Month: Jun 2021

I am going to be brutally honest & this post probably won’t even be 500 words! What a way to spoil it! Hahaha. Sorry.

I have limited notes so most of this is just memory but I need you to hear these stories… This happened shortly before I ended things with Silverlining. I was chatting to Tattoo online a fair bit & we were getting along so we decided to meet for a drink.

Why does chatting online come so easily with some men, its funny, cheeky, even easy & so you start planning your life with these men thinking about how they’re going to fit in your life, yet you’ve not even met them… Does anyone else do this?

When Tattoo & I meet, he’s British – you all know I love this. He’s covered in tattoos – not an issue for me, I have 7 myself but mine all aren’t on show, all hidden. But he’s also bald – which you all know I don’t love. He spends a lot of time telling me about his tattoos & what they mean, I’m pretty sure there were actual sea creatures, not just cartoons or artist impressions, they were actual sea creatures like from a science book. He talks a lot about his work & how much he earns, saying he earns over $120k for the job he does is probably fucking bullshit – I can’t remember what he did but I remember thinking I’m either underpaid, he’s overpaid or lying. Probably the latter!

We met at a pub I seem to have every first date at, the staff there must see me with a different guy every few months & think I’m a prostitute or something. Hahaha. The date goes ok, as we sit there, chatting & laughing, I know I am not 100% invested in this guy, however like always I am open to a second date, you know – to give them a go. FFS.

I’d had a couple of wines & he’d had a few drinks, when we go to leave he says he didn’t drive there & he’ll wait around for a Uber home. Before I even know what I’ve said I offer to drive him home. WTF #IBD4U. Why would you offer to drop this weirdo home… (he’s not a weirdo but I mean he’s a stranger – then again you have let men stick their dick in you after a short date… Maybe this isn’t that bad!) His suburb is a little further away than mine but I drop him off anyway. As I pull up at his house & park, he does ask me inside which I say no it’s late blah blah blah in a school night, so he leans over & kisses me goodbye. Quite a long passionate kiss. He says that he has a great night & asks to do it again. I say my standard yes.

The next day I receive a message from him, telling me that he had a good time but he doesn’t want to take it any further with me… OK. So at least one thing I realised is that while I say the standard yes to seeing them again, they are doing the obligatory hope to see you again speech. I just never thought anyone would ever use it on me, I’ve been ghosted so much, I just assumed people would do that if they didn’t want to see you…

So another one bites the dust hurting my feelings without even trying… Soon after this things are over with Silverlining & I try to date some other men… Look how well that turns out!

Well look at that – I did get 500 words out of this date!

#IBD4U

Ah so we’re still around the end of 2019, I meet a man online who I have mutual friends with on Facebook. I actually work with his cousin & have a friend in common too, you may remember Shark, this guy, Comedy is also friends with him too… That’s Adelaide for you. Comedy isn’t exactly my type but to be honest, I don’t know what my type is. I mean I used to always want someone with blonde hair & blue eyes, just like me. However every single guy I date is pretty much brown hair, brown eyes & usually with a beard… I mean I hate beards. Yet the guy I love has one? So yeah he wasn’t even my typical type & yet somehow I fell for him too. This guy Comedy is fair with blue eyes, so perhaps this is why he’s been sent to me? Perhaps he is my type?

Also he knows people I know so he can’t be a complete douche? But then why haven’t people tried to set me up if he’s single? Well I’ll tell you why… We chat for a bit & then decide to meet, we meet for a drink at a pub, closer to me than him but he lives way out north in whoop whoop but he says that he doesn’t mind driving to meet me… It’s a Sunday afternoon, I know I will have to go home & have family dinner soon, so we won’t get long anyway.

Comedy tells me about how he has two kids & also tells me that his ex has done a number on him, not going into full details but he gave me enough information for me to realise that he is not over her or what happened. He also reveals that he’s not looking for a relationship – well what the fuck are we doing here? Why date if you don’t want a relationship? Don’t you just try to fuck them after a few drinks? Not meet them on a Sunday afternoon!

