Noodle #53

I write back “what?” Because I have no idea what the fuck is going on? I’m still asleep, am I dreaming? Is this a joke? Noodle wouldn’t joke about this… What the fuck is happening? I don’t get a reply as I am walking out the door for work so I send “I’m about to leave for work I am not leaving keys out to feel like a fool if you don’t end up using them…” (Even though I slip the keys under the mat.) I just have this feeling, that it’s not over. But what the fuck has happened? My heart is pounding in my chest…

I have been looking at my phone non stop for the last 45 minutes, trying to work out what the fuck is happening. Finally it beeps… “I’m leaving her for you. It’s over trust me. Having a fight, she wants me to take the kids.” Does he mean he doesn’t want to have the kids? “You can take the kids to my house you know…” He asks me what he should do. I can’t help but be a little excited but scared about this. Am I going to get what I want?! “If it’s over & she wants you to take the kids, then take them… You’re going to have this same fight forever if you stay.” He tells me that he’s dressing the kids now. I ask him if he wants me to stay home & he says “If you could please” I know that he wouldn’t ask me if he didn’t really need me… He’s not the type to show a vulnerable side. I turn around & go home, taking the day off work. Fuck he is going to be so messed up about this & while he says it’s over, I know it’s not…

“Fake sake she’s being a manipulative cunt about it. Gonna have to ring the cops I think. She told me to take the kids now she’s saying I’ll get done for kidnapping. She says I have to go to my parents with the kids. She knows I’m going to yours.” He tells me this is shit but he’s on his way, he just left. I tell him that I did leave my key out like a loser – so he knows, but I also ask him to turn off his location. He says “Haha it’s off trust me. That caused an argument. She’s threatening to kill herself now” I tell him to call the police to get her help but he rocks up at my house. He walks in & I haven’t seen this man in months. He walks in holding the baby who’s about 4 months old at this point & his son, who decides he won’t come in my house. I don’t blame the poor bugger, I mean he’s just witnessed god knows what at home & now he’s at a strangers house. Noodle hands me the baby & goes back outside to get his son to come in. It’s cold outside in June & I’ve got the heater on. Noodle gives me a peck on the lips & looks at his phone which is just buzzing with her name. He rejects the call & sets his son up with his iPad & a snack. I show his son where my toys for my nieces & nephews are, so that he might want to play with that stuff. Noodle is surpised by the the fact I have kids toys. I laugh, I never had kids like he thinks I do.

Fuck this day is going to be tough. I know it’s not over, they’ve just had a fight, that’s all… Once he goes home to drop off the kids, he’ll have to see her. She’ll beg him to stay & I just have a feeling this isn’t our time. But I am going to try & enjoy this for now, I have him here in my house. I have his kids at my house. Maybe they should all stay here tonight?

He constantly messages her all day, he barely ever puts down his phone. I get it, he’s been with this woman for over 10 years but here I am siting next to his son, with his baby on my lap while he does what he should’ve done at home. Talk to her about breaking up properly, ending it before coming to my house. I feel so used right now. He paces around my house & comes to get the baby when she cries for milk (Fuck. Watching him be a dad makes me fall in love with him a bit more, if that’s even possible!), I end up with the baby again & she falls asleep on me. He sits next to me finally & we hold hands. We talk a bit throughout the day but like I said he’s constantly texting her. He tells me she’s offering a 3sum with me, she’s also offering for him to see me as a polyamorous type relationship. I have nothing against people who are poly, however, there is no way that I am going to be in a poly relationship with a man who has a crazy 1st wife. She is being so irrational & I get it, I mean in my final moments with Noodle the first time, I was begging him to stay then telling him he’s an idiot. I understand she’s doing the same. But I hate that he’s come here when it is truly not over with her…

I, of course, ask what the fuck happened & he says that he forgot to block the friend on the chat app that he talks too & his partner got up to feed the baby in the morning & went through his phone & found everything. He says that he’d been chatting to her about how much he loves me & that he’s not over me, that he’s still talking to me & that he wants to see me again… She read all these messages, after having being told that he wasn’t in love with me, so she apparently woke him up with a punch in the face at 4:00 am. What the actual fuck. I say to him that he needs to go to the police but he refuses. I say “If you had punched her, do you know where you’d be right now?” but all he says is “I did cheat” like that makes it ok that this woman has previously used mirror shards & knives to try to stab him & now has punched him awake… I can’t even imagine what that is like for him. I hate that I don’t push him to go to the police or to get legal aid, like I said we would.

Noodle stops texting her so much, ignoring her calls that come every 3 minutes & looks at me & says “I love you” & I look at him into his eyes & say “I love you” we both smile but there is a sad look in his eyes. But he says “That’s the first time we’ve said that out loud, you know” I think it’s super cute that he knows that. I mean I know it’s the first time we’ve uttered those words in real life, but I didn’t think this douche guy realised that, nor did I think he’d say it. We link fingers & we sit there until he starts messaging her again, he leans forward, I think so I can’t see the messages. I slip my hand up his shirt & rub his back. I want him to know I am there for him, but I am feeling so stupid sitting here with his baby asleep in my arms. I am also having thoughts that I will be able to fuck this man all night tonight, which I am desperate to do now, but I think that his son will be a bit clingy if we went to my room, as he’s sitting so close to Noodle while playing on his iPad. But man I want to have sex with him & remind him what he has with me. Am I going to get everything I want today? Is it even possible? I mean Noodle keeps relaying some messages that she’s writing, she’s threatening to kill herself a few times & he just rolls his eyes. He paces a lot, I’m assuming that’s stress. He even asks me about the people I’ve fucked since him, I mean this isn’t a healthy conversation. I just want him to calm down.

