First of all, I’m sorry for the writers block lately, it’ll all be clear when we catch up to todays date why it’s been such a struggle! I have so much going on at the moment that I am struggling to find the time to make myself write like I used to do. I hope that things settle soon & I can write more to catch up again.
You have no idea how much I want to meet him again, fuck him again, have him touch me again, right or wrong I love Silverlining & I want to see him. I am fully aware that he is not leaving her, that he is not going to be the one who walks away from her, he can’t – I mean he tried & she pulled a stunt which hit him harder than he thought it would. I’m not making excuses for him, sometimes we just can’t be with the one that you love. What’s that song “If you can’t be with the one you love honey, love the one you’re with” Not exactly an ideal situation & I would hate to be the one thinking that my partner is more into someone else than me, even if I had a family with him but I manipulated him into staying with me. I get that people can get over cheating & people can work on their relationship & make it stronger, only when both are committed to it but then I wouldn’t be stalking the mistress every day or ever! I think that would be a worse feeling than being cheated on. At least if they cheat & you leave, you know that you are better off. But if you stay knowing that there was feelings for another person, would you always wonder…?
Silverlining talks about how vocal & noisy I was during sex with him & how hot he found it. That he hates when a woman is silent & it makes me think that his partner is silent, but I don’t ask… She never came with him until she found out I used to cum with him, so assuming she’s asked if I was talkative or noisy & tries. But ultimately if you have to force yourself to do it, then you aren’t going to keep doing it, he said things had calmed down with their sex life so assuming she’s gone back to how she was in a way. The talking & moaning was always natural with Silverlining for me. I always hated making noise or talking with any guy I was with, but Silverlining & I use to have normal conversations & talk dirty while we were fucking & it never felt weird. It never felt forced, it never felt awkward. I guess he was the first guy I ever felt really comfortable with. I mean I had Boyfriend of course we lived together, but I didn’t know who I was, I wasn’t very sexual with him at all, not like how open I was with Silverlining.
He keeps bringing up Crows calling him Mr 6 pack but I remind him that yeah the sex was good with him but I didn’t love him & he didn’t make me cum like Silverlining could. He says he sees himself as a “Horrible fat piece of shit” I knew he had low self esteem, but I didn’t realise how low it is sometimes “OMG. You’re a fucking twat. To use your words. Spelling errors & everything!” He laughs “I can spell & do grammar and shit. So fuck you. I wouldn’t of put a full stop at the end. What twat face does that. Your like the only person online ever in the history of man that does that.” Hahaha, he’s right. Every single message he sends doesn’t have a full stop, but every single one of mine does. He says it’s part of what gave me away when we were strangers.
I tease him so easily & he sends me a dick pic saying he can’t jerk off because the kids are around. He says that he wants me so bad & I start to think how easily we are falling back into the old routine. Can I meet him again & have sex with him? Will the sex be as good as I remember? I mean if just sitting opposite this man can make me wet & horny, then surely the sex is the same. Can I just have it one more time? He says no sex but he’ll allow dick sucking & fingering. He says that I got better at sucking his dick the more I did it & then he tells me I made him better at eating pussy – which fucks me off because now she gets it. I made him good at it & someone else gets to enjoy it…
I ask him if he wants me to wear granny undies, and ugly dress, not wash my hair or wear makeup & he says that he doesn’t think any of that will help, he’ll still want me, I get out a vibe & start telling him my go to fantasy & I ask if I can cum, when he says no, I am frustrated but I love that he has this control over me. I love that he wants me to beg him & that I will be a good girl & do what he tells me to. I say please, please Sir, I beg & he just says no. I say why did I ask, cos I could’ve just cum & him not know but he knows that it turns me on when he says no to me. I say that I wish I could video it for him but the app we’re using doesn’t have that option, so he says video it & email it to him. I cum very hard when he finally says “Cum for me slut. Be a good girl and cum hard” You all know that this language from anyone else would probably result in a punch in the groin, but fuck it turns me on when he says it & he knows it, I tell him that the video is en route to his email, so he can check it. He says that it’s going to be hard not to fuck me. I say that I think we both knew that if we ever came together again it would be like this… He says “Fuck I miss your moans” (No full stops!) He says that after seeing that video he wants me so badly & that I am a good girl for doing what I am told.
