Month: Aug 2023

One thing I have needed to do, probably my whole life is focus on me for a bit. I have always been on the go looking for someone to love me or looking for that new job with career progression & lately renovations.

So when I finally realise with the help of my Doctor that I have to work on myself, not the outside of myself but the inside, I actually start to get proper diagnosis. Now depending who you talk too, diagnosis are sometimes helpful & sometimes not… I guess I have to wait & see what way it goes for me. However you all know I have had a weight struggle, ever since I can remember I have been on some sort of eating plan, supplement regime or some sort of prescribed drug to lose weight.

I have been so Psychologists before, counsellors & healers but when my GP referred me to a health psychologist, I googled her & I wasn’t sceptical, I was excited… For the first time in a long time I was excited about seeing someone… But her wait was almost 7 months to get into her! FUCK…

Our first session we just set the scene & history, by the second session she went though on her white board – a cycle. A cycle which I have been in for over 20 years of eating healthy, exercising – getting results & putting too much pressure on myself to get “skinny” (whatever skinny means). When she sits down & tells me I have an eating disorder & she has a plan to recover from it my first thought is ‘Fuck, how are we going to do that in 10 sessions’ (you get 10 sessions covered on a mental health care plan with Medicare) & as if she read my mind she says that Medicare covers 40 sessions for an eating disorder. WOW.

I have always said I have some sort of eating disorder, it’s not anorexia because I don’t loose weight like someone who’s starving themselves but I also am not bulimic as I don’t vomit my food up however I do have compulsions to gorge on food, particularly when I do my grocery shopping, I will eat all 4 ice creams I buy to ‘get them out of the house.’ but this diagnosis (I wish had a completely different name) is Atypical Anorexia Nervosa.

Now we all know Anorexia is an eating disorder of starving oneself & nervosa just means loss of appetite so essentially starving by intaking little to no calories daily & rapidly losing weight to a scarily low BMI (not that we should use the BMI for ANYTHING!).

Atypical anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder where you do everything an anorexic person does or thinks, including all the body image disturbances & a history of restrictive eating & weight loss, except that they are not currently underweight & can have an overweight BMI. That’s me!

So while I am only at the beginning of this diagnosis, I initially was happy to have a name for it. I only wanted a name so I knew how to treat it. Luckily for me my gut was right with this Psychologist & she has been AMAZING. While she’ll allow me to talk about shit at work & my love life etc, we focus mainly on health with little goals that most people don’t realise are a huge struggle for me, such as only weighing once a week – not daily. Eating three meals a day & planning food so I am not just eating a packet of chips when I do eat…

Very small steps but recently I found my weight watchers card when I was 21 years old & I was 64kgs, with a goal weight on 55kgs. As I broach my 42nd birthday, I know that this weight watchers card was not my first attempt at losing weight back then, though high school it was a struggle & there was always a fad I was doing. So for over 20 years, I have been dieting but not getting the results of that of an anorexic person so I never believed I had an eating disorder.

I am obviously not here to give medical advice in anyway, I am not on the same journey as someone with the same behaviours as I have but I do think that there are many of you reading this thinking, fuck I have done the same… So I urge you to get some mental health assistance because weight loss is not about the weight. There is an underlying issue for why I eat the way I eat, why I exercise the way I do & why I think the way I think…

Which leads me into my second diagnosis of 2023…

#IBD4U

Not a lot has been happening on the dating scene in 2023. With both Fisherman & Farmer having the audacity to ghost me… I am done. Like really done! I am still deep in this backyard reno (a year later), I have two very recent health diagnosis that I am working through – I should do a post about both TBH just so I don’t feel so alone with both of them, I have quit my job & starting a new one (which includes a trip to QLD) & I have moved my little lash business back home – a full circle. It’s been so busy that I just cannot factor in a boy.

But my new eye lash lady tells me that her friend met her boyfriend on Snapchat as a random add & they have been dating for years now… Well I get random adds every single day – probably because I am ‘Cheekie ******’, that I ignore, but perhaps this could be something for me too?

