Noodle #52

I torture myself all week over thinking every thing I said or did, not sleeping or eating because I have hurt Noodle. I know he’s hurt me & you all think I’m stupid at this point, but I never wanted to hurt him – I never wanted to upset him, I don’t want him to think I have betrayed him… Again I know it’s stupid but I can’t help how I feel about this & him! I am in agony over what he’s done to me but I’m in more agony about hurting him… It’s not tit for tat. It wasn’t my intention.

I haven’t slept, so I draft him an email. Again I pour my heart out, telling him that I couldn’t keep away but maybe we shouldn’t chat on the chat app but via email. I tell him that I am sorry for telling his friend anything about him, but I explain that she’s been good for me. She told me things he’d said about me, which helped me because everyone around me is saying that Noodle didn’t love me,he was using me to boost his ego. He had talked to her & she didn’t know officially who I was until we ended, but he told her that he was in love with someone & wanted to leave his partner for me but just didn’t know how too.

I tell him that I don’t think he actually realises the depths of my feelings for him & how much I wanted him & his kids in my life. How much I thought about that… I explain that all the things he used against me as a reason not to be with me, about how clean my house is, how messy he is, but I was ready for my life to be turned upside down with him, I mean it already had been turned on it’s head!

I had at one point ages ago, told Noodle that I wouldn’t ever live with a guy again, that I would make him have his own house & we’d come together when we wanted… I explain in the email that yes I did once think that but I was so excited about the fact that Noodle was potentially going to be living with me one day! Even the mundane shit of “washing your clothes (then fucking on the washing machine), you playing video games (me sucking your cock when I got sick of it, hehehe), I even thought how you could park your car in the carport every night & I’d park on the street cos my car is a work car…” Wow I really thought about a lot of boring crap, as well as the kinky stuff!

I end the email “I want you to know that the only reason I am trying to cut so much contact with you, is not because I don’t love you or want to talk to you or don’t want you as my friend, but because I can’t keep telling you how much I love you or how I can help you to have a life with no lies which includes your kids…” It’s true, I can’t keep telling him how much I want him for him to have some excuse for why he doesn’t believe me thrown at me.

I check my emails daily & the junk box for a reply from him but nothing! FUCK… I guess one good thing, is that I am going to the gym like a maniac & not eating so I am losing a lot of weight! I draft another email to Noodle a few days later when I can’t sleep again, I can’t stop thinking about him. I say that either he hasn’t seen my email or decided not to reply. Well done him for being so strong, I wish I was. I used to think I was the stubborn one… But maybe I’m not! I don’t know why but I talk about really mundane things like me getting the hair extensions, that I have finished uni for the semester, that I am going to Coober Pedy for work this week, that I have been away for a funeral, also that I got the biggest whinger award at the gym awards night. But afterall, he is my best friend.

I tell him that his friend from the chat app asked about him last night & I said that I hadn’t heard from him. I ask him to talk to her because at least she knows the situation, even if he won’t talk to me, maybe she can help him.

I go to Coober Pedy for work & because a colleague got me so freaked out about going out when it’s dark that I basically finished work, went for a run then sat in my room, fucking bored out of my brains, thinking so much about the life I almost had! I end up breaking down in Coober Pedy & cry like a wanker, like uncontrollable, puffy eyes, unable to breathe crying. The type of crying, I NEVER do… The type of crying that you feel all over.

When I get a moment of clarity, I draft Noodle a final email a few days later, saying that it’s now been 2 weeks since I go the ‘k’ message from him. I haven’t tried to contact him on the chat app, just via email. I tell him that I knew this would be harder for me to let go of him that the other way around, I mean he has a family so isn’t alone like I am. I tell him that I will stop being clingy & that I truly hope that he has the life not that we dreamt we could’ve had together.