I also say that I don’t think that I told him I loved him yesterday so I say love you for yesterday & today. He replies “Love you too for today and yesterday” & I smile like a wanker. I tell him he’s an idiot but he should see my stupid grin. He says that he’s not used to me being so lovey dovey but it’s cute. To be honest, I’m not used to it either, but I don’t want him to ever think that I don’t love him as much as I did.
There’s a video on my phone that won’t delete either from years ago, of me in the white dress & him making me suck his cock while he edges me, I’ve deleted it so many times because I don’t want to keep reliving how hot we were, how close I was to having my happy ever after with him, He says that he’s watched that video a few times in the last 12 months & jerked off to it a few times. That surprises me actually & he says “Do you really think a guy ever forgets a woman that he fucks like a porn star FYI?” He had told me that he never allows himself to think about me, had told me that his partner lets him fuck her like a porn start & squirts too, I assumed I was long forgotten. He says that he’s stubborn & didn’t want to admit his weakness. He says that she only squirts like once a month, that she fucks him 10 times better that she used too, but she’s nothing like me. I don’t know if that makes me happy or sad…. He says that she’s never done anything like the train station or what I did with my panties, but something weird happened for them last week & I barely want to know, but he tells me that he pushed her head into the bed & she couldn’t barely breathe but she loved it. He says that it was an accident & it made her cum hard, then she didn’t shut up about it the next day… I don’t even know what to say, I look at his words about his sex with her & say “So remind me why you want me again?! Or even needed me in the first place” If she’s so hot & sexy, what the fuck did he need to ruin me & her for?! “It was never just about sex, or kinky sex when it came to you. You were always my friend first. Sex was just the bonus. Kinky sex was the icing on top. Then there is the part that I fell madly in love with you based on our friendship.” He says that we would’ve developed feelings regardless if we met or fucked, because we talked so much. “I had feeling for you before we met. And I struggled hard core once we started fucking. You were so fucking guarded and a bitch. Your were like ‘nup, never having a man live with me , don’t want a man that has kids allready , bla bla bla’ So I was like fuck you. I’m dumb for falling for you. But I can’t stop having sex with you because the sex is so good. And I’ll hold my jealous rage in while you tell me your fucking other people on the app.” OMG, I never said I didn’t want a man with kids! Fuck I wonder if the things I said in the early days, like this was shit I said before I fell for him, I wonder that if I had’ve been more open if he would’ve been braver to leave her… He was doubting what I had for him & she was pulling a stupid stunt to prove her “love” for him I guess… He says that he tried to act like he didn’t care & that he wasn’t jealous, but I would see though it which annoyed him. I could always tell when he was being a jealous git, but I secretly loved it, though it was annoying stroking his ego all the time… “Please tell me you didn’t fuck Cowboy” FUCK… I ignore that question… FUCK.
I just send a long message about the night I remember he got so jealous in the car when a guy on the app had messaged asking me to fuck him, I had told Silverlining because I always shared & he sat in the car after we fucked staring out the window pulling away from me, I had to grab his face & tell him that I am with him (We hadn’t said I love you at that point so I had to use other ways to tell him that I was only fucking him!) he says that I had good banter with that guy I think his name was Prods & Silverlining got scared. He says he was even crazily jealous really early on, even when I met Shark & Leblek… He says that he even hated that I could tell he was jealous through texts. He said he considered fucking other people on the app to make me jealous but he decided not too. I lied about things I did to protect him, well I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell him but it turns out that it was common knowledge & he knew. I never realised that he started getting feelings for me that early on, I mean I knew I wanted to talk to him & only him, when he wasn’t online, I would chat to others waiting for him to come back online, so yeah there were other people for me, but I stopped seeing other people only a few months into fucking Silverlining. It was sexy to see him jealous, especially when he’d do something douchy to a new guy in a group that was showing interest in me, it was like Silverlining would pee all around me to prove he was with me without telling anyone. It used to turn me on to watch him stake his claim on me.
