So I am 99% certain who Silverlining is now… He hasn’t stopped talking to me, he’s kept the conversation going, does he know it’s me? But having said that, I really doubt that Noodle would keep talking to me if he knew who I was!? Or is he a kid in a candy store too, wanting more… Wanting to know how I am, what has happened in my life since we spoke a year ago? Should I say something? I want too. It’s seriously killing me & I keep rehearsing things I could say to him, just drop his name in there somewhere perhaps. But do you know what?! I am petrified that if I tell him that I know it’s him that he’ll ghost me. That will hurt like hell. I also hate to admit this but you already know without me having to say it, but I will say it, I am still in love with him. FUCK. That hurts to even write, even after all this time… I am certain some of you hate him, some of you hate me for my part in the story. I should hate him too but there was something about the relationship with him that will never go away, I think I will always love that man. The variants of that love have & will change obviously over the years, but I am still in love with him. I have thought about him every day & now chatting to him (maybe) every day, I just don’t give a fuck about Motocross anymore at all, which you’re all thinking I needed to do about 20 dates ago! Hahaha. I know that Silverlining or whoever he is like playing with fire… This is a very dangerous game! Do I want to play?! Do I want to find out that this guy is Noodle & he ghost me? Do I want to find out that this is Noodle & he’s in an open relationship again or something else heartbreaking about their relationship?! or worst of all, do I want to find out this is Noodle & he is still in love with me too? FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!
I know how hard it was to get over him the first time because I am still not over him, not even a little bit… So is this just playing with fire? Am I going to get burned? Well, do you know what, this is a risk I need & am willing to take. I told you in the blog Leader Of the Broken Heart about my biggest regret, maybe this is a chance for me to rectify that. The biggest question I need to answer is if I am willing to put myself though this again? You know what, it wasn’t ever done for me when I ignored his email, but we both needed to take a break, I knew that it wasn’t the end but I knew that we needed to stop when we did… He made his decision, regardless of what he really wanted, he made it & we needed to stop. I knew he would come back into my life, which is also why I am so sure that this is Noodle.
I always said that we would be pulled back together somehow, sometime. I just didn’t think it would be on an anonymous app that I’ve barely used in a year, avoiding chatting to men as I always think it’s Noodle, yet now I am certain of it, I can’t stop writing to him… & he can’t stop writing to me, this is the longest conversation with someone on the app in a very long time! The universe has put us in similar places before, this is no different, there is some pull with us. I mean I still don’t think this is our time either, I don’t feel like it is but maybe just maybe, I can say some things that have haunted me for the past year?!
I have to get some things off my chest, things he needs to hear from me. Things I need to say to him & it’ll either smoke him out & he’ll tell me it’s him or he’ll pretend it’s not him. But this stranger thing is perfect, a perfect opportunity – pretending we’re other people. & if it’s not Noodle, then I will get it off my chest & move on, if it is Noodle, then I can still get those things off my chest but unless he wants to reveal himself, he can’t say anything to me. I am prepared for this, I am prepared for the hurt this may cause me. But I need to, I want to see this through! If not for me, for my readers! Hahaha – Sorry I shouldn’t joke. This is going to be painful but I have to do it.
The morning after the Royal Show, I wake up to find a message, several messages from Silverlining telling me that he has indeed trolled online for the sake of interaction & friendship, that he has given woman a false sense of the idea that they can sleep with him when he actually won’t. Then he says he’s going to do a guessing game with me & says “I’m guessing your a single woman in your 30s on the anonymous app who comes home to an empty house , and a empty bed your a hopeless romantic and struggle with dating , you accept what you can get and try and make it work & when it doesn’t you blame yourself. So you use the app and the online chat to fill that void in your life” Well fuck you if this is Noodle!
This group of messages makes me think that he also knows it’s me… He knows that would hurt me, the worst things I think about myself he’s now telling me…. He’s a fucking prick, still! After all this time… I can tell its him by the way he types, with the spelling your instead of you’re. The way his comma’s are a space away from the word, the times of day that he’s online – though there are a few odd timed messages, I’m assuming to throw me off the scent, just everything about the way he types screams Noodle. The banter & the conversation has never flowed like this with anyone else but him, ever! I am more certain than ever that this is Noodle.
I am a grumpy bitch in the morning & also I have just seen my ex boyfriend with his partner at the fucking show, so when I wake up I am in a fucking bad mood, this message pisses me off! What a wanker, I decide to hit back where it hurts “Well you sound like an asshole. You’re in a unhappy relationship & by the sounds of it, you don’t have a lot of friends either so of course you’re trolling online for what you’re missing at home. I don’t need to ask questions to pick up on that.” I tell him that if he was single, he wouldn’t be trolling online for friends, no man has ever wanted to just be friends who was using this app or any other app for that matter. But I tell him that he is right about me besides I don’t believe in happy endings or fairy tales. This blog has proved that!
His reply doesn’t surprise me “I’m not sure I like our guessing games” That confirms it… It has to be Noodle & I’m addicted again & waiting for his replies. Fuck I hate not knowing, I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want it to stop, but I also don’t want to know it’s not Noodle… FUCK. He says “Sorry for being assholish honest with you” I know that he feels bad but I have him pegged like you wouldn’t believe! I tell him that I think that we only get one great love in our lives & that I’ve had it. That I won’t settle for just any loser I also know that I won’t have the type of love ever again in my life. He say that he does “legit” feels bad for saying that but he never claimed to be a good person. He says that I have lowered my standards, which I don’t think I have, I tell him that I haven’t lowered my standards of finding that epic love, one that changes who you are, one that you feel with every breath – I don’t think we have that twice. Now I have only loved one person, so i can’t even ever imagine loving someone the way I loved him. So correct me if you don’t agree, but I don’t think we ever have the same love with another person as we had.
He’s still pinning his hopes on Motocross though, saying he could be my next epic love story, but from other things Silverlining has said, Motocross is not interested in me. Silverlining then asks why I am not with this Epic Love (As I start calling him), I say that we had a lot of issues “To cut a long story short, if I had’ve been more open, things would probably be different. Yes I blame myself.” I tell him that I feel like I do it with every guy, I get scared of getting hurt so I shut down, self-sabotage “I am a loser. I don’t need a random guy on the anonymous app to psychoanalyse me to figure that out” I beat him too it, I don’t want him telling me I shouldn’t blame myself, I do – I mean not entirely but obviously I played a part… I mean I should’ve said so many things to Noodle, look it may not have changed the outcome, I will never know that, but then I wouldn’t think what if, what if, what it, so if I ever get another chance with him, I will tell him every day that I love him.