The more I talk to Silverlining, the less I care about Motocross, which is dumb. Who the fuck is Silverlining anyway? If Silverlining is Noodle, do I want to go there again? If it’s not Noodle then I actually am getting along with him better than I have gotten along with Motocross in 6-7 weeks of dating him & maybe I should be dating Silverling!
I don’t know what has me addicted to chatting to Silverlining, is it the thrill that it might be Noodle? Or is it just that I know I am not 100% happy with what I’ve got so I’m trolling online for something else…?! Am I just like every guy that I’ve chatted too or dated? I’ve told you before I don’t believe monogamy can work, I don’t think we’re supposed to be with just one person, but at any sign that it’s not working out, do I self-sabotage?!
I ask if I can share what I scares me with Motocross without judgement, he of course says yeah “He’s a big kid. His job – he gets novelty cheques & tried to use them as a joke in a shop (I think that’s fucking hilarious), his toys like boats, jetskis, bikes etc… I really like this his personality, jokey & hilarious but I am worried that it will get old – like really quickly. Like annoying… I’m yet to see a serious side” I haven’t told you that about Motocross, I literally was laughing my head off when he said he got a giant cheque & it didn’t fit in his suit case, he likes to keep them for mementos so he brought it home & tried to use it at the airport to pay for something. That shit is funny, but if he did it every trip, you’d totally get annoyed.
Silverlining keeps telling me I am off the market, I deny it… I mean I am not off the market! Lets face it… But he thinks we’re exclusive & not using condoms so I am off the market – I say just because I’ve decided not to fuck others, doesn’t mean I’m off the market, I mean Motocross is being weird. I get that he has some sort of issue, he’s told me he’s been destroyed by women before.
I tell him about my rule & that I don’t message first, Silverlining says that everyone has that rule (even Noodle did) I tell him that I’m trying to change as I figure that’s why maybe I’ve lost contact with some guys in the past & he says “The guys were never really into you haha and that’s why you lost them” It’s like a kick in the guts. I am almost 100% sure that this is Noodle, I have always doubted Noodle’s feelings for me after how he ended it & what he did, coming to my house like a thief in the night, with his mentally unstable partner in the car, to get his stuff back & leaving his key, then emailing me for months afterwards. I also question how much he loved me, I don’t think I will ever get over that, did he actually love me?!
When we’re talking about Motocross never giving me head or fingering me, Silverlining just says that not all men like it & if he hasn’t done it, he probably won’t unless I ask. I am not that bothered about him giving me head – most men aren’t that good at it anyway. I tell Silverlining how amazing my ex made me at it & say “It’s easy, go really deep a few times to get a lot of spit then use your hand for the shaft twisting as you rub up & down, then suck the top & use your tongue. Then every now & then lick from the balls to the tip & repeat” I know that if this is Noodle, he will tell me he’s hard or he’ll say “Shhh you” his reply says “Thanks for turning me on” I just say that I was giving him a tip & he says that I gave him a tip in his pants.
Silverlining tells me I am whipped & wrapped around Motocross little finger, perhaps I am or perhaps I am just willing to put in some effort with a man, ironically with a man who’s not interested in me. The next day after seeing Motocross but not having sex with him, I tell Silverlining that we didn’t have sex, when he says “I’m surprised you didn’t rape him last night” I obviously DON’T condone rape at all however, it was always a term that Noodle & I used with each other – that obviously isn’t used often with randoms for being taken literal, but it just makes me think that this is Noodle even more!
Silverlining tells me not to doubt myself, stop thinking so low of myself & start trusting again. I have told him of British & Noddy so far, so he knows that I am struggling even more to trust men after those two recent experiences. I say “Thanks for that, so helpful” & Silverlinng replies “Look, I’ve chatted to you for a few days but I can tell your not a normal woman , you come across incredibly sexy and smart and your probably so much better than you think you are. So don’t be so harsh on yourself. And if everything is showing you he is genuine then trust your gut. That will usually tell you when something is wrong. And I’m sure your beautiful too.” I tell him that I am the best I have looked but a noob at love. He says that I need to be confident & that I have probably been fine at love.
He asks how many times I have “legit fucked it up” with a man, I mean Noodle always said legit… I just say that I am the common denominator, I haven’t really done anything specific to fuck up any relationship I have been in, like I don’t think I have pushed any men away as such, I may have done the wrong thing sometimes, but I haven’t actually done something to fuck it up. He says he knows that’s what the answer was going to be but he wanted me to say it, he says that it’s not my fault & I shouldn’t blame myself. He tells me I have the sex part down, I just need to work on the feelings part, that most women have issues with the sex part but get feelings really easily… I don’t think that’s true, but maybe it is. I know I don’t get real feelings easily & I have talked to a lot of married men who’s wives clearly don’t give them sex, so maybe it’s a wife thing or maybe I do have the sex thing sorted?! He says that some women just lay there or are prudes, I just need to focus on the affection. I mean I agree, I am good at sex, but shit at the intimacy part… He tells me to show affection & talk about my feelings with Motocross – is he serious?! I can’t do that…As much as I want too, I really am not a feelings talking type of girl. He suggests that I offer a massage, I literally burst out laughing with that suggestion, I so couldn’t do that… I mean I don’t think I’ve ever massaged anyone, well maybe Crows when he made me for 5 minutes with a timer! Silverlining tells me to be affectionate & cheeky at bowling, which is why I wear lingerie to put me in that mindset & I do expect the night to be cheeky, but Motocross’ head isn’t in it as you know & it makes me awkward.
