I must be stupid because not only am I working full time in a very difficult, time consuming job that requires me to travel, I am also studying law part time but I also sign up to upgrade a certificate 4 that I have that has been superseded. I am now basically studying full time as well as trying to fit in the gym, my friends, my family & Noodle. I decide that to get the course done for my certificate that I need some time off. I also hope that I will see Noodle, but I don’t see him for another week since we had lunch together – the day I was crying like an idiot, trying to end it. Our conversations have been horrible, but it’s stuff I think we need to say. I know you all think I don’t think about her feelings, but I think about her more than you know. More than I tell you… One of my biggest fears when I do get in a proper relationship is that I will be cheated on & refuse to believe it. I do think of her, trust me. & I fucking hate how far this has come with him…
Noodle did say we wouldn’t fuck as much or speak as much, so maybe Noodle he’s just following through on that by not coming back online at night, saying he fell asleep or not being online at all during the day. When he used to sneak a message into me when he was in the toilet or when he was picking his son up. Now I just have radio silence for hours. Is he trying to pull away after our conversations? Is he trying to piss me off so that I end it? Lucky I’m not a crazy lunatic that would go to his house & tell his partner everything. As much as I wish I was that nuts, I am never going to do that & he trusts me to not do that, just as I trust he’ll never let her know who I am if she was to find out about this affair.
He says that his partner is going to be induced this Friday & she’ll be in hospital overnight on Saturday with the baby, he won’t have his son so he wants me to come over, he wants to fuck me at his house again. I ask why he isn’t staying at the hospital but he says they don’t have beds for partners in the public hospital & he’s arranged for his son to be at one of their parents houses. This is not a good idea but I can’t resist. I can’t fucking resist… I am a horrible person, don’t think I am proud of even thinking about this.
I spend all day Saturday putting in stupid cheap ass hair extensions, doing my makeup & I’m putting on the nurses outfit that he gave me for Christmas, the super high red heels that I bought, big hoop earrings (that I consider leaving one behind for her to find… However I’m not like that either. I wish I was sometimes! That would end all this bullshit once & for all.) & I’m going to meet him at his front door with a stethoscope & ask him if he called a nurse. But when he messages me to say his partner has been sent home, he apologises profusely. I’m surprised he didn’t just log off & ignore me like he usually would, or like Dom would do, he does try to message me & when she goes to bed, he spends a lot of time telling me how much he wanted to see me tonight. I send him a picture of how good I look & he sends me a picture of his hard cock. But I’m deflated & so I take out the hair extensions & wiping off the make up like Bridget Jones when she ‘goes home to de-bunny’ when she peels off the eyelashes. I feel like a fucking idiot. I’m such a fool.
Sunday he messages to tell me that they have had a healthy baby girl, but doesn’t tell me her name. I ask if everything went well & if his partner is ok, which she is – I don’t wish her ill, I just wish she’d break up with Noodle (since he won’t leave her) so I can have him. Hahaha. I don’t ask what the baby’s name is because I figure if he wanted me to know he’d offer that info. It’s weird he doesn’t tell me when he told me the baby was born, this guy is my best friend right? Why wouldn’t he tell me the name of his child? I mean it took months for him to tell me his son’s name, but this is now a year later, I’m sure we’re close enough that he can tell me her name? Plus he says they’re the reason he won’t leave, but he doesn’t ever really talk about them!
He says that he has his son tonight but he wants me to come over anyway when he’s asleep. Of course I’ve been at his house when his son was there before but I still feel a little weird about it, so I abandon the nurse idea, not only because his son is there but I feel foolish for making a big deal about it yesterday that I can’t make a big deal today. So I just opt for jeans & a singlet – Noodles most hated outfit for me. I don’t do that on purpose & not that he notices but that’s all I could feel comfortable in today.
Noodle kisses me instantly as I walk in the door, undressing me in the doorway before leading me into his bedroom, their bedroom. I’ve never been in there before obviously, last time I was here, we stayed in the lounge room & just had sex on their couch – they haven’t got the new one yet or I’d suggest we christen it. I don’t get much time to survey the room before I am on the bed which is just covered in a sheet, no quilt or pillows before Noodle pushed me on the bed, telling me that the sheets are clean (well I fucking hope so.) We have sex, but Noodle spends a lot of time just lying on top of me kissing me. I fucking love this. Fuck it’s been so long since we were in a bed, it feels so good to have him just lying on top of me, kissing me so sensually. It’s the longest time we’ve had together in ages, there’s no rush, we won’t get interrupted, I don’t think about where I am, our hands are everywhere, it feels like this is how it should be all the time. Slow & sensual, not rushed fucking in the backseat, we usually get with each other. Noodle doesn’t take off my panties, using them to pull up against my clit to get me off, he loves doing that, pushing them aside to fuck me, I’m not sure if guys do this because they also like the feel or like the look or are just keen to stick their dick in. But it always makes me feel sexy when he fucks me without taking my panties off.
