Silverlining #38

As I drive away, I am slightly melancholy. I love this man with all my heart, I hate driving away from him, I hate not being with him as my partner. I trust him, I love him, I confide in him. But I hate that we play this game of who will message first after we’ve been together. But as usual I don’t have to wait too long before he is messaging me to tell me how good I feel inside. I don’t even think he would have made it into the gym before he’s messaging me.  It makes me smile like a fucking loser. He came really quickly today & so he had to finger me to make me cum a couple of times. I never complain about sex with him. I have never not cum with him. The times I have said I didn’t think I could cum, he makes it his mission to fuck me hard or use his fingers or mouth to make sure that I cum as hard a he can make me.

I tell him how much he changed my kink limits. He still thinks I am this mega kinky chick, but when you think about it, Silverlining was really the only guy I have every really been that kinky with, the only one I trusted fully to do anythi g he wanted to me. I don’t know how to get him to see that he is the guy I let do anything to me. When Max called me a slut or Dom Dom called me Good Girl, I hated it & told them that it was a hard limit & here I am begging Silverling to degrade me & call me those things! I am a strong independent woman, no way was a guy ever going to do those things to me! & here I am with Silverlining doing everything I can to be kinky in some way with him. He tells me that I am softie & that I go all gooey for him. Yeah he knows what to do to make me melt!

Then as we’re having a cute conversation, I see that he says “hey xxx” to someone in the group, but yet has been sporadically messaging me. I woke up at fucking 5:00 am for this guy, sucked his dick, fucked him & am pretty much the love of his life & he fucking sends kisses to someone else… I am grumpy, tired & fucking jealous!!! I am on edge with everything at work so every time something happens in my personal life, I am taking it so personally & taking a lot of stuff out on Silverlining. I am not saying I was perfect the first time around, however, I was never like this. I hate seeing him flirt with anyone else. I mean he didn’t flirt me a lot back then, but this time he has more friends than me on the app & the women like him. He’s shown them his face & his cock, they want him & he wants other women, I know that. I am not stupid. However I know he won’t ever be able to meet anyone else ever again as she tracks his phone more closely now. I doubt he’ll ever invite a random to his house every again too. But I mean, who knows. Men aren’t always the smartest (neither are women too, so I’m not judging anyone!)

I remind him how sexy he finds me & I tell him that sex would get boring with me eventually, but he says that I mix it up so much it’d never get boring. I know that you need to keep the spark alive in other ways other than just fucking him, so I am conscious of that. I also ask him if he listens to song lyrics & thinks of me – which I know he does because he’s told me, but I ask him to listen to the song that just come out (at the time) by Sam Smith – Dancing With A Stranger when he thinks of me & the guys I have fucked since being with him last year… He tells me he already knows the song & he says he gets it, he doesn’t hold it against me but he loves giving me shit about it because of how I react. Well, I didn’t know it was like a little game for him.

Here’s the song for those who want to listen…

here are the lyrics also…

Hmm, hmm

I don’t wanna be alone tonight (alone tonight)
It’s pretty clear that I’m not over you (over you, over you)
I’m still thinking ’bout the things you do (things you do)
So I don’t wanna be alone tonight, alone tonight, alone tonight
Can you light the fire? (light the fire, light the fire)
I need somebody who can take control (take control)
I know exactly what I need to do
‘Cause I don’t wanna be alone tonight, alone tonight, alone tonight

Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Dancing with a stranger

I wasn’t even goin’ out tonight (out tonight)
But, boy, I need to get you off of my mind (off of my mind)
I know exactly what I have to do
I don’t wanna be alone tonight, alone tonight, alone tonight

Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Dancing with a stranger
Dancing with a stranger
Dancing, yeah, ooh

Look what you made me do (ooh), I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
Look what you made me do, I’m with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I’m dancing with a stranger
I’m dancing, I’m dancing (ooh)
I’m dancing, I’m dancing (dancing with a stranger)
I’m dancing, I’m dancing (dancing with a stranger)
I’m dancing, I’m dancing (dancing with a stranger)

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: James John Napier / Mikkel Storleer Eriksen / Normani Kordei Hamilton / Samuel Frederick Smith / Tor Erik Hermansen

Dancing with a Stranger lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Downtown Music Publishing

You can see why that song was basically on repeat when it came out. I quote it to him now every time he brings up something I did while we were apart. We talk about the songs that I listened to realise I was in love with him the first time, it’s funny because he never asked me back then but asked me this time, he says he doesn’t know either song – which doesn’t surprise me. I didn’t know them either.

