Month: Jan 2019

Guest Blogger: Honest, Unfiltered Advice

Some of this is hard to read because it’s so true for me… I think we sometimes like to ignore the reality for the fantasy, I am so guilty of it.

Honest, Unfiltered Advice

This will be a constant work-in-progress: read through these when you have problem or aren’t sure what to do.

I’m being blunt for a reason. Some days, even I get tired of being a “Dear Abby” for my nearest and dearest.

So here they are- some pearls of wisdom from the she-wolf herself:

  • if you have to ask if you should leave; you already know the answer. You don’t need someone else to validate you. It’s your damn life.
  • If things haven’t changed by now, they won’t. Ever.
  • If you want to put up with the same shit day in, day out, then why are we even having this conversation?!
  • No-one is coming to save you, so stop being such a sook and get your shit together.
  • A man won’t fix your problems. Stop waiting for a knight in shining armour, because they’re all fucking retards wrapped in tin foil.
  • A vibrator might not take out the trash or hug you, but it won’t cheat, lie or ruin your life either.
  • If you don’t even respect/love/want/ care for yourself, you shouldn’t expect anyone else to, either.
  • It’s ok to just cut people off without saying goodbye.
  • If you have to seek validation from other men by way of things like lingerie selfies/ videos, because your man isn’t appreciating you as much as you’d like, then you really need to ask yourself if you should be marrying him.
  • There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely.
  • The grass may look greener in the other side, but it’s likely going to be fertilised with the same shit.
  • If he cheated with you, he will cheat on you
  • Don’t listen to your heart, because your heart is a fucking idiot. Listen to your brain and your gut. They have more sense.

Here is the link to this blog: https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/155174584/posts/246

guest blogger honest unfiltered advice

I’ve said it before that you need to love yourself before anyone can love you, something I’m still working on!

#IBD4U

Who’s Next?

Who’s next… Well… Who? No one! That’s who? Oh god, I’m going to be alone forever! I mean, I have been at this point before, where I have deleted all my online accounts, wallowing in my own self pity & not dated anyone, nor talked to boys online. But this time it’s different – yeah right! I know this is all fresh & so I can’t see my future, but I really am serious when I say that I can’t see a future with a man in it. I am unable to cry about it ending with Origin. I am a stone. my heart is closing over (if it was ever open) & I am building up those walls. (I mean, if they were ever down!)

There was this woman at my previous job who never wanted kids (like me) & so she says that’s why she never married but she travelled & retired quite happily then travelled some more. I say to my friends who know her that I am going to be her, the childless lady who travels. What is so wrong with that? There are worse things to be, I guess. Like being that someone in an unhappy relationship that won’t/can’t leave. Or someone bitter because they never had kids but wanted them? Someone who had kids & then stuck with the man because of the kids – miserable but thinking it’s the best things for the kids… There are much worse things I guess.

Before this blog, I really thought there was someone out there for everyone, I did believe in ‘The One’. That there is only one perfect person for each person & when you find that one you are mates for life. Now I’m beginning to realise that there isn’t such a thing as ‘The One’ – I mean one person on the planet of 7 billion people & there is just one perfect person for you, who also just happens to also live in Adelaide? I mean what!? That’s just ludicrous… Why do we believe this “ONE” bullshit…

I now believe in fate – that everyone we meet is a blessing & a lesson. The we have multiple soul mates… They are part of our destiny. Everything is a matter of timing. Timing is everything. If the timing isn’t right but the person is then it’s never going to work. I think that timing is the most important part of dating. & I believe that there may be more than one perfect person for you & the timing was right for you both. So you may be lucky enough to have multiple epic love stories, but that doesn’t mean that the first or your second or even your third love story wasn’t “the one”, it was just “the one” for that period of your life.

But how to I recover from this set back, how do I move on & trust another guy yet again after all these stories? The next guy is going to have to work so hard to win me over & make me believe that they are interested in me, I don’t think I can trust that again. Therefore judging from my past experiences, I don’t think there is such a guy to who will ever like me enough to really make that effort. Maybe I am too hard work? & even if they do make such an effort, how am I going to believe that it is actually real? I mean look at what happened with Origin. What about Milky? Even Cruise put in a great deal of effort yet I’m still alone & no closer to believing that there is someone out there for me.

One of my friends says that I have to keep trying because look how much closer I am getting each time with each man, I mean since Boyfriend, Milky is the longest thing I’ve been involved in. Plus with Origin, I put myself out there with things I said, things I did, just to let him know I was interested & he reciprocated those actions & words, so my point is how do I believe these words again? But a friend says that I need to keep going because the next one will fight for me. I am not quite so optimistic, but I do hope that someday the timing is right with someone that we just fit.

#IBD4U

Origin #10

I get up early, washing my hair, putting on a full face of makeup (so that by the time he gets here it’ll be faded like I didn’t do it for him – yes I’m a nutcase!) cleaning my house, waiting for Origin to text me to say that he wants to catch up. The morning passes by without hearing from him. I try not to read into it being he said he was out last night, maybe he is sleeping in. Maybe he decided not to cancel on his mates & go out with them anyway.

I start to think this is not a good idea, waiting around for him to text me, what have I done? Do I not remember what caused me to stop talking to him in the first place? He started backing off & not contacting me as much, he’s looking for something else, he’s looking for someone else! But stupidly I am not ready to give up on this one.

Just before 2:00 pm, I get a text saying he’s got a few things that he has to do today so he can’t catch up but offers up dinner on Wednesday night instead. I try to hide my disappointment but I agree to Wednesday dinner, thinking that a date is a better idea than him coming over to my house anyway & us ending up having sex & not sorting anything out. There is so much I want to tell him & I really want to see him too.

I guess my main concern is that I got the feeling he was really into me, I thought this was going somewhere so now how am I supposed to know what is going on? Or what he is thinking? The good part about this now, is that I wasn’t upset when he bailed today. I’m just angry, I think that’s what I need, is for this to fizzle out rather than me end it before I am ready to give up.

I text him on Monday, he responds & we have a short chat, it’s a bit weird. Late Tuesday night he asks how I am; I reply & ask the same. He says he’s sick (again – really?! Not this old chestnut…) but we have some friendly banter about how he should listen to me Dr IBD4U & he says that’s sexy, I say that I’ll change my profession tomorrow & he says Fuck Yes. Now all the while we’re talking about how sick he is, I know that this is code for I’m going to bail on you tomorrow night. Sure enough at about 4:30 pm on Wednesday, I get the text saying he’s in bed not well but am he’s free this weekend. This is what I wanted, my feelings are rapidly evaporating, he’s a leopard showing his true spots. I agree to a weekend movie date but will bet $10000 that I never see this guy again!

As I suspected, I don’t hear from him about the movie date & I decided not to message him to initiate it. I expect never to hear from him again, which is now ok, I am not sad at all, I am now quite ready to let him go. Yet at 12:00 am on Saturday night/Sunday morning I get a message asking how my night was going (he knew I was going out) I say I’m having a good night, my feet hurt so that’s a good sign. He says he’s tired & going to bed. WTF? I don’t respond, why the hell did he bother texting me at all?

Sunday night about 9:00 pm he asks how I pulled up & we text for a bit; he says he’s feeling better with antibiotics but his friend’s dad died & he just found out. He changes the subject to talk about other stuff but I end up stopping the conversation. What is with this guy? It’s been over two weeks since we saw each other & he’s still keen to text me but I am still safe with my $10000 bet!

Origin #10

One morning when I can’t sleep, I am going through my phone when I decide to re-read every text we ever sent each other. As I start I think ‘this isn’t going to end well for me’ but as I read I see why I liked him & it wasn’t all in my head that he liked me. But I read a very interesting text that I either glossed over when he said it or I just didn’t take it in.

We were talking about meeting people from online & what the worst parts are (now you know I have A LOT of stories so it’s probably why I didn’t really get his response) I was too busy telling him about some of the douches I have met when he said that he hasn’t met anyone from online yet. So, I was the first person he met online? I was the first person he met since his ex-girlfriend of 5 years! What if I reacted to that rather than being too busy telling him some of my fucking stupid stories, would things be different? Would I have freaked out knowing he had only met me & probably needed to spread his wild oats after his relationship? Maybe not, maybe I would’ve kept my guard up a bit. Perhaps I could’ve got a little distance – kept seeing other people myself but taken it slow & seen where it went with him? Or would I still have gotten attached to him regardless but I would’ve been in deeper therefore I would’ve ended up more hurt?

