Crows #3

The day before my birthday, Crows tells me that he can’t see me on my birthday for birthday sex, but he can see me the day before. I am stupidly hoping & praying that Noodle will message me for my birthday, I know it’s stupid it’s been over a month since he came to my house like a thief in the night & took his stuff but before the STI scare. I am furious but fuck I am so devastated.

I did have a reader say that they thought my email I sent was manipulative, I mean I know it was passive aggressive & I do want Noodle’s partner to know the truth, however, I never write to Noodle again, nor do I try to contact him & the main reason is because of his kids. I have always said I don’t want kids of my own, however, I did want his kids in my life. But they had been traumatised enough by the violence, ambulances & then being at a weird lady’s house all day… That I know I have to stop trying to get Noodle to be with me. So just know, that I did want him with my whole heart, I do love him & I do love him enough not to cause further drama. He asked me not to contact him, I sent that final email & I move on, as much as I can…

Crows comes to my house, usually telling me to be naked for him & tied up to my x restraints. He likes to walk in & find me in bed naked, squirming & actually spends a couple of hours fucking me, which is really good – I love this time when I am completely with this man & not thinking about Noodle. It honestly doesn’t happen that often, but I am thankful that this guy invades my thoughts & is quite a kinky guy. I like his demands of me.

The next time he’s coming to my house, he tells me that he won’t be there till after 11:00 pm, that I must send a photo of myself every hour on the hour. He doesn’t care what is, it doesn’t have to be a dirty picture but I must send him something every hour on the hour & if I don’t there will be punishment. Crows hasn’t spanked me much, a few spanks during sex, so I assume like every other guy who’s punished me, it’ll be a spanking if I don’t follow though. The excitement is a real turn on. I mean no one has given me a task like this before. Noodle told me not to cum sometimes before I went to sleep if he was seeing me in the morning, which frustrated the hell out of me, but I always obeyed. I intend to obey Crows & I start sending him pictures, of cause they are naughty ones – it is me after all! Hahaha.

I decide that I want to wear some lingerie for him, he says he doesn’t want me to, that he doesn’t really care about lingerie, just wants me to be naked when he gets there. I think he senses my disappointment & asks me to show him what I would wear. I put on a full red set – bra, g string suspender & red knee high tights. He tells me that I look really good, I show him options with no g string because he’d had to take the tights off then the g string, so I decide to put the g string over the top which he likes better than no undies, which is odd since he wanted me naked. I’ve sent him about 4 pictures in the last hour, but at 5 past 11, he tells me that I failed to send him a picture at 11:00 pm & I will be punished. I try to explain that he got 5 photos from me this hour, but he tells me that those didn’t count. I am excited, I mean I don’t know what this guy will have in store for me. I mean spanking for me isn’t really a punishment, because I like it. I’m not sure why guys would even threaten that to me, I enjoy it so it’s not really a punishment. But I get excited thinking about Crows getting there & spanking me because I’ve been naughty & not followed his instructions.

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He gets to my house at 11:30pm. He walks into my room & while he looks at me with desire of seeing me in a full lingerie get up, his eyes don’t pop out of his head like Noodle’s did. It’s the only time that I am with Crows that I think about Noodle. I hate that. But then Crows is kissing & touching me, I’m stripping his clothes off & we lay back on the bed, when he rolls off me & says that my punishment is that I have to massage his back for 5 minutes, with a timer on. WHAT THE FUCK! He lays on his stomach, gets his phone, puts a timer on & tells me to start. Is he actually factually serious? When I don’t start, just looking at his back, he looks over his shoulder with a smouldering look & he tells me that the timer is on & that he’ll make it 10 minutes. I quickly move & straddle his butt & start rubbing his shoulders, barely being able to do it without giggling – which he tells me to stop. I keep leaning down to kiss his ears & neck but he tells me to get back to massaging his back… OMG! This really is a punishment, & while I assumed he would spank me, I am actually really impressed that this guy didn’t just spank me as a punishment. This 5 minute massage is fucking hilarious, I mean that is exactly what a punishment should be – something I don’t enjoy. But I am even more surprised that he put on the timer & made me massage him for exactly 5 minutes. For some reason, it does turn me on that this is my punishment, I mean I don’t enjoy it but I am finding his Dominant side fucking hot! I honestly didn’t think he had it in him to do something like this. He fucks me & goes down on me after making me massage him, he decides that he wants to take pictures tonight, which I allow. He makes me cum so many times that when he says he wants to fuck my ass, I do freak out a little bit as he has a very thick & long cock, but I tell him that he can try… He lays on top of me so we’re facing, my favourite way if I ever do anal & slides in slowly. I am thankful that he’s relaxed me because it does hurt a little, but starts to feel good with a few thrusts. He takes some pictures & video, I am surprised I allow him to take it with his phone but he does send them to me, it’s very hot. He says that he wants to cum on me, so when he’s ready & I’ve cum from being fucked, he rips the condom off & cums on my tummy.

