Shortly after Boyfriend’s ex girlfriend moves out with all the major furniture, we buy a lounge room suite , dining table, couch, lamp tables, coffee tables, but it’s not even delivered to his house before he gets an eviction notice & has no money saved, owes money to the landlord & is basically homeless.
I don’t want to rent, so I say that if we live together we need to buy a place together. He agrees but we need to save some money first. My sister & her now husband offer for him to move in with them, so we do. We stay with them & then one night per week at my parents, as I officially still live there. I’m not sure if we ever pay them rent, but I know we borrow money from my parents to pay boyfriend’s landlord.
When he tells his parents that we’re planning on buying a house, they transfer us $10k for our deposit. I’m so excited that we are able to start looking for a house. Around this time my sister gets married to her partner & goes on their honeymoon. Boyfriend & I start looking at houses to see what we can get, but we find it. The House. The place we both love at a reasonable price. We speak to a loan guy & he says we haven’t had the $10k long enough to be deemed as savings. So we ask my parents to be a guarantee for our loan. I struggle to do this while my sister is away because I need her advice. But my parents come look & agree it’s the perfect house for us & they help us buy it too.
He’d left the supermarket before we bought the house & I left not long after, for a store manager of a snobby shoe store. But I apparently had complaints made about me & was asked to leave. It was the first time I’d ever been unemployed in my life. Boyfriend supported me for a month before I got a job with a telco. I also hated that job, trying to save customers from cancelling. I wasn’t there long either. I then got a job as a store manager at another shoe store & was so excited to finally be doing something I love.
However as one part of your life goes well, another part falls apart. Cracks started to show with Boyfriend & I moved back in with my parents. I can’t really remember what it was about but I do remember him saying he’ll live there, I can rent out my part & we’ll own it together but not be together. I said absolutely not, if we’re not together, I’m not owning something with him. We somehow sorted it out & I moved back in after 6 weeks.
A year goes by & just after the Christmas I found another job as I was moved stores & hated it. I found a job with the federal government in a call/processing centre. One day, I’d called in sick to go to another job interview as the government job was with an agency.
One night we were out for dinner & he says that he wants a baby… What the Fuck! I haven’t ever really wanted kids, but I guess this is the path for an adult couple. I say that I will need some books to read on pregnancy, we go straight to the shops, buy some books & I start reading them. I tell him that I will finish this pill packet & then we’ll just have unprotected sex but not actually “try” to get pregnant. I don’t really want kids, but I guess this is the adult path to go down.
A couple of weeks later, Boyfriend was on holidays having spent the weekend in country SA where he was from. We went to bunnings to buy some plants to make a hedge out the front of our place & when we got back he came into our room & said “I can’t do this” What?! I assumed it was something to do with the plants but he was talking about us.
I don’t really fight for him to be with me. I toyed with the idea of telling him I was pregnant when my period was late – I’m not going to lie, it crossed my mind more than once… But what’s the point of tricking someone into being with you? If he doesn’t want to be with me, then I am not going to delay the inevitable!
I am genuinely upset about the break up. I find out later that he rekindled a friendship with a chick he went to school with while he was back home that weekend. He moved out of our house after a week of trying to live in our spare room, to be with her. My cousin saw him walking holding hands with her, that was hard to hear but I’m glad my cousin told me. Boyfriend had taken her to a hotel for the weekend. Funny that I never got a weekend away!
I packed up all his stuff in the spare room after he moved in with friends but before he moved his shit out. I got my sister to help me, wanting to remove any trace of him in what will soon be my house. His bedroom suite is in the spare room & I open the draw of the wardrobe to put some of his stuff in & find a big black bag. What the fuck is this? I snoop, having lived with this guy for over a year, been together 3 & a half years & having moved houses twice, I’ve never seen this bag!! I unzip wondering what it could be & it’s a giant bag of porn! Being a bit of a sexual being, I am half hurt that he never showed me but half surprised he was able to keep it a secret this whole time. I slip the pregnancy books into the top of the bag, zip it closed & shut the door of the room. I never went back in there until he was officially moved out.
One thing weird about our relationship was that we never kissed, like we’d peck on the lips all the time – hello/goodbye etc but he’d never kiss me properly with tongue (one of my favourite things to do), even during sex, I’d get a few pecks but nothing more & every time I asked why we don’t kiss, he never had a response & just said ‘I knew you’d ask me this’.
Also Boyfriend never said he loved me. I wasn’t loved by him. I think that’s what hurts me the most & actually probably still hurts me a little now, especially now having to relive this relationship while I write it for this blog. But I also know now that I wasn’t in love with him, I half said it once (yes, once in 3 & a half years) but I’m 100% sure I didn’t feel it. (Knowing what I know now!)
When we broke up, over a few years I put on 30 odd kgs. I was bitter about our relationship & only now I know why. I didn’t know what love was… I feel like I am a good person & that surely someone should love me.
This is a very personal thing for me to say – that I have only just really worked out for myself in the last few years, but my absolute biggest fear in life is that I will die & I will not be loved by a man….
UPDATE: I have lost the 30+ kgs & am now probably smaller than I was when I was with him, living a healthy, happy lifestyle! – No other spoilers about my relationship status now! Hehehe.