I can’t let this go. Noodle has some reason why he didn’t tell me about the kids names & I struggle to believe that I am a priority for him. He finally sends me the first picture of his baby girl & I can see why he’s in love, but can’t see why he’s not willing to be open with me about it. I start to doubt our friendship, about how he feels for me, I feel like I’m not good enough or not really his friend at all, I feel really low right now. So insignificant to him… “Your fucking amazing #IBD4U. Don’t ever & I mean ever think your not good enough. Your so kind, loving & caring. The sexiest woman I have ever fucked. I know you’ve struggled in the past, but your good enough for any guy. Don’t think less.” I feel a little self-conscious now “Anyway… just saying you should talk about the boring things too if you really want me to believe you.” I want him to talk to me about more than sex, food & the chat app people. “I’ll take that into consideration. I do regard you as my best friend. Don’t want to be all boring.” He then sends me a picture of his son holding his daughters hand while she sleeps, his son is looking lovingly at her & Noodle captions is “My son fucking loves her.” He really does, he looks super adorable & it makes me yearn, not for a baby of my own, but for these kids & Noodle to be in my life full time. He finally opens up telling me “I’m legit a boring person. My only hobby is video games which I don’t really do much anymore haha. & I have one other interest that is embarrassing & I’ve never told you” What could it be? I mean nothing is more embarrassing that telling him the other day that I like watching the Batchelor. Nothing can be worse than that! Now if it was actually embarrassing, I probably wouldn’t share this part of the story with you, but I don’t think it’s that embarrassing. “Ummm, I watch professional wrestling. Don’t laugh at me” I tell him that it’s not embarrassing or that unusual for a guy. He tells me that he needs to work on opening up. I mean it’s been over a year, we’ve chatted every single day & seen each other weekly & I don’t really know this guy. Do I? I tell him that his boring stuff is what he claims to be the reason he wont leave his partner, yet he won’t talk to me about it. He realises that he needs to open up more.
I haven’t seen him all the week, I get it the baby is only one week old, he can’t really sneak out & go to the gym, also his partner isn’t breast feeding so he’s been helping out with feeds. He’s been barely chatting (my version of barely chatting is only chatting to me for a few hours a day! Hahaha) & going to sleep early so not even coming back online at night, while I wait around like a tosser.
I finally see Noodle for the first time since we fucked in his bed, we meet late at night at his gym in the car for an hour. I missed him so much, he’s not been chatting as much but fuck I miss him. This whole next week Noodle does the same thing, he chats in the morning then never comes back online. The reason why this pisses me off so much is because I am waiting around for him to come back online & when he doesn’t I toss & turn all night wondering what he’s doing, if he’s ok, if she knows about me. I mean I go insane! We did agree not to talk or we each other as much, I didn’t see it at the time but that’s what we agreed, now looking back I realise he was just following through. I know I’m defending him, but he is also scared I’m just going to delete him. He’s pulling away, so it doesn’t hurt so much when I do.
On the following Thursday morning he says “Morning Banana pancakes” but I am in no mood to be cute, so I just say morning as I get ready for the gym, I actually put my phone down & don’t look at it willing a message from him, like I usually do. “How have you been? I’ve missed chatting to you” I don’t read it & 20 minutes later I get another message from him “You up to much this morning?” I take another 15 mins to reply as I’m driving to the gym “Just about to go to bootcamp” I know I am being shit, but I am sick of always being available for him. “You like your morning gym, don’t you?” I tell him that I just prefer the harder classes & I say “Have a good day.” I put my phone in my bag & work out for an hour. I figure he won’t come back online for the rest of the day like he’s been doing lately, chats to me for a short time in the morning then disappears. I’m sick of changing my whole life for him so I just decide to work out & forget him. I get several message from him “That’s it? You don’t wanna chat anymore? Have a good day? Damn you can be stone cold sometimes.” & 10 minutes before I finish at the gym another message “Was gonna ask you if you wanted to meet today after my hair.” I reply “I’m not stone cold, I said have a good day cos I was going to the gym & you’d be offline & won’t talk to me till tomorrow” He is offline & doesn’t read it. But I rush home & shower, getting ready assuming since he’s invited me out that he’ll log back on & message me soon, so I’ll want to be ready. But my first instinct was right, he isn’t going to talk to me until tomorrow. 3 hours later, I still have nothing from him, so I write to him again “See… I got your message, raced home, had a shower, washed my hair, got ready in record time, waiting for you to write that you were done & to meet… Now I sit like a fucking fool, 3 hours later, also crying like a fucktard because you didn’t even bother to tell me your plans so now I miss out on seeing you again… & now you won’t chat to me either.” I am such a fucking idiot! I spend the rest of the day in turmoil. The thing that fucks me off is that he can log off & not think about me for the rest of the day. I walk around not wanting to put my phone down in case he messages to say that he’s free. I have so much study to do & all I’m doing is thinking a out Noodle. Now I’ve missed an opportunity to see him because I was being a bitch because he’s been busy. Fucking hell I’m an actual adolescent! I do consider texting him, but I just have to trust that he really is busy.
