Marvel

So have you worked it out? Do you remember who Marvel is?!

A friend on the chat app (who has never rated a mention so I haven’t nicknamed him) tells me that Marvel is back online. I don’t believe it until I get sent his photo of him doing the live picture entry to get into the group, you have to suck you thumb to prove you’re real. There is his face. OMG my heart sinks… His fucking face… He’s looking a lot chubbier than I remember – much like his wedding photo I saw only 2 months before, but it’s him. His face that is so attractive to me, why is he so attractive… I can’t believe this… Have you guessed it yet… It’s fucking Noodle! It’s mother fucking Noodle. On my turf, again!

It’s only been 5 months since he got married & he’s already back online?! Surely not… But the picture proves it… I don’t know what to do. This doesn’t make any sense… So one thing about this, is that he’s using the account that he created at the beginning of our second affair – the one he catfished me on, the one he created to stalk me so I didn’t know… So this tells me that he wants me to know who he is, if I see him joining groups etc. If he didn’t want me to know, he would have created another account & pretended he was someone else & I would never know he was back online… However the friends I have would have told me anyway if he joined with a new profile & when he did the live pic thing, I’m sure someone would have told me…

I decide to not do anything though, as much as I want too, I even tell the other guy that I won’t… I mean I am hurt still, I am not over him… This hurts me too knowing he’s back online… I can tell you though,  I am not as in love with him as I was, but I do still love him – I don’t think that will ever go away, no matter how much he hurts me, it’s always been unattainable so it hurts, but I still want it. I can’t help it – as much as I try, I cannot stop loving him. This time this information doesn’t stop me from eating – that’s the only reason I know it’s different. I know I am different. I have grown from the previous experiences.

He joins on the Friday, I do toy with the idea of using a fake account to play with him – like he once did with me but I know that will just do my head in – I don’t need to know what he writes to other people, I know he likes to chat, I know he likes to be cheeky, I know he likes to flirt…. I need to talk to him as me or not talk to him at all. It’s that simple. I am no catfish… I would only ever chat to him as me or not at all, he knows that about me (whether he believes it or not, he knows I am not like that.) I think it, but I wouldn’t do it.

I wait till Tuesday night when I am level headed – maybe I’m unhinged, I don’t know, I send him several messages & get nothing back. “Imagine my surprise to be told several times that you’re back on here & quite active, only 5 months after saying to me I’ll chat to you when I can & then getting married 4 days later.” I can see that he’s been online because of the little greyed out d but he doesn’t look at any of my messages, which fucks me off & makes me so angry.

Finally I just write “Just reply to me Marvel,” he leaves some groups & I am told that too.. I never thought he would just ignore me, I even say that. I tell J-lo that if he doesn’t write back to me today, I am going to text his mobile number when I know that she is home so my number comes up on his phone. I am so fucking done being ignored by this guy.

He writes back saying that he’s stayed clear of me & that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea that we chat – is he fucking kidding me? Steered clear of me how?! He’s on the chat app, he could be anywhere else, he could have created a new account. But he’s on here & he’s being obvious about it. He tells me that he has no intention of cheating, that he’s a terrible friend & terrible partner that I shouldn’t miss him. I tell him that I feel like a fool for messaging him at Christmas & new years thinking that he was still thinking of me, not realising that he married her, 4 days after I said goodbye for the second time. I ask why he married her & he simply says “Mother of my kids” WOW so heartfelt, I know he has no empathy or compassion but really… I am so angry & drill him, which makes him turn the conversation to me fucking other men & my dating – because he thinks I’ve fucked everyone again. He tells me that he never wanted to fuck me the second time & I laugh & say “your face at Hungry Jacks told me a different story!” He asks if I want to chat him or not & my heart wrenches… I do. But then he says that he can’t be my best friend or my lover, which I know… Could I even see him again this time?!

I tell him I started a little hobby business, something I wanted to tell my best friend since the moment I started it & he says that he already knows… WHAT? How? He says his wife knows because someone on my street works with her… OH FUCK. Like Adelaide is ridiculous!

He asks me to promise that I won’t tell anyone that we’re talking… Believe me, if I told people, they would kill me… They saw how destroyed I was, both times. What could he do to me this time?!

He tells me he’s finally got a job, it took him a while & he’s gone back to retail, part time. I know this is a kick to his self esteem & another reason why he would think he’s not good enough for me. He bitches about he fact that I won’t tell him who told me that he’s back online, he says he doesn’t like people knowing his business – well do you think I like the fact that his wife is talking about me & telling people who live in my street about my little hobby business? So I know now that when I got all these weird messages, it was probably her playing with me. I hope not but now I know she knows about the business, I’m sure she would have. He tells me that someone told him that I fucked cowboy – someone he hates, he says when I question him “that it came up in conversation” but omg he is pissed that someone told me that he was back online. I mean someone is talking abut my sex life, all anyone has said to me is that he’s back online. How can he even be angry at me right now…

When he starts to really piss me off I simply say “does your wife know we fucked 10 days before your wedding on her couch?” & he tells me that he’ll be quiet about it. He doesn’t see the difference, someone is talking on the chat app about people I have had sex with. Everyone knows I used to fuck Noodle as he told everyone when he left the chat app the first time – he made it perfectly clear. It’s ridiculous… I can’t believe he’s angry at me about this! He says that he asked me specifically not to fuck one guy, “one single person on the chat app” I get why he’s hurt about that, I hated myself for it afterwards as you all know. However he can’t see that everything he’s done to me has been way worse… Fuck he’s so self-involved.  He says good bye saying he’ll chat soon & I agree that I want to chat with him… Do I want to chat with him again?! As it is, I finally got him to reply to me today & we’ve chatted all day, every second that we could… Mainly as a fight but we were chatting – so easily…

SIDE NOTE– So one of the reasons why I have been struggling to write, is that I knew this story was coming up & this story is very difficult to write… I really don’t want to go back through the messages (yes I’ve screenshotted every single chat with him) & have to relieve everything thing we ever said, remember this is all a year ago now & it’s very difficult for me to keep travelling back to this epic love story gone wrong. But I do want you to read it… But please bear with me if I can’t get a blog post done!

So I’ll ask you… -Do you want to hear what happens next with this story?

#IBD4U

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