I’ve always wanted to get married. 100%, hands down, I always thought I would. I never thought I would be close to 40 (yes scarily, I am close to 40) & not even close to having been married. I definitely never thought that I would have only ever fallen in love once in my life either & only technically had one boyfriend. I’ve not always wanted kids of my own but I knew that I did want to get married, that I wanted that special day with the person I love – not that I knew what love was till recently. Maybe that’s why when I pictured my wedding day it changed a lot & the man would never have a face? He was always tall with dark hair in my fantasy, despite me loving blonde dudes, I have only ever had “relationships” with men with dark brown hair, ironically. But it was always about the wedding, not really what the wedding represented.
For my wedding, when I was younger, I always wanted the big white wedding, with the big poofy dress, I wanted that big day, with hundreds of people, lots of presents (from a gift registry that I got to walk around the store with a scanning gun!) & a giant 4 tiered cake. When I was Boyfriend, I thought about marrying him, of course – we owned a house together, I thought that the house was more of a commitment than a wedding to be perfectly honest. But I never really imagined anything but the wedding with him, I never thought about the marriage or what our life would be like, it was more about the wedding day & that special moment. However as I got older & older – with no marriage in sight, the dream changes a lot.
I’ve never really talked about a wedding before, my dream, my fantasy wedding – what I would do, what I picture, what I’d wear all that type of stuff. I didn’t picture a face on the man I wanted to marry until I met Silverlining. My dream changed when I met him & fell in love with him & started planning my marriage to him. My marriage, not wedding. It became this thing, it wasn’t about the wedding, I won’t deny I didn’t want a wedding because I did, I do. However, the dream was beyond the wedding day, I planned our life in my head post wedding. It wasn’t just about the immediate future, it was about our lives together & I think that’s when things change for me.
The wedding became, in my head only of course, a small intimate affair of only about 40 or 50 people, if not less than that. It would be at my – correction our house, that I own now, we would have done it up together, using the money we would’ve spent on a wedding, on renovating our dream house together. I know SilverLining told me ages ago that he wanted his wedding at a winery. I always thought this was weird being he doesn’t really drink wine, so I don’t dream of this wedding day at a winery – anyway this is my dream, not his. Hahaha.
To start off the day, I would wake up next to him, there would be none of this bad luck bullshit people go on about. We would start the day probably by fucking & getting ready together.
I would be at the event to greet the guests in a green dress, my hair long & curly with my white Jimmy Choos that I’ve never worn ($750 shoes in my wardrobe), he’d be there by my side, his hand on the small of my back as we had some canapes made by my talented cousin who has a catering business in Melbourne, I’d ask her to do everything food wise for me. As the sun was setting the twinkle lights would come on, I’d go get changed into my slim line gown which has a deep V in the front & back. Our celebrant would be my year 7 school teacher who I reconnected with on the cruise a few years ago, I have a photographer picked out who I’d bought a picture from at a flee market once & then I followed on Facebook for years – we would do no posed pictures only candid snaps, I hate all that shit of looking down at the bouquet, or worse the picture of the bride & groom kissing under her veil. OMG! NO.
Our cake would be a cheese wheel tower & a macaron tower of different green maraons. When the time came I would walk down the aisle to a song cannon in d major with both my parents by my side. His kids would be there of course, a little flower girl & page boy (whatever they’re called these days). Our families so proud & happy for us that we are truly happy together – especially his family that he is truly with someone supportive, loving & caring. He would kiss me when I got to the end of aisle, none of the traditional waiting till the end of the ceremony, I have been with him long enough, I don’t need to wait till the end of the ceremony to kiss him. I hate that awkward moment when the bride gets to her groom & they just stand there looking at each other, I want a moment with my soon to be husband. (Even though we’ve probably had sex this morning! & kissed a lot today. Hahaha)
During the ceremony we can’t take our eyes off each other, we are so in love, so in tune with each other, nothing else exists but us. He is looking at me just like she wants in that movie 27 Dresses. Like no one else in the world has ever looked so beautiful. We say those vows, vows we write for each other. It would be an amazing day. When we kiss again at the end when they say you may now kiss, I know I am kissing the last man that I am ever going to love.
