Silverlining #5

So this point in the timeline, Silverlining & I have been chatting a few days, almost a week – it’s very early September. I haven’t been putting in much effort with Motocross so we haven’t seen each other for a few days. I caught up in this texting chemistry again. Maybe like this blog for you, it’s like a car crash you can’t look away from? If you have ever had an ounce of the chemistry I had with Noodle with someone you were seeing, or if you ever n just picked up on the chemistry of the Noodle story, you will understand me when I say, that I can’t walk away from this Silverlining… Regardless of who he is, I may never find out, but I am sure that it is him. I toy with ideas about how I can tell him who I am, question who he is. Will he ghost me?! He’s still talking to me now, I’m 100% being me, I’m being so obvious, he surely knows that it’s me!

This is a precarious situation though, I know I shouldn’t be investing time in this, I know that he shouldn’t be investing time in me (though I can’t help but think he is ready to leave this time) I also know that my heart wants what my heart wants. But I am terrified of so many things, like the fact that he isn’t ready to leave & strong enough to be the man I need, that I am going to get hurt again if he ghosts me suddenly. It’s only been a few days of messaging, but we are back to our old tricks – texting every second we get, over sharing our lives, being honest… But I have to know, I have to see this through, is this Noodle?! Do you believe in signs, do you believe in the universe, do you believe in fate, do you believe in destiny? I don’t think I do, I mean my life has been a myriad of missed signs, fate & destiny & yet, the first person I’ve ever loved & still in love with is back in my life, that is a sign I am not willing to miss. I don’t think this is our time either, I don’t know if this really is him, but I do know that I am strong enough to survive this risk, just as I was strong enough to survive the first explosion with him.

Silverlining over him just kidding

Silverlining asks me what I’ve got to lose at this point showing Motocross some affection, good question, but I say my dignity. He also tells me that EL was told by me that I couldn’t be friends with him so he just followed through with that. I know that Noodle would say that he gave me what I wanted, well I thought he would fight harder for me. Silverlining asks why I told him I couldn’t be friends. “Yeah I told him that (but only because it would hurt to be friends with him & not have him.) He begged me not too to do that. So we agreed we should stay friends & then he cut me off.” It’s true, he cracked the absolute shits at me when I said it would hurt to be friends with him but in the end we agreed to be friends. He says that it sounds like he tried to do the right thing by me. “Maybe he realized it would hurt him just as much to be your friend. I’m sure the epic love thing went 2 ways. You don’t epically love someone on a one way street” Maybe not, but this just makes my heart ache… I say that I am not sure if was a 2 way epic thing. “I’m certain he couldn’t give a fuck what I’m doing now, I don’t know why I care.” I say this shit because I want to bring Noodle out, I also assume that if Noodle was single, he’d contact me, so I don’t think he is, but I need to know I was loved… He says that he doesn’t think people ever forget their exs. I never said that he’d forgotten me, I say that things were different for both of us & that I have a lot of questions.

He says that epic love can only exist if both people feel it, I start to doubt myself more than anything “Maybe I was deluded. I’d never felt love before so maybe that’s just lust & passion. & I built it up in my head” Maybe I did build up our relationship to something more than it was… He says that lust & passion can only co exist with love – really I’m not so sure “Lust is loves poor cousin. Lust is often mistaken for love. Passion is just chemistry.” I am not trying to talk myself out of my epic love, maybe because it hurts to talk about it, maybe because I want it again… I don’t know. “You can tell you loved him very dearly. And I’m sure he loved you equally back just as much. I’m sure this guy hypothetically still loves you and misses you.” FUCK. That hurts to think. I don’t know if that hurts because it could be true or because of who could be saying it…

