Silverlining #8

I know Silverlining (As he will now be called because I can’t handle calling him Noodle anymore) has two kids with this woman, but how is it ever ok that you have to stop your partner from going to someone else’s house with the intent to harm them? Or calling them a crazy bitch when you have chosen to stay with her!? How can he even want to be with someone like that? How can she want to be with someone like him? How can I even want to be with someone like him? I get that I fucked her partner very regularly for 18 months & after she found out about us we still talked for a further 6 months (which I’m not sure she knows that part but surely she has to know that he didn’t just cut someone off she knows he loved cold turkey), but I am not the enemy here. He did that to her, I didn’t have any commitment to her, I have no ties with her, I have never lied to her, I don’t even know her. HE is the one committed to her, disrespecting & betraying her.

This is the part of cheating I hate & don’t think I could get over – to think about what he might be saying about me. I can’t honestly say that if it wasn’t me cheating with Silverlining 18 months ago, it would have been someone else, I do believe he is loyal & not a player, that we got caught up in it by having that chemistry online, I don’t think he genuinely was looking to actually cheat on her. I mean he could’ve had multiple affairs with people on the chat app while seeing me but didn’t & I stopped seeing other people too because of our where our relationship went, our chemistry & our passion. I mean I also hate to think about what Silverlining has told his partner about me, I mean he says he’s told her as little as possible but I’m assuming if he’s calling the woman he’s been with for 10 years a crazy bitch, imagine what he’s saying about me to her!?

I am very well aware of what I should do, what you all will tell me to do in the comments on Facebook after you’ve read this. Some of you get it though, some of you don’t understand the pull I have with him that I need to see this through, I don’t know what might happen at this point, but I have to at least talk to him & get some answers, get some closure maybe? I will own everything I do, I don’t share my story for your judgement or your recommendations, but I want you all to know, I am not perfect, Silverlining is not perfect. Nothing is perfect, I make mistakes & I’m almost sure that what ever happens here is going to be a mistake, but sometimes, we need to make mistakes. Motocross is being a weirdo, I have no idea what his game is & here the universe has brought back the only man I’ve ever loved, the man I am still in love with. I know that you all think he’s a dick & hate him… There are personal things I won’t ever share on here about him & I, (I know that seems ridiculous since I talked about our sex life so much, but that’s not as intimate as peoples deep dark secrets) I mean to be honest, posting on the blog about someone you’re talking too is so fucking hard! I was posting the Noodle series when I am talking to him in real life last September & it freaks me out that he’ll find it & read it & hate me for this outlet (Which I know you will all say not to worry but I have shared some pretty intimate details that I can’t take back now.) A guy friend once said to me never to tell anyone ever about this blog, so take it to the grave.

