The next morning Noodle messages me & says good morning & then sends me a bunch of messages about someone on the chat app chatting to me even though I am not online. He says “Hmmm clearly he’s in your good books. Has a better body than me too. Should fuck him, he’s local too.” I wake up to that, like really. I’m fuming… What a fucking wanker. “Yeah, well I might. ” I know this will piss him off he replies “See told ya, I’d support you. Good for you. You got much planned for today? Cos I could probably see you for lunch if you wanna catch up” You know I want to say no, you know I am desperate to just get rid of this guy but like the drug I’m addicted too, I can’t. He’s at the barber that takes forever to cut his hair, so he’s got some time. But I say that he knows I do want to see him & he replies “Never know might have better options” which pisses me off even more. Why is he pushing me away, I know I need to walk away but I don’t want to, this is so fucked. I say “Stop fucking being a douche” but he says that he’s trying to help me but in honesty he’s just making it worse. “How would you feel if I said to you ‘I don’t want a future with you go fuck someone else?!” he says that’s exactly what I said to him yesterday, which is bullshit. I didn’t say that at all, I think my desperation for a future with him is what has got me in the this mood & the fact that he’s telling me that he’ll support me no matter what I decide & now he’s telling me to fuck other people. Is it a test? I have to dig deep with him to get him to tell me what I said that could possibly be interpreted as I don’t want a future with him. He says “You said you have a timeline to end everything & never talk to me again. Essentially delete me from your life.” Does he not realise that the timeline & no contact is to protect myself. “Yeah because I can’t have future with you… I can’t be friends with you if I can’t have more with you. & the timeframe is only cos I can’t walk away. I’m trying to be reasonable here… I get there’s a baby on the way. But if you still feel the same way in a few months, then I have to move on. Not because I don’t want a future with you but because you don’t want that with me.” Maybe one day he’ll get it? “Do what you need to do, I’m not gonna feed you lies or string you along either. I would love a future with you but yeah things are too complicated in my life for that. But anyway. Moving along now. Both of us have fucked each other over catching feelings & yeah not gonna end well now by the looks of things. Oh well I’ll live. & you’ll have 1000000 guys ready for ya so you’ll live too.” I start crying. I could totally punch him in the face right now. I have to put my phone down “Can we talk at lunch?” I am going to end it at lunch. I have too. I know I said I had timeframe, It’s the end of March, I was planning to wait until the baby was a few months old & closer to my birthday in August, but I am now balling my eyes out. This is so unlike me to be honest. I never cry & I definitely never cry over a man, a man I never had to begin with. I think that Noodle deserves to have a face to face break up with me, as much as it will be hard, I would want the same. Not that I am probably going to get that, I will try to give that to Noodle. “I’m scared you’ll delete me” I get that he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, being I am like his only one. But I also can’t be his friend, as much as I want him in my life, there is no way I can just his friend after what we’ve been through. He’d never be able to see me for lunch or a drink. We’d still have to sneak around & I just know, the junkie that I am would want one more hit of the good stuff. I’d get pulled back in. “At least you can say that you made the great & powerful #IBD4U cry!” with an laughing emoji. He apologises & asks me to pick him up. I put my makeup on carefully, trying not to cry, but I have to keep telling myself that, If I’m crying over stuff we’re saying to each other then it’s time to end it.
I pick him up from the shops near my house, where he is supposed to be, he leaves his phone there & we go to our Mexican place for lunch, where we’ve had lunch before. Sitting there opposite him, having cried all morning, I struggle to get the words out that this has to be over, I know he can feel it too. I’m sure he knows this is the end for us. I mean he asked to meet me for lunch, he didn’t ask to come to my house to fuck me. We both know that this is the end. We eat in almost silence. Just looking at each other, can he see the pain in my eyes? I can see something in his, I mean he never cries obviously being a macho man but I have to look away.
I’m trying not to look in his eyes, but we can’t stop making eye contact with each other, we finish eating & before I know it I’m asking “How much do you want to fuck me right now?” Where the fuck did that come from? You’re supposed to be ending it, not fucking him, he says he wants to fuck me a lot & next minute we’re driving in my car back to my house with his hand on my leg. He fucks me over the kitchen bench hard & fast. Well that went well… Well done!
OK, that has to be it! One last multiple orgasm with him! FUCK. I’m so stupid! Why did I fuck him. I drop him back at his car & somehow I get the words out to ask him if he wants me to come with him to do his errands. He says no, he’s running now & I think because he is supposed to be out buying his partner a birthday present. It’s her 30th tomorrow, so assuming he doesn’t really want his mistress there for that, even though I did give him some ideas of what to get her.
