Noodle #60

I hope the title got your attention!

For those who’ve been with me for a few years, you probably never thought you’d see this name again – did you?! I thought it only fitting for this post, that it be named Noodle, not Silverlining even though it kills me still to say Noodle… Before you get excited or angry, whatever your reaction to a Noodle post, hear me out!

A week post sending my video to what he’s known as at the time, Silverlining, I check all the apps daily waiting for a message as his last words to me were “I’ll chat to you when I can” so I wait & wait for the message to ask me how I am or whatever he might say… But I get nothing. I can only assume that he’s not watched the heart wrenching goodbye video, or he wouldn’t have said that – surely. Also I know she sleeps like 23 hours a day so he has time to chat to me even if she is off for 3 weeks, so he is choosing not too… Good for him for being strong. Maybe he did watch the video of me crying my goodbye to him. However I can’t help but doubt my decision to end it so abruptly. Things are not good for me in ALL other areas of my life & they haven’t gotten better now I’ve cut him off… I can’t help but wonder, was he really the problem?!  

Having asked that question, I realise that I am not the type of woman to stalk someone by heading to their gym to see if their car is there, like I did on that fateful day when I ended it, so I knew it was the time to cut it off, no matter how much it hurt – it hurts with every heartbeat. I made the right decision based on my actions, but now I think I realise that my actions were just a by product of other things happening my 9-5 life.

I also notice around this time or a few weeks later, that he’s deleted his Fetlife (kinky Facebook) account – the one thing, the one social media that we had, that we’d said years before that we had that we could find each other in the future, he’s now deleted it – or worse blocked me on it. I can’t stop crying about this. I am heartbroken all over again. I have nothing left to find him on, chat to him or see him on. That hurts me a lot to be perfectly honest!

I notice that he’s changed him name on the anonymous app too, I’m not sure when he did that, but I notice it when I send him a Christmas message, I can’t help myself when I am drunk & sad but I then send him a new years message & then again, I send him something for his birthday in early 2020, which a few days after new year’s. But they never send to him. He never reads them… They sit at sending forever… Maybe he took my advice & finally got off the chat app. I hope that he has, but it kills me that he has, but it’s also good that he isn’t just trolling online for something more than his partner & more than me. Fuck I am in agony! I have never hurt so much about anything.

Day to day, no one would really know this is going on unless you’re close to me, I am struggling with other issues & am rapidly losing weight because of that. I thought it was him, I thought it was our relationship that was my big issue, but clearly it’s not. This hurts me for sure, but I cut out what I thought was the main stressor & yet I am still losing weight, vomiting & diarrhoea as I leave the house… Maybe Silverlining wasn’t my problem?!

FUCK, what did I do?!

Ironically, I had a dream about him on this day, we were hanging out with his kids then he said he had to go pick her up, I refuse to say goodbye to him & he gets in the car & speeds around to where my car is but I drive off. I wake up in real life reeling but I try to go back to sleep to change the end of the dream, I want to make myself stop the car & talk to him – give him a chance to say something to me… But I can’t get back into the dream again.

So many times I think Noodle has created a new account & is stalking me… I then find a person who’s joined the chat app & said something like Noodle would’ve said to me, calling me a nickname he used & my heart starts pounding… I don’t know why but I let J-Lo stalk Noodle’s partner & he says that he can’t find it under her name… My heart sinks, my pulse starts rapidly beating… I give J-Lo Noodle’s last name & J-Lo says that he found her. I start shaking… FUCKING HELL… He married her?! Are you fucking kidding me! I cannot believe it!

Curiosity gets the better of me, so I look her up on FB but it’s not her… So I tell J-Lo to send me a picture of who he’s looking at because I can’t find her. He sends me a picture & I am ready to sigh a sigh of relief, however, it’s fucking Noodle in her profile picture, she is in a wedding dress & he is in suit. His face looks so fat – fatter than I remember him being, he doesn’t look happy at all, his eyes are a give away, he looks so miserable & she’s looking up at him adoringly with her head on his shoulder. It says that they’re married… Her last name is the same as his…

They got married 4 days after I ended it with him…

4 fucking days!

No wonder he started acting weird, she was going on annual leave to get married, her parents were over from interstate obviously for the wedding… Yet he told me that it wouldn’t be the last time that he would see me?! How the fuck was he going to see me wearing a wedding ring? I am so fucking hurt he never told me… I don’t know what I would have done if he told me, but he should have told me! They were clearly planning their wedding for a while – they were already engaged when I met him, so he would have known when we started up the second time that in a few months he would be walking down the aisle with her saying till death do us part, all the while having a second affair with me, all the while confessing how much he loves me.