So I start adding everyone… Fuck it is funny. But it gets boring so quickly & I delete people so quickly! So a lot of the time, they say, “Heyy” (yes with the 2 y’s) but my reply is always, “Where from & How old?” as my standard questions that I now ask first, however then I get, “Can I see you?” What is with that? I mean I understand they want to see what I look like but about 99.9% of the time I have taken a selfie, put it in my story & they have looked at it. Which is usually my reply, “In my story, but what do you know, you’ve already looked at it.” They then say sorry or you’re hot. Sometimes I get, no I want to see all of you – meaning I need to see if you’re fat or not. Of course I also get asked for nudes too, but no one is getting that these days…

What is is the sentence though, “Can I see you?” It’s never different on snap… Why don’t they ask, “Can you send me a pic?” or “What do you look like?” I think it’s so fucking weird to say, “Can I see you?” – or is it just me that thinks that’s a weird phrase?! It’s like a universal thing for snapchat.

Another thing they will say is, “Sorry for the add, I hope it’s ok.” Well dipshit, of course it’s ok, or I wouldn’t have added you back! Then we go through bullshit about where I’m from & what I look like etc. Ironically most that ask to see me, don’t share a picture with me. Usually they are deleted quickly.

My personal favourite when they add me is, “Do I know you?” No fuck wit you don’t, you added me from quick add – which they usually deny. Sometimes they will say, “Oh you came up in my list so I added you.” or sometimes it’s like a whole bunch of messages pretending to know me or think they know me, all a ploy to get pictures etc. Another personal fav is the, “I don’t get on here much, can I have your number.” No dude, you cannot. Then there are the ones who call you, I block those who call me, do not call me on snapchat, thanks!

“How cheekie are you?” I mean I sort of ask for that, don’t I? However it doesn’t make it any less annoying! Also the amount of dick pics! FUCK. What is wrong with men… I get so many snaps with their dicks so I took to screenshotting them as they get a notification that I have done so. When they see that I have screenshotted they will sometimes ask me to delete it or ask what I am going to do with it. Then I block them. Of course I delete their ugly dick pic but I hope they think twice about spamming someone else with their cock.

Picture this – a guy sitting on the toilet (my personal favourite) in a dirty white t shirt, his fingernails are filthy as are his hands, his fairly big dick is so untrimmed, you can’t even see if he has balls & to top it off, the white toilet seat is dirty also… ABSOLUTELY FOUL! What is wrong with men. Another sent me a video if this micro-penis & his hairy asshole… Another sent me a video of him pissing in the toilet… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

If you know snapchat, you know that it also sends you a notification when someone is typing, which is fucking annoying as it means you get two notifications if they send you one “Heyy,” then you get another notification when they quickly say, “Can I see you?” (Usually without a question mark.) & sometimes another when they look at your story & then say you’re hot or if they send you their own snap – usually of their filthy penis. But when I get a million notifications one day & the person I share my office with asks what is happening with my phone as it vibrates for a long time like a call, I look & one of the randoms has sent a video – opening a video at work is always risky. But I’m pretty sure this guy did the same thing this morning. He records himself singing in his car, seemingly while driving to songs on the radio. Firstly his voice isn’t great so it’s not about that & he is singing the whole song. So I get multiple snaps for the WHOLE song & he’ll send about 4-5 full renditions of songs. Needless to say he is blocked rapidly.

I’ve barely had a conversation with any snapchatters that lasted more than a couple of chats & the ones that do talk are usually too young for me or live far away. I did get chatting to one guy from Adelaide – he was a bit of a ranting weirdo, but I thought for a split second about potentially meeting him, but he deleted me before we even got anywhere close to that anyway – which perplexed me. However I guess like I suspected for Farmer, he was probably married.

Creepiness galore when someone from the chat app adds me, which I have not been on in months & they start saying things about me that they know, probably not to freak me out but to prove they know who I am, so we chat a bit but I don’t put in that much effort, much like I didn’t on the chat app & we just sporadically chat as we did on there. If I didn’t chat to them much on there, I am not going to chat to them much on snapchat unless they put in some effort & I feel like it’s worth it to put in effort back.

So the more randoms you add, the more randoms that add you. So I get about 20 per day & I add most of them, but most of them I block within a few hours or so because of the above bullshit. So I don’t even think I am going to have a decent chat with anyone from snapchat, let alone meet someone to date! Hahaha…

#IBD4U

Earlier in 2023, when I am online dating for the last time… I almost don’t swipe on this guy, he’s doing a kiss face with sheep in his profile picture & he’s only got two photos basically the same wearing sunnies. I’m not sure about him but we message, his grammar & spelling are impeccable for a farmer, usually there are lots of misspelt words for guys & country guys are usually the worst… But this guy isn’t… It kinda turns me on a little. Hahaha.