A week later, I am horny & thinking about fucking Crows, I want to see him but he says that he can’t really drive to my house to see me, I offer to meet him for some car sex. He suggests that we meet half way at the beach, it’s about 11:00 pm at night in August (for international readers, that means it’s winter here & fucking freezing!) I assume we’ll fuck in the car but he decides that we should have sex on the beach. This will be the 2nd time that I have sex on the beach ever in my life. The first time it wasn’t that great for me, but Crows asks if I have a blanket which we take down to the beach. I take a couple of carb free beers (best ones are pure blonde – if there are any people looking to sponsor me! Hahaha) & we have a drink, chatting before we start kissing. I mean it’s freezing so we need to do something to warm up! We get semi naked, him pulling down his pants & me taking one leg out of my jeans, we fuck & I ride him, there is no one around & I oddly love the feeling of outdoor sex. I know I’ve done the outdoor thing with Noodle at a train station, in a car wash etc but yeah I never thought I would like it but I do.

I don’t see this guy for a little while after that, approximately a month, his work is busy, I’m away for work & of course I’m a drama magnet, so we’re currently waiting for our STI results… What else does Noodle have in store for me?


Noodle #55

I obviously don’t talk to Noodle again. I sent him that email but get no reply – I don’t even know if he read it. I worded it carefully in case she reads it – in case she knows about that cheating email address too. But maybe he’s not checking the email again, but I am not going to poke the bear & text message him – as much as I want a reply. I just have to be done with this.

One morning, maybe a week or two after the infamous pill overdose, I’m walking to car & see something in my letterbox, it’s not junk mail & I don’t think it’s a package that’s been delivered. It wasn’t there when I got home last night & so what the fuck is it. As I get close to the letter box, I realise that it’s a stuffed toy wrapped in rope. FUCK! Is this a message from her? She now knows my nickname on the chat app, bought a toy that is the same & now tied rope around it as a message to me? FUCK… I am shaking like a leaf… My tummy is churning & every photo I take of it is blurry. I finally get a good picture & find Noodle’s phone number which I had deleted & send it to him “She won’t do anything? Found this in my letter box this morning!” I don’t expect a reply but it comes straight away “That’s not her im assuming that’s Max.” Hmmm, never thought of him, I guess it could be, but surely Max would know what bad fucking timing it is to do something like that without a fucking message. I look at the tag attached to the toy & see Max on the card. FUCK… I hate that I sent that message to Noodle. What an overreaction! Max messages me sorry for giving it to me, but I say it was ok just bad timing & a weird way of doing it – why didn’t he give it to me rather than leaving it my letterbox? But Max doesn’t ever write back to me again, what a fucking shock!

I try to stay away from everything, I even think about leaving the chat app, but Shark & a few others tell me not too – not to slink away & let Noodle & his partner have free reign of my turf, so I create a new account, because she now has my account & also knows what I look like! FUCK. There were only a few things I asked of Noodle in the whole year & a half this has been going on, & that is to protect my identity & where I live – at all costs. So far now she knows what I look like, what job I do which isn’t a very common job & where I live, but of course she won’t do anything, she promised Noodle… Can you feel my eye rolling then?

A few days later, I get a notification that Noodle views my profile on an adult dating site, then less than a minute later, his joint account with her views my account. I’m assuming he’s blocking me? Or what the fuck is he doing? Fuck he’s a wanker. The next day I get a message on the chat app from him “Why is gods name are you on AMM. LOL. You do realise my partner wants to kill you right?” OMG is he the online dating app police? “You do realise I am not scared of her! You’re also the one who looked at my profile from both your profiles. If I wanted to cause shit I’d message her on the chat app. But I love & respect you enough not to cause drama.” If only I had the same respect from him! Fuck he’s done so much shit to me & now I can’t believe that I can’t even be on a fucking website without him snapping my head off! Fucking idiot. I am so angry. He never reads the response. But I don’t even care, I delete him before I can even see if he does. & create my new account, leaving all this shit behind me… Please!

With this open thing Noodle & his partner have going on, even yes after they have a drug overdose incident, they are still trying to be open… I really pity any woman that gets involved with Noodle, even for a hook up! I know that his partner is never going to be ok with any woman he is with, even if she says she is.

I am devastated here & not eating or sleeping, actually still in love with this man who is now using the anonymous app almost daily “Any ladies want to chat? Male 30’s 6’1” or “Any sexy lady want to chat?” or “Hard & rough is the only way to give it.” Or “Would love to give it hard to a sexy woman.” I am really hurt… I only know it’s him because his suburb comes up & there are no other people using the app in that suburb with the same chat rating. Fuck this really hurts me. But I can’t not look at the fucking app! I consider chatting to him & fucking with him, I mean he’s already accused me of fucking with him & his partner, so why not actually do it? I tell a few people how much this hurts me including Shark & Sweetie, two people who have really been there for me over this break up & though everything too. Shark tells me to post some thing on the anonymous app because Noodle always knows it’s me, so I do. Posting about how I’m going to be playing tonight with someone hot or something… I don’t know what I actually said, I wish I didn’t do it though to be honest because it was childish tit for tat & that’s not my style.