But because I never replied to him & his ‘I’ll chat to you when I can’ messages, I’m assuming he never bothered to write to me again. This news of marriage makes me fall apart… Not only am I still being dicked around by fuckwit after fuckwit & the love of my life has married someone else, someone I know he loves – I don’t ever deny that he loves her, I know he loves her but just not the way he loves me (or am I deluded here?! Who knows) & there is nothing I can do about it… Or is there!?

I start thinking about revenge, she’s obviously blocked me on Facebook because I couldn’t find her – even under her new surname, which would seemingly mean that she’s seen my posts that were cryptic after we ended the second time but surely if she saw then she would realise who it was about – that it was about him & yet she still married him?! Anyone who thinks I am judging her, you’re wrong. I don’t judge her, I get it, I can’t walk away from him & I don’t have 2 kids & a 10+ year history with him, so I do not judge her for wanting him or for marrying him… But I do ask questions like why would she want to marry him, however don’t think I’m not asking those questions of myself, because I am!

Other options I have, I toy with the idea of putting a little toy on her car at work which represent my nickname that is an animal which she knows – neither of them could look at this animal & not think of me?! Even friends see this animal & think of me! I know they both would… I think about texting his mobile number when I know they would be together… I think all the crazy things I could do – go to her work, rock up at their house… I then wish that I did leave my hair ball or the condom wrapper like I thought about doing, an earring for her to find when cleaning – though he does all the cleaning so I doubt she would find it anyway… I hate myself but I look at their profiles & I just kill myself looking at them… I block them & never look at them again.

I am not able to eat again, my stomach is in knots. Did he go through with marrying her because I walked away? Could I have changed his mind? I mean I knew this was coming, I knew they were planning it, he just got a big payout at work so assuming they used that, but I can’t help but wonder if I tried hard like my friends said I should back in January 2019 when we were in Kangaroo Island, would things be different?! Or would I still be on this path?!

I know what you’re all thinking & I can just imagine the comments that will come out of this post… However I am shattered right now, I love this man with all my heart, I did everything he ever asked of me… I know he’s a liar, I know that he’s played with my emotions, I know that he’s been an absolute ass to me & to his now wife, however I am so into him that I can’t walk away as easily as you all think I should. This fact annoys me as much as it annoys you, trust me! He’s now married & I still want him!

I am fucking angry that 10 days before his wedding, he was fucking me on their couch & never mentioned it to me – it would have been planned before he even started talking to me in August as a stranger & then after I ended it, he said it wasn’t the last time that he’d ever fuck me (because of what I said in the goodbye email.) It was the last time. He was distant & worried about her family coming over from interstate, he’d  told me that, I just didn’t realise that they were coming over for their wedding. Their fucking god damn wedding!

He’s actually married… He’s fucking given her his surname… He said till death do us part to this woman, when I have no doubt that he was thinking of me that day… I hate that she’s got the life that I want & that he doesn’t think that he’s good enough for me. I hate that he doesn’t get the life he wants because he’s too scared to lose his kids or too gutless to choose the life he wants…

FUCK.

So if you’ll recall, I posted a blog a while ago about my wedding day, the wedding day that I always though I’d have, the wedding that I have dreamed of since I was a little girl – well it evolved as I got older but essentially the wedding of my dreams, the wedding that I never saw a mans face at the end of the aisle until I met Noodle… But now, there is no way I can ever get married. To anyone. Ever. If Noodle can marry his partner after everything he went through with me, then marriage means absolutely nothing.

I am so sure, that Noodle was thinking about me on his wedding day. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. Even if only he allowed it for a split second, I know he did! I always thought that on your wedding day, you would be so committed to the person you are saying I do with, so in love with the person that no one else could ever enter your mind. The fact that he loves me, & said he loves me to my face only 10 days before this & he married her anyway, makes the dream of my wedding just shatter… I will never get married now, as I know, that if anyone ever does propose to me, Noodle will pop into my head, I know he will even if I am not in love with him. I will think of Noodle on my wedding day & I don’t ever want to do that to another person. It’s not fair & I feel for his wife – honestly that is worse than having an affair! That’s fucked up & I am so destroyed by this news.

Ironically, just as a side note, the date that Noodle married his partner, is the same date that Doppelganger married his partner too… (Update on Doppelganger, they no longer come to my gym! Thank goodness!)

FUCK.

#IBD4U

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