Some of you get it & some of you don’t! Some of you are saying here we go again, some of you are excited like me about the prospect of this being more than another affair or just getting some answers or closure. I don’t know what it is going to be, if anything. But man oh man, I want to see Silverlining. But can I see him just once more & be ok? Will all those feelings come rushing back? I mean they are already back but if I see him will that change things? Will I be as in love with him as I once was? Would it change anything? Has the time apart changed anything?
I’ve made it no secret that I haven’t gotten over him & never will, he’s said the same to me too, so it shouldn’t be a surprise to any of you that I am back here again, regardless of the reason, I am back here & I am fully prepared for what might happen.
Silverlining is still telling me what a burden he would’ve been on me, his debt, having to live with me rent free, his kids, He says that he has too much pride & is stubborn – this I know! He says that he was surprised that the chemistry came back so easily too, but that’s how he knew it was me he was talking too. I tell him that he wouldn’t have been rent free with me but we would’ve made it work, I was in no way going to pay off his debt for him but we would’ve worked it out. I tell him the kids weren’t a burden for me, as much as I don’t want kids of my own, I always pictured his kids with my family & living with us week on week off, if she allowed that, I guess. He says that it was nice seeing me that day with his kids. I tell him again that it wasn’t up to him to decide what I was willing to take on, I knew what I was in for, to be honest, the debt & kids were the least of the worries, what worried me more was the crazy woman who knows where I live & where he would be living. I didn’t care about the debt or child support, all that stuff is just part of life, but the nutso that would probably drive past when we had the kids or try to keep them from him would be the hardest struggle for both of us, however I was prepared for that. He tells me that he did make that decision for me, that it’s not my fault & I blame myself way too much, he has self-esteem issues, which I know he does. I say that if I hadn’t of been protecting myself & he knew that I was having fantasies about living with him then he I wouldn’t have any regrets. He says that he doesn’t think it would’ve changed anything, after she pulled the stunt, he pretty much says that he wasn’t going anywhere – not in those except words but I know because he’s said the same before.
Since he’s mentioned before that he read our emails again recently, I am reminded of the gifs & videos I sent to that email so that he could keep them & watch when ever he wanted being that he couldn’t save anything on his phone or anywhere else, this email was & is something she doesn’t know about. He says “Yep … The gifs omg … Let’s not talk about that … lol. I actually just got a semi thinking about them wtf” I laugh & remind me of the hottest one where I licked his cock from the balls to the tip & then sucked it in while in front of the mirror. All he replies with is my name. I literally burst out laughing & say his back. He says “Seriously. Shhhh. Just had to tuck my cock into my belt ffs” I haven’t thought about those pictures for a long time, having deleted everything off my phone, I still have it all on a USB in case something happened to me, my sister would have them but at least it wasn’t easy access in my cloud or something. I say that “We had some good times… White dress, car wash, you in your suit, pool table…. Hmmmm!” & I know what he is going to reply, it’s my name with extra letters of my name at the end like IBD4UUUUUUUU. “I’m going to have to jerk off to you next time bitch lol” I tell him that we were always very sexual & every time we fought we just fucked & it was ok. “lol seemed to solve our issues. Seriously tho … Don’t make me want to fuck you so bad lol” I know he’s added the lol because he wants it & is testing the waters with me, to see if I’d do it, without asking. Would I fuck him again? I’d definitely see him, which I’m pretty sure would lead to sex eventually, I think it’s inevitable to be honest with you, if we even meet for a genuine coffee (not that either of drink coffee). It’s not a good idea but I genuinely think about it.
