee to her friend, like no one was there watching them. I was mesmerized. Every boy within eyesight was. All of a sudden, every one of them wanted to hang out on the quad. The Buffs felt the need to lose their t-shirts. Other frisbees started gliding back and forth. She was the focal point of all conversations the rest of the day and by day’s end, most of us knew she was from California and single. For some reason, she got the nickname “Senior Project”. I’m not sure why. She was a freshman and most of the guys were not seniors, but I guess the idea was to make her your own by senior year. And dozens of guys took their shot. She shot them all down as gently as can be. I bring Catherine up because she was actually the most wonderful of girls, beautiful inside as well. I did fawn over her too for some time, but she never went for it. She was always attentive and polite to me, but did not encourage my boy games. In the end, she began dating a guy. He was neither the most handsome nor the most athletic, but they connected completely and it was easy to see they had fallen in love. I knew such things were possible.

Tasha and I passed the night easily. We each made a cocktail or two at our respective houses, asking questions, making jokes, just talking about movies and music and food. The dm’ing was delightful and the night passed quickly. I learned she was from a state out west, she was of Scot ancestry, owned her own cosmetic business, had one daughter, lived fairly close, and was divorced. For the briefest of moments, I wondered if I should invite her over. No, no, I realized this was just one of those magical times when I connect with a wonderful woman, but it was destined to be brief and, in the long run, inconsequential. I didn’t really think Tasha would fall in love with me like Catherine had with her boyfriend so many years ago. This would just be a very nice memory tomorrow. We watched the ball drop in Times Square and wished each other the best of new years. We were just two lonely strangers passing the night. She sent me the kiss emoji and I sent one back. Just before we said good night, she said, Tell me something very few people know about you. I told her I had written an unpublished book some time ago. I’m proud of it and consider it one of my few, but great, accomplishments. And you? I asked.

She sent me a picture. Tasha was considerably younger, but the woman in the picture was her. She was in a flowing teal gown. There was a line of gorgeous women in a row  behind her, also in long gowns with sashes naming counties I did not know. She was smiling broadly and genuinely, while grasping a huge bouquet of roses. She had a tiara on her head and a sash draped diagonally from her shoulder proclaiming her Mrs. ******** County*. She was being crowned a state beauty queen. And the beauty queen was saying good night.

*the number of *’s does not correspond to the name of the county.

Here is a link to his blog! https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/85889956/posts/2703146567

#IBD4U

I said last blog that I am not sure how much longer I can live with Silverling living a double life. But what I really mean, is how long can I live with me living a double life too?! I haven’t told many people about this second affair – we’re almost 3 months in, I haven’t been honest with those close to me. I am pretending I am ok about the other stuff in my life, I am acting like I am ok – except for some outbursts which I shrug off but I later realise this is not the type of person that I am, I am thankful for my psychologist during this time & even now!

Silverlining is the only one coping my ridiculous bad moods of jealously & anger. I start to think that he is the problem… He is the reason why things are so bad in other aspects, why I am not saving any money, why I am not happy in my life… He is the cause! He has to be! I’m in the job I want, well I am working towards a side step to the career I want, but I am in the workplace I want to be at, doing something I love. I earn a very good wage for someone without a university degree. I have the house I want, an investment property, so Silverlining has to the the cause of all my troubles, right?!

We’ve planned for me to go to his house the next day, things are so bad at the moment for me, that all I want is to spend some time with him, get a hug, some reassurance, some love and of course an orgasm or two or maybe three. However I ask before he goes offline what time tomorrow, he says 10:00ish & I ask if he is going to the gym before or if that’s his cover, however he doesn’t reply, he said chat again soon, love you & logged off. The next morning, I wake up before 8:00 am but there is no message from him, no reply from last night, this is fucked & I think fuck I have wasted a day off for this man & he’s going to fucking bail on me! I’m even talking to Dom Dom & saying how pissed I am that I feel like I have wasted a day off on Silverlining. It’s so unlike him to bail, to not come online & tell me that he’s not going to be able to meet. He would at least come online to say he can’t, surely? I mean what if I just rocked up at 10:00am & she’s there?

But he does message me, eventually telling me that his partner slept in & has only just left but he will be free around 10:00am. At the time I am pissed obviously being that if she was asleep, he still comes online to chat to me before she wakes up, he’s also probably had to drop the kids at school & childcare so he has time to long on a reassure me that he’s going to see me today. Why didn’t he log on early when the kids usually wake up around 6:00 am or 7:00 am & also why didn’t he just wake his partner up to make her go to work?! He says that his daughter was up all through the night, which he usually tends to them when they wake up from what I understand, however, who knows what is true & what is not. My mind is in overdrive over this, I don’t even understand how this happens if he didn’t sleep in himself?! This is weird!