Anyway I feel like it’s still not the end with this guy & I don’t know why we don’t cut ties with each other, he is looking for someone else. (A trophy wife – his texts also revealed that he liked his girl to get dressed up when she met his friends – Don’t know how I glossed over that too! Plus, with the chick he was stalking online, she was that type of girl) but I mean his profile when we met did say ‘a girl who looks after herself.’

He is looking for a trophy wife (which is ironic that his ex wasn’t a trophy wife – maybe that’s why they broke up?!) & I’m looking for what? I am looking for someone like him, someone naturally funny with one-liners, someone who compliments me on the way I look – who genuinely thinks that and someone who wants to see me. But most of all I want someone to love me.

I’m actually now really scared that that fear is making me desperate when a guy shows me a bit of affection!

#IBD4U

What If?

When dating, I personally think the worst possible sentence you can say to yourself is ‘What if?’ It’s so dangerous for a person like me who overthinks EVERY single scenario in my head until I make a problem that wasn’t there to begin with.

What if I did this…?

What if I did that instead…?

What if I didn’t send that text…?

What if I just sent that text…?

What if I just let go of all these what if’s & just lived in the moment?

The worst part of that too, is there is no way of knowing if those ‘what ifs’ would’ve changed your life forever. If you sent that text instead of waiting for him to text, if you’d made a move to kiss him rather than waiting for him to make the move would the whole outcome have been different? Would you still be single? Would you have ended up exactly where you are anyway but had a different path? Would it have may you happier or would you still be the same?

I like to dream up these fantasy scenarios & playing them out where it goes in my favour but when I need a good cry (which doesn’t happen often) I pretend that it didn’t go in my favour – usually this is when I am in the shower & of course I’m in the rain. Hahaha. I’m not sure if this makes me weird, but I bet that there are others out there who do the same (I’m like Nina Proudman from the Aussie TV show Offspring who does exactly the same thing – So I’m not entirely alone!). I guess when you’ve been single for as long as I have, you have nothing to do but dream up scenarios about a fictitious boyfriend, who rolls over to spoon you!

What If

What if, what if, what if, my life could be so different with every single one of these guys in this blog. Imagine if I had of text Sparky rather than just waiting for him to ‘let me know’ could that have been something more? What if I just let things keep progressing with Milky & see if that turned into something more naturally rather than trying to force it? What if I had of said something different to Seacliff when he asked ‘am I the only one thinking it?’ What if I was the person I am today with Boyfriend, would things have been different with us? Or would we still have ended up breaking up eventually? Are you destined to be end up right where you are regardless of what you do; you may take a different path but would you end up in the same place?

See what I mean? It’s the worst sentence ever for an over thinker, you cannot turn back time so what is the point of even playing out these scenarios in my head? It doesn’t achieve anything but somehow it makes me feel better!

What if, what if, what if!

#IBD4U

Guest Blogger: The One That Got Away #2

Do you remember The One That Got Away? One of my first guest blogger posts? It actually hit home for me & you will find out why soon enough – when I get to posting those stories…

I don’t consider myself a romantic person, but I wonder why can’t these 2 be together?

The One That Got Away #2

As you can probably tell- I ran away interstate to be with him.

As luck would have it, things haven’t exactly gone according to plan. But if I’m going to tell it, I have to go backwards to go forwards…

During things with “the impossible situation”, things between “the one that got away” and I became pretty flirty and- because we came close to going there so long ago, but didn’t go through with it- I was definitely curious to know what I’d been missing.

I flew interstate for his milestone birthday and that’s when it happened. In a king-sized bed in the city, late at night. I very nearly lost my voice, and I’m convinced that our room had extra thick walls (which is good for me, because I get kinda loud).

We climbed into bed after his birthday dinner to “go to sleep”. He rolled over to spoon me and started nuzzling my neck and feeling me up with shaking hands. After the first moan escaped my lips, I knew I was done for.

the one that got away #2

When his hand slid between my thighs while kissing me, I knew I was going to be altered. He has impossibly long, “piano player” fingers, and it’d been years since someone was able to affect me so much with just the tip of a finger! It made me crazed.

Naturally, I jumped him! I was so wild for it that I needed to feel him inside me. It was worth all these years of waiting and wondering. There was not a single thing about that night that wasn’t perfect- not just a realistic kind of perfect, but also the way the movies portray it.

When we weren’t adventuring, eating or sleeping- we were in bed together. It sounds ridiculous for someone like me to call it making love, but that’s exactly how it felt. It’s the only time I ever have. Usually- I just fuck. I learned that weekend the difference between the two and it altered me. I felt like this is what I’ve been wanting and needing and looking for all along. I felt at home with him.

The best part was that I felt no pain. Normally during/ after any level of P-in-V action, I’m in screaming agony, thanks to my troubled uterus. With him, I only felt peace and contentment.

Upon reflection, the only thing I could think of that was different from other people is the emotional connection. This man knows everything about me- we have known each other half our lives- and that affection and trust was a point of difference. Usually, I fuck first and think later; after is when I decide how I feel about the person I’ve been with. This time it wasn’t like that, and I think it made all the difference.

Discovering afterward that that weekend was his first time having sex rocked me. Apart from thinking “damn! That’s some natural talent!”, it made me feel like there was a degree of emotional intimacy there. I thought it meant that we were on the same page emotionally.

After leaving “The Impossible Situation”, I took some time to get my head right. He damaged me a bit, and I wanted to make sure that I was better before jumping into things with “the one that got away”. We saw each other when our schedules would allow, and he told me to move down for good and live with him when his house was finished. It all kind of seemed too good to be true (it kinda was), but I felt at the time that I deserved this bit of happiness that was coming my way.

Fast forwarding to living together, and it isn’t all rosy and bright. After being here together a few months, he realised that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m too affectionate and I need more emotionally than he’s capable of giving me. He feels guilty as hell for basically bringing me down here under false pretences and some days it is hard to look at him and not want to smack him upside the head for it.

I gave him the ultimatum a few weeks ago- get your shit together and be what I need, or watch me walk away. I refuse to have wishy-washy bullshit. I don’t want grey areas. I don’t want him to think he can be a true fuckboy and pick me up and put me down as it suits him. I’m a hell of a lot better than that. He chose to walk away.

Thankfully, through all this- we are still best friends. We adore each other. I am his plus one to just about everything because he knows while I’m distracting everyone with my larger than life personality, it means he gets left alone.

Living together is easy. There’s no more emotional stress, there’s no sexual tension and we can just grow old being dorks together… at least until someone comes along, who can give me exactly what I want- once I reestablish what that is.

For any potential suitors reading this- he’s a part of my life you have to accept. Don’t make me choose between you, because I will always choose my best friend. He’s a pretty rad dude, so you score bonus points for getting along with him! You also don’t need to be fearful or jealous of him. We are seriously JUST FRIENDS.

She-Wolf x

Here is the link to her blog https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/155174584/posts/123

All I can say is, why?!

#IBD4U

Origin #9

After three full days of not talking to Origin, I finally stop crying & feeling like the world is ending. At this point, I still don’t believe that I am going to have a relationship ever again (not that this was a relationship) but I am at least not crying.

As I sit in the bath one afternoon with a supreme hangover, I start thinking about what will happen when I drop his beanie back. What if he’s out the front doing gardening & we talk & I explain better in real life what I want? What if he sees me through the window & comes running out to tell me he made a mistake? What if I knock on the door, rather than being a pansy & dropping it in his letter box & then he’ll invite me in & we’ll talk properly about what we both want? If he’s out, then once he gets home, he’ll text me to tell me that he was wrong & wants to keep seeing me & can give me more of what I want. These romantic comedy scenarios make me realise that I have to drop this beanie back ASAP.

I drive to his house, my heart pounding like a drum, his car is in the driveway but I just pop it into his letterbox & drive off, secretly hoping that he’ll text me while I’m on the way home. It’s a Saturday so there’s no reason for him to check his letter box but I hope that he saw me through the window.

I obsess over it for a few hours, maybe I should let him know it’s there then I can let go. I am in two minds; I want to see if he’ll text me but I also want to text. I just decide that because I ended it then he probably won’t want to text me, because he’ll think I won’t want to hear from him. So I send a text, he responds quickly saying thanks & that I’m a legend. Should I respond to that or just leave it at that? I respond! Not waiting to end this with him… I say thanks for letting me borrow it with a winkey face. He replies anytime with a sad face. Could he be just as sad about us ending whatever we we’re doing?