As the universe would have it, I have obviously spilled the beans to Crows about everything with Noodle, so he knows everything. What are the odds that Crows starts chatting to a chick on the adult website & it happens to Noodle’s partner. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Crows sends me screen shots of their chat, I’m not sure I’m ok with this, but I guess Crow’s thinks I have a right to know what she’s saying & he wants me to confirm if it’s her. She tells him about the affair & that “It was most Tuesday nights for 3 months. Just Bjs. Kissing.” First of all she knows that it was more than that? Doesn’t she? I did say in my message to her when she was pretending to be Noodle, that the last year with him was amazing for me. Noodle says she knows everything? She tells Crows that she’s fucked other guys & feels guilty about it & has given Noodle a free pass to fuck someone but she won’t pick the girl. I tell a few people again how upset this makes me, is she lying to Crow’s to save face or does she not know the truth? It fucking hurts to know she’s talking to people about me – as if I were nothing. I mean if she’s talking to Crows so candidly, surely she’s talking to others…

Crows also tells me that Noodle’s partner also told him at one point that she only wanted a 3sum with me so she could beat me up! I mean how would that even go down, would Noodle even allow that if she started to try to hit me? Would Noodle even stay with someone after she tried to beat me up in front of him? I mean I was never going to have a 3sum with them anyway, but I wonder what would’ve happened if I did go through with it? Would he stop it? Would she be getting the mental helps she needs? Because right now it seems like she isn’t… I guess, I would’ve 100% pressed charges against her & still would if she does anything to me or my house. Would that make him hate me? That I’d be the reason she has a criminal record? Well I mean it would be her own fault of course, but would he hate me for pressing charges? Would he stay with her? Would he be able to be with me being that she might go to jail because of me? Urgh, I hate the what ifs. I mean I wish when she was writing me messages from his account pretending to be him, that I said other things. But again, it’s not my style.

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So, I don’t know if I told you but when Noodle & I ended, I put a counter app on my phone to track how many days I hadn’t talked to Noodle. The break up book that my friend gave me suggested that you must go at least 90 days without talking to them. I made it 84 days but this time I am not even counting. Noodle can get fucked. I am seeing other people, it is a couple of months though until I hear from him again… I have been away for work & am at the airport, when I for some reason look at my old chat app account – which I never deleted but I don’t look at often. There are messages from this morning when I was on the plane from Noodle! – what are the fucking odds… My life OMG, it’s just stupid sometimes… I click on the messages – he can’t see that I have read them. “So have you had an STI check recently” OH HOLY FUCK! 30 minutes later, there are a bunch of more messages from him, which I get all at the same time Thanks to Sweetie for telling my partner we had a 3sum. Heads up my partner wants to kill you again. & she has HPV which she would be blaming you for. Sweetie told her 2 days ago. I can see you’ve moved on so wtf. Call the cops if she confronts you. She can be unstable. Not sure I can stop her this time.WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… OMG. She has HPV? What has Sweetie said? OMG. What is happening?!

I message Sweetie to find out what is going on. She sends me some screenshots of some messages she’s sent to Noodle’s partner!! “Hi. I thought you should know the truth about your cheating partner. Him & #IBD4U were seeing each other for over a year. They had sex frequently over the year they were seeing each other. They even had sex in a car wash! They went & had lunch dates. Noodle had never had a 3sum with 2 girls so #IBD4U thought she would make it happen. One afternoon I went over to #IBD4U house where Noodle was & we both fucked him in a 3sum. Noodle stopped wearing a condom fairly early on in their relationship. Noodle had genuine feelings for her. The day we had a 3sum I could see the chemistry between them. It was not just a casual fling. They had a connection. After the 3sum over the chat app Noodle told me he had feelings for her. This was very close to the birth of the baby. While you were in hospital just after you have the baby, Noodle invited #IBD4U to your house & they had sex at your house. This was definitely not a casual thing hey?” Oh Sweet baby cheeses! OMG. OMG. OMG. I don’t even know what to do. I see his partners reply Thanks. To be honest I don’t care. Our relationship is so strong now. We have amazing sex all the time & we r so happy planning our wedding” Fuck. I know that is a stab for me… As if he’s going to marry her now? After 12 years… FUCK.

Sweetie sends me a few more screenshots & Noodle’s partner & her get a little heated. So much so that Noodle’s partner gives Sweetie my fucking address as a ‘warning’ to me & that she’ll be around soon… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… She tells sweetie “We have been through too much in 12 years to give it up over a stupid skank who lives alone with her cat. If she dies it will eat her face off, sad & alone till u find her body” Oh good god… Is she kidding me?! Hahaha. Why has he told her I have a cat?! Noodle’s partner keeps calling me by the fake name that Sweetie says, that’s not her name. She talks about egging my house & that she wants my chat app account to talk to me. OMG, this has gotten out of hand! She tells Sweetie “By the way I find that there is a flaw in ur story. Noodle was with me all the time once I had baby” Errr, no he wasn’t!

