Noodle #50

Again, Noodle has the control. He logs off & doesn’t bother to message me again. I fucking hate that he does that I can’t do anything about it. I mean I can, but I am not a fucking idiot. He’s told me this woman will hunt me down & kill me. I also don’t really want to cause him any more drama. Or do I? I mean I will admit, I’m only human, I consider rocking up at his work, her work, their house, I even consider faking a pregnancy… Like I mean my thoughts are clearly a little nuts when heartbroken, I get that, but I’m pretty sure that’s normal thoughts, what’s not normal is acting on it. Man I wish I was nuts!

Interestingly, I never hear from him again on that account, I get a screenshot from another person who knows us well, who sends me a copy of Noodle’s new chat app account. What a fucking asshole… His name is a word (which I won’t share) but then “guy” with his year of birth. Oh fuck, so assuming she’ll be the same word with “girl” & her year of birth (Which I know because she just turned 30). I look it up & bingo, there is her face both on the app with only a couple of days on her tally (as the chat apps tells you how many days you’ve been on the chat app). OMG. The thing that bothers me about this is that he would pay anyone else out for doing that, having matching names, he would give them so much shit, yet he’s now got fucking matching user names… OMG he’s really not the guy I thought he was…. He’s such a fucking wanker! I can’t even believe that I was (lets face it, still am) in love with this man. Why hasn’t he messaged me on this new account? We were chatting ok on the other one?! I am so fucking angry, I haven’t heard from him for a couple of days. He’s now back on my turf with her & hasn’t bothered to tell me. He is fucking stupid! Why would he bring her onto the chat app after publicly announcing that he was with me under his old account that he shared pictures with so everyone knows who he is & now he has his face up again & so does she… I know he told her we met at the gym, but he should’ve kept her far away from the chat app, with everything he could!!

I message him on the chat app from my account to his new account & he reads it then never replies. So I send another message & he doesn’t read it, I get nothing, I send another & he never reads it. FUCK YOU NOODLE! I’m so mad & beyond caring at this point that I send him a text message “Noodle, I need to get my key back & I’ve got your xmas present + name badges to give back too. We need to meet.” I say that stuff in case she reads it – just so she knows some stuff he might not tell her. But I get nothing back from him. What a fucking wanker! I am so angry!

At this point though, I didn’t know there were emails waiting for me in my junk box, until I met Cowboy for coffee. So I am fuming about how Noodle has left things with me. But obviously when I sent the message on the chat app & then the text, he emailed me to ask me to stop & also that he would meet me for lunch this weekend. He also tells me that he blocked me on the chat app because she has full access to his phone & doesn’t want her to find my messages. He tells me in the emails that he’ll chat to me at work. All I care about right now is getting my keys back so I can move on. I can’t stop thinking about him rocking up at my house… I need to dash that fantasy right away!

Finally on the weekend, he’s chatting to me on the chat app, I ask why he didn’t message me & he says that it was part of the conditions, he couldn’t talk to me. I tell him that I figured that I was worth more than being ghosted but he tells me that it wasn’t possible… I call bullshit. I mean he wasn’t at work, I guess so couldn’t message – but he’s back at work now. If you remember when he used to message me in the shower or toilet – a cheeky message or 2, I’m sure he could’ve found some time to message me a proper goodbye, if he really loved me like he said he did…

I tell him that I feel stupid for emailing all that stuff, but I wanted him to know that I held back so much because he was already with someone, but in the email, I didn’t hold back at all. I let him know how much I loved him & that I had visions of marrying him, visions of his kids with us, him living in my house… That we would make our own… He tells me that it was very heartfelt, he had the same fantasies & that I don’t often show the vulnerable side of me. Which is true, I mean he was in a relationship the whole time, so I was guarded & keeping a guard up because I was protecting myself… I had to protect myself. Imagine how destroyed I’d be right now if I didn’t… I mean it’s bad enough as it is!

He tells me that his hours have changed at work on Tuesday nights so he wouldn’t have been able to see me at all & that he was holding me back… I mean when he was on annual leave & we still saw each other, we would have made something work – so he’s just making excuses now. He asks me if I got laid yet, which I haven’t… I haven’t even been able to make myself cum at this point because I can’t think of anyone else but Noodle’s face at the moment, so I haven’t done anything at this point…

I ask the question I’ve been burning to know… You probably have too “So how did she find my undies anyway?” Why haven’t I asked this yet?! I assume she was snooping in his gym bag & found them, brought them into their living room & held them asking who’s are these… “I left them on top of the fridge” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! Why would he put them on the fucking fridge… Were they in a bag or a container or something? Did this guy want to get caught or what? “Thinking she is short she wouldn’t find them. Big mistake. Haha” The fridge? I mean what the actual fuck really… He said they were just on the fridge, bright green lace panties on his fridge… Fuck he’s an idiot!

He told her that he met me at the gym, which was stupid really, because I’m certain that he won’t be allowed to go again now. He said his partner has been ok while he was at home still on paternity leave, but now that he’s back at work she’s gone a little nuts, messaging him all day & not happy when he doesn’t reply quick enough. Says that she’s tracking his phone more than ever, as she’s home on maternity leave while he is back at work. I feel sorry for both of them. That’s no way to live!