I decide to put it out there, I respond saying that I’ve really missed texting him this week & he agrees, when I say really, he says ‘yeah sure, I think you’re a top chick, I just can’t commit at the moment,’ he says he’s a straight shooter but missing hanging out with me but doesn’t want to hurt me. I say that right now I’m not looking for a full on commitment, let’s face it, it’s only been 2 months, but I need to just go out on dates & know that it could be more in the future. He says that’s cool, he’s a bit of a homebody but he understands. (He is SO not a homebody, Like what?! He’s been out like everyday/night since we met!) I explain what I ended with Milky, the 5 months of hanging at our houses & feeling like a sex toy & how I felt like that was the path we were heading down. He says that’s fair enough & I ask him if he still wants to see me. He says yes & that I’m tops, if he hadn’t just been in a relationship for so long then he’d ask me out but he doesn’t know what he wants. I say I understand where his heads at & that I appreciate his honesty but I don’t want to stop seeing him, I think he’s hilarious & I ask if he still wants to see me. He agrees to catch up, I’m sitting at home & so I invite him over, he says he’s down at Glenelg having a few beers (Uh what, his car was in his driveway? & he’s texting me back while out?! Homebody, my ass!!) but maybe tomorrow. He says he’ll cancel catching up with his friends & come to see me. I said he didn’t have to cancel but would like to see him. He says he’ll message me in the morning.

Origin #9

Am I really doing this? Is this a good idea? I figure that this is not over for me yet & I realise over the last three days that I have always given up on men. If they don’t chase me, then I don’t even bother… I’ve probably got some stories in this blog of guys who I gave up on who actually liked me but the timing wasn’t right. Let’s hope this works out in my favour, but I am trying not to overthink & wonder where he is when he says he’s out having a few beers. Surely he wouldn’t be texting me if he’s on a date? Although Milky used me as an excuse to leave his date. I’m not sure rekindling this is a good idea, but I have to try… Don’t I?

#IBD4U

Meanings

I am clearly no expert & I don’t claim to be at all in fact, people should probably not take any advice from me about how to date or what they should do while dating. Clearly I have no clue! I’m about to hit the ten-year mark (at the point of writing this, not point of posting) of being single so I’m pretty sure that I am not one to give advice. However, I want to write about what I think the meanings of things are that guys say to me…

I have men say things to me all the time & I always wonder if there is a hidden meaning or do men really mean what they say?

Well these are my theories, but I’d be happy to hear yours!

  • There is no spark/connection = You’re not hot enough for me to keep seeing you.
  • I’m not sure what I’m looking for = You’re not hot enough for me to stop seeing other people.
  • Let’s just see what happens = You’re not hot enough for me to commit to you yet.
  • I’ve got a lot going on = You’re not hot enough for me to prioritise you.
  • I’m not looking for something serious = You’re not hot enough for me to give up other people.
  • I just got out of a relationship = I just got out of a relationship & you’re not hot enough for me to stop thinking about my ex.
  • We should see other people = You’re not hot at all.
  • I’m just looking for something casual = You’re hot enough to keep having sex with but you’re not hot enough for me give up other people.
  • I’m not sure what I want but I want to keep seeing you = You’re not hot enough for stop seeing other people but I’ll keep you on the backburner just in case I don’t find anyone else.
  • I’ve been really busy = You’re not hot enough for me to prioritise you, but you’re on the backburner in case this doesn’t work out with this hot chick I’m trying to fuck.

sorry-youre-not-hot-enough-for-me-_rebel-scum-1189746.png

Are you sensing a pattern here? Hahaha. My theory is very basic, if you aren’t hot enough in their eyes, then there are a million ways to stop seeing you. I’d love to be proved wrong but so far in my experience when guys have said these things to me but I believe they all have the same meaning.

I pretty much feel that every guy I’ve dated (from the stories you’ve read so far) are all guys who are dating multiple women & somehow they find a hotter women & I am just a memory. I actually wonder if any of them had a blog, would I even rate a mention?

#IBD4U

We’ve Fucked Before #2

I know, I know I said that I wasn’t going to catch up with this guy We’ve fucked before again after we started talking about when things ended with Milky, but this guy never let up & I kept him on the back burner, maybe that’s why things didn’t work out the way I hoped they would with Origin because I kept this guy hanging. Maybe my karma is shot!

Anyway, when he says that he wants to catch up, a few days after I end things with Origin, I agree, but the second I do, I burst into tears. Like properly howling like someone died tears. (I’m not a crier at all, so this is uncharted territory, crying so much over a guy I knew for only a couple of months but we’d text EVERY DAY & I don’t even know how long we chatted online before we exchanged numbers, it would’ve been at least a week otherwise I wouldn’t given him my number.) But I work out that I’ve got more hormones in me from taking the emergency contraception pill so I am more emotional than I usually am. Yeah that’s it!

Anyway I decide that I need something to distract me, stupidly I also don’t want to have sex with this guy in case Origin comes back into my life & then I have to explain that I had sex only a day after I ended it with him. However, I guess I’d have to explain that I had sex with ‘Bowie’ the night Origin bailed on me the first time, so whatever, it’s going to be ruined even if Origin does come back but let’s face it, this blog is proof that I am not living a romantic comedy & even when I put myself out there for the first time in TEN years, I still end up alone!

I finally agree, after the whole day of texts with him & I say that he can come around at 5:30 pm, I had told him I’ll be in a robe when he gets here & we can head straight to the shower (seems to be his fantasy) but once I’m ready & tel him to come over, he text to me that he had to pick up his sister. What the actual fuck dude… I burst into tears I can’t even get a random guy I’ve fucked before to want to see me!

we've fucked before #2

I wait until 8:30 pm our regular scheduled time but he never comes over. This is technically the first time I have ever been stood up. Yet again I am the one that feels foolish, I am done. Done, Done, Done!

He texts me almost a week later saying he got a new phone after dropping his in the toilet & that’s why he hasn’t gotten in contact, I write back a bit, get another dick pic & the offer for him to come over. I just put him off, do I really want to go there? I thought I said I was done!

He messages all the time & I reply but then when I set a date & time, he doesn’t message me, I just can’t be bothered. I really can’t.

#IBD4U

Guest Blogger: Collection

I literally laughed out loud when I read these. I love it.

Thank you to She-Wolf for allowing me to share her stories with you!

Collection

Below are a collection of my funnier sexcapades.

These are the stories my girlfriends snicker over. I still do too.

Sex should be an enjoyable experience. It should be memorable.

If anything, I hope these stories give you a belly-laugh, and make you think “thank god that’s not me”…

1. Overexcited

This guy I met walking home. He kept lapping past me, beeping his horn to get my attention. He finally realized that I wouldn’t respond to cat-calling and showboating, and decided to pull over to talk to me.

He was a little older than me, with beautiful Mediterranean features and a hint of an accent. He asked me for my number and I gave it to him. These days, I wouldnt; but back then I was young and stupid.

We met a few times and on about the 3rd date we actually kissed. It wasn’t great. Too much tongue. Kissing can be taught though, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

The next time we met, we went for a drive. In broad daylight. He took me to a local parking spot in the middle of the afternoon. I knew what he was thinking and I knew I wasn’t up for being an exhibitionist.

He started to kiss me- thankfully, he’d taken my hints and his technique was much improved. That little kiss did way more for him than it did for me. He grabbed my hand and stuffed it down the front of his shorts, while exclaiming “see! You’ve got me all excited!”… to which I replied “you’re really not doing anything for me today; can you take me home now?!” I’ve never seen an erection deflate so fast!

2. Broke-Dick

I have known this guy basically my whole life; he’s a family friend.

We ran into each other when we were all grown up and hadn’t seen each other in years. After too much vodka and not enough thought, we bundled into a cab and went back to his place.

Initially; it wasn’t so bad. I knew him, even though I had never been this intimate with him before, so I was less hung-up than I’d normally be.

We decided to play with the handcuffs he had- which was a lot of fun. He was really physically strong, so moved me about however he liked (which I enjoyed).

After a few thrusts, we both felt a bit of pain. I told him he wasn’t doing it right. But he shook it off and tried to continue.

By now, he was really feeling sore and couldn’t work out why. He pulled out, and that’s when he saw it: blood.

Naturally; his first instinct was to ask if it was mine. It wasn’t. When he realized the bleeding was coming from him, he let out an almighty girl-scream and ran through the house naked, waking his housemates in the process.

He ran a shower and as the warm water lashed at his ripped frenulum, he screamed anew.

I’d managed to get loose of the cuffs and get changed to go check on him.

His housemates burst into fits of laughter when they realized what had happened and started chanting “broke-dick”. The name has stuck.

3. Banana-bender

I met this next one online. We had a really lovely date (anything with messina makes me happy) and there was a lot of chemistry.

He’d been in some kind of fitness competition and really badly hurt himself. I graciously offered him a massage. He accepted my offer, even though I told him that this wasn’t going to be one of those massages like in porn.