OMG OMG OMG OMG…. What makes it worse is when Sweetie shows me screenshots between her & Noodle, where he thinks I am behind this latest drama… OH FUCK. I don’t want him to think I am behind this, no wonder his message about the STI is so snappy. Though he does say that he can see I’ve moved on, obviously because of my posts on the anonymous app. Maybe he does realise that I had nothing to do with this?

I go to my friends house, who was been going through some pretty tough shit herself, that in the 10 years we’ve known each other, we’ve never cried in front of each other until this time in our lives. She says that I put it out in the universe that I wanted Noodle’s partner to know the truth, that I basically brought this on myself. I mean I know I wanted her to know, but it’s been months & yeah I did put it out there a lot that I wanted her to know the truth, I just didn’t think this would happen!

Okay, I call my Doctor & get an emergency appointment, he squeezes me in to get an STI test. I am also supposed to see Crows tonight, so I message him & tell him the story & say probably best we don’t fuck till we’ve both been tested. Crows agrees & makes an appointment himself. As if this guy is going to stick around after this… I’m surprised he’s still talking to me at the moment anyway! This is the first time I’ve had a real STI scare… I have been tested a lot over the years, of course, always cautious using condoms etc. but this is the first time I have had someone say that they may have given me something. I tell Sweetie for her & Max to get tested too but she just recently had a test when she had a hysterectomy. She is clean & so is Max… Maybe I don’t have anything. I mean I was vaccinated against HPV before I was 25 when the vaccine first came out. Please god, don’t let me have a fucking STI at age 37.

I decide not to reply to Noodle until I have my test results. I refuse to write to him until I know that I am 100% sure I didn’t give them anything. Crows went to the Doctor before me, that he’ll get his results before me & at least that should tell me something. Crows & I have always used condoms though. FUCK. Crows also tells me that he’s spoken with Noodle’s partner post this confession from Sweetie & that Noodle & her have deleted their chat app accounts. That they are not going to swing or be open, they are closing their relationship completely. I check the chat app & both their accounts are deleted. I breathe a sigh of relief that this is over for me. Please let this be over for me!

Now the worst part about taking an STI test is waiting for the bloody results!


Middle Aged Backpacker

While I was seeing Noodle, I made lots of friends on the chat app. There was a chick on there that I became good friends with. I had met her face to face at a meetup for the group one night a while ago, the infamous night that I kissed T-bone, but she & Shark had left early to go to another party with some other people. A few months before it ended with Noodle, she asked me if I would be interested in a 3sum with her & her friends with benefits as a birthday present surprise for him – let’s call him backpacker – mainly because he looks, acts & sounded like a middle aged backpacker. I said I was flattered but that I was kind of seeing someone & didn’t want to jeopardise what I had with him. She was ok with that & said she was happy for me. Not a surprise but I never told Noodle about it because I knew that he would just get jealous or say something hurtful to guard his feelings like ‘do whatever you want.’ I never lied to Noodle, I just omitted the truth sometimes because I knew how he’d react.

A few weeks after I stopped talking to Noodle, right after his partner found my underwear & Noodle tells me they are in an open relationship. So this was a little while ago, I forgot about this story, but you know what, every story I tell you leads me to where I am today, writing this almost 18 months after it happened… So it’ll all make sense one day why I do the things I do… Or maybe you’ll just be as confused as me as to why I do the things I do, but if you do know why I am like I am, please get in touch! Hahaha.

Anyway I message this friend & ask if she is still looking for a third, that I would be interested, she said yes, even though his birthday long ago – they were still keen to play with another woman. What a surprise, it’s every mans dream. Ironically though, Noodle told me after his 3sum with Sweetie & I, that it’s really hard work & he didn’t enjoy it as much as he thought he would because it was tiring trying to please 2 ladies at once. I always wanted 2 men, but I wonder if I would feel the same?

I meet them at Backpacker’s house, I take 3 beers because I don’t want to stay & I need to drive later. Also because I am in a kink chat group with her, she has asked me to bring a few toys with me, I don’t really know what to pack so I pack a flogger, a paddle & some wrist ties – I’ve never really been the teacher of kink. I mean I had to top from the bottom a little bit with Noodle sometimes when we used toys & things but he was naturally a dominant guy, he just didn’t know about the kink stuff, which lets face it neither did I, even though he thinks I’m the most kinky person in the world, I am totally not even that kinky at all…

I get to Backpacker’s house & we all sit chatting, I chat easily to my friend & like a fucktard with no filter, I spill the beans about the entire relationship to her, she knew some of it obviously being she was in the group with us but not all of the nitty gritty, I obviously was discreet about most of it because I knew they were on the chat app too. But now that it’s not in writing, able to be screenshotted, I went into a bit of detail with both of them, how in love I was (am!) with Noodle, the phone tracking partner, the way she found out – finding my undies. (Remember that this story was before Noodle’s partner tried the pill overdose.)

They sit there & listen, she asks a lot of questions. I am barely holding it together & am even wondering if I can go through this. The break up is still raw & I am holding out hope that Noodle will come back to me, I am hoping & praying for that. I think it’s only been a month but we’ve talked again since he stopped talking to me.

