I said last blog that I am not sure how much longer I can live with Silverling living a double life. But what I really mean, is how long can I live with me living a double life too?! I haven’t told many people about this second affair – we’re almost 3 months in, I haven’t been honest with those close to me. I am pretending I am ok about the other stuff in my life, I am acting like I am ok – except for some outbursts which I shrug off but I later realise this is not the type of person that I am, I am thankful for my psychologist during this time & even now!
Silverlining is the only one coping my ridiculous bad moods of jealously & anger. I start to think that he is the problem… He is the reason why things are so bad in other aspects, why I am not saving any money, why I am not happy in my life… He is the cause! He has to be! I’m in the job I want, well I am working towards a side step to the career I want, but I am in the workplace I want to be at, doing something I love. I earn a very good wage for someone without a university degree. I have the house I want, an investment property, so Silverlining has to the the cause of all my troubles, right?!
We’ve planned for me to go to his house the next day, things are so bad at the moment for me, that all I want is to spend some time with him, get a hug, some reassurance, some love and of course an orgasm or two or maybe three. However I ask before he goes offline what time tomorrow, he says 10:00ish & I ask if he is going to the gym before or if that’s his cover, however he doesn’t reply, he said chat again soon, love you & logged off. The next morning, I wake up before 8:00 am but there is no message from him, no reply from last night, this is fucked & I think fuck I have wasted a day off for this man & he’s going to fucking bail on me! I’m even talking to Dom Dom & saying how pissed I am that I feel like I have wasted a day off on Silverlining. It’s so unlike him to bail, to not come online & tell me that he’s not going to be able to meet. He would at least come online to say he can’t, surely? I mean what if I just rocked up at 10:00am & she’s there?
But he does message me, eventually telling me that his partner slept in & has only just left but he will be free around 10:00am. At the time I am pissed obviously being that if she was asleep, he still comes online to chat to me before she wakes up, he’s also probably had to drop the kids at school & childcare so he has time to long on a reassure me that he’s going to see me today. Why didn’t he log on early when the kids usually wake up around 6:00 am or 7:00 am & also why didn’t he just wake his partner up to make her go to work?! He says that his daughter was up all through the night, which he usually tends to them when they wake up from what I understand, however, who knows what is true & what is not. My mind is in overdrive over this, I don’t even understand how this happens if he didn’t sleep in himself?! This is weird!
But like an idiot, I am in my car driving to his house around 10:00am, having washed my hair this morning, got carefully ready in a cute outfit so that he eyes would pop out of his head when he sees me, but not too made up that I look like I am trying to hard – fuck being a mistress is hard work sometimes! Hahaha.
I get to his house & he’s in turned on mode already, we don’t talk much just say our hellos & we’re kissing passionately at the door, hands everywhere like we can’t get close enough to each other. We’re stripping our clothes off each other & he’s pushing me back towards his area & his couch, I suck his cock first as always! Fuck I love the feel of this mans cock inside me – I can’t hold out any longer! I love the feel of his arms around me, his tongue in my mouth. His hands on my skin!
When we’re fucking, he pulls out & cums on my leg trying to stop himself, but because he stays hard, I grab his cock & make him fuck me more. I climb on top making myself cum on his cock by riding him hard, I stick my tits in his face & he instinctively sucks on them, which he know turns me on & makes me wetter.
Afterwards we sit talking & hugging, being lovey dovey, something neither of us do well. I think he is awkward about it because I am awkward about it, but I think he does it better than I do! It’s sweet & as much as I love his dick in me, I love this time the most. The time we talk, mostly about people from the chat app or work but we talk at lot.
When we fuck again, he pounds me so hard into the couch it hurts my back, I have this weird sensation of wanting to tell him to stop I’m actually in real pain but also loving that it’s turning him on so much that I am being fucked so hard. It’s hot & sexy & I love it!
But then Silverlining gets up off the couch, I’ve only been there about an hour or so & he is basically telling me to go. I am a bit annoyed, I mean I took the whole day off to see him & he’s kicking me out. What am I meant to do with the rest of my day? I tell him I am not leaving & so he says that her parents are coming this weekend & are snobs so he’s got to clean the house. I tell him he can clean & chat to me, he starts off with a over crowded bookshelf, with so many books not even sitting flat in there & crap. He stands around in his boxers shoving the books in. I notice a book about sex – the art of sex or something which makes me smirk… I wonder if that was bought before or after the first affair?!
He tried to dust this giant elephant thing, that I just suggest he runs under the tap, which he does & it comes up nicely. He comes over to me again, I thinking wanting me to go but knowing I won’t without cumming again. He says he’s not going to get hard, but he turns me on & makes me cum again. I am busting for the toilet & I don’t want to go at his house, so I get up at leave, only 3 hours into this supposed to be fuck fest. I guess I just expected that he’d want to spend more time with me if he could. This is a perfect opportunity.
I notice a pile of my hair on the towels he lays down in case I squirt, which I pick up & take with me. I do consider for a split second leaving it there, hell I’ve even thought about leaving an earring behind or something, stuff it under the couch & hope she finds it not him. But what’s the point, she finds it, he’ll lie – say it was from the first time or convince her that it’s hers. So as much as I think of these things, I don’t bother.
As I am walking out the door because he’s being distant & hasn’t said I love you, I say it as I am shutting the door, I doubt that he even hears me & I hate myself instantly for not saying it to his face – wasn’t that my biggest regret the first time around?! I don’t want it to be that this time around!