There will be no happy endings here!

Pfft! That bit of wishful thinking didn’t last long. I can’t help myself, after all.

When he pulled it out for me to look at, I had to choke back my laughter with a fake cough; it was literally so bent I bet he could pee around a corner! No joke- it’s basically a right angle.

Yes; we somehow managed to do the deed. Yes; it felt really weird. But surprisingly not that bad. A little bit of a quick-draw, but flawless technique.

collection.jpg

4. The Thrill of Brazil

I’d been on a really lovely date with this guy. Date number two was at my place; I was cooking.

Naturally, the privacy of my home gave us both other ideas. He’d said to me that he was “very dominant” and that he wanted to do something “special” with me.

As we started to get into it, he took out his “python”- the name he gave to it (really, it was not bigger in overall dimensions than a pork sausage- delusions of grandeur, perhaps?!) And proceeded to basically rub the tip of it over my face, like he was drawing an invisible mask of zorro on me, or performing some kind of weird blessing.

As he did this, he repeatedly whispered the word “special” to me. I was literally too stunned to move; face screwed up in a curious mix of distaste and disbelief.

I mean, come on! Who the hell does that in real life and finds it erotic?!

The python spat too early and he was so embarrassed about his performance that I haven’t heard from him since.

5. The Convict

I met him after a work party that I ditched in order to go party at a strip club instead.

One of his friends mistook me for an escort and tried to worm his hand up my skirt. The slap to the face I gave him made him see otherwise.

My convict called me over to him to apologize for his friends behavior and make sure that I was ok. He and I spent the rest of the night together- drinking, dancing and getting to know one another.

He propositioned me and I accepted. He had the bad – boy look. I didn’t think twice.

After a marathon round of gymnastic Sex , I said goodbye and he swore up one side and down another that he’d call me.

I was pretty “whatever” about it. But to my immense surprise, he did!

Though he would only call me on Wednesdays. And he’d flat out text and call me on weekends, trying to arrange to see me again.

It wasn’t until sometime later, when I questioned the pattern and asked him if he was secretly married or something that he finally admitted to me the truth- he was on weekend release from jail and gets a phone call every Wednesday.

Soon after this, he got into some more trouble and his weekend release was discontinued. I never heard from him again.

6. The ANZAC Day Punter

Let it be known that the wine they serve in RSL clubs played a massive part in this bad decision.

We met around the two-up table. I won most of his money. He kept betting with me to try and win it back, but also to have a reason to stay close to me.

By the end of the night I was well past the point of making a good decision. To drunk me, he was at least a solid 8/10, with short, curly hair, broad shoulders and kind eyes.

I dragged him home and had my way with him, apparently. I don’t remember it at all.

The next morning I woke up with a raging, head-splitting hangover… and a foreign arm draped across me. I carefully peeked over my shoulder to see what I’d done and threw up in my mouth a little. My 8/10 in the harsh light of day was barely a 2.

I sent my mum a message and asked her who he was. She said I apparently really liked him. I told her she was awful for letting him take me home.

I made him a coffee, then feigned a busy day ahead to force him to leave. I thought that’d be the end of it.

I was so wrong.

About 3 months later, I was in bed asleep; blissfully unaware that someone was calling my name from the front yard.

Yes- it was him.

The noise woke my mum though; so she went to investigate. And, in a move so awful I can only describe it as a lesser form of child abuse, she let him in and woke me up to speak to him.

He told me he hadn’t stopped thinking about me and that he thought he was in love with me. I tried to mask my distaste as i told him there was someone else in my life (there wasn’t) and asked if he could get home ok.

He said he couldn’t, and suggested to sleep in my bed with me. I gave him two options; my lounge, or my lawn.

Thankfully; he had left by the time I woke up.

7. The Pro Soccer Player

We met in a nightclub and he wouldn’t let me go from the moment he came and introduced himself to me.

He was really sweet; a genuinely lovely guy. He was really humble, and was polite to everyone who came to speak to him that recognized him. That kindness impressed upon me.

We went back to my place and got stuck into it. Mum was supposed to be staying at her mates place that night, so I figured I’d have the place to myself. Midway through, I thought I heard the lock turn on the front door, but I wasn’t 100%, so I just kept going, until mum flicked on my bedroom light and screamed in shock.

I did plenty of screaming myself (“Mum! Close the door! ”). The mood was instantly killed. And I sent him packing through the back door.

Clearly, mum recognized him.

She had told her friends, too.

Who were all waiting to greet me in the morning with a Mexican wave, screaming “goal” and singing “ole! Ole! Ole!” at me.

It took a few weeks for that incident to die down.

She-Wolf xx

Yep, I got a big chuckle at the office when I read these on my lunch break! Hahaha…

For those wanting to read, here is the link for She-Wolf’s blog.

https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/155174584/posts/33

#IBD4U

Origin #8

The next day I am in a better mood, all is right with Origin, I can’t be mad he’s online, were not exclusive. I wait to hear from him, all day but get nothing. All afternoon nothing. All evening nothing. I go to the gym for two hours & think he’ll text me while I’m there, nothing. This would be the first day that we didn’t text since we swapped numbers if we don’t text today. I don’t want that. So I ask how he’s feeling & if he died on me. He doesn’t write back & I’m home & stalker like online (which he is not, phew!) so I jump in the shower & wash my hair. He texts while I’m in there saying he just got home from cooking his mum dinner.

When I head into my bedroom I see that he is online & not only online but his tag line that shows up under his name (that should be like ‘who wants to chat’ or something like that) & he has some chicks user name. I fucking look up her profile, (What am I doing?! This isn’t me!) she’s gorgeous, I think a tad out of his league & I am laughing now because that will scare her off with her user name in his tag line, also he’ll scare off anyone else in his list as well. Plus, if they haven’t accepted each other then she can’t even see it, so it’s just a bit weird.

With this, paired with how much he’s been pulling away & hormones racing through my body from the morning after pill, I think that I have to find out what he wants. I hate to do it over text but I can’t go on this week feeling like shit, stalking him online & waiting for him to ask me out. I just am not this person, I am never like this, so I ask him if wants anything more than what we’re going at the moment, takeaway & Netflix? He takes ages to reply to me, but says that he’s been waiting for me to ask him this. That he isn’t sure what he wants, he just got out of a five-year relationship & normally he’d jump right into the next thing but he thinks I am awesome & enjoys being around me & having fun, but doesn’t want to rush into anything he doesn’t think he’s ready for. He respects me as a person & if it means it’s not what I want at the moment he understands. He says he’s a good person with morals & wasn’t just using me for sex.

I take a while to respond. Do I keep seeing him? Knowing he’s actively looking for other people? Am I that ok with being someone’s second choice? I respond saying that I didn’t want to do this over text but I get the feeling he’s lost interest; we’ve gone from texting all day every day to barely texting at all & I explain that I am not secure enough in myself to keep going in the hopes that he likes me back one day.

He says that he does like me & think I’m an awesome chick but he’s having family issues (Err… that’s new?!) & he’s been so sick lately (yeah because he hasn’t rested at all) that it’s got him down but the last thing he wants to do is hurt me & understands how I am feeling. He really enjoys spending time with me but is not sure he wants a serious thing at the moment which is unfair on me but he was expecting this message from me but also didn’t want it. But he’s not someone that wants to hurt me while he is working out what he wants. He understands & will respect my decision.

What is my decision? Go on & be hurt anyway or go on & maybe have the relationship I’ve always wanted or end it now so I don’t get a chance at being hurt? I hate when people list your qualities on their fingers, if I was that great, then surely he’d want to be with me, or make more of an effort to hang on to me. I don’t want to be a backup while someone works out what they want.

I reply saying, ‘yeah I know I’m awesome hahaha, just not awesome enough.’ I say it was great to meet him & hang out with him & that I’ll drop his beanie back. I say take care & hope he find what he wants. I expect that will be it, but he texts again.

He says I’m an awesome chick & seriously a few months down the track when he knows where his head is at, he’d seriously ask me out. He says he hopes I don’t see him as someone that was just after one thing because it wasn’t true. He had a super time enjoying my company, some fine wines & some of the best sex he’s had in ages. If that has to be it he can understand but wishes me the best babe & hope I find what I am looking for.

Doesn’t this idiot realise that he is what I am looking for! Without even realising, he is the guy I want, he’s funny, I find him hot regardless of how fat he thinks he is, we have so much in common & I am totally myself around him. Why is he online when he doesn’t even know what he is looking for? That’s why I believe that if I was hotter, like the girl he was trolling, he’d have jumped into a relationship with me.