Backpacker shares a bit of a story about how he never wants to be in a relationship with another woman again as he has some legal proceedings going on with his past girlfriend who sent text messages to herself from his phone while he was asleep… Ok so I have some crazy thoughts sometimes, like about going to Noodle’s home or work to tell his partner everything, but I mean I never do any of this shit… How am I still single when this woman is texting herself from her partners phone while he’s asleep to set him up – to make him seem abusive? Or Noodle’s partner tracking his phone? How the fuck am I single?! I can’t even comprehend how these women get men & I have been single most of my life, struggling to get a guy to even go on a second date with me.

Anyway I talk the whole fucking night about Noodle, that it gets late when she asks if they can bring the mattress out to the lounge room, that they usually bring it out to the lounge room when his roommate isn’t home. I agree. They ask what toys I brought & I show them, neither have used a flogger or paddle so I use it on both of them, taking it in turns. He seems to like being hit a lot & she enjoys it too. They then try out on me, not taking it too far. We all take it in turns & then then end up just sitting on the mattress talking about kink, not about Noodle & past fucked up relationships this time. I realise that I am not in the frame of mind to have a 3sum with these two, well it’s not about them, it’s about any one right now. I shouldn’t be fucking any one right now. I am too distraught to be doing anything, this was a bad idea & I feel terrible for giving them hope, but I make my excuses & leave.

A few months later, post the pill overdose, I am trolling online for god knows what, filling a void of losing the daily chat to my best friend, filling a void of having amazing sex with my best friend. When I match with someone, I don’t recognise him at first but when I do, I ask him if he is the middle aged backpacker. He is… I ask if he’s still with my friend & he says they aren’t exclusive but yeah he still sees her. I tell him that I am not interested in getting involved with him but he keeps trying to get me to catch up with him without her.

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One night after a couple of drinks, he is messaging me to come to his place to see him – he says that he hasn’t had sex in a few months, but I tell him again that I am not going to let him come between him & my friend. Not only do I not want to meet him without her knowing, but I also have seen in the last few months how quickly things got back to me with Noodle that I know that I am not going to take that risk either. That’s when he gets nasty, telling me that it I am missing out on an opportunity (even though he’s the one that hasn’t had sex in months?!), that he’s really good & even though he didn’t call me names, there was some real bitterness to his messages. I delete him after that. I mean why would I even go there after that display of whatever it was. Because I’m not willing to compromise my friendship, I am not even worthy of his conversation? I said that we could see her together, but I wouldn’t see him without her.

She had moved on to a new guy & so now he has no one at all. I see him every now & then when I have been on dating sites & he has been on there. As always I ignore any advances from him! I mean really… What a nasty piece of work!



So with wine going down well one night, I am feeling a bit frisky again, or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to be alone when my friend goes home. My friend is telling me to post on the anonymous app & pick up a guy. I haven’t seen Noodle on there for a while & he’ll be offline right now probably fucking his partner in some kinky sex swing! OMG I need to stop thinking about whatever the fuck they are doing!

I post that I am looking for a one night hook up & my friend & I chat to some random men, I get a few pictures & finally find one that I think will be good for the night – exactly what I need, remember the song from Hip Hop. I just need someone to fill the void!

This guy comes over, again he is younger than me, probably just outside my 10 year age bracket, but at this point, I am not even caring. He’s cute, a little bit taller than me. I am a little bit drunk when he rocks up at my house. I remember to delete the post from the app so that Noodle doesn’t see it. I don’t want to accidentally talk to him. I am always so conscious when I use this app to make sure that I am not talking to Noodle.

We end up in my bedroom, we are kissing & it’s good kissing, I like this guy, he smells good, he’s doing all the right things, I am underneath him & he is on top of me when he tries to choke me, I push his hand away saying no. I mean you all know I like a little choking, but there is no way I’m allowing this stranger to even lightly choke me. I don’t know him, I don’t trust him, I am not allowing this to happen. He stops which is good, not that I didn’t think he would, but then he looks at me & says “You’re a good little slut, aren’t you” Now this normally wouldn’t affect me so much or probably at all, I had gotten used to these fun games with Dom & Noodle – fuck I loved it when Noodle called me “His slut” I was his slut, I am not this guys slut. I hate that he just called me that.. WTF. I don’t know what is happening, as he flips me over & starts doing me from behind, I start crying… OMFG!!! This has never happened to be before & this is fucking weird! WHY THE FUCK AM I CRYING… I try to hide it but he asks if I am ok, I say yes & that he should just finish. He stops & lays down next to me. He asks again if I am ok, I mean clearly I am not. What the fuck has happened to me… Remember back at the beginning of this blog when I couldn’t cry & my friends made me watch soldiers coming home videos on YouTube but I still couldn’t cry… Now I’m fucking crying at the drop of a hat… What the fuck is wrong with me?!

