Silverlining #29

So I forgot about my post on Friday, I’m so sorry for being tardy with my blog. I am thankful for those who noticed I didn’t post, it wasn’t intentional I had half written another story & never got to finish it. At the moment I am going through a lot personally – not dating related (Just so you’re not wondering! Hahaha), which is taking up too much space in my head. So I am going to cut out Sunday for a short time & only post on Tuesday & Fridays as of next week, while I get through this shit time. I have so much to say & so many stories to share, that I will reintroduce the Sunday moving forward when I am through this tough time… I hope you all understand! Thank you for sticking by me though!

So I’ve told Silverlining I’m not legitimately angry with him, & I guess I am not, despite what you all think but I have mixed feelings & have thoughts about what this means. I know he’s been online looking for chats from women for years, I know he didn’t mean to fall in love with me & I’m not sure how often that happens anyway, I’ve chatted to people for so long & not fallen in love so I think it’s not that common to truly fall for someone online. I guess the only reason this pisses me off, is because he has limited time online, limited time to chat to me, limited time to spend with me & he has been spending that time chatting to others too. Again I can’t really be upset about this, I chat online, hell I’ve even dated people while chatting to him but something niggles at me about this. But I try to move past it.

The people who think this is dumb of me or think Silverlining is a asshole (I don’t disagree with you, he is an asshole hahaha) but I want you to think about your partner, if you have one or a previous partner, are they or were they 100% perfect? No. I’m sure they aren’t. I definitely am not perfect nor do I make good decisions all the time, due to other factors, that is part of life. I cannot expect him to be perfect but I can accept the things he does & I believe that he is honest with me. I have to trust that this is real, or I am no better than his partner. I want to trust & love, I don’t want to be angry when I don’t know how much longer we’ll have together. We have to make choices in life & this is the one I am making, right or wrong, stupid or smart, I am willing to overlook things, just as I am sure you are overlooking things too.

He tells me that yesterday was the wettest he’s ever seen me & that it was so hot that I was struggling to not fuck him without a condom… Man oh man – I wanted to feel his skin on mine… I wanted that feeling, I know how it feels to fuck him without a condom & I want that feeling again… He says he’s a little fucked up that it was so hot watching how frustrated I was trying to stop myself from just fucking him without it. I would say it’s not fucked up, but pretty normal, I don’t know if there would be many guys that wouldn’t want the chick sitting on his lap in lingerie, to just fuck him without a condom while she’s struggling with the decision. He says that he’s pissed off he came in 30 seconds in my ass considering it was the second load of cum that day with me too… I say that it’s not unusual to cum in 30 seconds especially when fucking someone’s ass, but he reminds me of when he fucked my ass outside bent over my outdoor setting when he fucked my ass for ages… I did forget about that, but yes that happened & he did last a while even though he was outside & in my ass!  

Because it’s still niggling at me, & lets face it, this is me, this is the man I can be most honest with, that I need to know why he is on the anon app, is he or was he looking for another affair & just happened to get lucky & find me on the app, was he just looking for a root? “No I wasn’t looking for another affair. And no wasn’t planning on a root. I strictly joined the anon app for entertainment while I’m bored at work in my final months left. And joined the chat app the day I thought it was you , I had to find out … I wouldn’t of joined otherwise. I did not join looking for an affair or a root … I get enough sex as it is as my partner actually does make the effort to tell me how good I look and give me a lot of sex. I just have a fucking weakness for you. I literally wanted something to space time in work. And I thought what can I do to waste time at work and signed up for the anon app for chats. Thinking I couldn’t go back to the chat app. I was on the anon app for at least a month before talking to you and joining the chat app FYI.”  He also tells me that obviously he’s not gay so doesn’t chat to dudes – I mean I don’t chat to women either so I guess that’s fair. & that of course the common thing they talk about is sex – most guys talk about sex with me on the apps too. He also says that he wasn’t intending on fucking me again either. Yeah right! We both knew it would happen once we decided to meet again.

He admits he lied about joining the groups & says that we lied to each other for 3 weeks when we were pretending to be strangers (was only 2 weeks but I let that slide!) This is when he tells me about Cowboy’s mistress, lets call her Eggs & how she’s a dirty bitch, quite attractive & that she only sees Cowboy out of convenience. I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy, I know it’s ridiculous but I hate that I don’t have his whole attention. Ironically, I never did have all his attention, ever… The whole time we were together, he had a partner, a family & I know he chatted to other people back then too. Why do I care so much this time? He’s always going to want that validation from other women, he says his partner is better now but clearly it’s not enough for him or he wouldn’t be online for chats – even if it is to waste time while in his final months at work. I am not stupid enough to believe that we get everything from one person, I know that we don’t need others for whatever reason. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, which he say has nothing to do with his partner, but he is lazy & doesn’t make the effort, however he makes the effort with people online, he makes the effort because he doesn’t have to justify anything to his partner if he was to go out somewhere with a friend. This is why I believe that I will have some sort of open relationship when I do ever get a boyfriend.