He says I have some unresolved issues with me EL – Well dur, doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out! I tell him that I am significantly fucked up, I have been to 2 therapists “I always knew it wasn’t our time, timing was always a factor but I did think that in a few years he’d come find me. But he’s also stubborn so pretty sure he won’t, thinking that I’ve moved on. He always thought I was too good for him” I am going to say some things now that are going to hit him, if it changes nothing, I don’t care, I need to say this stuff to the fake Noodle. He asks why EL would think I am too good for him “Cos apparently he’s a geek & I’m super cool. It was just cos of how we met, everyone used to hit on me etc. He was a very jealous guy about me… I mean I was jealous about him too but he was worse than me. He always thought I was fucking other people when in fact I wasn’t… He was insecure about a lot, mainly his looks but I obviously thought he was sexy or I wouldn’t have been with him so long, right?!” We talk about this topic for a while & how bad both our self esteems were, I mean he thought he wasn’t good enough for me at all & I didn’t think I was lovable, it was a doomed relationship from the beginning. Noodle never believed anything I said, so now I don’t bother expressing the way I feel, particularly with Motocross because they don’t listen anyway & he’s clearly waiting for someone better to come along – so what’s the point. I say though, I only have one regret – which you all know – so I know that I gave it my all, just like the song from one of his favourite bands. He asks what it is, that I didn’t say I love you more, I say yes & he just suggests that I am more open with Motocross.

When Silverlining fucks up & says I shouldn’t be listening to some random guy on the chat app, I am certain this is when Noodle will reveal himself. I say “Aren’t we on the anonymous app?” & he just says yeah whoops wrong app… FUCK. I thought he’d totally say it was him then! I know it’s frustrating you guys not knowing, but imagine having these conversations for days being addicted to it but not knowing!

We keep chatting & get on the conversation of me being a rope bunny – but I say it’s not a sexual thing for me but when Noddy came to Switch with me & watched Ripples tie me & drip candle wax on me. Silverlining says “From a guys point of view, I would be so jealous. Especially if my rope skills weren’t as good as his. Even if it’s not sexual for you. It’s a sexual visual act. It would also make me useless type of thing.” Fuck I never thought of it like that! SHIT. However I did chat to Noddy at length about what he would see at Switch so he didn’t get jealous, yet he did… Men are just frustrating! Silverlinging says that even though he’s done some kinky stuff, he’d still freak out “If you told me you did a professional show, I’d shit my pants. Because all that will be going through that guys head is, she has this done by a professional” FUCK. I didn’t think of it like that either! He recommends that I stop talking about it with guys, especially if I am doing rope with some experienced. FUCK… (I mean I end up stopping going to rope all together because of how awkward things get with the play party people.)

Silverlining says that he’s on Noddy’s side for what he did to me. He says that he sent me that snapchat because I made him feel insecure & it came back to bite me, “He repaid you and showed you himself doing a sexual act on another. Subconsciously” Well that’s a bit fucked to be honest, but he does have a fucking point… OMG. I try to explain that Noddy begged to come, begged to watch. Silverlining just says that men are simple creatures “Feed our egos” for example I should feed Motocross’ ego about his money, it’s what he wants… FUCK does he? Silverlining just says to say that find it attractive that Motocross has money. I am no stranger to feeding a dudes ego, I mean I had to feed Noodle’s ego 24 fucking 7. So I know I have to feed a dudes ego, maybe I need to talk about how much money Motocross has? Seem more interested when he says he chartered a jet, rather than literally just saying to him “Man we live very different lives” Fuck I’m so confused.

I tell Silverlining about giving away my show ticket & he says “You gave your ticket away subconsciously because you didn’t want to be disappointed.” I say that it wasn’t subconscious, it was deliberate. I know I am going to be disappointed about not seeing Motocross at the show, so I deliberately gave away my ticket. He says that he’s surprised I can admit that. Well I did 100% know he was going to disappoint me, I didn’t realise to what extent but I knew that he would. He says I need to get him in a room & ask him questions, I say that I am going to do just that, get this guy in a room & find out what it is… However, when Motocross is at my house, it’s the night I am going to ask questions but his dad messages & says come home, so I never get the talk… FUCK…

#IBD4U

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