Silverlining #35

I know you’ve all be so supportive & tell me not to say sorry for not getting my blog out. So I won’t apologise but will let you know over the next week you may not get a blog written by me but maybe a guest post, but there are so great posts coming, so keep checking back. When I get time & the inspiration to write, I will! I promise. Writing is my escape, it’s just a hard time to be inspired right now! Lets also be fair, I think that Tuesday will be late too! I will try to write it so you don’t just get a guest post, but I will see how I go. This week is a bit full on with other work I need to get done!

So SilverLining & I move over to the other chat app & I think I’ve said this before but I realise that he’s already added or had added 2 other friends. I don’t know why but this makes me so fucking jealous! I guess the thing is, this man has very limited time to give me online, I’m not stupid enough to believe that I get his undivided attention, I know I don’t, clearly. But I also know this is the type of interaction he craves too, not just from me, but he does want it from other women. He seeks their validation that he is good looking, fit (though he’s not as fit as he was) & that his got a good sized penis. I know that his partner didn’t give him this type of validation for a while there & why he started looking online for it, we all get into a rut in relationships. I even did the same with Boyfriend, I used to messaging him cute things but then when we lived together, it drops off a lot! Men & women still crave that beginning part of a relationship all throughout the relationship but we forget to do it because we are no longer chasing them! So my tip for you now is to send your partner a cheeky message, like you would have in the beginning & have a little flirt with them! Not only is it fun, but it will keep the spark alive… I will admit, I do love when SilverLining says something that makes me feel special.

I tell him that I must be slipping down the list, being that he’s added all these other people – lets calm down, it was only 2. He says that he just joined & wasn’t sure how to find me on here yet, this app is confusing. I have a profile picture up of my face & he tries to distract me with “That pic of you is soooooooo fucking cute. I love it.” OMG, I am always surprised when he tells me how good I look to him, I never understand it to be honest. I am not wearing any makeup, I’m not smiling, in my the car, I can’t even remember when I took it or why I took it. “I think it’s one of the cutest hey” Of course it makes me melt & he tells me how cute I am for being jealous! Hahaha… Fuck him.

I lay awake that night waiting for him to message me that he’s back online on the chat app we met on, but I wait & wait & wait. It’s almost 11:00 pm & I am sad that he’s not come back online tonight, so I quickly check the new chat app & try to work it out, thinking perhaps he’ll come back online, when I see that he’s chatting in a group on the new chat app, my heart sinks… Usually he’ll just say evening to me, even if I haven’t left a message for him, so the fact that he’s chatting & not chatting to me really hurts me. Like I said, he craves the chats & the validation, so I get why he chats to others, it makes me jealous of course but I get it & don’t want to control him so I would always be sort of ok with it, as long as he wasn’t hiding it from me. But this hurts me, he’s blatantly chatting to others & not bothered to check if I’m awake or online – I notice that he’s been chatting in the group since about 10:00 pm, a whole hour I have waited for him to come online & he’s not bothered to say anything to me at all. My heart pounds, I start crying – which is so unlike me but I also have just started my period, which doesn’t help, but I send him a irrational message “Why aren’t you talking to me?!” He just writes back huh, there’s no read receipt on this app or that a message was delivered, so I can read it & formulate my replies but it doesn’t help, I become even more irrational, “Sorry. I’ll leave you to chat in your group.”  I am so hurt about this… I don’t know why but I am, it’s stupid of me to expect 100% of his time, I mean he has a partner & family FFS. I never get 100% of his time, I barely even get 50% of his time. So I can’t understand the irrational thoughts when he comes online, the time he has to devote to me & he is chatting to people in a group that he doesn’t even know & not chatting to me. I don’t know when he comes back online unless he chats to me, so I can’t just keep messaging him like a loser!

He writes Hi, like a dickhead & then says that he thought I’d be asleep. He knows I stay awake every night to get in a bit more chat with him before we go to sleep. He asks if I am spying on him which makes me more angry so I just say “Don’t worry Silverlining…” his reply annoys me more, my heart I pounding “Fuck you’re a needy bitch. Hugs”  I know he’s trying to make me laugh but I say “Don’t worry I won’t bother you”  & I put my phone down, feeling like a child for acting this way but fuck it is so annoying & so I try to go to sleep, but he messages me a few times while I ignore them obw rthd course of 20 or so minutes “You don’t bother me. Oi. You suck. Where is my #IBD4U. OMG. You suck so much. Dear #IBD4U. You have your own little chat group that you chat in all the time. Don’t be all jealous. I just assumed you were asleep. I still message you first, every morning btw.”  I know he does message me a lot but he’s dropping off a bit too. I know he is still with her & not planning on leaving so he’s protecting both of us by doing so, but this is just frustrating. I remind him that I am up every night like a fucking wanker waiting for him to come back online, checking the apps constantly thinking he’ll be back soon to chat. I know that he says good morning every day mostly, he is up before me, but I have had to say good morning first a few times.

