Noodle #48

I can almost hear the list of lies Noodle is telling her now to save his family. The list of lies is to stop her from kicking him out, keeping his kids from him. The list isn’t designed to hurt me or any mistress, but I can tell you that it fucking kills me to think about what he’s saying, I don’t even need him to confirm what he’s said, I already know it.

• It was just sex
• It meant nothing, she means nothing to me
• I didn’t mean to hurt you
• I’m not in love with her, I love you
• It was just one time (or shortened the time to less than it was, maybe months)
• It’s over – I won’t see her again
• I made a mistake
• I’m sorry

I’m almost certain that he’s also telling her that I’m crazy & obsessed with him, I gave him the panties to get him into trouble. I bet he’s not telling her all the details – I mean I don’t want to her to know that I’ve been to their house & that I’ve fucked him in their bed but she deserves to know the whole truth. I reckon he may have even told her that he tried to end it with me, perhaps that I threatened to tell her, so he kept seeing me? I know he’s telling her how much he loves her, how stupid he is, that he doesn’t want to lose his family.

I get I have totally fucked up here & someone got hurt other than me, some of you even think I am getting what I deserve… But you also have to remember, I am single, I’m allowed to be online trolling for men… I just never expected to fall in love with a partnered man who was trolling online for something too. I am not proud of what I did or how things happened, but I wasn’t expecting to be in absolute agony thinking about what he’s saying to her. He’s been with her for 10+ years, I get it. We’ve only had a year together, we’ve both had our guards up most of the time, not letting each other see the real us. I was never going to be the winner here (if there even is a winner).

I wish he would talk to me. I fucking hate that I have no way to contact him & now she knows, I can’t send a text, she’s probably got his phone. I have no idea what is happening & it kills me, if he leaving her, is she kicking him out? Are they working it out? He’s so fucking lucky that I respect him enough not to cause drama, I mean I know where they live, his phone number & where they both work. I could cause so much shit trying to get in contact with him… I want to talk to him. I want to know what is going on. I keep looking out the window every time I hear a car drive past, thinking he’s going to be on my doorstep any minute. I hope for that. I want that. FUCK, I want that so bad.

But his silence today is speaking louder than his words. He’s staying with her. She’s forgiven him for what he did, probably because of the lies & I’m sure she’s believing them, because she wants to save her family too. I don’t blame her for that, hell, I don’t blame him for that either… I think anyone who is told that list of things whether you’re male or female, you know it’s just a line, like ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ or ‘I’m not ready for a serious relationship’ all those bullshit lines people use… These lies are the same, but it works.

For the first time in 14 months, I don’t hear from Noodle on the Sunday, the first day we haven’t spoken… I cry at my family dinner when my brother asks me how I am, just as general question & I can’t look at the family, they have no idea what is going on. They don’t get what is happening, but they are supportive. My mum even stays after everyone has left to find out what is happening. I spill the beans to her. This is something I never shared but my dad cheated on my mum & my mum chose to stay with my dad. I was in my early 20’s so it wasn’t for the kids. But when I say things I know it stings my mum, however she is a wonderful support for me.

I am numb.

I am speechless.

My tummy churns.

I am going insane.

I resist the urge to text him not wanting to make it worse. He loves me, he says he loves her – but like a sister. He told me that he gets angry with his family when he can’t log on the app & talk to me. He get jealous when other men talk to me. He will see the light. He will choose me… Fucking hell this is torture. As if he’s going to choose me! We’ve barely had any time together, we were just getting to a point of being more open & we were actually spending more time talking – it was never just sex with him. We were friends for months first. It wasn’t supposed to be love, but we have undeniable chemistry. Even Sweetie saw it in person, others saw it online.

My family have no idea what is wrong with me, I am like a disconnected shell of a person, I can’t tell them, I mean they don’t even know about Noodle. No one knows that I’ve even been seeing someone, my sister knows a bit but not the extent of our feelings.

I am not present.

I am a zombie.

I don’t sleep.

Am I even functioning?

I of course message him before I got to sleep Sunday night at 7:45 pm “I hate that you haven’t been online to talk to me. I get it but I hate it. I’m constantly thinking the worst case scenario for me & haven’t slept since I got your message on Friday night, in the hopes that you’d come over, even thought you’d be here last night (silly fantasy of getting to sleep next to you all night). I’ve been crying all day today including while my family was here tonight, because I am optimistic one minute then pessimistic the next. So I’ve taken some sleeping tablets cos I have to sleep tonight. But if you need me you have a key. I miss you xxx.” but he never logs onto the app – it’s the first day we haven’t had a conversation.

I sleep that night thanks to the sleeping tablets but not very well, I wake up looking at the chat app multiple times waiting for the greyed out d to turn into a dark d that he’s online & then an R that he’s read my message… But it never happens.

When Noodle finally messages me on Monday morning at 7:15 am, while I am getting ready for work, he tells me without telling me in so many words that he is staying with her, “Shit #IBD4U. It’s been a very tough weekend for me mentally & TBH I’ve avoided being online because I don’t want to say goodbye to you.” FUCK! He’s staying with her… I get angry & say “So you wait till now when I have to go to work?” What a fucking ass!!! He says that he felt like I deserved a message, I tell him that he’s making a giant mistake & he says “I know… I imagine a life so much better with you too… My kids tho…” He tells me what a burden he’d be with his kids & debt. Does he not realise, that he couldn’t be a burden, this is our time. This is our time to have an epic love story.

