Noodle #51

I barely sleep again thinking about meeting Noodle again… How will this go down? Should I kiss him hello or is that how we get into trouble? I can’t believe he’s still lying to her too about chatting to me & now he’s fucking meeting me! It’s been just over a month since we ended & saw each other last – that infamous time when she asked for a picture of him at the gym. He’s such a dumb idiot… She will somehow find out that he’s met me & I think she’ll go ballistic. I mean I would fucking flip out too if I were her! But she has been begging him to see me, so maybe he’s told her that he’s meeting me to ask me for the 3sum but actually he’s just meeting me to give my keys back… I wonder if she even knows he had my house keys?

I tell my sister & sister in law that I am going to meet Noodle. I ask them what to wear & my sister in law tells me that I should make an effort to look good but not over the top like I am trying too hard – she said an ex did something like that to her & she just felt sorry for him. I thank her for that advice because I was going to wear something he’d love, like a skirt & low cut top, maybe lingerie. But I just go for my usual undies (which Noodle thinks is sexy anyway) & I just wear jeans & a top. Jeans are his most hated outfit for me, but we’re just going to sit in the car. Nothing over the top but still shows him that I have lost about 8 kgs at this point since he saw me last, which was only a month ago… I hope he’s fat! Hahaha…

I message him to tell him I’m there, I see him walking to my car. He’s wearing a baggy work shirt. I am nervous but also oddly at peace… He looks like I remember, but yeah I can tell he’s put on a little bit of weight, that makes me oddly smug! Hahaha.

When he gets in my car, it takes all my might to not lean over & kiss him like we’ve done so many times before… It’s weird that this feels a bit awkward but also feels horrible, that this man knows every single part of me & now we’re basically acting like strangers… How can’t that even be?

He hands my keys back as he settles in the car, I hand over his name badges which he left in my car a few times when we’ve fucked. As our hands brush though this exchange, I am reminded of the electricity between us. I wonder if that’ll ever go away, say for example if we meet again in 10 years time, will there still be this crackle of chemistry between us?! I also don’t know if its because this man has broken my heart into a million pieces by the way he’s treated me or what, but I notice things about him that I never noticed before, little nit picky things… Like his few grey hairs in his hair & through his beard or that he has nose hairs poking out the bottom of his nose… I mean I still find him really attractive, but I start picking up features that I’ve never noticed before. Maybe it’s a self-preservation thing, you if I start thinking he’s not that hot then I can get over him easier?! I don’t know what it is.

I also can’t help it when he says something about her having my phone number, so I ask why she never called or text me when she clearly had my work phone number from their son’s iPad, I’m not sure how she resisted if she really is like how he described her. He looks at me weirdly, he says that she did, she sent heaps of messages but apparently I just denied everything & stopped replying. OMG… She never text me! Fuck how didn’t I get those messages? I explain that I never got any messages, she definitely has never text my work phone. (Thank god for that!) She must’ve got my phone number wrong! Fuck I wonder what would have happened if she got my phone number right, would I have been so forgiving of Noodle or would I have let loose with everything that I needed or wanted to say, telling her everything about the 3sum, about fucking in their bed? Or would I have taken the high road?! WOW. I wonder what would have happened had she got the number right. Noodle just laughs but I ask why he didn’t stop her – it’s not funny, I mean yeah I fucked her partner for a year but it takes 2 to cheat… Why isn’t he stopping her & asking her to just move on & forget me. Like fuck, why would he even allow her or tolerate her messaging me?! I mean I thought he’d be a bit stronger to be honest & just tell her to forget me – he tells me not to message his phone & I respect that. He should’ve told her to not be messaging some poor random about cheating! (That would make a great blog post, the messages to a stranger!) He tells me that he thinks it’s really funny & that he did tell her to stop, but she wouldn’t listen, so he just let it happen. OMG Really…

Noodle talks about the night she found my panties on their fridge, he tells me about how violent she was, breaking a mirror & trying to stab him with pieces & also a knife. He packed up his car & was ready to leave but she then she also got really drunk so he couldn’t leave the kids behind. I tell him that I wish he messaged me because I would’ve told him to bring the kids to my house. Wow… He has told me she’s been violent towards him – I mean she apparently used to get in fights at nightclubs back in the day, but I didn’t think he’d tolerate it towards him. He’s really surprising me. But I guess he did cheat & trying to save his family – which is what he keeps saying.

