Silverlining

It’s almost a year since I ignored Noodle’s last email to me. (at time of writing, not time of posting this blog – I’m always behind remember!) In blog time we’re at the very end of August 2019 for those keeping track of the timeline here, I ignored his email in September 2018.

It’s killed me almost every day not to write back – not to try to contact him but I have done it – somehow. I still think about him a lot, except when I am seeing someone, I still thik about him daily, but not as much as I do when I’m not dating… The whole Noddy debacle helped me get over thinking about Noodle as much, I’ve seen that there are still shit men out there, which makes it hard, but at this time in my life, I was actually posting the love stuff about Noodle on my blog for you so it was really hard to write & keep the blog going. But it can be so cathartic writing about him, it is hard when I am seeing someone to write too – mainly because I don’t want to remember what epic love I had with Noodle. It was epic for me, but I think every day that it wasn’t epic for him otherwise we’d be together?!

So of course, I am seeing Motocross at this time & I am unsure about what is going on with him – it’s hot & cold or maybe it’s the expiration thing because he’s going back to the USA or maybe he’s just not that into me but I am confused. He’s seemed into me & now is pulling away, I am still on the chat app but I don’t use it as much while seeing Motocross, but for some reason, I just want to chat, so I resort to the anonymous app to get some advice from random strangers – something I haven’t done in a very long time. I’m always scared that I am going to find Noodle on the app – I know he used to use it & I also just haven’t wanted to use it in a long time for anything.

I post something I know will get me a hundred messages from desperate men (hahaha) “Guys: What do you like a woman’s hands to do when you’re getting busy” I have to write busy because the app won’t let me post getting head or fucking or even sex. I chat to a couple of guys & think nothing of a few responses, ignoring a lot of douches. But it does exactly what I want, I get responses & chat to a few to pass the time, taking my mind off waiting for Motocross to message me.

A few days later I post “A guy says ‘You’re the best I’ve ever had’ Is he saying that to get lucky again or does he really mean it?” A guy called Silverlining replies… “If you fuck him like a pornstar , probably yes as most chicks don’t do much , if you just give him normal stuff then he just wants to get lucky again lol” My interest is piqued, Noodle said I fucked him like a porn star, no one else has ever used that phrase with me – ever… I am suspicious of this guy already… The commas not being up against the word is Noodle all over… But the rest of the grammar is correct, the use of emojis, the multiple messages instead of one long one all just screams Noodle. I don’t know if it is, I may never know… But I can’t stop chatting to this person… The app only gives you a name you choose yourself & a age bracket, it’s not his age bracket, but I don’t use mine either. This app is fucked too, I don’t get notifications on it anymore so I have to constantly check it all the time for messages, which is part of the reason why I stopped using it.

I always avoid anything that is like Noodle, however I am drawn to this person, I start easily oversharing with Silverlining, so much so that I am unsure why I am doing it & why I feel like there are things I need to say. If this is Noodle, there are things I want him to know… If it’s not there I guess I am oversharing for no reason. I tell Silverlining about British & Noddy & how they ended it with me, I mean one pretended to live in Adelaide to date me & the other broke up with my via snapchat. He tells me that men are good manipulators & will tell women anything to get them into bed (I know this already) however he said if I’m already fucking them regularly such as Motocross & they tell you that you’re the best they’ve ever had, then they’re probably not lying. If they’re already guaranteed sex, then they generally won’t lie about the sex being the best if it’s not. Apparently, according to Silverlining, that’s kind of sacred, you don’t tell a chick she’s amazing if she’s not. Really?! Guess that makes sense. He keeps telling me not to doubt myself, I should believe this guy (Motocross), I tell him what bad self esteem I have & he says “Well you sound like your own worst enemy , your probably a fucking amazing person and doubt yourself way too much” Fuck, it just seems like Noodle! How does this guy even know me, know that I doubt myself way too much? I wonder if it is Noodle, I wonder if it is him, does he think it’s me?!

He’s asking me lots of questions about Motocross, I tell him that he’s currently living overseas but here staying with his parents while here for work, so there’s an expiration. He tells me to believe what Motocross is saying about how good in bed I am, He asks if I now believe that I am the best after chatting to this random on the anonymous app. Do I believe Motocross just because a Noodle type character says I should?!