I start getting horny again & chatting dirty, when he says “Gotta go. Fuckomg so hard. Fuck You so much. Love you and chat later … grrr. Have no idea why up put up with me and my bullshit like this Tho ! I’m so not worth it …” I let him go & I think about my reply for a long time, something he needs to hear & something I need to say…
“Because you’re my best friend who I’ve missed terribly in the last 18 months. I’ve missed telling you things about my life, asking your advice, asking questions about food, seeing you & yeah even fucking you. I tried to fill a void you left behind, I admit I fucked other people & dated, tried new things like maslins & swingers parties, all in an attempt to get over you… But you see Silverlining, none of it worked, because at the first obstacle I was faced with a year later that you were possible the stranger chatting to me… That the excitement of you chatting to me online as a stranger took over me… Still wanting you, still loving you… You said you’d always love me, that those feelings will never go away… Why do you think those feelings I have for you are any different? You always think you’re not good enough for me, but let me make that decision…. I love you too… #IBD4U xxx” When he returns he does what he always does & gives me shit about going to maslins & swingers parties. But he says “But I hate just disappearing on on you” He knows that annoys me, but I’m ok with him going if he says goodbye, I just hate when he doesn’t. I understand the situation that I am in, I am the dumb idiot chatting to a man in a relationship with kids… I tell him that I hate him disappearing too that the vibe slipped in my ass cos I was so wet & so I just went with it, he says “Haha Oh dear , don’t you hate it when it accidentally slips into your ass … Done that a few times in my time” I don’t get anything from him again tonight & I am awake thinking about bullshit going on in my life & of course him too at 3:00 am. I ask if he ever checks the app & doesn’t find a message waiting for him, like I do because I feel like a loser checking all the time with no message from him.
I wake up late to messages from him at 6:30 am. “So I was thinking … are you free Tuesday morning … as that would be an opportunity to spend a few hours together. Rather than 1 hour” He also tells me that that he checks all the time & sometimes I haven’t written back, which makes me smile. We get onto the topic of my hair, skin & nails tablets I’m taking & he says that he would never need then that he has to cut his hair like weekly & he cuts his nails twice a week “Fun fact you would only know from living with me” I reply that I never got that option to know what it was like living with him because I am too clean & he says that he didn’t want to mess up my house, it was always so clean. Yeah that’s because I would clean while waiting for him to come over & I live alone so it’s easy to keep clean. I ask what he wants to do tomorrow morning & he says that we should meet at his gym at 9:00 am then we’ll go back to his house afterwards. Or I can meet at his house at 10:00 am. I stupidly want to spend as much time as I can with him, so I say that I’ll meet him at his gym at 9:00 am. I agree to meeting him there & making sure he follows his usual pattern, so as he’s not suspicious.
I show him a picture of the nurse outfit that he bought me & say that I wish I got to wear it for him, I say I wore it to switch to prove I’m over him & he asks if it worked, well of course not but I ask as a way of response, “Did you get over me a little bit?” his reply doesn’t surprise me but also it does a little “Uhh. I just distracted myself from you I guess. I still love you , so yeah …. Probably not. It’s probably not as deep as it once was but still there.” Because he keeps bringing up the men I’ve fucked since him, I post a post on the anonymous app that says “I slept with 26 men to help me get over you… But it didn’t work… Not even a little bit. You are still the best I’ve ever had” & I change my name to his initials & bitch. I get so many replies, asking to be number 27 & help me get over him. But I did it to prove to him that he is still my number one. When I show him the inbox that is blowing up he asks how he even made it into my inbox & fuck knows, the universe is fucked sometimes. He says it was fun being strangers when I apologise for some of things I made him hear & he says that it’s ok. I remind him that he told me he couldn’t sleep, so it couldn’t have been that fun, & I have to probe him why he couldn’t sleep, to which he says that he couldn’t sleep because he wanted to chat to me more. Awww FUCK.
As the chat is winding down, I confirm that he wants to meet at 9:00 am. He says he’ll be gone in a second so I say I’ll see him tomorrow with kisses, he asks where the love is, I say I love him & then he says chat later – as he’s started doing. I ask where my love is & he says nope. I say love you anyway jerk but he of course says love you back & I prepare to see him again tomorrow morning… FUCK – is this a good idea? I know for a fact that we will kiss in the car, he wants to finger me & I want to suck his cock, but should we go to his place to have sex?! FUCK, I want it, but is this a good idea?