It is his last day at work today, I felt his conversation get sadder as the day wore on & when he comes back online at night after a little party at his parents house, he confides in me that it’s really hit him that he’s unemployed & that he’s really scared. I wish I was there to hug him & I can’t help but wonder if she’s supportive like that & if she would hug him, making him feel better… I guess not or he wouldn’t be back online at 9:30 pm on a Sunday night when she works late on Mondays so could stay up!

The next day we get onto the topic of the 26 dicks & because of all the crap going on at work & me constantly having to pump him up about his cock size or how hot I find him – he’s flirting with someone in a group & taking a lot longer to reply to me because he’s busy chatting in the groups, I snap ‘I’m really sick of this conversation when you constantly make me feel like a fool’ he asks me how, if I am jealous, he tells me that I am not a fool ‘just for the record, you’re the only person I love on here, and fuck. Love you #IDB4U.’ I try not to reply but I say love you & leave it at that, he says his goodbyes & I don’t reply but later I get ‘Don’t feel like a fool okay? I’m out for the day. I do love you a lot. And you will always be my best friend. Sorry for being a douche.’ We have a fight over my fucking jealously, so much that I don’t even know why I am still putting myself through this & why he would fucking put up with my craziness. He has a fucking crazy partner, does he need me too!? Probably not, he could end this with me any moment! Why doesn’t he put me out of my misery?!

I tell him I feel insignificant & he tells me that I am not insignificant to him, he comes online to talk to me every second that he can & he loves me. He tells me he’s a flirt & likes it & that I do it too… I know I do it, I can’t help it either, I enjoy the attention just as he does – so why the fuck is it bothering me so much this time around? He was always like this! He calms me down by explaining that we both flirt & we both need it… But then I start to realise the reason why this flirting crap bothers me – work it shit! I had just been told by my boss that day to send a letter to a colleague to check. I have worked there 5 years, he’s been there less than a year & not more competent than me. Why the fuck am I not just sending my work to my boss to check!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE! I pop a Valium & try to stop the diarrhoea & nausea but at least I am more mellow now. Thank fuck for prescriptions!

Over the course of the next few days we talk a lot. About everything. Mostly about the shit at my work & how jealous I am of him chatting in the groups. Hahaha. I also hate that I am organising a day off work, secretly hoping that he’ll be free the same day but he says it’s his partners day off otherwise he would. So I change my day because I want to use my day off seeing him… He says that his son will be back at school next week & she will be at work every day so I try to arrange a day off work to see him. But by the time I will get to see him again, it’ll be like 10 days since we last saw each other. I know how snippy I get when I don’t get sex. So with the work shit going on & 10 days between SilverLining induced orgasms – I am going to be a fucking nightmare.

There are so many days where we are pissed at each other that one of us doesn’t say love you to the other when we sign off, there are so many days that Silverlining controls the conversation & doesn’t come back online & I wait around for a snippet of his time. During this time I got mental at work, swearing & being so inappropriate. When I am told off for it, I apologise & acknowledge how wrong I was. But when I raise with my boss the reasons behind it, I am ignored, further frustrating me.

Over the weekend when his partner is off work & he’s home, he chats to lunchtime in the groups & barely says anything to me because I cracked the shits. We don’t even say we love each other or our goodbyes. I am fucking snippy about it. Work has been ultra shit, I was locked in the private office making calls all week, then sent out to do someone else’s work therefore I wouldn’t meet my KPI. So the next day again he doesn’t say good morning, I say ‘good morning I guess’ to him… He says that I never told him I was back from the gym, so he left me alone thinking I was upset. I tell him that I am obviously completely insignificant – I’m mega pissed & feel shit in every aspect of my life. “Your not insignificant. Fuck you are in a really bad place these days aren’t you” I really don’t realise how bad work is affecting everything in my life. I mean I know I am not happy but I don’t realise how irrational & ridiculous it is making me. He says his partner is all of a sudden staying up till after midnight with him, so he can’t come back online but he wants too. Some how Silverlining seems to make perfect sense when he explains what is happening in his eyes, but it seems to me that it is trivialising my feelings. I don’t know how that happens but I try not to be upset, but with everything shit in my life I just want my best friend…

He comes back online late one night, I read it but ignore it & pretend to be asleep – even though I’ve barely been sleeping. Why the actual fuck did I do that? I want to talk to him so badly but when he comes back online, I ignore him… In his message he offers up a couple of days where he will be free, by the time I reply I am already at work organising the next day off to see him… But how much longer can I put up with this from him? This small piece of him? This feeling of absolute worthlessness from him? I know he loves me, I see it, I feel it… Fuck I wish I didn’t feel it… But how much longer can I live with him living a double life?

#IBD4U