SIlverlining offers up the chat app, allowing me to get notifications again, which I will be happy about because I am over checking this app 500 times a day for a message from him. I say goodbye for the evening as I am going to visit family in Brisbane when I get home he’s said good night & sent me a kiss. I realise that I never lied to him, so I message that to him, I was always myself when on the anon app, I just changed a few things like my job title so he didn’t identify it was me too easily. “I do love you but fuck, you make it hard to like you sometimes. We’re way too honest with each other & again, it hurts me”  I hate hearing about how much sex his partner gives him… She clearly thinks that the main reason why he cheated on her.

To my surprise Silverlining messages me later that night, he tells me that I didn’t lie to him but I wasn’t honest with him, he just says in a pleading way that it was bugging him who I was & so he signed up as he had to know. “It’s ok to hate me you know. I honestly don’t aim to be likeable. And don’t blame you for any harsh feelings you would have for me. I was 99%  myself the whole time btw” I get home late after getting lost in Brisbane, in a manual ute, so I am fired up & snap asking what I lied about & tell him that this type of message is exactly why I think I loved him more than he loves me!! I go to sleep with this horrible thought in my head…

I wake up later than usual to 10 messages “I didn’t say you lied. We both got caught up in something that was dishonest and yes I lied as part of that dishonesty because I just had to know it was you. I’m done defending myself, if you feel that  you loved me more , fuck it , keep thinking that , because no matter what I do you refuse to believe that I did , so what ever. I just want you to know one fucking thing. The chemistry we have doesn’t just happen because I wanted to fuck You. Or because I just wanted to Have some fucking affair with someone random women on the anon app and accidently bumped into you and fucked you. It happened because of our connection. It happens because I loved you more than anything, and it happens because I still fucking love you. You don’t look each other in the eyes the way we do based on the things like fucking lust. So I’m fucking done about it , because no matter what I say you don’t believe me , and you still question now.” I literally am smiling like a lunatic as his rant… Sleepily, I reply ”I wish I could cuddle you right now…”  He replies quickly as if he was waiting all morning since 6:30 am for me to wake up & reply, ready for a fight. “Pffft. Fuck you” I can’t believe his rant, it honestly tells me everything I needed to know, every doubt about his feelings for me are gone “You’re super cute when you’re trying to make a point… Like all sweary & I could just imagine your face you were pulling as you typed that out, how fast your fingers were working the keyboard…!” I just know that he was mega pissed off but his rant makes me realise how much he loves me still… “Pffft. You suck.” I know his so well, I hate how well I know him sometimes & I hate how much I doubted his feelings for me. “Thank you Silverlining. I do appreciate the rant… I never question our chemistry ever, I mean that shit is what got us in this mess in the first place. Now we’re in it again… It’s undeniable” I just want to hug him & have his strong arms around me. “I get all Angry and ranty and all you do is think it’s cute. FFS. And then thank me for it !”

You may not get it, but I know this man better than anyone else, I have never understood another human being the way I understand him (not all the time of course!) & I can read his messages & understand his tone & picture exactly what he is thinking. It wasn’t a test but I tell him that his response tells me more than he will ever know. “You’re fucking cute as fuck!” Fuck I love him & I am so glad that he loves me the same back, despite what will happen here, I know I am truly loved. I tell him that I am not normal – I know him well enough to know that this isn’t something I need to keep worrying about “Well one thing we can agree on , your not normal. It’s what makes you so fucking unique , interesting & sexy”  Fuck I want him… I am in QLD & all I want to do is hug this fucking man…

I ask why we fight so much & he seems to think that we don’t. I mean when we do it makes us horny & we just want to have sex. I don’t want to start another fight so I send pictures of the cute as fuck dress I just bought which I wore to Cocktails with #IBD4U (Story coming from that night soon!) he tells me I look sexy & we get onto the topic of sex again! Hahaha.

Later I ask if he is still chatting to the chick who he was friends with, I’m not sure I ever gave her a name, but she was the only one Silverlining ever talked too about me & she helped me a bit after he went offline too, I want him to have a friend to talk to about me, he say that he’s been chatting to her & that he told her he wasn’t going to fuck me & she laughed at him. He says he chatted to her on the second day he re-joined the chat app, I get a little annoyed & he senses it, telling me that he sees the chat app come up on my watch every time we’re together so I can’t be pissed, I get messages too. He tells me that he hasn’t sexted with anyone else but me. This makes me oddly happy… He asks if I am jealous & pissy about him chatting on the chat app & I tell him that it pisses me off hat he’s on there chatting to others when he only has limited time, that if he ever re-joined the app, he’s come find me because he wanted to speak to me… He tells me that he was staying away but he found me on the anon app…

He stops messaging me on the anon app & I get a message on the chat app from Marvel “Oi Bitch. I did come find you like a loser.”

#IBD4U