So with wine going down well one night, I am feeling a bit frisky again, or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to be alone when my friend goes home. My friend is telling me to post on the anonymous app & pick up a guy. I haven’t seen Noodle on there for a while & he’ll be offline right now probably fucking his partner in some kinky sex swing! OMG I need to stop thinking about whatever the fuck they are doing!
I post that I am looking for a one night hook up & my friend & I chat to some random men, I get a few pictures & finally find one that I think will be good for the night – exactly what I need, remember the song from Hip Hop. I just need someone to fill the void!
This guy comes over, again he is younger than me, probably just outside my 10 year age bracket, but at this point, I am not even caring. He’s cute, a little bit taller than me. I am a little bit drunk when he rocks up at my house. I remember to delete the post from the app so that Noodle doesn’t see it. I don’t want to accidentally talk to him. I am always so conscious when I use this app to make sure that I am not talking to Noodle.
We end up in my bedroom, we are kissing & it’s good kissing, I like this guy, he smells good, he’s doing all the right things, I am underneath him & he is on top of me when he tries to choke me, I push his hand away saying no. I mean you all know I like a little choking, but there is no way I’m allowing this stranger to even lightly choke me. I don’t know him, I don’t trust him, I am not allowing this to happen. He stops which is good, not that I didn’t think he would, but then he looks at me & says “You’re a good little slut, aren’t you” Now this normally wouldn’t affect me so much or probably at all, I had gotten used to these fun games with Dom & Noodle – fuck I loved it when Noodle called me “His slut” I was his slut, I am not this guys slut. I hate that he just called me that.. WTF. I don’t know what is happening, as he flips me over & starts doing me from behind, I start crying… OMFG!!! This has never happened to be before & this is fucking weird! WHY THE FUCK AM I CRYING… I try to hide it but he asks if I am ok, I say yes & that he should just finish. He stops & lays down next to me. He asks again if I am ok, I mean clearly I am not. What the fuck has happened to me… Remember back at the beginning of this blog when I couldn’t cry & my friends made me watch soldiers coming home videos on YouTube but I still couldn’t cry… Now I’m fucking crying at the drop of a hat… What the fuck is wrong with me?!
He lays down next to me & spoons me as I try to control myself, feeling so embarrassed, which isn’t something that happens to me much – I don’t get embarrassed easily (Clearly you all know that because I write this blog which is very personal & lots of people that I know chat to me about it. -It is what it is…) I ask him to leave a few times, but he doesn’t, he just spoons me & it makes me cry more. FUCK. I just want this guy to go because I want to fucking lay here sobbing! But I guess he doesn’t want to leave the fucking nutcase crying lady alone, who wants to be that guy? I feel like a fucking idiot. No one ever sees me cry. I hate to cry in front of people. It’s like my pet hate or like the thing I hate showing people about me that I have a weakness or something…
I compose myself enough to ask him to leave again & tell him that I am fine. I mean, I am not but I need this guy to leave. I have to control myself to get him out. He finally leaves, look I give him credit for sticking around, he didn’t cum, I didn’t cum because the waterworks started (& not the good kind of waterworks!) so I am thankful he was sensitive. However I cannot face this guy again.
He leaves & I crumble at my front door like a fucking chick in a movie… I fall to the ground sobbing like a wanker. I cannot control the sobs. They come in bursts. I am cold & crying uncontrollably that when I finally pick myself up off the ground, I am also shaking like a leaf. I crawl into bed heaving, barely able to breathe. Why did this guy upset me so much? But it wasn’t this man, it was Noodle. I am not ready to be fucking other men, clearly – or was it because he called me something that Noodle used to call me…?
This poor sweet guy messages me a few times afterwards but I ignore him. I mean fuck, who wants to talk to the woman who bursts into tears during sex.
A year or so later, he joins my chat group & messages me again but I don’t reply. I mean fuck can’t this guy leave well alone? I mean crying during sex has to be worse than having a limp dick! I feel so bad but I just can’t face this guy again.
One thought on “Crier”
Well, firstly, you ARE human and you’re allowed to be vulnerable and you’re allowed to cry. You’re also allowed to make mistakes and not be perfect. I don’t think you were fair on him, although I disliked him the moment I read the bit about the choking (don’t get me started on that). But maybe he is just a young guy who needs to find out for real about how to be a decent, kind man – how to be a man actually. So, there’s nothing wrong with you, other than healing from a broken heart from a total loser who didn’t deserve you. (Sorry, but it’s true).