He sends me photos of his house he just finished building & I don’t believe it’s his house… It’s fucking amazing, in a country town about 45 -60 minutes away from my house. I google image search & some of the pictures come up on a Melbourne window website – so either they were the window builder or he’s bullshitting… Does anyone remember the bullshit Motocross told me?! I can’t tell if this is bullshit or not yet…

We chat online but there isn’t a lot of banter, he asks for my snapchat, so I give it to him… We chat easily but there isn’t the funny banter or little smiles from the messages like I’ve had with other men before. Anyway he asks when I’m free, I tell him Saturday night but he says that he’s going up the river to help his neighbour & don’t offer another date.

We continue to talk all day & he sends me a snap of the sheep at about 5:30pm or so & I think, he’s a fucking lair & not a very good one because he’s clearly not up the river! He tells me that he didn’t want to stuff me around but he thought he might be home earlier but he didn’t know what time he’d be back so he didn’t want to make plans. I mean if he really wanted to meet, he could’ve asked when he got home if I was free… Men just don’t think…

He asks if I am free Monday as he is coming to town & will be on the same road as where I work, so I figure I never take proper lunch breaks, so I say yes, that we can meet at 12:00 pm. at 11:50 am, he asks if we’re still good to meet, so I get pack up & ready to meet assuming he’s already at the café. As I get in the car, he says that he’s still driving, by the time I get there he won’t be far behind if he’s on that road. But I like to be the one who walks in, not the one sitting waiting.

I am sitting there waiting like a dick, thinking he is standing me up. He is 20 minutes late at this point. If he was on the road that he said he was on, there is no way it took 20 minutes even with trying to find a park… He walks in & just sits down saying hello etc and I realise that this guy actually looks like an older version of Motocross… Fuck.

He pays for lunch for me & sits down, where we chat easily. It’s not witty banter, it’s not awkward, its just comfortable. He ordered the same as me, so we eat quickly as now I don’t have that long left. My old neighbours walk in & they stand & chat to me for a bit, which is a bit weird when you’re on a first date. We leave the café & I say goodbye to my neighbours, he’s standing at my car when I get out there, this is when it’s awkward as it’s board daylight on a Monday on a busy road. We say an awkward goodbye without touching & go our separate ways.

We talk so consistently over the next week & he asks when I am free for dinner, so I say Friday or Saturday night. On Thursday with no plans made, I notice he’s deleted his dating account & when he usually messages a “lol” he’ll follow up a few hours later asking what I’m doing or something. When he doesn’t I decide to ask when we are catching up so I can plan my weekend. He says “Probably Saturday” I am like either yes or no? not probably. He says Saturday & I ask where, he says he’ll have a think about it. So I give him an out, if he doesn’t want to meet again this weekend, fine, but my overthinking brain just thinks he’s either waiting for a better offer from another chick or he’s married/in a relationship.

Surprisingly he takes me out, says he’s wants to catch up but feels like he’s coming down with something… Rightio. We barely chat on the Friday, I can’t even be bothered, I don’t want a texting relationship with someone, he tries to be cheeky over the week, but I shut that chatter down too, again not what I want. Not what I deserve!

So we don’t catch up either day over the weekend, ironically again he is messaging me & tells me he feels ok. I tell him that I don’t want just texting & he says “Good!! Neither do I!!!!! I want someone to have a normal BF GF relationship, do things together create memories, also lots of kissing, lots of skin on skin etc etc etc……….” I mean I agree mate, but we have to fucking meet to get there! He says that we did meet once & to give him a break, I say ok & he tells me that I am hard work… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Hard work? Forgive me for wanting to see you again.

Farmer tries to catch up with me, but not really – like he doesn’t ask me specifically out & he doesn’t imply he wants to see me, he just dances around the subject & I don’t really care at this point, because I am sure he’s married… Even a guy I work with that I talk about my dating life with because he meets crazy women instantly says that Farmer is married…

Low & behold, he replies to every story, much like Eastwood did until Farmer deletes me. WHAT THE FUCK? He deletes me?! That’s just gold… Ok dude. See ya! Another one bites the dust… I had deleted my online dating profile long before he deleted me from snapchat, but seriously… I genuinely never get what happens with these men to make them delete me. I ask a guy friend at work & he says before I even finish the story that he thinks he’s married also…

Well fuck, I sure can pick em!

#IBD4U