The morning I wake up on the couch with Max, my phone is going off… When I finally get to look at it, I know before I see it that it’s Noodle. “Because I’m a stubborn cunt refuse to message you cos of the way you pretty much said goodbye. Then I check my emails today (which I don’t do often cos it’s a secret account) & you’ve emailed me twice!! After fucking with me on the anonymous app & the chat app too. Man I feel like a dick for not checking my emails. You’ve been unlocked on the chat app the whole fucking time just so you know. I assume you not wanna talk to me & your super strong & not needy, but fuck I get you wrong sometimes.” FUCK. He also emails me telling me that he didn’t want to look like an idiot messaging me when I said good bye like I had. I mean really. I am glad that he is finally talking to me. I tell him that we really need to think about what we say to each other, so that’s why I emailed, I had time to think about what I wanted to say without having a little dig at him or him saying something shit to me. But the comment about me fucking with him on the apps yesterday? I mean what does he even mean!? “Yeah, even tho I said a whole heap of shit to you yesterday without knowing it’s you” What the fuck is he talking about? I ask that, he says “Your telling me you don’t have a 2nd chat app account?” WHAT?! I ask what the fuck he is talking about. “Ok well talking to a chick that seems to relate to our story a little too well…” He says that maybe it’s someone else I know. I don’t think anyone would do that. But I also I don’t think our story is uncommon. “I’m sure I’m not the only woman to be hurt by a married man.” He says this chick tried to get his partner to join the chat app groups – if he thought it was me, why would he give out her chat app account to me? If I was going to mess with her, I would do it as me! I wouldn’t get someone to do my dirty work nor would I use a fake account! He sends me a screenshot of the conversation, it’s all in text speak. I’m sure he should know I wouldn’t do that. Also he met her on the anonymous app which would be hard for anyone I know to work out who is who – I can usually tell when it’s Noodle.

He says “It was fucking odd. Didn’t think you would do it either so was like wtf. But it all points to you…” I tell him that I was out house hunting yesterday (for my investment property) so I wasn’t on the chat app, then he says “I chatted to you on the anonymous app yesterday the same time I was chatting to her too. Had time to chat on the anonymous app. I’m not stupid. lol” WHAT THE FUCK? So he was catfishing me on the app & now is blaming me for catfishing him & his partner… OMG! I feel like I am in high school!!! How dare he accuse me of doing it, when he’s doing it to me. He tells me that he also saw me on tinder & freaked out a bit, swiping no to me quickly.

Noodle stay in my heart but not my life

He realises that I have emailed him 3 times, not twice but one went to his junk (Why does that happen?!) which was the final goodbye one, which he says “FFS your annoying” I ask why “Cos I’ll only appear desperate & loser for so long before I give up altogether. I tried all fucking day. & You were like Nup. This is it. Goodbye for now.” Well it needed to be then he snapped about me talmng to his friend.

He says “I block you but stupidly unblock you everyday I get to work. For the last fucking 2 weeks too. So felt pretty dumb when I checked my email.” I feel pretty dumb too now that I never tried to contact him on the chat app, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to be ignored or have her find it either. I mean she has access to his phone all the time but he didn’t tell her where we really met, so she doesn’t know he was already on the chat app for 5 years prior to them joining with matching fucking user names.

He once even told me that she was too scared to have morning sex with him because he was too rough & now she’s asking him to choke her? I tell him that his partner must’ve read some of our messages or something because no one just changes that quickly! He says that she didn’t. Says that she knows nothing, she didn’t want an open relationship but he kind of encouraged it. She told him that she wouldn’t fuck anyone, then didn’t realise how much attention she’d get & so she did. He tells me that he doesn’t want to talk about his sex life with her, he just says that’s she more open sexually & doesn’t want to elaborate.

He says about me though “If you fuck someone every week. Message them every spare moment. & have long ass convos too. Your gonna fall in love with them. & I feel so dumb for letting it go so far & hurting you. I never ever neverrrrrrrr wanted to hurt you. Assumed I would always be fun. & I was the stupid fool falling for you. I fell way earlier than I let on. I was romantically interested in you by the 3rd fuck. Feelings within 2 months of sex. But the sex was so good. But you made it clear. You & your fake toughness. In the end your just a girly girl. With an actual heart.” I tell him that I got feelings for him pretty early on too, which is why I stopped fucking other people. He says “No way, Really? I just assumed cos guys were dicks” Again something else Noodle doesn’t believe me on… I mean when will this guy ever believe me?

He asks what I’ve done since him, I tell him minor details, he tells me that he hasn’t fucked anyone that he hasn’t been able to get anyone & I am a smug bitch, thinking sucked in. He says that he’s jealous of all the attention she’s getting & she’s sucked more than one cock since finding out about me. He says he gets offers on the chat app all the time, but really how many people would actually go through with it? I mean I got offers all the time too, but I had lots of guys fuck me around when you actually tried to set up the date, so I’m assuming that would happen with him for women too.