So I sit though the date doing what I usually do & avoid talking about my past, knowing that there is no point being here today… I mean I am not saying he has to want to be in a relationship with me or that I am looking for one as such while my heart is still shattered, but I know I don’t want to waste time with someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Been there – done that! This blog is a testament to that. Hahaha.

Anyway he contacts me after the date & asks to go to a comedy show, I have nothing better to do, so I decide to go along. We can be friends. We meet for a drink & a comedy show after work one night & it’s a good night, a little awkward as I know his feelings haven’t changed & so I keep him at distance. I am not certain what I am looking for but I know I don’t need another emotionally unavailable man in my life. I don’t want to get hurt again & I don’t want to put myself in a position again when I could fall for someone who can’t/won’t fall for me.

He keeps the conversation going online after the date & we arrange to meet for another comedy show & dinner, after work again on a weeknight however, this night I am starting to get a sore throat & I don’t want to cancel since we had tickets, but at the end of the night when we’re standing at my car, I get the feeling he is going to try to kiss me… To be honest, my throat isn’t that sore & it actually never eventuated into anything, however, knowing how far away this guys lives from me – like over an hour & a half away plus the fact that he doesn’t want another relationship, I am keeping myself emotionally unavailable to him. I mean lets face it, I am emotionally unavailable to everyone at this point, but I have a guard up with this guy. So I pull away from the kiss & tell him that I don’t want to get him sick. He genuinely looks upset & I never want to see that look on a guys face ever again.

After that date, we chat a little, he messages me for my birthday & we talk about going to another comedy show again – as that’s the thing we had in common & lets face it who doesn’t love a comedy show?!

But a few months later – I see his profile picture has changed on Facebook & what do you know… It’s a stunning woman looking all gooey eyed with him…WHAT THE FUCK. He was so adamant about not wanting to be in another relationship ever again – EVER, like so much so that I was taken back by the way he was so forceful about it, yet he was on a dating app, matching with people a million miles away from him…  

He’d even told me about a woman he was seeing just before me who he’s now just friends with but she wants more & he refuses to give her more so she’s stopped seeing him – or something like that… I don’t blame her & I thank him for his honesty on the date, but this shit fucks me off…

I kept this man at a distance & never got to really know him or give either of us a chance because of what he’d said & now look, he’s got a fucking gorgeous girlfriend… Where am I? Still dating absolute fuckwits… I just want to scream….

#IBD4U

This isn’t going to be a long one, for a long weekend, you should have a good long blog, but sorry this is not it! Spoiler alert!

I meet this guy online & my first instinct is that I am not instantly attracted but I’ve been told sometimes it takes a while to build that chemistry & attraction – well not in my experience, I mean I had an instant connection online with you know who & when I met him in person the sparks flew, the electricity crackled.. I think that’s very rare… Or very rare for me anyway.

I chat to this guy for a short time but to be honest we barely chat before he’s asking me out on a date. For something different, we meet before work for breakfast… A week day date that is completely out of the norm for me, so I think this is isn’t going to be that bad, this could be fun, this could be the one…

Oh fuck I love the beginning of things & also loathe myself for having these thoughts… When we get to breakfast, it’s early in the morning, the place we’ve chosen isn’t packed but there is no where to sit but outside of hipster stools.

He’s very tall, like lanky tall, really blonde hair – like almost an albino looking guy & looks pretty much like his pictures – which makes me think instantly that I am not really attracted. Most guys I meet look nothing like their pictures.

The conversation rapidly gets staler than a loaf of bread left out on the bench & I find it so difficult to even seem interested in my while I eat my overly expensive smashed avocado & poached eggs. We literally talk about his business – he’s a developer or something, honestly his monotone voice makes me tune out but I sit there looking interested & asking lots of questions. He asks about my work & my hobby business but it’s forced. This whole date feels forced… Is it the breakfast style date or is it the company?

This will come a complete shock to you all (not) I never message this guy ever again & I know I’m never going to hear from him again either, which I don’t… However I still wonder what the fuck I could have done to not get a message from him.

