Silverlining #18

I literally am in a daze. I have just been bailed on for meeting the man that I am still in love with for lunch. How fucking stupid do I feel!?

Over the course of the next hour, I do not look at the app. I don’t get notifications from it either, so I try to do something to keep busy. When I see his name pop up as he’s sent me an email. The title says “Photo in hospital to prove I’m not lying.” & the body of the email contains a photo of her arm in bed & part of the hospital room & he writes “I deleted the app as I do regularly and it won’t Let me send a pic … I didn’t lie or mean to hurt you today …” I stare at it for ages. I notice the date on the whiteboard, it’s today’s date. It kind of fucks me off that he thinks I would imply that he’s lying to me. I check the app & see several messages from him too “I really didn’t mean to make you feel stupid or not go through with I swear to god. She’s knocked out on morphine right now and I’m bored outta my brains. I sent you a pic of hospital as proof as I’m lame haha. And I feel so bad for letting you down. To your email cos the app won’t let me” I don’t reply for ages. I can’t. I am hurt, I know it’s not his fault but I am feeling so foolish… Why did I even think meeting him was a good idea… When has anything ever gone my way with this man?!

Despite all your advice that you give me on Facebook, trust me if you were telling me this story, I would tell you to run a mile too – walk away. But somehow I can’t help myself. He tugs at my heart strings & I can’t help but be drawn back in. I write to his app messages & his email on the app snapping “I never said you were lying” I know that if he’s made plans to see me & he changed his mind, that he would just tell me that it’s not a good idea, he wouldn’t make up a story that I could easily verify just by walking into her work. It takes all of my effort not to write more, but I am upset, I am not angry, I am just numb & hurt by this. He tells me that being at the hospital is the last place he wants to be, he hates them & he’s worried that his ‘crazy ass random event’ happens at the exact same times he’s supposed to meet me, he thinks it looks suss… Well it does, but I know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t use a stupid excuse not to see me, I know that he would tell me the truth & he would bail, he says that he really wanted to see me today & I say that it’s lucky he emailed because the app doesn’t give me notifications & I only checked it because I got the notification of his email. He didn’t realise that I had to check the app every time I got a message from him & I say “Yeah cos I’m a foolish wanker” he tells me that I am not, as usual, but I am such a fool. “Well only a fool would love me. Your not a fool. Your sexy and smart and far from a fool. You’re the smartest person I’ve chatted to ever. So many chicks are dumb online.” Fuck I am so dumb… I am not smart at all when it comes to him… “What smart woman spends an hour getting ready so it doesn’t look like I put in that much effort. To sit in front of the heater alone watching Netflix? Yeah so smart!” I want to make him feel bad, even though it’s not his fault. I want him to realise how much effort I give him & he treats me badly, even if he couldn’t help it. “I know you put in a lot of effort and would of look super cute for me … You wanted my eyes to give you the look they always do. And I would of noticed. I’m sorry #IBD4U , I really am.” He also says that he didn’t want to have sex with me today so he’s not sure why I wore lingerie. I am not sure either, I mean we were meeting at Hungry Jacks. I wasn’t planning on fucking him, but with the weight I’ve lost due to work stress, this is the only bra that fits me, so I wore the matching panties. I tell him this & that I won’t fuck him without condoms anyway & I don’t have any. I know he’s trying to joke here, but it makes me furious “Haha well no point really fucking then , I know how you feel and it’s not the same. But I don’t blame you either. And I feel the same way about you , god knows how many guys you’ve been with since me.” Did he seriously just say that to me!? His partner has a confirmed STI… “Actual fuck you for saying that Silverlining. I’ve been STI tested 4 times since knowing you, 3 times since we ended…” Fuck he’s a jackass.