But like an idiot, I am in my car driving to his house around 10:00am, having washed my hair this morning, got carefully ready in a cute outfit so that he eyes would pop out of his head when he sees me, but not too made up that I look like I am trying to hard – fuck being a mistress is hard work sometimes! Hahaha.

I get to his house & he’s in turned on mode already, we don’t talk much just say our hellos & we’re kissing passionately at the door, hands everywhere like we can’t get close enough to each other. We’re stripping our clothes off each other & he’s pushing me back towards his area & his couch, I suck his cock first as always! Fuck I love the feel of this mans cock inside me – I can’t hold out any longer! I love the feel of his arms around me, his tongue in my mouth. His hands on my skin!

When we’re fucking, he pulls out & cums on my leg trying to stop himself, but because he stays hard, I grab his cock & make him fuck me more. I climb on top making myself cum on his cock by riding him hard, I stick my tits in his face & he instinctively sucks on them, which he know turns me on & makes me wetter.

Afterwards we sit talking & hugging, being lovey dovey, something neither of us do well. I think he is awkward about it because I am awkward about it, but I think he does it better than I do! It’s sweet & as much as I love his dick in me, I love this time the most. The time we talk, mostly about people from the chat app or work but we talk at lot.

When we fuck again, he pounds me so hard into the couch it hurts my back, I have this weird sensation of wanting to tell him to stop I’m actually in real pain but also loving that it’s turning him on so much that I am being fucked so hard. It’s hot & sexy & I love it!

But then Silverlining gets up off the couch, I’ve only been there about an hour or so & he is basically telling me to go. I am a bit annoyed, I mean I took the whole day off to see him & he’s kicking me out. What am I meant to do with the rest of my day? I tell him I am not leaving & so he says that her parents are coming this weekend & are snobs so he’s got to clean the house. I tell him he can clean & chat to me, he starts off with a over crowded bookshelf, with so many books not even sitting flat in there & crap. He stands around in his boxers shoving the books in. I notice a book about sex – the art of sex or something which makes me smirk… I wonder if that was bought before or after the first affair?!

He tried to dust this giant elephant thing, that I just suggest he runs under the tap, which he does & it comes up nicely. He comes over to me again, I thinking wanting me to go but knowing I won’t without cumming again. He says he’s not going to get hard, but he turns me on & makes me cum again. I am busting for the toilet & I don’t want to go at his house, so I get up at leave, only 3 hours into this supposed to be fuck fest. I guess I just expected that he’d want to spend more time with me if he could. This is a perfect opportunity.

I notice a pile of my hair on the towels he lays down in case I squirt, which I pick up & take with me. I do consider for a split second leaving it there, hell I’ve even thought about leaving an earring behind or something, stuff it under the couch & hope she finds it not him. But what’s the point, she finds it, he’ll lie – say it was from the first time or convince her that it’s hers. So as much as I think of these things, I don’t bother.

As I am walking out the door because he’s being distant & hasn’t said I love you, I say it as I am shutting the door, I doubt that he even hears me & I hate myself instantly for not saying it to his face – wasn’t that my biggest regret the first time around?! I don’t want it to be that this time around!

When we chat later in the day he tells me that he did hear me say I love you & he said it back, he thanks me for taking my hair too & tells me that he did clean the toilet in case I needed to go. He tells me about a business idea he has & I think it’s an amazing idea. I tell him that I fully support him & since he just got his pay out from work, that he should go for it.

The next few days I am in a bad mood, things aren’t going well for me anywhere, Silverlining is chatting, but not much, I also see him chatting in the groups but taking ages to reply to my messages. I get really upset & jealous about it. He tells me that he’s really busy – um, you’re unemployed dude! Surely you can write back to my messages & also he’s chatting in the group non stop so it fucks me off. He says that he’s pulled back as he wants his free time back & that I was dating with Motocross so he expected me to get off the apps when that got serious. He doesn’t say I love you or wait for my reply, he just says he’s off for the day & chat again soon with a x. I say that I hate that he makes me feel so insignificant, he was chatting online all day in the groups then says that he wants his life back, his free time. He tells me that I am not insignificant to him he says that he can’t chat to me 24/7 which I never asked for. Then he tells me that she is home tomorrow so he won’t be on at all. I’ve heard this before, I mean we used to chat at least in the mornings & at night when she was home. I ask if he will even say hi to me & I get nothing.

