Silverlining #17

The next morning, I wake up to nothing from Silverlining. He’s so predictable, he says that he gets to start work late so hasn’t got out of bed yet. He says that he can’t always be easy on me, making him message first, which I know he hasn’t done at all, even as a stranger.

He tells me never to have kids, getting them ready for school is a nightmare, I slip in the fact that I can no longer have them anyway & he says that he wants to get the snip. He asks why I can’t have them & I tell him that I made my decision permanent. “Wow. You know if everything went right with me leaving my partner and I lost custody of my kids I would of begged you to have kids right ?” Well I reply that he would of got sole custody, what judge is giving his mentally ill partner custody, “I would’ve had a kid with you” even if he had custody – which is fucking hard for me to admit, but I would of had a child, possibly even children with him. I would have had his child, if he asked… FUCK that is hard to admit. I say that I can still technically have a child, I’d just have to do IVF. I can’t help but wonder, if I hadn’t have even said anything about not wanting kids way back when we were together, if then that wouldn’t have been a factor – it might’ve been easier for him to leave her, knowing there was that chance to have children with me!? I’ll never know, if I asked now, he would say no anyway.

He also says that he didn’t actually want sole custody (& I kept pushing that down his throat – maybe another mistake on my part.) but he didn’t want them in another state & him not able to see them at all, which is what she threatened. Would things be different if I wasn’t so against having kids of my own?! He always said I hated kids, which I do not, I love kids, I just didn’t want them of my own. But I know that if we were together & he asked me to have one, I would have.

While I’m spending a lot of time getting ready for our lunch date – trying to look effortlessly put together, we are messaging constantly. He tells me that he can’t ever join the chat app again as he made way too many enemies on there, that I have too many friends on there & that his partner still has it on her phone. Oh good, so she’s probably stalking me on there. He says that she tried but couldn’t find me – OMFG. What the fuck is wrong with this person… He says that she went back on dating apps a few times too, enjoying the chatting with people more than he thought she would. He says that he lost interest when it all started getting back to me. He didn’t know how connected I was & that anything would get back to me. He says something about liking the gratification of how women make him feel on internet chat, even if he’s never going to do anything with them, he’s gratified. It’s so weird how this man is so insecure about how he looks in my eyes yet, other women tell him he’s sexy or has a big dick & he believes them. It fucks me off to be honest. I mean I get that he thinks that I’m too good for him but yet he also knows that I was in love with him – he says he saw it in my eyes, but yet doesn’t believe me when I tell him his good looking?! Fuck he’s confusing.

Silverlining toxic people drink poison

When he told me that his partner doesn’t know how to use the chat app groups, yet he’s told me that she hacked Facebook to be able to look at all my private photos with a “trick” I call bullshit. He says that’s she’s really dumb so can’t work out the groups but that she didn’t hack Facebook but worked out some stupid trick – he says she can look via my friends – which she can’t as my friends list is private. (If anyone knows this trick, please email me!) He says she probably spent a day on it, that she looked at my page every day, saw my broken heart post & became obsessed with me. “I can assure you that my marriage will not last forever” Because they’re both lying to each other! FUCKING HELL… I keep denying it because it’s fucking bullshit but he says that she showed him how she did it, but conveniently he can’t remember what she did. I find her on Facebook immediately & block her & then him. Fuck that was hard looking them up! I can’t even look them up yet she’s stalking my page daily with some trick to see all my photos… Now I know that this isn’t true & I’ll tell you why – I posted once, only once on my Facebook wall when I created this blog, to get my friends to like the page & read too. IF she had this special trick, she would know about this blog, I know she wouldn’t keep it a secret from him, she probably wouldn’t be with him still knowing the whole story & he definitely would know about it too & wouldn’t be talking to me now because he’d probably hate my guts for writing about us & ruining his relationship! So I call bullshit! I ask if he’s ok with her stalking me daily & he says “I’m the one that had an affair .. What say do I have” OMG. Is he serious?! Just tell her to fucking stop or block my profile on her phone when she’s not looking, fucking hell he’s a dickhead sometimes. He says that he reckons they’ll break up when the kids are in high school – I can’t help but think about what type of life either of them & their kids are having when she brings me up daily.

