Noodle #59

I can feel this is drawing to a close with Noodle. He’s writing less & less to me but still every morning I wake up to find an email written that morning. I am not sure if it’s because he thinks I am trying to blackmail him or if he genuinely wants to talk to me, either way, I think I deserve this exchange even if he doesn’t.

I tell him that I did reply within 2 hours of his last message & then get shot down by him. I tell him that I don’t get notifications on some of those apps, so if he really wanted to get my attention, if it was really over, he would’ve text me! He would’ve tried harder, not just a couple of messages on a chat app he’s not even sure I’m using anymore.

“Just because I was the other woman, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve better from you. Men really underestimate the other woman a lot. I could’ve destroyed everything & probably still could if I wanted too… I did consider the circumstances & understand how hard it would’ve been but ghosting me didn’t make hate you.” I can’t even believe that he isn’t considering the circumstances for me or what I could be capable of. If the shoe was on the other foot & I was the partner & his partner was the other woman, I don’t think she’d show the restraint that I have shown him in the last 6 months! Hell, even the last 18 months while we were together.

“I can give you an answer to what I see in you, Noodle. The list is super easy for me, if it’s not easy for her, then I don’t know what she’s doing… No one cares if you can garden or a handyman…

• You ARE seriously the sexiest guy I’ve ever been with,
• You were loyal to me,
• You were honest with me, brutally so,
• I trusted you, inexplicably,
• Our banter – fuck we had good banter,
• How cute we were in chatting to me,
• How beautiful you think I am,
• You helped me lose weight,
• You lost weight, kept it off & enjoy the gym,
• Despite what you think, you are funny – you made me laugh often – if you didn’t, we would’ve been over long before. Sense of humor is #1 thing I need,
• We are so similar in so many ways – it was so hard for both of us to say we had feelings, I mean we even don’t say hello to people first,
• That you kept up your end of the deal with the #IBD4U vs Noodle agreement, surprised me that a douche would keep up with that deal,
• You excited me – you stirred something in me that I’ve never had with any other man,
• I loved your douche side – kept it exciting, but I also loved how insecure you were sometimes – I saw how sensitive you are,
• The chemistry we had,
• How jealous you got of me, when there was no need to be,
• The way we couldn’t keep our hands off each other,
• The way you kissed me,
• The way you made me feel like the sexiest woman you’d ever seen,
• The way we fit together,
• The way you smell,
• How you’d use listerine every time you saw me,
• The way you brought my sexual fantasies to life,
• After seeing you with your kids I fell in love with you a bit more,
• How dedicated to your work you are,
• That we both aren’t huggers, but always wanted to hug each other,
• How supportive you were of my work & study,
• Even though it wasn’t confirmed when I saw you last, I knew you were proud of me that I was buying an investment property
• But most of all, you love me & I love you.”

I know that he won’t really read this list but he won’t really take it in, I am 100% sure that he will read it but not understand what I am saying because of his low self-esteem.

He still doesn’t get me either, I mean I am great with kids, I have kids toys all throughout my house for the nieces & nephews. I even have a tattoo with the nieces & nephews initials, so I mean I would’ve loved to have his kids live with me. I was excited about it. He told me that no one had mentioned me to her on the chat app, so at least while she was talking about me to friend & a guy that I am fucking, at least they respect me enough not to talk about me.

I tell him that my Facebook name is no longer my real name & my whole Facebook is private anyway so she can’t see me. I am now also in hiding with a bitmoji up as my profile picture. I assume that she was looking for my fake name he gave her in the beginning anyway, but now she has my real name, I am in hiding.

I remind him that my self esteem issues run deep too, that it took me a while to send pictures in the groups & that it took me a while to not shake in front of him when I am naked or wearing lingerie. Right now I am the skinniest I have ever been, I have amazing hair extensions in, I look the best I have every looked & I have no confidence at all.

“I won’t keep emailing you forever, of course, but it has been healthy for me to get some of this off my chest & actually get a reply from you. I do miss you every day, I do love you more than I should or want too. I only ever held back the extent of my feelings for you, knowing I was the other woman & that I would be discarded when it ended, that I didn’t want to be that completely vulnerable with you.” I need to stop emailing him but I also need to get this out… However I’m sure that he’s not actually reading my words… He’s not in the frame of mind to be understanding what I am saying to him.

He replies telling me that he checked a few times that night & there was no reply from me, well bullshit because I have screenshots with times. He says that Sweetie made it clear I was over him & he convinced himself that I was too so he wasn’t going to try hard. Well maybe not, but he could’ve text me.

He says that he doesn’t look sad in his pictures, he just doesn’t smile in his photos. He tried to make a joke about the list & how the first night I had garlic breath, but he uses listerine with me every time. He says that he’s not funny, yet he just made me laugh with that comment. I want to punch him in the face when he says “Pretty much cos I made you feel sexy it made me sexy is the summary I got from that haha.” He’s a fuckwit!