He tells me that she’s begging him to bring the kids home, which he decides he wants to do. As he’s standing at my door, he says that he has stuff of his in the car. I don’t think he’s going to leave it here. I mean he’s so back & forth all day, he’s not moving in here like I really want him too… But he goes out to the car & brings in 4 shopping bags of stuff & says he doesn’t know where to put them – he doesn’t want to mess up my house. I say just in my room, he gets a couple of other things out of the car before he puts his daughter in the car then comes in to kiss me goodbye. He says “I’ll see you later on.” I watch him driving away & it hits me that I will never see him again!

I know that I won’t hear from him while he’s dropping the kids off & wait for him to tell me he’s on his way back. I dash around washing my long hair so he can see it, it’s up in a pony tail & was dirty, so I race to wash my hair & I am aware of not cleaning up the toys & maccas bag that Noodle had delivered because I don’t want him to think I am too clean. I do however find his 4 shopping bags in my spare room inside the door, I pick up each one & work out that 2 are clothes & 2 are full of computer stuff, so I put the bags of clothes in my bedroom – I contemplate putting them away in draws & then I put the 2 bags of computer & gaming consoles in my lounge room ready for him to connect to my tv. I wait & wait for him to message & the longer I wait, the more I know that something has happened & he is not going to leave her… So many things go through my mind, she’s violent, has she succeeded this time in hurting him, stabbing or something? I try not to let my imagination run away with me.

“She just OD ….” OH FUCK. I knew she was going to do something, but I didn’t think she would actually go through with trying to kill herself. He says that she took the pills as he walked in the door & said he was leaving her. He even says “She did it in front of my son!!!” I tell him that that’s not ok & she needs proper help. He says “WTF do I do #IBD4U. She actual did it.” He says he called an ambulance but it’s taking a long time to get there. He’s reluctant to call her parents, but I tell him that he has too, she needs someone at the hospital if he can’t be there. He’s mega pissed off his son saw everything, which I agree is fucked up. He doesn’t want to call her parents, he says that they will kill him. Well, I mean they already know something has happened, he told me she’s close with her dad & her parents have always hated him. He is so torn in his messages, says he doesn’t want her to be alone but is really worried about his son, being that he saw everything including the ambos taking away his mum after this weird day. He’s almost 5 so he’s going to know what’s going on. I keep telling him to call her parents, it’s been an hour & he’s still at home & hasn’t called her parents to let them know their daughter has been taken to hospital with a drug overdose. I even offer to babysit his kids for him, so he can sort this shit out, but he says he doesn’t want to be a jerk to her. I am just trying to help. I offer to go there just to help out, but he says no. He says “I’ve never felt so shitty in my entire life than those 20 mins on the phone.” I tell him that she just did it for attention, knowing that it would hit home for him with his childhood trauma… It’s a cry for help & she needs it. I really hope she gets it. I tell him that if she really wanted to do it, she wouldn’t have done it as he walked in the door, she waited till then because she knew that he would save her by calling the ambulance. She had played the game during the day telling him that she was going to do it & then stopped writing messages & ringing, then would start again calling him names for not caring about her.

Noodle fire that cannot die.png

He still hasn’t called her parents but his mum just text her to ask if she’s ok, she’d also been calling his mum all day that Noodle was at my house. He says that he’s been cleaning the baby bottles & feeding the animals (they have 2 dogs, 4 cats, a rabbit & 2 ducks – that I know of.) He just keeps saying “I don’t know what to do #IBD4U. This is so fucked” I ask if he means being with her or me or what he should do? “Well I can’t stay with her but yeah she has fucked with my head.” I had a feeling she would pull a stunt. It makes me realise that even if I was with Noodle, she would always be there, always causing some sort of drama. I am never going to have the life I want with him, ever.

He finally texts her dad & tells him she’s been taken to hospital almost 2 hours ago. I tell him that’s job one & he asks what job 2 is. I say pack their stuff & I tell him to come to my house. He tells me that her parents really hate him, they called & cracked the shits – as any parent would do. I ask if he wants to go to the hospital & he says “I do, she was my partner for 11 years. I still love her.” It pangs me to hear that, but I know that he is going to stay with her. I need to make peace with that. He feels trapped & this is just another stunt to make him stay. Who wants to be the asshole that leaves the chick that just tried to kill themselves?! He tells me though she always been crazy “She once got taken to hospital for a break down with 3 cop cars…I don’t even elaborate on that, I mean I want to know what the fuck that even means but I just say “She’s not crazy, she’s got a mental illness & needs help.” I tell him to pack the kids up & drop them at mine or at his parents, but he should go to the hospital. I mean I really don’t want him too, but I think he should go. He is still unsure if he should go or not. I tell him that part of me thinks he should go but her parents might not let him see him but the other part is that I want him to come to me. He says that he feels sick. I feel sick too. I tell him to come to my house but he says all his son’s stuff is at their house & he’s not sure if she’ll come home. He takes ages to reply to I ask what is happening, he says that his parents called & so did the hospital, she’s asked to see him. He realises that he’s left the baby formula on the table at my house. I offer to drop it off, I offer to go to the hospital & sit in the car while he’s in there. Then he says it “Just so you know. I never used you… I told her I was proper leaving when she took the pills.” Fuck, he’s going to stay with her… I knew this was going to happen & he did use me…

He tells me that her dad is messaging saying she’s begging for him to go to the hospital. At this point, it’s been like 3 hours & he’s still not there… I mean doesn’t that tell her something? I tell him I feel like a fool & he says as always, that I am not a fool. He’s says he’s left his stuff at my house & wants to come back to my house too. He says “I’m so fucking torn, Fuck this is so hard. I’m at the hospital now, so will get back to you later.” Fuck… I feel like such an idiot.

#IBD4U

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