But then he says “Might have to pull out of today” & I start shaking… I knew it… FUCK. “My partner is in super look out today. Or push it back later so it doesn’t look suss” OMG. I snap & tell him not to pull out now, I’m about to fucking leave to meet him. “My partner is in overdrive today ffs.” I tell him to just go to the gym near his work & he says that he’s already been to the gym & she’s noticed that he’s done that differently today than usual. He says she got angry because he didn’t reply when he was in the shower. OMG, so he has to shower at certain times of day on the days he works late or she gets angry?! “Your name comes up daily she doesn’t let me forget you I assure you …” I am fucking fuming that he is bailing now. He says that he can meet me still but at 12:00 pm, not 11:00 am, he sends me a screenshot of her texts to him – I’m not sure why, I assume to prove whats happening, she sends a lot in a row “I’m so fucking pissed off. I hate having a period, I hate cunts that call in sick cos they are lazy. My fucking head is pounding and my neck is killing me. Wat r u doing. I’m having a meltdown” Yeah I can see that… FUCK. He says that he’s in the shower, she replies “Y. R U being dodgy” OMG. I know he cheated on her but fucking hell, he’s at home, she can track him – obviously she is so knows he’s at home… He tells her that he just finished at the gym “That wasn’t long. U masturbate too. I’m in a foul mood. I have a headache. I want maccas.” He says that she just pinged his phone too (I don’t really know what that means & I don’t ask), to see where he is?! OH HOLY FUCK. This is next level, why do either of them want to live like this!? He says that she didn’t think that she would be watching so closely today, that the leash is tight. “I’ll still meet you at 12. How’s that for having a go at my jerking off too lol…” I ask why he’s not allowed to jerk off & he says because he doesn’t want sex as much when he does, but she also uses her vibes on her days off & when he works late but he says nothing – yeah TMI Silverlining, thanks… I try to give him an alibi for why he would be at work early, but he’s freaking out now & I highly doubt we’ll meet.

He says she’s in crazy mode today that they have good days & bad days, but I come up almost daily. I ask why either of them stay & he says “Kids. We do love each other.” I can’t help my reply “What a happy environment.” I know I am not going to see him today & he’s being a fuck wit. “I do love my partner just like love you. May not be on the same level and connection but yeah” NO, NO, NO. I am angry “You do not love me the same way as you love her.” FUCK NO he doesn’t. I tell him that neither of them are in love at all, she just doesn’t want me to have him & so she makes him suffer & he allows it. He says that she’s forgiven him but will never forgive me. AGAIN, why the fuck does she have to forgive me for? I didn’t have a commitment to her – have kids with her, tell her that I love her then lied to her daily for over a year while I fell in love with someone else, how can she even care about me!? I am fucking pissed at this conversation & then it happens…

“Okay. I’m really sorry #IBD4U. But her work just rang me to pick her up. She thinks about you daily… Says your name daily. Has even asked 3 times this week if I’m chatting to your or emailing. It’s like she sensed it. I didn’t mean to make you feel stupid today. I’m terrible sorry.” I don’t reply, I just sit there staring at it. He sends“Probably ghost me now …” I wish I could do that, then he sends “Thursday lunch ?” I ignore his messages & message Motocross to have lunch with me but he can’t meet me as his with his mechanic apparently.

Ironically Silverlining’s partner ‘hates cunts who call in sick cos they’re lazy’ & now she’s going home sick because she doesn’t trust her partner… OMG…. I snap… “What can I say? Like really what can I say? I skipped gym this morning – actually ate something too then I’m sitting here dressed, looking super cute (even stupidly am wearing lingerie.) & ready to meet my ex boyfriend who I’m still in love with for lunch & he bails… Don’t’ make promises you can’t keep. We’ll just play it by ear” His replies come quickly. “Fuck super cute and lingerie … It was a pretty certain thing … This just came up … Your not going to believe me but yeah. Good bye for then. For now.” I am so heartbroken… I reply “Was never going to fuck you. I don’t have any condoms. But wore it in case you saw it. Hope she’s ok. Bye” He replies “I didn’t intend on fucking you … Why would I see it. Bye” I don’t reply but he sends about 40 minutes later “So I just got to her work and they have taken her to hospital. You can’t make this shit up hey.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I can’t look at the app anymore. I am so fucking hurt. So gutted. So stupid. I know it’s not his fault at what has happened today, I know that this is what I’m in for when I started chatting to him again too, I know that she’s still in the background – apparently for another 10 years till the kids are in high school, but I didn’t think I would feel so foolish ever again… & yet here I am, all dressed up & no where to go!

FUCK.

#IBD4U

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