I ask Silverlining if he’s single, since he seems to be offering so much advice about relationships, instead of just saying yes or no & ending the conversation there, he refuses to answer, avoiding the question making a bigger deal about it than it ever needed to be. Considering this is an anonymous app, he could totally lie & I’d be none the wiser but avoiding the question made me realise that my suspicions are probably correct, that I am chatting to Noodle & he knows or suspects that it’s me. FUCK! So when he refuses to answer, I say that he’s in a relationship but not entirely happy, he refuses to acknowledge it again, again! OMG. It’s fucking him… I need to stop this. He is still on this stupid app… FUCK…
I tell a couple of people that I think I am chatting to Noodle, fuck the universe! It’s really hard to admit it to be really frank with you, I mean I know this is not a good idea, but there is so much I need to know, so much I want to say to him… My sister tells me to stop – immediately, my friends tell me to stop. But I am a moth to a flame… I am a kid in a candy store – I just want more…
Silverlining thinks that Motocross is just after companionship & that he himself has trolled online in the past for a companion. I don’t agree that Motocross is looking at me as just a companion. I don’t think men troll online dating for just a companion. Yes I agree that’s what everyone wants out of life, is a companion, I don’t disagree with him on that, however I don’t think that single men on a dating app are just looking for a friend & I don’t think that’s what he’s looking for, however, I may have been friend zoned, I’m not 100% sure on that yet… Stay tuned to find out, I guess. Silverlining thinks that he’s not that into me. I mean if I listen to the book, then yeah I agree, but I don’t think a guy would see you 3-4 times a week if they aren’t into you… Fuck I have no idea what Motocross wants, I really don’t. I’m so confused.
So chatting to Silverlining in bed in the morning, my sister messages me & asks me to go to the Royal Adelaide show with her because her husband hurt his back. Silverlining is replying quickly to every message then stops. Pretty much the same pattern Noodle had around 10:00am on a Saturday when she gets up… As I am getting ready for the show, something inside me says that I will see Noodle at the show – a feeling I can’t shake… Why do I feel like I will see him today? It’s been a year since we spoke (If this isn’t Noodle). I spend a while getting ready to go, with makeup that I wouldn’t usually wear during the day or to the royal show FFS. I don’t have time to do my hair after the gym so I throw it in a top knot & put on a cute headband. We get to the show – I tell my sister on the way that I have this feeling about seeing him, she tells me not to worry & enjoy the day with the kids. I try to relax, but we are there about 6 fucking minutes when Noodle walks casually past me. FUCK! It’s like slow motion in a movie, he’s slim & tall, he now has a tattoo on his arm – just like Doppleganger, that’s new!? – walking pushing a pram with his partner trailing behind him, who I think is staring at me first. I look at his partner & she sees me, like she notices who I am, but he doesn’t seem to notice me or look in my direction at all, however he’s wearing glasses & I can’t see his eyes. I knew they would still be together, I mean he hasn’t contacted me, so I assume that it wasn’t over, but seeing them together really hurts me. FUCK it hurts! I point him out to my sister & I literally go into a meltdown mode. I am shaking, my tummy churns. I can’t eat the rest of the day, I am on edge looking out for them for the rest of the day. Motherfucker!
I mean I knew deep down they were still together, because I’m 100% certain he would’ve messaged me had they broken up but seeing him with her, for the very first time ever in the 2.5 years since it all began with him, literally killed me. I never thought I would be faced with seeing them together, I’ve not even really seen pictures of them together. I am now looking around without even enjoying the show with the kids. FUCK.
Later in the day, standing outside a hall, Noodle is standing there tall & fucking slim as ever, doing something with his partner. I want him to see me but I can’t let him see me either. We have to walk past him to do what we are doing, so I grab my nephews hand & stand up straight (sucking in my gut which is smaller than it was when we were together) then walk past him without looking at him – I am the bigger person here, I am not going to let him rattle me. My sister says he looked at her but not at me. I don’t see him again, which is good however all day I am on the lookout for him. I never relax. I also can’t eat, I feel sick. I have come so far & this is a major setback! What the fuck…
I hate that I am not enjoying the day now, constantly on the lookout because when I stopped thinking about him, he appeared. I wonder if they both saw me? I wonder if she knew who I was? I’m pretty sure her look lingered.
At about 7:00 pm I feel relieved, like I can feel that Noodle has gone home that I check the anonymous app & there is a message from Silverlining waiting for me – I’m 100% certain this is Noodle now – does he know it’s me?! I can relax now. Noodle has gone home! Thank god, I don’t need to be on edge anymore. Fuck why is my life such a joke!! I finally have a nice, cute, single funny man, albeit who doesn’t seem 100% interested in me anymore & has some weird flags waving but I like him & then Noodle reappears?! You can’t make this stuff up, my life it just someone having a laugh, am I in the sims game? You know where you’re in charge of if they go to work etc? Someone is playing & having a good fucking time playing!