When Noodle confirms with me that he told her that he wasn’t in love with me & that we were only fucking for 3 months – he figures that we only loved each other for 3 months so everything before that didn’t matter, I want to hit him. I fucking hate that he told her that, I mean I understand why, to save face with the mother of his children. I knew that he would lie to her, but fuck me, that fucking hurts me like hell, by trivialising what we had. My first love dissolved into a 3 month meaningless affair to him.

Also why is he telling me this, I mean we’ve always been honest with each other, but is he trying to hurt me? Is he doing this on purpose to make me hate him or is it just that we told each other everything & so he continues the honesty? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. But fuck, I do want to know. I want to know what lies she’s been told. I feel so sorry for her, I truly do. Not only has her life been a lie for so long, when she knew something was going on but he lied to her face the whole time & now he’s lied to her even more but she thinks he’s being so honest with her. What’s even more perplexing to me, is why I still want to be with the man! A liar…

He tells me that she keeps offering to have a 3sum with me… WTF! (As if I would ever fucking do that!) He tells me that he never told her we had one with Sweetie. Another fucking lie… He tells me that she just wants to compare herself to me… I mean I get that, I know what she looks like & honestly can see what the attraction to me was for him. She’s not ugly at all but without being a big head, I am more attractive & have a better body – however she has had 2 kids. She isn’t ugly though at all… She has lips I’d kill for. Hahaha.

He tells me that she also found my phone number on their iPad from the last time I saw Noodle, where he was asked to send a picture to her of him at the gym. We’d text each other to my work iPhone to see if the live picture thing worked with old photos, which it did. I’m android on my personal phone that was the only time he ever used my work number. He didn’t know that the text message would be on his iPad… Fuck, now I have to wait for her to message me on my fucking work phone! Jesus… I’m surprised she hasn’t done it already!

He tells me that “She’s been asking me all afternoon to meet up with you & ask for a 3sum tho.” OH WOW… She’s been asking him to meet me? Yet only a few weeks ago he was told not to see me or message me as part of the “conditions.” Now she’s willing to let him meet me?! I guess she doesn’t know that he was in love with me or how long it went on for, he’s lied about that… She just thinks we were sex & that Noodle was unhappy with their sex life. So right now, she’s doing everything she can to satisfy him in the bedroom… I tell him that we need to meet obviously to get my keys back, I don’t want him to drop them off because I don’t need her to be tracking his phone when he drops them off. I tell him that I will meet him. He says he won’t use the keys but he doesn’t want her to know where I live either. I agree that I know he won’t use the keys, I am not worried about that, I mean I want him to use the keys to come live with me, but since we’re over, I can’t have him keeping them because it’s doing my head in thinking about him rocking up. At least if he doesn’t have keys, he’ll have to message me at least to come over.

The next day, I have finally slept! A decent night sleep! Noodle chats to me again in the morning & asks if it’s made it better or worse for me, talking to him again. I tell him the truth, it is worse but also better (I’ve slept!). I hated being cut off & not knowing what was going on – as much as I don’t want to hear the answers, I’m kind of glad to get some answers. He tells me that it scares him to see me or talk to me because he’s still in love with me & never wanted to lose me as a friend. Which I agree, I stupidly want him as a friend too, I mean I still want him more than a friend, but right now, I need to still be talking to him because it’s not over for me. He tells me that he’s surprised I’m even chatting to him that he thought I would hate him & be over him… Well clearly he doesn’t know me at all, if he thinks that. His self esteem is either worse than I ever imagined or I loved him more than he loved me…

Noodle asks if anyone in the groups has said anything, I tell him that everyone was pretty good to me about it, supportive & some even thought we were actually a couple & didn’t realise we were having an affair. Even though we officially didn’t tell many people on the chat app, that we were seeing each other, people still worked it out. It wouldn’t be hard, we were in all the same groups & pretty much chatted at the same time. I tell him “Sweetie wanted to come to your work to talk to you… & also wanted to find your partner to tell her she fucked you.” That would just cause so much shit, but I secretly wish that that happened! I think she has a right to know, but I also don’t want to be the one to destroy his life.

Noodle tells me that he considered me his girlfriend… OMG, did I have a boyfriend? I didn’t even realise I did… He tells me that he loves us both, but wants me more – I can’t believe that right now, he says that he thinks about me more but he didn’t know what else to do but he tells me that he’s been holding me back for so long. Which again I don’t agree with!

I ask him about something that has been eating at me, why didn’t I ask more questions about his family… I won’t go into details because I respect Noodle (regardless of how he’s treated me!) but I get the details about the tragedy that rocked his family when he was really young & for some reason, I am so glad I asked… He makes more sense now why he doesn’t want to leave his kids full time. But also just so you all understand, the things that happened to Noodle are why he has serious self esteem issues & never thinks I am good enough for him.

I can’t help myself but spill the beans about the other stuff going on in my life, I tell him that I am upset because my godmother has just passed away & all I want from him is a hug to make me feel better. I have been away for work again, which sucks – because I’m fully alone, in the hotel thinking! He says that I always did struggle being away – but now it’s worse.

I don’t want to dwell on all this shit, so I just ask when I can meet him to get my keys, he asks if I want to just meet & get my keys or if I want to talk. I ask if he can meet me for his lunch break which he says he could probably come out for half an hour. I agree to meet up with him tomorrow at work!

FUCK. Am I ready to see him again? Can I see him again? Is this a big mistake? Should I even go though with this?!

#IBD4U