“How cute you wanted to hang with me longer” he messages as I pull into my driveway again, I mean really, he still doesn’t realise that I want to hang with him, for more than just sex! “Well I figure that was the last time we’ll hang out. Thought you might want some company with your errands” I just want to spend time with him. “Would have been nice if we hadn’t had lunch or fucked. Which I preferred to do. I didn’t mean to blow you off sorry. Didn’t think you were gonna ask to hang with me for the rest of the day.” I feel like an idiot for even asking now, so I wish I didn’t. ”Don’t worry. We should just keep it to sex & sexting” I don’t even know why I say that, that’s not what I want. ”I would of been happy just having lunch & talking to you… Didn’t have to have sex. My fav part of tues night is chatting to you.” Oh fuck, that’s been my favourite part too… I tell him that I was planning on ending it today at lunch but I chickened out. ”TBH thought you were gonna do that last night. It’s why I jumped in the front seat. Had a bad gut feeling. As if you were gonna end it today with me. Then changed your mind & wanted to hang with me for the rest of the day. WTF. LOL. Wasn’t expecting today. Eh you might as well fuck me till something better comes along. Then make me jealous & end it that way” I don’t want to make him jealous at all, I go to great lengths to make sure he doesn’t get jealous! ”I assumed you had to go home again, so you jumped in the front seat… I thought we could spend one day together before it completely ends… But doesn’t matter. I don’t want to make you jealous so you end it. But I do need to start seeing other people.” What a joke, as if that’s even going to be possible! ”Do whatever you wanna do. Like I said just be easier just fuck other people & forget me. You can end it thru text. Be easier. Rather you just end it.” OMG, he wants it over? ”You want it to be over?” I do need him to fucking end, because I have done so well with that so far! ”Nope but you do so theres no point. If I want it over I’ll end it. It’s gonna end eventually. I’m struggling to contain my jealousy as it is (due to my personal confidence issues) so yeah. Might as well do it nicely.” We’re both fucking retarded. ”If I really wanted it over, I would have ended it. But not going to do it over text. I don’t want it to end AT ALL… I want you.” how can he think any different ”Not what I’ve been feeling” Is he insane? How can he be feeling that I want to end it. I mean I know I have said to him that I need to end it but there’s a big difference about wanting to & needing too. I ask him why he thinks that & he says it’s just a feeling he gets. ”That I don’t want you? I come see you at the gym at 10 or later, I pick you up from random places so I can see you… I stay awake all hours to try to get a minute to talk to you… But no, I don’t want you. I’m also crying cos I told you I had a timeframe because even though you have told me time & time again you won’t leave, I still stupidly hold this hope you will so I’m trying to give you more time… But you respond with do what you have to do” Like does he really not get it, is he that insecure? Or is that I am not giving him the reassurance that he needs? ”Ok, maybe you do. Argh, don’t wanna make you cry #IBD4U. Guys don’t make you cry grrr” Yeah he’s right, guys don’t but this does! This is killing me. ”I’m stupid for thinking he just needs more time. I’ll give it to him but if he still feels the same in a few months then I have to be smart. But when you respond with shit like that, I think he’s never going to change his mind, why am I hanging around & I should be fucking other people.” Even though it’s not what I want ”Your not stupid for thinking that. Wishful thinking isn’t stupid. Have you not seen my stupid cheesy smile around you lately” Yeah that stupid smile is the fucking reason I’m in the his mess! I love that smile & I love the man smiling at me! “I am. You’ve never given me any indication that we could have future so why do I think it’s just timing?! My other option, that I couldn’t say, was that I give you the time but I see other people (which lets face it, hasn’t gone well in the last year anyway!). Because I don’t want to lose your friendship… That’s what’s actually making me cry TBH.” I can’t imagine my life without chatting to him everyday to be honest. “Ok, how’s about you start seeing other people & yeah we be friends. & avoid having sex. If we can…” This is the dumbest idea since we started this supid affair. “OMG… How are we going to be just friends & not have sex? Just work out with me?” This is never going to work “Well stop doing it a few times a week?” I tell him that I don’t want that & don’t think we can do that & he says that he doesn’t want that either but just wants me to be happy. We agree that I will not fuck anyone from the chat app, he says he’ll be too jealous, I agree that I don’t want him fucking anyone off there so I get it… But I will try to see other people, which I know how this is going to go. I don’t want to fuck anyone else. “I actually don’t want to see other people but I’m so invested I keep going insane when you don’t message or can’t see me when I want.” I do get insane, I know I do. He gets jealous of me chatting to other people & I guess I get jealous when he doesn’t show me attention because he’s with his family. “I’m sure if you fuck some other people you’ll find something new to invest your time in. I’m a total loser, not even sure why you fell for me. Rather not lose you as a friend” Urgh I hate when he says stuff like that. “You have no idea how much I want to beg you to pick me. I don’t think you’re a loser. But I don’t want to lose you as a friend either.” Urgh are we really doing this? “I don’t want to hold you back. Live your life #IBD4U. I’ll survive no matter what you do. Go on dates, fuck other guys, meet people off the chat app.” OMG, is he fucking kidding me? “Alright, I’ve had enough of this convo… Cos now you’re being a douche.” WTF? We are just stupid “I don’t ever want to stop being friends with you. It’s why I’ve been so douchy. It fucked me off that you wanted to just delete me from your life. Like really fucked me off.” OMG, I didn’t realise that would upset him that much! “I don’t want to do that, that’s the only way I can get over this… I want you in my life but if I can’t have you the way that I want you, I don’t know if I can move on, if the carrot is always dangled in front of me…” His reply infuriates me “Plenty of other carrots to try” I tell him that I don’t want other carrots & he says that he has to go, what a fucking surprise. Before he goes “Just yeah wanna stay friends if we can. But fuckk I love fucking you too. & still work out.” Am I stupid to be considering being friends with him? Can I even be friends with him?