To my surprise at 11:15 pm, he comes back online. I want to ignore him, I want to roll over & fall asleep, but I know I can’t. I won’t sleep if I don’t sort this out & maybe he’ll be at the gym, I can go meet him?! Fuck. “You didn’t really, did you? You didn’t seem very interested in me this morning” Why would I say I did it, if I didn’t? “Yes I did. Because you’ve been making me feel like shit… Didn’t walk around with my phone in my hand like I usually do when getting ready.” I know I am being a nutso here, but I can’t help it. The man I love is pulling away from me & barely chatting to me. “Sorry didn’t mean to make you upset” I know he hasn’t meant too, but he is. I know this is hard for him but I can’t help it. “You’ve upset me this whole week. Have a go at me for ignoring you… What do you think you’ve been doing to me?!” I can’t believe that I am being like this with a man who has a brand new baby only 6 days ago. What is wrong with me? “I haven’t ignored you…. Chatted to you when I can.” I don’t believe that “I still call bullshit on that Noodle. Since 10am you’ve not been alone for one second to speak to me?! You’ve done it all week” This is nuts, no wonder he hasn’t talked to me all week… “She hasn’t napped this week…“ Oh whatever “You message me when she’s not asleep” He used to find time, but now he doesn’t. “When I can… Hasn’t been many opportunities this week. Don’t let me make you feel like shit. Just very hard for me at the moment. Sorry.” I know this is the problem with dating a fucking married man. “You can honestly say that, swear to god, that you haven’t had a single second to chat to me this week. You’ve been next to her from the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to sleep?! She goes on kindy runs with you? Cooks dinner with you? So tell me what is actually going on Noodle, cos I don’t believe it.” He used to even cheekily message me when he was in the shower or toilet, now all of a sudden he’s so busy & unable to send me a message? Is he trying to pull away? He says that he was going to ask me to go to the barber with him, but I didn’t seem interested in him but he says that he messages me whenever he can “Well if you’re interested which I doubt you are I’m at the gym now. I was trying to communicate to you this morning but wasn’t getting much back. Before you went to the gym” Yeah that’s the thing that pisses me off, so he doesn’t get much back from me so he logs off & disappears. I hate that I am getting dressed before I even tell him that I am coming to see him but I deserve a hug, I s deserve sex, he doesn’t but I do. “I know you think I’m crazy” I am feeling crazy, I hate it. “You are going a lil crazy. Just dynamics have changed a lil bit at home.” I know I hate that, but I can’t help it. I tell him that I tell him a few things about my timeline etc & he changes the way he talks to me, he tells me that it’s the baby not what I said. I meet him at the gym & we connect in the way we know how. Really… Is this love? On my way home, I get a message from Noodle “I miss you too you know” with a winky face emoji. Awww fuck!
On Saturday night, I am out with my friend, the friend I haven’t been able to talk to about Noodle with because her partner cheated on her – every time I’ve raised a married man with her she snaps & I can’t be honest with her. She knows something is up & she probes me to tell her what is wrong. I spill the beans, I explain the whole year of chatting to him & seeing him, falling in love with him, how I want him to leave his partner, but I can’t bare to ask him to leave her – he needs to do that despite what might happen with me. To my surprise, my friend is supportive of me, I think because she saw me start to tear up for the first time since I’ve known her in about 10 years. She tells me that they’ve just had a baby & I shouldn’t push him to leave her. I tell her about my timeline of another 4 months but she says that I should wait at least till the baby is a year old. This surprises me so much, another year of this? Can I handle that? I guess like he said once he’s back at work, he’ll be able to message & see me on Tuesday nights again. She tells me to message him because I look really cute & ask him if he wants to see me. I tell her that I don’t want too because I know he won’t see me, everything is on his terms. However she gets me excited & watches me message him “Are you going to the gym tonight? I’m just on my way home & look super cute… Thought you might wanna see me?” & she sends me home. After midnight I am still waiting for him to even come back online that I get into my pj’s & sulk in bed. Not sleeping a wink.
At 8:35 am, the next day, he finally comes back online, I mean this is from a guy who wakes up at 5:00 am & has a new baby. Like really?! “Nope fell asleep! Aren’t you always looking cute. Morning!” I can’t even muster up a happy response so I just say morning. “Wow. You never ask to see me lately, must’ve looked cute” I can’t help myself “Don’t worry, I won’t ask again.” I’m a fuckwit for even trying. “OMG #IBD4U. You can ask. I shouldn’t have to always ask. I think it’s super cute you were looking good & wanted to see me tho!” Yeah right… “Yeah & then felt like a complete fuckwit for suggesting it.” I snap saying that we only ever fuck on his schedule, he tells me I can say no, which of course I know I can but then my vagina misses out. I can’t deny her. He says just cos he can’t give me the attention I crave doesn’t mean he’s being a dick to me, I tell him “I don’t crave that much attention Noodle. It’s not unreasonable to want a message more regularly than 14 hours from the person I love & supposedly loves me & who apparently thinks about me all the time.” Fucking hell I am nuts. “I message you as much as I can, I wish it was more, really I do!” OMG. Can I really do this for another year? I know it’s different cos he’s off work right now, but can I be the other woman for a whole year more?!