When we chat later in the day he tells me that he did hear me say I love you & he said it back, he thanks me for taking my hair too & tells me that he did clean the toilet in case I needed to go. He tells me about a business idea he has & I think it’s an amazing idea. I tell him that I fully support him & since he just got his pay out from work, that he should go for it.
The next few days I am in a bad mood, things aren’t going well for me anywhere, Silverlining is chatting, but not much, I also see him chatting in the groups but taking ages to reply to my messages. I get really upset & jealous about it. He tells me that he’s really busy – um, you’re unemployed dude! Surely you can write back to my messages & also he’s chatting in the group non stop so it fucks me off. He says that he’s pulled back as he wants his free time back & that I was dating with Motocross so he expected me to get off the apps when that got serious. He doesn’t say I love you or wait for my reply, he just says he’s off for the day & chat again soon with a x. I say that I hate that he makes me feel so insignificant, he was chatting online all day in the groups then says that he wants his life back, his free time. He tells me that I am not insignificant to him he says that he can’t chat to me 24/7 which I never asked for. Then he tells me that she is home tomorrow so he won’t be on at all. I’ve heard this before, I mean we used to chat at least in the mornings & at night when she was home. I ask if he will even say hi to me & I get nothing.
I am so fucking hurt, so wound up with other things that I am so sad I don’t get to speak to my best friend about the stuff going on in my life. He doesn’t even say goodbye some days now, just logging off & no goodbye or even I love you. The next day after being in a foul mood, I decide to perk myself up & send him some cheekie pictures, but he seems so disinterested, that I delete them & change my profile picture that he loves to something inanimate. I refuse to message him first & he notices that I took my face down, I say that I feel like an idiot so yeah that’s why I took them down. I don’t get much from him at all & I don’t even know what to say to his message anymore that I just tick the thumbs up & he doesn’t talk to me again that day. The next day nothing at all. I know she has the weekend off, but fuck surely he can pop on & say hello?! Nope he doesn’t. I snap. I got no goodbye, I have sat around waiting & waiting for him.
“Morning, I have no idea what you’re trying to do to me SilverLining. After 2 months of chatting to me nonstop, fucking me, telling me how much you love me… Now you just pull away without warning & I’m not threatening you at all but fuck I feel so crazy & I’m so scared of all these thoughts I keep having” I get nothing back. I jump in the car, while chatting with J-Lo who tells me to stop the car. Turn around. Don’t do it. What am I doing?! I know he’d be at the gym at this time, why hasn’t he logged on & just said hello for the last 2 days. Fuck him. I am going to confront him! Maybe something has happened?! Maybe she found out about us again? I have to know. I am not going to let this go.
But as I pull up near his gym, I think what the fuck are you doing, you fucking lunatic?! What am I going to do, stand at his car & force him to talk to me?! What a creep! I notice that his car isn’t there anyway & I cry all the way home, but I can’t go home. I head down the beach & I make a video…
“Hi Silverlining, it’s Monday (insert date here), just after 10:00 o’clock & I have just done something a little crazy & driven to your gym to see if you were there. You weren’t. I don’t know what I would’ve done even if you were so don’t freak out that I’m going to be doing anything else. I realise that it was really crazy & it’s not who I am. It’s not at all who I want to be or what I want to do. But I want you to know that I love you, I love you so much, I love you so much it hurts. & I’m really sad that we’re not going to be spending the rest of our lives together, it’s all I ever wanted. But I don’t want to cause you drama, I don’t want to hurt your kids anymore. I don’t want to hurt me anymore. I deserve somebody that wants to write back to me. That wants to see me, not just when their partners at work. I don’t want you to think this is because you’re not good enough for me. I will think about you every day, even if I’m with someone else. I will think about you & what we could’ve had. I love you so much but I have to love me more. It’s excruciating to walk away from you, I really don’t want to, but I have too. I think you need to get off all the chat apps & you need to focus on your family. I love you so much, I wish you all the best. I hope that one day we can actually be friends. I love you.”
I send an email with the below letter, attached is the video…
“If I knew that Tuesday was the last time I was ever going to see you, I would’ve held you so tight, looked in your eyes & told you that I love you.
I have a habit of thinking that we would always have more time.
I love you
I hate myself instantly! But I can’t take it back now. I need to focus on my career, this relationship has to be what is causing me so much angst. It has to be. It has to be over.
He messages me the next day & says that he’s not trying to do anything to me, his partner is off & she was only supposed to have one week but because he is off she took three weeks. He says he’s not ghosting me but didn’t expect us to get so close. All I write is for him to check his emails. I don’t know if he watches the video or not. But I get back “It won’t be the last time I’m sure. Just yeah we can’t do or have what we had before. MC was my fail safe” I ignore it but by 4:00 pm I get “I hope we can still be friends. I will try and message you when I can” I decide not to reply, it takes all my strength. I will wait for his “chat to me when he can” messages – which never EVER come.
That’s it, it’s done! To put you out of your misery, I don’t hear from SilverLining, so much for “chatting to me when he can” & wanting to still be friends. I guess I didn’t mean that much to him – I don’t know.
Fuck this hurts so much…
But to give you a teaser, I do get some answers… They will come all in good time!
Side Note: This is also why during the first covid lockdowns, living alone, no gyms, working from home & other aspects of my life falling apart, that I have shared in previous blogs, this has been the hardest story to tell & why I had to stop writing. I couldn’t let this take up space in my mind… Remember as I am always behind with my story, that when I started telling this with number one, it was of course already over in real life & I was dealing with other stuff… I will still remain with only Sunday posting at this stage, but now this major piece of my story is over, we might get onto some real dating! Thanks for sticking with me through this hard time!