I respond saying that I want to keep seeing him but my head is too scrambled with overthinking but that he should look me up when he is ready, as no doubt I’ll still be single! He says it’s understandable & he respects me & that he’ll miss our Netflix sessions.

I don’t respond, it only takes about ten minutes for me to be howling, like heaving crying – which is so unlike me, I hardly ever cry, especially over a guy. Again I put it down to the hormones. This is so ridiculous.

I cry on the way to work & am barely there mentally on Wednesday, when I get to the office in the afternoon, I burst into tears when a colleague asks me what is wrong. I go out for a drink with a friend in the evening who I have known for over five years & have never cried in front of, but tonight I cry while telling the story. An old couple walk off & as they do, the man tells her to watch the stairs, I burst into tears, my friend doesn’t know what to do, to be honest, neither do I. Hahaha. I had this guy’s phone number for just over 2 months! I need to get a grip!

Not only did I genuinely put myself out there & gave this guy way more than I’ve ever given anyone before & I really thought that he was going to say that he wasn’t looking for anything serious but was willing to give up looking for other women online, otherwise I might not of said anything so soon. That was all the commitment I wanted for now. My friend told me to text that to him but I think it’s over, I’ve made my decision. I have to drop his beanie back (in his letterbox) but then I will move on.

Origin #8

I guess now I am concerned about where I am ever going to meet anyone again, how I am ever going to let someone into my life again. I think that is why I keep crying so much too, how do I keep doing this to myself? My friend said that I am closer, the more I’ve opened up the further the relationships have gone, I just need to keep putting myself out there. I think I need to hibernate for the winter.

I somehow get through the first full day without a text from him or me texting him. I cry a lot but try to go to bed early, I wake up all through the night & call in sick the next day like an idiot. I know I can’t give 100%, even 50% at work if I am constantly on the verge of tears but how stupid, I knew this guy for just over 2 months, how can I be that attached?

#IBD4U

Bonus Post: How to Blog

I’d just like to take this opportunity to thank those who ask me questions about blogging but also I’d like to remind everyone that I am not a professional or an expert on anything – especially dating, blogging or writing. Hahaha. However I do get asked a lot, how to blog, how did I get into it, how do I do it? It’s been a long windy road for me, so here is what I know…

First, I did a little short course in Adelaide at the adult learning centre (WEA) about 5 or 6 years before I started posting which was called blogging for beginners. The trainer said that 90% of blogs will fail in the first 6 months. I was like “pfft, it’s ok dude, I got this – I’m hilarious, I’ll get a million likes each post.” So I set about designing my logo, branding my blog, buying the domain name, setting up social media & getting an email. Little did I know that mine would fail within the first 3 months!

Secondly, I started to write. The stories came out easily, I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to write about then started the writing – I am still working through that list! I planned a whole bunch of blogs before I started posting because I wasn’t sure I was ready for this! I also want to make sure of longevity of the blog, what would I do if I get writers block?

Thirdly, I started reading other blogs & started to think about how I wanted my blog to be, what format I would use, who my audience would be & what did I have to say! I saw other dating blogs posting sometimes right after a date, I didn’t want to do that (I like to edit & let the story evolve before I post), but I didn’t see any other blogs doing it like I planned, to post after the fact & not be in real time.

how to blog

If you’re thinking about blogging, google is your friend… I learned so much from my course & so much from google. But here are a few tips from I’ve Been Dating For You:

  • Pick a topic
    • Choose a topic you’re passionate about
    • Write what you know! (It’s true what they say.)
    • Write as you would speak it, don’t try to be fancy, you’re not writing War & Peace, this is your time to be you
    • Be specific, don’t change your topic half way though
  • Pick a blog name
    • Make sure the name will evolve with you, your topic & your readers.
    • Make sure its identifiable & catchy (you know like I’ve Been Dating For You – hahaha)
  • Get a logo, email address, social media & domain name
    • Keep them all the same. This help builds your brand & consistency making your blog easier to find
    • Unless you can make the logo without using word clipart, then pay someone to do it for you
    • I suggest buying your domain so your web address if just your blog name ie: ivebeendatingforyou.com not www.i’vebeendatingforyou.com/wordpress as it looks cleaner & more professional
  • Find a site that can host your blog
    • I use WordPress, but you can use Tumblr, Wix or Blogger, any site for hosting a blog unless you can build your own website
    • Learn the site before you post, you don’t want to change your themes & keep updating your look while posting & confusing readers
  • Keep entries short
    • I suggest no more than 1500 words per blog but no less than about 700 words
    • People are busy, they don’t have time to read a never ending story – that’s what books are for
  • Post blog content regularly
    • At least 2 or 3 times per week on set days
    • People need to know when your going to post, if it’s too random & they haven’t subscribed, they won’t come back to look for new content
    • Don’t post too often, again people are busy & don’t have time to keep checking
  • Don’t start posting too soon
    • I started before I was ready & ended up taking another 2 years to continue to post. I know I have a lot to share, but you have to be ready to share with people you know first because that’s how you build your audience
  • Know your audience
    • You need to keep relevant by knowing your audience, knowing what they want to read & not deviating from your topic
  • Plan, Plan, Plan
    • Depending on your subject, you might not want to post as things are happening, you may prefer to edit, edit, edit before you post.
    • Be prepared for writers block. You need to be consistent so by posting a story you’ve just written you are running the risk of not having content for tomorrows post
  • Schedule your posts
    • I have a set schedule for my posts, so they are automatically posted at the same time every week, this saves time because I am also busy but keeps the consistency
    • I schedule mine a month in advance, that way if anything happens, there is a buffer
  • Don’t post too often
    • People don’t have time to read more than a couple of blog posts a week, don’t be too eager to get it all out there (this is hard for me, because I want to you to read everything I have coming up!)
  • Advertise your blog
    • Be prepared to be out of pocket $$$
    • Don’t expect to make money or be famous, blog because you want too, not because of what it might get you!

Initially when I started posting, I wasn’t getting any readers, why? Was my content not good? Maybe not. Was it because I wasn’t consistent? Yes, it was because I wasn’t prepared for how much time it took me to write content (writers block, over editing & second guessing that I was funny), to post, to keep up to date & to get readers! I wasn’t prepared for the amount of work (& money) it would take to get readers.

It’s been a rewarding experience for me & I can’t wait for you to all read it all. It’s made me more open to new things because I keep thinking that I will get a blog post out of it & I hope that you have all learned something or not felt alone (which was my main purpose for blogging). I can also see my writing evolve & myself as a person since my first blog post to what I am writing now. I hope you all stick with me…

Don’t expect it to happen overnight, I have been online for over 2 years but have only been regularly posting for the last 6 months. It’s been very difficult but fun. I look forward to hearing from you all, it’s so amazing to hear your feedback!

#IBD4U

Boyfriend #4

Shortly after Boyfriend’s ex girlfriend moves out with all the major furniture, we buy a lounge room suite , dining table, couch, lamp tables, coffee tables, but it’s not even delivered to his house before he gets an eviction notice & has no money saved, owes money to the landlord & is basically homeless.

I don’t want to rent, so I say that if we live together we need to buy a place together. He agrees but we need to save some money first. My sister & her now husband offer for him to move in with them, so we do. We stay with them & then one night per week at my parents, as I officially still live there. I’m not sure if we ever pay them rent, but I know we borrow money from my parents to pay boyfriend’s landlord.

When he tells his parents that we’re planning on buying a house, they transfer us $10k for our deposit. I’m so excited that we are able to start looking for a house. Around this time my sister gets married to her partner & goes on their honeymoon. Boyfriend & I start looking at houses to see what we can get, but we find it. The House. The place we both love at a reasonable price. We speak to a loan guy & he says we haven’t had the $10k long enough to be deemed as savings. So we ask my parents to be a guarantee for our loan. I struggle to do this while my sister is away because I need her advice. But my parents come look & agree it’s the perfect house for us & they help us buy it too.

He’d left the supermarket before we bought the house & I left not long after, for a store manager of a snobby shoe store. But I apparently had complaints made about me & was asked to leave. It was the first time I’d ever been unemployed in my life. Boyfriend supported me for a month before I got a job with a telco. I also hated that job, trying to save customers from cancelling. I wasn’t there long either. I then got a job as a store manager at another shoe store & was so excited to finally be doing something I love.

However as one part of your life goes well, another part falls apart. Cracks started to show with Boyfriend & I moved back in with my parents. I can’t really remember what it was about but I do remember him saying he’ll live there, I can rent out my part & we’ll own it together but not be together. I said absolutely not, if we’re not together, I’m not owning something with him. We somehow sorted it out & I moved back in after 6 weeks.