He lays down next to me & spoons me as I try to control myself, feeling so embarrassed, which isn’t something that happens to me much – I don’t get embarrassed easily (Clearly you all know that because I write this blog which is very personal & lots of people that I know chat to me about it. -It is what it is…) I ask him to leave a few times, but he doesn’t, he just spoons me & it makes me cry more. FUCK. I just want this guy to go because I want to fucking lay here sobbing! But I guess he doesn’t want to leave the fucking nutcase crying lady alone, who wants to be that guy? I feel like a fucking idiot. No one ever sees me cry. I hate to cry in front of people. It’s like my pet hate or like the thing I hate showing people about me that I have a weakness or something…

I compose myself enough to ask him to leave again & tell him that I am fine. I mean, I am not but I need this guy to leave. I have to control myself to get him out. He finally leaves, look I give him credit for sticking around, he didn’t cum, I didn’t cum because the waterworks started (& not the good kind of waterworks!) so I am thankful he was sensitive. However I cannot face this guy again.

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He leaves & I crumble at my front door like a fucking chick in a movie… I fall to the ground sobbing like a wanker. I cannot control the sobs. They come in bursts. I am cold & crying uncontrollably that when I finally pick myself up off the ground, I am also shaking like a leaf. I crawl into bed heaving, barely able to breathe. Why did this guy upset me so much? But it wasn’t this man, it was Noodle. I am not ready to be fucking other men, clearly – or was it because he called me something that Noodle used to call me…?

This poor sweet guy messages me a few times afterwards but I ignore him. I mean fuck, who wants to talk to the woman who bursts into tears during sex.

A year or so later, he joins my chat group & messages me again but I don’t reply. I mean fuck can’t this guy leave well alone? I mean crying during sex has to be worse than having a limp dick! I feel so bad but I just can’t face this guy again.


Hip Hop

Post Noodle, I am avoiding looking for a man online – especially on any chat apps because they are fucking on there – which kills me to know… I am shattered & hurt every time I think about them, every time I think about the fact he hasn’t written back to my email, I don’t even know if he got it! Is he even looking at that cheating email account? I am a shell of a human being… You cannot understand what this feels like as the Mistress to be so easily discarded unless you have been in my situation. I know some of you are thinking I am getting what I deserve, but you must remember – I am the single one here. I am allowed to be on chat apps & dating sites. Noodle was on them for 4 years before he met me…

I go out with a friend, who I rarely get to go out with to be honest, there is something going on at my local pub, which involves having to buy tickets – some hip hop event & then they make us line up in the street, like fucking really, my local fucking pub trying to look exclusive. It’s a local hip hop thing, so not like it’s the Hilltop hoods or anyone of notable mention. It’s fucking freezing, I wasn’t expecting to be standing outside so I didn’t bring a jacket. I have my beautiful hair extensions curled, I am skinnier than I have ever been, I look hot. I wish I felt as good as I looked. I’m wearing a black pleather skirt & white singlet, I have on some cute heels & yeah I look good but I am faking it.

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The night goes on & we drink, I drink more than I should because I am finally just out & about, we sit & chat, we dance when the act is on. It’s a really good night. I decide that I am horny (well not really but I am not wanting to remember that Noodle is probably fucking his partner since it’s a Saturday night) & need someone to fuck me tonight to get over Noodle. To forget him… To forget what we had…

I don’t think the song was out at the time, but listen to Dancing with a Stranger by Sam Smith (below is the YouTube link) fuck it is my life song… (I think I need to make a #IBD4U playlist! Hahaha) I don’t want to be alone & I am definitely not over him! It is what I am trying to do, to get over Noodle…

I suss out a lot of men that that, lets face it, my local isn’t a great place even on a normal night so there aren’t a lot of options, even at a hip hop event there are even less… Like lots of Nike air max paired with trackpants & baggy t-shirts with baseball caps… YEP! You know the look, a Hilltop Hood try hard look. My friend picks out a guy that she says has been looking at me all night, he is standing near by with his friend, so I decide to go up & strike up a conversation. He is not much taller than me, brown hair, cute face, he’s just inside my age bracket that I am willing to go – 10 years below, 10 years above. Hahaha.

I have no idea what I say to them for most of it, but I am standing there I do tell them that I want to take someone home – right now. When my friend comes up to say she’s going home, one of the guys walk away & so I look at the young guy still standing with me & ask if he wants to go home with me. He says yes. We get into a taxi & go back to my house, which I have to pay for! OMG, why don’t men have money – I don’t want to be a sugar mumma!

We fuck & yeah it’s ok, nothing to write home about (or blog about!), I mean I am just looking for a one night stand, I don’t want cuddles or anything more, this is just about sex. At least this guy can keep his dick hard. Once we’re done, I’m not really sure why but he sits on the floor next to my bed as I tell him that he has to go. He says that he has no money to catch a taxi back to the bar, which was only like $15 or something, but I tell him that I have called him a cab & he should call his friends to get them to meet him to pay for it. I call him a cab regardless even though he is begging me to stay over & says that he won’t try anything with me, he’ll just walk in the morning. I’m like, won’t try anything, we just fucked for god sake… Hahaha. But I am stubborn & I call the poor dude a taxi & make him leave. I have no idea what happens to him to be honest. If he gets in the cab or if he walks but at least I called one for him as I push him out the door… Well not quite pushed him out the door, but the taxi was there when I made him leave. He was still begging to stay.