Laying there with Noodle afterwards, there is no rush, he gets up to get us a drink & I finally look around while he’s gone. They have a lot of stuffed toys stacked in the corner – that seem to go halfway up the wall. I didn’t picture her as a little, but I guess maybe she is?! Their room is quite full of crap, just like the rest of their house, there is a ironing board right in front of 2 doors that go off their bedroom, assuming one is the walk in robe & one is the bathroom. I lay there thinking I am the worst type of human right now when he walks back in & gives me a drink of water, looking at me with a look that can only be described as love. I give you permission to vomit. Hahaha.
He lays on top of me again, kissing me, I love feeling his weight on me, his manly sexy body taking over mine. He slips his hand under my panties & makes me cum so easily, like I can’t even understand how he can do it quicker than I can do it to myself. He sits up & slips my panties off me but rubs them against me, I am not sure what he has planned but he is fingering me, I feel something else, what does he have? He’s using my panties almost covering his fingers sliding inside me. Fucking hell that is hot. He gets me off again, using my lacy panties inside me. He tells me after that he’s never done that before but just felt like it would be hot. & fuck it was, I haven’t had anyone do that to me before either. I love when he thinks of things like that that surprise me, he thinks I’m so super experienced in kink but really, I am just as new to it as he is. I sometimes think that we’ve done everything, that we’ll get boring but then we do something & I’m reminded that we have so much more to explore.
He lays down next to me & we cuddle. Fuck I have missed cuddling this guy – in a bed. His hands run all over my skin when he moves his hand to my neck… He squeezes it gently & it kind of makes me make this weird noise that makes him do it again, I start squirming against him as he does it over & over, taking his hand away but then bringing it back to squeeze my neck. We’ve talked about choking & how I want to try it but am a little scared, but as he starts to do it, I am moaning & without actually begging him with words, my body is begging him for me, which spurs him on. I trust him & I know he will go slow & react as my body reacts. He sits up again, holding me down my throat as he slips his other fingers inside me, making me squirt like he hasn’t done before with his fingers. I am spray squirting & cumming so much that I am concerned about how wet his bed is getting. I am feeling like I should be more quiet than I am considering where I am. We lay there again after I’ve cum, this time I’m lying on my back, Noodle is next to me, I am enjoying this long slow session with him, it’s hot & sexy, even though I can’t really believe where I am right now. I decide that I am going to suck his cock, something I do pretty much every time we fuck anyway, but this time I can use both hands & lay comfortably. At one point, I remember vividly, him saying “OMG what are you doing #IBD4U” & I almost stop because he never says my name to my face & I am not sure if it was because he isn’t enjoying it but he cums pretty quickly in my mouth that I realise I have just given him the best blow job he’s ever had. Which is what he says when he opens his eyes again. Hahaha.
We lay there hugging & talking, he says that he wants to ask me to stay the night. OMG, I want to so badly. I would love nothing more than to spend the night in his arms, set an alarm for early in the morning, have sex again & sneak out. There is nothing I want more, he knows this is my ultimate fantasy, it’s the thing I want more than anything out of every sexual fantasy that I have, the only one I want is to sleep next to Noodle all night. I tell him that we shouldn’t & he says a disappointed ‘yeah’, but he knows that I am right to say no. Even though I am dying for this fantasy. Absolutely dying. I am dreading getting up & walking away from him right now knowing he wants me to stay. But I do, I get up & get dressed, hating myself for not taking up on his offer, however I know this is the right decision. Sleeping over is really crossing a line…
The next day Noodle & I don’t talk a lot obviously as he’s down at the hospital early & picking up his partner & baby (that I still don’t know her name). It’s starts to make me think of how Boyfriend said to me when he was leaving me that I didn’t know him at all. I always thought that Noodle & I were best friends, I feel like I know everything about him but he is keeping this detail from me. I don’t know why it is bothering me but it is. Am I being pathetic?
I decide to just ask him, for fuck sake, if he won’t tell me maybe it’s because he thinks I am not interested. He knows I don’t want kids of my own so maybe he thinks I don’t care about his kids. Which isn’t true, I mean I have always asked about his son, probed him for months to find out his name & ask questions about him. I always think about his son playing with my nephews, who are all the same age. Now he has a daughter about a year younger than my nieces. I can imagine them all playing together when they come over my house. This is a little ridiculous but I think that his little family will be in mine someday. A hybrid family with his kids.
I ask him what his daughters name is & when he tells me, I ask why he didn’t tell me. He says that he was dying to tell me but didn’t want to seem like a loser. I can’t even believe that he would think I could ever think he was a loser at this point. He says that it’s like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders now that he’s told me her name. I actually want to hug him so badly right now. I do struggle though to believe that the kids are his number one reason for not wanting to leave her when he doesn’t even fucking tell me their names! I also struggle to believe that I am his best friend when he doesn’t even want to tell me their names or send me a picture. It’s not like I’m a weirdo predator, I want to see him with them, I want to see what his life is like outside of me. It’s like he’s trying to keep me separate from his life. Maybe he’s smart to do that…