Silverlining also doesn’t ever ask for a photo. Which surprises me, most guys ask within 2 messages even though I’ve posted about relationship advice – they always still ask for a picture. This guy doesn’t ask for a picture at all & just keeps the chat going offering advice – which is advice I already know, that because I’m so desperate for a boyfriend that I am ignoring all the warning signs. He doesn’t say it like that, but pretty much sums it up. I also realise that I ignored Silverlining when he replied to my first post about what a guy wants a woman to do with her hands when fucking – his reply was “Touch our bodies, either our dick if we are kissing , or our arms or even nipples haha , we are not much different to women” Hmmmm… That makes me think thinks is Noodle even more! What is he doing still using this app! FUCK.

I tell Silverlining that I don’t think Motocross is a liar, he does seem genuine when I’m face to face, some guys I can tell there is something not right, but my gut instinct here doesn’t raise anything – I mean there are some red flags, I get that – I’ve picked up on that, but my gut usually can identify when a guy isn’t genuine or lying or if I’m never going to see them again, I don’t ever get this vibe from Motocross, I don’t think he’s ever just saying stuff to get me into bed – clearly as we’re not even having sex. He pretty much has always done what he says he’s going too & the man is seeing me 3-4 times a week – sex or not, he’s locking in the next date. Yeah we may not be having sex every time but that’s not a bad thing, it is?! I don’t hear from Silverlining after about 5:45 pm that day – the same pattern as Noodle… Maybe a coincidence?! Or am I just looking for clues that this is Noodle?

After the cuddly evening with Motocross, I go back to Silverlining for advice on how Motocross has said something similar again about me being the best he’s ever had. Silverlining asks me how many guys have told me I’m the best they’ve ever had. I said 3-4 but now I can’t really remember who said it, I know Noodle said it & Motocross, but who else?! I know someone else has said it to me too… Just can’t remember.

Silverlining then asks what my hottest session was, now I have a few things go through my mind, if it’s Noodle, he wants to hear that he was the best, which he was, of course, no contest but then again I don’t want to boost his ego plus if it is Noodle, do I want him knowing it’s me? That will give it away, maybe that’s Silverlining’s game here?! I just tell him that I had a kinky dom who I like restraints with & we did pretty much everything, I mean could I really narrow down the hottest time I ever had with Noodle!?

He tells me that I need to share one, after saying I like restraints & that guys tell me I’m the best, so I say that there are too many, but I choose the second time that Noodle & I ever fucked, where I tied myself to the bed & waited for him to come find me… That was pretty fucking hot considering it was only the second time I’d ever fucked Noodle & literally the third time we’d ever met face to face. I mean maybe not the hottest, but was pretty fucking hot in the infancy of the relationship. He says “That does sound pretty hot , Lucky guy ! Haha your such a tease , you say there is no way too many to remember.” Hmmm the spaces between the commas… FUCK… It’s totally Noodle?! Especially since the grammar is perfect expect for your.

I have told him that I think something is wrong with me, so he asks why I would think that, being this guy has said I’m the best. Well I mean any guy can say I’m the best, but still must be something wrong with me, I’m still single FFS, they always date me for a while then end up with someone else… He says “Plenty more fish in the sea” but then says that I probably hate that saying, which I do & that I probably hear it all the time, which I do too. He tells me not to get too attached until I’m allowed to, I ask when am I allowed too? & he says when a relationship is possible… Interesting, isn’t a relationship possible?! He says that his advice it to have the awkward conversation now before the end of the arrangement (AKA expiry date of Motocross going home) I tell him that I’m not attached but I do want to see him as much as we can & Silverlining says that it sounds like I am attached & that I need to be honest with myself & then him! That’s fucking annoying advice because it’s 100% what I need to do…

Like an idiot I can’t stop chatting to Silverlining. I am desperate to know what is going on with him – if this is Noodle, I am desperate to talk with him… There are also things I still need to say. I was doing so well. I was moving on but the fact that Motocross is pulling away from me, I am confused & stupidly, I can’t ask Motocross what we are! Why am I always emotionally retarded? Is this why I never get what I want from men? I’m certain that there are some lies or just white lies with Motocross but I don’t want it to end so I don’t want to ask him what the deal is because I know there is something not right with the relationship we have – if you can call it that, but stupidly Motocross is the first guy since Noodle that I can actually see a real future with, but I’m not even sure why that is, since he’s probably lying to me.

#IBD4U