He sends me pictures of his sandwich & says something about eating carbs which is how he knows he’s feeling shit, because he’s been doing keto. I don’t reply. Fuck him. “I’m a dick. FFS. Please eat and look after yourself. Ps my partner hasn’t looked you up on Facebook in a while. Just checked while she’s passed out lol” OMG so now he goes through her phone too? These two are fucking insane! He says that he’s looked at her chat app too & seen a picture of Crows & says that I shouldn’t be wasting my time on him being he’s so unreliable when I could have Crows – well first I couldn’t have Crows as he is just as unreliable. & I tell Silverlining to stop looking at men I’ve fucked & torturing himself. Fucking stop stalking people… (What he should have said to his partner about stalking me!) “You’re being so rude to me. Push me away all you want, it didn’t stop me from loving you before. What makes you think it’ll work now?” I am fucking over it. He says that ‘curiosity got the worse of him’ Yeah I’ll say it did… He basically just called me a skank with an STI. He says that he didn’t call me that & doesn’t hold it against me how many men I’ve been with since him 12 months ago. But he clearly is holding it against me. He guesses 12 & I didn’t really think that he would try to guess – this is not a good idea. I don’t want to tell him that number. He says he knows I was trying to tell him things to make him jealous when we were strangers & he’s right, I was & did. He says that I’ve always been an oversharer & why we couldn’t be friends. “And why we shouldn’t be friends!” I can’t believe he’s said that “Coming from ‘Mr I’m choking my partner tonight after she’s fucked some guy & sent me pictures…” & his reply makes me laugh – stupidly “We can go back to pretending to be strangers ?” then he asks how I found that out, I mean he fucking told me!! He doesn’t remember telling me that. Well I guess we’re both oversharers. “I was always more honest with you than I was with my partner , probably still am.” I don’t get why you would want to be with someone that you either have to or choose to lie too?

We talk about the guy that I fucked that I cried with after Silverlining & a few other guys, he gets all judgy about me doing rope & the people that go to that too & I try to just stop replying but I can’t. “I’ve only fucked my partner since you too btw” That makes me feel oddly smug! I am glad of that to be perfectly honest, he says that he never had much luck & she even tried to get him girls too but she couldn’t. I can’t help but think sucked in you asshole. He tells me that his partner fucked three guys but he got nothing! OMG – Why is he telling me this?!

He says she tried pretty hard with Crows but he wouldn’t fuck her & this other guy the one of my friends used to fuck regularly, but she never did. That has made me feel smug too, the fact that people on the chat app are more loyal to me than I thought they would be. He asks why I am not still fucking Crows & I explain that he called me beautiful & then I never saw him again, not sure if they were related but it was weird. “You do look beautiful. I bet you looked so beautiful for me today.” FUCK.

Silverlining tells me that he’s too embarrassed to tell me what his hobby is, he tells met that his phone broke a few months back & it took him ages to fix it so he had time to do things that he wanted too do & he wasn’t so obsessed with social media. He says that he has to go & I say to tell me, then he’s gone. The next morning he says “Fun fact , my partner has always put down my interest and hobbies my whole life and is openly honest about calling me a loser about it.” WTF?! Why aren’t these 2 supporting each other?! I bet she has hobbies that he might think is lame, but doesn’t tell her… Though fun fact, Silverlining has put down my interests in rope about a million times, even to the point where if things didn’t go south with the people who ran the club, I probably would have stopped going anyway… So in fact, he’s no better! But I guess it’s easy to put me down to make himself feel better about the fact he thinks he’s not good enough for me. I tell him that it hurts me that he thinks that I would ever put him down for his interests & hobbies. I would never do that, I am always supportive of everything he’s ever chosen to do. I hate that he puts me down for something he doesn’t understand after now confessing that that’s what his partner does to him, I’m surprised that he would do it to me, knowing how it feels.

He sends me 15 messages to basically tell me that his hobby is buying old computers off Facebook marketplace, doing them up & selling them… OMG. Why would he even think that I would judge him for that, I know that he’s got a thing for computers & gaming consoles, I mean all he brought to my house was fucking computer shit, why would he think that I didn’t realise that what he is into? I say that it’s adorable, but he just thinks he’s a major geek. It is geeky, but like I say to him, at least he’s not wasting his money on cigarettes or drugs or alcohol, he’s actually doing something with his time.

He changes the topic “Oh yeah even though I wasn’t going to fuck you yesterday (despite wanting too lol) I really wanted to give you a hug and kiss you.” OH FUCK. I am at the gym, going on with my life, I’m assuming that he’s called in sick to look after her, so I say goodbye assuming he’ll be gone when I am done. He says that she’s off today anyway – she won’t take medication when she feels a migraine coming on & then this type of thing happens but he’s at work today. Seriously, if I was admitted to hospital, I would make my partner stay at home – these two are weirdos! “I was going to kiss you … no matter what … really wanted to kiss you.” FUCK.

#IBD4U