A year goes by & just after the Christmas I found another job as I was moved stores & hated it. I found a job with the federal government in a call/processing centre. One day, I’d called in sick to go to another job interview as the government job was with an agency.

One night we were out for dinner & he says that he wants a baby… What the Fuck! I haven’t ever really wanted kids, but I guess this is the path for an adult couple. I say that I will need some books to read on pregnancy, we go straight to the shops, buy some books & I start reading them. I tell him that I will finish this pill packet & then we’ll just have unprotected sex but not actually “try” to get pregnant. I don’t really want kids, but I guess this is the adult path to go down.

A couple of weeks later, Boyfriend was on holidays having spent the weekend in country SA where he was from. We went to bunnings to buy some plants to make a hedge out the front of our place & when we got back he came into our room & said “I can’t do this” What?! I assumed it was something to do with the plants but he was talking about us.

I don’t really fight for him to be with me. I toyed with the idea of telling him I was pregnant when my period was late – I’m not going to lie, it crossed my mind more than once… But what’s the point of tricking someone into being with you? If he doesn’t want to be with me, then I am not going to delay the inevitable!

I am genuinely upset about the break up. I find out later that he rekindled a friendship with a chick he went to school with while he was back home that weekend. He moved out of our house after a week of trying to live in our spare room, to be with her. My cousin saw him walking holding hands with her, that was hard to hear but I’m glad my cousin told me. Boyfriend had taken her to a hotel for the weekend. Funny that I never got a weekend away!

I packed up all his stuff in the spare room after he moved in with friends but before he moved his shit out. I got my sister to help me, wanting to remove any trace of him in what will soon be my house. His bedroom suite is in the spare room & I open the draw of the wardrobe to put some of his stuff in & find a big black bag. What the fuck is this? I snoop, having lived with this guy for over a year, been together 3 & a half years & having moved houses twice, I’ve never seen this bag!! I unzip wondering what it could be & it’s a giant bag of porn! Being a bit of a sexual being, I am half hurt that he never showed me but half surprised he was able to keep it a secret this whole time. I slip the pregnancy books into the top of the bag, zip it closed & shut the door of the room. I never went back in there until he was officially moved out.

One thing weird about our relationship was that we never kissed, like we’d peck on the lips all the time – hello/goodbye etc but he’d never kiss me properly with tongue (one of my favourite things to do), even during sex, I’d get a few pecks but nothing more & every time I asked why we don’t kiss, he never had a response & just said ‘I knew you’d ask me this’.

Also Boyfriend never said he loved me. I wasn’t loved by him. I think that’s what hurts me the most & actually probably still hurts me a little now, especially now having to relive this relationship while I write it for this blog. But I also know now that I wasn’t in love with him, I half said it once (yes, once in 3 & a half years) but I’m 100% sure I didn’t feel it. (Knowing what I know now!)

FB_IMG_1543380916900

When we broke up, over a few years I put on 30 odd kgs. I was bitter about our relationship & only now I know why. I didn’t know what love was… I feel like I am a good person & that surely someone should love me.

This is a very personal thing for me to say – that I have only just really worked out for myself in the last few years, but my absolute biggest fear in life is that I will die & I will not be loved by a man….

 

Wow…

 

Yeah!

 

Anyway…

 

UPDATE: I have lost the 30+ kgs & am now probably smaller than I was when I was with him, living a healthy, happy lifestyle! – No other spoilers about my relationship status now! Hehehe.

#IBD4U

Origin #7

I don’t hear from Origin so I text him in the morning when I get to the gym at 9:00 am, thinking I’ll have a cute text from him when I’m finished & he might want to try to catch up again this weekend, even though I’ve got a few things to do, I’ll squeeze him in. I’m at the gym for an hour, nothing. I’m at the dentist for an hour, nothing. I have a shower & wash my hair then straighten it (which takes about an hour with curly hair), nothing. I go to work about 1:00 pm & finally he texts to stay that he just woke up & his throat is so sore but he hopes I don’t get sick. I text him back but get no reply.

I am also freaking out about being pregnant & STI’s, he didn’t cum in me but I am just worried, I head to the pharmacy & get the Emergency Contraception Pill for the first time in my life. I wish I could talk to him about it, that I am responsible (since we both have said we don’t want kids) but also I want someone to be there for me as I go through stuff like this. I don’t tell him though. I plan to when we catch up next.

Later that night about 8:00 pm, I text to see how he is, mainly because my friend was egging me on to invite him where we were having a drink so she could meet him. He says he’s down south having a few beers but asks how my day was (I thought he had a sore throat?!). I respond but just get ‘nice’ back, I send a smiley face & get one back but then he finally has a conversation, asks if I’m having some reds, I say yes. He asks where I am, my friend immediately gets excited that he’s going to just rock up, but I’m 100% certain that my life is not a romantic comedy & he won’t. He says that he’s about to go home at 9:30 pm & my friend wants to go so she tells me to invite him over. He’s been weird all day & we don’t have that kind of relationship yet, so I just say we’re on our way home too. He says ‘expressway bang’ so I assume he’s on the southern expressway, so I casually mention he should get off at my exit, but then he says he hasn’t even left the pub yet. What? I don’t get why say he’s on the expressway if he hasn’t left yet? Red Flag! I don’t understand this guy anymore… At least I know he’s not out with a girl, because he wouldn’t be texting me if he was. He says goodnight about 11:30 pm.

The next day I stay in bed all day & I login to my online dating account but stay invisible to just to check my messages, when I see that Origin is online. He hasn’t text me & it’s almost 2:00 pm but he’s online. Has he been online this whole time but because I haven’t been at all, I didn’t even know? I text to see how he is & he says he’s feeling shit again we text a little bit but it’s not a great interaction. It feels weird & knowing that he’s online all day has really made me realise that I have no idea what this guy is playing at. I really thought he liked me.

I try not to dwell on it, we aren’t exclusive, I’m not that naive that I don’t think people online are dating other people, so I think that I’ll back off & let him text me. But fate… Fate steps in of course! My brother is playing with my phone changing my profile photo on Facebook to his own face like a douche, when he somehow dials Origin (he’s a iPhone user, I had a BlackBerry at the time), not only once but twice! He fucking called him twice! My heart pounds in my chest, For Fuck Sake! Now I’ll never know if he was going to text me. He calls me back & I explain that my brother was playing with my phone (as if he believed that) but he asked if I was free through the week & in the city to catch up for coffee, I said yeah maybe I could work it. He said we’ll work it out.

I text him to say sorry for calling & that I could work it out on Monday if he has an early break, he says he’ll let me know in the morning. We text a bit I get confused because he called me ‘shorts’ as in short for the nickname he gave me of ‘shorty’ but I thought he was talking about wearing shorts so we have a few laughs over texts & he says that he could use a cuddle & that we would talk to me in the morning.

On Monday morning, fate fucking steps in again… on the way to work, I am on my work phone to a colleague through the blue tooth in the car when I grab my personal phone out of my back pocket & put it in the centre console of the car. About five minutes later I get a message & check it but realise that my phone has called someone, FUCK ME HARD! It’s pocket dialed Origin!! What a fucking stalker, I am so stupid! Why oh why did it call him when I had a weird weekend with him & I wanted to see if the lunch date would go ahead. I text him to say sorry pocket dial, he said ‘some guy was talking LOL WTF’ . I explain I was on my work phone, he says ok, that he’s at work with the worst sore throat ever (again?! Really?!) I say that I have deleted him out of my recent calls because I feel like a fucking stalker. He says ‘yeah you stalker 😀 & beanie stealer 😉.’ I just respond that I’ll get it back to him & he doesn’t reply.

However, stalker that I’ve become, I look at my online dating app all day & he’s online most of the day on & off, is he looking for someone else? Have I not given enough of an indication that I am interested in him for him to not want to be searching online for someone else? I put my stalker tendencies down to the fact that I have more hormones running though me than usual due to the morning after pill.

But to my surprise at 7:45 pm he texts to see how my day was, things are better, but the whole time we chat, he is online (I am now in full stalker mode just sitting online but invisible so he can’t see me) we talk like normal, he says how sick he is & how he might die off like the chauffeur’s wife in Downton Abbey, I actually laugh out loud & say ‘dude, she dies in child birth’ (Spoiler alert!). We laugh about how he might die being he’s been sick for so long, I say don’t die though because I like spending time with you & he says that he enjoys seeing me as well.