I am so fucking hurt, so wound up with other things that I am so sad I don’t get to speak to my best friend about the stuff going on in my life. He doesn’t even say goodbye some days now, just logging off & no goodbye or even I love you. The next day after being in a foul mood, I decide to perk myself up & send him some cheekie pictures, but he seems so disinterested, that I delete them & change my profile picture that he loves to something inanimate. I refuse to message him first & he notices that I took my face down, I say that I feel like an idiot so yeah that’s why I took them down. I don’t get much from him at all & I don’t even know what to say to his message anymore that I just tick the thumbs up & he doesn’t talk to me again that day. The next day nothing at all. I know she has the weekend off, but fuck surely he can pop on & say hello?! Nope he doesn’t. I snap. I got no goodbye, I have sat around waiting & waiting for him.

“Morning, I have no idea what you’re trying to do to me SilverLining. After 2 months of chatting to me nonstop, fucking me, telling me how much you love me… Now you just pull away without warning & I’m not threatening you at all but fuck I feel so crazy & I’m so scared of all these thoughts I keep having” I get nothing back. I jump in the car, while chatting with J-Lo who tells me to stop the car. Turn around. Don’t do it. What am I doing?! I know he’d be at the gym at this time, why hasn’t he logged on & just said hello for the last 2 days. Fuck him. I am going to confront him! Maybe something has happened?! Maybe she found out about us again? I have to know. I am not going to let this go.

But as I pull up near his gym, I think what the fuck are you doing, you fucking lunatic?! What am I going to do, stand at his car & force him to talk to me?! What a creep! I notice that his car isn’t there anyway & I cry all the way home, but I can’t go home. I head down the beach & I make a video…

“Hi Silverlining, it’s Monday (insert date here), just after 10:00 o’clock & I have just done something a little crazy & driven to your gym to see if you were there. You weren’t. I don’t know what I would’ve done even if you were so don’t freak out that I’m going to be doing anything else. I realise that it was really crazy & it’s not who I am. It’s not at all who I want to be or what I want to do. But I want you to know that I love you, I love you so much, I love you so much it hurts. & I’m really sad that we’re not going to be spending the rest of our lives together, it’s all I ever wanted. But I don’t want to cause you drama, I don’t want to hurt your kids anymore. I don’t want to hurt me anymore. I deserve somebody that wants to write back to me. That wants to see me, not just when their partners at work. I don’t want you to think this is because you’re not good enough for me. I will think about you every day, even if I’m with someone else. I will think about you & what we could’ve had. I love you so much but I have to love me more. It’s excruciating to walk away from you, I really don’t want to, but I have too. I think you need to get off all the chat apps & you need to focus on your family. I love you so much, I wish you all the best. I hope that one day we can actually be friends. I love you.”

I send an email with the below letter, attached is the video…

“If I knew that Tuesday was the last time I was ever going to see you, I would’ve held you so tight, looked in your eyes & told you that I love you. 

I have a habit of thinking that we would always have more time. 

I love you

#IBD4U

xxx”

I hate myself instantly! But I can’t take it back now. I need to focus on my career, this relationship has to be what is causing me so much angst. It has to be. It has to be over.

He messages me the next day & says that he’s not trying to do anything to me, his partner is off & she was only supposed to have one week but because he is off she took three weeks. He says he’s not ghosting me but didn’t expect us to get so close. All I write is for him to check his emails. I don’t know if he watches the video or not. But I get back “It won’t be the last time I’m sure. Just yeah we can’t do or have what we had before. MC was my fail safe” I ignore it but by 4:00 pm I get “I hope we can still be friends. I will try and message you when I can” I decide not to reply, it takes all my strength. I will wait for his “chat to me when he can” messages – which never EVER come.

That’s it, it’s done! To put you out of your misery, I don’t hear from SilverLining, so much for “chatting to me when he can” & wanting to still be friends. I guess I didn’t mean that much to him – I don’t know.

Fuck this hurts so much…

But to give you a teaser, I do get some answers… They will come all in good time!

Side Note: This is also why during the first covid lockdowns, living alone, no gyms, working from home & other aspects of my life falling apart, that I have shared in previous blogs, this has been the hardest story to tell & why I had to stop writing. I couldn’t let this take up space in my mind… Remember as I am always behind with my story, that when I started telling this with number one, it was of course already over in real life & I was dealing with other stuff… I will still remain with only Sunday posting at this stage, but now this major piece of my story is over, we might get onto some real dating! Thanks for sticking with me through this hard time!

