So with Crows MIA, no Noodle to speak of, I have no one to have sex with & I’m still too hurt to be looking for a proper relationship online or otherwise, so I message Flaccid (OMG what is wrong with me!? Heartbreak will do weird things to you…), who’s been messaging incessantly lately just to say hi – he’s back from the UK & single (I guess). So I invite him over being that the second time with him was better. He says he’s free but has no car, I say catch an Uber or Taxi & I’ll drop him home later, so then he says he’s busy & been drinking. Whatever dude! So I think fuck you & give up on him. I chat in some groups of just random Adelaide people on the chat apps, when one dude says to come to swingers type play party with him. I don’t entertain the idea because I don’t know who this guy is (let’s call him LJ), he’s new to the chat app group, however, I private message him to get some information, especially since it seems I’ll never go with Crows like we’d planned.
LJ says he’ll call me, which I hate but I decide to let him call especially with the nature of what I am considering, a phone call is probably the best way for me to get a gut instinct. So we chat for 20 minutes & I feel at ease with him, that before I know it I am saying that I’ll meet him at my local pub. He says he’ll come pick me up, but I decide to get an uber to the pub to meet him instead, after all I don’t know what this guy even looks like. I don’t want him to meet me at my house. So I spend a long time getting ready, having talked to LJ about what to wear to the party, he says whatever I feel comfortable in, so I wear my outfit that I wore to Hip Hop because I look good & feel good in it. I figure it’s easy to get on & off but I am doubting ill find anyone there to fuck anyway!
I get to the local watering hole & I have no idea what he looks like so I message him & tell him that I am at the bar. He sees me & comes over. He seems nice & we get along eaaily. He’s not my type physically & he’s a little older, probably shorter than me since I’m in heels but he seems nice enough anyway, but like he said I don’t have to play with him (fuck him), he’ll just take me & I can do what I want. He’ll show me around & introduce me to some people who run it & then I can see how I go. He says he’ll drop me home if I want too but I just say we’ll see what happens. I am not sure how long I am going to stay at this thing to be honest. I have this idea about what a play party is like, I am picturing old overweight men, balding & sleezy – twirling their mustaches. I am picturing older women too, no one my age & don’t think that I will even find anyone there to have sex with to be perfectly honest!
We have a couple of drinks at my local shithole bar – which is the opposite end of the universe for him & then we drive down to the drive though the bottle shop to get some drinks then head to the party.
He pays for my entry which I think is $10, I’m not really sure. He shows me where to put the drinks, as they have a bar that has people recording your drinks as there was some problems apparently with drinks being stolen or spiked etc. I like that my drinks are safe with the bar people. LJ walks me around the house showing me what is available, there are 3 rooms with doors, an open room with 3 beds, a lounge room where people are watching porn, a spa outside, another room with a bathroom attached, a room with a sex swing & he shows me where the lockers are to put my stuff safely but other than that it’s just like a normal house. Too much like a normal house to be honest… It’s not at all what I was expecting.
I am petrified that Noodle will be at something like this, but I also know that he would hate it & probably wouldn’t come anyway, however I am not sure what he’s doing. It’s been a couple of months now since I ignored his last email. I think I know Noodle well enough to know that he wouldn’t go to this, but I also never thought that he would have a matching user name on the chat app with her, or with anyone. So maybe I didn’t know him at all…
I am also certain that he would judge me for being here, but at this point, I am just trying to get over him… I am trying new things, I am not going to sit at home & wallow in the fact that he’s swinging & doing fuck knows what… I am going to go out & live this life – who knows where it may lead me.
It’s cold & I’m wearing a skirt & singlet – stupid me for thinking late October is supposed to be hot in Adelaide, at the very least warm. So I go to stand by the outdoor gas heater, with my drink, not really sure what to do… I see LJ get in the spa & I don’t think that I can get in there as everyone is naked in there, so I just stand awkwardly by the heater, where I feel like I am swarmed by dudes. I guess I don’t need to do anything… I literally have a circle of men standing around me, of all different ages before I even know what is going on. I am mainly surprised that most of them are in my age bracket or younger. There are older men here & older women but I am so surprised at hoe many decent looking men my age are here.
One guy asks me if I want to go find a room with him & I agree, I am also surprised that I have agreed to fuck someone & found someone that I like the look of – especially so early in the night. We got into one of the rooms & they aren’t really what I think they’d be like. This is a guys house, he lives here, so there is boxes of crap in the corner with a sheet over it – I’m assuming to hide it. There are condoms, lube & tissues on the bedside table, a small bin & there are a pile of sheets in the corner as you’re expected to change the sheets afterwards (for obvious reasons). I fuck him & it’s ok, but it seriously reminds me of being at a high school party & being in a room with someone as there are people chatting normally outside the window & we’re inside the room fucking.
I go back out to the heater & am swarmed with men again, another guys asks me to fuck him, but I say no – he’s not my type. I get a drink & don’t really have to do a lot before I am asked by another guy to go to a room with him. This guy I have seen around the chat app comes up to me & asks me to go with him, I say yes & we have sex in the same room as I used with the last guy… I kind of feel a little weird about that to be honest. We have sex & also chat about the chat app too – how he knew me before I knew him.
There is a guy I like the look of the most, but he seems standoffish so he doesn’t approach me, when one other guy asks me to fuck him so I says yes & head into a different room with him. As we’re going in there, the second guy asks if he can join, but the guy I’m with says no. I see LJ laughing as we shut the door, as he saw the whole thing, the second guy asking for another go. Again, it’s ok sex, I mean the whole being in a weird room & with people chatting outside, it’s weird – I can’t relax.
I am surprised that I have a decent night, I am not sure it’s something I will go to on the regular, or if it’s something I enjoy. I mean I don’t feel great about myself to be honest, fucking three men in one night… But when you are trying to fill a void you will do anything to get there… I can’t turn to drugs & I am not really drinking a lot of alcohol as I haven’t eaten properly since May when my life went to shit.
The only person I want here with me tonight, is Noodle… Not that he would’ve come anyway or would we be here, we’d be at home probably fucking – he would’ve hated it – well the man I knew would’ve hated it. I mean our sex life would’ve been enough for both of us, so we wouldn’t have needed to go to a swingers party… But do you know what… Nothing helps fill this fucking void… I’ve fucked 8 men since Noodle (that’s not a good number! Jesus) & do you know what… None compare, none have helped me. None will ever compare to Noodle… FUCK… I want what I had with him, even if it was only part time, at least it was real, I feel so empty, so hollow & just because some guy stuck their cock in me, doesn’t mean I’m over Noodle… Not even in the slightest. I miss him like crazy, I miss my best friend.
I’m lonely as fuck & I hate it…