Now I’m scared about posting about him the first time & him finding out about it while talking to me the second time… If he found out when weren’t talking, it’s no big deal but he is back in my life for some reason. A reason that might not be good, I don’t know however he is back & that means something… But I am fucking angry at him, he tells me over & over that he protected me as much as he could. I get more & more furious saying he wouldn’t have to protect me if he didn’t show her where I lived. I tell him he’s deluded if he thinks bring a mentally ill person to my house is protecting me, he apologises & backs down knowing I am right “She manipulated me and wanted to make a point to you. She gave me an ultimatum, I avoided it and didn’t want to do it.” He did fucking not avoid it, he could’ve got his stuff on the way to pick her up in the morning, he could’ve got his stuff back via my sister or just let it go. She wanted him to hurt me & it worked, he did. I ask what the ultimatum was but I already know what he’s going to say “I have to get my shit back on the way back from the hospital otherwise she’s gone with the kids” I tell him that she wouldn’t have gotten custody of the kids anyway, she just pulled a stunt & landed in hospital, to be honest I was super surprised she got out that quickly. He genuinely says sorry about what he did to me, he was under a lot of pressure which I get, I mean she’s not mentally stable, he felt trapped. I tell him that this is why I doubt what we had & how he felt, he just told me himself that men lie, I tell him that he lied to her, me & that I’m 100% sure he used me for sex for a year. He says that “We have always been too honest with each other. I don’t need to lie to you to feel better about myself. I never used you for sex. I fucking loved you. I enjoyed sitting in the car talking to you more than I enjoyed fucking you. I thought about you every moment, you were my fucking world. And I got so fucking close to leaving for you , I had my shit and my kids in your house. I never used you for sex. We were friends before we had sex.” I know what you’re all thinking, what a manipulator he is, how he’s boosting his own ego… But even as ice queen #IBD4U, I melt a little bit, I am literally even more hurt from these comments “Yeah so close, yet so far… You ere so scared of being alone.” He says that he’s not scared about being alone but he thinks of me all the fucking time but he also just thinks I am fucking everyone. I say “Just as a side note, you look fucking amazing… I hope she tells you everyday.” He says he thinks he looks the same & says that I am amazing, I shouldn’t doubt myself. I tell him that when I saw him at the show, he looked good & I wish I told him more. “I hate that I always wrote I ♥ you. I should’ve told you every single time we saw each other. We said it once face to face… Once. I still see your expression when you said it to me that day at my house while holding the baby.” He says that the knows what the heart meant, but like I said it’s one of my regrets with him, I know he knew what it meant, but remember the movie Ghost, when Patrick Swazye only every says ditto?! She knew he loved her but she needed to hear it. Silverlining, always needed that reassurance, I should’ve known better, he needed to hear it.

He says that the thinks he’s fatter than ever, but I say he’s definitely not looking fatter. He says that he didn’t look at me because he felt me over there & thought it would be too hard to see me, but she asked him right away if it was me, which he denied seeing me, she was apparently shitty for about an hour & then he told her she was being paranoid – WOW. But she had also said in the carpark when they got there that they were going to see me. How odd, I mean I didn’t even know I was going when I was still lying in bed chatting to him on the app… So weird that she felt like she was going to see me too! But he says that it happens all the time, she freaks out & says that she just saw #IDB4U (But actually uses my name!) I tell him that I haven’t eaten, stress does that to me & I lost 10kgs when we ended the first time, that I’ve lost a couple of kgs since chatting to him & seeing him at the show, however work is my main stressor at the moment, which is causing me to only be able to eat, as my boss calls my breakfast sludge. An avocado smoothie. The only way I can force myself to eat something.

He says that he’s going through some stuff at work too but he’s been eating a lot & his pants are too tight now. I tell him that I was shaking like a leaf at the show after I saw him & was freaking out that I’d see him again, but I knew that he wouldn’t have stayed for the fireworks, I felt like he’d gone home & so I checked the app & sure enough he had messaged me, so I knew he was home. “Can you do me a favour and get something tasty to eat for lunch” FUCK! He still cares, I mean I know this is fucked, but fuck, the fact that he’s worried about me, makes me fucking melt a little more. I tell him how good my mum was at the show when I was shaking & couldn’t eat, he asks what my sister says about it. I just say that she told me to stop talking to this guy whoever he is, Silverlining says “You shouldn’t be talking to me” I say that I am hyped up unable to eat because I am scared he’s going to ghost me again that it makes my tummy churn. “You shouldn’t be talking to me either…” We really need to stop, not chat… “Nope but yet here we are. #IBD4U Fuck me. Not literally… But fuck… Time is meant to heal“ Well we all know, it doesn’t… I tell him that he was the one that chose to end it badly, it was only a matter of time before we were drawn back together, especially if he is still online. “You really love me that much still?” I want to reply no, I want to tell him he’s an asshole that I hate his guts. I want to hate his guts, I want to hate everything about him but I just fucking don’t. I wish I did, I know this is stupid but I can’t stop my fingers from typing “As much as I don’t want too, yeah I do love you.”

FUCK!

#IBD4U