#IBD4U

As I drive away, I am slightly melancholy. I love this man with all my heart, I hate driving away from him, I hate not being with him as my partner. I trust him, I love him, I confide in him. But I hate that we play this game of who will message first after we’ve been together. But as usual I don’t have to wait too long before he is messaging me to tell me how good I feel inside. I don’t even think he would have made it into the gym before he’s messaging me.  It makes me smile like a fucking loser. He came really quickly today & so he had to finger me to make me cum a couple of times. I never complain about sex with him. I have never not cum with him. The times I have said I didn’t think I could cum, he makes it his mission to fuck me hard or use his fingers or mouth to make sure that I cum as hard a he can make me.

I tell him how much he changed my kink limits. He still thinks I am this mega kinky chick, but when you think about it, Silverlining was really the only guy I have every really been that kinky with, the only one I trusted fully to do anythi g he wanted to me. I don’t know how to get him to see that he is the guy I let do anything to me. When Max called me a slut or Dom Dom called me Good Girl, I hated it & told them that it was a hard limit & here I am begging Silverling to degrade me & call me those things! I am a strong independent woman, no way was a guy ever going to do those things to me! & here I am with Silverlining doing everything I can to be kinky in some way with him. He tells me that I am softie & that I go all gooey for him. Yeah he knows what to do to make me melt!

Then as we’re having a cute conversation, I see that he says “hey xxx” to someone in the group, but yet has been sporadically messaging me. I woke up at fucking 5:00 am for this guy, sucked his dick, fucked him & am pretty much the love of his life & he fucking sends kisses to someone else… I am grumpy, tired & fucking jealous!!! I am on edge with everything at work so every time something happens in my personal life, I am taking it so personally & taking a lot of stuff out on Silverlining. I am not saying I was perfect the first time around, however, I was never like this. I hate seeing him flirt with anyone else. I mean he didn’t flirt me a lot back then, but this time he has more friends than me on the app & the women like him. He’s shown them his face & his cock, they want him & he wants other women, I know that. I am not stupid. However I know he won’t ever be able to meet anyone else ever again as she tracks his phone more closely now. I doubt he’ll ever invite a random to his house every again too. But I mean, who knows. Men aren’t always the smartest (neither are women too, so I’m not judging anyone!)

I remind him how sexy he finds me & I tell him that sex would get boring with me eventually, but he says that I mix it up so much it’d never get boring. I know that you need to keep the spark alive in other ways other than just fucking him, so I am conscious of that. I also ask him if he listens to song lyrics & thinks of me – which I know he does because he’s told me, but I ask him to listen to the song that just come out (at the time) by Sam Smith – Dancing With A Stranger when he thinks of me & the guys I have fucked since being with him last year… He tells me he already knows the song & he says he gets it, he doesn’t hold it against me but he loves giving me shit about it because of how I react. Well, I didn’t know it was like a little game for him.

Here’s the song for those who want to listen…

here are the lyrics also…

Hmm, hmm

I don’t wanna be alone tonight (alone tonight)
It’s pretty clear that I’m not over you (over you, over you)
I’m still thinking ’bout the things you do (things you do)
So I don’t wanna be alone tonight, alone tonight, alone tonight
Can you light the fire? (light the fire, light the fire)
I need somebody who can take control (take control)
I know exactly what I need to do
‘Cause I don’t wanna be alone tonight, alone tonight, alone tonight

Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Dancing with a stranger

I wasn’t even goin’ out tonight (out tonight)
But, boy, I need to get you off of my mind (off of my mind)
I know exactly what I have to do
I don’t wanna be alone tonight, alone tonight, alone tonight

Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Dancing with a stranger
Dancing with a stranger
Dancing, yeah, ooh

Look what you made me do (ooh), I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
I’m dancing, I’m dancing (ooh)
I’m dancing, I’m dancing (dancing with a stranger)
I’m dancing, I’m dancing (dancing with a stranger)
I’m dancing, I’m dancing (dancing with a stranger)

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: James John Napier / Mikkel Storleer Eriksen / Normani Kordei Hamilton / Samuel Frederick Smith / Tor Erik Hermansen

Dancing with a Stranger lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Downtown Music Publishing

You can see why that song was basically on repeat when it came out. I quote it to him now every time he brings up something I did while we were apart. We talk about the songs that I listened to realise I was in love with him the first time, it’s funny because he never asked me back then but asked me this time, he says he doesn’t know either song – which doesn’t surprise me. I didn’t know them either.

