Silverlining #9

I will be honest with you (which I always am way too honest here but you know what I mean, hahaha) I struggled so much with the decision to write the Silverlining chapters of my #IBD4U story. It’s not easy writing about something when you know what has actually happend in real life. Good or bad. So I wasn’t going to write about this at all – gloss over it, skip a few months, especially since I know the reaction from some readers already. This is going to be hard for some of you to read now we know who he is, this is going to be hard for me to write, this is just going to be hard – moving forward! But remember, you are reading my diary, none of us can change it! This is emotional for me too, I have been through a lot, not only with Silverlining in the past, but think about all the douches I have dated since, no winder I am still in love with him.Imagine being my friend in real life & living this shit with me?! How many said what you have said in the comments on Facebook. I lied to a lot of people about chatting to him again, about wanting to see him again, wanting to kiss him again, wanting to tell him I love him to his face. For an oversharer like me, as you can may have been able to tell, I am pretty much like this in real life, I dominate conversations & talk about myself a lot (not on purpose, but I have a lot of stories). I don’t often go into as much detail in real life, depending on the audience, but I generally am very open. So lying – not actually lying, but not telling the whole story, to people close to me at this time, is not at all in my nature. I hate it. & maybe that should be a sign that I am questioning what I am doing or know that it is not right. However, nothing has ever felt as good as being in love with Silverlining. No matter how heartbreaking it was, those 18 months with him were some of the best times of my life. Admitting I love him still is so fucking hard, I mean, I don’t want to love him after what has happened, but that fucking heart of mine was opened & now I can’t close it to him!He tells me that he avoided anything on the anonymous app that resembled me, I tell him that I haven’t used the app in months in fear of seeing him, especially since I just assume that he’s happy & over me. “I will never get over you but anyways” FUCK! Why is he still with her if that’s the case?! I tell him that it’s almost 12 months to the day since we stopped emailing, he says that he’s been reading them recently & suggests I don’t read them again if I can help it, that they’re really hard to read.He asks when I worked out it was him, I had my suspicions from the first message when he said something about squirting like a porn star, no one has ever used that phrase with me before. He says he could tell from the first conversation with me but not the first message – he said he never 100% knew but was suspicious, I mean I didn’t know for sure either, but I was super suspicious & was lured in right away. I tell him that I just knew it was him after I saw him at the show, I just knew, but I wanted him to expose himself before I said who I was but I could tell from the times he was online that it was him, it was blatantly obvious.I say that I was glad to get some stuff off my chest that he couldn’t really respond too without telling me who he is, he even says that I got mad when he told me who he was. Well of course I did! I was fucking furious that he has catfished me! I mean he had a massive go at me for apparently doing it to him & chatting to his partner, I mean how dare he do it to me & it be ok! Although I suppose I did know it was him too, but I was 100% myself. Spilling the beans about my Epic Love.But stupidly I have calmed down a bit about the catfishing, I mean this is the man I love – despite what I should be feeling, he makes me fucking angry & calm all at the same time. I tell him that I noticed it was him because of how the commas aren’t ever against the word, there’s always a space, he says he doesn’t know how that happens but he also noticed that I would stop chatting or not reply when I knew he was offline. I tell him that I was never going to admit it was me, I am stubborn, I know he is too so I’m not sure why he’s always the first one to admit it, he even says “Eh someone had to admit the truth and it’s always me first” Yeah because I didn’t want to stop talking to him just yet, I know we need to stop but not just yet! I tell him that I needed him to know somethings about how I feel about us & he says that he has some demons about what happened with us too, so I’m not alone. I also tell him that it was obvious how he kept calling me a loser all the time, he always did that & did that a lot while pretending to give me advice about Motocross. He said he tried not to call me a loser because he knew that was a dead giveaway, which it was, I mean some of the phrases he used, you wouldn’t use with a stranger, but only with someone you knew intimately. He made it obvious that it was him.He laughs about trying to back out once I pretended that I didn’t know what he meant. He says that he tried to back out because he genuinely thought I didn’t realise that it was him.I open up “A year later after we stopped emailing, you are still trolling online for something… It fucking hurts me deeply to know you’re not 100% happy & never will be with her. I knew you knew it was me, so wanted you to think I’d moved on… I’ve told you I’m emotionally retarded. You knew this from day one with me. Was never a secret. Who wants to be the loser still pinning for their married ex whatever, a year & a half after he broke your heart?” I am hurt, I am distraught that he is looking for a connection online, whatever that connection is, he is looking for something & the fact that he’s not coming to me for that hurts. I mean I get that we said we wanted to be friends but lets face it, that never works & we would never be able to be friends. As much as I want him in my life, I don’t think I can just be friends with him. He says he’s not trolling online, but filling time at work. (We talk about our work issues later so I realise that this is exactly what he is doing. Filling time, just like I am.)I ask him “Why is it always so hard for you to realise my feelings for you?” he says that he doesn’t find it hard – which I call bull shit but he says “Why is it so hard to realize yours for me?” FUCK! I tell him that I do know my feelings for him, I mean I am always thinking about my fucking feelings for him! They are always in the forefront of my mind, they are always in my heart, hurting me every time I think about not being with him. He asks “Why do you not think I epically loved you? I loved you so much #IBD4U and it got to the point where I couldn’t hide it from you even know I knew I was meant to. And I will always love you. It’s something that will never go away.” Now is the time to get some other things off my chest, he’s talking consistently with me, I don’t know how much longer it will last, I mean this morning he revealed himself, tomorrow he may not log back on after this or worse he might ghost me… I don’t know what will happen but we still have things to say. I am angry again that he says he’ll always love me, I say “You said to me that you’d never let me walk away, that you were into deep… The first test & you let me walk. I don’t care about the excuses why, if it was epic for you as it was for me then you never would’ve let it go. There was always some doubt about me for you, which is why you chose the way you did…” He tells me what I need to hear & stupidly I know it’s probably bullshit, that this man is a smooth talker, but he tells me “It was a series of unfortunate events and the situation I was in that lead me to the path I took. It was never you. I wish you never blamed yourself. And you had me so close its funny. You had my bags in your house …” & my reply to him, “That’s what hurts the most”, it’s so excruciating knowing how close I was to my potential happy ever after & he tried to change the subject by saying that people will kill me for talking to him – yeah they probably will… “People never understood why I loved you… Especially after what you did to me… No one understands what we went through, besides us… No one will ever understand why I need to talk to you now… I don’t think you even will fully understand it. But I think you need to talk to me too… We both knew it was each other & made no attempts to stop talking.”

#IBD4U