I say that he’s been chatting in the group for ages & he has the audacity to ask “Which one?”  I call him a cunt, I can’t believe that he was staying so far away from the first chat app & wasn’t going to go on the second chat app & is now chatting in several groups. I shouldn’t be surprised, I mean this man is a liar, he lies daily to himself & his partner. I am so angry & hurt,  I never thought he would be like this with me. I guess it was only a matter of time, but this time he’s been sweeter to me than he ever had in the entire time we’d been together… He tells me that I am mean, he was invited to a few groups & he joined. “I don’t lie. I didn’t mean to be a cunt. I’m sorry. Fuck whatever. You’re the last person that can criticize me for chatting in groups”  Oh no way is he going to turn this around on me, “I’m not criticising you for chatting in groups Silverlining. I’m fucking sad because I wait up, excited to talk to you when you come back on… Turns out you’re on & didn’t even try to talk to me…”  He snaps that he thought I was asleep & that he’s going to bed, but I don’t want to go to bed fighting with him because I know I won’t sleep. “Silverlining. Please… just understand. I fucking burst into tears when I saw you online & I was waiting for you to message me.”  I don’t understand what he is pissed about. “I’ll make sure to message you in future ffs”  but that’s not what I want, I remember with Max how I didn’t want to be an obligation, I don’t want to be an obligation for Silverlining to message me. “I don’t want to you to HAVE to message me. But I’ve had a fucking shit day & want to talk to you. Fucking upset me you didn’t even message. And yes I’m fucking jealous you were staying away from the chat apps & now have a million friends on there & now on the new chat app.”  I hope he sees that I would never normally admit that I am jealous & he understands. “You chatted to me all day. I’m going to bed. I’m sorry okay.”  I just say night & he sends a puppy gif that is giving puppy dog eyes “Forgive me… Chat again soon… ps. I did try to chat in your lame group.” I don’t reply & I don’t tell him that I love him, which I hate… I just put my phone down & try to get some sleep.

I don’t sleep well that night with all the work stuff going on & the one person I want to talk to about it didn’t chat to me last night, so I was awake until 2:00 am & woke up at 5:00 am refusing to message him. Like a stubborn fucking idiot. I lay there dwelling on the day ahead of me, what will happen at work – my second day back after 3 weeks off, what I will have to do today, what hoops will be required. I know that he will message me when he wakes up but I am grumpy when I wake up, my stomach is in knots over work & I know he will calm me down & make me smile when he does message me. “Morning cranky pants” & I smile at about 6:00 am, I knew he would. I reply straight away & he says “Fuck you’re up early”  I explain how little I slept last night worried about work & upset I wanted to talk to him, he asks if he upset me that much & I say I say that I wish I could say no, but I was upset, he says sorry again but I know he probably doesn’t mean it. “When did you get some emotionally retarded? I really changed you hey?”  He did, in more ways than one. Before the L word with him, I barely cried, I was a heart of stone, now I cry about work, I cry when I get my period. I am just an emotional mess. I tell him that I am  a retard & I love him & want to chat to him, even if he doesn’t want to chat to me, I hate that I wait around for him & get jealous of the other friendships he’s made on the apps “I do want to chat to miss emotional retard”  I laugh & he keeps playing the card that he thought I was asleep. I remind him that he was so concerned about how down I was yesterday being back at work & how I was being treated, that he chose that night to think I was asleep & not even try to message me. He tells me that chicks usually sleep in these situations. Well, he knows I am not like his partner & that I don’t sleep 23 hours a day when I am stressed. I apologise too because I am being emotional but I also think it’s justified in this situation “I do love you as you will always be one of my best friends.”  I know he does love me it makes me feel better to hear him say it though, I tell him though I am trying to start my day better but I got to work & vomited from stress. FUCK. He tells me not to stress but it doesn’t help, as you can imagine.

Anyway as we chat throughout the day when we can, he reminds me that we can’t have the same relationship we had before, he says he can’t chat to me daily & can’t see me weekly. I know he can’t see me that often, especially now I am back at work & he’s about to be unemployed, there is not a lot of options. I tell him that he will message me everyday as he is addicted to me. “I was hoping to not get addicted to that.”  We get onto out favourite topic of how good he sex is between us & he says that it makes him want to see me again. He asks what time I finish work today & I say 5, it’s Tuesday so he’s working late as he always did, he’ll be at work later tonight & I know what he is thinking. I tell him that I could be at his work around 5:30, if he can have a break that late… I tease him enough telling him how much I love the taste of his cum, that around 4:00 pm he asks if I am ok for 5:30 pm. I know that I need to see him, even though I only saw him a few days ago & as I leave work, I am messaging him telling him he is so cute & that I am on my way but I look like shit – I don’t think I have ever looked this bad for him before. I instantly feel better on my way to meet him. I ask where to meet him & he says when I am close by that he is at the petrol station that we once fucked in the carwash.  I am instantly calm when I see him get out of his car.

#IBD4U

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