It’s almost surreal, I can’t fucking believe he waited till I was getting ready for work to tell me that he’s staying with her… He tells me that he packed up his stuff in the car on the weekend ready to come to my house but she got so drunk he couldn’t leave the kids with her. I tell him that my house is always safe for him & the kids, he could’ve come over with them. He knows I don’t want kids of my own so he just assumes I hate kids. Quite the contrary, I love kids, I am just not prepared to give up myself to give birth, I am selfish & I have never wanted to be a mum, but I do want kids in my life which is why I am so happy to have my Nieces & Nephews & now I could potentially have Noodles kids in my life. The prospect of that is exciting actually. I wish he messaged me on the weekend, I would’ve given him the reassurance that he could come to my house anytime, with the kids.

We fight about it for about an hour, until I just say bye. He writes “I’m so sorry #IBD4U. We obviously can’t continue the relationship side of things & that’s what we had… I don’t wanna say goodbye. Your amazing woman #IBD4U, you have been my best friend, so caring & an amazing lover. & it was only my children that lead me to my decision. I will always love you & there will always be a place in my heart for you. I’m sorry that it got this far.” OH fuck off… Is he kidding me? I tell him to shut up. He tells me that he doesn’t want it to end badly with me, but I can’t help how angry I am “The whole thing is fucked. I’ve had butterflies about you & how I’m going to tell you. I fucking hate how much I love you sometimes.” I tell him what an epic mistake he’s making & that he’ll regret it. “I know & for the first time this weekend I’m tearing up. Still not crying but yeah. You will always have a place in my heart #IBD4U. I’m sorry for hurting you. Didn’t want to ghost you tho. Not sure you want to leave the lines open for communication after all this.” I tell him he’s ending it with the wrong woman & that he’s going to regret his decision. He says “My wife has stupidly forgiven me for some reason. She’s even offered to have a 3sum with you Wtf?” Yeah no fucking way that will EVER happen! & so obvious why she wants to do that to compare me & show him how sexy she can be. “But yeah, you’re probably the better choice” Yeah we both know I am the better choice, but he has to live with this decision. I ask him what he told her “Nothing in detail. Didn’t tell her I loved you or had feelings for you. Think she still suspects it. Because she knew I was so close to leaving & knew I was going to you. I told her it was 3 months” OMG “So you’re still lying to her” That poor fucking woman… Forgiving him on lies… He tells me “I worked out if I kept the car, all the debt & the house we’d be even. Yeah didn’t want to be burden either. I’ve thought about it a lot this weekend. & how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” Fuck that hurts… he has made our epic love story so trivial. Desintingrated to 3 months. The love of my life just shattered to a 3 month affair… He that he wasn’t unhappy & that he loves her too “But TBH I love you more. I hate the idea of saying goodbye for good. I’m so sorry #IBD4U. Goodbye for now. I will always love you.” OMG… I am fucking broken… so I message back “I don’t want the last time we saw each other to be the last time… When you’re back at work please meet me for lunch. I’ll get my keys (assuming my undies are gone) & you can have your name badges & xmas presents back.”

Noodle never reads my last message – fucking asshole! He logs off & never logs back on, I hate that he’s got that control. I hate that I don’t try to contact him via his mobile number… Why don’t I just text the cunt & fuck up his life more?! ARGH… So when I get to work, I email him my phone number, I’m not really sure why, but I figure he’s going to get off the chat app. He leaves all the groups except one without saying goodbye to anyone & they all turn to me for answers. Fuck you Noodle for doing that!

The next 2 weeks are a blur, I am somehow functioning at work however I am not eating at all. I can’t eat. My stomach heaves at me when I think about food. Those who notice (Thank you) try to make me eat… I just can’t. I think of him with everything I do… I think about the fact they probably aren’t having sex, that she’s being a complete bitch to him… Even when I brush my teeth, my fucking electric toothbrush reminds me of him. I buy a regular toothbrush & hide the fucking electric one in the cupboard like a douche. There is his Listerine & Rexona in my cupboard, I can’t look at it – but I see it every time I open the fucking bathroom cupboard door. I tip it down the sink & give the Rexona to my brother saying “don’t wear this around me.” Everything reminds me of him, I look in my pantry – even though I haven’t eaten in days & see anything with the word protein on it & I think of him… FUCK!

I think about him daily, I wake up all through the night thinking about him – I do not sleep or eat well for weeks… Checking the chat app for messages from him. Staring at my phone willing him to message me… Tossing & turning all night… I am destroyed… I don’t need you to tell me I got what I deserved, I am 100% aware of what I did & what was going to happen…

I am constantly thinking about what has happened, what they’re going through, if she’s completely shutting him out. I wonder about how she found my panties, where were they? Were they in his gym bag? Why would he leave them in his gym bag? Why didn’t he hide them in his wheel arch in the car like he hid my Christmas present? Why didn’t he give them back to me, did he want to get caught? FUCKING HELL THIS IS TORTURE. I need some answers & at this rate, I feel like I am never going to get any at all… I hate this. I hate that I am barely functioning, I hate that I am falling apart. I’m trying to hold it together, but I never have a poker face. Everyone knows there is something wrong with me & again, I can’t really tell anyone what is going on because no one even knew I was seeing someone, let alone a married man.

#IBD4U