He says that I told her on purpose on the chat app when she was pretending to be him that “You told her on purpose it was a year just to get at her, just as you did you told her you held her kids. That hurt her a lot, you achieved that goal .” & I could’ve said a lot worse!

He tells me that she doesn’t know he saw me after we ended, so I think he should tell her that, that’s something people know that could come out… But he thinks that it wouldn’t make a difference now, him coming to my house with the kids was the worse thing to her.

I am angry that he thinks I look too long to write back, I tell him that I saw that he came back online as the greyed out d turned dark but he never read my message until lunchtime the next day. He never wrote back so I called & then text, then get a reply from him saying not to message him! Like what a asshat. He would’ve tried harder, I mean he tried harder with her when she walked about because I didn’t reply to a chat app message! Deep down I didn’t reply because I knew it wasn’t over… He messaged me the second she left him, again, not actually properly breaking up before dragining me back in again. I knew I would be foolish to write back & yep, I was a fool to write back to him because he’s so scared of being alone that he fought for her back after contacting me.

“You’re an absolute fucking idiot if you summarise my list like that… You truly do deserve to be with someone who can’t even list one thing they like about you besides you’re the father of her children.” At this point, I am angry, I mean really… Is that what he really thinks? This man doesn’t know me at all.

His partner was saying rotten things about me to my friend, such as I have down syndrome eyes & that I look 40. So the fact I told her it was year & that I held her kids (which she knew anyway as he’d come to my fucking house with them) so yeah I am ok with the things I said to her. I could have said so much worse! He let her accost me on the chat app as him, he let her text some poor unsuspecting person when she thought she had the right phone number, he’s even ok with her stalking me on Facebook. I have done nothing to her – I didn’t cheat on her… I didn’t lie to her for over 18 months. I am so angry at this point, that I wish I did say more, I wish she did have my phone number right. Why did I take the high road?!

I tell him that he should tell his partner that he saw me since we ended & that he’s talking to me now. I think that’s the only stuff that could come out now, I don’t want anymore drama so I want him to tell her so that it can’t come out! I highly doubt that he will.

I don’t get reply from him the next morning & I am oddly relieved but also pissed off that he didn’t write back. How dare he not write back to me?! I guess the good thing about that is that he knows that I am not trying to blackmail him with that document?!

6 days later, I see his fucking name pop up on my phone & my heart drops.

He says that he’s sorry that he didn’t reply, he didn’t want to get into the habit of messaging daily again. He says that she left & I was the first person he wanted to message, even though it looked like I was over him. He assumed I’d ignore him or tell him to fuck off. -How can this man even know me if he thinks that little of me & what we had? He says that he thought it would only take me weeks to get over him because of all the attention I get online.

He says “I’m not scared of being alone , I’m scared of losing my kids . I’m scared of a lot of things , not being alone though.” So he’s staying with her because of the kids, not because he actually wants to be with her. Right… Thought he said he loved her?!

He ends his email “Thank you for doing the right thing by me.” I am done, I am furious by that response that I don’t ever write back. I draft a billion replies in my head, but I also don’t want to send one & have him ignore it. So I ignore him. He doesn’t deserve a reply, he doesn’t deserve me. I am still adamant that this is not over for us, in one way or another, but right now. For now. It has to be over for me. I have to move on.

Later that month – a few days after I ignore his last email, Noodle posts on the anonymous app “With one chapter ended another one can start” I think that is aimed at me, not something he is trying to do… He wants me to move on… Then a couple of days later I see “Get out of my head ahhhh” It takes all my might not to reply or write an email to him. But I don’t…

I always wonder or hope that he will write to me to ask if I got the email or if I wrote back & he didn’t get it again, but he doesn’t. I want to write to him, I am desperate to know he’s ok. But I restrain, somehow, I restrain.

I will put you all out of your misery, this is the last Noodle post ever – he will feature in my thoughts of course, until hopefully one day I am over him… So don’t think that’s the last you will see his name, but it will be the last Noodle titled post!

I am gutted, hurt & devastated. I know you all started to hate him – you think he’s weak & manipulative, but I am in love with him, despite that… I saw a destroyed man, unable to make a decision where no one got hurt… But I didn’t deserve to be treated this way at all, but I must be the one to walk away here… He doesn’t know me at all if he is only replying because he thinks I have a blackmail document.

You can now see why I have extended the length of my posts to hurry this story along, I need this story to be over – it was over a year ago in real life & I have been struggling mentally reliving this… I am glad I told this story, I am glad I have posted it, I almost didn’t post it at all but it honestly shaped me to the woman I am. I sometimes doubt that he loved me – especially reading some of your comments, but at least I can say that my biggest fear of loving another human with all my heart, is no longer a fear. I did it, I felt loved… I am more at peace than I have been in a long time. I was scared I was becoming bitter, but now I know I have a heart, I know I have one because even though it’s shattered right now, I felt things I never felt before.

Stick around though, because honestly, my life is hilarious! I don’t know how things happen to me that never happen to anyone else…

Thanks for reading the Noodle story & sticking by me.

#IBD4U