It is his last day at work today, I felt his conversation get sadder as the day wore on & when he comes back online at night after a little party at his parents house, he confides in me that it’s really hit him that he’s unemployed & that he’s really scared. I wish I was there to hug him & I can’t help but wonder if she’s supportive like that & if she would hug him, making him feel better… I guess not or he wouldn’t be back online at 9:30 pm on a Sunday night when she works late on Mondays so could stay up!

The next day we get onto the topic of the 26 dicks & because of all the crap going on at work & me constantly having to pump him up about his cock size or how hot I find him – he’s flirting with someone in a group & taking a lot longer to reply to me because he’s busy chatting in the groups, I snap ‘I’m really sick of this conversation when you constantly make me feel like a fool’ he asks me how, if I am jealous, he tells me that I am not a fool ‘just for the record, you’re the only person I love on here, and fuck. Love you #IDB4U.’ I try not to reply but I say love you & leave it at that, he says his goodbyes & I don’t reply but later I get ‘Don’t feel like a fool okay? I’m out for the day. I do love you a lot. And you will always be my best friend. Sorry for being a douche.’ We have a fight over my fucking jealously, so much that I don’t even know why I am still putting myself through this & why he would fucking put up with my craziness. He has a fucking crazy partner, does he need me too!? Probably not, he could end this with me any moment! Why doesn’t he put me out of my misery?!

I tell him I feel insignificant & he tells me that I am not insignificant to him, he comes online to talk to me every second that he can & he loves me. He tells me he’s a flirt & likes it & that I do it too… I know I do it, I can’t help it either, I enjoy the attention just as he does – so why the fuck is it bothering me so much this time around? He was always like this! He calms me down by explaining that we both flirt & we both need it… But then I start to realise the reason why this flirting crap bothers me – work it shit! I had just been told by my boss that day to send a letter to a colleague to check. I have worked there 5 years, he’s been there less than a year & not more competent than me. Why the fuck am I not just sending my work to my boss to check!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE! I pop a Valium & try to stop the diarrhoea & nausea but at least I am more mellow now. Thank fuck for prescriptions!

Over the course of the next few days we talk a lot. About everything. Mostly about the shit at my work & how jealous I am of him chatting in the groups. Hahaha. I also hate that I am organising a day off work, secretly hoping that he’ll be free the same day but he says it’s his partners day off otherwise he would. So I change my day because I want to use my day off seeing him… He says that his son will be back at school next week & she will be at work every day so I try to arrange a day off work to see him. But by the time I will get to see him again, it’ll be like 10 days since we last saw each other. I know how snippy I get when I don’t get sex. So with the work shit going on & 10 days between SilverLining induced orgasms – I am going to be a fucking nightmare.

There are so many days where we are pissed at each other that one of us doesn’t say love you to the other when we sign off, there are so many days that Silverlining controls the conversation & doesn’t come back online & I wait around for a snippet of his time. During this time I got mental at work, swearing & being so inappropriate. When I am told off for it, I apologise & acknowledge how wrong I was. But when I raise with my boss the reasons behind it, I am ignored, further frustrating me.

Over the weekend when his partner is off work & he’s home, he chats to lunchtime in the groups & barely says anything to me because I cracked the shits. We don’t even say we love each other or our goodbyes. I am fucking snippy about it. Work has been ultra shit, I was locked in the private office making calls all week, then sent out to do someone else’s work therefore I wouldn’t meet my KPI. So the next day again he doesn’t say good morning, I say ‘good morning I guess’ to him… He says that I never told him I was back from the gym, so he left me alone thinking I was upset. I tell him that I am obviously completely insignificant – I’m mega pissed & feel shit in every aspect of my life. “Your not insignificant. Fuck you are in a really bad place these days aren’t you” I really don’t realise how bad work is affecting everything in my life. I mean I know I am not happy but I don’t realise how irrational & ridiculous it is making me. He says his partner is all of a sudden staying up till after midnight with him, so he can’t come back online but he wants too. Some how Silverlining seems to make perfect sense when he explains what is happening in his eyes, but it seems to me that it is trivialising my feelings. I don’t know how that happens but I try not to be upset, but with everything shit in my life I just want my best friend…

He comes back online late one night, I read it but ignore it & pretend to be asleep – even though I’ve barely been sleeping. Why the actual fuck did I do that? I want to talk to him so badly but when he comes back online, I ignore him… In his message he offers up a couple of days where he will be free, by the time I reply I am already at work organising the next day off to see him… But how much longer can I put up with this from him? This small piece of him? This feeling of absolute worthlessness from him? I know he loves me, I see it, I feel it… Fuck I wish I didn’t feel it… But how much longer can I live with him living a double life?