He asks me if I’ve fucked someone else yet, which I have now, Rob Rob & Crows. But I don’t want to make Noodle jealous. I know this is dumb, but I am loyal & didn’t want to fuck anyone else in case he came back to me, then I could have a clear conscious. But he keeps asking & I admit to fucking someone, I don’t say who or how many guys, but I tell him that I have. He almost seems relieved when I tell him that I have fucked another man. Maybe he’s relieved because he’s in an open relationship now so he’s going to be fucking other women soon…

Noodle & I talk longer than I was expecting to be honest, he said he could only spare half an hour, saying his work is so busy & he doesn’t have time. Yet he’s with me for a full hour before he says he has to go. I can’t help but be disappointed, this is the last time I’m ever going to see my best friend again. That hurts… A lot! At least this time I know that this will be the last time! It’s a lot harder than I that thought. I mean he probably isn’t ever going to talk to me again after this. I have to be prepared for that… This has to be the end. We shouldn’t talk again… I know that, but it’s also not what I want! As much as my readers are saying get rid of him, unless you’e had a chemistry like I’ve described with another human being, you cannot understand the pull this man has on me! You cannot understand why I am so in love with him…

I watch him cross the road without looking back & as I drive away, I think “Fuck, I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry.” That was so fucking awkward, I just wanted to kiss him, a proper kiss goodbye on the lips – just a peck not a pash. But I was going to settle for a peck on the lips. He was going in for just a hug. So we sort of mis-kissed… That was so fucking awkward, for 2 people who are so in sync, that was fucking awkward. But that somehow proves to me that this is not the end for us…

I expect to never hear from him again. That was the end, for us, for now. I have my keys back. I can relax a little. It felt fucking weird, as much as I don’t it to be the end, it has to be. He has chosen her, he is staying with her, regardless of the reasons why, he chose! Fuck though, I want to message him. I wonder if he wants to message me or if that’s over for him?! Is he done? Does he really want to be done with me?

I haven’t even gotten home yet, when my phone beeps with the chat app jingle, he’s the only one not on silent, my heart stops. It is Noodle. Whatever he has to say, I am definitely not going to reply. We have to just be apart to both move on! That was the end, this is the end. It has to be the end. I can’t keep doing this to myself… I read his message, thinking this will be the last one I will ever read from Noodle “Well that didn’t feel like a very finished convo” FUUUUUCCCCK! I’m fucking writing back before I know it agreeing with him, saying that it was a lame hug but he had to go. He says that yes he was only going to take 30 minutes not an hour, I apologise to him for keeping him when he says ‘That’s ok, I didn’t want to leave.’ DOUBLE FUCK! I stupidly offer to see him again, perhaps if we keep talking he’ll realise what he’s let go. Maybe I can convince him that he’s not a burden to me, that he’s not in love with her, that he’s in love with me… Why am I so tragic?

He asks me if I want to say goodbye for good, definitely not but I tell him “You want to make your relationship work & I need to move on. Neither can happen if we’re still in contact” I tell him that it’s part of why I wanted my keys back because I keep listening for him to use then. “I wouldn’t of used them without telling you? Secretly you wanted me to visit again?” I laugh & tell him it’s not a secret. I am thankful that he wouldn’t use my keys, but I am also living this dumb fantasy that he will, you know? Now I can relax.