Origin #7

We kinda stop texting, so I put my phone down but then he asks me ‘what else is new babe,’ do I assume he still wants to talk but I stupidly I think that he was meant to send that to someone else. But I reply anyway & we talk about how OCD I am & how his mum is the same & how he can’t sleep with dishes in the sink. We get onto whipper snippering & how he likes to do that in footy shorts so I said he can do it for me anytime, I think that would be hot. He gets a bit of a complex when I say I think he’s got hot arms & nice legs. Eventually he says after 11:00 pm that he wants to get some sleep so we can watch some more Netflix soon. I go to sleep a happy little Vegemite. Even though he was online the whole time, he is still keen to see me!

#IBD4U

Guest Blogger: April Fools

This comes from the same guest blogger who wrote Rug. This story is very familiar!

Thanks for sharing with us again!

April Fools

So, this is about a first date, not all that remarkable in terms of where we met or how, but it’s one that is firmly burned into my memory banks with the chemistry that we shared and for the journey that followed.

It started with a somewhat tentative swipe right based on an intriguing bio (switch, BDSM, kink, all of which I had no idea about at the time). And he was hot, really, really hot. We chat and we click and it’s fun and easy so we arrange a date for two days later. We both had plans with friends but agreed to meet later in the evening after we’d caught up with our friends properly and it would be fine to cross mingle.

We meet at a bar, I saw him approaching and we just locked eyes and smiled. We hug, grab a drink and head to the dance floor. It’s immediate chemistry. I announce I’m hungry after dancing and chatting for a bit and he disappears leaving me with his friend and my girlfriend. He reappears 5 minutes later with a sneaky cheeseburger, which is a semi drunk girls best friend. I was smitten.

Our friends all slowly disappear and we’re left on own own. Still hungry, we go have some blueberry pancakes and chat and laugh and flirt away for an hour or so. We leave, I insist on a piggy back ride, he happily obliges and we run off looking for a cab. In the interests of full disclosure I advise that I’m at the end of my period but I’d like him to come home with me anyway. He’s in and we’re off back to my place. I do love a man that’s not scared of the female body in all its sometimes gory glory.

It’s hot, primal and accepting. We get back to mine and it’s on, there’s kissing and more kissing and not tentative boring kissing, but really good, passionate hard kissing. The kind that leads to clothes coming off and being literally thrown down on the bed and being masterly attended to. He starts with finger fucking me in a way I never have been and I squirt and cum all over the place (note… I did not know what squirting was or what was happening at the time… but hey it felt good). I lost all inhibition that night and got absolutely lost in the moment. He’s clearly enjoying the experience and fucks me hard and well (and yes there was momentary pausing for condom action, because I’m not completely mad and nor was he).

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After all was said and done, I slept like a well sated nymph. I awake to a gorgeous adonis entangled up in the sheets with me and a bed that looks like a raging storm has blown through. I may have also had a mild hangover… We breakfast on coffee, tea and tiny teddy biscuits as I’m not by any stretch a chef or home maker. I drop him home and kiss him and say see you later friend. I did see him later, again and again for six months and it was a journey, my own personal sexual awakening. It was one I went into with my eyes wide open, knowing that it would lead to heartbreak (mine). But I’d do it all over again (and again).

Where do these people go after an experience like that? Why do they disappear? I don’t get it!

I wonder if we’ll get another installment? I don’t think this story is over!

#IBD4U

Die Hard Liberal

Since getting my new job (like 2 years ago – at that time, so not really new) it narrows down my selection pool for suitable men as there are some political aspects to it. So I am always up front with what I do for a living, usually within a few sentences, I’ll ask what they do if they haven’t already asked me, just to weed out those who may have a problem with it & what is essentially a big part of my life & my core values.

So when I tell someone what I do, most people don’t care but when you get the response like ‘really? I hate …’ or ‘you must have a cushy job’ (yeah right!) then you kind of know instantly that you don’t have the same core values. Usually because I’m stupid I will still try to have a conversation with this person but generally we end up deleting each other within a couple of days or even hours depending on how fired up we get.

So when I get this type of response from this guy including ‘are you vegan?’ when I say no, he says ‘well at least that’s something.’ So I poke questions at him of a political nature to find out what his view point is, what does he think about penalty rates, which sparks an entire debate to which we profusely disagree with each other to the point I am so fired up, he is calling workers unskilled, I tell him I’m defined as unskilled to him (having finished high school but never went to Uni) but I am one of these people he keeps putting down. I also ask what his view point is on marriage equality to which he says ‘once we’re married, I won’t care, everyone will be jealous of us anyway.’ OMG, is he serious?

During another chat with him, he tells me he likes my eyes & wants them… I was a bit confused as in he actually wants my actual eyes or he would just like blue eyes? He says he’s wants them for him as he’s stuck with brown – well I’m stuck with blue, we can’t change our eye colour?! I’m not sure if I should be scared that if I dated this guy, I’d end up eyeless. Yet for some reason, probably because of all you reading my blog, I do not delete him & see if this can get any funnier.

Origin #

When he asks for my email address to send me something that made him think of me, I am skeptical to send it to him, so I use my really old email I only use to sign up to newsletters when you join a loyalties program at a shop, which also doesn’t have my name on it. He sends me an email saying ‘I know we disagree with these things (but I know you like me) but I saw this & thought of you.’ Firstly – I know you like me? I mean who is this guy!? Secondly – he sent it from his work email so I was intrigued by his email address. So I google the address. The website included a photo of him (which was the same as his online profile photo) & podcasts so my boss & I listened & I realised even more that I am never going to be attracted to this guy. Not only do we have fundamentally different ideas & views on pretty much everything that I stand for but he keeps calling me ‘Babe.’ ‘Hey babe, what are you doing’ I’M NOT YOUR BABE, in fact the more you talk the more I dislike you.

He tries to chat to me more & more but I kind of ignore him. I finally respond to him & he asks what I’m doing, I say that I’m going to the pub with work people for a few drinks, he asks which one, I just say a local one by work. He responds, ‘I can’t stalk local pub, tell me which one, I want to meet your work friends.’ OMG – No way am I letting you meet my work friends, how embarrassing!

He chats again one night when I am bored & says that he wants to catch up so he can end up married to me, I say that I don’t know him well enough to want to meet him, he says let’s chat. I say ok, let’s chat, so I start going on about my work & his view points are so completely far fetched I ask him if he actually understands what my job is, when he says some thing also completely wrong, I just say look, this isn’t going to go anywhere, I think we should just look else where, he doesn’t respond but deletes me.

My boss kept saying to delete him but I needed him to delete me because if I did, he would of used my email incessantly until I responded, this way, he’s cut the ties & is less likely to contact me! Good bye you lunatic!

#IBD4U

Origin #6

Origin comes over to my house again, telling me again how much he likes the way I’ve done my hair, that he likes my outfit (I’ve just walked in from work, nothing special TBH) & that he likes my jeans. I almost wish that I was wearing my glasses but I didn’t put them on after work (I actually only need them for screen based work but always forget to wear them!). I try to just say thanks without telling him why he is wrong like I usually do, he says ‘shit I wore slippers, I look like a homeless person’ we have a joke about it, but I don’t mind, I think that he looks pretty good.

We order Indian food & I don’t order rice because I decide to cook it while we go pick up the dinner, but stupidly I forget to turn on the microwave so it would be ready when we get back. I like driving with a guy, when he’s driving & I’m just the passenger… This is such a coupley thing for me. I’m not sure why, but I love it.

When we get back I turn on the microwave & say we have to wait 11 minutes, he looks at me with that look, moving closer, saying ‘what can we do in 11 minutes?‘ & kisses me. We’re in my kitchen, stripping each other, wanting each other, so much passion, I don’t want him to stop. He pushes me up against my pantry & it’s hot, our hands everywhere. He bends me over the kitchen bench & goes down on me from behind for a bit (that’s hot! Think that’s a first from behind), before we kiss & walk into the lounge room. He tries to push me towards the couch but I sit him in a chair & straddle him. I stupidly don’t go get a condom, but we fuck without one but let him know that he can’t cum inside me – I’m not on contraception, we have hot quick sex & afterwards, I say that was more than 11 minutes. He laughs & gets dressed, not touching me or being loving at all. (that’s not that big of a deal, he hasn’t really been affectionate after sex so far.) We eat dinner & watch some TV while drinking some more wine.

Origin #6

He picks some show on Netflix that he’s always wanted to watch but we interrupt it to have sex, it’s probably the best sex the two of us have had together, on my couch, again with no condom (for fuck sake) but I figure that when I see my doctor in two weeks I will go back on the pill. Not only am I allergic to condoms, it’s so much better without them & this seems like it’s going somewhere, right? He jumps up right after, saying next time he’s going to stay over & goes to leave but I say that he should stay 5 minutes so I don’t feel like a prostitute. He lays down & cuddles my legs but it’s a bit weird, he’s fully clothed & he didn’t take off my top so I quickly put on my pants & steal his beanie to wear. He tells me how cute I look with it on.