#IBD4U

With everything going on at work & this new feeling that I didn’t know at the time was anxiety, I am acting crazy with Silverlining so much so that I don’t even understand why he is even talking to me or making an effort. He goes offline really early one afternoon saying that his “wife is being a cunt. Don’t ask” I tell him that he can talk to me about it but he doesn’t. Later though I ask him again & he tells me that she hassles him a lot to call in sick or go home early on her days off. He said that she was being a dick about it & so he went home early… He says that she knew that he took days off for me to spend with me, so she cracks it at him to do the same when she’s not at work… I assume she calls in sick on his days off, but he says that she has no sick days so she doesn’t, but she still brings up the fact that he took off days to be with me, but won’t take time off to be with her… First of all – OMG. Remember this is a year since I officially last spoke to him so it’s like over 18 months since she found out about me, she seriously can’t still be bringing me up!? Also he lives with her, he sees her every day. There’s no way he’d take sick days for me if we lived together… But she gets pissed, even now even though she doesn’t know about this second affair & thinks he’s being monogamous to her, that he doesn’t take time off for her… I hate being this person, but I also don’t understand her for wanting to stay & live like that… But then, why am I living like this?!

We talk more about other stuff when he’s back online, things have been super shit at work & I usually have him to talk to so it’s never as bad so when he comes back online we dribble shit about everything but I’m sending him pictures of me in lingerie asking what he wants me to wear, when he says that one is his favourite & so I send it again to confirm & he says “Yep” I think that’s kind of an odd response from him, usually there’s comments galore about how I look to him & so I say “Jesus… The women in the group get more of a response & they don’t suck your cock” he tells me not to go crazy on him & I realise that I am going crazy… I am in a fucking state all the time & I’m taking it out on him…

We get onto the topic of the day he almost moved in with me & how much I wanted to show him my redecorating & my new bedroom, but I say that I was waiting for his undivided attention to sttept to have sex with him, when he tells me how stressful that day was for him. I remind him how stressful it was for me too. I had spend the day with his baby in my arms while he said to me it was over with her & he was going to be with me, only to watch him text her all day & still be unsure about his decision. He tells me that he almost changed my life… But what he forgets is that he changed my life before that day. I had never been in love before, I had never had chemistry with another human before like that. I had never had a best friend like that before either… He changed everything about the way I think about life! He doesn’t know how much he changed me. I don’t think he’ll ever grasp that concept to be perfectly honest.

We talk randomly about all sorts of stuff when we get on the topic of my body & he has no tact to be able to tell me that he likes my body, but also likes to point out the areas I need to improve, like I don’t already know the areas, but Silverlining likes to point it out because he’s an asshole but we’re always super honest with each other! When he says “OMG. I love you the way that you are” & I swoon. I am reminded of that scene in Bridget Jones Diary… FUCK… How can he be such as an asshole but I fucking adore him so much?

When he says goodbye, he reminds me what time & where to meet tomorrow morning, 6:00am on a fucking Sunday morning! If only my vagina didn’t think for me! When he comes back online just after 9:00pm I am surprised, fuck she goes to bed early! He tells me that it’s also fucking day light savings, meaning I will be up at 4:30am, not 5:30am to fuck him by 6:00am! I do have a fucking problem! I send him some pictures of the new lingerie I bought today that I’m wearing & he says he wouldn’t complain if I wear that tomorrow morning. He logs off saying the usual love you’s & I know that even though I only have 5 hours to sleep tonight, I am not going to get any! I am too excited!

I’m awake before the alarm, laying there trying to make myself sleep some more. But I hear the distinct vibration of the app & know he’s messaged me to ask if I am awake – this makes my clit tingle knowing I am going to see him today & I’m going to get to cum this time too. I get ready in the lingerie that I said I would wear & a denim dress. I don’t even know where he is on the road but I leave not wanting to be late or miss a minute with him. Even though I go down the expressway & take a wrong turn being they change the roads all the time at this time to get to his gym by his work, I beat him there & I watch him pull in & park next to me. He jumps in my car & orders me to park around the back. It’s pitch black outside being that it’s now daylight savings. He makes me find the dark alley where the bins are & makes me reverse into a loading dock. He’s looking around like a maniac for cameras & checking to make sure his location says that he’s at the gym in case she wakes up to check it.

