Something I noticed a lot in my life, having been single for most of it, is what people think is best for me – or more to the point, what they think will make me happy, because they want to see me happy. This is something interesting for me, as I’m not sure why people think I am not happy?! (I mean, right now, I am not – nursing a broken heart, but for the most part, I am happy with my life besides the non existent love life!) Something that has come up quite a lot for me most recently in my thoughts are all related to “Want vs Need.”
Only having been technically off the market for 3.5 years in total with Boyfriend & the 18 months I had Noodle, so I have been alone a long time & the top thing people say to me as a single women, probably more now then when I was younger is things like “You don’t need a man to be happy” or worse things like “A man won’t make you happy” I even hate when people say things about finding their other half or that they have found their better half etc.
So I thought a blog about Want vs Need – I was talking about this the other day with one of my friends & she’s also a reader & I thought there was a blog post in this topic… What does Want vs Need even mean?!
Definitions: (found via google search)
Need – require (something) because it is essential or very important rather than just desirable.
Want – have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for.
I want to be clear. I know I don’t NEED a man to be happy, I am happy, I have a successful career – that I love & am good at, a house that I am slowly upgrading on a single income, I now own an investment property too. I have lived overseas in Canada – by myself about 10 years ago now! I have traveled extensively across South Australia for work & visited most capital cities in Australia, including driving across the Nullarbor.
I have traveled to: England, Ireland, Wales, Isle of Man, Turkey, Croatia, Vietnam, New Caledonia, New Zealand, Fiji, UAE, France, Qatar, Spain, Portugal, Bali, America, Gibraltar, Scotland, Northern Ireland & Cyprus – Yes, I still have many places to go!
I have partied, I have slept around (maybe a little too much), I have taken drugs, I have drunk till I’ve vomited, I have done things I regret, I have fallen deeply in love, I got really fat & then lost all the weight, I have run away from everything, I have given second chances, (I have even given third & fourth chances) & I have grounded myself with a solid foundation of the type of person I have become. Let’s just say, I have lived a pretty good life at time of posting this, I am 38!
A lady I used to work, who had as in her 50’s she got married & had kids in her early 20’s, so she’d never been overseas, she’d never done anything but raise her 3 kids. So it bothered me so much when she’d tell me to enjoy my life. Haven’t I done that already? Arent I allowed to be ready to find a partner to travel with, to build a life with, to love.
So when people say you don’t need a man to be happy, they are absolutely 100% right. YES! I agree! But fuck it pisses me off when people say it to me. I have never said I need a man to be happy, in fact, sometimes I have made the decision to be single because I don’t want that to get in the way of my life goals.
However, that word… Want…
But I will admit this… I WANT a partner… Someone who marks off a few things in my new list. I do not want to be alone forever, I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to talk to every night & sleep next to everyday. I do not need it. But why the fuck do people make me feel shit about wanting that?! Especially those who have it, it’s always weird that they are the ones who are so anti me wanting a partner.
Is there something wrong with wanting that?
I know relationships aren’t perfect, I have had one recently with Noodle that I know wasn’t perfect & took a lot of effort from both of us to keep it going (putting aside all the external factors) just us being us, was a lot of hard work. I have also never said I want something perfect. I don’t believe we have a other half that completes us – if I did believe that, I have just lost my other half. But I don’t think we are destined to walk this earth alone forever… I think we complete ourselves & compliment another person…
So next time a single friend says to you that they want a partner, don’t reply telling them they don’t need it or that relationship aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be – as a single person, on the outside looking in, having had an 18 month affair, I know that relationships aren’t easy, I know they aren’t that all great, I know that they aren’t the be all & end all of life… But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t want it.
If you’re in a relationship with someone, I want to you to look at them right now & pretend they aren’t in your life anymore… Suddenly & abruptly like what happened with Noodle – where your partner just ghosted you. How does that make you feel – even to just think about that?? Think about getting in to bed alone tonight – for the 4380th night in a row? Does that make you happy? (if you said yes, then you should probably end it with your partner) but if you feel a complete heartache – not because you’re alone but because that person isn’t with you – that’s how I feel daily, ultimate devastation. What would be something someone could say to you to make it better for you? Could anyone make you feel better?
Interestingly when I was over 100 kgs, when I turned 30, I realised that my wants & needs were very different for a healthy lifestyle change. I wanted to be skinny but I needed to make a change to reach that goal. I didn’t need to be skinny, but that was what I wanted. Focusing on the need was more important then because I needed to be healthy to avoid serious health issues. I want to maintain my weight now, but I don’t need too. It could fluctuate a few kgs & life would be ok… So it’s very important not to confuse these two things… Wants vs Need.
I have done a blog on cliches before which I guess is a similar type of blog to this, however, I want to raise awareness on the Want vs Need. It is different for everyone, while the definition doesn’t change, it does mean something different to people. But just remember, I am more than happy with myself (there are some people out there who need to work on being alone & being happy with themselves) so for me, I am at a point in my life where I want something special with someone. But I don’t need it.
4 thoughts on “Want vs Need”
A great post from you – very true. You are perfectly entitled to want to find a partner or serious relationship. In fact, I have a post coming up about (partly) the fact that the need to love is apparently hardwired into our brains. True that a lot of partnered people are in unhappy relationships, but that says more about our expectations going in than relationships in general.
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I’m not sure at the time I am posting this message as to what your relationship status is. But…
A great post IBD4Y. I have been with my husband 33 years, married 27 of them.
If you want a partner and be married you should be able to have that.
I think the problem of most people when they are with someone for a long time. We take them for granted and then think ohh IBD4Y you are so lucky you don’t have to put up with……. But in reality they would feel the same way you do. They would want a Partner and would be asking themselves just like you why don’t I have one.
So I say I hope if you are lucky like me to meet a man to spend the rest of your life with. I hope with all my heart you find it.
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That is so lovely. Grass isn’t always greener, I get that. However, I still want a partner to share things with. Thank you for you comment! 😘