I don’t know why I kick him out so quickly, but I am hell bent that no guy is going to sleep over! I wanted Noodle too so badly, that I don’t think I can handle waking up to anyone else – which is stupid since I never spent the night next to Noodle. I don’t really want to have one night stands either actually, but I can’t really commit to anything else. I have Crows on the regular, I don’t want to get attached to anyone, I mean I don’t even think I could get attached to anyone at this point to be honest, but this is about the emotional capacity that I have right now.

I didn’t exchange numbers with this guy, obviously you can tell why but I do see him again at the same pub a few weeks later. He notices me but never comes to talk to me, I mean would you talk to the bitch that kicked you out when you had no money & shoved you in a taxi anyway?


Speed Dating #3

I decide that I am ready for something, post Noodle. Bahaha… What a stupid thought… But I want what I had with him only better, with someone who is single, who also loves me – I’ve put it out in the universe for the checklist now, so come at me T**y – from the psychic.

My friend is single for the first time in almost 10 years, I finally have someone to go out with. We decide to go speed dating! WHY? I mean this will be the third time that I have done this, been to speed dating… But I am determined that this time will be different!

I feel really good about myself having lost 35kgs, I am looking better than when I was with Noodle – mainly because I haven’t eaten in 2 months & I’m finally fitting into a size 10 skirt so I feel like this might be my night. I may meet someone like I should have the first time I went Speed Dating. I feel more confident with my new look, I have a cute outfit on a short grey skirt, black top, black tights & black high boots with a wooden look heel. I am also very much more aware about the fact that I am actually loveable, I am in an amazing place in my life (besides the lack of my love life) but otherwise I have a great job that I love, I am have a home that I am upgrading & love, I also have just secured an investment property (with the help of my parents). I am a strong career woman who is also studying law & is educated… I shouldn’t let the fact that Noodle & every other single guy on the planet gets scared about these facts. There has to be a guy out there that is strong enough to be with me.

The speed dating night starts off with my friend & I having a drink at the bar prior, sussing out the people who are coming & going. We then have to stupidly wait until the 2nd break for the free wine & food – I needed another wine to start this shit. I assumed they would give it to us right away, well a wine at least!

We have our first few dates & I feel quite good about the night. I am not really finding anyone that attractive at first sight. I know that sometimes it takes time. With Noodle, I always found him attractive but the more I fell for him, the more I found him the sexiest thing alive!

The table I am at is very wonky & at least 2 of them when they sit down spill their drinks on me, like actually on me! Fucking hell… I assume it is nerves that make them spill their drinks as they sit down. They both seem very flustered about it & I find it quite funny – I mean what else can I say… I feel a bit sorry for them, but try to have a good night.

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Every guy is a lot older than me mainly because of the age bracket my friend & I are in, she’s a little older so we went with the older group. I am not really feeling the chemistry with anyone except one guy, he’s cute & funny, that he sort of reminds me of a few guys I have liked in the past, all rolled into one. But I’ve had a few wines at this point & I have no idea what I say to him on the speed date – in fact I don’t remember much from any of the speed dates, but that could just be selective memory.

I find a way to talk to this guy at the end of the night too & I think that when we talk that we have some chemistry, we stand in the hallway talking for a while & he seems interested. I hope that we’ve ticked yes to each other on our cards.

My friend calls me to go downstairs with her, I say I’ll be back but then we leave & I never get to actually say good bye to him. I hope & pray that we both ticked yes to each other then I will get to talk to him again & potentially date this guy, He’s the first guy I’ve felt any sort of spark with since Noodle (I know that’s only been a couple of months & I never thought I’d have a spark or chemistry with anyone ever again, so the fact that I felt a little something with this guy is monumental for me!)

The next day I get the matches a few people message but I am not interested in any. The company actually stuff it up & give out the wrong details to people. People I didn’t tick yes to, are in my match list? WTF. The same thing happens to my friend, so then I get a bunch of messages from guys I don’t even remember, they really should use pictures on the cards.

I message the spark guy because we match, but I’m unsure if that was a mistake of the company or not… Obviously a mistake because I get nothing back at all from him. I am deflated. Another dude messages me, I must’ve told him about the blog because he says with the mix up of numbers, there might be a blog in that. He also says “Would you like to catch up for a coffee/drink? I imagine you’ll have lots of offers as you were really entertaining to chat with!” WOW, am I entertaining? Why didn’t I like this guy? I tell another one that I am keen to meet him, he takes days to reply & says something about catching up then he says have a great weekend & I never hear from him again… I tell another one that the company stuffed up my matches & who was he (because I can’t place this guy) He says “I spilled some of my drink on myself & on the table! You said I didn’t get any on you though” Oh fuck… Why is always the ones you don’t want that want you, but the ones you do don’t want you?