I remind him about the one & only time we fucked in the car to the song Periscope. That I was desperate to tell him I was madly in love with him but even though we were nose to nose, sharing the most intimate thing a couple can do & listening to the song that made him realise he loved me & I couldn’t say it. He says “You should of told me. I do wish we had held hands … I’m surprised we never did. I tried to hold affection back so much from you. But lucky for you I always gave it to you“ He did always show me more affection than I showed him. I played with his hair sometimes in the car, but didn’t know if he liked it or not. He says he struggled but he did it. I struggled & obviously still struggle because I can’t show Motocross any affection. I tell him that the last day I ever saw him at my house & I was rubbing his back, that it took everything I had in me to do that. I tell him it was hard for me, I mean I was the other woman, always feeling never quite good enough, you know because if I was good enough, he would’ve left her. He says “Like I’m such a loser , I even went and got you a pack of cheezels once after fucking you” I remind him “That was like the sweetest thing ever… I loved that you did that.” He says that he didn’t want to get too attached, neither did I & he didn’t want me to get too attached, he says “Massive fail there” we both got attached, the cheezel thing was very early on, like only about the 4 or 5 time that we fucked. He says “I rubbed your back a lot … and clit.” I say that there isn’t a part of my body he hasn’t touched, he tells me not to talk about touching my body because his hard on just died down. Then he says “I loved the way you cummed … The way you squirted. Ok. It’s back again …” I say that he’s the only man I’ve ever looked in they eyes while fucking before. He says that he struggles with looking anyone in the eye & I remind him that we did, not early on but we did look at each other a lot, when I begged him to let me cum when he was teasing me, or the first time we came together on the couch, I said that was when I realised we were making love, even though the sex was hot, sexy & hard. “Fuck how early were we making love” He replies with an emoji. I say that I’ve never cum with another guy before at the same time, but I think we had feelings for each other before we even met. He says “Umm. I’d agree with that. There was a strong connection there. We really liked each other. It’s not often you cum with someone at the same time. That’s a rare connection. You can’t deny I didn’t love you now …” Yeah I guess so, that’s a rare connection but if I had it before with someone, which it sounds like he hasn’t, then I’d never want to give that up. I didn’t want to give that up. I say that clearly that connection is still present, but I just find it hard to believe he felt like I did if he was ok to give that connection up. He replies “Really because men don’t pack up there shit ready to leave their wife for no reason. Or for good sex… “ OMG I’m so sick of hearing he was leaving her for me… I snap “You did that cos she went through your phone & found messages (Saying he still loved me to someone else on the chat app) Not because you wanted to be with me” He can’t deny that. He wasn’t leaving her till his partner went through his phone & he hadn’t deleted the chat app. “It was the final nail in the coffin … Final push I needed. I wanted to be with you dumbass.” Yet he went back. “Things get complicated sometimes” But the truth is, he didn’t believe my love for him, that’s why he went back, now it’s his turn to snap “Would you shut the fuck up . It wasn’t that. Stop fucking blaming yourself.” I know that he was scared of losing his kids, there was no way after a stunt like that she’d get awarded custody. But he says that he didn’t want to take that risk “And now you know why I ghosted you because of this. *waves our connection around*” I actually laugh at the thought of him waving his hands around. He says he had to ghost me. I remind him how angry he got at me for suggesting that we ghost each other if the affair went pear shaped, he went nuts at me. “Well what do you expect , I was madly in love with love with you. And the only reason you wanted to do it was for the SAME EXACT reason. So don’t judge me” with a smiley emoji. I literally smile at the fact that he is now all uppity about it. He says it’s a bad idea what we’re doing right now. I still struggle to believe he’s thinking about me still after all this time, I ask what he thought of reading those emails, he says his standard “No comment” I tell him that I’m not accepting that & he says “You poured your fucking heart out. They are hard to read. But I know you loved me very much . More than I ever could have ever imagined. You talk about raising my kids , a wedding … I knew after those emails how much you loved me. Haha no sex was mentioned tho. But I found the gifs too” He tells me not to read the emails if I can help it, even with his lack of empathy they were hard for him to read. I tell him that I did want to marry him & have his kids in my life. He says that he knows. But I think he only knows because he re-read them, I’m glad he did because at the time, I know he would’ve just read them & his self esteem would’ve stopped him from believing anything contained in them, now that he has perspective, he can actually read the content without being negative about what was going on in his life. It’s actually a relief to be honest, regardless of what happens next, I am thankful he’s re-read them & thought about how I felt back then, how I still feel…