For those of you who don’t follow my Facebook page, you’re probably wondering where I have been…
I don’t really know where I have been but it’s not in a writing space Hahaha. What’s happening to me right now is not dating related & I wish I was more up to date on my stories because writing was always my escape – my time away from what is happening in my real time life.
During the worst break up I’ve ever had with Noodle, I was still posting three times a week about how in love I was with him, all the while knowing it was over in real life – this is one downfall of writing retrospectively. Yet I was still able to write, work full time, go to the gym & travel for work. Yet I was completely crushed & devastated at the time & I was able to write.
I hate that I am not writing.
This is a weird post because it seems so personal, however you all know so much about me, my sex life, my love life & yet this seems too personal. But here goes, I was terminated from my job. You all know how much I loved my job & how much I travelled for work, how much I sacrificed my personal life for my work… So it came as a compete shock to me when I got the letter & without going into too much detail, I’m not happy about it for many reasons.
So why during this have I not been able to write? You’d think I’d be posting daily since I’m not working at all… But it doesn’t work like that!
While we were working from home instead of the office due to Covid, I obviously had to work in my own office space I’d created in my small spare room for when I was at Uni. That space has now become a room I hate, a room I felt chained too, I had panic attacks walking into it even if I just need to get a pen or peice of paper. So in my infinite wisdom I decided to switch the big spare room & small spare rooms around. Que renovation!
When I thought things had settled down, I realise in hindsight that this was a stupid move. My once pristine show-home looking house was now a hoarders delight with goat tracks (as I hear they’re called) of beds & boxes, furniture from all three bedrooms in every spare space I have.
So I pull eveything out the two rooms & start by painting, this is a good time for a fresh lick of paint. But why stop there? I decide to rip up the carpet – I have owned my house for almost 16 years & this carpet was here when I bought it, so time to change it right. Why not do my bedroom at the same time because it’s dumb to do just the two bedrooms, que stripping my bedroom bare too!
At this time I am also doing a course, I have no job & had nothing to do, things were semi settled, so why not jump in & do some upskilling.
But things get supremely worse & I end up having meltdown after meltdown, I do not know how to paint – turns out I’m a terrible painter… Plus not having a house to clean (my anxiety stress release) things get worse & worse that I even stop showering daily or cleaning my toilet. I stop getting out of bed if I have no reason too. I stop writing. I stop going to the gym. I alienate myself from friends & family because it’s just easier. While I love their opinions, the problem is that eveyone has one & everyone has a different one – sometimes I just don’t want to hear it though!
But during this renovation, as if I don’t have enough on my plate, that I find salt damp & a ceiling that is not attached to the beams. I find that my fences that are also going to be installed soon don’t come in the same colour as the new shed – which will look ridiculous. Nothing seems to be going my way! But there is a carpet deadline, it’s coming, deposit has been paid, I have to get the painting done, fix the salt damp & ceiling… FUCK EVEYTHING.
So I enlist some help of some fabulous friends to help me paint, we get it all done (& some extra areas too) by the carpet install deadline & some family help me restore my house to some sort of order by moving the furniture back.
So now my new office is in the big spare room & my spare queen bed is in my small spare room – it’s tight in there but eh, it’s not used that often! I no longer have anxiety walking into the small spare room, I can now breathe a little better in my own home. I still have anxiety attacks but not about being chained to that little office. I still have a few things to sort before I am back on track, but I am on a path to recovery (for lack of a better word!)
Thank you for all the kind comments & messages though this time. I honestly can’t believe that this has hit me worse than a break up with the love of my life. But my career was eveything to me… It sadly was my major relationship – in fact the excess travelling cost me some relationships, if I’m honest. It’s weird because I’ve been on a salary since I was 22 so it’s so odd not waking up everyday for work…
I hope to be back soon with some proper blog posts.