This always intrigues me, so many people tell me I am beautiful, I look like my pictures, my dry sense of humour & personality is the same over text as it is in person, yet people tell me I’m fussy… I just went on a boring date after boring date with losers & I’m the one who doesn’t get a text message?!

Anyway sorry for the short blog, my notes were very vague on this one but I think it’s important you see how many actually fucking dates I go on to truly understand me!

Have a great weekend, until next blog!

#IBD4U

Do we all remember Milky? If you’re a regular reader you might remember him… You can go back & read the story but his story crosses over with others & is a little complicated, so if you don’t have time for that, I’ll sum up a little bit about Milky for you…

Firstly I have to admit that while Milky was only in my life for a short time, albeit twice, he also was one of my biggest sexual influences… He wasn’t the best sex I’ve ever had now, but he was at the time the top sexual partner I had. Others have surpassed him at this point in my story but he really showed me a thing or two about fucking up until that time.

Milky was the one who showed me a little kink, spanking & tying me up. He took me to my first rope week show where I sat in awe of what was happening on stage, never knowing that a few years later I would be hanging out with these people… Milky was also my first real FWB. He was the first person that I was comfortable to hang around & I wasn’t constantly thinking – where is this going. Until I thought I wanted more & called it off when he didn’t feel the same. He was sort of – as one of my friends puts it – my sexual awakening. He showed me that there was a lot more to sex than just laying on your back & pretending to cum so it was over…

The second time with Milky, I knew I wasn’t interested in him romantically but he was an actual FWB until he fucked it up by wanting to fuck my other FWB’s wife. Which he did & treated her poorly & so I never saw him again after that… However the mother fucker is back!

My life is very interesting, I guess I am always on the chat app so people come & go, I allow people to walk in & out of my life, so I get that I am part at fault here but seriously, how many times does a guy need to come back into my life & still not want to date me!? FFS.

This is honestly another example of why my heart is broken & remains broken… If you’ve ever had a broken heart & still think love is out there for you, but love kicks your ass every time you chat to someone – no matter where you find them (for those who say I’m looking in the wrong places) or even when I am not looking, like now, somehow Milky returns to my life & chats as if nothing has happened, as if no time has passed. I do like that he’s just sort of picked up where we left off, that it’s like no time has passed, that is the sign that he truly was a proper FWB. Probably one of the only functioning FWB I’ve ever really had.

We actually talk about what happened with Sweetie & look, it may have all been a misunderstanding. Regardless of what happened with Sweetie & Max, there was no way Milky & I stood a chance once Noodle came into the picture. I cut everyone else out. I had something with Noodle that I never had with anyone else before. But now Milky is back, there is no Noodle perhaps this could be the time for him. However something sparks in me to look at Milky’s fetlife account & he still has pictures of his girlfriend up there. Now fetlife for some is as update as their Facebook. If you’re like me, it’s not & I still have things of Noodle up there, so I just casually ask if he has a girlfriend still. When he says yes, I’m ot surprised but do no want to get back into being in a three way thing again, I ask if they’re open though & he says that they used to be but now they’re not. I tell him to get off the fucking chat app & he says that she doesn’t know he’s on there but she doesn’t want sex as much as she used too so he’s just looking for something on the side… OMG not this old chestnut…

I know I have been the mistress before & I have been the second partner in a poly type thing before but fucking hell, when do I get to be girlfriend number one for once?! To be frank with you I end the communication with him shortly after this revelation.

Just another example why my heart hurts, why it’s so difficult for my heart to repair. I know this post is less than 1000 words (as are the other shorter ones recently), but remember in actual real time, I am chatting to these people virtually non stop for a week or two – sometimes even longer, during such time I am sticky taping my dream wedding back together in my head – genuinely thinking that this could be how my story ends… This could be the man I have been dating for… When it all comes crumbing down around me again, I think to myself ‘how much more of this bullshit can I handle?!’

#IBD4U