When he says he’s going to go I stand up & we kiss passionately & he laughs & tells me to stop, he asks for his beanie back but I say no, we laugh, kiss a final kiss goodbye & he leaves. I go to my bedroom, get ready for bed & the text that comes while he’s on his way home. When the pink text light flashes I smile like a lunatic & am so excited that I found someone who likes me so much, I open the text not wanting to take his beanie off but find that it’s from Flaccid. I ignore him, I don’t need anyone else now. Origin & I am going somewhere & it feels like it might be to a little town called ‘relationship!’ It’s a bit soon – so I need to be calm, but I think that we’re both feeling the same & in a month or two, we really could be happy together. I can’t believe that this is happening to me! I fall asleep with Origins beanie on my pillow because it smells like him.

#IBD4U

He’s got a Single Friend!

Another thing I get a lot, especially when my friends get in new relationship & are all loved up, they’ll look at his friends, find the only single one & say ‘He’s got a single friend!’ Like all it takes is 2 single people to make a couple?! Right…

So over the years, I’ve always been so reluctant to go there, what if I like them & they don’t like me back (this has happened before but I was too chicken to tell someone that I liked him) then I have to see them when our friends get married or at birthday parties, my life would be like the movie ‘Life as we know it’ with Katherine Heigel, but lately, I’ve been thinking ‘What the hell’?

So more recently a friend suggested that her new boyfriend has a single friend & I used my new motto ‘what the hell, I may at least get a blog out of it’ so I think possibly she can set up a double date with her & the boyfriend & just have a casual dinner with this friend, something with no pressure, so I text back & say yeah set it up. It’s then that I get the backtrack messages, ‘oh my boyfriend doesn’t think you’ll like him’ or ‘it might be a bit weird’. Well hell dude, you suggested it, I just finally agreed to let you set me up with some weirdo you & I don’t even know & you think it will be weird! I also don’t even know your boyfriend so why does he think his friend won’t like me? Shouldn’t I be the one to decide if I don’t like him, chances are with my luck he’ll be the one rejecting me?

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Also why doesn’t anyone ever say to the guy ‘I’ve got a single friend’ & find out if he likes me before they get my hopes up!? Why do they always come to me first, can’t they go to him then say to me ‘hey this guy likes you’ then I can be the one to reject. Or in most cases never meet because although my friends mean well, they somehow don’t actually want to do the set up thing.

Days later my friend is still backtracking on the meeting with this guy telling me that her boyfriend (who I’ve never met yet) thinks he’s a weirdo & a big drinker that I won’t like him. So I just tell my friend not to worry that I was trying to be more open but right now this kind of thing just sets me back. I mean if friends don’t even think I’m worthy of their boyfriends friends, then what the hell do single men think when they meet me?

It’s not a great frame of mind to be in, which is why I never wanted to do the meet the boyfriends friend thing anyway. FFS

#IBD4U

Guest Blogger: The Blown Match

Well this reminds me of We’re fucked before, in a way. Casual tinder dates are fun, until someone is blown away! hahaha.

The Blown Match

This is the story of another really regrettable tinder hook-up. The chatting and the banter was excellent. He was funny, playful and engaging. He was pretty cute in his pictures (he photographs well; in real life, I wasn’t as into him). I agreed to a sneaky lunch time quickie at my place, as we were both really time poor.

He wanted the porn-star experience: full makeup, lingerie, heels- the whole bit. In return, I was going to get banged like a barn door in a hurricane. He’d dropped some dick pics, and I was seriously questioning how it was going to fit. He was roughly the dimensions of a large sweet potato. I pre-gamed some painkillers just in case.

His finger-work was rough and unskilled. For someone who works with his hands, I expected a little more dexterity. Id already lubed up, so just wanted to get stuck in. He barely managed to get the tip in, before pulling out and spraying me from neck to belly-button in baby gravy.

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I laid there, stunned. His after etiquette left much to be desired. He didn’t offer to get me a towel/ something to clean his mess up. He didn’t offer to do anything to make it enjoyable for me. He mumbled some vague comments about how into it he was and that “this has never happened before”- you can hear my eyes rolling as I write this. He got up and left. I was relieved.

He at least stuck to my rules- no mouth kissing, no cuddling after, no sleepovers. The only good thing about this encounter is that he missed my hair and face with his premature gush of goo.

Miss Slut xx

Seriously, I don’t understand men. Can someone please explain?!

#IBD4U

Origin #5

I initiate texts with Origin in the morning (to show I’m interested too – this is something I struggle with) but he’s home sick on the Wednesday with his sore throat. I don’t hear from him much & work is really busy so when I get a minute about 6:00 pm, he still sick but we text a little, he’s a little off, I just assume it’s cos he’s sick.

He says he’s having a relaxing bath & I’m say I’m going to do the same but with a glass of wine & more Downton Abbey he says he’s wishes he could join me; I say that if he wasn’t sick I would’ve let him. We talk about his sore rib & I say I hope it’s not from too much sex on the weekend, he says that “if it was, it was worth it, it was amazeballs” I say that I don’t think there is such a thing as too much sex but it was great for me too (not only do I agree with that, but he told me that’s part of the reason he & his ex-girlfriend broke up) he then tells me “that it was fucking amazing, you’re pretty good in the bedroom & you’re a cool person” & then he uses my real nickname & says “I enjoys your company” I swoon! He has been calling me shorty as a nickname but he used my real nickname that my friends use, it makes me realise that this guy actually likes me, this guy could be my boyfriend, he actually likes me, he’s not shy to tell me how much he likes me. It’s refreshing!

He asks me if there is anything I want him to do because he wants to please me (well there is lots but I want to discover that with him, not tell him over text) I tell him so but say that he can tell me what he might want to do too, but he says the same. I tell him how attracted I am to him because he makes me laugh all the time, even when I think about him at work. He says that’s cute & he’s glad I like hanging out with him because he definitely enjoys hanging out with me!

We text & text & text, it’s so good, we talk about the wine that I bought the first night & how we had it the next time, he says that we should go for a drive to some wineries to have a look one day (OMG YES!) I say I’d really like that… Future plans? I mean this guy is keen, I can’t believe it. I am so lucky!

He texts me at about 4:30 pm the next day just to see how my day is going, it’s so sweet & I love getting texts from him, I light up like a dickhead when I see his name & it’s so awesome that I’ve finally found someone who wants to see me as much as I want to see them! We text for a bit; he tells me to think of him naked at the gym & I will smash it. He didn’t go to work on the Thursday either, he sends me another random picture of himself sitting watching TV & I love it.

We somehow get onto a foot fetish topic which I say no I hate feet; he agrees but then says that I have cute little feet. Can this guy be for real? I mean surely I am not going to be this lucky! I just say thanks but he says that I also look heaps cute wearing my glasses as well as hot, he thinks they’re really cute & he wants to ‘do me’ in them, it’ll be sexy. I agree saying that we can definitely do that. He asks me again what I would want from him sexually, so I just say that I’d like if he pinned down my arms & fucked me hard while kissing my neck, he says done but now he’s hard thinking about it. He tells me to be open with him because it’ll help me out, I tell him that I will be but I need a bit more trust to do the things want to do but he makes me satisfied.

He asks what I’m doing on the weekend, which I’m free Friday night but he’s catching up with mates on Saturday night & I’m busy all day Saturday. He suggests a movie at my house on Friday night, even though he’s had two sick days, I don’t think much of it because I want to see him.

On Friday at 2:30 pm I get a text to ask how my day is going, I wonder if he’s about to cancel on me, from past experiences I just assume that’s what he’s going to do, but we arrange to meet at my house at 6:30 pm & we’ll grab take away & watch a movie. I’m so excited, our seventh date in four weeks (Why am I counting?). This is a record for me, I’m so excited to see him, I don’t get nervous & act like a dickhead, I am just me. Finally, a guy has hung around long enough to see the real me. Finally, a guy that likes me for me, that doesn’t want to just have have sex with me.

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I can’t believe that I have found someone that I wasn’t even going to add online because he’s only 32 (younger than me) & I wasn’t sure about his pictures & I hate that he has ‘a girl that looks after themselves’ on his profile but this guy is so funny, which is something I am so attracted too, it’s probably why I am liking him so much, that & how much he tells me I’m pretty or look good. I mean at one point he said he likes my house so much that I should be an interior designer. I am totally letting my guard down & letting him in… EEK! This guy can’t be for real, he can’t be for me!

#IBD4