We would eat the cheese & macarons, with a live band that I had selected from my friends 40th birthday, she had her aunty & partner, a two piece, do some acoustic songs & I would have them as the music. There would be minimal speeches, both of us not wanting to have the day drained with the usual formalities of a wedding, no garter or bouquet toss. But there would be a first dance with my Husband. – OMG I love calling him my my husband. My song would come on from my favourite band Muse called Aftermath, it has a long intro & it’s sort of like a scene from a movie, where a guy is looking for someone in the crowd then they crowd parts & there she is… Well that would happen – of course, he’d ask me to dance & we’d dance to this song, he’d hold me close, I would know I am safe & with the man who truly loves me.
Here’s the song for those who like to listen while reading!
(The film clip is a bit weird, but listen to the words & it’s just beautiful.)
After everyone has gone & someone is baby sitting his kids, we’d go to the bedroom or hotel & make love the only way we know how, hot, hard, steamy, kinky & sexy. The kind of sex you all like to hear about, but of course it would be us connecting in the deepest way we can.
He would now be wearing a ring I gave him & I would be wearing his, the most sexy thing for me on a man is sometimes knowing he’ll wear a wedding ring. The rings mean something to me, I know it’s supposed to be a symbol of your love for one another & as corny as that it, I truly believe that wearing his ring is more than a symbol. I know he’ll wear the ring & be super proud to have me by his side for our marriage. The wedding day just a blip in our story but a day where we think of nothing else but each other, about what we’re committing to – what we’ve already committed too. Our lives are already intertwined, even though we don’t have kids together, we have built a family.
So I also dreamed of the honeymoon, as you all know I am a very keen traveller, I usually travel as a backpacker or something equally as cheap, never spending an extravagant amount on any sort of travel I do, however my honeymoon is different. I have always dreamed of going to Bora Bora. I hear it’s super expensive to go, but because we only care about the marriage, not the wedding day, we’ve saved enough to splurge on a week in Bora Bora, in a hut over the sea, that I wear nothing but a bikini & I feel so sexy because this man adores me & thinks I am the sexiest thing he’s ever seen. We’d have room service, cocktails & make kinky love everyday.
Now I know people cheat (obviously) – whoa, way to change the subject from that blissful romantic setting… But I know marriages fall apart – sometimes quickly, sometimes they take a while. I am not pretending it is, nor have not said the word “perfect” in this post at all. I don’t believe that anything is perfect, nor should it be. Our wedding day & marriage would be what we make it. But I genuinely believe that on your own wedding day regardless of anything that happens in the future with the marriage, on the wedding day you think of nothing else than your future with your partner in front of you – the person you want to spend your life with. Nothing else or no one else crosses your mind. The day is perfect in your eyes.
There is nothing more I wanted than to entwine my life with Silverlining & have him call me his wife. Not just because he doesn’t like the word Fiance, but because I am genuinely & legally his wife. Someone he can rely on, trust & be honest with – be equal with, a relationship that includes no games or manipulation. No lies, no tracking phones, no bullshit, open honest communication even when it hurts – we’re good at that because the make up sex is amazing.
I know that this post is all about what I want. I am obviously open to what he wants on the day, such as the winery idea however, this is just my dream, just me hopes for the day. Where ever we got married would be alright with me. We are committing to each other, to be really honest, if he wanted to elope or just do it at the registry office, I would do whatever he wanted.
Our life post wedding, wouldn’t be all roses & rainbows or good times… I know that! We are very different people, but we’ve adapted to living together prior to getting married, me with my neat freakishness & him with is hoarding messy lifestyle. But we work well together. We have his kids week on, week off – unfortunately that’s probably not been smooth sailing with his ex partner, but we make it work & we make sure his kids are in his life as much as possible. Making sure they are in her life too. I never want them to forget either parent.
We are a team. A unit. No hiding messages or deleting apps daily. We are who we want to be. We aren’t happy every day & we might fight sometimes, but we always are a partnership.
As the song goes ‘From this moment, you will never be alone, bound together, now & forever, the loneliness has gone.’