We don’t even get to kiss much before another car is driving in the driveway & trying to reverse into the loading dock too. It seems like it’s the groundskeeper of the shopping complex. Silverlining sort of loses it a little & makes me drive off – it looks like we were doing a fucking drug deal! I drive across the road to a church where the car will be hidden by some trees, it’s still very dark so it’s ok. I mean we’ve fucked in the car in broad daylight in the afternoon so this shouldn’t be an issue, except his phone location shows that he’s across the street from the gym & he freaks a bit about that too.

But we get into the back seat & it’s on, it’s hot & we’re stripping each other quickly. His eyes pop when he sees the lingerie – & somehow that looks is what pays for the lingerie. I fucking love that look… I suck his cock like a good little slut for him, which he loves – of course. I try to ride him in the backseat but this smaller car isn’t easy & I give up telling him that I don’t think I will be able to cum this morning. This sentence to Silverlining is like a major turn on or something, he makes it his mission to make me cum. He pulls out every move that he knows makes me cum & within a few minutes, I am cumming on his cock & screaming (Which I still deny I scream!)

As the sun is starting to rise & shine through the trees, he starts freaking out about his phone location that he makes me drive over to his car & park next to it. I assume that he’s going to get out & go work out in the gym being it’s before 7:00am. He doesn’t start till 8:00am & I don’t want him to go, I mean I have woken up at stupid o’clock for him. He makes no move to get out of the car & stays there to chat to me, holding my hand or kissing me gently as we talk… This is what I love. This is what I missed in that year. The best friend time with him. We talk about work for both of us, we talk about diets, we talk about music, we talk about the chat apps, we talk about life, we talk about everything… This is the reason I am still in love with this man. I can say anything, I can hear anything & we just can be together. We do chat a lot when together, so this is always my favourite part. Cumming is just like eating the icing first before eating the cake.

I have brought him a gift which I feel stupid giving him now, it’s just a sugar free powerade & microwave pork crackle that we’d been talking about that he said he couldn’t get at his store. He laughs & says thanks. I know he like that I have done something so mundane as buy him groceries but this is love – the way we show our love for each other.

As time ticks so fast, I start to hate the clock, never slowing down, I am getting sad about the fact that he is going to say he has to go soon as he wants to shower at the gym before work, washing away any trace of me & our love making. I don’t know what makes me sadder, is this is probably the last time I am going to see him for a while or the fact that he is going to get out of my car & wash me away like I never existed?!

I guess this is the problem with being the other women… I should be used to this feeling by now.

#IBD4U

If you read my last blog post, where is #IDB4U, you’ll know why I have been MIA. Things are still the same but I am trying to get some normalcy back in my life & keep doing the thing I love & that is writing! With my renovation done for my new office, I am more settled & don’t have as much anxiety being in my own home!

For those of you that have been missing the blog posts & maybe even thinking about it a lot, it might be a small indication for you to understand why I am talking to Silverlining again! When you miss something & wish it was is your life but it disappears, you want it more than anything! This is a taste of how I felt about missing him…

We left off with Silverlining and I meeting in a petrol station that we fucked in the carwash once, oh the memories! That was fucking hot & probably the most public sex I’d ever had. When he gets in my car with his subway sandwich & says he didn’t think I would be that quick & seems a little flustered, to be honest, neither did I, but I made sure I raced out the office door at 5:00pm, very unlike me at work & raced to see him. He eats his sandwich chatting to me, but I know that he wishes he’d finished it before I got there & had a mint. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this awkward before.

Once he’s finished eating we kiss & he tastes like onion and dressing, our hands are everywhere & he slides one of his up my top to grab my tits over my bra, I want him so bad but I know that he is not going to fuck me while I have my period, which is ok, it’s really broad daylight right now & we don’t have long before he has to go back to work! I unbutton his pants & find his cock, it’s already standing to attention for me.

I pull away from his kiss to tell him that his breath is gross & he reminds me of the first time we fucked when I had eaten garlic chicken for dinner & didn’t have a mint! While I’m complaining about his breath he pushes my head down to suck his cock, as you all know this is something I used to hate but I love the dominance of him doing it to me, I love how much it turns him on when he does it. I suck his cock so much & so well (which he tells me later how good my skills are) that he cums in my mouth & like a good little girl for him, I swallow it. We chat for a bit but he almost realises what the time is & jumps out the car like it’s on fire & says I love you then is gone. I know he knows I didn’t get to say it back, so he won’t message me first like he usually does, so when I’m home I tell him that I love him.