He tells me “Probably the best thing you can do for yourself is cut me off & ghost me. I’m trying to work out why you haven’t.” I tell him it’s because I still love him but ask if he wants to stop talking to me “Even more reason too. No I want to keep speaking, just don’t want to upset you” I ask if he wants to see me again “I would like too again. I enjoyed it. And… It felt unfinished. & that doesn’t mean sexually…”

The next morning he messages me saying that he swears I went into kiss him, but I didn’t. I tried to give him a hug with a sweeping kiss on the cheek. I tell him that I am going to miss him helping me with food & diet the most. He says “I can still help. You do know I can’t just switch off everything. I can ignore it… But not switch off fully.” Well I’m glad he said that because, fuck I don’t want to stop talking to him. We chat about the fact I’ve been to a naturopath & he’s been eating a lot of food lately.

I have also been sent their online dating profile that they share, with the same user name as their new chat app account names. OMG… That’s just fucking sad. Get your own identity! Their profile picture is her sucking his dick… Yeah I’m so glad I’ve seen that! Fucking hell… He says that she made the profile that it’s all her, the pictures & everything. There are a few lies about their weight & body types. He also tells me that his partner is telling anyone who’ll listen on the chat app that they are open because he cheated & going in o the whole thing. I try to help him out letting him know that he shouldn’t be on the chat app because there are people with screenshots trying to destroy his relationship. All he’ll need is her to find the wrong person & it’ll be over. He tells me that she knows everything & the screenshots won’t matter… OK well, considered yourself warned Noodle, because you brought her on the chat app. He tells me that his partner has organised someone to fuck him solo & she’s fucking someone solo this week, that I snap.

“Fuck you. Have a nice time Noodle. I really do hope it all works out for you. I really did love you & you were my best friend I’m gonna miss that.” I don’t read his reply. But I get a few in a row… I am so fucking hurt right now… He messages me on the chat app but I ignore for hours, walking around the house sobbing. When I get a text message “I really didn’t want to piss you off & wasn’t trying…” I can’t help myself, I check the chat app messages “I didn’t fuck anyone for the record. I’ll miss you too… If that’s your goodbye. FFS Fuck didn’t want to piss you off.”

I throw my phone on the couch & cry…. Fuck this is excruciating… A few hours later, I get another message “I don’t want to throw our friendship in the bin, you are worth more than that to me to just forget you. Goodbye then, your fucking amazing & one day you’ll get a guy you deserve, I hope everything that happened between us will make you a better person. I’ll never forget you.” I can’t believe that I only saw this man yesterday & now we’re fighting… I am so hurt, I can’t even contemplate what I want or be rational. I take an hour to write my response “You may as well stab me every time you say some guy will be so lucky to have me – you were that lucky guy! You hurt me by saying you wish things were different – things can be different if you got some legal advice & let me help you with everything else. It kills me every time you tell me something about your amazing sex life – but I truly hope it works out for you. I don’t want to throw our friendship in the bin either but for now, I have to walk away. I can’t keep hearing these things from you, I overthink it & it gives me hope you’re going to make the right decision. Just so you know I won’t every do anything to jeopardise your relationship, so if anything is every said, it’s not from me. In the future, you can contact me, but for now we have to move on. Good luck Noodle. #IBD4U” Instantly he writes back “Hmmm.”

FUCK.

Later than night after a few hours of my goodbye, I’ve fulling cat him off, he messages me again accusing me of telling his other friend on the chat app that he’s a loser with no friends… She was a good friend to him & when it ended I chatted to her a fair bit & she told me that he loved me a lot & he was very torn about what to do. She had advised him & been a great friend. I am fuming at his message, that I am not going to write back but then I can’t help myself. I explain that I told her that he has no friends to talk to about me, not that he didn’t have friends. Not many people on the chat app know about us & he obviously hadn’t told anyone in his real life about me, so he only really had her to talk to about me. He doesn’t believe me & I write a message trying to explain it better & I get back “k” My family is over for dinner & I literally burst into tears & barely function for the evening… FUCK… This can’t be how it ends with Noodle.

#IBD4U