I ask if he’s talked to his friend from the chat app & he says that he has but has been blocking her when he gets home in case his partner wants to look at his chats. He tells me that within 20 minutes of joining groups on the chat app, I had text him – yeah of course dude, people told me he was back on there & was ignoring me & my texts. He asks who told me & starts cracking the shits when I won’t tell him. he acts like a child, saying “protect them obviously they mean more to you than me.” So I fucking cave & tell him, but reading back on this blog, I really wish I didn’t fucking say anything! He was a asshole to me & didn’t deserve to know who told me what. He says that he thinks he’s entitled to know who is talking about him, yet I’m certain his partner is talking about me & I don’t know it…

He tells me that his partner has already made a good friend on the chat app, who she has fucked & he is hoping that he’ll be able to see me again. Could I even do that? I did say that he should’ve swiped me on Tinder & met me with this open relationship thing. He says that I’d be stupid to fuck him again but he says “I would fuck you in a heartbeat if I could.” I tell him that we could pretend to be strangers, he’s told her my name is something else, he’s told her my real job but she also doesn’t know what I look like, so we could totally pull this off. We could legitimately see each other again. I miss the chemistry, it wouldn’t be a secret – would it be as hot? It wouldn’t be what I totally want, but at least it would be something. He asks if I would consider that & fuck I would… Why?! I’m so stupid!

The next morning at about 5:30 am I get a message from him says “Even my partner thinks it’s you.” I am finally sleeping & so don’t get it till later. Not this old chestnut. Like fuck, does this guy not know me at all? He sends me another screenshot of stuff this chick said & yeah look I can see why he might think it’s me, but he’s an asshole for thinking it’s me & why would he give out his partners chat name if he thought it was me? I tell him again, it’s not me & that our story is not uncommon, I mean since writing this blog, I have had so many women tell me that they have had a similar experience to my Noodle story. It’s also not uncommon for the man to choose the wife over the mistress, I think he’s just freaking out. I mean it’s an anonymous app, he told me he always knew it was me when I was on there so wouldn’t he already know it wasn’t me!? I try to get off this topic because what the fuck does this guy think of me really.

I tell him about the fact I’m house hunting & he calls me a rich bitch. I show him pictures of the hair extensions & he says they look amazing. He askes me if I’ve fucked 50 people already, because I look so good. He tells me that it’s his favourite picture of me, that I look so good without makeup. I tell him that I always put in effort when I saw him, putting on makeup & doing my hair. He says that he always did his hair & wore aftershave when he saw me too.

We talk about what we could do if we became friends with benefits. I know that I am just suggesting this stuff because I know if I can get Noodle alone with some more quality time, that I can show him what life would be like with me. He says that it scares him to fuck me again “I literally messaged you every spare second I had, saw you every moment I could cheat. I was madly in love with you. I’m scared that would happen again if I fucked you. Got insanely jealous that others wanted you, that you wanted to fuck others on the chat app. That shit ain’t healthy.” He tells me how pissed he was when I met Shark, how pissed he was that Holden wanted me too. I tell him that it’s not over for me, that I see a solution & we could use it, I even try to entice him by telling him that I want to wear the nurse costume he got me for Christmas.

He says “Just so you know, I’m not a good person. I struggle with empathy. I never cried or felt bad that I cheated on my partner. Or guilty. It’s kinda fucked up” This I already knew, I guess. The fact that he cheated for a fucking year & then treated me so badly, I know he isn’t a good person. I tell him that I never actually felt guilty either to be honest. I mean I wasn’t cheating, but I should’ve felt a little bad about fucking in her bed or at their house. But I never did. He tells me that she thinks he’s a psychopath… Why would someone stay with something they think is a psychopath? I say that I don’t think I could stay with him if he showed no remorse if he cheated on me, he says “I felt bad, but it didn’t upset me. I was more sad that I’d never see you again when it happened.” Awww, that is a little cute, but messed up!

We are back to chatting every day all day when he is at work. This is not good, but I am like an addict, can’t I just have one last hit & walk away? I wish I could, I am a strong, smart woman. Why can’t I walk away from this?

The next day I wake up at 7:15 am to a message from Noodle sent at 6:50 am. “Hey, can you leave some keys out. Everything has finally ended.” I sit bolt upright in bed… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

#IBD4U

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