Over the course of the next few days, I didn’t notice it at the time so its interesting writing about it with the hindsight but I notice that he starts saying “luv ya” when he signs off & saying “chat soon”. We talk everyday, as much as both of us can of course, we talk about everything, our main topics are our sex life & our works. But it’s these subtle changes in his conversation, I didn’t realise till later… He finishes up woek on Sunday which mean I probably won’t see him again after this weekend, I mean maybe at his house but because of my work, I don’t know when I will see him again. But he offers up Sunday morning at his gym near his work, I know I will have to wake up bloody early, but I am prepared for that as I am not sure when I will get sex again!

We also talk about my work & how I have been so sick lately, I have been vomiting on the way to work & then when I get to work it starts coming out the other end. Yeah – what fun!! I tell Silverling that my boss has diagnosed me with anxiety & told me to go to the doctors. My sister thinks I might be pregnant which freaks Silverlining out but he knows I have had my tubes tied & relaxes about it. Reminding me about how hot I was when I struggled so much with making him put on a condom.

I confide in Silverlining about how my boss, after diagnosing me anxiety, doesn’t send me home or help me in any way, he tells me that I have to go into another office, even though my computer is at a desk in an open office, where I am surrounded by colleagues & that now I have to make calls, which he wrote the script for me in another room. Of course do as I am directed but I am now being isolated within my office & it causes me so much grief, so much that usually my symptoms are only on the way to work but now they are happening throughout the day & no one in charge in the office seems to give a fuck. I know I don’t usually talk about work like this, but this is a major part of my story, this micromanagement & isolation continues even though I don’t talk about it in this blog. But spoiler alert, you all know that I’m no longer working there. The symptoms of anxiety & following panic attacks occur but the only thing that I have to look forward too, is chatting to Silverlining! So when he goes offline I feel lost, when I am waiting for him to come back online I feel like a loser.

Silverlining gets it & asks if they are just trying to make me fail by making me make calls rather than hitting my targets. I don’t know what the deal is but I am struggling to be there, I am struggling to go in to the office. I am struggling to enjoy the job I loved so much & have done for 5 years! I put my heart & soul into this job, I think that things may have been different if I wasn’t away so much. After been shunned to a office downstairs, I go up to get something & find my whole team in one of my other bosses office having a meeting & they call me in when they see me, but no one moves any of their stuff so I can sit down, so I hover awkwardly at the door. Silverling really sympathises with me, which I find weird sometimes being he has no emotion, but he can be very sweet with me.

Even though I know that I’m not pregnant, I get a test, imagine having to ring Motocross & be like, dude I’m pregnant! Thank fuck… I am reminded of my friend, who I met through this blog, remember his book? He talks about anxiety & symptoms similar to mine that were unexplained. I start realising what is actually wrong with me – it is anxiety. It’s takes me ages to realise my boss is right. But Silverlining asks if I would keep it if I was pregnant & I say yes. I would have always kept it, I don’t believe in abortion as a form of birth control for me, unless I was raped. I knew what the consequences could be by having sex, so I would always have had it. He says that I have changed, but I haven’t, I have always had this view point. I have had the morning after pill a couple of times, but I would never have an abortion, but he says that I told him I would! I never would have said that so we have an argument about it, until he says “Okay then.” But then he doesn’t remember me telling him that I took the morning after pill with him before, so it’s interesting what he remembers… I know what I would & wouldn’t do, so it doesn’t matter. We’re fighting over the most ridiculous thing!

When we talk about the new chat app & that he has good banter with this chick on there, that I scare him because of how jealous I got the other night. I’ll admit I got jealous, that’s a natural reaction, however it’s not natural for me to get that snippy at him for banter with someone. I know he’s a flirt, I know he liar, but I am jealous he openly flirts with them in groups & ignores me when I try to flirt with him in a group. I know that we are chatting privately so it’s not a big deal, but I am jealous. I will admit it… He has more friends on the app than I do, but I have been fairly absent from it, except now that I am on it more because of him.

There’s a lot of conversation I am going to skip over in the interest of moving forward with the blog & because of my lack of posts recently, however, from now on I hope to post every Sunday! They may be shorter than usual but we’ll catch up & I will get my writing mojo back!

#IBD4U