So I just leave it with all of them. I knew that I am not ready to date or to meet new people. I hate online dating & I hate speed dating. Why do I keep going? This is the third fucking time I’ve been. Oh yeah, because I do know a couple that met at speed dating right after I was with Boyfriend, like 12 years ago! Why does everyone else get a fairy tale & I am still single…



I met this guy Pear online, he’s a little bit older than me & not entirely the type I like the look of, but I figured that my type isn’t going that well, so I should branch out. We chat for a bit & I tell him how I’ve been hanging at the beach a lot, he says he lives by the beach & he should bring me down a cheeky cider, we sort of arrange that we’ll catch up on Christmas eve on the beach, but we also don’t set anything in stone.

On the morning of Christmas eve he messages & asks what my plans are for the day, I say that I am in bed but am considering meeting this guy for a cheeky cider at the beach. (I’m trying to be cute here…) He says something like ‘oh have fun’ & that’s it, really? Does he think I’m talking about someone else? Get a sense of humor dude!

I delay writing back because I think he doesn’t get me & so I search for something else to do because I am so alone & thinking heavily about Noodle, so I think fuck it. I message back Pear & ask him when he’s free, he says he’s free now, so I say give me 30 minutes & I’ll be there. I rub sunscreen on (thinking I’ll get him to do my back, might be kinda fun – everyone says to be tactile on a date) & put on my bikini & shorts, then head out the door. I ask him if he wants a chair & my umbrella & he says yes.

I see him as I’m parking, he is sitting at the table with nothing but a small 6 pack cooler bag, obviously the ciders. I get out my bag, the 2 chairs & the umbrella & walk over to him, he pretends not to see me until I’m basically standing on top of him, he gets up we kiss hello & hug, then we introduce ourselves. Hahaha. I did say I wasn’t sure if we knew each others names. Apparently I’m now even so open to dating people I don’t even know their names. WTF.

We head down to the sand, he doesn’t offer to carry anything that I have, yes I’m carrying my bag, 2 chairs (1 for him) & an umbrella – he has a 6 pack esky. We walk to the sand & set up camp. He at least sets up the umbrella by digging it into the sand. We sit & chat fairly easily. He offers me an apple or pear cider, so I ask for apple, but then I realise he’s brought Somersby ciders which is fucking disgusting, but I bite my tongue & await the disgusting taste. After I ask for apple, he says ‘I only brought pear’ ok, dude, why did you offer me apple? He profusely apologises saying he can run home & get one, but I say don’t worry. At least the pear Somersby isn’t as sweet as the apple.

I ask what kind of music he listens too, he says Fresh FM which is what I listen to too, so I put a mix on spotify & we just sit there chatting. The conversation kinda dies off & I end up just sunbaking but get so hot, that I say I’m going in the water. He says he’ll join me & for the first time in my life with someone I took off my singlet & wore just my bikini top & shorts into the water. Eek! I’m getting more confident! We swim for a bit, or basically just float around. I didn’t have a hair tie & didn’t want to get my hair wet because its very curly & will look like a mop. But I get drenched after a few bigger waves get me.

We get out & lay on the beach, he gets himself another drink but doesn’t offer me one. Maybe the whole pear/apple debacle put him off asking me. I lay down in the sun & almost fall asleep since we’re not talking & he’s not trying so I can’t be bothered. I fake that I have to be at a friends at 7:00 pm so I ask what the time is. It’s just after 6:00 pm so I think that works well. I don’t know how else to leave. I start getting dressed & pack up my stuff, he at least carries his chair back to the car for me (I’m not sure why that bothers me, I mean I can carry it all, but that’s not the point! I want a gentleman.)

We hug & kiss on the cheek goodbye but I don’t say anything about catching up again, I’m not sure I am keen anyway. I thought about Noodle a lot (I can’t believe how much I am thinking about him – he did the unforgivable to me.) & I almost fell asleep o the beach, I mean, that can’t be a good sign.Pear bleed heal the hurt.pngIt’s a 6 minute drive from the beach to my house, & I walk in the door to a message from him saying that he’s sorry he didn’t bring apple cider & that if there’s a next time he’ll bring apple & not to hate him. I don’t reply. I get a merry Christmas on Christmas day too, I don’t reply. I get another message the next day, I don’t know what to say. I always hated men playing the “chemistry” card with me, but since I have experienced that crazy crackling chemistry with someone, I don’t want anything less. I have been single so long because I won’t settle & now I have another element I won’t settle for. I want passion, fireworks & ‘can’t keep your hands off each other’ love.

I mean, I also didn’t ask him to put cream on my back, does that mean I would prefer to get sunburn than have Pear’s hands on me?

He messages me every day but I ignore for a while, until I’m at the beach with a friend & I tell him to come on down – mainly because I think she will be more suited to him, I tell her this & she tells me to invite him along. It takes him like 5 hours to reply but he responds saying he can’t see my umbrella. I’m like dude, we’re home already! He asks if I’m trying to palm him off to my friend, but gives me his phone number, so I have to be honest, I tell him that I didn’t feel the chemistry, he deletes me…

Another one bites the dust!